The L Word: Generation Q (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode #3.9 - full transcript
Previously on
The L Word: Generation Q...
I can't do anything
that's too...
real right now.
[Dre]
Okay.
What the actual fuck, Taylor?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I am, too.
-By the way, he dies in the end!
-Oh, come on, lady!
You want to start your new life?
Call this exactly what it was.
An awakening.
For both of us.
-Fuck. Oh, my God.
-[Shane] What?
[Angie]
It's someone I dated, briefly.
Bum-ba-dum-ba-dum, bum...
[Shane] Hey, hey.
Grab your shit. Come on.
I love you, but I am not
my full self
when I'm with you, Finn.
I am on my own path,
I am taking swings.
[crying] My mom died.
[Shane]
I'd like another chance.
And I-I want to earn
your trust back.
[Tess] I can't do this
back-and-forth, I just,
I need to get off
this fucking ride.
[Finley]
Are you okay?
No, I think I need to lie--
Hey. Carrie. Carrie!
Yeah, trouble finds me
[siren wailing]
[medic] Her heart rate
is dropping, we're losing her.
[medic 2]
Starting compressions.
I need epinephrine
and bicarbonate going in, now!
[devices pumping, hissing]
-Stay with me.
- In your corner...
She's stabilizing.
-[medic] I've got a pulse.
-[medic 2] She's gonna make it.
Get her to CCU for observation.
[Carrie]
See, she's not dead.
Next season, she has an affair
with a patient
and she goes completely coocoo.
Okay.
Have many times have you seen
this show all the way through?
I don't really want
to answer that question.
-Okay.
-All right?
Let's just say a lot.
-Uh-huh.
-[Finley] Hey.
-[Carrie] Hey.
-[Misty] Hey.
Hey, what did we say
about starting the day
with a balanced breakfast
and a little movement?
Well, we have said nothing,
but you apparently
have said a lot.
Okay, well, the doctor said
you got to get your steps in.
We're trying to heal here.
[Misty]
Yeah, it's only been a week
since your heart attack, babe.
Oh, I find Grey's Anatomy
very healing, you know?
It's gotten me through some
really rough patches
-in my life.
-Thank you. That's nice.
-Well...
-[TV turns off]
-Ah, come on.
-That can be your reward
for doing
your stress test today.
-Yeah?
-Yep, we got a quarter mile
-up an incline, baby.
-Ugh.
Yes, we have to do that.
We're doing that today.
-Yeah.
-[Carrie] All right.
Then you can do
anything you want.
-Yep.
-Including Misty.
[Misty]
Ooh.
Sex as motivation.
I like that. Yes?
-[Finley] Hey!
-The two of you
are really bad, you know that?
-[Misty] Mm-hmm.
-Oh, my God.
Ugh. Ugh. This is not eggs.
No, it's tofu.
Yeah? Well, tofu...
fuck yourself.
No wonder I've never
had it before.
I'm a lunatic
I'm a bitch
I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a
Light up all your shit
Blow a kiss like
Whoa-oh-oh
- I'm a lunatic
- Whoa-oh-oh
I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a
I'm a lunatic,
I'm a bitch...
[TV playing indistinctly]
[woman over TV]
I think that's a great idea.
[woman 2]
Yeah.
[woman] It's nice to know that
I can always depend on you.
[both laugh]
-I love you so much.
-I love you, too.
-Fuck you.
-[door opens]
[Bella] Hey. I was hoping
for chicken nuggets
but all they had was something
called a "fish cake,"
so proceed with caution.
I'm not hungry, but thanks.
[Bella]
G, this has to stop.
Get your sorry ass out of bed,
put on some clothes,
and get to your reading.
I'm not going.
Hendrix can fail me if he wants,
I really don't care.
[sniffles]
You're way too hot to be hung up
on some Hemingway wannabe.
I hope to one day share
that perspective.
I got to run to rehearsal
but when I get back,
you better be gone.
I will definitely be here.
Angie...
I'm serious. I can't see him.
There's nothing in
this whole world that's
-gonna make me want to go.
-[knocking]
[scoffs] Who's that?
Did you invite someone over?
[Bella]
No.
-Surprise!
-Surprise!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-[Tina] Hey.
Wait, what are
you guys doing here?
[Tina] Well, we weren't
gonna miss your reading.
[Bette] We're gonna film it,
is that okay?
No, no, the reading...
It's not a thing.
It's a non-thing.
-Right?
-Yep, a total non-thing.
[Bette]
Well, not according to
the department website.
Are you coming?
-Me? No.
-Yes.
[Bella]
Yes.
-Is something wrong?
-[Angie] Nope.
Is everything okay?
She's nervous.
-[Angie] I'm nervous.
-Oh...
About the reading.
Big nerves about it, so...
Oh, honey, look, come here.
-Sit down.
-Don't... Okay.
You have nothing
to be nervous about, at all.
-That's what I told her.
-It's gonna be great, okay?
Just breathe, like in
your stomach sort of.
Okay. Just... You don't
have to be nervous, honey.
Because you are
an amazing writer.
Yes. And you have
such command of the stage.
You were so terrific
in your high school productions.
I was a stage hand.
And it was memorable.
-Okay.
-[Tina] Well, that's good.
[Angie]
Thanks. I hope that experience
can get me through today.
[Bette]
It will.
And then afterwards we can all
go out to dinner and celebrate.
[whispers] I made a reservation
at Providence.
-[Bella] So bougie.
-Okay, okay.
I guess, um,
-we're all going to this thing.
-Yep.
-Yay.
-Great.
[Tina]
Um, maybe you should, um...
Are you gonna...
Yeah, maybe change?
Uh, maybe just a quick shower.
-[Angie] Mom, stop.
-Maybe just pits and bits.
Or you could wipe just...
-very fast with water.
-Guys.
Or-or whatever you think
is best.
-Totally fine. Okay.
-[Bette] That's-that's good.
[Angie]
Now go, so I can get ready.
-Okay.
-[Tina] You can get ready.
-[Bette] Um, I love you.
-[Tina] We're going.
[Bette]
Break a leg.
[Tina]
Bye. Nice meeting you.
[Bette]
You look great.
[Bella]
They're low-key iconic.
upbeat music
Uh-huh, oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Uh, where she get it?
Uh-huh, uh-uh
[door closes]
Are you sneaking out?
Do you want some coffee?
No, um, I'm good, thanks.
It was really nice
to have you here last night.
I think Mack missed you.
[laughs] He's a good boy.
Um, I was thinking maybe
we could go talk to someone.
If-if you're ready to.
I'm not... yet.
Thought it might be a good idea.
Well, you also thought
it would be a good idea
to fuck another woman, um...
I'm gonna go to the,
um, expansion
and-and meet the tile guy.
I'll see you later.
You can try to fight it
Go ahead, if you dare
No one's gonna help you
This is life, it ain't fair
Do you got it?
Do you got it?
Look at these little
jelly bean toes.
They're so squishy.
Are you looking?
-Yes.
-Like-- Look.
-Ooh! Oh, he's perfect.
-[Sophie laughs]
I mean, his cat box is not
perfect. It's like-- whew.
But I cracked a window.
Oh, look at this one.
Look at this one.
Come on. Have you ever seen
anything cuter?
[Sophie]
Aww.
Yeah, just the other
200 pictures
you showed me of
your kitten yesterday.
Anyway, um, how are those
Rachel questions coming along?
-Oh, so good.
-Okay.
Yeah, I can't believe we're
wrapping this season
with the Rachel Maddow.
I mean, we are living
the queer dream here, so...
[phone chimes]
Ooh, do you have the green? Ah.
There's only two.
-Um, Alice.
-Yeah?
Did you interrupt a movie
at a theater recently?
Who's asking?
Uh, everyone in my DMs.
Apparently James Corden
retweeted the video
and now the hashtag...
-Oh, my God, that guy.
-"AliceSoEntitled" is...
-is trending.
-"Entitled"?
How is that even...
-All right. Yeah, I see it.
-Wait a minute.
Did you yell
at an elderly woman, too?
-Oh, my God.
-What? What...?
Okay, we had a rapport
until she turned on me.
Okay, and-and...
Oh, and then you told everyone
how the movie ended.
Oh, my God, it was an old movie.
Everybody knows
how the movie ends.
-Now everyone's talking about...
-[phones buzzing, chiming]
...all this other bullshit
you've done.
-[chiming continues]
-[murmuring]
Alice, do you know
a guy named Daryl Brewer?
exciting music
[gags quietly]
Oh, God.
All eyes on me
[Finley]
Okay...
All right, here we are.
A quarter-mile incline
with a view, baby.
I'm gonna run up ahead,
find the quarter-mile mark
for us.
-You got this.
-[Carrie] Okay. All right.
Just follow when you're ready.
Stretch out.
-Don't get hurt.
-All right.
[Carrie]
Are you sure?
That looks like longer
than a quarter mile.
Well, it's gonna get
a lot closer once we get going.
-Yeah.
-And then, uh...
we can get going.
[chuckles]
Well, you know, I would,
uh, like that,
I just don't want to
die during it.
You know?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
You know, um...
I wasn't expecting
to feel all these...
feelings with you, you know?
Yeah, me neither.
gentle music
I mean...
I'm not somebody who just,
you know, jumps right into
sex stuff or whatever.
Okay.
I totally understand that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I can't take another heartbreak.
We don't have to do anything
that you're not ready for, okay?
[Carrie sighs]
Obviously.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
But also I'm very good at it.
-You're what?
-[laughs]
I just-- I want you to have
all of the information.
I am excellent at it,
I've had a lot of practice,
it would be a, you know,
shame to miss out, really.
I don't plan on missing out,
Misty. At all. Oh, look,
a family is here.
Hello. This is a family hike.
-No sex talk.
-[Misty] All right, all right.
[Carrie]
It's a family hike, Misty.
-[Misty laughs]
-Come on.
Oh, that's a...
that's an incline.
[Misty]
We got this.
energetic, upbeat music
Up the tempo
Up
the tempo
[Barry] Alice,
I've got the board up my ass
and sponsors ready to pull.
What happened between
you and Daryl Brewer?
I met him at a party.
He was with his boyfriend.
Then his teammate came out
of the closet, which...
was and is a very brave thing
to do, Barry.
-Okay.
-Then Daryl Brewer
goes on national TV,
he gay-bashes him,
so I responded by calling him
a fucking hypocrite
and by doing so, yes,
I guess I outed him.
Oh, Alice.
But she feels
very differently now, Barry.
No, I don't-- No, I don't.
I feel exactly the same way.
[Barry]
People are angry.
They need to see
genuine remorse.
If you can't give them that,
we think it's best if
you cancel the show tonight.
Go home, lay low.
Let this blow over.
Barry? [laughs]
I am not canceling
on Rachel Maddow, okay?
Not my Maddow. Not my Maddow.
We're gonna figure
this thing out, Barry.
We really want to deliver
a great finale for our fans.
[Barry]
That would be ideal, but...
Thank you so much for your
leadership on this.
-We'll get back to you.
-[Barry] All right,
I'm giving you one shot.
Just don't make me
look like an asshole, Alice.
[Sophie]
All right. Thank you, Barry.
All right.
What is the way out of this?
I have no fucking clue.
But we'll find it.
Well, at least you
sounded like you knew.
So, that's a good thing.
What you want, what you need
Got the smoke,
bring the weed
Gassed enough, tryna see
If you got that '93
Right now
Like it, like it, like it
Give me that good loud
Bring it now...
[laughs]
I think I figured it out.
Oh, yeah? The song's working?
[chuckles] I think so.
What's it about?
I'm not telling you that.
Oh, so it's a secret?
Yeah.
-Oh.
-[both laughing]
Well, I like secrets.
-Let me see.
-Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
-Gimme, gimme.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Give me a peek.
-No.
I swear I can feel us getting
close now...
-Come on. Tell me.
-Mm-mm.
So discreetly when
you see me in my Fenty
They on the floor,
floor, floor
Let them inhibitions go,
go, go...
God, I love you.
I mean, I love what
you're doing.
Is what I meant.
Not, like, you.
[phone buzzing]
Um, it's... It's Sophie.
-I'm-a just...
-Yeah.
-Um, please.
-Yeah, okay.
Hey, Soph.
Perfect timing.
[quiet chatter]
[Angie]
They probably can already tell.
They can, like, sniff
this shit out.
[Bella]
I'm the only person who knows
you're banging
the professor, okay?
Was banging him.
Was.
[Hendrix]
Hey, uh, good afternoon.
We're about to get started,
so if you could all please
take your seats.
Thank you.
Bella.
Here, come join us.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
[Bella sighs]
Okay.
You got this. Good luck.
Do I?
[sighs]
You're the best person I know.
I don't know about that.
That's...
Oh, you're smart and kind
and full of life and wisdom.
He's an idiot
and you're a catch.
It's so obvious.
Says who?
gentle music
You got this.
[Hendrix]
Thank you all for coming.
My name is Samuel Hendrix,
I'm the Intro to Creative
Writing instructor.
And, yeah, okay.
Here we are. Um...
I've been excited about this day
the whole semester.
I've gotten to watch
these young writers
really come in to their own.
And now, today,
you all get a front-row seat
at the next generation
of young poets
and writers of all kinds.
So, sit back, relax,
and let's have a good time.
Dani has written hundreds
of these public apologies.
[Dani]
I'm happy to give you a template
and then we can tailor it
together.
Or a better idea,
I could just lean in.
Uh, I don't know, Alice.
"Lean in" sounds like
the opposite of "lay low."
Yeah.
[Alice]
Okay, look, if people really
think that I'm
an out-of-touch...
entitled asshole, then I say
we make a bit out of it.
Uh, I fear that would
make things worse. [chuckles]
Kimmel would do it.
-Um...
-[Alice] Sophie.
You know he would.
Yes, but...
Kimmel isn't a queer woman.
Which is exactly
why I should do it.
I know, Alice, I know.
-I hear you, but...
-[Alice] Listen.
I don't mean any disrespect
by saying this.
But you two do not know what
it was like to be gay back then.
You just don't.
You weren't there.
Somebody with his power
and his status
saying "down with the fags"
was like a normal thing.
-We don't use that word anymore.
-It's the anti-gay F-word.
Well, that's really long
to say, but... Okay.
I just...
I don't regret what I said.
So, I don't think
I should apologize.
Okay.
Alice...
I see you, I really do.
And I get that this is what
you want to do.
But I'm just trying
to look out for the show here.
We're still the only ones
on television.
gentle music
Okay.
I'll give you an apology.
Make you happy?
Yes.
I'm gonna go prep for Maddow.
If you guys come up with
something, come find me.
Okay.
[sighs]
Thank you.
I'm just following your lead.
Where should we work?
Come on.
[student]
A slim opening in the trees
gives way to the dirt path,
which weaves down
the hillside...
[quietly] My car got broken into
a couple days ago.
[student]
Young trees...
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, somebody shattered
the window.
It cost me like 250 bucks
to replace it.
What a terrible inconvenience.
I almost reported a theft.
Until I realized
only one thing was missing.
What was that?
It was that chapbook
you made me.
A criminal with good taste.
Maybe.
Or...
maybe an immature person
whose feelings were hurt,
so they decided to vandalize
somebody's property
for no reason.
I had a very valid reason,
Professor Hendrix.
And you know it.
[student] ...revealing
an aging playground.
Hey, Bella,
do you want some candy?
I have a whole assortment
in my bag if you want some.
Yeah, sure.
She always stocks up
at Duty Free, yeah.
-She's kind of perfect that way.
-Aww.
Well, thank you, that's so nice.
Hey, hey.
-Hi.
-Hey. Come here.
Aww. It's so good to see you.
-I miss you guys.
-Aww, I missed you.
-Hi, beautiful.
-Hello, hello.
Oh, Shane, this is Bella.
Bella, this is Shane.
How you doing, Bella?
Nice to meet you.
Wow, hot aunt.
Okay. I feel that.
-Yeah.
-Where's Tess?
She couldn't make it.
But she sends her love.
Mmm.
[student]
...our ballroom.
A sandbox waiting
to be transformed...
I know it's not easy owning
your own mistakes
and trying to make things right.
I know how that feels.
Mm.
She's a good person.
I know. I know.
She's just, uh...
She's not herself yet.
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
Right?
-I mean, her mom just died.
-Yeah.
You two are trying
to figure things out.
I know, I know, I know.
It's-it's...
It's more than that.
It just, it feels like we're
not moving forward together.
gentle music
Trust takes time.
-Right.
-Mm.
-Time and honesty.
-Relentless honesty.
They've got good
couples therapists
in Toronto, don't they?
[laughs] The best.
-Ah.
-Universal health care.
Oh, okay, that's the secret.
[applause]
[Hendrix]
Beautiful. Beautiful work, Ben.
Next up, we have
Angelica Porter-Kennard.
-Whoo!
-Go, G!
-[Bette] She looks nervous.
-Wait, that's--
-[shushing]
-Shh, she's starting.
tense music
[Angie]
Hi. [clears throat]
Nowhere.
[busy chatter]
[sighs]
-Oh, hi. Oh, nice.
-Hey, you approve?
Kitties everywhere. I love it.
-Hey.
-Hey. What do you think of this?
"Sometimes I lose sight of
my own power and responsibility
as a public figure
and it's in those moments
that I betray myself
and my community."
Mmm. Okay. Uh,
the sentiment's there,
I just think it needs
to be in Alice's voice
just a little bit more.
-Copy.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[phone ringing]
-Oh, uh, one second.
This is Sophie.
[Alice] Okay, okay.
That's a lot of torque.
-Whoo! How many CCs is this?
-Alice.
-What are CCs anyway?
-Hey, Alice.
-Can I get you for a minute?
-Do you know what a CC is?
[Alice]
Yeah, okay, wait.
Here's what
I'm wondering though.
The transition time between
landing with Rachel, right?
And landing the jump.
Also, I think we should walk
it through. Is she here?
Is she here yet?
She's not coming.
What?
Maddow pulled out.
Sophie...
Did she say why?
Alice...
Oh, my...
-[Sophie] But hey, hey.
-[Alice sighs]
We tape in 45 minutes,
we-we-we can call favors.
That's enough time. We can
call people in. It's fine.
Let's just... cancel the finale.
-Excuse me?
-Everyone, canceled!
Alice...
What's the point of all this,
really? If you think about it.
Just like, oh, I get on stage
every week and I'm...
you know, trying to bring
a little joy to everyone.
Just trying to give a voice
to all the queers!
And they turn on me?
It's not fucking worth it, okay?
Just run a, uh, clip show
for all I care.
That, that-- I'm sorry, Sophie.
I'll... I'll pay for it
if it's broken.
Hey. You okay?
somber music
What are you gonna do?
You gonna cancel the episode?
I'm gonna make a fucking show.
"Then I shouted to everyone,
everywhere,
but my voice was heard
by no one, nowhere.
I saw you in the mirror
until I grew up
and realized there's nothing
familiar about you anymore,
you were just empty space
where love once lived."
Thank you.
[applause]
[whooping]
Wait, that's the guy.
-[Bette] Who?
-That's the guy, that's her ex.
-No, no, that's her professor.
-I'm telling you,
that's her ex.
Bella. Is that her ex?
Or is that her professor?
tense music
Um... Uh...
[Tina]
Hey!
Get away from my daughter!
I'm talking to you, Professor!
What are you...?
Mom. Sit down.
-You're making a scene.
-Don't speak!
What is wrong with you?!
[groans]
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, okay.
[takes deep breath]
Margaret Cho is gonna
come back as host,
-she's gonna kill it.
-[Dani] Great.
So, that takes care of our
three-minute opening monologue,
but that still leaves with me
with four to five minutes short
without... Maddow. God.
What about Dre?
They've been working
on new material.
They're new, but...
[Sophie] I've been wanting
to do this kind of thing
for so fucking long.
Make the show about bringing
in new talent.
Queer talent.
[Dani]
Okay, then let's do it.
optimistic music
[Misty]
You're almost there.
-Home stretch. Here we go, Care.
-Just past this line.
[Carrie]
I'm coming. I'm, uh...
-[Misty] Okay.
-[Finley] Come on, right here.
[Misty]
You can stop if you need to.
-Okay. Oh, God, I'm--
-[Finley] Right here.
-Yeah, come on. Right here.
-Come on.
-Come on, you got this.
-[Carrie] Oh, man.
You got this.
A couple more steps.
-Come on.
-A couple more, you can do it.
-Yes!
-Yes! She's a beast, people!
-You did it. Are you all right?
-Please give me...
Just give me a minute,
give me a minute.
-How's the heart?
-I don't know. I don't know.
Here, chug this.
-You need to drink this.
-You okay?
-You okay?
-Yeah. I think so.
What the fuck is in that?
-What?
-Well, it's green powder.
-I thought it'd be good for you.
-Oh, dude.
-It's got vitamins and stuff.
-That's so not...
Come on, Finley, I like my water
clear, like everyone does.
You know, I like my eggs
to be eggs.
The doctor said, you know...
I'm just, I'm trying to help.
I know, but you're
driving me crazy.
Sorry, I just...
I thought I lost you
and it was really fucking scary.
-I know.
-[Finley] I just...
I don't want to lose you,
I love you.
Not in a gay way.
I mean, you know,
we're both gay,
-but...
-Yeah.
I totally get that.
I love you, too.
A lot.
Now, will you help me get down
this fucking hill?
[Finley]
Yep. I got you. Let's go.
-Let's go. Let's go.
-Come on.
-Carrie?
-What?
-I'm super gay for you.
-You are?
-Mm-hmm.
-That's good to know, Misty.
-Oh, boy, my legs are jiggling.
-[Misty] Yeah?
[Finley] It's all right,
it's only a half mile down.
[Carrie] A half mile?
I knew you lied, Finley.
[Finley]
I wanted you to see the view.
[Carrie]
I don't want to see the view.
Oh
You just fucking humiliated me
in front of my entire class.
[sighs] We trusted you to
take care of yourself.
I am taking care of myself.
He belongs in jail.
Okay, why didn't you tell us?
-I...
-Why didn't you tell me?
Because I don't owe you
anything! It's my fucking life!
We obviously need
to move back here.
No, I do not want you here.
-At all.
-Which is clear.
I'm just gonna get a condo
right next to your dorm
and I'm not gonna let you
out of my sight.
-Okay. Okay.
-Okay, okay, okay. All right.
All right, no. For the record,
listen, we're blaming him,
-we're not blaming you.
-What? No! Why?
Oh, honey,
he took advantage of you.
No, he did not.
You're not getting it.
-What is he? Like 27? 28?
-[Angie] Yes.
Yeah, and it was
nothing like that.
That's not the situation.
Honey, you just don't see it
that way right now.
But later you're
gonna understand:
he totally took advantage
of you.
This is exactly why
I don't tell you anything.
You're all acting like
fucking hypocrites.
Like you've never fallen in love
with someone that you shouldn't?
-It's fucking bullshit.
-[Bette] Okay.
Okay. Okay. Um...
Oh, no, okay...
-It's fine.
-[Bette] Okay, okay.
[sighs]
[sighs] All right,
why don't we just, um...
I don't know, why won't we
just go to dinner...
Fuck dinner. I don't--
I don't want--
I don't want to be around you.
Angie, wait up!
-Angie, wait up. Wait up.
-No.
-They just treat me like a kid.
-[Bella] No...
They just fucking humiliated me
and they didn't even
fucking realize it.
Okay, now that I saw.
I saw that.
Like, can you believe how wrong
they all are
about the situation?
Like, they misjudged it
so poorly, you know?
I-I sort of think...
they're right.
What?
Uh, I just mean, um...
I think it's weird.
On his side. Not on yours.
How? I was the one
that kissed him.
I know, but it-it's...
I was the one that told him
that it was okay.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
He was the one
that wanted to get out of it.
I don't want to seem
like I'm a fucking kid
who doesn't know what she wants.
-Because that is not the truth.
-I know.
I'm on your side!
I am on your side!
I just-- He has all the power.
-Okay, whatever.
-That's real.
May I please have my bag?
-May I please have my bag?
-Okay.
Where are you going?
Don't worry about it.
Piddles Junior?
I had the worst day...
getting canceled.
Oh, my God.
What, am I gonna go back
to podcasts? Because kill me.
Piddles?
Hey, little PJ?
[whistles]
PP?
Little PP?
Mr. P?
Where are you hiding?
Are you hiding from me?
Are you hiding from me?
I see you. I see you.
PJ! PJ! Piddles!
[gasps]
tense, dramatic music
No... You're so little!
You're my trigger
Makin' me give in
Oh, I can't help it
Can't help it
Maybe you think all the bad
could decay
But I think there's too much
That I'd need to erase
All my life
I've been misunderstood
-[knocking]
-Tess!
A dark intruder
of the neighborhood
[knocking continues]
You might come
to like the pain
If you fall in love
Hey.
-Hey. What's up? [laughs]
-Um...
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Okay.
I haven't been honest with you.
I never thought
we needed a second bar.
I just bought it because
I wanted to make you happy.
[laughs]
We're in the middle
of a renovation.
I know, I know,
I know, but look,
they didn't even
put the tiles up yet.
They're... They're here--
they're right here.
I understand, I understand.
But...
optimistic music
What if it wasn't a bar?
Then what would it be?
A salon.
It's just an idea that I'm
kicking around, all right?
-So, bear with me.
-Okay...
But on this side over here,
a couple sinks.
All right? And then...
Along this wall right here,
the stations, with separate
floor-to-ceiling mirrors
and some vintage barber chairs.
Huh? Like, ambient lighting.
Maybe a-a lounge area
over in this section, but...
Whatever it is,
it would be small and low-key.
You would be at Dana's and...
I could be here.
This is just something
I've been missing, Tess.
What do you think?
I think... it's bullshit.
Why do you get to make up
all the rules?
I don't, I don't, I don't.
Tess, this was an idea.
[Tess]
No, you do.
You get to fuck
whoever you want...
[Shane]
I apologized for that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now you're coming in here
and just, like, blowing
this whole thing up.
This was my dream.
You are so fucking
self-centered, it's exhausting.
It's like, if you're not happy,
no one's allowed to be.
I can't do this anymore.
Do what?
I can't.
[sighs]
I can't do this. This.
Anymore.
dramatic music
Oh. This?
[laughs]
"Cold Blooded" by Ida Maria
I put my soul on ice...
Fuck you.
I got this question
in my head
Can you wake me
from the dead?
I am
Cold-blooded
I am
Cold-blooded
Purple, not red.
-Hi, guys. How are you?
-Doing great.
Hi. Have the writers
revise the cold open.
Sure.
Oh, hey. Um, cue the music
cue-in later for Margaret.
I don't want to drown out
anything she says
to the audience.
-Thank you.
-Sure thing, Sophie.
[sighs]
We turnin' it up,
we turnin' it on
We turnin' it up,
turnin' it on and on and on
Right, so Margaret's
gonna do your intro.
You're gonna get touches
right before
you go on. And then the band
does have your music, so--
Dani, Dani, Dani.
Are we just gonna pretend like
this morning didn't happen?
Look, this moment is not
about that right now, okay?
It's not about me at all,
really. It's about you.
No, I know, but I--
[Sophie]
Oh, thank God, hey.
We're live-to-tape in 20.
You're gonna fucking kill it.
-[laughs]
-Okay, come on, let's go.
Turnin' it on,
we turnin' it up
Turnin' it on and on and on
[clerk]
Order 152.
I'm sorry we didn't
make it to dinner.
It's okay. Burgers are good.
How are you so calm right now?
[scoffs] I'm not calm.
I'm vibrating at a very high
frequency internally right now.
Just trying to stay mindful,
to reserve my white-hot
anger for him
instead of letting it decimate
some innocent bystander.
[clerk]
Order 153.
I just... I feel like we should
go find him and just...
We can't do that.
We want our daughter
to tell us stuff.
I mean, she didn't even feel
like she could talk to us.
She was right.
So, instead of murdering him,
I think we should just
eat some fries.
gentle music
I feel like we're losing her.
We are.
-She's pushing us away...
-No, don't say it. Don't say it.
...and that's exactly
what she's supposed to be
-doing right now.
-I hate it.
-I hate how it feels.
-I know, I know.
Me too, but we want her to
carve out her own path, right?
And she's ready.
She's so fucking smart.
I know she is.
But it doesn't matter
how smart you are,
because you're gonna
fuck up along the way.
-Yeah.
-Right?
Yeah, you're right.
-[clerk] Order 160.
-[indistinct chatter]
[Tina sighs]
I think I want a number three.
-Hmm.
-That's what I usually get.
-I'm gonna get that.
-Before I forget to tell you,
it was so sexy watching you
stand up for her.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Are you flirting with me?
Maybe.
I think you are flirting
with me.
-Hey.
-Hi, um,
can we get two number threes
-with cheese and...
-Fries.
-Ooh, yeah, fries.
-Fries.
And a large Coke.
-Yeah, we can do that.
-Two straws.
-We're gonna share it.
-[laughter]
Piddles?
[kissing]
PJ? I got your favorite.
Well, it's technically my
favorite but it's got chicken.
-You love chicken.
-[rustling]
Piddles?
[rustling]
Piddles?
I hear you. I hear you.
[screeching]
That's a rat. That's a rat.
Oh! [shudders]
Oh...
[panting]
Okay, I get it.
I stand by my reasons
for doing it,
but I should've apologized
for the rest.
I get it, it's payback.
But karma shouldn't hurt cats.
[meowing in distance]
optimistic music
Piddles? [kissing]
Piddles?
Psst, psst, psst, psst.
[meowing]
Where are you?
[meowing]
Piddles. Piddles!
Piddles, Piddles, Piddles.
Oh, my God.
-[meowing]
-You're so high.
-Okay.
-[meowing]
Um...
Yeah, let's just call somebody.
[muttering] 911?
[line ringing]
[dispatcher]
911. What's your emergency?
Hi, um, okay, this is not
an emergency.
I-I... My cat is-is stuck
in a tree.
-[meowing]
-Can you repeat that?
I'm so sorry.
Like, obviously I did not
tell them to say any of that.
And I know that's exactly
-what you were afraid of.
-Yeah. Well...
And so I, well...
-What are you doing?
-[Hendrix] I'm-I'm packing up
my stuff.
I'm leaving.
Did they fire you?
[Hendrix]
Angie, take a breath.
Everything is okay.
I chose to resign.
You did not have to do that,
I could've...
I could've told whoever
you wanted
that it was me
in the first place.
[Hendrix] Hey, you have
done me a huge favor.
I never should've
taken this job.
Okay? It's been holding me back.
And now...
I can truly focus
full-time on my book.
Oh. Okay.
Good for you.
So you don't work here anymore?
Nope. I'm a free agent.
I'm an unemployed writer.
Now, I got to figure out--
Stop talking.
I can't ignore you
I really, really want you
So, baby, bring it
over to me
Okay, fuck her.
Right?
-Yes.
-Yeah.
Also, there's something
about her face.
-Rubs you the wrong way.
-It does.
Yeah. Don't worry,
she dies in a plane crash.
[laughs]
Thank you for the spoiler.
[both laughing]
I really actually
like this show.
gentle music
-Hi.
-Hi.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
somber music
-Hey.
-[crying] I'm sorry.
-Hey, Carrie.
-I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I didn't expect to feel
this much, you know?
Yeah.
I almost died.
I know, I know.
It hasn't really sunk in yet,
I don't think.
Listen, Carrie,
I'm not going anywhere.
Neither are you.
-Oh, my God, that's so good.
-[mouth full] Oh, my God.
Do you ever miss L.A.?
Mm, no.
Hmm.
Not really.
Mm.
I have you, I could be anywhere.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.
Same.
What if we got, um...
Ah. What if we got married?
You know? I don't know.
Throw a party for our friends
or something like that.
Something fun.
gentle music
That's what the dinner was
supposed to be for.
Really?
Yeah.
-[laughs]
-I can't believe you did that.
[laughs]
Do you like it?
Yeah.
I like it a lot.
-Can I put it on?
-Yeah.
You sure you like it?
My God, it's been in my bag all
night. It's been killing me.
Oh, you're so sneaky.
I don't know how you did that.
-[both laughing]
-I love it.
It's so beautiful.
I love you.
I love you, too.
-Mm.
-I'm just...
I want it on record
that I asked you first.
Oh, okay.
But one could argue that ring
is proof that I had
the idea first.
Okay. One could argue.
