The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 17 - Smart and Stupid - full transcript

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

Let's have Todd put
my baby in you.

No friggin' way.

Mike Shelby Miller,
will you be our sperm?

I-I'd be honored.

Friggin' ridiculous.

(laughs) I'm pregnant!

(squeals, laughs)

Oh!

(buzzing quietly)

I still can't believe
I'm not sterile.



(both chuckle)

You didn't masturbate
too much, after all.

Yeah, it was just
the right amount.

Thank you.

I am so proud
of your sperm.

I am, too.

Guys, guys.

Gail, Carol is pregnant.

Yeah? Okay, good.
Whatever. Good for you.

You're not gonna
believe the crazy thing

I just saw out there.

It was a flying record player!

It just came out of the sky,
came right at me!

It was like... (yells)



Like when you go to, um,

you know, Waffle House.
It was like...

it was flying skillets.

It was, uh, no.
It was like...

two hovering griddles.

Gail, honey, how much have
you had to drink today?

A lady never tells.

Gail, I think
everybody's just saying

that sometimes
you drink a little bit.

A lot a bit.

Well, maybe you're just a little
confused about what you saw.

I know exactly
what I saw out there!

It was a whole mess
of-of floating hair dryers,

and they were
staring right at me!

(slurring): Do y'all really
think I "mrink" too much?

Well, I think
you might have answered

your own question there.

Oh, farts.

TANDY:
Mmm.

(laughs)

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

TODD: What the hell's
going on in here?

Nothing.

Really?

'Cause it doesn't
smell like nothing.

Mike farted.

Yeah.

Yeah, I-I farted.

(laughs) Oh.

That's funny.

'Cause your farts smell like
freshly cooked bacon.

Thank you.

TANDY:
Todd, we're adults here,

and I'm gonna be
honest with you about this.

Mike and I just
finished off the bacon.

Uh, but I-I did fart.

You guys finished the bacon.

MIKE:
Mm-hmm.

That's cool.

Thank you, Todd.

You want, uh,
any cracklins, braheem?

(shouting): No, I don't want
any friggin' cracklins, braheem!

You know, I was wondering
if it ever crossed your mind

to consult with me first.

You know, I'm guessing
it didn't, Tandy.

Did it? (chuckles softly)

Did it?!

I found this bacon.

We ran this
by the group...
Yeah.

...and everyone agreed

that Mike should get
to finish off the bacon,

'cause he hasn't
had any yet.

Everyone?

That's funny,
'cause last time I checked,

I was part and parcel
of "everyone."

We looked for
you everywhere,

and we couldn't
find you, bud.

Well, you didn't
look hard enough, bud.

So where are you from
in Australia?

All over. Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?

I've actually, um,
I've been to Adelaide. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I actually spent
a bit of time in Adelaide.

Oh, well, then, yeah, you know.
Wh-What were you doing there?

Okay, um...

(chuckles)

I should say that I did
a bit of time in Adelaide.

I was in jail.

Wow.

I somehow got arrested,
uh, for leaving a bank

with some money
that wasn't mine.

Uh-huh.
And then a man

in a uniform
found a gun on me

that turned out
to be mine.

So you're talking about
armed robbery.

Oh, more like an armed
misunderstanding.

And how did that
go over in court?

Well, as I said, I did a bit
of time in Adelaide. (laughs)

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
(laughs)

Yeah.
So, well,

then how'd you end up,
you know, here in the States?

Oh, I got a job at
the State Department.

They hired you
with a criminal record?

They didn't hire me.

(American accent):
They hired Amanda Williams

from Cleveland, Ohio.

Majored in
political science

at the Ohio State University.

Go Pi Phi!

Go! Whoo!

That's amaz... you know,

you're like the most
interesting person alive.
Nah.

Yeah, does everybody
else know about this?
Hell no.

What are you talk...
Why not?

They've never asked me.

It's like they just latched
onto the Australia thing

and stopped right there.

(Australian accent): Cheers,
Erica! Dingoes ate my baby!

Didgeridoo!

(normal voice):
What's up, Mike?

Hey, Phil. G'day.

Yep.

Hey, bud.

Thinking about
going out

and burning down
the Santa Monica Pier.

You want to come with?

Yeah, what,
was your bacon brother busy?

(sighs)

Come on, T.

You're my original
bacon brother.

I'm talking OBB.

And you want to hazard a guess
as to who's down with OBB?

Huh?

Every last Tandy.

Oh, come on.

Tandy, ever since
Mike showed up,

you don't have time
for me anymore.

Oh, don't you dare.

Uh, every time I try
to hang out with you,

you're always either
with Gail or Melissa.

That is not true!
Oh, yes, it is.

You're just like
one of those guys who as soon

as they get two girlfriends,
they just disappear.

No, you know what?

I'm your backup plan.

Your number two.

And it's totally
appropriate, Tandy,

because that's exactly
how you make me feel.

Like a big old number two.

And you know where
you dropped that stinky?

Right here.

On my heart.

Yes, yes.
Here we are. Okay.

You still waiting
on your date there, ma'am?

Oh, I lied about that
to keep the creeps away.

Really?

Would you mind
if I joined you, then?

I don't know. Are you a creep?

Yeah, I think so.

(laughs):
Well, in that case, sit down.

All right,
let that be there.

Yeah.

Although, I feel like
I should tell you,

I am carrying
another man's baby.

You are? Wow.

Well, that's complicated.

On the plus side,

I am the only single woman
left on the planet.

Ah. Okay.
See, I can work with that.

That's nice, yeah.

Well, I guess, if we're being
honest with each other,

I should let you know
that I'm, uh, married.

Chef Miyagi!
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but it's okay.
I'm getting a divorce soon.

Yeah, my brother's actually
sleeping with my wife.

(laughs)

(groans)
Water.

It burns my throat.

I just don't like it.

You'll get used to it.

Maybe I'll try putting
an olive in it.

Transition into
it, you know?

(groans)
Hello.

Oh, Geez of Nazareth!

Man, you got to stop

coming up on me
like that, Carol.

I'm gonna start making people
wear bells around their necks.

Uh, Gail's trying to stop
drinking, so she's a little...

Well, you saw her.

Well, good
for you, Gail.

And as a show of solidarity,
I'm gonna join you.

I can't drink, anyway.

Baby on board. Beep, beep!

Out of my way!

(laughs) Yeah.

Not drinking for two now.

Well, good luck with that.

Looks like I'm drinking
for four now.

Hey, this is
actually pretty easy.

Yeah, that motion seems to
come to you pretty naturally.

(laughs)

(coughing)

Doing okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine.

Just a little tuckered out,
is all.

You're a little tuckered out?

That's funny, I thought
your name was Mike. Boom.

Solid.

(chuckles):
I know.

Hey, bud.

I just want to thank you

for having sex
with Carol and stuff.

It-it meant a lot to me.

To be honest with you, I'm
really excited to be an uncle.

Well, you're gonna be
a godfather, too.

Well, I guess that's better than
being a godfather three. Boom.

Solid.

I know.
(chuckles)

So what do you say?

You want to be our godfather?

(imitating Vito Corleone):
It's an offer I can't refuse.

I don't underst...
Why are you talking like that?

TODD:
Well, well, well.

Oh, hey, bud.

How hangs it?

I was just coming by
to get some milk,

but you guys probably already
dried her out, didn't you?

Oh, come on, Toddler.

I'm not a toddler.

I'm a man.

Hey, Mike is my brother,
(coughing)

and I'm going to spend time
with him,

and I will not
apologize for that.

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, make me seem
like the crazy one, huh?

(coughing)
"Todd's upset at Tandy

for hanging out
with his brother."

Huh? Is that how
you're gonna spin this?

I'm not spinning it.
(coughing continues)

If anything,
I'm keeping it firmly in place!

Okay, you know what?
It's time to face facts, Tandy.

Here's the thing,
ever since he showed up,

you don't have any time...

Good God.

It's just a cold, okay?
Or allergies.

But Todd said he
coughed up blood!

You know what? Uh, Todd's
just spreading rumors.

Yeah, that's right.

You know where he works?
At the rumor mill.

Yeah, and, uh, you
know what his name

would be if Bruce Willis
was his dad?

Rumer.
It's not a rumor.

Yes, it is. I mean,
this is clearly revenge

'cause you're so jealous
of me and Mike.

And that, my friend,
is what's not a rumor.

No, that's a
Tallulah and Scout.

Bruce Willis's
other kids.

Tandy, whatever is
going on between us,

this is bigger.

Now, I saw it. It was blood.

You need to tell the truth.

Okay, okay.

There might have been,
uh, just a teeny,

tiny little bit of blood.

(groans)
But I've coughed
up blood,

like, a million times,

and that doesn't mean

that I have the virus, right?

He's fine.

But does he have the rash?

Not on his genitals.

Sorry, Tandy.
Just trying to help.

(Mike coughing)

Oh.
Where are you going?

Away from him.

Why are you all panicking?

We're immune, remember?

We're all safe.

Not all of us.

Oh, my God.

What about our babies?

TODD: There is no guarantee
that those babies

will be immune to the virus.

Yeah, Tandy. Do you want to give
the virus to the babies,

you dumb son of a bitch?

Oh, Gail, have a drink!

(throwing her voice):
I agree with Erica.

Who said that? Todd?

Thank you for seconding
Erica's statement.

I agree with Todd and Erica.

Look, I am telling you,
Mike is fine.

I'm out of here.

On your tail.

Wait for me.

Takes me a little longer
to get up these days.

Already on the second trimester
of my first week.

You're going, too?

Sorry, Tandy,
but I don't think

we can afford
to take a chance here.

So we're just gonna
leave him, huh?

We're just gonna let him
wake up all alone

and try to piece together
what the hell happened?

We can't be
stupid about this.

Well, maybe there's a way to be

smart and stupid
at the same time.

(coughing)

Sup, dawg?

Don't be alarmed.

Why on earth would I be alarmed?

(chuckles)
That's the spirit.

Hey, why don't you come
on into the living room

and have a seat, huh?

ERICA:
Oh, Jenga!

(Tandy clears throat)

Look who I found, huh?

What do you say we go
join the group, huh?

Right this way.

Don't be shy.

If you guys could
make a little room.

Nice of Melissa to clear
you a little spot there.

Hey, Mike.

Hi.

So how was your
little nappy-poo?

Do I have the virus?

Well, I mean,
you know...

Maybe.

Okay, yeah.

Look, l-look.

These guys think that
there's, uh, you know,

just a-a small possibility
that you might just have,

like, a-a teeny-tiny
touch of the virus.

Just-just a
smidgen, really.
Okay.

Okay, okay.

I mean, we're
not worried.

I mean, not one bit.

Yeah, you guys reek
of confidence.

So I assume
that thing's for me, huh?

Hey, look, we're doing this
'cause we care about you.

We just have to be
careful, you know?

So why don't you
just pop in there,

ride out this cold,

and one day, we'll all
laugh at this like hyenas.

(chuckles)

Where do I go to the bathroom?

Oh, don't worry.
We got that all taken care of.

(quietly):
Todd, go get me a bucket.

This is gonna be great, bud.

Yeah, we're just gonna have
a nice normal night.

And who knows?

Maybe you'll even have
a little fun along the way.

TODD: Miley Cyrus!
MELISSA: Yes!

Uh, okay, this guy's dead
from the virus.

Lead singer of U2.
Uh, Bono!

Yes! Okay.

Um, this guy's regular dead.

Uh, "Frankly, Scarlett,
I don't give a damn."

Uh, Clark Gable!
Yes.

Five seconds!
Okay, okay, okay, um...

Dead New England
Patriots quarterback,

married to the dead model,
both from the virus.

Tom Brady!
Yes!

TANDY: Time!
Yes!

Guys, do we have to say that the
person's dead every single time?

You know, it just seems like
a major buzz kill.

Well, an even bigger buzz kill

is losing the game
due to lack of clarity.

You want to go, Mike?

Uh, no, no, I'm fine.

Aw, come on, Chef Miyagi.

Come on, come on.
Mike, Mike...

ALL (chanting):
Mike, Mike, Mike...

O... Okay, okay, okay,
all right.

Ready, go.
Okay.

Um, I'm not sure how to
describe this person.

Enrique Iglesias!
No.

Julio Iglesias!

Let him get a clue out.

I got a method!

Uh, just pass.
Pass on this one. Pass.

(coughs)

Okay, uh, this person
was on Seinfeld.

Seinfeld!

No, close.
Glenn Close!

No, I-I don't know if
you're gonna get this one.

It just says, um,

"The dead guy who
played Newman."

I don't know, um...

Hey, can we maybe do
something else, maybe? Just...

What's wrong, Mike?

It's just a little weird,
you know, just...

The suits.

It's the friggin' suits.
I knew it.

Well, you know what?

Tandy, no!

No. Look, it's fine, okay?

He has a cold.

That's it.

Now, look at this.

I'm taking my friggin' suit off,
and the world is still turning.

All right?

So what do you say?

Does anybody else
want to join me?

So this is actually
a pretty typical

second date for me, you know.

(chuckles)
Yeah.

You know,
first date, always hibachi,

and then the second date,
I like to invite a lady

back to my quarantine bubble,
and, you know...

Mm. (chuckles)

Yeah, you're a real
smooth operator, Mike.

(both laugh)

(coughs)

(sniffles)

(clears throat)

Sorry my sickness is,
uh, you know, scaring you.

I'm not worried.

Yeah, I think I'm coming
around to Tandy's theory.

It's just a cold.

Would it be okay if I, uh...

It would.

Hang on, let's...
let's do this right.

(chuckles)

TANDY:
Ooh!

(all oohing)

(whooping)

Oh, my God,
you guys, hurry!

Come quick!

Oh, farts.

Oh, you poor little thing.

Your mama's gone,
but you still got us.

Has Mike been around this cow?

He was milking it today.

He has to go, now.

There's no way the virus
could take down a cow

in, like, six hours.

Then how else do you explain it?

Uh, you know, uh, uh...

It could have been old age.

Uh, the cow could
have had, like,

some congenital hoof disorder.

Uh, hell, could have
been this little guy!

I mean, look at him
and those demon eyes.

No, Tandy.

That cow survived the virus
just like us,

and now look at her.

I'm with Melissa.

Three strikes, you're out.

Let's do this.

But you...
Oh, wait!

You forgot your
friggin' pitchforks

and your torches!

Hey, whoa! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! What's going on?!

I'm sorry, bud.
We're moving you, all right?

What? What? Why? What happened?!
We got him.

Get out of here!
Come on, guys...

Get away from him!
What are you doing?!

If you move him, you're gonna
have to move me, too.

Great. Todd, move Tandy.

Todd!

I friggin' love you, man.

But if you take one more step,
I will friggin' rip you apart.

Phil, if they want me to go,
I'll just go.

No! Mike, you're staying
right here.

This is my brother.

Okay? My own flesh and blood.

Until two weeks ago,

I thought I had
lost him forever.

What are the chances?

The entire world dies--
there's seven of us--

and my brother shows up.

That is not a coincidence.

I said good-bye to him once.

I am not gonna do it again.

He has a friggin' cold.

(coughing)

Come on, we got to find
a house for the night.

You mind if I stay
with Mike tonight?

All right?

Okay, it's fine.

Just be careful.

You're the best.
You're the best.

CAROL:
Okay, Mike.

Good night.

Night.

Phil, come on.

Maybe I should just go away
for a while, all right?

It's a cold, Mike.

It's a cold.

Yeah.

All right, you want
to get some sleep?

Sure.

What do you think, 69 or 11?

Why don't we start with 11
and go from there.

Sure.

(sniffles)

(sighs)

You want to do one
for old time's sake?

(coughs)

♪ I don't know you ♪

BOTH:
♪ But I want you ♪

♪ All the more for that ♪

(coughs)

♪ Words fall through me ♪

♪ Always fool me ♪

♪ And I can't react... ♪

(coughs)

♪ ♪

"So long, Phil.

Didn't want you to have
to say good-bye again."

CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH