The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 14 - Skidmark - full transcript
Phil finds out that his brother is alive and Todd has some issues with the ladies
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The Last Man On Earth.
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Knitters with Attitude.
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Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...
I can't believe I'm sterile.
I've been having sex all day
with both Melissa and Gail.
(moaning)
(moaning)
Before Phil died,
he told me
that he wanted you
to help be the father
to the baby.
You monster!
(yelling)
Look!
(grunts)
(all gasping)
(grunts)
You have the nerve to show
your face around here.
What is your problem,
you friggin' turd.
Oh, come on.
Don't play dumb
with me, you dong.
She was my frigging
girlfriend.
Whoa, hold on a second.
Are you talking
about Christine?
I come down from space,
after everyone in the
whole world has died,
and you're talking
about Christine?!
I'm talking about Christine.
She wasn't your girlfriend.
I loved her!
I called dibs
and you know it.
Stop!
Stop!
Sand!
I'm not hungry.
Eat some frigging sand.
No, no.
Eat it.
(spitting)
Eat it.
MIKE:
Let go of me, stop it.
I am sorry.
Phil, I'm sorry, okay?
I had no idea you were
still hanging on to this.
I am not hanging
on to anything.
For the last three years,
I have been stuck up there,
and all I have thought about
is you.
And now I'm here.
And we're together.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We're supposed
to be celebrating.
This is a miracle.
This is amazing.
Right?
(crying):
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(both crying)
Hey, guys,
this is my little
brother, Mike.
(crying):
It's nice meeting you guys.
MIKE: So then, once I got to
Tucson, I-I-I went straight
to Phil's apartment
and it actually
smelled pretty good,
so I knew this guy hadn't
been there in a while.
(laughter)
But I knew that if Phil
was going to stay in Tucson,
he probably would have
moved to Bonita Estates.
See, he had a real boner
for this Arena Football League
player.
You remember that?
What was his name?
He used to live there, wh...?
Brent Junkins.
Brent Junkins,
that's right.
Yeah, oh, man, he was obsessed.
He used to spy on him
from across the canyon
using those, those fancy,
uh, binoculars
and wearing that, that, that,
that crazy outfit.
What was that called?
A ghillie suit.
Ghillie suit, right.
Oh, it's disgusting.
It looked like a used mop.
Or a clean-looking suit.
CAROL: We've seen it.
Anyway, once I got there,
I, I found a note that said,
"We're in Malibu," right?
Melissa left that note for us.
Well, thank God you did,
'cause that's how
I ended up here.
Hey, we are so glad you did.
Uh, you know, I want to take
a moment to just, uh,
apologize to all you guys about
that stuff on the beach earlier.
Uh, you know, just so you all
know, there was this situation
between Mike and I where, uh,
I had liked this woman,
uh, quite a bit,
yes, and uh, then Mike, uh,
kind of, then went in,
and fooled around with her.
Uh, fully boned her,
if I'm not mistaken.
Is that, uh, would that be, uh,
the way to, uh,
to characterize that?
Well, I don't know
if I'd put it like that.
Oh, uh, uh, sorry.
Made love to?
Don't know if I'd
put it like that, either.
(laughs)
But, uh, you know,
somewhere in between, uh,
making love
and-and boning, yeah?
Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.
Anyway, you know,
I thought that I had been, uh,
pretty clear with my intentions,
but I, I guess not,
and that's, uh,
that's on me, of course.
And then, you know, uh, uh,
Mike uh, you know,
kind of cowardly went up into,
uh, space after that.
We didn't get a chance
to resolve that, uh,
but, uh, you know, thank God
you're, you're here now.
To resolved issues.
Hear, hear.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers, cheers,
cheers, cheers.
I want to hear more
about this space stuff.
Yeah, you know, I was mostly
there just to do research.
Yeah, but I... still, you went
to space, you know?
(all laughing)
Yeah, no, I did, but I mean,
so did chimps, right?
Huh?
(laughter)
Being modest.
You know,
and speaking of hairy animals,
what's with the beard,
Sasquatch?
It's, uh, just, uh...
Hey, I think
Tandy's beard is sexy.
Thank you, Carol.
And why is everybody
using your middle name?
Wh... uh, funny story,
tragic story.
You know,
I'm surprised that people
aren't calling you
by your nickname.
(laughs)
Well, that was, uh,
a long time ago.
And what was Tandy's nickname?
Nobody wants to know about that.
I don't know if I should,
I don't...
(all encouraging)
Skidmark.
(exclaiming, laughter)
Skidmark.
Skidmark.
Right?
Ah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, my underwear were
so clean they went
the other way with it.
Oh, yeah, that's why people
called you Skidmark, sure, yeah.
I'd appreciate it if we'd
refrain from using that.
You got it, Skidmark.
(laughter)
Uh-oh.
And so it begins.
You snuck it in there.
(feigns laugher)
Oh, God.
Listen, all that stuff
I said at the beach,
please, just forget I said it.
Yeah, you were all over
the place on that one.
Probably, you
should have told me
about Melissa privately.
And you know, the whole
"Big Love" thing,
that was maybe not
the best recovery.
No, I see that now.
Uh, big whiff.
Total misfire.
Just please know
how sorry I am.
You guys talking about
Todd's proposal?
Yup.
Yeah, no, I wa...
I was just telling Gail,
big whiff, total misfire.
You think?
Yeah.
All right,
see you later.
Just so you know,
I don't think I'm going to be up
for your four-way.
Yeah, I'm not getting
any takers on that, so...
Yeah, well, when you say,
"Will you marry me?" to someone,
and then the other person says,
"No, but do you want to be
in a four-way with me?"
I mean...
Yeah, no.
Big misfire, whiff.
Yeah.
(clattering)
See you around, Casanova.
Right on.
Well, we ran out of blankets,
but I was able to find
a towel in the hamper.
Oh, that's fine.
Yeah.
Thanks so much for understanding
the whole lodging situation.
You know, it would just be weird
for you to stay in Phil's room.
You know, it's kind
of a shrine right now.
Hey, I get it.
I don't want to muck
anything up, you know?
Yeah, and of course,
that couch is taken 'cause
Todd called dibs on
that a while back.
You know about dibs, right?
You know, when someone calls for
something, you can't have it?
Sure. Yeah.
Yeah.
You sure there's nowhere else
inside that I could sleep?
No, you know nothing
with a view of the stars,
at least.
You know, and since I know
how much you like to talk
about space and stuff
all the time,
I thought that, you know,
this would probably be
the best fit for you.
Yeah, night-night.
Burn.
Good night, Skidmark.
Good night.
CAROL:
Hey, there's my
sexy Skidmark.
Carol, please.
You must be
so happy that
your brother's here.
Oh, over the friggin' moon.
Well, it looks like
our family's already
growing, huh?
I always pictured it'd be
with a baby instead
of an adult man,
but, wow, God's plan,
you know?
I'm so sorry.
In all the excitement,
we never got a chance
to talk about my balls.
Now look, I know how
badly you wanted this.
I'm, I'm sorry that
I'm shooting blanks.
Na-huh. Don't you
be sorry about that,
because maybe I'm shooting
blanks, too, huh?
Maybe we're a couple of
Hollywood stunt people,
just shooting blanks.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Carol,
I'm sure you're
very fertile.
I mean, you have
so many periods.
I do.
I'm the problem here.
You're never the problem.
I mean, you are the
problem, sometimes,
but not in this, okay?
Listen, Skid,
I did not marry you so we
could have a baby together.
I did the first time,
but not the
second time, okay?
I married you 'cause
I want to be with you.
You're the bee's knees.
You're the bee's knees,
and the femur,
and the gastrocnemius,
and the whole
bee leg region.
Why don't you come
over here and give
me a little sting?
Little sting?
Carol.
Okay, almost
average size sting.
Thank you.
MIKE:
Well, so then I was like,
wait a second,
if this is the American flag,
then, I think I put my pants
on that asteroid.
No!
(laughter)
It's so great being
around people again.
OTHERS: Aw.
It really is, sorry that...,
I know that's...
ERICA:
Oh, look, it's Skidmark.
Hello, Skidmark.
(laughs)
How's that Skidmark.
Good morning, Phil,
how are you?
Good morning.
How the heck did you sleep, bud?
Uh, out there?
Um, yeah, yeah, I mean, okay.
I think I'm just still
on space time.
Oh.
(others laughing)
CAROL:
Mike, that's so funny.
Oh, wait, were you up in space?
Oh, I almost forgot
because I hadn't heard you
mention it in, like,
five seconds.
Burn.
Well, maybe some of the
poop from your underwear
got stuck in your ears.
Burn.
You know what?
I got something to show you.
No, no, Tandy, stop it.
Oh.
Now that's where
my butt usually lays
against my underwear.
Look at that, huh?
Do you see anything?
There is nothing in here.
You're right.
Look at this.
You're right.
And you guys, I invite you
to look at this as well.
No, we don't need to.
No, Tandy.
Look at this, I'll rub
it all over my face.
I'm comfortable with that,
'cause I know there's
nothing on there.
Yeah.
And I've been wearing these
puppies for four days straight.
Oh, poor Carol.
Ugh.
(stuttering)
Give or take four days.
Well, that means five, huh?
(laughter)
Really loving this, yeah.
Me, too, actually.
Uh, look, hey,
I know we joke around
and everything,
but it's really great
to see you again.
I missed you so much, Phil.
Aw, geez, well,
the feeling's mutual.
Come here.
That's so nice.
Oh, hey, I was thinking
about having a little
bonfire down on the
beach later today.
Why... n... why?
Uh, just a way to thank you
guys for bringing me
in the fold so graciously,
I just...
If you guys already
have plans or something.
No, let's all do it, right?
I was going to drink,
could I drink there?
Not unless I drink
everything first.
You better not.
Okay, well then,
I'm going to go down
and start setting
things up, all right?
Right.
I will see you all
on the flippity.
(clicks tongue)
"See you on the flippity."
Flippity, flippity,
that's, uh, my thing.
GAIL:
♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪
I'm bringing a little wine
to the bonfire.
I figure we can just burn
this barrel after we tap it.
(barrel thuds)
Oh.
Um, could we talk?
Yeah, sure.
I did not mean to hurt you.
You know, I was in a bad way
after losing Gordon,
and doing such a suck job
on Phil's appendix surgery.
I was kind of nosediving.
I get it.
I mean, Todd's a
big teddy bear.
He's a big ol' beanbag chair.
Yeah, you just fall
right into him.
Yeah.
Sometimes, you can't
even get back out.
Yeah, he's like quicksand.
The good kind.
Help! I'm drowning in Todd.
Help! I can't get out.
I don't want to get out.
No, I really did love him.
I know you did.
I really care about him, too.
Shall we get this party started?
ALL:
Yeah!
(cheering)
Lucky shot.
You know, you
wouldn't think it,
but your brother is
a very gifted lover.
Well, it must have been
all that practice
with the neighborhood dogs.
(laughs)
Mike!
(gasps)
You are incorrigible.
Carol, it's been an absolute
delight getting to know you.
(squeals, laughs)
Just to be clear, uh, dibs.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
Understood.
I've been dibbed.
I've never been dibbed.
Hey, Mike,
What's with the guitars,
do you play?
Oh, um, I don't
really play, no.
I mean, I noodle a little bit.
(laughing):
A frigging guitar
shark over here.
He took like, like,
20 years of lessons.
Wh... no, that's not true.
What? It's so true.
No, I took two years of lessons
when I was, like,
eight years old, that's all.
Well, play something, Mike.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're playing into his hand.
This is exactly what he wants.
Oh, come on, Mike, Mike...
ALL:
Mike, Mike, Mike...
Okay, all right, all right,
okay, okay.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
MIKE:
Okay, all right, all right.
This one has, uh, special
significance to me now.
♪ Ground control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Take your protein pills ♪
♪ And put your helmet on ♪
♪ This is Major Tom ♪
♪ To Ground Control ♪
♪ I'm stepping
through the door ♪
♪ And I'm floating ♪
♪ In a most peculiar way ♪
♪ And the stars
look very different ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ For here ♪
♪ Am I sitting in my tin can ♪
♪ Far above the world ♪
♪ Planet Earth is blue ♪
(crying):
♪ And there's nothing
I can do... ♪
(crying)
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mike.
MIKE: Being all alone.
Wow. Wow.
Oh.
MELISSA:
There's nothing you can do.
TODD: We've all been there.
MIKE:
I'm sorry, I don't know where
that came from. I just...
TODD:
I know, we've all
been there, man.
MIKE:
It was all the feelings
that came...
TODD:
You just got to let it out.
CAROL:
We're here for you, Mike.
(Mike crying)
Friggin' Mike.
Hey, great pre-party
last night, huh?
CAROL:
Pre-party?
That was a party-party.
Well, maybe in the old world,
but, uh, in the new world,
we all know what
a real party can be, huh?
Don't worry,
little brother,
I'll show you how it's done.
That's right, 'cause tonight,
I'm going to throw
my own little soirée.
Star Amphitheater, 6:00.
And this party is BYOAR:
Bring Your Own Ass Replacement.
'Cause your asses are going
to be blown away.
New world rules,
sky's the limit.
Not for me.
(rocket sound)
Oh!
(others laughing)
Yes, indeed.
You need to get some new
material, space man,
'cause we don't have
space for it, man.
Boom. Burn.
(sizzling)
Oh.
Stove's on.
Stove's on, guys, watch out.
I made tea, sorry.
♪ ♪
(sniffling)
Oh, you just needed some milk.
Now you can take a little nap.
You can do it, little baby.
GAIL:
Hey, Todd, got a sec, hon?
Uh, we want to talk
to you about something.
Yeah, we talked,
and we think we want
to give this whole thing a go.
Ha, ha, very funny.
Friggin'
Abbott and Costello, here.
No.
No, seriously.
We're in.
Oh, my God.
O-okay, n-now,
just t-to be clear,
we're talking about this,
y... right?
But not this.
Just this.
Oh, just... yeah.
Yeah, just this, just this.
Right.
Okay, well then,
let's make this official.
Melissa, Gail, make me the
happiest man in the world.
Oh, uh-uh.
What, are you frigging high?
Yeah, I, well, I got,
I got a little ahead
of myself there, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Group hug?
Yeah, that's okay.
Yeah? Right on.
No harm in that.
No.
Yeah, sure.
(sighs)
Frigging no-show turds.
They don't show up.
Specific invitation, 6:00.
Said 6:00.
(laughter, chatter)
(whooping)
MIKE: Here we go.
TODD: All right.
MIKE: Hey, look!
MIKE:
It's Queef Richards
of the Blowing Stones.
GAIL: Yeah!
(laughter)
Well, where have you guys been?
CAROL:
Mike threw a pre-party
and we got a little
preoccupied.
I've been waiting here for,
like, three hours.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
(laughter)
ERICA:
What do you guys think?
Should we go back
to Mike's party?
Yeah!
MIKE: Ah, we could.
Wait, w-w-wait. (laughs)
I can't believe you guys fell
for my old whiny, dweeb routine.
I was kidding.
Hey, okay, let's get this show
on the road, huh?
Queef Richards, good one, bro.
(chatter)
I'm still getting used
to this smoke machine,
but that is all right,
because I'm very used
to the rock and roll machine.
Hello, Los Angeles!
Hey, this first one
goes out to all the
survivors out there.
It's a little homage to my
favorite BJ of all time.
MIKE:
Brent Junkins?
(laughter)
(laughs)
Oh, Mike, very funny.
No, an even better BJ than that,
Billy Joel.
Two, three, four...
♪ All alone, oh, my Lord,
then you saw my billboards ♪
♪ You came to Tucson
'cause of me ♪
♪ I was Phil, now I'm Tandy ♪
♪ Met Carol at a camp ♪
♪ Melissa next,
oh, what a champ ♪
♪ Todd, Gail, Erica ♪
♪ Then new Phil, rest in peace ♪
♪ Kicked out of Tucson ♪
♪ Found a group in Malibu ♪
♪ Pitbull's yacht blown away ♪
♪ What else do I have to say? ♪
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
Very funny, Mike.
♪ It was always burning ♪
♪ Till the
world's been turning ♪
♪ We didn't start the virus ♪
Mike! Stop it, okay?
Look, this is my time.
You had your time yesterday.
Wh...I-I-I-I'm
just screwing around,
having a little fun.
Look, we get it.
All right,
you're cooler than me.
And smarter.
And funnier and more fun.
And you had
a cooler job than me
and you got all the ladies.
Well, you're not perfect, Mike.
Okay, you got your faults.
Yeah, you're so vain.
Yeah, tell them
about your nose job.
I didn't have a nose job.
I broke my nose and had
to have surgery to fix it.
That's all he's talking about.
Well, it sounds like
a nose job to me.
Yeah, well tomato, to-mah-to.
Or how about, how about your
senior thesis, huh?
Perfect Mike here
had to switch colleges
'cause he got busted
for plagiarism.
Uh, yeah, no, th...
th... that's true.
Not lyin' there.
And how about Nana?
Oh, my God.
Our grandmother was dying,
and our whole family
was with her,
and this guy went
on a kayaking trip.
Yeah, well, you know,
uh, you're right.
No, I wasn't there.
Well, I was.
(grunts)
Okay, I think
I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home.
(overlapping chattering)
No, no, no, no.
Hey, no, it's all right.
I'm okay, I'm, I'm,
I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home.
Burn.
Yeah. Good burn.
Looks like we're even now.
No, no, we're pretty far
from even, bud.
What a square, huh?
(laughs)
We're all circles, huh?
ERICA:
I'm, I'm tired and it's time.
What? Don't let this sourpuss
bring down the party.
ERICA: Yeah, that was
all you, dude.
Where you going?
It's a frigging party.
CAROL: This is crazy.
You owe your
brother an apology.
I owe him an apology?
He came all the way
down from space
and you've been nothing
but mean to him.
I welcomed him
into my own home.
Stop lying to yourself.
Look, don't you see
how lucky you are?
You are the
only two people
in this entire world
that have family.
Whatever problems
you had in the past,
why don't you
just leave it
in the old world
where it belongs?
You're his big brother,
so why don't you
start acting like it?
You're right.
He's my little brother.
He needs my guidance.
My ropes showing.
I'm going to go apologize to him
first thing in the morning.
That's my Tandy.
(machine whooshing rhythmically)
What in heaven's name?
Mike.
MELISSA: All kinds of crazy.
Yeah.
Everyone was like, oh, I want
just the elliptical machine.
Mike?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Phil.
Know anything about, uh, this?
Hmm. Burn?
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched The Last Man
On Earth.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
Welcome to the toughest
challenge of your life.
Four decorated heroes--
(trigger cocks,
gunshot)
will train 16 civilians--
-(horn blows)
-Whoo!
just like they were military.
Let's go!
Get down here now!
-John Cena hosts
a team competition--
-ALL: Booyah!
where you're only as strong
as your weakest link.
We would have been better off
without you there.
-You give up--
-I'm-a stop this now.
You will be pushed!
-you go home.
-WOMAN: No, no, no!
American Grit. April 14 on Fox.
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You're watching
The Last Man On Earth.
We were known as KWA,
Knitters with Attitude.
Catch all-new episodes Sunday.
And check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
The Grinder and Grandfathered.
I'm a grand--
I'm a grandfather?
Only on Fox.
Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...
I can't believe I'm sterile.
I've been having sex all day
with both Melissa and Gail.
(moaning)
(moaning)
Before Phil died,
he told me
that he wanted you
to help be the father
to the baby.
You monster!
(yelling)
Look!
(grunts)
(all gasping)
(grunts)
You have the nerve to show
your face around here.
What is your problem,
you friggin' turd.
Oh, come on.
Don't play dumb
with me, you dong.
She was my frigging
girlfriend.
Whoa, hold on a second.
Are you talking
about Christine?
I come down from space,
after everyone in the
whole world has died,
and you're talking
about Christine?!
I'm talking about Christine.
She wasn't your girlfriend.
I loved her!
I called dibs
and you know it.
Stop!
Stop!
Sand!
I'm not hungry.
Eat some frigging sand.
No, no.
Eat it.
(spitting)
Eat it.
MIKE:
Let go of me, stop it.
I am sorry.
Phil, I'm sorry, okay?
I had no idea you were
still hanging on to this.
I am not hanging
on to anything.
For the last three years,
I have been stuck up there,
and all I have thought about
is you.
And now I'm here.
And we're together.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We're supposed
to be celebrating.
This is a miracle.
This is amazing.
Right?
(crying):
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(both crying)
Hey, guys,
this is my little
brother, Mike.
(crying):
It's nice meeting you guys.
MIKE: So then, once I got to
Tucson, I-I-I went straight
to Phil's apartment
and it actually
smelled pretty good,
so I knew this guy hadn't
been there in a while.
(laughter)
But I knew that if Phil
was going to stay in Tucson,
he probably would have
moved to Bonita Estates.
See, he had a real boner
for this Arena Football League
player.
You remember that?
What was his name?
He used to live there, wh...?
Brent Junkins.
Brent Junkins,
that's right.
Yeah, oh, man, he was obsessed.
He used to spy on him
from across the canyon
using those, those fancy,
uh, binoculars
and wearing that, that, that,
that crazy outfit.
What was that called?
A ghillie suit.
Ghillie suit, right.
Oh, it's disgusting.
It looked like a used mop.
Or a clean-looking suit.
CAROL: We've seen it.
Anyway, once I got there,
I, I found a note that said,
"We're in Malibu," right?
Melissa left that note for us.
Well, thank God you did,
'cause that's how
I ended up here.
Hey, we are so glad you did.
Uh, you know, I want to take
a moment to just, uh,
apologize to all you guys about
that stuff on the beach earlier.
Uh, you know, just so you all
know, there was this situation
between Mike and I where, uh,
I had liked this woman,
uh, quite a bit,
yes, and uh, then Mike, uh,
kind of, then went in,
and fooled around with her.
Uh, fully boned her,
if I'm not mistaken.
Is that, uh, would that be, uh,
the way to, uh,
to characterize that?
Well, I don't know
if I'd put it like that.
Oh, uh, uh, sorry.
Made love to?
Don't know if I'd
put it like that, either.
(laughs)
But, uh, you know,
somewhere in between, uh,
making love
and-and boning, yeah?
Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.
Anyway, you know,
I thought that I had been, uh,
pretty clear with my intentions,
but I, I guess not,
and that's, uh,
that's on me, of course.
And then, you know, uh, uh,
Mike uh, you know,
kind of cowardly went up into,
uh, space after that.
We didn't get a chance
to resolve that, uh,
but, uh, you know, thank God
you're, you're here now.
To resolved issues.
Hear, hear.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers, cheers,
cheers, cheers.
I want to hear more
about this space stuff.
Yeah, you know, I was mostly
there just to do research.
Yeah, but I... still, you went
to space, you know?
(all laughing)
Yeah, no, I did, but I mean,
so did chimps, right?
Huh?
(laughter)
Being modest.
You know,
and speaking of hairy animals,
what's with the beard,
Sasquatch?
It's, uh, just, uh...
Hey, I think
Tandy's beard is sexy.
Thank you, Carol.
And why is everybody
using your middle name?
Wh... uh, funny story,
tragic story.
You know,
I'm surprised that people
aren't calling you
by your nickname.
(laughs)
Well, that was, uh,
a long time ago.
And what was Tandy's nickname?
Nobody wants to know about that.
I don't know if I should,
I don't...
(all encouraging)
Skidmark.
(exclaiming, laughter)
Skidmark.
Skidmark.
Right?
Ah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, my underwear were
so clean they went
the other way with it.
Oh, yeah, that's why people
called you Skidmark, sure, yeah.
I'd appreciate it if we'd
refrain from using that.
You got it, Skidmark.
(laughter)
Uh-oh.
And so it begins.
You snuck it in there.
(feigns laugher)
Oh, God.
Listen, all that stuff
I said at the beach,
please, just forget I said it.
Yeah, you were all over
the place on that one.
Probably, you
should have told me
about Melissa privately.
And you know, the whole
"Big Love" thing,
that was maybe not
the best recovery.
No, I see that now.
Uh, big whiff.
Total misfire.
Just please know
how sorry I am.
You guys talking about
Todd's proposal?
Yup.
Yeah, no, I wa...
I was just telling Gail,
big whiff, total misfire.
You think?
Yeah.
All right,
see you later.
Just so you know,
I don't think I'm going to be up
for your four-way.
Yeah, I'm not getting
any takers on that, so...
Yeah, well, when you say,
"Will you marry me?" to someone,
and then the other person says,
"No, but do you want to be
in a four-way with me?"
I mean...
Yeah, no.
Big misfire, whiff.
Yeah.
(clattering)
See you around, Casanova.
Right on.
Well, we ran out of blankets,
but I was able to find
a towel in the hamper.
Oh, that's fine.
Yeah.
Thanks so much for understanding
the whole lodging situation.
You know, it would just be weird
for you to stay in Phil's room.
You know, it's kind
of a shrine right now.
Hey, I get it.
I don't want to muck
anything up, you know?
Yeah, and of course,
that couch is taken 'cause
Todd called dibs on
that a while back.
You know about dibs, right?
You know, when someone calls for
something, you can't have it?
Sure. Yeah.
Yeah.
You sure there's nowhere else
inside that I could sleep?
No, you know nothing
with a view of the stars,
at least.
You know, and since I know
how much you like to talk
about space and stuff
all the time,
I thought that, you know,
this would probably be
the best fit for you.
Yeah, night-night.
Burn.
Good night, Skidmark.
Good night.
CAROL:
Hey, there's my
sexy Skidmark.
Carol, please.
You must be
so happy that
your brother's here.
Oh, over the friggin' moon.
Well, it looks like
our family's already
growing, huh?
I always pictured it'd be
with a baby instead
of an adult man,
but, wow, God's plan,
you know?
I'm so sorry.
In all the excitement,
we never got a chance
to talk about my balls.
Now look, I know how
badly you wanted this.
I'm, I'm sorry that
I'm shooting blanks.
Na-huh. Don't you
be sorry about that,
because maybe I'm shooting
blanks, too, huh?
Maybe we're a couple of
Hollywood stunt people,
just shooting blanks.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Carol,
I'm sure you're
very fertile.
I mean, you have
so many periods.
I do.
I'm the problem here.
You're never the problem.
I mean, you are the
problem, sometimes,
but not in this, okay?
Listen, Skid,
I did not marry you so we
could have a baby together.
I did the first time,
but not the
second time, okay?
I married you 'cause
I want to be with you.
You're the bee's knees.
You're the bee's knees,
and the femur,
and the gastrocnemius,
and the whole
bee leg region.
Why don't you come
over here and give
me a little sting?
Little sting?
Carol.
Okay, almost
average size sting.
Thank you.
MIKE:
Well, so then I was like,
wait a second,
if this is the American flag,
then, I think I put my pants
on that asteroid.
No!
(laughter)
It's so great being
around people again.
OTHERS: Aw.
It really is, sorry that...,
I know that's...
ERICA:
Oh, look, it's Skidmark.
Hello, Skidmark.
(laughs)
How's that Skidmark.
Good morning, Phil,
how are you?
Good morning.
How the heck did you sleep, bud?
Uh, out there?
Um, yeah, yeah, I mean, okay.
I think I'm just still
on space time.
Oh.
(others laughing)
CAROL:
Mike, that's so funny.
Oh, wait, were you up in space?
Oh, I almost forgot
because I hadn't heard you
mention it in, like,
five seconds.
Burn.
Well, maybe some of the
poop from your underwear
got stuck in your ears.
Burn.
You know what?
I got something to show you.
No, no, Tandy, stop it.
Oh.
Now that's where
my butt usually lays
against my underwear.
Look at that, huh?
Do you see anything?
There is nothing in here.
You're right.
Look at this.
You're right.
And you guys, I invite you
to look at this as well.
No, we don't need to.
No, Tandy.
Look at this, I'll rub
it all over my face.
I'm comfortable with that,
'cause I know there's
nothing on there.
Yeah.
And I've been wearing these
puppies for four days straight.
Oh, poor Carol.
Ugh.
(stuttering)
Give or take four days.
Well, that means five, huh?
(laughter)
Really loving this, yeah.
Me, too, actually.
Uh, look, hey,
I know we joke around
and everything,
but it's really great
to see you again.
I missed you so much, Phil.
Aw, geez, well,
the feeling's mutual.
Come here.
That's so nice.
Oh, hey, I was thinking
about having a little
bonfire down on the
beach later today.
Why... n... why?
Uh, just a way to thank you
guys for bringing me
in the fold so graciously,
I just...
If you guys already
have plans or something.
No, let's all do it, right?
I was going to drink,
could I drink there?
Not unless I drink
everything first.
You better not.
Okay, well then,
I'm going to go down
and start setting
things up, all right?
Right.
I will see you all
on the flippity.
(clicks tongue)
"See you on the flippity."
Flippity, flippity,
that's, uh, my thing.
GAIL:
♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪
I'm bringing a little wine
to the bonfire.
I figure we can just burn
this barrel after we tap it.
(barrel thuds)
Oh.
Um, could we talk?
Yeah, sure.
I did not mean to hurt you.
You know, I was in a bad way
after losing Gordon,
and doing such a suck job
on Phil's appendix surgery.
I was kind of nosediving.
I get it.
I mean, Todd's a
big teddy bear.
He's a big ol' beanbag chair.
Yeah, you just fall
right into him.
Yeah.
Sometimes, you can't
even get back out.
Yeah, he's like quicksand.
The good kind.
Help! I'm drowning in Todd.
Help! I can't get out.
I don't want to get out.
No, I really did love him.
I know you did.
I really care about him, too.
Shall we get this party started?
ALL:
Yeah!
(cheering)
Lucky shot.
You know, you
wouldn't think it,
but your brother is
a very gifted lover.
Well, it must have been
all that practice
with the neighborhood dogs.
(laughs)
Mike!
(gasps)
You are incorrigible.
Carol, it's been an absolute
delight getting to know you.
(squeals, laughs)
Just to be clear, uh, dibs.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
Understood.
I've been dibbed.
I've never been dibbed.
Hey, Mike,
What's with the guitars,
do you play?
Oh, um, I don't
really play, no.
I mean, I noodle a little bit.
(laughing):
A frigging guitar
shark over here.
He took like, like,
20 years of lessons.
Wh... no, that's not true.
What? It's so true.
No, I took two years of lessons
when I was, like,
eight years old, that's all.
Well, play something, Mike.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're playing into his hand.
This is exactly what he wants.
Oh, come on, Mike, Mike...
ALL:
Mike, Mike, Mike...
Okay, all right, all right,
okay, okay.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
MIKE:
Okay, all right, all right.
This one has, uh, special
significance to me now.
♪ Ground control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
♪ Take your protein pills ♪
♪ And put your helmet on ♪
♪ This is Major Tom ♪
♪ To Ground Control ♪
♪ I'm stepping
through the door ♪
♪ And I'm floating ♪
♪ In a most peculiar way ♪
♪ And the stars
look very different ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ For here ♪
♪ Am I sitting in my tin can ♪
♪ Far above the world ♪
♪ Planet Earth is blue ♪
(crying):
♪ And there's nothing
I can do... ♪
(crying)
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mike.
MIKE: Being all alone.
Wow. Wow.
Oh.
MELISSA:
There's nothing you can do.
TODD: We've all been there.
MIKE:
I'm sorry, I don't know where
that came from. I just...
TODD:
I know, we've all
been there, man.
MIKE:
It was all the feelings
that came...
TODD:
You just got to let it out.
CAROL:
We're here for you, Mike.
(Mike crying)
Friggin' Mike.
Hey, great pre-party
last night, huh?
CAROL:
Pre-party?
That was a party-party.
Well, maybe in the old world,
but, uh, in the new world,
we all know what
a real party can be, huh?
Don't worry,
little brother,
I'll show you how it's done.
That's right, 'cause tonight,
I'm going to throw
my own little soirée.
Star Amphitheater, 6:00.
And this party is BYOAR:
Bring Your Own Ass Replacement.
'Cause your asses are going
to be blown away.
New world rules,
sky's the limit.
Not for me.
(rocket sound)
Oh!
(others laughing)
Yes, indeed.
You need to get some new
material, space man,
'cause we don't have
space for it, man.
Boom. Burn.
(sizzling)
Oh.
Stove's on.
Stove's on, guys, watch out.
I made tea, sorry.
♪ ♪
(sniffling)
Oh, you just needed some milk.
Now you can take a little nap.
You can do it, little baby.
GAIL:
Hey, Todd, got a sec, hon?
Uh, we want to talk
to you about something.
Yeah, we talked,
and we think we want
to give this whole thing a go.
Ha, ha, very funny.
Friggin'
Abbott and Costello, here.
No.
No, seriously.
We're in.
Oh, my God.
O-okay, n-now,
just t-to be clear,
we're talking about this,
y... right?
But not this.
Just this.
Oh, just... yeah.
Yeah, just this, just this.
Right.
Okay, well then,
let's make this official.
Melissa, Gail, make me the
happiest man in the world.
Oh, uh-uh.
What, are you frigging high?
Yeah, I, well, I got,
I got a little ahead
of myself there, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Group hug?
Yeah, that's okay.
Yeah? Right on.
No harm in that.
No.
Yeah, sure.
(sighs)
Frigging no-show turds.
They don't show up.
Specific invitation, 6:00.
Said 6:00.
(laughter, chatter)
(whooping)
MIKE: Here we go.
TODD: All right.
MIKE: Hey, look!
MIKE:
It's Queef Richards
of the Blowing Stones.
GAIL: Yeah!
(laughter)
Well, where have you guys been?
CAROL:
Mike threw a pre-party
and we got a little
preoccupied.
I've been waiting here for,
like, three hours.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
(laughter)
ERICA:
What do you guys think?
Should we go back
to Mike's party?
Yeah!
MIKE: Ah, we could.
Wait, w-w-wait. (laughs)
I can't believe you guys fell
for my old whiny, dweeb routine.
I was kidding.
Hey, okay, let's get this show
on the road, huh?
Queef Richards, good one, bro.
(chatter)
I'm still getting used
to this smoke machine,
but that is all right,
because I'm very used
to the rock and roll machine.
Hello, Los Angeles!
Hey, this first one
goes out to all the
survivors out there.
It's a little homage to my
favorite BJ of all time.
MIKE:
Brent Junkins?
(laughter)
(laughs)
Oh, Mike, very funny.
No, an even better BJ than that,
Billy Joel.
Two, three, four...
♪ All alone, oh, my Lord,
then you saw my billboards ♪
♪ You came to Tucson
'cause of me ♪
♪ I was Phil, now I'm Tandy ♪
♪ Met Carol at a camp ♪
♪ Melissa next,
oh, what a champ ♪
♪ Todd, Gail, Erica ♪
♪ Then new Phil, rest in peace ♪
♪ Kicked out of Tucson ♪
♪ Found a group in Malibu ♪
♪ Pitbull's yacht blown away ♪
♪ What else do I have to say? ♪
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
Very funny, Mike.
♪ It was always burning ♪
♪ Till the
world's been turning ♪
♪ We didn't start the virus ♪
Mike! Stop it, okay?
Look, this is my time.
You had your time yesterday.
Wh...I-I-I-I'm
just screwing around,
having a little fun.
Look, we get it.
All right,
you're cooler than me.
And smarter.
And funnier and more fun.
And you had
a cooler job than me
and you got all the ladies.
Well, you're not perfect, Mike.
Okay, you got your faults.
Yeah, you're so vain.
Yeah, tell them
about your nose job.
I didn't have a nose job.
I broke my nose and had
to have surgery to fix it.
That's all he's talking about.
Well, it sounds like
a nose job to me.
Yeah, well tomato, to-mah-to.
Or how about, how about your
senior thesis, huh?
Perfect Mike here
had to switch colleges
'cause he got busted
for plagiarism.
Uh, yeah, no, th...
th... that's true.
Not lyin' there.
And how about Nana?
Oh, my God.
Our grandmother was dying,
and our whole family
was with her,
and this guy went
on a kayaking trip.
Yeah, well, you know,
uh, you're right.
No, I wasn't there.
Well, I was.
(grunts)
Okay, I think
I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home.
(overlapping chattering)
No, no, no, no.
Hey, no, it's all right.
I'm okay, I'm, I'm,
I'm going to go home.
I'm going to go home.
Burn.
Yeah. Good burn.
Looks like we're even now.
No, no, we're pretty far
from even, bud.
What a square, huh?
(laughs)
We're all circles, huh?
ERICA:
I'm, I'm tired and it's time.
What? Don't let this sourpuss
bring down the party.
ERICA: Yeah, that was
all you, dude.
Where you going?
It's a frigging party.
CAROL: This is crazy.
You owe your
brother an apology.
I owe him an apology?
He came all the way
down from space
and you've been nothing
but mean to him.
I welcomed him
into my own home.
Stop lying to yourself.
Look, don't you see
how lucky you are?
You are the
only two people
in this entire world
that have family.
Whatever problems
you had in the past,
why don't you
just leave it
in the old world
where it belongs?
You're his big brother,
so why don't you
start acting like it?
You're right.
He's my little brother.
He needs my guidance.
My ropes showing.
I'm going to go apologize to him
first thing in the morning.
That's my Tandy.
(machine whooshing rhythmically)
What in heaven's name?
Mike.
MELISSA: All kinds of crazy.
Yeah.
Everyone was like, oh, I want
just the elliptical machine.
Mike?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Phil.
Know anything about, uh, this?
Hmm. Burn?
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched The Last Man
On Earth.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
Welcome to the toughest
challenge of your life.
Four decorated heroes--
(trigger cocks,
gunshot)
will train 16 civilians--
-(horn blows)
-Whoo!
just like they were military.
Let's go!
Get down here now!
-John Cena hosts
a team competition--
-ALL: Booyah!
where you're only as strong
as your weakest link.
We would have been better off
without you there.
-You give up--
-I'm-a stop this now.
You will be pushed!
-you go home.
-WOMAN: No, no, no!
American Grit. April 14 on Fox.