The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 14 - Skidmark - full transcript

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Previously on The Last Man on Earth... I can't believe I'm sterile.
I've been having sex all day with both Melissa and Gail.
(moaning)
(moaning)
Before Phil died, he told me
that he wanted you
to help be the father to the baby.
You monster!
(yelling)
Look!
(grunts)
(all gasping)
(grunts)
You have the nerve to show your face around here.
What is your problem, you friggin' turd.
Oh, come on.
Don't play dumb with me, you dong.
She was my frigging girlfriend.
Whoa, hold on a second.
Are you talking about Christine?
I come down from space,
after everyone in the whole world has died,
and you're talking about Christine?!
I'm talking about Christine.
She wasn't your girlfriend.
I loved her!
I called dibs and you know it.
Stop! Stop!
Sand! I'm not hungry.
Eat some frigging sand.
No, no.
Eat it. (spitting)
Eat it.
MIKE: Let go of me, stop it.
I am sorry.
Phil, I'm sorry, okay?
I had no idea you were still hanging on to this.
I am not hanging on to anything.
For the last three years,
I have been stuck up there,
and all I have thought about is you.
And now I'm here.
And we're together.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We're supposed to be celebrating.
This is a miracle.
This is amazing. Right?
(crying): I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(both crying)
Hey, guys,
this is my little brother, Mike.
(crying): It's nice meeting you guys.
MIKE: So then, once I got to Tucson, I-I-I went straight
to Phil's apartment
and it actually smelled pretty good,
so I knew this guy hadn't been there in a while.
(laughter)
But I knew that if Phil was going to stay in Tucson,
he probably would have moved to Bonita Estates.
See, he had a real boner
for this Arena Football League player.
You remember that? What was his name?
He used to live there, wh...?
Brent Junkins.
Brent Junkins, that's right.
Yeah, oh, man, he was obsessed.
He used to spy on him from across the canyon
using those, those fancy, uh, binoculars
and wearing that, that, that, that crazy outfit.
What was that called?
A ghillie suit.
Ghillie suit, right.
Oh, it's disgusting.
It looked like a used mop.
Or a clean-looking suit. CAROL: We've seen it.
Anyway, once I got there, I, I found a note that said,
"We're in Malibu," right?
Melissa left that note for us.
Well, thank God you did,
'cause that's how I ended up here.
Hey, we are so glad you did.
Uh, you know, I want to take a moment to just, uh,
apologize to all you guys about that stuff on the beach earlier.
Uh, you know, just so you all know, there was this situation
between Mike and I where, uh,
I had liked this woman, uh, quite a bit,
yes, and uh, then Mike, uh,
kind of, then went in, and fooled around with her.
Uh, fully boned her, if I'm not mistaken.
Is that, uh, would that be, uh,
the way to, uh, to characterize that?
Well, I don't know if I'd put it like that.
Oh, uh, uh, sorry.
Made love to?
Don't know if I'd put it like that, either.
(laughs)
But, uh, you know, somewhere in between, uh,
making love and-and boning, yeah?
Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.
Anyway, you know,
I thought that I had been, uh,
pretty clear with my intentions,
but I, I guess not,
and that's, uh, that's on me, of course.
And then, you know, uh, uh, Mike uh, you know,
kind of cowardly went up into, uh, space after that.
We didn't get a chance to resolve that, uh,
but, uh, you know, thank God you're, you're here now.
To resolved issues.
Hear, hear.
Cheers. Cheers.
Cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.
I want to hear more about this space stuff.
Yeah, you know, I was mostly there just to do research.
Yeah, but I... still, you went to space, you know?
(all laughing)
Yeah, no, I did, but I mean, so did chimps, right?
Huh? (laughter)
Being modest.
You know, and speaking of hairy animals,
what's with the beard, Sasquatch?
It's, uh, just, uh... Hey, I think Tandy's beard is sexy.
Thank you, Carol.
And why is everybody using your middle name?
Wh... uh, funny story, tragic story.
You know, I'm surprised that people
aren't calling you by your nickname.
(laughs) Well, that was, uh, a long time ago.
And what was Tandy's nickname?
Nobody wants to know about that.
I don't know if I should, I don't...
(all encouraging)
Skidmark.
(exclaiming, laughter) Skidmark.
Skidmark.
Right?
Ah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, my underwear were
so clean they went the other way with it.
Oh, yeah, that's why people called you Skidmark, sure, yeah.
I'd appreciate it if we'd refrain from using that.
You got it, Skidmark. (laughter)
Uh-oh.
And so it begins.
You snuck it in there.
(feigns laugher)
Oh, God.
Listen, all that stuff I said at the beach,
please, just forget I said it.
Yeah, you were all over the place on that one.
Probably, you should have told me
about Melissa privately.
And you know, the whole "Big Love" thing,
that was maybe not the best recovery.
No, I see that now.
Uh, big whiff.
Total misfire.
Just please know how sorry I am.
You guys talking about Todd's proposal?
Yup.
Yeah, no, I wa... I was just telling Gail,
big whiff, total misfire.
You think?
Yeah.
All right, see you later.
Just so you know, I don't think I'm going to be up
for your four-way.
Yeah, I'm not getting any takers on that, so...
Yeah, well, when you say,
"Will you marry me?" to someone,
and then the other person says,
"No, but do you want to be in a four-way with me?"
I mean... Yeah, no.
Big misfire, whiff.
Yeah.
(clattering)
See you around, Casanova.
Right on.
Well, we ran out of blankets,
but I was able to find a towel in the hamper.
Oh, that's fine.
Yeah.
Thanks so much for understanding the whole lodging situation.
You know, it would just be weird for you to stay in Phil's room.
You know, it's kind of a shrine right now.
Hey, I get it.
I don't want to muck anything up, you know?
Yeah, and of course,
that couch is taken 'cause
Todd called dibs on that a while back.
You know about dibs, right?
You know, when someone calls for something, you can't have it?
Sure. Yeah. Yeah.
You sure there's nowhere else inside that I could sleep?
No, you know nothing
with a view of the stars, at least.
You know, and since I know how much you like to talk
about space and stuff all the time,
I thought that, you know,
this would probably be the best fit for you.
Yeah, night-night.
Burn.
Good night, Skidmark.
Good night.
CAROL: Hey, there's my sexy Skidmark.
Carol, please.
You must be
so happy that your brother's here.
Oh, over the friggin' moon.
Well, it looks like
our family's already growing, huh?
I always pictured it'd be
with a baby instead of an adult man,
but, wow, God's plan, you know?
I'm so sorry.
In all the excitement,
we never got a chance to talk about my balls.
Now look, I know how badly you wanted this.
I'm, I'm sorry that I'm shooting blanks.
Na-huh. Don't you be sorry about that,
because maybe I'm shooting blanks, too, huh?
Maybe we're a couple of Hollywood stunt people,
just shooting blanks.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Carol,
I'm sure you're very fertile.
I mean, you have so many periods.
I do.
I'm the problem here.
You're never the problem.
I mean, you are the problem, sometimes,
but not in this, okay?
Listen, Skid,
I did not marry you so we could have a baby together.
I did the first time,
but not the second time, okay?
I married you 'cause I want to be with you.
You're the bee's knees.
You're the bee's knees,
and the femur, and the gastrocnemius,
and the whole bee leg region.
Why don't you come
over here and give me a little sting?
Little sting? Carol.
Okay, almost average size sting.
Thank you.
MIKE: Well, so then I was like, wait a second,
if this is the American flag,
then, I think I put my pants on that asteroid.
No!
(laughter)
It's so great being around people again. OTHERS: Aw.
It really is, sorry that..., I know that's...
ERICA: Oh, look, it's Skidmark.
Hello, Skidmark. (laughs)
How's that Skidmark.
Good morning, Phil, how are you?
Good morning.
How the heck did you sleep, bud?
Uh, out there?
Um, yeah, yeah, I mean, okay.
I think I'm just still on space time.
Oh. (others laughing)
CAROL: Mike, that's so funny.
Oh, wait, were you up in space?
Oh, I almost forgot because I hadn't heard you
mention it in, like, five seconds.
Burn.
Well, maybe some of the poop from your underwear
got stuck in your ears.
Burn.
You know what? I got something to show you.
No, no, Tandy, stop it.
Oh.
Now that's where my butt usually lays
against my underwear.
Look at that, huh?
Do you see anything?
There is nothing in here. You're right.
Look at this. You're right.
And you guys, I invite you to look at this as well.
No, we don't need to. No, Tandy.
Look at this, I'll rub it all over my face.
I'm comfortable with that,
'cause I know there's nothing on there. Yeah.
And I've been wearing these puppies for four days straight.
Oh, poor Carol. Ugh.
(stuttering) Give or take four days.
Well, that means five, huh?
(laughter)
Really loving this, yeah.
Me, too, actually.
Uh, look, hey,
I know we joke around and everything,
but it's really great to see you again.
I missed you so much, Phil.
Aw, geez, well, the feeling's mutual.
Come here.
That's so nice.
Oh, hey, I was thinking about having a little
bonfire down on the beach later today.
Why... n... why?
Uh, just a way to thank you guys for bringing me
in the fold so graciously, I just...
If you guys already have plans or something. No, let's all do it, right?
I was going to drink, could I drink there?
Not unless I drink everything first.
You better not.
Okay, well then, I'm going to go down
and start setting things up, all right? Right.
I will see you all on the flippity.
(clicks tongue)
"See you on the flippity."
Flippity, flippity, that's, uh, my thing.
GAIL: ♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪
I'm bringing a little wine to the bonfire.
I figure we can just burn this barrel after we tap it.
(barrel thuds) Oh.
Um, could we talk?
Yeah, sure.
I did not mean to hurt you.
You know, I was in a bad way after losing Gordon,
and doing such a suck job on Phil's appendix surgery.
I was kind of nosediving.
I get it.
I mean, Todd's a big teddy bear.
He's a big ol' beanbag chair.
Yeah, you just fall right into him. Yeah.
Sometimes, you can't even get back out.
Yeah, he's like quicksand.
The good kind.
Help! I'm drowning in Todd.
Help! I can't get out.
I don't want to get out.
No, I really did love him.
I know you did.
I really care about him, too.
Shall we get this party started?
ALL: Yeah!
(cheering)
Lucky shot.
You know, you wouldn't think it,
but your brother is a very gifted lover.
Well, it must have been all that practice
with the neighborhood dogs.
(laughs) Mike!
(gasps) You are incorrigible.
Carol, it's been an absolute delight getting to know you.
(squeals, laughs)
Just to be clear, uh, dibs.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Understood.
I've been dibbed.
I've never been dibbed.
Hey, Mike,
What's with the guitars, do you play?
Oh, um, I don't really play, no.
I mean, I noodle a little bit.
(laughing): A frigging guitar shark over here.
He took like, like, 20 years of lessons.
Wh... no, that's not true. What? It's so true.
No, I took two years of lessons
when I was, like, eight years old, that's all.
Well, play something, Mike. Yeah. Yeah.
You're playing into his hand.
This is exactly what he wants.
Oh, come on, Mike, Mike...
ALL: Mike, Mike, Mike...
Okay, all right, all right,
okay, okay.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
MIKE: Okay, all right, all right.
This one has, uh, special significance to me now.
♪ Ground control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Take your protein pills ♪
♪ And put your helmet on ♪
♪ This is Major Tom ♪
♪ To Ground Control ♪
♪ I'm stepping through the door ♪
♪ And I'm floating ♪
♪ In a most peculiar way ♪
♪ And the stars look very different ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ For here ♪
♪ Am I sitting in my tin can ♪
♪ Far above the world ♪
♪ Planet Earth is blue ♪
(crying): ♪ And there's nothing I can do... ♪
(crying)
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mike. MIKE: Being all alone.
Wow. Wow. Oh.
MELISSA: There's nothing you can do.
TODD: We've all been there.
MIKE: I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I just...
TODD: I know, we've all been there, man.
MIKE: It was all the feelings that came...
TODD: You just got to let it out.
CAROL: We're here for you, Mike.
(Mike crying) Friggin' Mike.
Hey, great pre-party last night, huh?
CAROL: Pre-party?
That was a party-party.
Well, maybe in the old world, but, uh, in the new world,
we all know what a real party can be, huh?
Don't worry, little brother,
I'll show you how it's done.
That's right, 'cause tonight,
I'm going to throw my own little soirée.
Star Amphitheater, 6:00.
And this party is BYOAR: Bring Your Own Ass Replacement.
'Cause your asses are going to be blown away.
New world rules, sky's the limit.
Not for me. (rocket sound)
Oh! (others laughing)
Yes, indeed.
You need to get some new material, space man,
'cause we don't have space for it, man.
Boom. Burn.
(sizzling) Oh.
Stove's on.
Stove's on, guys, watch out.
I made tea, sorry.
♪ ♪
(sniffling)
Oh, you just needed some milk.
Now you can take a little nap.
You can do it, little baby.
GAIL: Hey, Todd, got a sec, hon?
Uh, we want to talk to you about something.
Yeah, we talked,
and we think we want
to give this whole thing a go.
Ha, ha, very funny.
Friggin' Abbott and Costello, here.
No. No, seriously.
We're in.
Oh, my God.
O-okay, n-now, just t-to be clear,
we're talking about this, y... right?
But not this.
Just this.
Oh, just... yeah. Yeah, just this, just this.
Right.
Okay, well then,
let's make this official.
Melissa, Gail, make me the happiest man in the world.
Oh, uh-uh. What, are you frigging high?
Yeah, I, well, I got,
I got a little ahead of myself there, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Group hug?
Yeah, that's okay.
Yeah? Right on.
No harm in that. No.
Yeah, sure. (sighs)
Frigging no-show turds.
They don't show up.
Specific invitation, 6:00.
Said 6:00.
(laughter, chatter)
(whooping)
MIKE: Here we go. TODD: All right.
MIKE: Hey, look!
MIKE: It's Queef Richards of the Blowing Stones.
GAIL: Yeah! (laughter)
Well, where have you guys been?
CAROL: Mike threw a pre-party
and we got a little preoccupied.
I've been waiting here for, like, three hours.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
(laughter) ERICA: What do you guys think?
Should we go back to Mike's party? Yeah!
MIKE: Ah, we could. Wait, w-w-wait. (laughs)
I can't believe you guys fell for my old whiny, dweeb routine.
I was kidding.
Hey, okay, let's get this show on the road, huh?
Queef Richards, good one, bro.
(chatter)
I'm still getting used to this smoke machine,
but that is all right,
because I'm very used to the rock and roll machine.
Hello, Los Angeles!
Hey, this first one goes out to all the
survivors out there.
It's a little homage to my favorite BJ of all time.
MIKE: Brent Junkins?
(laughter)
(laughs) Oh, Mike, very funny.
No, an even better BJ than that,
Billy Joel.
Two, three, four...
♪ All alone, oh, my Lord, then you saw my billboards ♪
♪ You came to Tucson 'cause of me ♪
♪ I was Phil, now I'm Tandy ♪
♪ Met Carol at a camp ♪
♪ Melissa next, oh, what a champ ♪
♪ Todd, Gail, Erica ♪
♪ Then new Phil, rest in peace ♪
♪ Kicked out of Tucson ♪
♪ Found a group in Malibu ♪
♪ Pitbull's yacht blown away ♪
♪ What else do I have to say? ♪
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
Very funny, Mike.
♪ It was always burning ♪
♪ Till the world's been turning ♪
♪ We didn't start the virus ♪
Mike! Stop it, okay?
Look, this is my time.
You had your time yesterday.
Wh...I-I-I-I'm just screwing around,
having a little fun.
Look, we get it.
All right, you're cooler than me.
And smarter.
And funnier and more fun.
And you had a cooler job than me
and you got all the ladies.
Well, you're not perfect, Mike.
Okay, you got your faults.
Yeah, you're so vain.
Yeah, tell them about your nose job.
I didn't have a nose job.
I broke my nose and had to have surgery to fix it.
That's all he's talking about.
Well, it sounds like a nose job to me.
Yeah, well tomato, to-mah-to.
Or how about, how about your senior thesis, huh?
Perfect Mike here had to switch colleges
'cause he got busted for plagiarism.
Uh, yeah, no, th... th... that's true.
Not lyin' there.
And how about Nana?
Oh, my God.
Our grandmother was dying,
and our whole family was with her,
and this guy went on a kayaking trip.
Yeah, well, you know, uh, you're right.
No, I wasn't there.
Well, I was.
(grunts)
Okay, I think I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home. (overlapping chattering)
No, no, no, no. Hey, no, it's all right.
I'm okay, I'm, I'm, I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home. Burn.
Yeah. Good burn.
Looks like we're even now.
No, no, we're pretty far from even, bud.
What a square, huh? (laughs)
We're all circles, huh?
ERICA: I'm, I'm tired and it's time.
What? Don't let this sourpuss bring down the party.
ERICA: Yeah, that was all you, dude.
Where you going?
It's a frigging party.
CAROL: This is crazy.
You owe your brother an apology.
I owe him an apology?
He came all the way down from space
and you've been nothing but mean to him.
I welcomed him into my own home.
Stop lying to yourself.
Look, don't you see how lucky you are?
You are the only two people
in this entire world that have family.
Whatever problems you had in the past,
why don't you just leave it
in the old world where it belongs?
You're his big brother,
so why don't you start acting like it?
You're right.
He's my little brother.
He needs my guidance.
My ropes showing.
I'm going to go apologize to him first thing in the morning.
That's my Tandy.
(machine whooshing rhythmically)
What in heaven's name?
Mike.
MELISSA: All kinds of crazy. Yeah.
Everyone was like, oh, I want just the elliptical machine.
Mike?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Phil.
Know anything about, uh, this?
Hmm. Burn?
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
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Welcome to the toughest challenge of your life.
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just like they were military.
Let's go! Get down here now!
-John Cena hosts a team competition-- -ALL: Booyah!
where you're only as strong as your weakest link.
We would have been better off without you there.
-You give up-- -I'm-a stop this now.
You will be pushed!
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