The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 15 - Fourth Finger - full transcript

Phil deals with Mikes pranks, and Todd is too honest with his two lovers.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

Hey, guys,

this is my little
brother, Mike.

I'm surprised that people aren't
calling you by your nickname.



Our grandmother was dying

and this guy went
on a kayaking trip.

Good burn.

Looks like we're even now.

No, we're pretty far
from even, bud.

Oh, my God.

You know anything about,
uh, this?


(chuckles wryly)

CAROL: Tandy,
are you all right?

'Cause I found
all this hair by the bed.

I'm great.

Oh, my.



Did you give yourself
a little haircut there?

No, this is actually,
uh, Mike's work, I believe.

Uh, am I right there, Mike?

Oh, yeah, no, it sure is.

Well, Mike,
I think you missed a spot.

Oh, no, no, no, Carol,
I hit all the spots

I was hoping to hit.

See, you got business
on the right, there,

and party on the left.

Bet you think this
is a huge burn, huh?

I think it's
a considerable burn, yes.

Guess what? The burn's on you.

Yeah, 'cause I friggin' love it.

Yeah, I was going to actually
do this to myself at some point,

so you just saved me
a bunch of time.

So thank you.

Oh, well, you're welcome, Phil.

Tandy, were you really gonna
do this to yourself?

Because it's wildly uneven.

Yeah, it looks like you got
nuked right in the face.

You look like

two different serial killers.

Yeah, you look like
you're from the future,

and you're here
to warn us about technology.

Give him a break, guys.

You know, I-I-I kind of like it.

Thank you Todd.

And thank you, Mike.

I mean, a-a-again,
absolutely love it.

Major time saver.

Well, I hope you were planning
on matching your carpet

to your drapes,
'cause I went ahead

and saved you some time
there as well.

(laughs) Yeah, you did,
and yeah, I was.

Another round of thanks.

Another round
of you're welcomes.


(stressed sighing)

Friggin' Mike.


You know, now that
I'm used to it,

it doesn't look
half bad. Boom.

It's so fun to get
to say booms now.

Hardy har har, Carol.

If you don't like it,
you can just shave it off.

Oh, and give Mike
the satisfaction?

No way.

I'm gonna give him
something else.

A taste
of his own medicine.

(scoffs) No.

You two are even now.

You made him feel awful for
missing your grandma's death.

This is just a classic
tit-for-tat situation.

Your head's the tat,
and your grandma was the tit.

God, Carol,
you're just like my parents.

No matter what Mike did,
they always took his side.

I'm on our side.

Maybe you'd realize that if you

just stopped focusing
on your tits.

Carol, you got
to start listening

to yourself when you talk.


Hey, Sweet Cheeks.


I-I just stopped by
to say hi real quick.

Oh, you're not gonna stay?

I got a bunch
of stuff to do.

I-I got to, you know,
clean out my desk,

uh, (sighs) iron my socks.

Todd, are you
going to see Melissa?


Okay, why didn't
you just say that?

I should've.

It's just...
I've-I've never had

two girlfriends before.

We're all adults here,

and I think that we
should just make a promise

that we're always gonna
be honest with each other.

That sounds good
to me, okay.
(chuckles) Good.

So when do you think
you'll be done with Melissa?

Uh, ballparking it?

Um, I get there around 6:00.

We usually start a movie,

then, uh, hop
underneath the covers.

Uh, things, uh, uh, get
a little-little handsy.

M-maybe some kissing, uh,

and then she-she on top of me
for some light grinding,

uh, maybe five minutes.

Then, we, uh,
start taking our clothes off--

you know that's quick--
two minutes.

Uh, then, we, uh, have sex.

You know, usually
missionary in nature...

Okay, I think
I've got the picture.

We-we got this, right?
We got this.

Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.

TANDY: Hey, Mike, hope you're
not allergic to poison oak,

'cause you're about
to be sleeping in it.



Nice try,
you friggin' piece of crap.

But you got to get up
a little earlier in the morning

to put one over
on ole Tandycakes.

What the hell is this?

Who cares about money now?

What a dummy.
(loud pop)

He friggin' Smurfed me.

It's not coming off.

It's not coming off.

What do I do? What do I do?


So there I am,

standing between
Denzel Washington's legs,

and I'm saying,
"Push, Denzel, push."

And Denzel pops out

the most beautiful
little Siamese twins.

They are perfect.

And then he says, "Sally?"--

'cause he's calling me Sally
for some reason--

he says, "Sally,

"you keep my attached babies.

I got my movie career."

And I have had
that dream 50 times,

and I do not know what it means.

Oh, that, that wasn't a dream,

(imitating echo)
Sally... Sally... Sally...

Oh, that's not funny.
I thought it...

Good morning.

I didn't mean
to scare you.

Tandy, are you wearing makeup?

(laughing): Oh, yeah,

and I'm also wearing
a dress and heels, Gail.

"Am I wearing makeup?"

But seriously, though,

everyone sleep well?

Huh? Mike?

Yeah, slept like a rock.

Really? Hmm.

I actually tried out this new,

uh, house down the road here.

Oh, you did, now?

You did, now, huh.

So, uh, bring that,
uh, sleeping bag with you?

No. No, didn't need it.

No, I slept in a bed
like a big boy.

Truth be told,

it was sad being
so far away from you.

Yeah, it made me real blue.

I'm sure it did.
It did.

So where is this new place?


(laughing) I'm gonna need
an exact address, bro.

I mean, how am I gonna
get you your Christmas cards?

Well, I'll have to show
it to you sometime.

I'm dying to have you over.

I'd like that.

Really, it's like there's makeup
on top of blue ink.

It's called a suntan,
guys, I mean... (laughs)

You never seen
a suntan before?

So, uh, Gail and I

had sex twice,
right before I came over.

She had me trying out
some new maneuves,

and we did that thing
where, uh, you hold

the woman upside down
around the waist, uh...

God, I know there's
a name for it... uh, it was...

Todd, I don't... I don't
want to talk about that.

Well, I-I just want
to be completely honest

with you, hon, because,
uh, Gail said that

that's the only way
that this is gonna work.

Look, Todd, I already
only have you

50% of the time,

I don't want to spend that
time talking about Gail.

No, yeah, no,
absolutely, you know,

and you deserve 100%
of that 50%.

Y... although, remember,
I do have to shave off

a little slice
for Erica's baby.

Y... d... say 20%.

Uh, are you sure
you're not taking on

more than you can handle?

Uh, you-you can't be
all things to all people.

Look, you are my priority.

You're my number one.

M-m-my co-number one.

And-and-and you deserve,
you know,

uh, exactly, uh,

uh, b-between...

40 and-and 50% of me.

So romantic.


Ah, it's go time.

♪ This oak is poison. ♪

(loud thudding)

Howdy, Phil.

Mike, what a pleasant surprise,

geez, to say the least, yeah.

So, uh, uh, this your new place?

Yeah, not bad, huh?

What's the, uh, deal

with all
the-the water bottles and such?

Oh, yeah,
this is just a little

home security system
I rigged up.

Why would you need
something like that?

No reason.

See you got
your little suit on, huh?

Laundry day.

Can I help you?

No, I'm just, you know,
I'm just out here,

uh, doing my neighborhood
watch program.

Yeah, I'm actually
a block captain.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, just, uh,
sweeping the perimeter

to make sure
everything's secure.


See, it's funny,
'cause it kinda looks like

you were gonna put
poison oak in my bed.


That's loco, man.

You're friggin' paranoid.

A friggin' block captain, uh,

putting poison oak in your bed?

Uh, that's the kind of stuff
I'm trying to stop, dude.


Wh-What's in the bag, then?

You know, uh,

just, uh, nothing, you know.

See, I think that
it's poison oak.

Well, then you're
a friggin' idiot,

'cause this was gonna be
a housewarming gift for you.


I guess I'm a little confused.

Why would
my older brother get me

poison oak
as a housewarming gift?

It's not poison oak, Mike!

Why don't you look me
in the eyes and say that.

It's not poison oak...


Then why don't you go ahead
and rub it on your balls for me?


You happy now?

Outside the bag.

Under the suit.

Directly on your balls.

I know it's poison oak,

I know it up here,

and you know it.

And I'm gonna
get you back.


(screaming gibberish)

How dare you!

Oh, relax, it's only
the fourth one.


I can't believe you
just threw sand at me.

I'm gonna have
to get you back for that one.

Oh, you... (yells)

Oh, I forgot,
I have something for you.

You have some nerve!

The fourth one.

Here, eat sand.

Still the fourth one.

Mike! I didn't even

hit you with the sand, man!

Mike, you can't get me back
for something I didn't do!

Come on, man!

I didn't do anything!


Mike, you in here?

Hey, Tandy.

I'm worried about you,
you're not looking good.

He's too flippin' good, man.

Friggin' guy is everywhere.

I need your help, T.
I need your spirit.

I can't.
I've crunched the numbers.

It's a
mathematical impossibility.

But I need you, bud.

I need you so hard.

And I want to be there
for you so hard,

but I'm hanging on
by a thread, here.

I've got two girlfriends;
something's got to give.

You make me sick.


I don't need your help.

I can do this on my own.

Get out of here.


Enough is enough.


(gasps) Listen,
I'm here for you, buddy.

What can I do to help?


Have you met my friend, Todd?


This is my house.

This is my friend.

This here Malibu

is Tandy country.

You been put on blast.

Okay, this was just supposed
to be you and me goofing around.

All right, now you're bringing
other people into it?

I'm so sorry, Todd.

You win. I'm out.

Tandy, it's over.

You are so naive, Todd.

It's not over.

He just wants me to think it is
so I'll let my guard down.

This is only the beginning.

(loud popping)


stop popping my alarm system.

Okay, okay,
this has got to stop.

This is like McDreamy
versus McSteamy redux.

I'll stop when he stops,
and he will never stop, Carol.

Hey, I want you
to see something.

(popping continues)



Look at these two

little boys.

They love each other so much.

I mean, yeah,
we had some good times.

Hey, trust me,
you show him this stuff,

it will turn on
his heart light.

Family's everyone's weak spot.


You're right, it is.


What's wrong?

I was reading this letter
that Mom and Dad wrote you

while you were in space.

It's really moving.

What? Let me see it.

I'd love to show
it to you, bud,

but I'm gonna burn it.

No, hey! Don't you dare!

The pranks stop now.

I-I already told you
I was stopping.

Half of me really wants
to give it to you,

but the other half
needs it for insurance.

All right, I'm gonna go
put this in my hiding place,

and don't bother looking for it,

'cause you'll never find it.

(bubble wrap popping)



Now, let's take
a wild guess here.

Typical Skidmark.


Our dearest Michael,

I miss you so much.

I wish I could say everything

has been great down here
since you left.

that's not the case.

We buried
your father yesterday,

and I know it's only
a matter of time for me.

Just know how proud your father
and I were to call you our son.

I know we'll be together
in the next life.

With all of the love
in my heart...

Skidmark. That's right,

I wrote this entire letter
this morning. Burn!

Facial! Suck it!

Oh, and P.S., this letter
is covered in poison oak.

You get Mom's letter?

(bubble wrap popping)

♪ ♪

CAROL: Like, I'm just not
gonna sleep anymore.

That's not a solution.
It'll be fine.

(clears throat)

Good evening.

What in the name of G-O-D.

Looks like Hitler's mustache
is sliding off your face.

Yeah, you look like
a melon with a mold problem.

It looks like the floor
of a barbershop

took a dump on half your face.

Well, take a good
long look at it,

'cause this is who I am.

My best friend's
having a meltdown?

No problem.

I shave half my hair, mustache,

and mons pubis for him.

Erica, you need me
to be your baby daddy?


Carol, you keep having
crazy baby dreams,

obviously still upset
about Tandy's sterility.

Well, I'm here for you.

Just tell me what you need.

'Cause I can give 100%
to every person

on the face of the earth,
and still have 100%

to give to you, Gail,

and you, Melissa.

Now-now I know that adds up

to be about 600%,
but what can I say?

I've never been good at math.

Just about the only thing
I am good at...

is Todd.

Anybody has
any issues with that,

there's the friggin' door.

I mean, I'll get it for you.

Well, thank you for listening.

That was hot.

(door opening)


God, they loved you.


And all that stuff
that I wrote in that letter--

I got it from letters
they actually wrote to you.


Good to know.

You don't believe me?



I mean, you were all

that Mom and Dad
talked about.

Even before
you went into space.

I mean, they were
so proud of you.

And, you know,

I was always jealous
of that.

You know they were
proud of you, too.

Yeah, but it
was different.

I was a temp.

So what?
They didn't care about that.

I cared about it.


I'm sorry.

I miss them.

I do, too.

I swear to God I didn't know
we were gonna make up just now.

Great speech.

Thank you, Carol.

Yeah, you know,
it got me thinking,

maybe there is something
you can do for me.

Anything, Carol.

I want you to put
Tandy's baby inside of me.

You got it.

(rock music playing)

♪ Everybody's doing it ♪

♪ Everybody's doing it ♪

♪ Everybody's doing it ♪

♪ Doing it everywhere ♪

♪ They're doing it over here ♪

♪ They're doing it over there ♪

♪ Everybody's doing it... ♪

(music fades)

Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH