The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - C to the T - full transcript

After Carol has complained that Tandy's punishment is barbaric he is put into solitary confinement in the mansion's exercise room but is forced to wear a collar administering shocks after he is caught stealing cheese. When a fire breaks out he extinguishes it even though in doing so he receives several shocks but the rest of the group are not unstinting in their gratitude.

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The Last Man On Earth.

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(crying):
To Gordon. Easy come, easy go.

You told them I was dead?

CAROL: People always remember
the dead fondly.

What a godforsaken tool.

CAROL: Phil broke up with Erica
and kissed me on the beach.



Someone's coming back
to life today.

So he really has changed?

Freeze! I just came here
to say I'm sorry.

This is gonna blow over.

Can somebody please
bring me some water?

Please?

I'm so thirsty.

Come on, please?

It's like a friggin' desert
in my mouth.

Oh, my God.
Oh, Melissa.

Oh, my God,
thank you so much.

Oh, you're an angel.

(chuckles):
You're an angel.

Thank you so much.



Oh, my God.

Oh, God, uh, uh, Melissa,

no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

No, Melissa, Melissa, I...

God!

Oh, hey, Phil.

Top o' the morning.

(stammering):
Uh, uh, wh...

(coughs)

So you like playing
with guns, huh?

No, no, no...

(sobbing)

No! My gun was unloaded.

I would've never hurt you guys.

CAROL:
Phil!

What are you doing?!

Hey, Carol.

Relax. Blanks.

(Phil 2 chuckles)

Boys.

You scared me, man.
God, look,
Hmm.

I'm a different person, okay?

I've changed. I really have.

Well, I hope so...
for your sake.

Gonna need a change of pants.

Maybe some underwear, too.

And some shoes...

for sure.

CAROL: Okay... he's been
in here long enough.

Can we let him out now?

PHIL 2:
No.

He needs to be punished.

But this is medieval, okay?
It's cruel.

Carol, he held us
up at gunpoint.

With an unloaded gun

to deliver heartfelt apologies.

PHIL: Look, I meant
everything I said.

I care about you guys.

You had a gun,
in our face!

Tandy, I swear to God,
man, if I...

Todd, calm down.
Take it easy.

CAROL: So we're
really doing this?

Is this who we are now?

Carol, he did the crime,
now he's got to do the time.

Okay, look, I
propose one week

of solitary confinement
in the workout room.

Got to say, I disagree
with that wholeheartedly.

Agreed. Don't you think that's
going a little overboard, huh?

You think

it's going overboard?
Yeah.

'Cause I think
it's staying on the ship.

One week of
solitary confinement?!

For what I did?!
Yeah.

Well, I say
how about two?

Or three? Or four?

Do I hear five?
Yeah, you do,

from the man
in the stockade! Sold!

Five it is!

What are you doing?

Like Phil said, I did the crime,
I got to do the time.

Okay, look,
I really have changed,

and I'm excited to prove it.

CAROL:
Phil?

Don't you mean Tandy?

Guys, over the last
six months,

Carol's gone back
to calling me Phil again,

and I have absolutely
loved it.

Okay? After all,
it is my given name.

But I'd like to request
that I go back to Tandy.

It seemed helpful for you guys,
and that's important to me.

Okay, don't worry, we were
never gonna call you Phil.

Yeah, you are such a Tandy.

Okay. Five weeks solitary
confinement it is.

Now we're talking.

Okay? Like Phil said, I did
the crime, got to do that time,

and that is nonnegotiable.

Hey, Phil!

Don't you mean Tandy?

Fine. Tandy.

Why's the door locked?

Carol, this is my jail--
I'm being punished.

And it wouldn't be
much of a punishment

if I was able to fraternize
with the general pop.

But they were gonna
let you out in one week.

Why are you making it
harder on yourself?

I've always taken
the easy way out,

and I don't want
to do that anymore.

I did the crime,
got to do that time.

You know, C to the T.

You sure about this?

Look, go have fun
and don't worry about me.

For the next five weeks,
I got a new wife,

and her name is Lady Justice.

CAROL:
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

This cheese is

for which to die, Todd.

I am in hog heaven.

Well, I'm glad
you're enjoying it, Carol.

I am so sick of eating
canned foods, you guys.

MELISSA:
Ugh, I know. I ate a can

of tomato paste yesterday
that expired in July.

That's nothing.

I ate a whole jar of rancid
olives that expired in 2014.

Ew!
Yeah.

They were actually pretty good.

MELISSA:
Well, with everything expiring,

that cow's gonna be our main
food source soon, so...

we got to keep her happy.

Treat her like a queen.

Where is she, by the way?

We put a shock
collar on her.
Oh.

Yeah, we set up
a little perimeter,

so if she wanders too far,
she gets a little zap.

Little zap.

That's nice.

Anybody want
some more wine?

Let me think.

Uh, yeah.
(laughing)

All right,
I'm on it, I'm on it.

Melissa, can you cut me off
a slice of that cheese?

This one?
That one, yeah.

Thank you!

(moans)

So...
(exhales)

how are things
with you and Todd?

Uh...

he's just been kind of weird.

Sexually?

In every way.

Uh, cold, kind of distant.

Uh-oh.

Cheese'll make
you feel better.

Mmm.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(panting)

(whispering):
What are you doing, Tandy?

You care about these people.

And you're gonna risk
your relationship with them

over some
insanely delicious cheese?

I'm not strong enough.

No. You're better than this.

Huh? Their friendship is worth
way more than this cheese.

Get back in your hole.

(wind chimes tinkling)

Tandy's out.

CAROL: You guys,
it was a tiny slipup.

Tandy is a human being;
he's not chattel.

Carol, agree to disagree.

This shock collar
is exactly what I deserve.

I did the crime--
you fill in the rest.

But in case you can't, blah blah
blah blah blah... time.

And besides, I'm not
even gonna come close
to these perimeters,

so it's not even gonna be
a factor...
(electrical zapping)

(Phil chuckles)

Yeah, yeah,
thought I had

a little more room there,
but no, got to learn

these friggin' perimeters.
And then...

(zapping)
(Phil grunts)

(laughing)

So it looks like we got another
border right about there.

Thought I had to the concrete;
I was wrong about that.

Look, just gonna...
demarcate these

with my shoesies.

And one over here, like so.

You guys,

this is top-notch punishment.

Did the crime, doing the time.

DTC, DTT.

Hey, you guys, you don't
have to take off right now.

Well, you know where
I am. (chuckles)

Shocking that
you would leave me.

(chuckles)
Pun intended.

Can I get you something
to make you more comfortable,

like a pillow...

Carol, if you
got me a pillow,

it wouldn't really
be a punishment, would it?

Dirt's gonna be
my pillow tonight.

You're so strong.

Mmm...

(zapping)

Oh!
(chuckles)

Worth the attempt.

Mm.

♪ ♪

(Australian accent):
Top o' the morning, Erica.

Looking stunning today.

Platonically speaking,
of course.

Good on ya.

Just gonna put your...
your feet in the pool

for a second, huh?
(chuckles)

"Pool."
Australian for "pool," too.

Ha.

Gail Klosterman!

Have you come down
with Benjamin Button's disease?

'Cause you look
ten years younger.

And you looked 18 before.

Hey, little girl,

you want some candy?
(chuckles)

PHIL: My legs are gonna live
vicariously through yours.

Oh, to be
that pool water right now.
Tandy,

shut your friggin' trap!

One friggin' trap-shutting
coming up.

I'm gonna be
real quiet for you

so you guys can enjoy
your conversation.

(to "Miss America"):
♪ There she is ♪

♪ Miss Melissa Chartres. ♪

Hi!
Okay, Tandy, we're
gonna have to add

"no talking-slash-total silence"
to your punishment.

I'm just trying
to spread good cheer.

You know, show everybody
how much I care about them.

I'm not bothering
you guys, am I?

It has come to my attention

that there has been
some unhappiness

with the volume and frequency
of my heartfelt compliments.

Carol?

I had Carol
go out to the pet store

and get this new collar for me.

It is voice activated,

so whenever I speak,

a burst of citronella
will be shot out into my face,

thus assaulting my senses

and delivering the silence
you requested

and that I deserve.
Yeah.

Crime, time, C to the T.

Glove fits,
and it fits like a glove.

There will be no Bronco chase.

The juice is opposite of loose.

Phil, will you do the honors,
my main man?

Gonna move this over
to give it room.

Gonna get this right
on the voice box.

Okay, testing... Oh. Ah.
(spray hissing)

It works!
(spray hissing)

Really gets... in there.

It works.

CAROL:
Hey.

Happy five-day
punishment anniversary.

How you holding up?

(whispering):
This is the worst.

This... this sucks.

Is anybody even
talking about me?

(whispering):
No.

No one's really
talking about you.

Yeah, Carol, you can
talk at normal volume.

(normal voice):
Oh, that's a relief.

I couldn't even
hear myself.

No, no one's really
talking about you.

(whispering):
What?

Don't they know
how hard this is for me?

I don't know.

I keep talking
about your sacrifice.

No one's
really engaging.

I'm gonna keep trying.

I'm never
gonna give up.

Look, I know this is punishment,
but it'd be nice

to get at least
a little acknowledgment.

Do you know what I'm saying?
A little acknowledgement.

Sorry.
(sighs)

Hey, maybe you need
a little walk.

Want to walk me
to the perimeter?

Yeah.
Okay.

(sighs)

Well, this is me.

Yeah.
Hang in there.

Well, hey, Melissa.
What are you up to?

Just bringing Tandy some beers.

Oh, how nice!
PHIL (whispering):
You're kidding me.

Oh, my God,
thank you so much.

That's so nice of you.

Is this the edge
of your little perimeter?

Yeah, it's right here.
It's right-right back there.

(sighs):
Ah!

Enjoy.

Ha!

Melissa?

So funny. So funny.

So funny, Melissa.

God!

(zapping, Phil coughs)

♪ ♪

TODD: You're a real
piece of work, Tandy.

Just when I thought you
couldn't get any worse,

you go, and
you just...

Man! Man!
Hey.

Todd, breathe.
Okay.

Sorry.
MELISSA: In and out.

PHIL 2:
You're good.
You're good.

Okay. Tandy just wanted to say

that he's so sorry
he threw those potted plants.

He just wanted
to get your attention

'cause he has something
he wants to say.

GAIL:
Carol, I can't

hear him.

Yeah, Tandy, we
can't hear you.

Oh, charades?
Oh, that's so fun!

Star Wars!
Mission Impossible!

MELISSA:
Ugly Betty!

Uh, something with ugly!

X Factor?
X Factor.

Total Recall.

BOTH:
X Factor!

Uh, uh, uh, Goonies.

Annie!
The black remake of Annie!

X Factor!

The X Factor?

MELISSA:
Coyote Ugly!

Elephant Man! Mask!

MELISSA: X Factor?
GAIL: No, it's not...

CAROL:
Think. Think.

I.
Yeah.
Okay.

Love. No.
TODD:
That's right.

WOMEN:
X Factor.

GAIL:
No.

Hate?
ERICA:
No.

Oh. Oh.

PHIL 2:
Hate.
GAIL:
Hate. Hate.

You hate the collar.

CAROL:
Yes.
Well, too bad,
Tandyman.

MELISSA:
Butt!

Oh, you could have pointed
at your face.

(laughs):
Yeah.

GAIL:
A collar.

MELISSA:
Butt.

Buttface? Ugly?

WOMEN:
X Factor!
X Factor!

MELISSA:
No, no, no, no. Butt...

GAIL (mumbling):
Collar.

Butt.

Oh, he's saying that because
the collar was his idea,

that he should be able
to take it off when he wants.

GAIL: No. No, no, no,
it doesn't work that way.

TODD: No, you can't. No,
because it's about trust, Tandy!

Trust is the most
important thing!

Trust is the
only thing!

And you lost ours!

I'm talking about... trust, man!

ERICA:
Yeah.

If you're gonna
act like an animal,

we're gonna treat you
like an animal.

Oh, yeah, this dog
is gonna go in a doghouse.

Come on.
That's a good doggie.

There, yeah.

(snores)

(spray hisses)

(coughing)

(sniffles)

(loud knocking)

(knocking continues)

(yelling, spray hissing)

Guys!

(zapping, screaming)

(whimpering, buzzing)

Okay!

(zapping, screaming continue)

(zapping, screaming continue)

(zapping, screaming continue)

(grunting)

(zapping, screaming stop)

(panting)

Oh. (muttering)

Oh, my gosh.

Looks like
a fire broke out!

Gail, you weren't smoking,
were you?

God, no.

Not out here anyway.

No, it was clearly
the tiki torch.

All right,
somebody put it out.

Todd?
Oh, I must have slept
right through it.

Hmm.

Well, if it wasn't
one of us,

who was it?

I think I know.

Do you know anything
about this fire?

Well, do you know
who put it out?

Tandy saw the fire.

Oh, and he called out.

Oh, but everyone
was asleep.

What's he gonna do?
What's he gonna do? Oh.

He's gonna break
out of the shed!

He broke out
of the shed.

And he ran through
the shock zone! Ow!

And then he got
water from the pool.

And he went back and
forth and back and forth,

and he got shocked again and
again and again and again

until the fire was out.

And then,

he was left on the
hillside, depleted.

And then, after saving
all of our lives...

...he got back
in his shed,

like the good
prisoner that he is.

And I think
I'm right in saying

Tandy did his time.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God, you guys,
thank you so much.

And I know
this doesn't mean that...

that, like, I'm back
in your good graces,

but this is
a good first step.

And I look forward
to proving myself to you guys

and regaining your trust,
because I have changed.

And you guys are
really important to me!

And I'm so excited
about the future,

and I hope you are, too!

(laughing):
God!

Aah!

I hope you are, too.

(laughs)

Daddy's home.

CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH