The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - C to the T - full transcript

After Carol has complained that Tandy's punishment is barbaric he is put into solitary confinement in the mansion's exercise room but is forced to wear a collar administering shocks after he is caught stealing cheese. When a fire breaks out he extinguishes it even though in doing so he receives several shocks but the rest of the group are not unstinting in their gratitude.

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(crying): To Gordon. Easy come, easy go.
You told them I was dead?
CAROL: People always remember the dead fondly.
What a godforsaken tool.
CAROL: Phil broke up with Erica and kissed me on the beach.
Someone's coming back to life today.
So he really has changed?
Freeze! I just came here to say I'm sorry.
This is gonna blow over.
Can somebody please bring me some water?
I'm so thirsty.
Come on, please?
It's like a friggin' desert in my mouth.
Oh, my God. Oh, Melissa.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Oh, you're an angel.
(chuckles): You're an angel.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, uh, uh, Melissa,
no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
No, Melissa, Melissa, I...
Oh, hey, Phil.
Top o' the morning.
(stammering): Uh, uh, wh...
So you like playing with guns, huh?
No, no, no...
No! My gun was unloaded.
I would've never hurt you guys.
CAROL: Phil!
What are you doing?!
Hey, Carol.
Relax. Blanks.
(Phil 2 chuckles)
You scared me, man. God, look, Hmm.
I'm a different person, okay?
I've changed. I really have.
Well, I hope so... for your sake.
Gonna need a change of pants.
Maybe some underwear, too.
And some shoes...
for sure.
CAROL: Okay... he's been in here long enough.
Can we let him out now?
PHIL 2: No.
He needs to be punished.
But this is medieval, okay? It's cruel.
Carol, he held us up at gunpoint.
With an unloaded gun
to deliver heartfelt apologies.
PHIL: Look, I meant everything I said.
I care about you guys.
You had a gun, in our face!
Tandy, I swear to God, man, if I...
Todd, calm down. Take it easy.
CAROL: So we're really doing this?
Is this who we are now?
Carol, he did the crime, now he's got to do the time.
Okay, look, I propose one week
of solitary confinement in the workout room.
Got to say, I disagree with that wholeheartedly.
Agreed. Don't you think that's going a little overboard, huh?
You think
it's going overboard? Yeah.
'Cause I think it's staying on the ship.
One week of solitary confinement?!
For what I did?! Yeah.
Well, I say how about two?
Or three? Or four?
Do I hear five? Yeah, you do,
from the man in the stockade! Sold!
Five it is!
What are you doing?
Like Phil said, I did the crime, I got to do the time.
Okay, look, I really have changed,
and I'm excited to prove it.
CAROL: Phil?
Don't you mean Tandy?
Guys, over the last six months,
Carol's gone back to calling me Phil again,
and I have absolutely loved it.
Okay? After all, it is my given name.
But I'd like to request that I go back to Tandy.
It seemed helpful for you guys, and that's important to me.
Okay, don't worry, we were never gonna call you Phil.
Yeah, you are such a Tandy.
Okay. Five weeks solitary confinement it is.
Now we're talking.
Okay? Like Phil said, I did the crime, got to do that time,
and that is nonnegotiable.
Hey, Phil!
Don't you mean Tandy?
Fine. Tandy.
Why's the door locked?
Carol, this is my jail-- I'm being punished.
And it wouldn't be much of a punishment
if I was able to fraternize with the general pop.
But they were gonna let you out in one week.
Why are you making it harder on yourself?
I've always taken the easy way out,
and I don't want to do that anymore.
I did the crime, got to do that time.
You know, C to the T.
You sure about this?
Look, go have fun and don't worry about me.
For the next five weeks, I got a new wife,
and her name is Lady Justice.
CAROL: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!
This cheese is
for which to die, Todd.
I am in hog heaven.
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Carol.
I am so sick of eating canned foods, you guys.
MELISSA: Ugh, I know. I ate a can
of tomato paste yesterday that expired in July.
That's nothing.
I ate a whole jar of rancid olives that expired in 2014.
Ew! Yeah.
They were actually pretty good.
MELISSA: Well, with everything expiring,
that cow's gonna be our main food source soon, so...
we got to keep her happy.
Treat her like a queen.
Where is she, by the way?
We put a shock collar on her. Oh.
Yeah, we set up a little perimeter,
so if she wanders too far, she gets a little zap.
Little zap.
That's nice.
Anybody want some more wine?
Let me think.
Uh, yeah. (laughing)
All right, I'm on it, I'm on it.
Melissa, can you cut me off a slice of that cheese?
This one? That one, yeah.
Thank you!
So... (exhales)
how are things with you and Todd?
he's just been kind of weird.
In every way.
Uh, cold, kind of distant.
Cheese'll make you feel better.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(whispering): What are you doing, Tandy?
You care about these people.
And you're gonna risk your relationship with them
over some insanely delicious cheese?
I'm not strong enough.
No. You're better than this.
Huh? Their friendship is worth way more than this cheese.
Get back in your hole.
(wind chimes tinkling)
Tandy's out.
CAROL: You guys, it was a tiny slipup.
Tandy is a human being; he's not chattel.
Carol, agree to disagree.
This shock collar is exactly what I deserve.
I did the crime-- you fill in the rest.
But in case you can't, blah blah blah blah blah... time.
And besides, I'm not even gonna come close to these perimeters,
so it's not even gonna be a factor... (electrical zapping)
(Phil chuckles)
Yeah, yeah, thought I had
a little more room there, but no, got to learn
these friggin' perimeters. And then...
(zapping) (Phil grunts)
So it looks like we got another border right about there.
Thought I had to the concrete; I was wrong about that.
Look, just gonna... demarcate these
with my shoesies.
And one over here, like so.
You guys,
this is top-notch punishment.
Did the crime, doing the time.
Hey, you guys, you don't have to take off right now.
Well, you know where I am. (chuckles)
Shocking that you would leave me.
(chuckles) Pun intended.
Can I get you something to make you more comfortable,
like a pillow...
Carol, if you got me a pillow,
it wouldn't really be a punishment, would it?
Dirt's gonna be my pillow tonight.
You're so strong.
Oh! (chuckles)
Worth the attempt.
♪ ♪
(Australian accent): Top o' the morning, Erica.
Looking stunning today.
Platonically speaking, of course.
Good on ya.
Just gonna put your... your feet in the pool
for a second, huh? (chuckles)
"Pool." Australian for "pool," too.
Gail Klosterman!
Have you come down with Benjamin Button's disease?
'Cause you look ten years younger.
And you looked 18 before.
Hey, little girl,
you want some candy? (chuckles)
PHIL: My legs are gonna live vicariously through yours.
Oh, to be that pool water right now. Tandy,
shut your friggin' trap!
One friggin' trap-shutting coming up.
I'm gonna be real quiet for you
so you guys can enjoy your conversation.
(to "Miss America"): ♪ There she is ♪
♪ Miss Melissa Chartres. ♪
Hi! Okay, Tandy, we're gonna have to add
"no talking-slash-total silence" to your punishment.
I'm just trying to spread good cheer.
You know, show everybody how much I care about them.
I'm not bothering you guys, am I?
It has come to my attention
that there has been some unhappiness
with the volume and frequency of my heartfelt compliments.
I had Carol go out to the pet store
and get this new collar for me.
It is voice activated,
so whenever I speak,
a burst of citronella will be shot out into my face,
thus assaulting my senses
and delivering the silence you requested
and that I deserve. Yeah.
Crime, time, C to the T.
Glove fits, and it fits like a glove.
There will be no Bronco chase.
The juice is opposite of loose.
Phil, will you do the honors, my main man?
Gonna move this over to give it room.
Gonna get this right on the voice box.
Okay, testing... Oh. Ah. (spray hissing)
It works! (spray hissing)
Really gets... in there.
It works.
Happy five-day punishment anniversary.
How you holding up?
(whispering): This is the worst.
This... this sucks.
Is anybody even talking about me?
(whispering): No.
No one's really talking about you.
Yeah, Carol, you can talk at normal volume.
(normal voice): Oh, that's a relief.
I couldn't even hear myself.
No, no one's really talking about you.
(whispering): What?
Don't they know how hard this is for me?
I don't know.
I keep talking about your sacrifice.
No one's really engaging.
I'm gonna keep trying.
I'm never gonna give up.
Look, I know this is punishment, but it'd be nice
to get at least a little acknowledgment.
Do you know what I'm saying? A little acknowledgement.
Sorry. (sighs)
Hey, maybe you need a little walk.
Want to walk me to the perimeter?
Yeah. Okay.
Well, this is me.
Yeah. Hang in there.
Well, hey, Melissa. What are you up to?
Just bringing Tandy some beers.
Oh, how nice! PHIL (whispering): You're kidding me.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
That's so nice of you.
Is this the edge of your little perimeter?
Yeah, it's right here. It's right-right back there.
(sighs): Ah!
So funny. So funny.
So funny, Melissa.
(zapping, Phil coughs)
♪ ♪
TODD: You're a real piece of work, Tandy.
Just when I thought you couldn't get any worse,
you go, and you just...
Man! Man! Hey.
Todd, breathe. Okay.
Sorry. MELISSA: In and out.
PHIL 2: You're good. You're good.
Okay. Tandy just wanted to say
that he's so sorry he threw those potted plants.
He just wanted to get your attention
'cause he has something he wants to say.
GAIL: Carol, I can't
hear him.
Yeah, Tandy, we can't hear you.
Oh, charades? Oh, that's so fun!
Star Wars! Mission Impossible!
MELISSA: Ugly Betty!
Uh, something with ugly!
X Factor? X Factor.
Total Recall.
BOTH: X Factor!
Uh, uh, uh, Goonies.
Annie! The black remake of Annie!
X Factor!
The X Factor?
MELISSA: Coyote Ugly!
Elephant Man! Mask!
MELISSA: X Factor? GAIL: No, it's not...
CAROL: Think. Think.
I. Yeah. Okay.
Love. No. TODD: That's right.
WOMEN: X Factor.
Hate? ERICA: No.
Oh. Oh.
PHIL 2: Hate. GAIL: Hate. Hate.
You hate the collar.
CAROL: Yes. Well, too bad, Tandyman.
Oh, you could have pointed at your face.
(laughs): Yeah.
GAIL: A collar.
Buttface? Ugly?
WOMEN: X Factor! X Factor!
MELISSA: No, no, no, no. Butt...
GAIL (mumbling): Collar.
Oh, he's saying that because the collar was his idea,
that he should be able to take it off when he wants.
GAIL: No. No, no, no, it doesn't work that way.
TODD: No, you can't. No, because it's about trust, Tandy!
Trust is the most important thing!
Trust is the only thing!
And you lost ours!
I'm talking about... trust, man!
ERICA: Yeah.
If you're gonna act like an animal,
we're gonna treat you like an animal.
Oh, yeah, this dog is gonna go in a doghouse.
Come on. That's a good doggie.
There, yeah.
(spray hisses)
(loud knocking)
(knocking continues)
(yelling, spray hissing)
(zapping, screaming)
(whimpering, buzzing)
(zapping, screaming continue)
(zapping, screaming continue)
(zapping, screaming continue)
(zapping, screaming stop)
Oh. (muttering)
Oh, my gosh.
Looks like a fire broke out!
Gail, you weren't smoking, were you?
God, no.
Not out here anyway.
No, it was clearly the tiki torch.
All right, somebody put it out.
Todd? Oh, I must have slept right through it.
Well, if it wasn't one of us,
who was it?
I think I know.
Do you know anything about this fire?
Well, do you know who put it out?
Tandy saw the fire.
Oh, and he called out.
Oh, but everyone was asleep.
What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? Oh.
He's gonna break out of the shed!
He broke out of the shed.
And he ran through the shock zone! Ow!
And then he got water from the pool.
And he went back and forth and back and forth,
and he got shocked again and again and again and again
until the fire was out.
And then,
he was left on the hillside, depleted.
And then, after saving all of our lives...
...he got back in his shed,
like the good prisoner that he is.
And I think I'm right in saying
Tandy did his time.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, you guys, thank you so much.
And I know this doesn't mean that...
that, like, I'm back in your good graces,
but this is a good first step.
And I look forward to proving myself to you guys
and regaining your trust, because I have changed.
And you guys are really important to me!
And I'm so excited about the future,
and I hope you are, too!
(laughing): God!
I hope you are, too.
Daddy's home.
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH