The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Raisin Balls and Wedding Bells - full transcript

Over a meal of ersatz meatballs made with raisins Phil agrees to marry Carol but the ceremony, with footballs and dummies as witnesses, almost fails to go ahead when Phil forgets the rings. This is rectified by a smash and grab at a jewellers, a wedding and a rather bizarre honeymoon night. As the days progress Phil gets used to his marital status and even starts to enjoy Carol's company - but then the lovely Melissa, literally, crashed into his life.

Previously on "The Last Man on Earth".

The fate of the human
race is depending on us.

Just say what you're trying to say.

Repopulation, you dumb donkey.

I'm not gonna have sex
with you unless we're married.

Fine. Will you marry me?

- Yes, I will!
- You will?

- Yes!
- Oh!

Do you, Carol, take me, Phil,

- to be your husband?
- Yes, I do.

And do you,

Phil, take me, Carol, to be your wife?


I do?


It's official.

We're married!

Aren't you excited?

It's a friggin' fairy tale.

Oh, Hardy har har, Phil.

What? I'm-I'm sorry. It's just...

I mean, this is so stupid.

I mean, why do we have to cling to

the old traditions, huh?

We're the last two people on earth.

No, we're not, silly.


Everyone's still dead.

Oh, thank God.

Knockety, knock, knock knock, knock!

Yeah, uh, heard the actual knocks, too.

Well, I'd say, "are you decent?"

But I know that you never are.

- Zing!
- Hee Hee Hee Hee.

Sorry to roast you so hard.

I made you a special meal

in honor of our wedding tomorrow.

Think you could clear off all
your dirty little magazines

for me so we could eat?

Uh... sure.

You know all these girls were molested.

So, Phil, I was thinking...

Since the President of
the United States is dead

and we're the last two people on earth,

one of us should probably be the
President of the United States.

Fine, Carol.

You be the President.

That is so sweet, but I could never.

I have a fear of public speaking.

Fine, Carol, I'm the President.

I don't know, we should
probably have a vote.

Okay, let's have a vote.

Like secret ballot?

Whatever you want.

I vote for you.

I vote for me, too.

Well, it's unanimous!

I don't think that's ever happened before.

Aren't you excited?

I'm so jazzed.

Now, I made you a very special dish.

It's spaghetti, but instead of meatballs,

it's Raisin Balls.


They look the same,

but they taste very different.

There's more here,

if you don't feel like you got enough.

No, that's... this is a good portion.

Do you want to know what they symbolize?



So I'm the kind of gal

who tries to make the best of things.

And since meatballs

will never, ever exist again,

I said, "Carol, get your hands up,

"grab some raisins,

and you smash them into a ball, girl."


Carol, are you really
gonna make us get married?

Do you want the earth to be littered

with dozens of bastard
children? Didn't think so.

You didn't give me time to answer that.

Phil, the wedding is happening,

so let's just make it nice.

Now, I'm taking care of

the whole shebang.

I just need you to do one thing for me.

I need you to get the rings.

That's it.

I'll get the rings.


I know we're not each other's soul mates...

Parentheses meatballs...

But if we give it a little effort,

perhaps we can make it work, huh?

Parentheses Raisin Balls.

So we might as well dig
in to the Raisin Balls...

Parentheses life... we've been given.


These don't...

These have turned.


- You might want to just eat around them.
- Yeah.

Thank you for the warning.

Now, take this walkie-talkie here

in case you need to

get ahold of me, or vice versa,

'cause I'm gonna be working like crazy

to pull this off.

You know what? We should do
a quick walkie check, I think.

Go for Carol.

Go for Carol.

Phil, go for me.

Go for Phil.

It works.

Okay, I'm gonna leave you alone,

'cause it's your last night as a free man.

Probably want to...

Masturbate to your magazines and such.

But I just want you to know...

I'm gonna make a really great wife.

I'm sure you will, Carol.


All right, Craftworks.

Let's plan a wedding.

Now this is a bachelor party, huh?

To the death of my single life.

Uh... oh, Gary!

Looks like you need a little heater there.

Let's see.

Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry!

♪ She's wearing my ring ♪

♪ Though not made of gold ♪

♪ It tells me she's mine ♪

♪ To have and hold ♪

♪ A little thin band ♪

♪ Her finger, left hand ♪

♪ A dime store wedding ring ♪

♪ It tells me our love ♪

♪ Is young and strong ♪

♪ That a love so sweet ♪

♪ Could never, never, never go wrong ♪

♪ Could never, never, never go wrong ♪

♪ Could never, never, never go wrong. ♪

That's how you get rid of lice.

Phil. Come in, Phil.

Go for Carol.

Phil, Carol here.

Go for Carol.

Come on, I know you can hear me.

Go for me.

Go for Carol. Go for Carol!

What, Carol?

Don't you mean "go for Phil"?

Go for Phil.

Did you get the wedding rings yet? Over.

Not yet.

Why not? Over.

I've been very busy, Carol.

Are you really busy, Phil? Be honest. Over.

I am very busy, Carol.

Busy burning wigs? Over.


I haven't seen you since we ended things.

Uh... you seeing anybody?

Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.

So I'm kind of on my bachelor party.

Uh, got the whole wolf pack here.

Yeah. Getting married.


I don't know if that's as emotional

for mannequins as it is
for humans, but, uh...

I thought that you should know.

Her name is Carol.

And she's definitely not the one.

I mean, she's the last woman
on the face of the earth,

so technically she's the one.

But she's not the one the one.

You know what I mean?


You're very special to me and...

I don't want to be that guy.

I don't want to be that guy.

Press "play" on the boom box!

And remember to smile.

Yep. Saw your note.

It's started!

- Can you hear it?
- Shh!

I'm waiting for my
entrance. I timed it out!

We are gathered here today

to join Philip Miller

and Carol Pilbasian in holy matrimony.


In getting to know the bride and groom,

I see great potential in this match.

Look into each other's eyes.

Really look into each other's eyes.

You both look great today,

in your wedding dress and your tuxedo.

Oh, it's okay.

Now it's time for the vows.

Instead of formal vows,

the bride and groom will
speak from the heart.

Carol, you're up first.

Phil Miller, thank you for marrying me.

Through this union,

we will hopefully be blessed

with bringing life and
promise to a new world.

For a new day will dawn,

and humankind will rise anew

because of what we're doing today.

Very nice, Carol.

Thank you.

Just beautiful.

Now it's the groom's turn. Phil?

But you told me all I had
to do was get the rings.

Oh, just speak from the heart.

- Okay.
- Yeah.



- Yes.
- Uh...

You seem like a good person.

- Thank you.
- We're gonna,

uh, be married, you know.

A... and?

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, I left a little
more space here for you,

so we'll just wait it out.

Phil, that was beautiful.

Now for the exchange of rings.

Rings are a symbol of
the eternity of marriage.

Oh, oh, shoot. They're not here.

Phil, do you have the rings?

Phil, did you even get them? Be honest.

Carol, I...

I'm not gonna

start this marriage out with a lie.

I got the rings.

- Phil.
- God.

Look me in the eyes.
Did you really get them?

I started the marriage out with a lie.

I did not get the rings.

That was your one job.

Carol Pilbasian, do you take

Phil Miller to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I can't do this.

- What?
- You can't buy me a Goldarn ring?

I'm trying so hard to

Raisin Ball the hell out of this ceremony,

but you are the worst. Just forget it.

Carol. Come on.

One job.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.


Look, I'm getting worried about you, okay?

I don't think you're in
there, but if you are,

just know I'm gonna break down your door.

And this is not out of
anger, this is out of concern.

Sorry, got a little too into it.

Is that eggplant?

Carol, come on,

please go for Phil.

Look, I know that you're upset,

but I just, I really want to talk to you.

Phil, I don't want to
talk to you right now.

I'm very busy.

Busy bedazzling pillows?

What are you doing here?


I came by 'cause I-I
wanted to say something.

- Well, I'm listening.
- Okay.

Carol, you drive me crazy.

You don't get my jokes.

You correct my grammar.

You talk and talk and talk

and talk, and you pester
me worse than my mother.

It really annoys me
when-when you do that stuff.

Oh, you are no picnic
yourself, Mr. Porn J...

Yes? Carol?


- Carol. Carol.
- Poopy-pool...

The third...

Not done yet.

Look... when I got home,

and you didn't come back,
I started to get worried.

Why were you worried?

Please, don't interrupt this, okay?

I realized that I'd rather

eat Raisin Balls...
Parentheses live in a world

in which I am challenged by your...



Than eat no balls at all...

Parentheses go back to living alone.

That's nice.

I know.

Phil, you were a real scrub today.

I know.

You know how I feel about scrubs.

You don't want no?



So, what do you say, you want to go home?


Wh-where are you going?

Little detour.

I have a little present for you.

No, you didn't.

Philip Miller,

a tiny sledgehammer?

- I love it.
- That's not the present.

It's not?


What's the present?

Mm, oh... that one.

And that one and those ones.

Oh, that one, too.


I now
pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.


Let her up for air, Phil.


Your presence is requested in the bedroom.



Yeah, let's see what...

Just focus on me, huh?

- Okay.
- Mmm.



Come on.

- Phil.
- What?

Just give yourself up to the process.

And don't worry,

I've been told that I'm
very, very good at this.

Oh, throw your sleeping bag down!

Phil, that's your camping spot!

You big camper!

You better put the food in the
trees before the bears get it.

Ah, you hear them coming?


Nicely done, Phil!

And here we go!


Oh, I'm famished.

After doing the nasty, I
need to have some beans.

Oh, you want some beans, babe?

- No. No, I don't want...
- No?

I'm just gonna... just...

Sit here and, you know, try to...

Figure out what just happened.


I actually have some
constructive criticisms for you.

You should talk more.

I like to hear what my man has to say.

Just get in there with
some sexual jibber-jabber.

It will be welcomed.

Carol, in all honesty, I think
we have different methods,

'cause I kind of like to church-mouse it.


What's that mouse doing in the church?


Oh, my God, I can't believe

I just had sex with the
President of the United States.

Phil Miller, what is going on in here?

Well, Carol, I'm playing racquetball, okay?

You have to know that this
is the kind of thing I do.

I assume you're gonna say you got to...

Go outside or go find an
official racquetball court,

but you just have to know
these things about me.

I want to play racquetball in my house.

And-and I'm afraid I have to demand it.

This is who I am!


Are you done?


I was just gonna ask if
you had a second racquet.

Go! Go!

Got it!

Oh, Phil!


I broke a vase!

Did I get a point for that?


Did you notice how silent I'm being?

Uh, yeah, I noticed. Thank you.

I'll just be your silent wife.


You sure this is safe?

You're fine, Carol.

It's a fireproof suit.

Here goes nothing.



So she's your ex-girlfriend, huh?


She's very pretty.

Yeah. She's not bad.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just gonna introduce myself.


I'm Phil Miller's new wife, Carol.

What's your name?


That's a nice name for a hussy!

Come on!

You should have just said
your name, you wouldn't...

- You should have said your name.
- None of this would be happening.

That's right! You tell everybody

that Phil Miller's off the market!

That's right!

You should have s...


She was being a real "B".

You know, Carol, I thought
this whole marriage thing

was just gonna be an absolute disaster.

But I got to say, it's surprisingly...


Yeah, totally bearable.

Yeah, I mean,

this is our destiny, maybe.

I think so.


- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.



Hello in there?

Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?
- Uh...