The Last Leg (2012–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - Episode #15.4 - full transcript

# What goes on, thank you for
letting us be ourselves

# So don't mind me if I repeat

# These simple lines be
good for your health

# To keep them crime rhymes
on the shelf

# Live, love life
like you just don't care

# 5,000 leaders never scared

# Bring the noise,
it's the moment they fear

# Get up, still a beautiful idea

# Get up, throw your hands in the

# Get up and show no fear... #


Close the blinds, settle down in
front of the TV and ask -

who the hell is still setting off

It's Friday, we're live, and it's
time for The Last Leg.


Tonight on the show, we study up on
American politics,

refresh our European geography, and
warm up for a bit of sport.

- Plus we'll be joined on the couch by comedian Russell Howard and actor Tamsin Greig..
- .

..on the show that sometimes disarms
the news.

Good day. Hello. I'm Adam Hills.
Welcome to The Last Leg,

the show that looks at the
news the way this unsuspecting

rugby fan was caught lovingly
looking at his pint.

# Gwlad, gwlad... #

With me on the couch as always are
the pride of Dartmoor, Josh
Widdicombe... Ah!

.. and a man who sweats more than a
CNN journalist at a House

press conference, Alex Brooker.


I'm not sure if it's worth that one
joke being Alex drunk now for

an hour.

Look, we will cover the big news
of the week in a sec,

but after thinking we'd talked all
we could about disability,

we discovered
something new last week.

None of us are disabled.

Normally, Alex is the sweatiest man
on the planet.

We actually have fights in our

because Alex insists on having the
temperature so low. Yeah.

But last week, when Alex's leg was
taken off during the show,

he actually stopped sweating -

which begs the question, does the
prosthetic foot make him hot?

According to some people,
sliding into my DMs, it does.


Sliding into your DMs?

Isn't that what your prosthetic leg
does, slide into your DMs?


Yeah, but, honestly, as soon
as the leg went,

it was like, I just cooled right
down. It was amazing.

So, now, do you take it off inside,

so that when you put it on
outside, you feel the benefit?


Is what we've discovered is that
Alex just finally understands what

clothes do?

We had a big discussion about
this in the office,

because I wear two socks under my

One is a normal everyday sock,
and one is kind of,

it's made of some cooling
fibre that actually keeps your

stump cool, and so, we were sitting
in the office talking about...

Oh, it was a great day. Fascinating!

Alex and I, as often happens,
sitting in a corner of the

office, stumps off, legs off,
you had your pants...

OK, this is... I took this photo.

This is what it looked like.

I took this photo, and what I love
the most about it is that Alex -

the way it's shot, Alex's hand looks
like a tiny little dick.


What I want to know is,

why did you tell me I had to be in
my pants just to look at my foot?

It was all part of the thing.

Look, what's weird is, cos I'm older
than Alex, and clearly,

I've spent longer without a foot,

I consider myself to be like your
disabled Mr Miyagi.

What, like, wax on, leg off?

And so,
what I'm going to do tonight,

because Alex is now wearing the sock
that I told him to wear,

to see if it lowers your body

I've got a thermal imaging camera,
to try and check out...

Can we, John, can you come in and
film this?

There we go. So I now have... This
is Alex.

You can see, he's about 30... Whoa!
What's going on there?


That's not right!


Whoa, Josh! Oh, it's paused.
It's paused.


It was so hot,
I've broken a thermal imager?

Predator would have found my nut...

Josh, pull your legs apart.


Whoa! It's dangerous down there.

You could genuinely,
you could cook an egg on that!

Well, we'll get back to... Winter is
coming. All gather round my cock!


Sorry. Thank you, Josh.

Wow! Oh, dear.


Could I just apologise? I didn't
really think I was going to say


As always, we will do our best to
answer your big questions this week.

And tweet your questions to us at
The Last Leg

and use the hashtag #IsItOk.

For example... Ah! What?
I've got an example this week.

Have you? Yeah. Go for it.
You always do these jokes.

I've watched them. OK. Yeah? Mhm.

Is it OK, for example... Yeah. it OK that Prince Charles said
if he becomes king, he won't meddle?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Is it OK, that means he'd just be
like an Australian Olympian,

cos they don't meddle either!



I tell you what.

Tell you what...
The temperature just rose in here.



All right, the news now.

Rin asked, "Is it OK, I'm waiting
for Friday and The Last Leg

"to explain what happened with the
US vote."

Now, the US mid-term elections were
this week, and much like the

Super Bowl, we know it's important,
but we're not quite sure why.

So for Rin and all the people who
tweeted us this week, let me

- American Congress is made up of two parts, the House of Representatives and the Senate
- .

Between them, they were intended to
provide a system of checks

and balances to ensure that a
power-hungry madman doesn't take
over the country.

Let me put it to you this way -

OK, I'm the host of the show.

The boss, if you like.


The world's worst boss.

But I shouldn't be allowed to do
whatever I want, right?

No, you shouldn't.
Which is why I didn't want to be in
my pants in the office.


So, to make sure that I don't just
do whatever the hell I want,

Josh and Alex are here to
keep me in check.

So imagine Josh is the House of
Representatives, and every

two years, you, the viewers,
decide if you still want him here.

Alex is like the Senate and
every six years,

you decide if you want HIM here.

Now, between...
How long have we been on? Six years?

Oh ho ho ho! I'm up for

So between them both, they stop me
enacting my ultimate will on

the show, which is a good thing.
It is a good thing.

Yeah, cos if they weren't there, our
opening titles would look like this.

# So finally, I've got the show to

# Those other two losers are back
on the shelf

# Less smutty talk and more from

# Less genitalia, more cricketing

# I'll tamper with the news like a
new delivery

# From Donald to Theresa, right
back to Hillary

# Like Crocodile Dundee with
political views

# I'm saying that's not the news -
this is the news. #


Do you know what?

I'm going to be honest with you.

When I was a kid,
I was in and out of hospital a lot.

I had countless operations.

I had a foot amputated.

And genuinely,
that then just made me sadder.


Biggie and Pac didn't die for that.

Whereas I enjoyed that clip so much,

I think I've got a
mid-term erection!

I don't think I'll get one again!

My point is, this is what the US
system is designed for.

It was designed to give the
President a couple of years, then
rebalance if necessary.

So, how did it play out this week?

Well, Donald Trump lost control of
the House of Representatives,

but increased his power in
the Senate.

Now, this means he can appoint
judges and justices,

but some of his legislation may be
blocked and the Democrats

could speed up
investigations into him.

So to use our analogy,
I've now fallen out with Josh,

but Alex really likes me.

A very wild analogy.


So how did the leader of the free
world deal with the result of

these elections? He gave a press
conference, during which he ran the
gamut of

emotions from sulky toddler to
defiant toddler,

to toddler who's been awake too
long and really needs changing.

The most remarkable part of this
press conference came when he

turned on CNN reporter Jim Acosta in
this confrontational exchange.

They're hundreds and hundreds of
miles away.

That's not an invasion... You know
what, I think you should, honestly,

I think you should let me run the
country, you run CNN. All right.

And if you did it well,
your ratings would be much better.

If I may ask one question.

Mr President,
if I may ask one as a question.

Are you worried...? That's enough.
That's enough. That's enough.

Can I ask one other...?
The other folks... That's enough.

Pardon me, ma'am, I'm...
Mr President... That's enough.

Put down the mic. Mr President,

are you worried about indictments
coming down in this investigation?

Mr President...

I tell you what,
CNN should be ashamed of itself,

having you working for them.

You are a rude, terrible person.

Go ahead, Peter.

In Jim's defence, I've travelled
with him in Washington.

He's a diligent reporter... Well,
I'm not a big fan of yours, either.


So, let me ask you a question,
if I can.

You repeatedly...
You aren't the best.

When you report fake news,
which CNN does a lot,

you are the enemy of the people.


He's like a substitute teacher who's
lost control of the class.

"I am going to call your mum and
she's going to come down here."

"You never did this for Mr Obama."


Also, he's got some front calling
someone a rude, terrible person!

It's remarkable to watch that,
and just remember,

that's the President of the
United States!

- Do you know what, you keep forgetting. You just go, oh, that's Donald Trump, that's the dic
- khead.

And then every now and then, you
go - no, that's the President.

It's the President. The House
has now revoked Acosta's

saying - and I quote -

"We will never tolerate a reporter
placing his hands on a young woman."

Which is kind of confusing, cos I'm
pretty sure, if you're famous,

you're allowed to grab them wherever
you want, aren't you?

Who was it that said that? I can't
remember. I can't remember. Someone.

I can't remember. The highlight of
the press conference for me was when

Trump said he was happy to work
together with the Democrats

now and when asked how he thought
that bipartisanship would go,

he replied,
"I'm better at it than they are."

This photo of the
President for election day,

though, suggests that he doesn't
even trust his wife to vote for him.


I actually don't think she's
even voting there.

I think she's just writing "help"
in big letters!

He's looking across at her like I
used to look at...

You know, the kids that would ask
for more paper half an hour

into an exam?

Well, he looks like he's at a
urinal, and he's worried about
who how big his is!


I mean, he might just be angry
because there's an immigrant voting.



Mark Jones tweeted,

"Is it OK for this to happen in more
than one US location?" and attached

this video of a somewhat unreliable
voting machine in Indiana.

That's not right.

It's mad. It's, like, you know,
those cashpoints where the buttons

don't quite line up with the screen.

Yeah. Like a quiz machine in a pub.
Yes. It's unbelievable, isn't it?

There were also massive queues in in
tied states like Georgia

after voting machines mysteriously
broke down when a whole bunch

of men in white hoods accidentally
set fire to them all.

One machine was out of action...

One machine went out of action cos
the batteries run out.

What? So just go, "I'm not taking
them out of the TV remote. No way!"


Someone just going, "Just take them
out and roll them in your hands!"

The people in Georgia have less of a
say over the American

election than people in Moscow.

- In fact, both Florida and Georgia are so close, they may face recounts at the moment
- .

Is that right? It's nuts what's
going on at the moment,

because not Donald Trump is saying,

"Well, it's fraudulent. There's
fraud going on down there," and
they're going,

"No, we just haven't finished
counting yet."

And look, despite talk of voter

there were a number of progressive
victories across the country,

as expressed by this
enthusiastic commentator.

It is the end of one-party rule in
the United States, thank God,

and the beginning of a new
Democratic party - younger,

browner, cooler, more women -
more veterans can win in Michigan,

can win in Pennsylvania,
can win in Ohio.

We have the first Muslim women,
first Native American women,

the first black woman from

first Latina from Texas.

It may not be a blue wave -
it's a rainbow wave.

It's something happening out there
and I'm happy about it.

I mean, that sounds like pretty much
what happened in America.

To be fair, though, Donald Trump
did go to great lengths

to show how much support
he has from some

enthusiastic Native American
representatives behind him

at his rallies.

I mean...

In fairness, they probably do want
to make America great again,

like it was in 1492.

"Yeah, I wish we'd built
a wall 600 years ago!"

Also, I really like the little
boy scout on the left-hand side.

He's there getting his racism badge.

Christi tweeted us from
Albuquerque, New Mexico to say...

Which I really hope is not
the sequel to Sharknado.

Oh, I really hope it is,
I'd go to that!

There are now some new faces to look
out for over the next two years.

For example, there's
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,

who became the youngest woman
elected to Congress

and who, just a year ago,
was genuinely working

as a waitress in a cocktail bar.

Not sure what happened next,
but according to reports they

picked her out, shook her up,
turned her around,

turned her into someone new.

And if we weren't on the show,
you'd have sung that in a video.

According to bookmakers, the most
likely candidates now to take on

Donald Trump at the next election
include Bernie Sanders,

Kamala Harris, and the new guy,
who only just lost the

historically safe
Republican race in Texas,

but only just.
A guy called Beto O'Rourke.

Now, he's a former bass player in
a punk band who's been arrested

for burglary and driving under the
influence, and whose father-in-law

is worth around $20 billion.

But he's being seen as the
new, cool face of the Democrats,

and you can see why from this
passionate concession speech.

I am as inspired, I'm as hopeful
as I have ever been in my life,

and tonight's loss does nothing
to diminish the way that I feel

about Texas or this country.

All of you showing the country
how you do this...

..I'm so fucking proud of you guys!

Wow. He doesn't look like
a politician, he looks like

he's about to bring on Pearl Jam!

Or like he's about to launch
the new iPhone.

Now, in the past, we've predicted
political races with pig racing,

a gunge slide and Hungry Hippos, and
not one of them have been correct.

So, at the end of tonight's show,
we're gonna predict

Donald Trump's next challenger in
our biggest and dumbest way yet.

But, look, while some progressive
candidates had victories,

Giles asked...

All right. Let me tell you
the story of Dennis Hof.

He's an adult reality star
and brothel owner

who once wrote a book
called Art Of The Pimp.

Oh, fuck, I was gonna call
mine that!

Weren't you gonna call yours
Art Of The Limp?

Very nice. Very good.

Lovely bit of work,
lovely bit of work.

Hof was confirmed as a candidate,
but died two weeks before

the election - this is the truth! -

after spending four days celebrating
his 72nd birthday.

None of this is made up, by the way.

He was found dead
at his Love Ranch brothel

by the porn star Ron Jeremy,
and some reports said that

rapper Flava Flav was "distraught."

Flava Flav was just there, checking
his pulse using his big clock.

"Time of death!"

In fairness to Hof, I think
we're being unfair to him,

because according to his voters
he had charisma, he had integrity

and he had dignity, and that
was just three of the girls

that were working for him.

Lovely bit of business.

When the coroner was asked about
the cause of death, he said,

"Don't blame it on the sunshine,
don't blame it on the moonlight,

definitely blame it
on the good times."

How do you give a concession speech
when you've lost to a dead guy?!

What do you do?
Get up on stage and go,

"Well, he was stiff competition"?

And also, how do you
console the person who lost?

What do you say to someone?
"Hey, you ran a good race, honey."

And they go, "No, I didn't!
I was beaten by a pimp corpse!"

There must have been people
in the Democrats thinking,

"Well, maybe we can bring
back Kennedy!"

Although, to be fair,
he may struggle with

the whole Me Too movement.


What, too soon?!

To give his side of the story,
though, it is only fair

that we try and contact Dennis Hof.

So I've got a map of Nevada,
I'm gonna move this glass around

until I can actually contact...

Dennis, are you there, Dennis?

What's happening, baby?

Dennis, is that you?
You bet yo ass.

Dennis, it's Adam Hills from
The Last Leg here. Sup, baby.

Where exactly are you?
I'm in heaven, baby.

How did you get into heaven?

Even Saint Peter thinks
I'm a legend.

So what have you been doing up
in heaven?

This and that. Put it this way,
she's not a Virgin Mary any more.

Oh! Oh, do you know what, I think...

Whoa. I think we might
have to leave it there.

I said, "If the clouds are rocking,
don't bother knocking."

That's what I say.

Well, Dennis, can you put God on?

WOMAN: Hello?

God, it's Adam Hills here.

Yes, I know.

Of course you do. Of course you do?!
You arrogant bastard!

Don't ask why she took
your foot away.

You've done very well out of it.

God, if you don't mind me asking,
how did Dennis Hof get into heaven?

Erm, yep, that was a clerical error.

I thought it was The Hoff.

I see. So what are you going
to do...?

Sorry, sorry, Adam, I have to go.

He's harassing the angels!

Oh, for me's sake!


All right,
let's welcome tonight's guest.

That is both my favourite...

That's just my favourite thing
we've ever done.

Every week, can we contact
the dead please, Adam?

She's an actor who's appeared in
Green Wing episodes

and Black Books, he's a comedian
who holds the record

for the biggest ever stand-up show
in China.

Would you please welcome
Tamsin Greig and Russell Howard!


All right? How you doing?

You all right?
Yeah, good, thank you.

Tamsin, Russell,
welcome to the show.

Wow, this is really hot!


Isn't it amazing?

Who knew that Alex's dick
was causing global warming?

It's really effective,
I'm really cold!


Don't touch!

It's my fire.

Forget it. What are your...

What are your reactions to what
went on in America this week?

It was fascinating. Yeah.

I was really nervited.


You know, nervous and excited
at the same time.

I thought, "Isn't that amazing that
I'm really excited and nervous

"about another country?"

I think that's really interesting.

And then I woke up and then all
these women were suddenly changing

the landscape. Really fantastic.

And then I heard that Trump was
calling it "a tremendous success."

Yeah. But I knew that the
House of Representatives

had gone to the Democrats, so then
I wondered whether he had forgotten

that he was a Republican, and then I
remembered that he was a Democrat.

Yes. He used to be a Democrat.

He was a Democrat, then an
independent, then a Republican,

and then now he's a Republican.

What I found fascinating was he
said, "Now it's actually gonna be

"easier for me to get stuff done,
because before we couldn't

"win over all the Republicans" -

even though he's the
head of the party.

He is, of course, fond of bullshit.

I keep forgetting that. Yes.

What I found most baffling about it
is the fact that

Acosta's had his pass revoked. Yeah.
He didn't touch her.

Like, if I'd have been him,
I would have just gone,

straightaway, "VAR."

I've seen more contact
in a Christian porno.

And I've seen a lot. Maybe Trump got
a little bit confused by his name.

What, his own name? No, yeah,
he thought he was an accoster.

Pretty amazing, though, we've got
all these...

Over 100 women have been elected.

I think it's the time for women.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

OK, a few people are like...

My thinking about it is kindness.

An example of this - I was on the
Tube recently and a girl got stuck

in the Tube door,
and her friends helped her...

Why are they laughing?!

Why? They didn't laugh. "Sarah!"
They rescued her. Sarah?

They were stroking her hair.
If that was a man, he'd still be

on the Circle line.

"Lads, seriously!" "Say hello to
Facebook, you fat fuck."

Time for kindness. So, Tamsin,
you've spent a lot of time

in American, how does American
politics compare

to British politics,
do you think?

Well, I've never met any American
politicians, but I do imagine

that the people who work in
the television industry in LA

are similar creatures.

I think that they're better dressed,

probably, than the Brits,
the American politicians,

and also have a finer way with spin.

Right. I think it's all...

But we do have to remember
the context.

Even Steve Bannon said of Trump,

"He knows nothing
and doesn't give a shit."

That sounds like a deodorant ad.

I reckon he could get elected
next term with that slogan.

"Trump - I know nothing
and I don't give a shit."

"Yeah, I'll vote for you!"

Now, look, last week we had help
from this wrestler to demonstrate

what could've happened to Trump
in the midterm elections.


Go on, you know you need to.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!



So this week we're gonna use
the same wrestler to demonstrate

what actually did happen.

Would you please welcome
our wrestler back again!


Now, rather than being body-slammed
by the Democrats,

Trump went head-to-head
with them during the week,

and in the House of Representatives
was given a slap in the face.

Oh, Jesus!

However, in the Senate,
the Democrats got burned.

Yeah! How do you like that?

Come on, you wuss.

Now, that wasn't in the script
and I regret saying it. Now...

Now Trump's agreed to sit down
with the Democrats

and try to get along.



Oh, allow me.

There you go.

See? It's all friendly now,
isn't it?

Oh, go on.

But in doing all this,
Donald Trump's now afraid he's going

to look weak, plus he still
needs someone to fight against.

So now, once again,
he's decided to turn on...

..the media.


And that is pretty much the state
of American politics right now.

We'll have more Last Leg
for you after the break,

as the Brexit Secretary rubs people
the wrong way.

We'll see you in a little bit.



- Welcome back to The Last Leg. We're joined by Russell Howard and Tamsin Greig. Amy G said, "Is
- it OK that

Russell is sat looking like he has
forgotten to put his prostatic leg


And Craig said, "Is it OK my
visually impaired wife just saw
Russell Howard and Tamsin Greig

"appear on the show and asked,
'Is that Jedward?'" Yeah.

Excellent. We do look like we could
be sisters. We do.

Russell, you are on tour next year,
with a show called Respite.

- Respite, yes. And the rumour is that Josh kind of weird, makes a little, weird cameo in yo
- ur...

No, I did a gig in Southampton
and I was kind of ad-libbing.

I was talking about the damaging
effect of pornography on children.

Yeah. And, because that's how
kids... Wait.

But that's how kids learn. I saw a
kid the other day on the tube,
watching porn.

He wasn't even touching himself,
he was just watching it, and you're

like, "Who watches porn for the
stories?" But...

"I knew they'd get together."

But... I was thinking that we need a
wholesome role model in porn.

- We need a boy next-door, we need a man who looks like he'd be a tender, gentle, giving lov
- er...


..and I believe it's Josh. I... if I
had a son, I would genuinely make

him watch you make love.
I think that would be...

Like, when he's of an age, but I
just think, I think you'd
be tender...

- That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, what's really funny about I
- t

- is, cos I did it in a gig in Southampton, and the next day Josh rang me up and was lik
- e,

"Hello, I understand you've been
doing stuff about me."

I really went for it at this gig,
doing lots of... What did it sound



- But it was like... After the creepy door had opened, then what happened? But it was sort o
- f...

mutual love."

"Really, and you're coming, I'm
coming, we're all coming!"

And I think, of all...
Is he from East Asia?

But I think, of all comedians, you
would be the best, like, you can't
have Jimmy.

Imagine Jimmy Carter just...
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

Andy Parsons, "Far too erratic!"
Could you stop, could you stop
making it jiggle?

It's really disconcerting.
I don't like it when...

- But I think, I genuinely think that you should do that, I think you should stop being a com
- edian...

Do you have children? I don't have
children. Great. Yeah.

But don't you think?

- So there is, but there is a new series of the Russell Howard Hour coming out as well. Yes
- .

- It's already out, isn't it? It started yesterday, sorry, on Sky One, did it not? It did, yes
- .

Yes. And we have a clip of it.
Lovely. Here's Russell in action.

Theresa May doesn't have the skills
to get a good deal.

Do you know who we need?

Ant and Dec.

Likeable, charismatic. I'm serious.

Think of all the people they've
convinced to eat crocodile balls.

They could get a deal!

Ant would be amazing in Europe!

A, he's not busy, and B, he's used
to driving on the wrong side of the


I'm just saying.

All right, well, we're talking
Brexit. James asked...

Now, in the last few hours, the
Transport Minister and Boris

Johnson's brother Jo has resigned
while calling for a second

He basically said our two current
choices are to either be a servant

of the EU or to descend into
chaos. Either way, he said, the

Government have made a mess of it
and he is out.

I mean, regardless of which way you
voted, this is now turning into an

enormous... what's the word I'm
looking for?


There have been 13 Tory resignations
over Brexit, and 19 ministerial

losses overall since the referendum.

That's in two years!

Since 2016, the Cabinet has lost
more members than the
Louis CK Fan Club.

I mean, is this...

Are you, are you losing all hope?
I'll be brutally honest, I only

found out today that Boris Johnson
had a brother.

And I work in topical comedy. I was
like, "Oh, my God! Yeah. He's got
a brother."

I heard that. It said Jo Johnson
resigned. I looked at it, I was

like, "Oh, tell you who he
looks like, Boris Johnson."

It's awkward when you disagree and
your siblings are, like, in the

cos when Ann Widdecombe was
Shadow Home Secretary, it was a
fucking nightmare.

- And while Theresa May's convoy was involved in an accident in Belgium today, Dominic Raab was
- involved in

his own European car crash.
Paddy asked...

- On Thursday, Dominic Raab gave this worryingly inept speech to a tech conference in Lon
- don.

We make clear that we want a bespoke
arrangement on goods which

recognises the peculiar, frankly,
geographical economic entity that is

the United Kingdom. We are, and I
hadn't quite understood the full

extent of this, but if you look at
the UK, and you look at how we trade

in goods, we are particularly

reliant on the
Dover-Calais crossing.

No shit?!

Who would've thought that our
closest port to mainland Europe
would be that busy?

How else did you imagine goods got
here? On a fucking unicorn?!

Do you think Santa brings them?
Where do you think the Eurostar
ends up?!

I imagine, like, Dominic Raab going
to the White Cliffs of Dover on a

clear day and someone going, "Never
guess what that is over there.

"France." He's like, "Fuck off!"

Wait till he finds out where
Ireland is, it's going to blow his
fucking mind!

- Do you reckon he'll be like that with the sea? "Oh, I didn't think it was this wet.
- "

He knows, though, that, that...

- ..that he does, the swallow after he said that, because it is a sub-clause, he didn't need
- to say

- it. Yeah. He didn't need to say, "I didn't really understand that bit." He didn't, and the
- n he goes...


That's the giveaway, isn't it? And
also, if you don't know, just lie.

You know what I mean? Just go,
"Yeah, it's going to be fine."

Even if it's not, just bullshit
your way through it. Don't go...

"I don't know what I'm doing."
And that's why, that's why you
shouldn't be a parent. OK.


I want to know, what else has
Dominic Raab just realised?

- Do you know what I mean? I'll lay money right now he's sitting at home watching The Sixth Se
- nse,

going, "Hang on, something's not
right about that Bruce Willis

In fact, that's our poll for
tonight - what else has Dominic Raab
just realised?

Tweet us @thelastleg,
use the hashtag...

We'll check on it later in the show.
And before we go to the break,

though, a lot of people tweeted us
this week about the English amputee

football team. In particular they
highlighted this tweet from the BBC,
that said...

To which one Twitter user

I mean, that is the Paralympic
legacy right there, people.

And here's the weird thing, Alex
actually played amputee football.

Yeah. For a little while.
Yeah, for a little while, yeah.

OK. I don't think I'm quite
welcome much, playing it any more.

Yeah, you were a little rough,
weren't you?

We've got video of how rough...
This is Alex in action.

Ball goes in to... look, I've got
too close to my man, and...


- And then just walk away! Horrible. You just walk away as if nothing's happened! It's that g
- esture

- afterwards. Yeah. I thought, I got... I did a two-footed challenge and I've only got one
- foot.

- But the best thing about that, one of the, one of the rules of amputee football is, no slide
- tackles.

- And there was a guy with a prosthetic as well. There was a guy with a prosthetic, yeah
- .

Well, only afterwards.

He made a noise like two atoms
colliding. It was horrible.

Look, of all the sports we've
tried on this show, we realised
we've never had a crack at

amputee football. So I reckon it's
time to do it.

- And to show us how it's done, would you please welcome England amputee footballer Helder S
- ilva.


Helder, pleasure to meet you.
Thank you for coming.

Now, couple of fascinating things
about Helder.

Helder is from, you were born in
Portugal. Yes, I was born in

- But Portugal don't have an amputee football team. They don't have an amputee nor either a na
- tional

league, so UEFA allowed me to play
here for England.

Which is amazing. Yes. So the last
game you played was in front of
42,000 people.

Yes, last year in Turkey we played
at Besiktas Stadium against 42,000

people in the stands, booing the
national anthem. Wow! OK.

And what, you have actually also
played against Alex.

Yes, we are team-mates at Arsenal.

What's he like to play with?
Well, put it this way, how do you
think I lost my leg?


All right.

So, what we're going to have is a
bit of a football shoot-out, but we

are going to put Alex in goal.
Of course you are, why wouldn't you?

- But here's the thing, because the rules of amputee football are that the people in goal have t
- o have...

- Have you given him a big hand? Well, you have to have an arm deficiency if you're in goal,
- so I

- am going to help you with this, but I'm going to tape this one up. What the fuck?! Yeah, y
- eah,

- so just there... You have to be an arm amputee, as it turns out. My nickname, "Unsafe Han
- ds".

Right, there we go. Just... Hang on,
hang on. I need, there we go.
Yeah, I'm good.

You are right? OK. Well, kind of,
I'm being... Yeah.

Oh, man that... This is swiftly
turning into torture.

- What the... So, Helder, if you could come up and have a first shot. I've got a degre
- e!

Yeah. "I've got a degree!"

OK, you ready?

You ready? Yeah.


OK. All right.

So, one by one, we are going to...
Don't pelt it. You ready?

- Josh, you've got to kick it with your foot you're standing on, by the way. Yeah, I'm aware
- of that.

He cannot put the foot on the floor.

And good goal!

OK. Tamsin, would you like to have a

OK, Tamsin, it is your turn.
Which one do I kick it with?

The one that's on the ground now.


I mean, this is... this is terrible.
I mean, this is humiliating.

All right. And one for you, Russell
Howard, and I know you are very

- competitive, so you've got to kick with the foot that's on the ground. Oh, really? Yea
- h.

So I go like that with that one?


Who-o-o-o-oa! Oh!

We'll be back with more of The
Last Leg, and we'll continue this

- to find a winner during the ad break. This is never going to end! And we'll put it on Inst
- agram.

But we do want to know, what else
has Dominic Raab just realised?

Tweet us @thelastleg.
Use the hashtag....

We'll continue this.
Check us out on Instagram.

We'll see you back in a little bit.

Welcome back to The Last Leg.

We're still joined by
Russell Howard and Tamsin Greig.

During the ad break, we kept going
with the amputee football shoot-out,

and I'm very proud to say that
Russell Howard was the winner. Aw.

You get the official...

..amputee trophy,
it's all yours.

Oh, that's lovely!
Was somebody take this off me? No!

Well, what I don't like about this
is, I think it's going to

give people an idea to catch and
hunt disabled people.



Let's take it off. Stand up.
Crucially, as well. I look like

I could be like a trophy on an
American dentist's wall.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.


And crucially,
Alex asked for Jaffa cakes.


Ah! That looks brutal, man.

That's genuinely the most painful

thing you've ever had happened to
your arm, isn't it?


Before we go on, I want to give a
quick shout out to a woman

who was in the audience of a Channel
4 show this week.

She was sat behind Nigel Farage as
he was speaking.

She's on the right of your screen,
she's in the stripy top,

have a look at her reaction
over his shoulder.

What we're getting here is it a
Remainer's Brexit, Theresa May

never believed in it.

She's watered it down.


She was a viral hero!
She is here tonight!

Well done.

OK, back to the news.

Alistair McMurray asked, "Is it OK
to feel ever slowed slightly

"scared after what's happened in
California and Melbourne this week?"

Now, it has been a bit of a bleak
week, a bleak week in some ways.

There was another mass shooting in
America, and to give you an idea of

how depressingly used to it we are,

we haven't mentioned it until this
part of the show.

It wasn't our biggest story.

Overnight, a man in Melbourne
conducted a one-man terror attack,

and to top it off all here in
England this week,

a group of absolute cockspanks
burnt an effigy of

Grenfell Tower on a bonfire,
and footage of it was posted on

Facebook, and many people pointed

those cockspanks have been dealt
with more harshly than those that

actually caused the Grenfell fire.

There's nothing we can say
about these events,

- there's nothing funny we can say about it, and there's nothing that we really want to say at
- all, except

that our hearts go out to anyone
affected by them.

And while there are some
terrible things happening in the

world right now, there are
some lovely moments, as well.

So, for Alistair who tweeted in,
and everyone who is currently in

need of a feel-good story,
we found this clip this week.

It's of a bear and its mother.

It went viral this week,

as they did their best to overcome a
very slippery slope.

This will warm your heart.

Now, there's the mother,
almost at the top.

The bear is...


Do you know what, I look at that,
and I think my daughter's spoiled.


This is a moment where he
nearly gets to the top,

now the mother was trying to help,
as it turns out,

but the fall from this bear
just keeps going...

And going...

And going...

What you can't hear,

is the bear is actually going,


And the mummy Bear was like going,
not here, no, not here!

It took another 30 seconds,

and then eventually the bear
made it to the top!


Very quickly, Stephen Hawford said,
"I is it OK that..."

Oh, sorry, were you going to say
something then? No. OK.

"Is it OK that Bill Gates was
holding up a jar of faeces in a

"recent toilet expo?

"At least the smell wouldn't have
been too bad as he knows how

"to use Windows."


I'd bring a jar of shit into the
office, you all have a go at me!

Bill Gates does it,
and he's a genius!

It's weird, because he brought the
shit out to demonstrate,

human shit to demonstrate...

We don't know... Yeah.

No, he said it was...
But was it his or...? Whose was it?

He's got a bit on his lip, there.


But, with the shit in the jar, has
someone gone, like direct into it?

Cos I wouldn't, if it was me,
I wouldn't trust myself with that.

Or, have you scooped it?
No, I think we can move on.


The bear clip was good, though,
wasn't it?

Apparently he is... But the whole

point of this is that Bill Gates has
invented a new

toilet that doesn't use sewers,
and it doesn't use water,

and it's supposedly amazing for
the environment.

We're inventing new toilets? Yes.
Fantastic! I say, instead of...

We just have big, like,
just Piers Morgan's mouth.


Imagine that. The joy you'd take
having a movement! Having a

Tamsin, what would you change about
a toilet if you could?

Well, what I'd do is,
you know when you go into a toilet,

public or your own,
and you go there,

and there is just poo down the back
of the loo, because

they flushed, but they haven't
checked that it's all gone away.

What I would do is that if they
walked out of the bathroom,

there would be a sprinkler system
over them... Yeah.

And also then they would be locked
in the toilet, and they would be

bleached, and everything in the
room would be bleached. Wow, yeah.

Just make sure that people remember,
you look and check down the back.

You really do have children,
don't you?

Briefly, Rebecca asked,
"Is it OK that a statue that is

"supposed to be Mo Salah actually
looks nothing like him?"

This is what the footballer
Mo Salah looks like.

This is what a statue unveiled
this week looked like.


Do you know what, when my agent came
to me and said, we've got a

job for you doing a hand model for a
Mo Salah statue,

I said it wouldn't work, but

It looks like Art Garfunkel!

It genuinely looks like you and
Alex have had a kid.

We are trying.
And it's been frozen in carbonite.

And finally, in other football
news, this clip went around today.

This is an amazing clip.

It features an overenthusiastic dad
trying to encourage his

goalkeeping son to stay on the ball.

The match was tight,
this gave them momentum.


Where's the goalkeeper going?
Get back in your goal!



We'll be back with more on The
Last Leg in a minute,

as Josh wraps up the last seven
days, and we predict

Donald Trump's next challenger in a
unique and ill-advised way

that has already made our health and
safety officers nervous.

To give you an idea, I've got to put
this on.

We'll see you in a little bit.


Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're still joined by Russell Howard
and Tamsin Greig.

We will explain these costumes in a
second. First, Josh...

It would be so good if they played
no role in the rest of the show.

- We were just about to, we actually wanted to put these on to talk about the serious new
- s.

Josh has been canvassing the last
seven days. What have you got?

- So, this is my favourite ever clever from University Challenge, and there's a lot of contend
- ers.Yeah.

- So this is amazing. Watch the guy, Tsang, in the bottom left corner as the buzzer goes o
- ff.

Watch his reaction.

..describe which beverage in a
cantata with music by JS Bach?

BUZZER Coffee.

- Can we watch him one more time? I love it. Yeah, go on, we need to watch him again. One more
- time.

Go on. Just watch Tsang. a
cantata with music by JS Bach?

BUZZER Coffee.

Briefly, we asked you what else you
thought Dominic Raab had just

Let's see, AJ said, "that Dr Dre is
not a real doctor."

Alan, "You aren't actually inside
his telly."

Sam, "He's just realised why this
show is called The Last Leg."

And Bully, "Raab just realised that
bears shit in the woods."

Now, being the way we're dressed,
that's probably inappropriate.

Very quickly, Mark H asked...

Yes. Professor Hawking's wheelchair
and a copy of a thesis he wrote

fetched almost £1 million at

He was literally sitting on
a goldmine.

That's exciting. Yeah.
Which bit of Alex am I going to...

I'm going to buy his leg when he
dies. Really? Yeah.

- Do you know, I hope, I hope there's someone watching this show on recreational drugs
- .


Just sort of sat there...
By the way, just a personal note, I

reckon the person that bought
Stephen Hawking's wheelchair must be
rolling in it.


That's all we've got
time for tonight.

Would you please thank our guests,
Tamsin Greig...

..and Russell Howard.

And my co-hosts, Josh Widdicombe...

..and Alex Brooker.

Next week we'll be joined by
comedian Jimmy Carr, but tonight

- we want to try to predict who will go head-to-head with Donald Trump at the next US presidentia
- l election.

Now, in the past, we've used
Hungry Hippos and racing pigs, but

tonight it's pretty obvious we
are going to use climbing bears.

Josh, Alex and I will each take a
paw that represents a different
possible candidate.

I'm Bernie Sanders. We will try and
make it up the slippery slope and

place the paw as high as we can.

The highest paw will be our
prediction. Oh, my God! I'm nervous.

But I can't reach as far as you
lot. You'll have a bigger run-up.

Josh, who have you got? Bernie
Sanders. OK,. BEAR-nie Sanders.

Bearnie Sanders. Go.

Am I going? Yeah. Go for it.
As high as you can get.



I'm not sure I can beat that.
That was good.

All right, I'll go next.
I've got Kamala Harris.



Go on, Alex! Come on, Alex!



Did I win? Go on, have one more go,
have one more go.

Go on. Come on, you've got
Beto O'Rourke.

Here, Alex, one more, take this,
take this, Beto O'Rourke. Go with



Go, Russell! Come on, Russell!
Go on!



That is our official prediction.

Beto O'Rourke will be the next
Democratic candidate.

Thanks for watching The Last Leg.
Come around, everyone.

- My name is Adam Hills. See you next week for the next leg. Goodnight. Come on, up, the
- n.


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