The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 13 - Fish in the Dish - full transcript

Phil worries he might be sterile, and Todd worries when all the women in the group come on to him.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

TANDY: You're having sex
with Gail and Melissa.

You dirty dog.

How long were
you and Phil trying

before you got pregnant?

Tandy and I have been
trying for, like,

I don't know,
six months now?

Six months?
That long?

We're not pregnant.

Don't worry, everything's
gonna be all right.


Hey, Tandy?

What are you doing?

Oh, just honing my game.

Tandy, I need you to do
something for me today.

Okay, what do you got?

I need you to masturbate.

Way ahead of you.
Yeah, check it off the list.

What else you got?

Oh, no, I need you
to do it again.

Again, way ahead of you.

No, th-this is different.

No, it's just I was reading up
on fertility issues.

And I think we should

check your sperm motility.

So I went to the store

and I got a male fertility test.


Well, you know,

it's been a while

and we're not pregnant yet.

What's the rush?
It'll happen when it happens.

Well, I mean, look at Phil,
okay-- he's dead!

One day you're here,
the next you're not.

And I want to get your goods
before you croak.

Yeah, you're right...
Having a family's important.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay, great.

I know it's kind of
a weird request.

Do you think you could
handle the pressure?

Care Bear, I've been practicing
for this test my whole life.

I won't let you down.



Ah, well, at least
this isn't a Monet.

Oh, this is a Monet.

Okay, well, thanks
for the lotion, Gail.

Boy, were my forearms dry!

Damn it!

Damn it.

Hey, Todd.

Hey, I-I was just thanking Gail

for some lotion she gave me

for my forearms, yeah.

You probably heard me
talking about it

as I was leaving her room.

Real dry, my forearms.

Yeah, got a good coat
on them now, though.

Yeah, lotion.

What a godsend.

Uh, do you want to come
watch a movie with me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I'll be there in a minute.

I'll just give you
a little preview first.

Okay, yeah.

Great, yeah.

Nice trailer there.

Looking forward

to the feature-length
version of that.

You know, uh, sex.

Bring this weirdness
to the bedroom.


Oh, what are you doing?

Well, I'm just, uh,
cramming for the test.

You know how I feel
about pornography.

Carol, I'm not gonna go
into this situation unarmed.

I mean, it's too important.

Well, you will be armed.

I made you

a very special collection

of highly erotic
images of women.

But unlike the

male-centric trash you read,

these women are sexy because
they're highly intelligent,

accomplished, and-- as far
as we know-- unmolested.


I call it female en-porn-ment.


Well, I'm listening.

Uh, let me take a gander.

Yeah, sure.


(clears throat)



I'm a sexy CEO who did
not sleep my way to the top.

Got there by studying hard
and maintaining my focus.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And check out this
sexy lady judge.

That long black robe

covers every inch
of her body.

Except for the biggest
sexual organ she has--

her brain.

(sexy growl)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And look at this stunner.

The President
of the United States herself.

And behind her is
her First Lady Désirée.

They're lesbians.

Yeah, I caught that, yeah.

Well, shall I get to?

This will work.

Oh, well, not here!

I created a special
sexual area for you.

A performance zone,
if you will.

I call it
the Masturbatorium.


Are you feeling
turned on?

I'm feeling so
many things.

Billie Jean King.

Condi Rice.

And of course, the guy
who played Bud in Flipper.

Oh, no,
that's Janet Reno.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what's with

the, uh, babies?

Oh, well, this is just to keep
your eyes on the prize.


That's you

just fertilizing
the garden of life

with your seed.

Man, this room is a friggin'
roller coaster ride.

Isn't it fun?

Yeah. (laughs)

Okay, listen.

I'm gonna give you
some privacy.

All right?


Thank you.

Be strong.
Just say it.

Come on, Todd, you got this.

Be the ball, man.

Hey, Gail.

Hey, Todd.
How you doing?

I'm good. Look...

I think we need
to talk about us.

Yeah, right?

Good, yeah, I do.

Um, there's something
I've been wanting to tell you.

Oh, great, well, you know,

I'd like to start,
if you don't mind.

No, I'll go first.
That's fine.

You were such a lifesaver to me

through the whole
Phil nightmare.

I don't know how I would've
gotten through that without you.

Oh, well, you know, look, okay,
well, here-here's the thing.

No, there's something else.

I put Gordon away.

I don't need him anymore.

'Cause you, Todd,
you're my new dummy.

Your new-- the new du--

your new dummy?

Okay, so it-it sounds to me
like you're pr-pretty,

you know, into this whole,
uh, situation then.


Did you need to tell me
something, Todd?

No, no-nothing really.

Just a classic, you know,
ditto situation.

You're a ditto situation.


(both moaning)

Nice job, Todd.

Okay, got to go tell Melissa.

Melissa, we need to talk.

And I need to not talk.

Well, that's your prerogative.

I mean, talking is overrated.

Not always,
but in this case, yeah.

Damn it.

(both moaning)

It says here, when the
control line shows up,

the test is active.

And right on cue.

Okay, so now we just have
to wait for the bottom line

to tell us that your
sperm count is great.

Oh, she's a-coming.

(both chuckle)

Any minute now.


I'm sure it's fine.

Oh, please.

Carol, I know it is.

I mean, this dish
is full of fish.

Hey, hope I don't get
this test pregnant.


(both laughing)

Okay, give me that, uh...

Well, that can't be right.

But that would mean...


You know, I bet my sperm count
was too high for the test.

Yes, oh, definitely.

Probably broke the barrier.

What do we even know
about these things, anyway, huh?

Oh, "made in China."

They're probably calibrated
for Chinese sperm.


Oh, look, this one's expired!

Oh, check the other ones.

What, November 1, 2020.

August 23, 2021.


I knew it!

Never use an expired
fertility test.

That's the old saying.

But if it's faulty,

then why did
the control line show up?

Proves even more
how screwed up they are.

Look, why would a control line

show up on a test where
the fertility line doesn't?

Makes no sense.

Okay, okay.

If it makes you feel better,

I'm gonna throw Todd
into the equation.

Run his stuff
through the system,

and when we see he gets
negative results,

we'll know these things
are bogus.

You are so smart.

Hey, you said it, not me.

But yeah.


Oh, gosh dang it.

Look, just tell them the truth.

You dirty dog, you...

Having a little
one-on-one convo?

Talk-Talking to myself

a little bit.

Hey, Tandy, what-what's up?

Uh, just wondering
if you could, uh,

cut the Tandyman a quick slice

and perform
a little bro-to-bro solid.

Uh, more of a gelatinous
than a solid, really,

Yeah, I need a favor.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Could you, uh, masturbate

into this cup for me?


You don't, uh,

want to know what it's for?

No, if a friend needs semen,

he-he gets semen.

What's the time frame on this?

Now-ish? I mean, don't worry.

I'll turn around for you,
of course.

Yeah, I-I don't know.

It's just the well's
running a little dry.

I could give you pee.

Would pee help?

Not really a one-fluid-fits-all
situation here.

Afraid I gotta be specific
to semen on this one.

Look, can I level with you?

Hey, I'd be upset if you didn't.

Thanks, bud. It's just,
I've been having sex all day

with both Melissa and Gail.

I feel like a rolled-up
tube of toothpaste.

You dirty dog.

Man, I gotta come clean.

It's eating me up inside.

Okay, then come clean.

No! It's not that easy, man.

I don't want anybody
to get hurt.

They've all been
through so much already,

and I want them to feel safe.
Then don't come clean.

Then I'm the biggest bastard
on Earth.

Todd, stop it.

That title is reserved
for Erica's baby.


Could I get some help
with my crossword puzzle?

I'm a little stuck on 69 down.

I'll be there in a minute.

All right.

Give me that cup.

I'll try to get to it later.


There is no crossword puzzle.


I talked to Todd,
and he's on it.

Oh, good.

Hey, here's a questionnaire

that can help us figure out
why a person's count

might be under par.

Sure, fire away.

I think it'll be fun.

You know, like genital Mad Libs.


Um, have you smoked marijuana in
your life?

What do I look like, a narc?

Of course I have, Carol.

Come on, real cool person
you're talking to here.

Love grass,
love marijuana cigarettes.

You don't have to be
so proud of it.

(scoffs) Not proud,
just being honest.

Uh, have you ever had
an injury to the "gronn"?

And what's the gronn?

Your gronn.

Your gronn area.

Still a little unclear.

Like, "Oh, I pulled my gronn."

It's called a groin.

That's what I'm talking,
that's what they want to know.

You know,
my high school buddies and I,

we used to play a game
called "nut punch,"

where you would get under
and you would

sock the person in the nuts

when they weren't
paying attention.

Well, that's nutty.

(chuckles) Is that a boom?

That's a boom, sure, yeah.

Okay. Um, do you
overly masturbate?

Define "overly."

Yeah, I'm gonna mark that
as a yes.

Don't worry, Carol, okay?

I got the goods.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna head
back to the Masturbatorium

and deliver another round.

Hey, maybe focus
on Billie Jean King this time.

She had a way with balls.

Boom! (laughs)

I'm on fire.

♪ ♪

"Little left

in the tank for you, buddy."

Thanks, Todd.


See? I knew it.
Same thing as my test.

These things have turned.

♪ ♪

Gute Nacht,
das Sperminator!

Hi. You coming
to bed soon?

Uh, yeah, I-I'll be there,
uh, soon. Yeah.


Did Todd bring back
his test yet?


No, not yet.

Let's get some sleep.

Come on.

Now, I have filled this pool
with a bunch of DC--

and a little bit of rum--
but mainly DC.

Now, we all know what happens
when I introduce

these puppies
into the mix, right?

They're supposed to react
with the DC,

and then shoot up into the sky
like a rocket.

But this is what's currently
happening inside my testicles.


All right, yeah,
a real ho-hum situation.

Some general fizzing, but
that's not gonna make a baby.

But... with the proper focus,

we... can do... this.

Well, it is something like that.

You-you know. Just focus.

♪ ♪

Hey, Todd.

I'm here. Oh...

Oh, hey, Erica.

I'm not hiding.

Wh-What's up?
How-how you doing?

You know, still thinking
about Phil a lot.

Well, look, if you
need anything,

I-I'm here.

About that,

before Phil died,
he told me

that he wanted you to help be
the father to the baby.


Yeah. Phil always said

there was no one more
giving and kind than Todd,

and he always hoped
that our child would grow up

to be as genuine
and honest as you are.

I'm not as... wonderful

as everybody thinks
I am. (chuckles)

What are you talking about?
You're the best.


will you help me?


♪ ♪

I'd be honored.


Thank you, sweet Todd.

Thank you.

Anything you need.

I want you to feel
safe and happy and loved.

♪ ♪


(Todd screaming)


Aah, you're a monster!

What the hell
is wrong with you?!

How much women's saliva do you
need inside your mouth,

you freaking monster?!


♪ ♪

Damn it!



Well, if at first,
you don't succeed...

All right, got to buckle down,
eyes on the prize.

Thatcher, looks like
it's you and me on this one.

Don't look away from me.

Don't avert your eyes.

Oh, smiling at me with those
irresistible British teeth.

I don't like dentistry either.

Where'd you crash, Amelia?

Where'd you crash?! Don't
ask questions, just tell me!

You monster!

Destroyer of lives!


Hi, Janet. Hi, Janet.

Gonna name it after
all you guys, if it's a girl.

Turn it around!

Change course, you bastard!

Condoleezza, help me!

Help me!

I can't do it!

I have to!

I can't do it!

I have to!

(both screaming)

(both crying)

Can't believe I'm sterile.

I'm not gonna have a family.

I have to go tell Carol.

♪ ♪


I have to tell you something.

It's positive.


(both laughing)


CAROL: Oh, there's
my little love monkey.

Did you have a nice afternoon
delight sleep-tight?

What-what am I looking at here?

Oh, acupuncture.

Since we ruled you out--
thank goll,

you know, eliminated you
as the problem, hooray--

I decided I should
really step up my game.

And acupuncture's supposed
to be great for fertility.

Uh, aren't those
needles a little big?

Yes, they are thicker than
traditional acupuncture needles,

because they're
actually pushpins.

Are you sure about this?

Hey, look, it's fine.

I'm just sorry to put you
through all this.

A family's the one
thing we both want,

and I'm powerless
to make it happen,

and it's just really hard
not to feel guilty.

But the mind's a powerful thing,

and maybe we can
will it to happen.

Looks like you hit a little
gusher there, Carol.

That's how you know
it's working.

Carol, I have to tell
you something.
(knocking on door)

Hey, y'all, I was thinking
about going t...

Good Lord, Hellraiser,
what is that?

We're trying to have a baby.

You know what, I don't
want to know.

I don't want to know.

I just want to go to the beach

and wondered if anybody
wanted to join me.

Oh, I'd love to.

Don't want to take
'em out before we go?

They need five
minutes to set.

♪ ♪

Well, Tandy aced
his fertility test,

so now we all know the problem
lies with yours truly, so...

Look, I can't
take this anymore.

Carol, I have
to tell you something.

What is it?


Wait, is that Todd?

He's still in his khakis.

In his car keys?

Sorry, "kya-kis, kya-kis."

Okay, that's better.
Is that better?

Look, I-I have something
important to say.

Yeah, sorry, bud,
get in line.

TODD: Tandy, I have
to do this now, man.

Ugh, it'd better be

super freaking
important, dude.

It freaking is.

(clears throat)


...I've been hooking
up with Gail.

What the hell?

Uh, Gail...

I started re-hooking
up with Melissa.

You whore.

I'm not done just yet.

I kissed Erica.

I did not know that there was
a take-a-number situation.

Gail, I thought
you were my friend.

You were broken up.

I'm the one that's
being double-timed here.

Ladies, no, please, just...

Whether you believe me or not,
I did this for you.

I care about all of you
so much, really,

and I don't want
you to hurt.

I want to be
there for you.

For all of you.

And, damn it, I don't want
to do it behind your backs.

So, with
that in mind,

yeah, I mean... you know,
would it be so wrong

if... we were,

you know, I mean, uh,

all... together?

I mean,

you know, I-I mean,
not-not like a...

you know,
a Big Love situation.

You know?

But more of like a...

Big... Love...


Well, uh, looks
like I'm up.

Uh, that was super
gross, by the way.

Uh, Carol.

It's not you-- it's me.

Yeah, I-I... I didn't have
the balls to tell you this,

but... I don't have the
balls to have children.

Carol, I'm sterile.

Oh, my goll.

Please don't leave me...

No, look!

Holy farts.

♪ When I look so far away ♪

♪ Please don't wake me
from my daze ♪

♪ I'm just wondering
who I could be ♪

♪ If I lived inside my dreams ♪

♪ I could be a king
or a football star ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Drive around ♪

♪ In a big ♪

♪ Sports car ♪

♪ An astronaut
or a millionaire ♪

♪ I could do anything
and go anywhere. ♪

♪ ♪

(music fades out)

Uncle Stinky.

(dolphin chittering)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH