The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - Dead Man Walking - full transcript

Having killed Gordon by shouting Boo at him Carol joins the others at his funeral whilst Phil hides at some distance away. They are all in mourning for Gordon so, in order to gain sympathy for Phil, Carol tells them that he died saving her from falling off the Grand Canyon - not that they are impressed. Eventually she admits the truth but explains that he is a changed man and they should give him another chance - which they agree to do. Unfortunately Phil, unaware of their change of heart, rushes in with a gun to demand forgiveness, with the result that they put him in the stocks.

They burned down my house
and skipped town.

What are you doing?

Like, they'd leave
a note or something.

"we've gone to malibu"?

We found 'em.



And he was brave
to the end.

And he fell with his
face to his foes.

Age shall not
weary him.

And at the going down
of the sun,

And in the morning,

We will remember him.

Uh, todd, you have
something prep...

Carol: Oh, uh, can I just
say something real quick?

I'll be done in a jiffy.

Phil 2:
I guess. Okay, sure.

Um, well, you know,
I didn't know, uh...

Gordon? Was it gordon?

Gordon. Gordon.
Carol: Gordon.

Is it gordon with a "g"?



I grew up across the street
from a dordon.

With a "d," like dracula.

I did not know
gordon well.

May he have a smooth
journey to heaven.

Or hell.

Again, I did not know him.

By now, we are all
so used to death,

As we have seen everyone
in the world around us die.

Every single person-- dead.

Just oodles and caboodles
of death.

Just heaps and piles.

But gordon will be missed.

Uh, okay, uh, todd?

You had something
you were gonna do?

♪ if I could save time
in a bottle ♪

♪ the first thing
that I'd like to do ♪


(crying): ♪ I'd save
every day like a treasure ♪

♪ and then... ♪

♪ again I would
spend it with you ♪

♪ but there's never
enough time ♪

♪ to do the things
we want to do ♪

♪ once you find them ♪

♪ I've looked around
enough to know ♪

♪ that you're the one I want
to go through time with. ♪


Whoa, uh, carol, watch out.

Watch out, watch out!
(carol shouts)

Phil. Aah!

I just came in
to check on you.

You cool?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, great.
Wait. W-w-wait.

What's happening down there?
Well, I don't have time

To talk right now, they're
having a wake for gordon.

Wait, who was gordon?
Gail's lover.

He was gail's lover.
(stammering): Okay...

So have they said
anything about me?

I mean, did you smooth
things over?

You haven't really come up yet.


Phil, a man died.

I killed him.

So there's been a few other
things to talk about.

So they didn't say
anything about me?

Not one word.

What does it matter
to you anyway?

You don't care
about them, right?

No, you're right, I don't.

You know, don't care about them,
don't miss them.

Okay, I got to go.

Okay, w-w-wait.

Just out of curiosity's sake,

Like, what are you
gonna tell them?

I'm sure in the moment,

I'll think of a perfect thing.

Well, hey, look, take your time.

Again, could not care less

About the whole situation
and the people involved, okay?

I mean, uh, tell them I'm sorry
for their loss, obviously.

I'm not an animal.

Except for in the sack.

Okay, got to go.

Not a single word.


Now, I'm assuming
this was gordon's house.

Yeah. Yeah, we met up
with him on the beach,

And he invited us all
to live here with him.

It's been really nice.

There are 13 bathrooms.

Ooh la la.

And none of them
work, but still.


Where is everybody?

Oh, they're in the solarium
sharing stories about gordon.

I just got to say I'm so
happy you got my note.

I missed you so much.

Oh, girl, I missed you, too.

Get in here.


You look the same.

So do you, you look
just the same.

So we all assumed, when
you didn't come back,

You went with tandy--
what happened there?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, that's
the thing is, um...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no.

Ugh, my favorite
red and white horse shirt.

I got to go get cleaned up.

To be continued.

Can't wait to tell you

Phil 2:
Hey, carol.

You look nice.

The last time I saw you,

We were making love.

Is that right?

You know, phil,
I owe you an apology.

It really wasn't fair

For me to leave tucson
without saying good-bye to you,

And I'm-I'm sorry.

Well, I guess you had to do
what you had to do, right?


Oh, hey, erica.

look who's here.

Hey, you two.

What's going
on in here?

Absolutely... Well,
I was just welcoming her

Back to the group.

Welcome, carol.

Well, I'm just gonna
be in the next room.

Oh, yeah.

So I'll just
say... Bye.

(erica moans)


I'd better go.


Nobody knew gordon
the way I knew him.

He was a friend, a companion,

Trusted advisor
and a valued lover.

Sure, he could be
a real son of a bitch.

He was so cranky
in the mornings,

And he cussed
like a sailor.

And he was a bad drunk,
he was a-a mean drunk.

Racially insensitive,
male chauvinist pig.

Um, and there was...
There was the body odor,

Which was challenging for me,
but now I look back,

And, um, you know,
when somebody dies,

All that stuff just melts away,

And you're just left
with the good memories,

So to gordon.
Phil 2: Gordon.

All: To gordon.
Easy come, easy go.

Phil 2: Yeah,
son of a bitch.

Hey, I know gordon's death has
been hard on all of us,

But I'd just like to take
a sec to welcome carol back.


To carol.

Todd: Carol,
welcome back.

Oh, you guys, stop.

So what happened to you?
I mean, last we knew,

You were headed
out to the desert

To get tandy some
supplies, and then...

You... Stayed with him?

I did.

Well, thank god he
didn't come with you.

Yeah, what an absolute turd.

Human garbage.

Hey, settle
a bet for us.

Did tandy kidnap you?

No, I chose
to go with him.

Where is he now?

Did you scare him to death, too?



I had nothing to do
with tandy's death.



Tandy's dead.

You told 'em I was dead?
Well, as I recall,

You told gail and erica
I was dead, so now we're even.

Carol, this isn't a "saying
people are dead" competition.


So how did I die?

I don't know yet.

I told 'em I had diarrhea

So I could come back here
and work out the details.

And I have diarrhea.

Look, it's gonna be fine.

You should have heard
all the nice things

They were saying
about this jerk gordon.

People always remember
the dead fondly.

I think

With a little bit of time
and the right pr,

You're gonna be
the next michael jackson.

Phil, what's the first thing
you think

When I say "michael jackson"?

The molestation charge.


Well, you're in
the minority on that.

Most people think
"beat it" or "p.Y.T."

Yeah, trust me.

This is gonna work out great.

"beat it" was involved in what
I was talking about, yeah.

Well, hardy har har, phil.

You're a regular
brad garrett today.

So, uh, what's up
with friggin' phil?

You know, now that
he thinks I'm dead,

He's probably
all over you, right?

Oh, no, he and erica
are an item now.

He's totally moved on.

How about, uh, todd and melissa?

They still together?

Todd's gay.

I knew it. I knew it.

Just kidding. Boy,
for someone who claims

He doesn't care
about the group,

You have an awful lot
of questions about them.

Come on, I could not give less
of a crap about them, okay?

And I could not be more happy
than being up here alone.

Well, don't get used to it.

'cause I'm about to think
of the perfect death for you,

And it's gonna be
noble and heroic

And mind-changing.

The grand canyon.

And that's where, uh...

Where tandy died.

You don't have to show us this.

Oh, no, I-I want to.

It's part of the
grieving process for me.



This is us approaching
the observation deck.

As you can see, tandy's
still alive in this one.

Not for long.

It had always been on my
bucket list to do a handstand

On the rim of a large canyon.

I was 15 seconds into
my one-minute goal

When things went awry.

I slipped.

And just as I was
about to become

Yet another canyon
handstand statistic,

Fate intervened...

In the name
of philip tandy miller.

Tandy sprung
into action.

"grab my hand,"
he said.

"you have nothing to
fear," he assured me

With a callous disregard
for his own life.

And then tandy slipped.

He rocketed out
into the abyss.

This is where the death
stuff really kicks in.

So viewer discretion is advised.


This is him in midair.

In a bloodcurdling
scream, he yelled,

"no regre..."

(slowly fades)


And then-- impact.

This is him dead.

And this is him dead closer.

This is tandy dead as close
as I could bear to draw.

Oh, todd.

Are you sad about tandy?

No, sorry, I'm just

Thinking about gordon.

Well, I'm sure one day
you'll cry about tandy, too.

Probably not.


Oh, what's gail
up to out there?

Melissa: She's been writing
gordon's name in the sand

And watching
the tide wash it away.

She says it's a form
of spiritual healing.

"spiritual healing."


That's nice.


Poor carol.

Yeah, poor carol.

Yeah, oh, poor carol!

Poor carol
made her choice.

And now she's back and what?

We're supposed to welcome her
with open arms?


Have a little sympathy.

I mean, I think
we can all agree

That tandy was
a freaking crankshaft.

But that's not
carol's fault.

Look how broken
up she is.

I'm still gonna pass.


It's "pass."

This is working, yes...

Care package.


Oh, I hate seeing you
unhappy like that, girl.

I just got to be strong,

'cause I know that

Tandy would want that.

Well, you're not alone, girl.

I know. I can

Feel him with me right now.

I'm here, too, carol.

Phil, you should do
everything you can

To make sure erica's happy.

Because life is so short.

That's exactly why I broke up
with her today.

Why would you do that?

'cause of what you said--
life is short.

And I want to spend mine
with you.

Phil, I...
No, no, no.


Oh, oh... Okay.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.


I'm not wearing any sunscreen.


Hey, phil!

Before you ask,

Everything's fine.
Don't worry.

Going great.
Bee's knees.

Got in a little
over my head.

Nothing major.

Just a minor tailspin.


What's going on?

Phil broke up with erica

And kissed me on the beach.


And that is why
I've decided to skip

To the final phase of my plan.

Someone's coming
back to life today.


Here, take this

This is your cue.

Here's... Tandy!

Carol, are you sure you're
not jumping the gun with this?

Even if I was jumping the gun,
why would you care?

You don't want to be
with them anyway, right?

No, yeah, you're right.

Mm-hmm, they all suck.

And if this doesn't work,

You and I will
just go back to tucson,

And I will never
bring them up again, I promise.

Okay, good.

Freaking turds.

Now, go get spruced up.

And don't forget your cue.

What's your cue?

Here's tandy.

Were you not listening?

It's "here's... Tandy!"

Okay, yeah, got it, got it.

We don't know anything

About anything out here.

And so, I boned up on cpr.

I did this so that we are never,

(over walkie-talkie):
Ever in a position

Where we have to mourn
a loved one ever again.

So, say this is gordon.

And he's just been
fatally startled.

And he's now experiencing

cardiac distress.



Why did I have to dress
the dummy in gordon's clothes?


He even smells
like gordon!

Hi, I just want to step in here

With another
heartfelt apology to gail.

In hindsight, "boo" was not
a great icebreaker.

Maybe "hello" would have been

A little less...


And it's just too bad

That tandy
couldn't have been here,

Because he was an expert at cpr.

Oh, come on.

Easy, carol.
Coming in a little hot.

He learned it because
he wanted to give me

The gift of always knowing
I'd be safe.

So thoughtful.

You know what?

Why don't we go around the horn

And just say one thing

That we'll always
remember about tandy?

All right, I-I've got a memory

I'd like to share.

Oh, good.

I'll never forget the time

Tandy tried to kill me.

Yeah, and I'll never
forget the time

Tandy threatened
to kill me, too.

Never forget all the times

Tandy tried to trick me
into having sex with him.

I'll never forget about how he
lied about you guys existing,

So he could have sex
with gail and me.

What a godforsaken tool.

(all talking over each other)


Okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's clear he will be missed.

And that is why it gives me

Great pleasure to say to you...

Abort! Abort!


Oh, god, he's alive.



Let's get out of here.

Tandy? Tandy?
Come on.

Good-bye and good riddance,

Yeah, smell you later.

We're out of here.

Bunch of turds.

Oh, they don't need me?

Well, I don't need them!

I never have and I never will.


Just came by to say
we're going back to tucson.

So good-bye.

Take care of each other.

And then, after you
burned down his house

And left that letter
implying bodily harm

If he showed up here,

He still insisted we come.

Because he knew
how much I needed it.

He did it for me.

I tell you the tandy you knew
truly is dead.

I just thought maybe you could
see it in your hearts

To forgive him.

I did.

I don't regret it.

So, he really has changed?

Oh, my gosh!
Yes, melissa!

He's a totally different person!

They're good people.

And I don't deserve them.

I just wish they knew
how sorry I was.

Not that an apology
would fix anything.

Hell, they probably
wouldn't even listen anyway.

Which is too bad,
because if they did,

They'd know how sorry I am.

But how do I get them to listen?

So, you'll give him
another chance?

Freeze! Freeze!

In the air!

Hands where I
can see them!

Now! Now! Now!

(others clamoring)
calm down.

Just sit still, okay,
and do not move

And you will not get hurt, okay?

Tandy, come on...

What did I just say, todd?!

I said sit still!

I said do not move!


You do not need that gun.

I'm doing the talking now, okay?

I'm doing
the talking now, okay?

Look, I just came here

To say I'm sorry.

And the only reason
I have this thing

Is so you guys'll stick around

To listen to me, okay?

So, uh...

Do I have
your undivided attention?

(all saying yes)
do I have it?

Do I have
your undivided attention?!


Okay, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Look, gail...

Aah, hands where I can see them!
Hands! Hands!

You are the best, okay?

such a wonderful spirit

And a beautiful soul.

And it breaks my heart
that you lost gordon.

And this must be
a very difficult day for you.

Okay, phil?

Huge apology
coming at you right now.


This is gonna freak your bean,

But I do not blame you one bit
for leaving me

In the desert--
it was a wakeup call.

And it made me the man
that I am today.

Okay, erica!

Hands out of
your pockets!

I-I don't have any pockets.
Okay, okay.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I thought they were pockets.

But, phil?

I've totally changed.

And I have you
to thank for it.

Thanks, dawg.
You're welcome.

Aah, todd!
Do not be a hero!

Sit back down!

I love you, man.

True friendship

Is so hard to find
in this world.

And I found it with you.

And I threw it away.

I just threw it
in the old garbagio, okay?

And I hope one day
you will forgive me, bud.

Phil, do not move a muscle or
I will shoot you full of holes!

I won't, I won't, but I will.


Melissa, look at
me, look at me.

Melissa, I want to talk to you.

Uh, I will shoot you!

Okay, thank you,
thank you.

Melissa, you had to put up with
my crap longer than anyone else,

Other than carol, okay?

I just wish you had a chance
to see what carol's seen.

I'm different, I swear.

Todd, hands!

Sorry, bro!

I just said
some nice things about you!

Listen to me!

And finally, erica,

Hey, phil's a freaking idiot
for breaking up with you.

You're fun.

You're gorgeous.

And that accent
is just out of this world.

Erica, when I remember you,

I don't remember you like this.

(australian accent):
I remember you like this.


(normal voice):
Now, if anyone has anything
they want to say,

You know, raise your
hands if you do.

uh, very, uh, slowly.

Yeah, carol?

They were about to give you a
second chance, you dumb donkey.


Shut up!

You guys, oh,
you're not gonna regret this,

I promise,
and look, like I said,

I would never hurt you guys.

I mean, this thing's
not even loaded.

How long do I have
to be in here?

Until we say you can come out.

Okay, okay.

So, the beard's back, huh?


You likey?


It'll grow on you.
Grew on me.

About six months.
Good night.

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

Uncle stinky.

(horn honking)