The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 18 - 30 Years of Science Down the Tubes - full transcript

After Mike sneaks away, Phil goes out alone to find Mike.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

You're not gonna believe

the crazy thing
I just saw out there.

Maybe you're just a little
confused about what you saw.

How much have you
had to drink today?


He has to go now.

Well, maybe I should
just go away for a while.

All right?
It's a cold, Mike.

"So long, Phil.

Didn't want you to have
to say good-bye again."

You sure about this, Tandy?

Carol, I'm his brother.

Fine, just please be safe.

I want you to come home
so that Yorbalinda or Bezequiel

can meet their daddy.

Hey, hey, don't worry.

I'll be back before you know it.

Nothing in this world
is more important to me

than our baby, okay?

Hey there, little guy or gal.


Your daddy's going
on a little trip

to see your Uncle Mike.

Heck, I just realized

he probably doesn't even know
what an uncle is.

That means he's my brother.

We had the same
mother and father.

Mothers and fathers
are the people

who make little babies like you.

Now, how do they do that?

Simple-- when a man and a woman

share a special connection,

the man takes his penis and...

Baby's asleep.

It's go time.

How do you know where he is?

He didn't say
where he was going.


there's only one place
he could have gone.

(Back to the Future theme

♪ ♪




Oh, God, no.


Oh, no...

oh, no.



Ooh, I got you.

Okay, yeah, you kind of got me.

Kind of?

that was a full-on gotcha.

That was a good dead.

What are you doing here?

I specifically
asked you not to come.

That's why I came.

High five.

The last of the cheese.

Really sucks that we have
to go without dairy again.

Well, just until me and Erica
start breastfeeding.

Oh, no, Carol...

we're not making cheese
from your boob juice.

More for me.

(calf moos)

Poor guy,
sounds like he's upset.

What are we gonna do with him?

Any veal fans in the hizzy?

No, Gail!

Fine, he's only gonna get

less tender and less delicious.

I wonder how Mike's doing.

Yeah, maybe we overreacted.

Hell no, we didn't,

and if any one of you
start coughing up blood,

I'd kick your asses out of here
so fast, your head would spin.

Well, I'm glad we mean
so much to you, Melissa.

(calf moos)

What on earth is wrong with him?

Hey, little calf,
what's got your goat?

Come on, little guy,
moo it out to us.

Maybe we'll understand.

(mechanical whirring)

I'm almost afraid to ask this,

but everybody saw that, right?

(calf moos)

Oh, my God, strawberry
head with frog eyes.


Aw, our hands were turkeys.

(both chuckling)
Oh, my...

Oh, what is this?

Oh, no, no, no,
don't open that!

Don't touch that.

Be very careful
with that.
What is it?

There is something
very special in there.

It's empty.

I can understand why

you would think that,

but, no, you're wrong.
You're wrong.

'Cause this, my friend,

is full of active fart.

So, you farted into a jar
and you saved it?

Eh, this is not some
whimsical pursuit, Mike.

This is a valid
scientific experiment

and an important one
at that.

How long can a fart retain

its unique smell composition

in a sealed jar?
Yeah, well,

I hate to burst your bubble,

but if that thing's been
in there for 30 years,

it's long gone.

Y-You're simply wrong here,


sweetie, I'm a scientist.

Wh-What, were you
a friggin' analyst

in NASA's fartology
and toots division?

No, but I can

assure you that

that fart has since dissipated.

Well, guess what, Einstein,

you're wrong as a dong
all day long,

and I'm about to
prove that to you.


Okay, let's see
what we got in here, huh?

Take a sniff of clean air to,
you know, rinse the palate.

(breathes deeply)


Capone's vault.

(breathes deeply)

Oh, my God, that is so

friggin' rank.

Check that out.

Oh, my God.


I knew it!

Suck on that.

Well, congratulations, bud.

Cap even smells.

Historical finding.

I know.
Well, how...

how do you know that
the fart you're smelling

came from that jar

and not, say,
an alternate source?

What kind of frigging
alternate source would be...?

Oh, you didn't.

Mike, you didn't.

I pooted.

I pooted a little bit.

You son of a bitch!
You knew I wanted...

Well, you should have told me
you were gonna open it up, I...

I was very clear
about opening it, Mike!

I made a big spectacle of it!

Would you say you made, like,
a big stink about it?


so rude.


you don't get it.

That's 30 years of science

down the tubes.

Whoa, whoa...

Oh, my God, Mike.

Just take the bottle, huh?

Come on,
it's really good.

Look, look.

Mmm... mmm.

Who do you think's
flying that thing?

I'm just putting
it out there,

I hope it's an ob-gyn.

I'm just happy that it's real

and there's nothing wrong
with my brain chemistry,

and I can, you know,
glug, glug, glug again.

Come on...

please, just take the bottle.

I don't-- oh... okay.


(mechanical whirring)

Guys, it's back.
Grab your signs.




(all shouting)


(all gasp)

What the hell?

Why would you do that?

Because whoever sent
this thing is trouble.

You don't know that.

They could have been nice.

No, a nice person says,
"Hey, guys, I'm alive,

here's a pound cake."

They don't plant a freakin'
camera at our front door,

doing recon on us.

I just can't
believe you, Melissa.

That was another
survivor out there.

You just shot them
in the face.

No, Todd, we're the survivors,

and I'm trying
to keep it that way.

There she is.

How long have I been out?


you've been asleep
for four years.

JK, about three hours.



You okay?

I'm fine.



seriously, are you okay?


Oh, God.

Oh, no, Phil.

Phil, it's okay.

It burns.
What do you--

It's burning.
I don't know.

I don't know where.

It's just burning everywhere.
It burns.

You're gonna
be okay.
Did yours burn, too?

No, no, no, it should--
it's all right.

It burns like Sriracha.



I infected you!

Oh, God.

Oh, dear God!

The Srirachening!



Okay, can we just stop
with the pranks, please?

Nice try, Mike.

No, I'm being serious, okay?

I just don't feel like
joking around right now, okay.


We do a rain check on the joking

to commence upon
your full recovery.
See, this is

exactly why I didn't
want you to come,

'cause you can't handle.

There's nothing to handle, Mike.

Can you please just be honest?

Honest about what?

About everything!

About anything.


I'm not doing good here, man.


a frigging joke to you.


You want honesty?

Yeah, I do.

I don't like what
you did to my hair.


I fr-- I friggin' hate it.

I was not

gonna give myself this haircut.

I-I didn't want you
to get the victory, though,

so I just said

that I loved it, but...

it was all an act, man.

A freakin' act.

You're real good at acting.

I know.

Well, if you don't like it,

why don't we do
something about it?

("Falling Slowly" by Glen
Hansard & Marketa Irglova plays)

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ But I want you ♪

♪ All the more for that ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Take this ♪

♪ Sinking boat ♪

♪ And point it home ♪

♪ We've still got ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ Raise your hopeful voice ♪

♪ You have a choice ♪

♪ You've made it ♪

♪ Now... ♪

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now I got to be honest with you.

That's the best policy.


I want you to leave.

No, I'm staying.

I want to be here for you.

I just-- Phil, I just wish
you would go home.


...sorry, but reverse genie.

Wish denied.

What is your problem?!


You are the most childish,
selfish person I have ever met!

You made a mess

of your whole life, and now
you're messing with my death!

What do you mean,
I messed up my life?

Sorry, that was wrong of me.

You never had a life.

You're just a loser temp.

Never had a girlfriend.

Lived in a crappy
studio apartment

that Mom and Dad paid for.

The only time you even came
close to actually being special

was when everyone died but you.

Well, looks like you
really have me pegged there.

(door slams)

(Mike coughing)

I'm sorry.

I only said that stuff

'cause I was trying
to push you away.

Come on, i-it's all true.

I'm a freaking loser.

No, you're not.

Look at what you did.


you brought all
those people together, you...

with the signs, you know.

Like, you restarted society.

That's amazing.

Maybe you should
have led with that.

I went... I went too far, yeah.
Very rough, man.

Let's go inside.


What is that?


You had to bury them.

I'm so sorry.


Wait, is that...?

I thought you were gone.

I didn't know what to do.


You know what...

you already had to do this once,

you shouldn't have
to do it again.

I think you got
to go back to Malibu.
No, I'm...

I'm not going back.

Okay, you're going back.
No, we've already

gone through
this before.
I'm telling you.

I'm not going back, okay?

It's my dying wish.


My dying wish.

(footfalls approaching)


(calf mooing)

Oh, my God, Carol?

(calf mooing)

What the hell is going on?!

I thought it was an intruder.

Oh, my gosh, my water broke.

Way too soon for that, hon.

Oh, yeah, it's pee.

Look, I'm sorry, but there's
a crazy person out there.

I think there might be
a crazy person

in here.

I am not crazy, okay?!

This world is not safe!

Phil is dead.

The cow is dead.

Mike is dying,
and now there's this thing

flying around, spying on us.

It's just a little much.


Even the calf wants out
of this stupid world.


give me your hand.

Ugh, Carol, you're
five weeks pregnant.

I'm not gonna
feel anything.


'Cause I think you are.

There's a life in there.

It's a life that's
never gonna know

the pre-virus world
we lived in--

only this world--

and this world...

can't suck.

I won't stand for it.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

(Mike coughing)





I, uh, got something for you.


You didn't.

Figure you could crack
that open in 30 years.

Take a whiff, see what's what.

We'll open it together.






Got something for you, too.

These are my buddies.

They got me through
some hard times.

Thanks, Phil.

All right.

(car door closes)

(engine starts)



I like the new
hairdo and face-do.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(calf moos)

(Carol gasps)

Will you look at that?

I have been trying
to get him to eat

for the past three days.

He's suckled on everything
but this bottle.

I mean, Melissa's shotgun,
spatulas, doorknobs.

Gail had some sort of
vibrating massage finger.

He was a big

fan of that,
but I could never

get him to
suckle on this,

and then you
waltz in here like

the second coming
of Old MacDonald

and make it happen.

(calf suckling)

You're gonna be
a great father.

That was really sweet, Carol.

Oh, hey, thanks, Melissa.

She tried to shoot me.



Full disclosure, I have had
a baker's dozen wines,

but I think I'm seeing
something kind of

on the spectacular
side out here.

Could I get a little
confirm-a-doodle-doo on this?

Carol, Tandy,
come look at this.

What the hell?

Hey, what's going on out there?

There's a boat!


Is anybody on it?

Yeah, some hairy guy.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

He's got company.

Oh, dear God.

dear God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, farts.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Cars and girls are easy
to come by in this day and age ♪

♪ Laughing, joking,
drinking, smoking ♪

♪ Till I've spent my wage ♪

♪ When I was young,
people spoke of immorality ♪

♪ Hey... hey ♪

♪ Hey. ♪

Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH