The Last Leg (2012–…): Season 15, Episode 9 - Episode #15.9 - full transcript

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

# These simple lines be good for
your health

# To keep them crime rhymes on the
shelf

# Live, love life like you just
don't care

# 5,000 leaders never scared

# Bring the noise, it's the moment
they feared

# Get up
Still a beautiful idea... #

CHEERING

Dress up nice, look in the mirror

and give yourself a
vote of confidence -

it's Friday, we're live,
and it's time for The Last Leg.



Tonight on the show,

we'll tell you how the Maybot
became the staybot,

have ourselves a stand-off
over Brexit,

and we'll reveal your nominations
for 2018's Dick of the Year.

Plus we'll be joined on the couch
by comedian Sue Perkins

and director Kathy Burke...

..on the show that always goes
above and beyond.

G'day! Hello!

Happy Christmas Jumper Day,
everyone!

Welcome to The Last Leg,

the show that was impressed that
Virgin Galactic took a rocket ship

to the edge of space this week,
but assumes the passengers had

to go the rest of the way on a
replacement bus service.

With me on the couch as always are
the man who was depicted like



this in the Radio Times this week,
Alex Brooker,

and the man who looked like this,
Josh Widdicombe.

If you're wondering,
we all looked like this.

That was the three of us together.

I've spent my whole life wanting to
be in the Christmas edition of

the Radio Times... Yup.

And now, it looks like Ed Sheeran,
Anton du Beke and Bluto from Popeye.

You look like you're being
sick in your mouth,

which is actually what you do
when you're drunk.

I've got a big issue with it. Yeah?

If you look at the hands, they've
managed to give me less fingers.

I've gone down to one!

It's very impressive that you're
holding the glass, though.

And my nose looks like
just one long penis.

The irony!

To be fair, though, there was also a
lovely photo of Josh

on the front cover.

It's good.
That's the first time I met Alex.

Thank you, by the way...
He's lost weight since.

Thank you, by the way,

to everyone who tweeted me about my
fractured ankle during the week.

Special thanks to one lady who
tweeted me a text conversation

she had with her sister that
looked like this.

LAUGHTER

A few issues with that,
looking at it.

Number one, 26% at 12.55 in the
afternoon.

You're in serious trouble.

Number two, this seems to be the
first text messages

she's ever exchanged with her
sister.

She may have just scrolled up to
that text message. She may have.

I've had a very interesting week.

We've had discussions about
this in the office.

It's weird when you've got,
you've fractured your good foot,

but you've also got a prosthetic,
and the main thing...

I can't really get on board with
either of these.

It's not weird for me.

The weirdest thing for me is if
I get up in the middle of the

night and need to go to the
bathroom,

it's such a faff to then put the
boot on my fractured foot and then

put the prosthetic on the other

that I've been sliding to the
toilet on my arse.

But you told us the other week that
you only wear a T-shirt to bed.

LAUGHTER

So are you, like, are you, like,

dragging your little
Harold Bishop along?

I've got an image of you, like,
you know when a dog's got worms?

It's kind of like that!

At four in the morning in my house,
it's kind of like that.

Just wear a wet suit!

It'll look like a scene from
Saving Private Ryan!

My wife bought me, like,

a plastic bottle to keep under the
bed that I could wee in and I was,

like, "No, there's more dignity in
dragging my arse across the carpet."

What were you worried, that you'd
piss in the bottle, forget,

wake up and go,
"Ooh, Victorian lemonade!"?

Can I ask a genuine question?
Yes.

Like, if I was in that position,
I would, like,

crawl, like a normal person would
crawl to get... Like a baby would.

Right. It's never the option.
That is never the option, is it?!

It is when one of your ankles
is fractured! Really? Yeah.

I quite like it down here.

As always, we will do our best to
answer your questions this week.

You can tweet 'em to us,

@TheLastLeg, use the
hashtag #isitok.

For example, is it OK this
brazen protester at the

Brexit Betrayal march last weekend
tried to set fire to an EU flag?

No.

Is it OK that due to EU regulations,

the flag was actually fire-resistant
and therefore didn't catch alight?

All right, let's get into the
big story, which, to be fair,

has changed about five
times this week.

In fact, the news has been so
erratic, Johnroy asked...

It has been a huge week in news.

Theresa May cancelled the vote on
Monday, went to Brussels on

Tuesday, and survived a
no-confidence vote on Wednesday.

I mean, it's not as good as
Craig David's 7 Days, is it?

Then she carried on
fucking up the country

on Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

She's not chilling on Sunday!

Here's the thing, this time last
week, we thought the big news

was going to be the meaningful vote
on Theresa May's EU deal.

We had scarves made! We had scarves!

Sorry. There you go.
We had scarves made.

Is it your throwing arm
you've fractured as well?

We'd made popcorn,
we'd cleared Tuesday in the diary,

we were going to watch the
meaningful vote,

but on Monday, Theresa May called
off the vote when she

realised she definitely
wasn't going to win it.

It turns out it wasn't as meaningful
as we thought it was going to be.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the
meaningful vote ghosted us.

Luke Cheetham said...

Now...
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

That's not how bets work. Also,
I love that that's his main concern.

LAUGHTER

We're edging towards a no deal,

which would be disastrous for the
economy, he's, like,

"Can't believe I'm not going to see
Adam or Josh dressed up as
Theresa May."

But on Tuesday, that was the biggest
concern of the week!

I mean, we did consider it.
By we, I mean I, but...

You could do it at the weekends in
your own private time,

Adam, I'm not going to stop you.

It's just hard to get to
the bathroom when you...

That will carry over to whenever
the vote is held, which,

at the moment,
looks like being January 14.

Timothy asked...

OK, so when Theresa May arrived to
meet Angela Merkel in Berlin

on Tuesday, this happened.

Is she getting out of it?
She's in the...

Oh... Can't get...

What? No. Come on,
you can do it, Theresa.

No... No, still not...

Just hit unlock. Come on.

Awkward.

THEY CHEER

Angela Merkel must have been
thinking, "Fuckin' hell."

It would have been so good if
she'd had to climb out the sunroof.

Or they just opened it and
she's snogging Jean-Chau...

I can't say Jean-Claude Juncker!

Turns out there was a camera inside
the car at that moment.

We have exclusive access to the
footage. Here's what was going on.

No! No! No! I don't want to!

No! No! No!

Can I just say that earlier,
you worried about saying

we had exclusive footage in case
people thought it was actually real.

As if Theresa May's Tuesday
wasn't bad enough, that night,

a vote of no confidence in her was
triggered when the chair of the

1922 Committee Graham Brady received
the required 48 letters

from Tory MPs.

Theresa May got the call from Brady
at 9.30pm Tuesday

and the vote was scheduled
for the next day.

I would love to have seen her face
when his name came up on her phone.

Cos if you know...

He's not calling about something
else, he's not going to call up and

go, "I'm just checking, is Philip
having a vegan meal at Christmas?"

And why did she answer?

She knows what it's going to be,
just don't answer,

just send a text back going,
"New phone, who dis?"

I reckon he definitely called off a
withheld number because Theresa May

strikes me as the sort of person who
always answers withheld numbers

because to her, I think ten minutes
talking to someone

about PPI is a relief from the calls
that she normally gets.

So on Wednesday, every news network
jumped into action.

Some were more prepared than others.

Sky's Adam Boulton was caught on
camera talking about his

breakfast at an unfortunate moment.

I'm fine for now, thanks.
I did buy some porridge, but it's...

Well, welcome back,
this is the Prime Minister...

LAUGHTER

later on Wednesday morning,

Ed Miliband tweeted
Theresa May to say...

The vote was held Wednesday night
and May won by 200 to 117,

which means she can't be challenged
for another 12 months now.

The thing is, the Tories,

basically, what they've kind of got
themselves into

is like a shit phone contract
for a year,

cos they can't upgrade,
they can't change it,

so basically their best hope is that
they lose Theresa May in the

back of an Uber and can claim
on the insurance.

It's hard to know how happy she was

to win that vote,
as Spay Flagerhausen -

that can't be a real name,
but I still like saying it -

Spay Flagerhausen said...

Piss off, Spay.

Who's definitely Adam.
I love Spay Flagerhausen.

The question is,
what now for Theresa May?

She's said that she won't contest
the next scheduled election

in 2022, but she didn't rule out

leading the party in a snap election
before then.

She wants to stay four more years?

What's happening in 2022 that's
going to make her go that's worse

than what she's going
through at the moment?

Has she got tickets to
the 2022 World Cup? Like...

I don't know why she wouldn't...
Oh, God... I want to know,

is she now going to extract revenge
on those who wronged her?

Is she going to find out who voted
against her and just

tick 'em off one by one?

She's going to have a list like Arya
Stark on Game Of Thrones, isn't she?

The obvious loser of the week
was Jacob Rees-Mogg,

whose European Research Group were
instrumental

in instigating the vote.

The man every American thinks every
English person looks like...

..then went on to publicly disparage
May in a variety of interviews,

including this one.

The message today to Theresa May
is that she has lost her moral

and political authority, even if
she's got a slightly bigger number.

Let's cut to the chase -
will the ERG,

will you support her Brexit deal
now?

Of course I won't. Her Brexit deal
is dreadful.

Will you resign the whip?

No, I'm not going to
resign the whip.

I'm a full-blown Tory and have been
for a very long time.

There was a moment there where
I honestly thought that

Jacob Rees-Mogg had had a moment of
clarity and was going to

admit that he's a full-blown twat.

Isn't Full-Blown Tory your
favourite porn film, Adam?

He's only been an MP
for eight years.

That's hardly full-blown.

If anything, he's a type-1 Tory.

By the way, I think all politicians
should describe themselves

in medical terms.
I want to hear Jeremy Corbyn saying,

"I am so far in Labour
I'm crowning."

A lot of people pointed out
Rees-Mogg's double standards,

though, as Terry Jones asked...

AUDIENCE MOAN AND MUTTER

Oh, the rules! People around
here went, "Ohhh!"

Oh, finally, a maths joke!

Kirsty asked...

Ah. Look, with everyone snapping at
Theresa May's kitten heels,

Boris Johnson seemed to spruce
himself up as his hair

went from this...

..to this smart crop...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

..which brought the Tory MP
James Cleverly to say,

"That's £7.50 he'll never get back."

It might have cost £7.50,
but he'll claim for 100.

I was disappointed when someone said
Boris Johnson's got a new haircut.

Yeah. It's just a short... I was...

We were all hoping corn rows,
weren't we?

Erm, how do you think Theresa May
handled this week?

I don't think it's been a great one.
No.

LAUGHTER

The thing with Theresa May is,
what I find incredible is that,

you when you have, like, a bad week
at work

and you always think yourself,
"Next week will be better"?

Every week for her seems to get
worse than the previous one.

She, basically,
every day for her is Monday morning.

Also, I don't think Jeremy Corbyn
had a particularly great one,

if we're being fair. I don't think
he challenged her enough... Mm-hm.

..which is probably going to prompt
a load of tweets of abuse to me

now, but... fuck it,
I don't read 'em.

Definitely not,
that's why you've brought 'em up!

Once again, though, let's highlight
what we're ignoring due to Brexit.

This week, a parliamentary committee
report found that support for

victims of sexual violence is at
crisis point, but, hey, let's

just brush that aside and get on
with the rest of the shenanigans.

Meanwhile, a Tory MP who had
his right to vote removed for

allegedly sending sexually explicit
text messages to constituents

had it reinstated this week so he
was able to vote.

Yesterday, the Prime Minister got
back to what she was doing on

Monday, which was trudging around
Brussels holding an

outstretched bowl saying,
"Please, sir, can I have some more?"

Things got a little tense, as this
clip of May and Jean-Claude Juncker

having a mummy-daddy argument
illustrates.

NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Er, not entirely sure what's going
on, but it doesn't look good.

I think she's... It's like they're
arguing and she's going,

"Die Hard IS a Christmas film."

It's amazingly shot.
Why is Martin Scorsese directing?

Well, I have a theory watching that,

cos the way the camera kind of zooms
in and then zooms...

I don't think it was done on
purpose, I think someone went,

"Oh, I wonder what
they're talking...

"Oh, shit! I might back away!"

It looks like they've both booked
the same table at a pub and

they're having an argument about it.

According to lip reading experts,
Theresa May said,

"You called me nebulous."

He said, "I called you fabulous."

I tell you, if somebody had gone
to me, "You're nebulous,"

I would have just been, like,
"Cheers."

I didn't know that nebulous was,
like, a bad...

I didn't know the word.

LAUGHTER

It's just, like, "I'm not sure about
this nebulous on my left nut."

But you know what it means now,
right?

Nope.

You still don't know what
nebulous means?

I assume it ain't good, judging by
Theresa May's reaction to it.

That's what's made her crack,
so it's got to be right.

Do you know what it means,
Hills? Yes, I do.

It means, erm... It's the name of
Jacob Rees-Mogg's fourth child.

It means hazy, like a cloud,
like vague,

like kind of wafty and not really...

And what he said was that her deal
was nebulous,

and that the UK, what they're
asking for is nebulous,

that they don't really know what
they're asking for.

That's why he said that.

One of the problems with you
explaining this is cos you've got

the scarf over it, it looks like
you're at a beauty pageant.

I would have loved it if...

And I would vote for you,
Adam, I think you're beautiful.

And nebulous.

I think it would have been great if
she said, "What does nebulous mean?"

and he just shot back,
"Nebulous means nebulous."

Erm, both the Prime Minister of
Luxembourg and Donald Tusk

today blamed Tory MPs for holding
up the Brexit process while

Brexiteers claimed that the EU was
trying to trap us into

staying and Theresa May is
in the middle,

trying to keep everyone happy,
which means it's time for

Another Brexit Analogy.

CHEERING

All righty...

OK, so imagine I'm Theresa May.

Right now, I'm in a stand-off with
the EU and my own MPs,

And I need you guys to come over.

Josh, you can go over there,
Alex, you can go over there.

Who am I, am I the EU or your own
MPs?

Erm, you can be the EU,
you can be the MPs. Oh, thank you.

I'm going to start with these,
so it's a bit of a stand-off cos

Theresa May is looking at the MPs,
which is you, and going, "Right..."

Whoa! What the f...?
If you don't vote for this...

If you don't vote for this,
there's a good chance...

Put your hands in the air.

No, all of them.

If you don't vote for this,
there's a good chance we're going to

crash out without a deal and you
don't want that.

She's also looking at the EU
saying, "If you don't help me,

"we're going to crash out without a
deal and YOU don't want that."

Now, MPs, who are you, are saying
that May needs to change the deal,

so they're pointing one at her,
and telling the EU they need to...

I'm not May!

Oh, right.

Yeah, one at each.

And the EU, who are over here,

are telling MPs, who are over there,
they have to accept the deal while

telling Theresa May there won't be
any changes.

Now the whole thing has become what
we call a Brexican stand-off...

MUSIC: The Good, The Bad
And The Ugly Theme

..as everyone waits to see who's
going to pull the trigger first.

Can I just say, Alex is really
struggling to hold both guns.

No. No...
No! No! Who's going to go first?

Oh!

SHOUTING

CHEERING

Take 'em down!

He can't move! He can't move!

Aaaaargh!

Can I just say... Yep.

No, you f...

Argh!

This is normally what I look like
at the end of a Friday!

This is... Can I just say...

You've heard this from me before,
but I think I've swallowed some.

Yes, Josh? It's in my eyes!

Have we... Shall we just admit we've
run out of ways to explain Brexit?

Yes, we have, but join me next week
when I'll do it using some

nipple clamps, a donkey and an iPad.

All right, let's welcome tonight's
guests.

They're two of the funniest,
smartest and most loved people

in the British
entertainment industry.

Please welcome comedian and
presenter Sue Perkins

and director Kathy Burke!

CHEERING

INDISTINCT GREETINGS

Oh, you're a gent.

I've lost a contact lens!

Do you want me to look for it?
LAUGHTER

Oh, where's it gone?

We've been backstage watching
Full-Blown Tory.

Oh, have you?
How is Full-Blown Tory?

Tag line, "Blue by name,
blue by nature."

Oh, man, that's slippy as...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's dangerous.

I'm an old lady.
I might break something.

There's a claim there, Kathy.
There is. I can sue Channel 4.

Now, you both tweeted about...
I mean, I've got a fractured ankle,

no-one thought whether that
was safe on that!

You both tweeted about the goings-on
in politics this week

in slightly different ways.
Sue, you wrote...

Whereas, Kathy, you tweeted...

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

I love it. Yeah. I could have saved
myself a lot of syllables, Kath.

What do you both make of this week
in politics? Oh, jeez. God.

Go on, Kathy first.

Well, I don't know, I mean,

it's been absolutely ludicrous and
I do call them self-serving wankers

because I'm fed up of people
like Rees-Mogg coming out

and saying, "Oh, well, now we
have to have a leadership contest."

It's like, fuck off.

We've got... There's so much
trouble going on,

it's just unbelievable what's
happening, and the whole thing

is happening because there
wasn't a plan in the first place.

I don't think you should call a
referendum unless you've got

some idea as to what you might do,

you know, if people did decide to
vote Leave, which they did,

but they just went ahead and the
arrogance of David Cameron,

"Oh, well, I'm going
to call a referendum,

"cos I said I would
in the election."

It's, like, nobody listens to you.

You just pretended that you
didn't say it.

Get the plan sorted out first
and then call a referendum. Sue?

I think you're absolutely right,
it's just, the whole thing,

I'm fed up with all of them.

You know, May just fired
slogans from the word go.

It was, like, Brexit means Brexit,
strong and stable Brexit,

red, white and blue Brexit,
unicorn Brexit,

have-your-cake-and-eat-it Brexit,
I Can't Believe It's Not Brexit.

What the fuck is Brexit?!
What is Brexit?!

And then you've got the
Labour Party that I love, going,

"Shh, don't say anything.
Keep quiet.

"Brexit can sense movement.
Let's just..."

It's like that old Natrel advert,
where you just melt into the wall

and hope no-one was looking, and
someone... There's a deadlock now.

There is no majority for this
deal in Parliament,

and something...
There needs to be...

The one thing I would say about
May is the biggest mistake she made,

when that referendum result came,
she didn't reach across the House

and go, "52, 48,
let's work together.

"It was a close call. Yes,
we're leaving, but let's all,

"across the party divides,

"try and do something that works for
everybody in this country."

And instead, it's red lines and
division and we're in this mess

and it's so bloody sad.

Look at where we're at,
fighting each other.

And the one thing we do know is,
this is going to go on for a while.

This is going to go on for a while.

The meaningful vote is now possibly
scheduled for January 14.

People are so over this.

One fatigued caller to
5 Live over the weekend sums up

the nation's attitude to
Brexit right now.

LAUGHTER

I mean, how do you think Theresa May
has handled this whole week?

Do you admire her?

Well, in the same way that I admire
shit on a shoe.

In that it endures and no amount of
using a twig on it

or power-hosing it will remove it.

So, her ability to cling on is
the stuff of legend.

And I don't wanted near me.

It's a weird one because
depending on who you talk to,

Theresa May is either stronger or
weaker because of this week's vote.

To her supporters, the Maybot has
morphed into the Ter-May-nator

and is now stronger,
angrier and definitely back.

However, to her detractors,
she's more like the Black Knight

from Monty Python And The Holy
Grail - virtually limbless

with blood spurting from her wounds
shouting, "It's just a scratch!"

Another way of saying it is this -
her supporters see her this way...

HARD ROCK MUSIC

..but Jacob Rees-Mogg
sees her like this...

FANFARE

LAUGHTER

Oh, by the way...

By the way, by the way, a few weeks
ago we said goodbye to our

Theresa May lookalike Anne here, not
knowing if we'd ever see her again.

Not only is she back,

there's now a good chance she may be
employed for the next 12 months.

A round of applause for Anne!

CHEERING

Here you go.
Lovely to see you back, Anne.

This may, however, be the last time

we see our Jacob Rees-Mogg
impersonator, though,

so James?
James, can you come out, please?

This is James, who has been playing
Jacob Rees-Mogg for us.

BOOING

Jacob Rees-Mogg's...
Boo! It's panto season!

Oh, it is panto season!
Where's Jacob Rees-Mogg?

AUDIENCE: He's behind you!
Well done.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said this week
he'd eat humble pie if less

than 100 votes were cast against
Theresa May.

Even though he got 117, pretty sure
most people think he should

still be eating humble pie,

so, Serjeant-in-Arms,
do your duty, please.

CHEERING

We'll have more Last Leg for you
after the break as we start

nominating our Dicks of the Year.

We'll see you very soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean...

You're a fighter. I'm going to be
honest.

We didn't realise how long it was
going to take to get changed.

Hi, welcome back to The Last Leg.
We are joined by Sue Perkins

and Kathy Burke.
That wasn't a dramatic walk on.

Literally almost didn't
make it back for the show.

It would have been so much more
dramatic if you'd pulled

yourself in on your arse,

Oh! I so should have.
What was I thinking?

I've still got... I've still got
shaving cream on my... All right.

It is time now to kick off our
annual search for

The Dick Of The Year.

We've already asked some of your
nominations earlier in the week.

Jason Pearson said...

Yes, Rees "Moggy" Mogg has made a
late charge and I can tell you he

is currently in the lead.

In the past our winners have been
Vladimir Putin, Nigel Farage,

Jeremy Hunt, the year 2016 itself,
and last year it was Donald Trump.

This will be our sixth Dick.

I just want them to keep that bit
for the highlights package.

Someone call The Fluffy Armadillo
asked...

Look, here's the thing.

Any year that Donald Trump is
president, he's probably going

to be voted Dick Of The Year so
next week we're going to

present him with his own special
award, thus taking him out of the

running and giving some other
wangers a chance.

This year we will present six
nominees,

three chosen by Josh, Alex and I,
three chosen by you, the viewer.

Do you have any suggestions as to
who you would put up as

Dick Of The Year?

Who do you reckon?

Well, I did think, what's his chops,
what was he called?

Phoenix Buchanan.

You know, the bad guy from
Paddington 2. Oh, right. OK.

He was a dick. He was a total dick.
Right. OK. Yeah.

Sue?
I'm going to go for double Dick.

I'm going to go for Christopher
Chope and Philip Davies who

both filibustered in the House of
Commons important legislation.

Chope, famously the upskirting bill.
And Philip Davies I think blocked

Caroline Lucas's bill about sex
education in schools and also

a gold standard bill about
protecting women against sexual
violence.

Good suggestions.

An absolute pair of plums.

You can tweet us your nominees...

CHEEING AND APPLAUSE

Use the hash tag...

First we are going to give
you ours.

I would like to start by nominating
Boris Johnson for being

shit at pretty much
everything this year.

He was such a bad Foreign Secretary
that Jeremy Hunt looked good in
comparison.

He bungled the case of Nazanin
Zaghari-Ratcliffe, the British woman
held in Iran.

He compared Muslim women in
burqas to letterboxes.

He resigned the day after toasting
Tory unity at Chequers and

since then has stirred the Brexit
pot from the sidelines

while trying to weasel his way
to the top job.

He is a worse Johnson than Johnson
& Johnson, and they have

just been accused of knowing there
was asbestos in baby powder.

That's why Boris Johnson is my
nominee for Dick Of The Year.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joshua? Joshua, who's yours?

Well, I would say the saddest moment
of the year was when we realised

that 100 years of Australian success
in sport has been built on cheating.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

And the reason it was sad was
when they were caught cheating it

was the day after our series had
finished.

So I wasn't going to talk to you
about it on the TV the

following Friday.

So I would like to nominate
Australian cricket captain

Steve Smith. There he is.

And the reason I'd like to nominate
him is not just that he was

the head of the team that cheated,
but also that I know he's

going to captain Australia to beat
us in the Ashes next year.

And I'm already pissed off about it.

If you want to get a taste of
Steve Smith's apology,

he did a kind of press
conference where he cried,

some would say, unconvincingly.

Any time you think about making a
questionable decision,

think about who you are affecting.

You are affecting your parents and

to see the way my old man has
been...

HE SOBS

And my mum. It hurts.

LAUGHTER

I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing.
He's crying but there's no tears.

I watched that and I just

thought, is it so hot in Australia
that your tears evaporate?

Who are you nominative for Dick
Of The Year, Alex?

My Dick Of The Year normally is very
consistent and it has been

since 2003.

And that's the woman that tries to
get on Alan Rickman's character in
Love Actually.

Right. OK. She's...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Out of order. But... Popular choice.
Yeah, but... Popular choice.

Astonishingly, that's the most
popular one we've had so far.

But apparently I've got to choose
one that's been a dick this year,
so my choice is

Thanos from Avengers: Infinity War.
Oh, dick, yeah.

And can I just say, before you see
that picture there, it's not a

glove thing.

And for those who've seen the film,
it's not a clicking fingers thing.

It's a genocide thing.
He's a bad knobhead.

The full list of nominees will be
announced at the end of the show.

The winner will be
revealed next week.

From one award ceremony to another,
though.

Kathy Burke tweeted this
week to say...

"Why am I never asked to host
the..."

I'm not going to repeat that
word. "..oscars?"

I think the clue is in the question.

Exactly.

And I got so many replies saying,
"Maybe it's because of your
language."

I was like, "Oh, my goodness."

Sometimes I just give up on the
old Twitter, you know.

I would... more than anything, would
like to see you host the Oscars.

Oh, yeah, I'd be great.

But I'd only want to do the first
ten minutes and the last ten
minutes.

Yeah. Right. Because the rest of it
is a bit boring.

We don't really give a shit about
sound and...

LAUGHTER

SHE MOUTHS

The organisers of the Academy Awards
said this week they may go

without a host next year after
comedian Kevin Hart pulled

out over homophobic jokes he had
made in the past.

Should he have stepped down,
do you think?

Stuff he said was terrible.
It was awful.

He said he was basically going to
beat his own son over the

head with a toy if he showed gay
tendencies.

But I think they've got to be
careful about scrutinising

everybody's Instagram or Twitter
feed.

That would discount everybody apart
from probably Prince George

and Sally Gunnell.

Either of whom would make amazing
hosts of the Oscars.

Claire asked...

- Yes, the New York Times yesterday were preparing an article about the rise in crime in Lon
- don.

They sent out a speculative
tweet asking...

Congratulations to every single
English person that

responded and took the piss
immediately.

Answers included...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And before we go to the break we've
had an ongoing interactive

discussion with a shopping centre on
the Isle of Man over the last

few weeks. That's a great sentence.
Who knew there'd be beef there?

It started with this

accidentally lewd polar bear
arrangement that they set up

a few weeks ago.

We said, "Maybe do something a bit
more appropriate."

So they then hemmed them in.
Like this.

Like a bunch of, do you know
what,

people escaping over the border into
America.

We then said, "You've got to do
something more creative."

Which led them to do this.

Last week then we said,

we upped the ante and said,

"This week we want a polar bear
pyramid." They tweeted back.

They have obliged but they seem to
have returned to the original

theme again.

It looks like... It looks like the
kids have walked in on Mum and Dad.

And the one on the right-hand side
is going, "just look at the angel.

"Just focus on the angel."

All right, Isle of Man,
we have one week left.

We have our Christmas show next
week. We have one more challenge.

We want a polar bear in the studio
next week. A model of a polar bear.

Sorry? A model of a polar bear.
Well, a real one if you've got one.

But one of those ones
will be fine.

Let's end our series next week with
one of the Isle of Man polar

bears in the studio.
Have you got the guts, Isle of Man?

Have you got the guts to do it?
If you see it on the way tweet us.

I don't know why I'm getting so
angry about this. Come on, Isle of
Man.

I'll take you on. Take you on, Isle
of Man.

Have you inhaled some of that
shaving foam? I think I might have.

We'll be back with more of The
Last Leg in a minute as we inch
closer to announcing

your Dick Of The Year nominees.

Tweet us... Use the hash tag...

We'll see you in a little bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Last Leg.

We're still joined by Sue Perkins
and Kathy Burke.

All right, let's briefly talk
about Donald Trump.

As his former lawyer was
jailed for...

KATHY: Oh, do we have to?
LAUGHTER

Fucking Trump.

Fucking arsehole.

Orange buffoon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no, no. This is much better than
what we had planned.

I'm more than happy for this to go
for another five minutes.

Trump's former lawyer was jailed
this week for lying to Congress

and for arranging illegal payments
to two women who claimed

to have had affairs with
the President.

John asked...

Yes, Google's chief executive was
quizzed by Congress this week

and was asked why images of Trump
appear when you search

the word "Idiot" on Google.

And he basically said, "Well,
if enough people associate

"the word with the image, it's going
to come up on your computer."

OK. I don't need to ask how you
feel about Donald Trump.

By the way, if you google
"Sex hobbit" -

Josh's face.

Every time. Just a quick question,
Sue - why did you google sex hobbit?

I was trying to get your number.

It is hard to say that Donald Trump
isn't an idiot when he sent

a tweet this week in which he
claimed "Democrats couldn't find

"a smocking gun..."

Yeah. Twice he mentioned a
"Smocking gun."

Yeah. There's nothing really
more to say, is there?

He's snorted a load of
smoke, I think.

PsychoSooz said...

This buff kangaroo named Roger
passed away this week,

and the world mourned his loss.

Hello. Ooh, hello.

Oh, look out. That's blown some wind
up my skirt!

I would. I would! Would you?

We just, on air, said we would
have sex

with a dead, buff kangaroo...

..and it's still not the worst thing
I've done. No, yeah.

Can I just say, Adam, I'm very sorry
that your Prime Minister has died.

I think that Roger the Kangaroo
sounds like something

that lonely Australians do.

Roger had 1.3 million Facebook and
Instagram followers.

And Hugh Jackman has already signed
on to play him

in the movie of his life.

It's called Skippy Balboa.

David Pierce asked...

This is the best story ever.
It's great, this story.

Yeah, a Russian TV channel
showed footage

of a technologically advanced AI
robot this week

that could sing and dance.

It was later found to be a human man
in a robot suit.

KATHY: No? SUE: Yeah.

Here's the clip. Have a look
at this.

You tell me if it looks like
a robot or a man.

ROBOT SPEAKS RUSSIAN

SUE: Yeah.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, they know how to get
their beat on.

Turns out it was a bloke. It was
just a bloke in a robot suit.

Apparently, they found out it was a
bloke when someone walked in

on him taking a shit.

It's just one up from those blokes
who dress as Yoda

outside the Tube, isn't it?

Funny you say that. During the
ad break, someone tweeted saying,

"Is it OK that Russia's robot
excused himself twice to take a
piss, and still no-one sussed?"

..fuck it up for you.

It's kind of a tricky story,
because for me,

either Russia has the technology
to interfere in US elections,

or they put a human in a robot suit.
It's possibly not both.

Look, now, normally we would show
you Josh's favourite clips

at the end of the show, but tonight
we're going to devote

the last segment of the show to our
Dick of the Year nominee,

so right now, here are Josh's best
of the last seven days.

What have you got?

Right, so Santa coming in on a
boat... Yep.

..to deliver some presents on a
lovely South African beach. Yep.

What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, as it turns out. Just a
bit of Christmas fun. Why not?

Would you like to see a moody dog
who's just been to the vets.

Yes. SUE AND KATHY: Yes!

Well, you can't, I haven't got
a clip.

Is you big mad or little mad?

Big mad or little mad?

I'm so, so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry!

Would you like to see a man
grappling unsuccessfully

with a pressure washer?

Yes, please. Yes.

We'll be back with more of
The Last Leg in a minute

as we unveil your nominees
for Dick of the Year.

We'll see you soon.

Welcome back to Last Leg.

We're still joined by
Sue Perkins and Kathy Burke.

Steve Briggs simply said,
"Don't Google sex hobbit."

A lot of people during the ad break
have done the same thing

and instantly regretted it.

I'm going to do it when I get home.

It is time now to reveal - and this
is what they are all playing for.

This is the trophy with the ball
bags for second and third.

It is time to reveal your nominees
for 2018's Dick of the Year.

Live from the paragon of
entertainment that
is Television Centre,

it's the 2018 Dick of the Year
nominations.

All day long the crowds have been
gathering to find out who

will be in the running for the
world's biggest dick.

SCREAMING
The stars are out tonight.

Look, there's celebrity couple
Jalex.

SCREAMING CONTINUES

And here comes Sue Perkins
and Kathy Burke.

But where's Adam?

Ah, here he is.

Now, let's start the show.

TO TUNE OF It's The Most Wonderful
Time Of The Year:

# It's the most memorable
dicks of the year

# We've come to the year's end

# So let's name the bellends
that filled us with cheer!

# They're the most memorable
dicks of the year. #

And now would you please
welcome your hosts,

Kathy Burke and Sue Perkins?

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, it's such a pleasure to be one
of the first woman to ever host

the Dick of the Year Awards.

Or as I like to call them,
the Dickies.

Ah, it is, Kathy.

And appropriately they'll probably
be a lot shorter

than we hoped they would be.

I like to treat my dicks like
I treat my awards.

I keep them in a table
beside my bed.

LAUGHTER

Now...
LAUGHTER

Good to know where to find them.

Good to know.

Just a reminder, Donald Trump will
be receiving his own lifetime
achievement award

next week which clears the way
for a whole new list of dicks.

So, the nominees for... There is
fucking chewing gum on here.

The nominees... That is filth!

..for 2018 Dick of the Year are...

Adam's choice -

Boris Johnson.

For being both a dick and a Johnson.

And we have Josh's choice,

Australian cricket captain
and ball fiddler Steve Smith.

For being a dick while allowing
someone to play with them balls.

And Alex's choice - Thanos,
from the Avengers film

for as Alex puts it...

Just being a bad knobhead.

And now we have the top three
audience choices. They are...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Piers Morgan.
APPLAUSE

Theresa May.
APPLAUSE STOPS

MIX OF BOOING AND APPLAUSE

And...

..Jacob Rees-Mogg.

You can tweet us now at the
Last Leg.

You can use the following
hash tags...

The voting is now officially...

..open!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all we've got time
for this week.

Would you please thank our guests?
Sue Perkins!

Kathy Burke!

And my co-hosts, Josh Widdicombe...
APPLAUSE

..and Alex Brooker.

We'll be back next week
as Rob Delaney, Sharon Horgan

and Roy Wood join us for
a Last Leg Christmas special.

Thanks for watching The Last Leg.
My name is Adam Hills.

See you next week for the next leg.
Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media