The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - Crickets - full transcript
After Carol has cooked some crickets into a disgusting stew Tandy discovers that Todd has a cache of bacon which he found in the solar-powered house next door and which he is keeping for himself. When Tandy tries to persuade Todd to share it Todd sends it to sea on a jet ski but it returns, causing trouble for Todd and for Tandy, who tries to defend him and leading to them both being put in the stocks. This shared punishment does however lead to a reconciliation between them. Phil meanwhile annoys the women with his flirtations.
Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...
PHIL 2:
Five weeks,
solitary confinement it is.
CAROL: Tandy saw the fire.
He got water from the pool
until the fire was out.
Tandy did his time.
How are things
with you and Todd?
MELISSA:
He's just been kind of weird.
Daddy's home.
TANDY:
What a beautiful night.
Hey, I want to take the floor
real quick.
Look, I know where
I stand here, you know?
You guys let me out of the shed
for good behavior,
but I know I still
have a ways to go
before I'm fully back
in this community, you know?
Yeah, I-I just hope
you guys give me a chance,
'cause I really care
about you.
And I look forward
to showing you that
without a gun
pointed in your face.
I know, I know.
Actions not words,
but the actions are coming.
I have an action for you.
Give me a little wine.
Gail, thank you.
And one wine coming up.
(whining):
Oh!
Why are we
sitting out here?
It's too cold!
I want to go back inside, Mommy!
Boom.
Still got it.
(crickets trilling)
Crickets!
Crickets are alive!
(excited, overlapping
chattering)
Oh! Oh, no way!
(chattering continues)
(chattering continues)
All right.
Presenting,
for the first time ever,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...
cricket casserole!
(laughs)
Is that what
you were working on
so long in the kitchen?
Yep.
It took longer than I thought,
because I didn't realize
how hard they are to kill.
I have to admit I felt
a little intimidated--
Gail being a trained chef
and all.
Did you ever make
anything like this, Gail?
I did not.
Look, it might seem
a little wonker-bonkers,
but I was reading
in Indian Vogue
that crickets were
all the rage over there.
Uh-huh, they're
full of protein and fiber.
They're also
full of bug guts.
We're all full of guts.
But we're running
out of options, aren't we?
All our canned goods
have already expired.
There are no fish
and no animals,
except for the cow and she's
not gonna live forever, so...
(chuckles)
like it or not,
you're looking at our future.
Anyway, to the future.
Mmm.
Hmm, mm-hmm.
Anybody else? No?
It's okay.
Just wanted to do something nice
for the group.
And I spent a lot of time on it.
(stammers)
No, Carol, we-we'll try it.
We'll try it, right?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead, it's good.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This is re... You certainly
have a way with crickets.
Oh, get a room.
Hey, Todd, you haven't
even touched yours.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just,
I'm not feeling very well.
Well, that's too bad.
It really dances
on your tongue.
Ooh! Oh.
This one's not dead.
(crunches)
Ah, now he is.
Here, cricket, cricket.
Don't you want to get turned
into a disgusting meal
by my wife?
Okay, let's see if this works.
Has anybody ever noticed
you can get salmonella
from chicken,
but you can't get
chicken-monella from salmon?
Boom.
Nothing?
Huh...
♪ ♪
(motor humming nearby)
(motor humming)
Oh... my...
God.
Good morning.
I'm about to fry up
some cricket poppers!
Who's in?
Uh, thank you
so much, Carol,
but we found a
couple of chowders
that are only two
years out of date,
so I think we're gonna
take our chances with that.
Yeah, Carol,
I'm gonna pass, too.
I'm not feeling very hungry.
I think I'm gonna pass
as well, Care Bear.
Uh, save me a
plate, though.
Well, what do you want--
breast, wing, thigh, face?
Chef's choice.
Count me in, Carol.
And I'm okay
with whatever you have.
God.
Erica, wait.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I cut my finger.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, geez, that's a gusher.
Carol, get some paper towels.
Sorry, I get nauseous
on the sight on blood.
(gags)
That's proof, oh!
Gail, you're our medical expert.
What do we do here?
Medical expert, hardly.
Well, you knew
all that CPR mumbo jumbo.
Well, that doesn't mean
I know anything about cuts.
(retches)
Don't say cuts.
Anything can set me off.
You guys, it's fine.
It's gonna be fine.
No.
No, you know what?
That looks really bad.
I-I'm gonna go get
that first aid book.
(gags)
(motor humming)
TANDY:
Pretty cool house, huh?
(gasping)
(gasps)
Huh?
How you doing, Todd?
Uh, good. How-how are you?
Light switch on...
off.
On, off.
It works!
Probably 'cause
the solar power, I guess.
Hmm.
Wonder what else
could be working in here?
What else
could be
working?
Yeah, you know,
I don't, I don't really know...
You hear that?
It's like a hum?
Where's that coming from?
I-I-I don't know, Tandy.
'Cause it sounds like
it's coming from right
over here.
What's in the freezer,
Todd?
Nothing, really.
It's just...
I already know, Todd.
It's the same thing
that's in your stomach
right now.
Bacon.
42 packages of bacon
to be exact.
I counted them all yesterday
when I caught you
sneaking out of here.
How many were in there
when you found it?
I'm guessing
you're gonna say 42,
but I'd be willing to bet
that the number
was just a little bit higher,
now, wasn't it, Todd?
Wasn't it?!
Yes, Tandy!
There were more.
Now, I wonder...
did you ask the group
if they wanted some bacon?
Huh?
'Cause they're
all eating bugs, man.
Bugs!
And you don't think
they'd want to hear about this?
'Cause I think they would.
Maybe somebody should
go tell them about it.
No!
Tandy, please God! No!
Anything you want to say to me
before I go down there
and tell them?
Yes, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Tandy.
I'm really, really sorry, man.
'Cause I have something
I want to say to you.
Start cooking.
(quiet laugh)
(chuckles)
(sizzling)
(choral music playing)
I don't need stitches.
I can see yellow
fatty tissue.
(gags)
Which means that
that cut will not
close on its own, which
means you do need stitches.
Okay, well, which of you bozos
is gonna do that?
I would like to take
a strike at it.
Gail, are you drunk?
I have been drinking,
but I am not drunk.
(moans)
Mmm.
So, how are things going
with you and Melissa?
Hey, don't, okay?
Don't bring her up.
Feeling kind of guilty?
No, Tandy,
I feel great about it.
You know, I love hiding
secrets from my lover.
I'm on top
of the frigging world about it.
You know, I've been
thinking a lot
about the, the stuff that
I did to you back in Tucson.
And I just want
to say I'm sorry...
Look, just shut up
and eat, okay?
The only reason you're here
is so you can't blackmail me.
Todd, I... I would
never blackmail you.
I mean, we're bros.
Tandy, we're not bros.
This is just about the bacon.
Just about the bacon.
Got it.
Hey, lady!
How's your hand?
(retches)
Never mind.
Okay, so I need some help
with my outfit.
Phil has been
extra flirty with me,
and I'm getting the sense
that it's upsetting Erica.
Oh, you think?
I mean, I've only
seen her give you
like a hundred eye rolls.
Thank you. I know.
It's like,
"Hi. Would you like
some butter
with your eye rolls?"
I know. It's like, "Don't
fill up on eye rolls, Erica.
Save room for dinner."
(laughing)
We have fun.
But seriously, I'm not even
trying to attract Phil.
I think I just need
to tamp down my essence,
find something a little more,
I don't know, boring.
Oh, like what you have on.
I juiced up some crickets
for you guys.
Mmm.
It tastes so good.
Just like chicken juice.
And there's one for everybody.
M'lady. My man.
Oh, thank you, Tandy.
Just pass 'em on down.
(deep voice):
And there's one for you, Phil.
You can just get it yourself.
Okay. Thank you.
(chuckles)
Wow, this is fantastic.
You're right-- it tastes
just like cold chicken broth.
So good. Mmm.
(sighs)
Thanks for the juice,
Carol, but I'm...
you know, I'm not...
not feeling super hungry today.
Are you okay? You
haven't eaten in days.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just think I'm maybe
coming down with something.
Oh, I can go to the
pharmacy and get you...
I'm-I'm fine!
(laughs) You know?
I just think I'm coming
down with something.
(clears throat)
I'm gonna go for a walk.
You know, truth be told,
I'm feeling the same way.
Think I might be coming
down with whatever he has.
Uh, we compared symptoms
earlier. It checks out.
Oh, Melissa,
look at your finger.
(gasps) Oh, God.
Girl, you're not
bleeding out on my watch.
You need stitches, and I will
not take no for an answer.
Okay, fine.
(squeals)
Okay.
I'm gonna go get my gear.
Erica.
(sighs)
We need to talk.
Do we, Carol?
You've been eye-rolling me
like a googly doll
since I got here.
You don't think I see
all the flirting
you've been doing with Phil?
If anything,
I'm doing the opposite.
I mean, for Pete Sampras,
look at this dumb outfit
I borrowed from Melissa.
I don't know,
you look fine to me.
This needs, like,
a pineapple on it or a giraffe
or children sliding
down a rainbow.
I mean, this is not me.
But I'm wearing it.
And you know why?
'Cause I care about you.
Spare me, Carol.
Erica, we have a chance
to do something different
in this new society.
Wouldn't it be nice
to not catfight anymore?
Every time a girl
gets broken up with,
she blames the other girl.
But why? It's the guy's fault.
I mean, think about it.
What did I do? Nothing.
So blame him.
(scoffs)
No, him.
♪ ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you more
than birds need the sky ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ It's true, little girl ♪
♪ That you can lift
the tears from my eyes ♪
♪ But if you ever
tell me good-bye ♪
♪ I'll break down
and you'll hear me cry ♪
♪ I need you. ♪
Let's do this thing.
Whoo!
Gail?
Come here.
Breathe on me.
Why?
Because I've never
heard a doctor
yell "whoo" before
a procedure.
Come here.
(exhales)
Gail.
Well... (sighs)
I had one scotch,
and it was like two hours ago,
and I've barely
been drinking since.
Say the alphabet backwards.
(sighs)
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T,
S, R, Q, P, O,
N, M, L, K, J, I, H,
G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
May I go now, Officer?
(sighs)
I'm gonna need
an anesthetic.
Got you covered.
Gail.
Have at it.
Whoo! Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
♪ ♪
Okay, this is crazy.
Look, I know it's
just about the bacon,
but I'm concerned
about you.
And I think I have a way
to make you feel better.
Look, we still have
three bacons left.
Why don't we bring it
down to the group
and share it with them?
What?
I know it's just three bacons,
but the others have no idea
how many packages there were
before we got into them.
So, to them, it'll feel
like a million bacons.
No, Tandy. No way.
We clean this place up,
we get rid of all the evidence,
you take all the credit.
You'll be a hero.
No, Tandy, I said no!
I'm in too deep, man.
So we just keep up this routine
till the bacon is gone,
and then we go
our separate ways,
and this never happened.
Fine, fine.
Just about the bacon.
Voilà.
MELISSA:
I'm so hammered,
I see two fingers,
but they're both
perfectly stitched.
You could give
our little seamstress Carol here
a run for her money.
ERICA:
Phil?
Hey.
Why don't you take that comment,
put it inside a bottle
and shove it up your butt.
What?
And then take that
bottle back out,
put it inside a bigger bottle,
and then shove that
up your butt, too.
What's gotten into you?
I'm sick and tired
of you hitting on Carol.
Can't you see it's making
us both uncomfortable?
Oh.
Ooh, you got served.
(singsongy):
You got served.
♪ Taking the bacon
and making it disappear... ♪
(humming, grunting)
(sighs)
How do I get rid of this?
No.
Fire pit? No.
Bingo.
(woman screaming)
What's going on?
Todd, you know
what's going on.
(laughter, squealing)
CAROL: Is that bacon?!
Where did you find this?
Well...
I'll tell you
where he found it.
He found it at a
house up the road.
It has solar panels, so the
freezer's still working.
He told me about it
yesterday, made me promise
not to say anything 'cause he
wanted to surprise you guys.
Hey, nice work, bud.
What a hero, huh?
Ah, thanks.
Todd!
ALL: Todd! Todd! Todd!
Oh... no.
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
(cheering)
Oh, you're the bacon man!
No, you're the bacon man.
(excited chatter, whooping)
You're welcome.
I told you not to do this.
Now they know about the bacon.
What if they find out
about the rest?
It's all taken care of.
All the evidence is gone.
If you've got a
bacon-sniffing dog out there,
it wouldn't even notice.
In fact, it'd
probably take a nap
'cause it was so bored.
What'd you do with the wrappers?
Relax.
They're someplace
nobody will ever find them.
Guys, come here.
Check this out.
CAROL: What is that?
PHIL 2: Quick.
Oh, my God.
What? What?
What is it?
Do you see that?
MELISSA:
Right there.
TANDY:
Apparently something to see
over here. Check it out.
May I? May I? May I?
Thank you.
You see it?
(excited chatter)
MELISSA:
Oh, my God.
PHIL 2:
It's coming so fast.
A Jet Ski!
Amazing.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
What is this?
What do we got here?
(Tandy laughs)
MELISSA: What is all this?
TANDY: Bacon.
Oh, my God. Must've...
must've come from Japan.
What a coincidence.
We were just talking about this.
Todd, anything you want
to tell us?
I'm so sorry, guys.
I found all this bacon,
and I ate it.
Oh, Todd.
How could you do this?
I mean, how dare you.
Yeah, how dare you
stand there...
and take all the
blame for what I did.
I found all this bacon,
and I kept it to myself,
and none of you would
have ever known a thing.
But then Todd came in.
Perfect Todd--
the nicest,
trustworthiest,
straight-shootinest,
selflessest son of a
gun I've ever known.
He immediately said,
"Hey, let's go share this
with the community."
"Screw the friggin' community!"
I said.
"Eat this with me,
and we'll go down together."
Then he said, "That's
wrong, sir. Never!"
So I pulled a gun on him--
you guys know
I do that from time to time.
Then he took the gun, and
he put it in his mouth
and said, "Pull the trigger,
'cause I would rather be dead
than not share this pork product
with the people I love."
And as I cocked my gun,
he calmly walked over, picked
up the three remaining bacons,
marched straight out the door
and delivered them to you guys,
tied up in a bow.
'Cause when Todd
gives you bacon,
he puts a bow on it.
But that's friggin' Todd.
(chanting softly):
Todd. Todd.
(growing louder):
Todd. Todd. Todd.
Todd. Todd. Join in.
Todd...
Okay, Todd,
what's the real story?
This was me.
I found the bacon.
Tandy caught
me eating it,
he had a little bit,
too, but...
this was all me.
(breaking down):
Surprise, surprise.
The fat guy ate the bacon.
(crying):
And I'm so sorry.
I'll never be able
to forgive myself
because I lied to all of you,
and I lied to the woman
that I love.
And I'll take
whatever punishment
you guys think is fair.
I will.
Because I've been bad.
(fake crying):
Nice try, Todd.
And it moves me that
you tried to stick up
for me like that,
but, guys, it was me!
Can it, Tandy.
Guys, who you
gonna believe?
Him or me?
Hey, Tandy.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
But look, I know it was
just about the bacon, so...
No.
No, it wasn't.
Thanks, bud.
Fist bump?
Bump. (chuckles)
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
The Last Man on Earth...
PHIL 2:
Five weeks,
solitary confinement it is.
CAROL: Tandy saw the fire.
He got water from the pool
until the fire was out.
Tandy did his time.
How are things
with you and Todd?
MELISSA:
He's just been kind of weird.
Daddy's home.
TANDY:
What a beautiful night.
Hey, I want to take the floor
real quick.
Look, I know where
I stand here, you know?
You guys let me out of the shed
for good behavior,
but I know I still
have a ways to go
before I'm fully back
in this community, you know?
Yeah, I-I just hope
you guys give me a chance,
'cause I really care
about you.
And I look forward
to showing you that
without a gun
pointed in your face.
I know, I know.
Actions not words,
but the actions are coming.
I have an action for you.
Give me a little wine.
Gail, thank you.
And one wine coming up.
(whining):
Oh!
Why are we
sitting out here?
It's too cold!
I want to go back inside, Mommy!
Boom.
Still got it.
(crickets trilling)
Crickets!
Crickets are alive!
(excited, overlapping
chattering)
Oh! Oh, no way!
(chattering continues)
(chattering continues)
All right.
Presenting,
for the first time ever,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...
cricket casserole!
(laughs)
Is that what
you were working on
so long in the kitchen?
Yep.
It took longer than I thought,
because I didn't realize
how hard they are to kill.
I have to admit I felt
a little intimidated--
Gail being a trained chef
and all.
Did you ever make
anything like this, Gail?
I did not.
Look, it might seem
a little wonker-bonkers,
but I was reading
in Indian Vogue
that crickets were
all the rage over there.
Uh-huh, they're
full of protein and fiber.
They're also
full of bug guts.
We're all full of guts.
But we're running
out of options, aren't we?
All our canned goods
have already expired.
There are no fish
and no animals,
except for the cow and she's
not gonna live forever, so...
(chuckles)
like it or not,
you're looking at our future.
Anyway, to the future.
Mmm.
Hmm, mm-hmm.
Anybody else? No?
It's okay.
Just wanted to do something nice
for the group.
And I spent a lot of time on it.
(stammers)
No, Carol, we-we'll try it.
We'll try it, right?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead, it's good.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This is re... You certainly
have a way with crickets.
Oh, get a room.
Hey, Todd, you haven't
even touched yours.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just,
I'm not feeling very well.
Well, that's too bad.
It really dances
on your tongue.
Ooh! Oh.
This one's not dead.
(crunches)
Ah, now he is.
Here, cricket, cricket.
Don't you want to get turned
into a disgusting meal
by my wife?
Okay, let's see if this works.
Has anybody ever noticed
you can get salmonella
from chicken,
but you can't get
chicken-monella from salmon?
Boom.
Nothing?
Huh...
♪ ♪
(motor humming nearby)
(motor humming)
Oh... my...
God.
Good morning.
I'm about to fry up
some cricket poppers!
Who's in?
Uh, thank you
so much, Carol,
but we found a
couple of chowders
that are only two
years out of date,
so I think we're gonna
take our chances with that.
Yeah, Carol,
I'm gonna pass, too.
I'm not feeling very hungry.
I think I'm gonna pass
as well, Care Bear.
Uh, save me a
plate, though.
Well, what do you want--
breast, wing, thigh, face?
Chef's choice.
Count me in, Carol.
And I'm okay
with whatever you have.
God.
Erica, wait.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I cut my finger.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, geez, that's a gusher.
Carol, get some paper towels.
Sorry, I get nauseous
on the sight on blood.
(gags)
That's proof, oh!
Gail, you're our medical expert.
What do we do here?
Medical expert, hardly.
Well, you knew
all that CPR mumbo jumbo.
Well, that doesn't mean
I know anything about cuts.
(retches)
Don't say cuts.
Anything can set me off.
You guys, it's fine.
It's gonna be fine.
No.
No, you know what?
That looks really bad.
I-I'm gonna go get
that first aid book.
(gags)
(motor humming)
TANDY:
Pretty cool house, huh?
(gasping)
(gasps)
Huh?
How you doing, Todd?
Uh, good. How-how are you?
Light switch on...
off.
On, off.
It works!
Probably 'cause
the solar power, I guess.
Hmm.
Wonder what else
could be working in here?
What else
could be
working?
Yeah, you know,
I don't, I don't really know...
You hear that?
It's like a hum?
Where's that coming from?
I-I-I don't know, Tandy.
'Cause it sounds like
it's coming from right
over here.
What's in the freezer,
Todd?
Nothing, really.
It's just...
I already know, Todd.
It's the same thing
that's in your stomach
right now.
Bacon.
42 packages of bacon
to be exact.
I counted them all yesterday
when I caught you
sneaking out of here.
How many were in there
when you found it?
I'm guessing
you're gonna say 42,
but I'd be willing to bet
that the number
was just a little bit higher,
now, wasn't it, Todd?
Wasn't it?!
Yes, Tandy!
There were more.
Now, I wonder...
did you ask the group
if they wanted some bacon?
Huh?
'Cause they're
all eating bugs, man.
Bugs!
And you don't think
they'd want to hear about this?
'Cause I think they would.
Maybe somebody should
go tell them about it.
No!
Tandy, please God! No!
Anything you want to say to me
before I go down there
and tell them?
Yes, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Tandy.
I'm really, really sorry, man.
'Cause I have something
I want to say to you.
Start cooking.
(quiet laugh)
(chuckles)
(sizzling)
(choral music playing)
I don't need stitches.
I can see yellow
fatty tissue.
(gags)
Which means that
that cut will not
close on its own, which
means you do need stitches.
Okay, well, which of you bozos
is gonna do that?
I would like to take
a strike at it.
Gail, are you drunk?
I have been drinking,
but I am not drunk.
(moans)
Mmm.
So, how are things going
with you and Melissa?
Hey, don't, okay?
Don't bring her up.
Feeling kind of guilty?
No, Tandy,
I feel great about it.
You know, I love hiding
secrets from my lover.
I'm on top
of the frigging world about it.
You know, I've been
thinking a lot
about the, the stuff that
I did to you back in Tucson.
And I just want
to say I'm sorry...
Look, just shut up
and eat, okay?
The only reason you're here
is so you can't blackmail me.
Todd, I... I would
never blackmail you.
I mean, we're bros.
Tandy, we're not bros.
This is just about the bacon.
Just about the bacon.
Got it.
Hey, lady!
How's your hand?
(retches)
Never mind.
Okay, so I need some help
with my outfit.
Phil has been
extra flirty with me,
and I'm getting the sense
that it's upsetting Erica.
Oh, you think?
I mean, I've only
seen her give you
like a hundred eye rolls.
Thank you. I know.
It's like,
"Hi. Would you like
some butter
with your eye rolls?"
I know. It's like, "Don't
fill up on eye rolls, Erica.
Save room for dinner."
(laughing)
We have fun.
But seriously, I'm not even
trying to attract Phil.
I think I just need
to tamp down my essence,
find something a little more,
I don't know, boring.
Oh, like what you have on.
I juiced up some crickets
for you guys.
Mmm.
It tastes so good.
Just like chicken juice.
And there's one for everybody.
M'lady. My man.
Oh, thank you, Tandy.
Just pass 'em on down.
(deep voice):
And there's one for you, Phil.
You can just get it yourself.
Okay. Thank you.
(chuckles)
Wow, this is fantastic.
You're right-- it tastes
just like cold chicken broth.
So good. Mmm.
(sighs)
Thanks for the juice,
Carol, but I'm...
you know, I'm not...
not feeling super hungry today.
Are you okay? You
haven't eaten in days.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just think I'm maybe
coming down with something.
Oh, I can go to the
pharmacy and get you...
I'm-I'm fine!
(laughs) You know?
I just think I'm coming
down with something.
(clears throat)
I'm gonna go for a walk.
You know, truth be told,
I'm feeling the same way.
Think I might be coming
down with whatever he has.
Uh, we compared symptoms
earlier. It checks out.
Oh, Melissa,
look at your finger.
(gasps) Oh, God.
Girl, you're not
bleeding out on my watch.
You need stitches, and I will
not take no for an answer.
Okay, fine.
(squeals)
Okay.
I'm gonna go get my gear.
Erica.
(sighs)
We need to talk.
Do we, Carol?
You've been eye-rolling me
like a googly doll
since I got here.
You don't think I see
all the flirting
you've been doing with Phil?
If anything,
I'm doing the opposite.
I mean, for Pete Sampras,
look at this dumb outfit
I borrowed from Melissa.
I don't know,
you look fine to me.
This needs, like,
a pineapple on it or a giraffe
or children sliding
down a rainbow.
I mean, this is not me.
But I'm wearing it.
And you know why?
'Cause I care about you.
Spare me, Carol.
Erica, we have a chance
to do something different
in this new society.
Wouldn't it be nice
to not catfight anymore?
Every time a girl
gets broken up with,
she blames the other girl.
But why? It's the guy's fault.
I mean, think about it.
What did I do? Nothing.
So blame him.
(scoffs)
No, him.
♪ ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you more
than birds need the sky ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ It's true, little girl ♪
♪ That you can lift
the tears from my eyes ♪
♪ But if you ever
tell me good-bye ♪
♪ I'll break down
and you'll hear me cry ♪
♪ I need you. ♪
Let's do this thing.
Whoo!
Gail?
Come here.
Breathe on me.
Why?
Because I've never
heard a doctor
yell "whoo" before
a procedure.
Come here.
(exhales)
Gail.
Well... (sighs)
I had one scotch,
and it was like two hours ago,
and I've barely
been drinking since.
Say the alphabet backwards.
(sighs)
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T,
S, R, Q, P, O,
N, M, L, K, J, I, H,
G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
May I go now, Officer?
(sighs)
I'm gonna need
an anesthetic.
Got you covered.
Gail.
Have at it.
Whoo! Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
♪ ♪
Okay, this is crazy.
Look, I know it's
just about the bacon,
but I'm concerned
about you.
And I think I have a way
to make you feel better.
Look, we still have
three bacons left.
Why don't we bring it
down to the group
and share it with them?
What?
I know it's just three bacons,
but the others have no idea
how many packages there were
before we got into them.
So, to them, it'll feel
like a million bacons.
No, Tandy. No way.
We clean this place up,
we get rid of all the evidence,
you take all the credit.
You'll be a hero.
No, Tandy, I said no!
I'm in too deep, man.
So we just keep up this routine
till the bacon is gone,
and then we go
our separate ways,
and this never happened.
Fine, fine.
Just about the bacon.
Voilà.
MELISSA:
I'm so hammered,
I see two fingers,
but they're both
perfectly stitched.
You could give
our little seamstress Carol here
a run for her money.
ERICA:
Phil?
Hey.
Why don't you take that comment,
put it inside a bottle
and shove it up your butt.
What?
And then take that
bottle back out,
put it inside a bigger bottle,
and then shove that
up your butt, too.
What's gotten into you?
I'm sick and tired
of you hitting on Carol.
Can't you see it's making
us both uncomfortable?
Oh.
Ooh, you got served.
(singsongy):
You got served.
♪ Taking the bacon
and making it disappear... ♪
(humming, grunting)
(sighs)
How do I get rid of this?
No.
Fire pit? No.
Bingo.
(woman screaming)
What's going on?
Todd, you know
what's going on.
(laughter, squealing)
CAROL: Is that bacon?!
Where did you find this?
Well...
I'll tell you
where he found it.
He found it at a
house up the road.
It has solar panels, so the
freezer's still working.
He told me about it
yesterday, made me promise
not to say anything 'cause he
wanted to surprise you guys.
Hey, nice work, bud.
What a hero, huh?
Ah, thanks.
Todd!
ALL: Todd! Todd! Todd!
Oh... no.
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
(cheering)
Oh, you're the bacon man!
No, you're the bacon man.
(excited chatter, whooping)
You're welcome.
I told you not to do this.
Now they know about the bacon.
What if they find out
about the rest?
It's all taken care of.
All the evidence is gone.
If you've got a
bacon-sniffing dog out there,
it wouldn't even notice.
In fact, it'd
probably take a nap
'cause it was so bored.
What'd you do with the wrappers?
Relax.
They're someplace
nobody will ever find them.
Guys, come here.
Check this out.
CAROL: What is that?
PHIL 2: Quick.
Oh, my God.
What? What?
What is it?
Do you see that?
MELISSA:
Right there.
TANDY:
Apparently something to see
over here. Check it out.
May I? May I? May I?
Thank you.
You see it?
(excited chatter)
MELISSA:
Oh, my God.
PHIL 2:
It's coming so fast.
A Jet Ski!
Amazing.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
What is this?
What do we got here?
(Tandy laughs)
MELISSA: What is all this?
TANDY: Bacon.
Oh, my God. Must've...
must've come from Japan.
What a coincidence.
We were just talking about this.
Todd, anything you want
to tell us?
I'm so sorry, guys.
I found all this bacon,
and I ate it.
Oh, Todd.
How could you do this?
I mean, how dare you.
Yeah, how dare you
stand there...
and take all the
blame for what I did.
I found all this bacon,
and I kept it to myself,
and none of you would
have ever known a thing.
But then Todd came in.
Perfect Todd--
the nicest,
trustworthiest,
straight-shootinest,
selflessest son of a
gun I've ever known.
He immediately said,
"Hey, let's go share this
with the community."
"Screw the friggin' community!"
I said.
"Eat this with me,
and we'll go down together."
Then he said, "That's
wrong, sir. Never!"
So I pulled a gun on him--
you guys know
I do that from time to time.
Then he took the gun, and
he put it in his mouth
and said, "Pull the trigger,
'cause I would rather be dead
than not share this pork product
with the people I love."
And as I cocked my gun,
he calmly walked over, picked
up the three remaining bacons,
marched straight out the door
and delivered them to you guys,
tied up in a bow.
'Cause when Todd
gives you bacon,
he puts a bow on it.
But that's friggin' Todd.
(chanting softly):
Todd. Todd.
(growing louder):
Todd. Todd. Todd.
Todd. Todd. Join in.
Todd...
Okay, Todd,
what's the real story?
This was me.
I found the bacon.
Tandy caught
me eating it,
he had a little bit,
too, but...
this was all me.
(breaking down):
Surprise, surprise.
The fat guy ate the bacon.
(crying):
And I'm so sorry.
I'll never be able
to forgive myself
because I lied to all of you,
and I lied to the woman
that I love.
And I'll take
whatever punishment
you guys think is fair.
I will.
Because I've been bad.
(fake crying):
Nice try, Todd.
And it moves me that
you tried to stick up
for me like that,
but, guys, it was me!
Can it, Tandy.
Guys, who you
gonna believe?
Him or me?
Hey, Tandy.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
But look, I know it was
just about the bacon, so...
No.
No, it wasn't.
Thanks, bud.
Fist bump?
Bump. (chuckles)
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH