The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 16 - Falling Slowly - full transcript

Mike decides to be the father of Phil and Carols baby, and excludes Todd from the position. Meanwhile Phil is worried Carol will fall for Mike.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Did you give yourself
a little haircut there?

No, this is actually, uh, Mike's work.

Hope you're not allergic to poison oak.

I'm gonna get you back.

This has got to stop.

I'm sorry.

Carol... I'm sterile.

I want you to put
Tandy's baby inside of me.

You've got it.

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ But I want you ♪

♪ All the more for that ♪

♪ Words fall through me ♪

♪ And always fool me ♪

♪ And I can't react ♪

♪ You have ♪

♪ Suffered enough ♪

♪ And warred with yourselves... ♪

Yeah, at least they're
not fighting anymore.

♪ It's time that you ♪

Could they not fight somewhere else?

They've sang this song, like, six times.

The movie is called Once!

♪ Take this sinking boat ♪

♪ And point it home ♪

♪ We've still got ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ Raise your hopeful voice ♪

♪ You have a choice ♪

♪ You made it ♪

♪ Now ♪

That was great!

It was really great.

You want to do another one?

Sure, what are you thinking?

"Falling Slowly?"

- I'll go "Falling Slowly," yeah.
- Sure.

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ But I want you ♪

I... can't, I can't.

♪ All the more for that... ♪


I finished my drawing.

What do you think?

It's really, uh, something.

Yeah, it's a stork

dropping a baby into our eager hands.

Well, that's funny.

That looks like a little
baby version of Todd,

even has the little mustache there.

We should talk.

I think there may still be
a way for us to have a baby.

Really? How?

Well, I took a little initiative,

and I talked to Todd,

and he graciously agreed
to be a sperm donor for us.

Oh, my God, that's great.

Okay, I'm so relieved.

I just, I thought for
sure you would be angry

about another man
performing the nasty with me.

W-wait, uh, t-the nasty?

I-I-I thought we were talking
turkey baster here, Carol.

Statistically speaking,

the best way for Todd's product
to gain purchase in my egg

would be the old-fashioned way.

Don't you think you should
have asked me about this first?

I mean, this is you
having sex with Todd.

Well, there is Mike.

No, absolutely not.

- My own brother, Carol?
- Well...

re-enter Todd.

Pun intended.

I don't know, Carol,

and first and foremost, I don't know if

I can stomach letting
another man at your privates.

But, man, we really do want a child,

and it's a dead end street with my guys.

Although what if you somehow

fell for him.

Ah, you're not gonna fall for Todd.

But he is on kind of a roll.


I can't think that way.

This is a chance to
keep civilization going.

Let's do this, Carol.


Let's have Todd put my baby in you.

♪ Your melody... ♪

- ♪ I'll sing it ♪
- Uh-uh.

♪ Loud. ♪

- That was great.
- Yeah.

Should we do another one?

Yeah, what do you want to do?

Well, I-I mean, I'd
do "Falling Slowly."

Yeah, okay.

There we go.

So, Carol and I are getting a divorce.


What? What are you talk...

I thought you guys were doing great.

Oh, we are, never better,

but, you know, she's
getting married to Todd.


Hold on, I-I-I feel like
I'm missing something here.

Oh, yeah, y-uh, we're having a baby.

Wildly lost at this point.

Okay, i-i-it'll be my
baby, but it's Todd's.


In space, you get
disoriented, but I feel like

this is like... what's happening?

You know I'm sterile, right?

- I did not know that.
- I should have led with that.

Yeah, no, that's a pretty
natural opener, yeah.

A-anyway, big time blanks down there,

like, extremely sterile.

- So, Carol is marrying Todd?
- Yeah, 'cause they...

they're gonna have sex, so that
means they have to get married.

She's very old-fashioned in that way.

You know what, I kind
of love her for that.

Yeah, me too. Yeah, I mean,
I've never told her but...

You've never told her you loved her?


You got to do that.
You got to get on that.

Yeah, oh, no, no, I will,

I'm just, uh, waiting
for the-the perfect time.

Anyway, so quick divorce,

marriage to Todd, impregnation,

divorce from Todd,
re-marriage to me, birth.

Yeah, well, that's-that's
really nice of Todd to do that.

- He's a good dude. Yeah.
- Yeah.

No, that's a... that's
a... that's a... yeah.


Um, uh, you know,

I-I-I would've asked you,

but, you know, Carol...

- is a little...
- Oh, yeah, yeah...

- uncomfortable with it.
- Understood, yeah.

I-I wanted it to be you.

I did, I did.

You know, fought pretty hard for it...

really hard,

you know, valiantly...

but, uh, Carol calls the shizzies.

- Yeah.
- The shots.

- Hey, say no more.
- Yeah.


Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got a song to sing here, okay.

So, when's the big... the big wedding?

Oh, no, I talked to Carol,

and she promised me

it's not gonna be some big to-do.

Good luck to you,
buddy, she's a handful.

Pretty ugly spot for a wedding, huh?

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman,

however briefly, in holy matrimony.

Marriage should never
be entered into lightly,

for its sacred bonds last forever.

Its union...


Now we come to the part in the ceremony

where Carol and I will divorce.

Who will be notarizing the papers?

I will.

I'm a licensed notary.

Okay, so, here...

and here.

All right.

Carol and I are duly divorced.

Uh, would anybody like
to go out on a date?

Too soon.

It's time for the vows.


Todd, this is not

my first sexual rodeo...

but still you accepted me as a pure

and unsullied vessel for
your seed, and because of you,

our child will not be a bastard.

No judgment, Erica.

None... taken?

Carol, that was beautiful.


I can't believe we're-we're doing this.

Join the club.

I am so...

honored and blessed by the opportunity

to make a life for you and Tandy,

and to do so in the
presence of my two lovers,

with their full support
makes it all the more special.

Tandy, you're like a brother to me, man,

and like a brother,
I'd do anything for you.

It just... it all comes back to family.

Yeah, uh, thank you, Todd.

Yeah, that was very, uh...


Now I'm obligated to ask

if anyone has an objection
to these two being married,

speak now or forever hold your peace.



Well, if that's the case,

I guess I'll say it...

no friggin' way.

I'm sorry?


I am so sorry to ruin

this beautiful wedding,

and I love you, Todd.

You are like a brother to me...

but Mike...

you're even more like a brother,

because you are a brother...

my brother, brother.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, Mike Shelby Miller,

will you be our sperm?

Well, I thought you said
Carol didn't want that.

It wasn't Carol.

It was me...

plus, I didn't think
you'd want to do this.

Yeah, of course, I'd want to.

Uh, that is, if Carol is okay with it?

Well, I should probably
check with my fiancé.


Dear Lord.

- He's fine.
- Yeah...

- Yeah?
- Right, bud?

No, of... come on, uh, yeah,

of course, I mean, y-you
know he's your brother.

I mean, it kind of makes sense.

So, I-I, you know,

yeah, of course, yeah, please,

I'm not upset.

What do you say, Spaceman?

I-I'd be honored.

Todd, could you go take a seat?

I'm going, okay?


- I'm going.
- Okay.

Sorry, yeah, hey, thanks.

Here we go. This is...

Frickin' ridiculous.

Well, switching gears, uh...


Pretty ugly spot for a wedding, huh?

Okay, I'll be at the bar.

Marriage should never
be entered into lightly,

for its sacred bonds last forever.

- There you go.
- All right, here we go.

I can't wait.


It's a raisin ball cake.


Can you taste the mustard?

Sure can, yeah, mmm.

It's kind of a new thing I'm starting...

♪ Say we like to body
rock the parties ♪

just to give it a little more spice,

bringing out the acidity of the raisins.

♪ Rock the parties ♪

♪ Party, party ♪

♪ You like to body ♪

♪ Rock the party ♪

♪ We like to instant
pop the parties ♪

♪ Party, party ♪

♪ P-p-party, party... ♪

You okay?


- Why wouldn't I be?
- I don't know.

Uh, detecting kind of
an anger in your moves.

Well, you must be
reading my moves wrong.


Are we good here?


'Cause you seem upset.

Why would I be upset?

I don't know, 'cause you
said you're okay with it.

Well, then I guess I
must be okay with it.

So, we're good?

So good, bro.

♪ Now this is what you gotta do ♪

♪ This is what you gotta do ♪

♪ There's one thing you must do ♪

♪ Round up ♪

♪ Boogie ♪

♪ Round up, round up, round up ♪

♪ I must get mine ♪

♪ I'm out to get it... ♪

- If I'm being honest,
- Mm-hmm.

I never really knocked moccasins

with someone I don't know that well.

Yeah, well, why don't we
get to know each other then?

- Okay.
- Yeah? Um...

how'd you and Phil meet?

- I saw his billboards,
- Mm-hmm.

And then I caught him sniffing my bra,

and I almost shot him,

and then he wet himself...

and we've been together ever since.

So, just a classic
pee-at-first-sight, huh?


Exactly, yeah.

All right, Carol,

I would have peed like crazy
the first time I saw you, too.

Oh, would you?

Heck, I may have even squeezed out

a little, teeny, tiny turd.

I don't know.

Oh, Tandy, what the hell have you done?

He's really...

How's that happy couple, huh?

- Oh, we're great.
- Mm-hmm.

We're just getting to know each other

- even more.
- Mm-hmm.

So, today's the big day, huh?

I got you a little gift.

You are such a doll.

You b... oh, wow.

- What?
- Thanks, Phil.

- Wow.
- It's for the connubial venture.

You know, uh, s-some
outfits for the occasion.

Hey, that's a... that's a nice blue.

- Look at that.
- Huh.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

You know, I think they're

fairly self-explanatory,

but in case they're not, uh,

this hole is for your penis, Mike.

And this is for your corresponding

sexual area, Carol.

Anyway, when we get into that sex room,

let's just keep it simple, huh?

This is not the Winter Olympics.

There's no style points.

No hot dogging.

Let's just represent our country,

get through the race,

get back to the village.

It's just an honor to be there.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yep.
- Yeah. I-I think

we know what we're doing.

Oh, no, no, no, I know.

I-I-I... we'll figure it out

as we go, yeah...

I'm sorry, "we?"

W-what are you talking about?

Oh, I'm gonna be there.

Here we go.


What do you think?

Here, right here,

is the, uh, insemination bed.

Uh, this is my seat.

It's right here on the 50 yard line.

Although, I might move it
down closer to field goal range

once we get going, you
know, depending on what's...

you know, where the
action's at and such.

Uh, we'll deal... that'll
be a game time decision.

Anyway, uh...

why don't we take our positions

and, uh, you know, make a baby.

Phil, I got to say,

I-I'm not totally comfortable

- with this arrangement.
- Well...

you know, this is the
arrangement we got, so, uh,

if you don't like it,
there's the friggin' beads.


All right, well, uh, sorry, Carol,

- I just...
- lt's okay, Mike.


Uh, Mike, Mike,

wait, w-w-wait a minute,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hear me out.

Look, there actually

is a very serious
reason I need to be here.

I'm listening.

I want to get a real close up

of that genitalia of yours.

JK, this is a bad time for a joke,

but seriously,

have you ever seen the
movie Indecent Proposal?

Yes, of course.

I just think that if Woody Harrelson

had been in that room,

Demi Moore would have never
stayed with Robert Redford,

and I will go to my
grave with that opinion.

But Demi Moore ends up going back

to Woody Harrelson at
the end of the movie.

Yeah, but...

Look, just do what you need to do.

Please don't look at my genitals.

You know I can't make
that promise, Mike.

I cannot believe I'm
gonna do this, okay.

You're gonna do it!

He's gonna do it.

He's back in.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Thanks, Mike.
- Hey, yeah, no.

Let's get into positions, huh?

Those, uh, robes off.

Oh, yeah...

First here.

- Hi.
- Hi.



Okay, Mike.

- Yeah.
- Let's get this picnic started, huh?

Why don't you lay out
the gingham blanket.

I'm sorry, what?

You're on a friggin' picnic, Mike!

God, it's like he's
never had sex before.

Okay, I-I-I guess I'm
opening up the picnic basket?

Yes, Mike.

- Mm-hmm.
- Very good.

What did you bring?

Uh, uh... potato salad.

No, 'cause you know

- I have a bad po-tah-to allergy.
- Okay.

Got a fricking po-tah-to allergy, dude.

Okay, all right, fine, okay...

uh, coleslaw?

- Yes!
- Okay.

Mike, you brought coleslaw,

but it's high 70s out,
so we got to eat it fast.

Enough with the friggin'
side dishes, Carol.

Get to the main course.

Well, I'm pretty hungry
for some fried chicken.

Okay, all right, well, let
me, uh, let me grab you some

fried chicken...

N-n-n-no, watch that hand.

Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, all right, what...

I'm not allowed to touch her?

Only with your penis.

Okay, fine.

All right, um, I'm sorry, where were we?

Oh, fried chicken.

- Fried chicken, fried chicken.
- Okay, fried chicken.

- Uh-oh, oh, no, Carol.
- Oh!

I just knocked over the baked beans.

No, you did not!

Oh, my God.

You know I love my baked beans.

Now we got to clean them all up...

with our mouths.

They're really invested
in this picnic theme.

Would you like some iced tea, Mike?

Ooh, that sounds good.

I don't know that I
like living here anymore.

Oh, yes, this picnic is so good.

I'm starting to see some ants.

Oh, I-I-I see them, too.

They're heading right towards us.

They are on the blanket!

- Carol...
- Oh, God.

They're on the watermelon,

and they're climbing
up onto the coleslaw.

- Oh, there's so many ants!
- Carol!

- Oh, the ants are all over this picnic.
- Carol...

Oh, no...

- Carol, Carol! ...
- so many ants.

- Carol, Carol, look at me.
- Oh, oh, no!

They are gonna ruin the coleslaw!

Carol, I love you!

I love you, Carol.

I love you, too, Tandy.

You're gonna do this now?

Oh, come... no, please.

Please, please, please stop.


okay, guys, picnic's canceled.

I love you, too.

I-I don't really care... right now.

How was the picnic last night?

Well, it was a very...
was a very crowded park,

and we had a pretty serious
looky-loo situation as well.

Yeah, and Mike's impotent,
so that's kind of a bummer.

Yeah, Phil, I'm not impotent.

Mike, I was there.

I saw it, okay.

Or rather, didn't see it. Wink, wink.

No, it's fine, no judgments.

Wink, wink.

Phil, having another
person yell, "I love you,"

to the person you're having sex with

is kind of a buzz kill.

Agree to disagree.

Uh, but, yeah, as he said, uh,

I finally did declare my love for Carol,

and it was, uh, quite well-received.

What, you hadn't done that before?

Melissa, you know me,

I'm kind of a perfect moment guy.

Morning, everybody.

Todd, made a little,
uh, change there, I see.

Uh, yeah, I did.

Why, was I supposed to ask permission?

Of course not, no.

Yeah, 'cause I'm free to
do what I want, when I want.

I don't have to answer to anybody,

except for Gail and Melissa.

Damn right.


Look, bud, I'm sensing
a little hostility here.

Uh, what do you say we
go out and take a little

tandem jet ski ride and talk it out?

Yeah, I'm afraid I'm a
little booked up today.

Why don't you ask Mike?

Well, I have a date with
a friend from Bordeaux.

Gail, it's a little early for wine.

Hi, Gail.

Bye, Gail.

Good morning.

Hey, I'm ovulating,

so we should probably get to it, Mike.

Tandy, you want to
get your grabber stick?

- Yeah.
- Uh, Carol, give me that.


You took this test just now?

Yeah, it's still got pee on it,

so you might not want to
hold it over your cereal.

Carol, this isn't an ovulation test.

This is a pregnancy test.

Oh, gosh, they look the same.

Let me get an ovulation test.



You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant?

I'm pregnant!



Mike, you're not impotent, bud.

Yeah, I know that.

I think you're missing the point.

That can't be my baby, anyway.

It has to be your baby.

No, nothing happened last night.

It's too soon, anyway.

What, so... what are you saying?

Buddy, that baby's yours.

- What?
- Yeah.

I did it.

Sure did.

I did it!