But one wouldn't.
No, one most certainly
would not.
[both laugh]
Where have you been?
I've been waiting
my whole life
For someone like you
to keep me on my light
I've been down, I've been up
Where, where, where
are you now?
Sometimes it takes
more time than expected
My patience is running thin
so I keep pretending
I'm not down, I'm not out
But where, where, where
are you now?
Ooh, ooh
[Misty moaning]
Is it you?
[Carrie]
Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Ooh
I found you
I'm not afraid of what's
near and what's coming
I want the love so do away
with the runnin'
I've been high,
I've been low
So when, when, when
will you show?
Yeah
Ooh, ooh
Is it you?
Ooh
I found you
All right, all right,
all right
On my way to better days
I never was good at change
You're the only place
I want to stay
I found you, I found you
I found you
Ooh, I found you
Ooh, it's only you
[sniffing]
You
Oh...
Oh!
Is it you?
Yeah
You
Oh
Honey, I found you
[whooping]
I found you
[applause and cheering]
-[whooping]
-Yeah, Dre!
[Dre] The Lyft driver did not
need to know that about me.
[Dani]
Oh, yes, she did.
She's gonna be like,
"I drove Dre home the night
of their first show."
[laughs]
She's never gonna say that.
Well, I follow her
on Instagram now,
so we'll see who's right
in the end.
Are-are you going somewhere?
Yeah, I'm gonna head home.
Today was the best day
of my life.
And I owe you everything.
-But...
-[zipper closes]
I meant what I said earlier.
I'm falling for you.
tense music
And if...
you don't feel the same way,
I should probably head home.
Protect my heart a little.
So...
Where you at?
[indistinct chatter]
PJ? PJ. Oh, my God.
Oh, here, you should eat this,
it's really good.
-[meowing]
-Hi, honey.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you. Oh.
Was that so scary? Hi, honey.
-Beautiful.
-Hi, Alice.
[meowing continues]
"Bad Idea" by Dove Cameron
Oh, my God. That is so annoying.
Could've said
this day was coming...
-Fuck this day.
-Nice to see you, too.
You know what?
I don't feel the same way,
Tasha.
-I was being sarcastic.
-Okay, well,
as you know,
I have had a very, very bad day.
Oh, have you? And how am I
supposed to know that?
Oh, I don't know,
because I've been in the news
for the last 24 hours
about everywhere.
I mean, you've seen it, right?
They've all seen it.
[Tasha] Well, this may
come as a shock to you,
but I don't actually have a
Google Alert set to your name.
Right. Because you hate
celebrity culture.
It's just so vapid,
it's so meaningless,
and blah, blah, blah.
You never change.
Well, I take that
as a compliment.
It wasn't intended as one.
-[meows]
-Yeah, let's get out of here.
Thank you very much, everybody,
present company excluded,
for saving my kitten.
We're happy together again.
Have a wonderful evening.
Heroes. Heroes.
Something, face to face
Alice, wait.
I know I shouldn't do it,
but I'm gonna do it
Seems exactly
where I shouldn't go
I'm running to it...
There's paperwork.
I got a lot of sins
But you're my favorite
Baby, you're a bad idea
But I could do
a few more years
I've got a little
left in here
Funny how you reappear
In the nick of time
I guess it didn't die
Can't say we didn't try
The L Word: Generation Q...
I can't do anything
that's too...
real right now.
[Dre]
Okay.
What the actual fuck, Taylor?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I am, too.
-By the way, he dies in the end!
-Oh, come on, lady!
You want to start your new life?
Call this exactly what it was.
An awakening.
For both of us.
-Fuck. Oh, my God.
-[Shane] What?
[Angie]
It's someone I dated, briefly.
Bum-ba-dum-ba-dum, bum...
[Shane] Hey, hey.
Grab your shit. Come on.
I love you, but I am not
my full self
when I'm with you, Finn.
I am on my own path,
I am taking swings.
[crying] My mom died.
[Shane]
I'd like another chance.
And I-I want to earn
your trust back.
[Tess] I can't do this
back-and-forth, I just,
I need to get off
this fucking ride.
[Finley]
Are you okay?
No, I think I need to lie--
Hey. Carrie. Carrie!
Yeah, trouble finds me
[siren wailing]
[medic] Her heart rate
is dropping, we're losing her.
[medic 2]
Starting compressions.
I need epinephrine
and bicarbonate going in, now!
[devices pumping, hissing]
-Stay with me.
- In your corner...
She's stabilizing.
-[medic] I've got a pulse.
-[medic 2] She's gonna make it.
Get her to CCU for observation.
[Carrie]
See, she's not dead.
Next season, she has an affair
with a patient
and she goes completely coocoo.
Okay.
Have many times have you seen
this show all the way through?
I don't really want
to answer that question.
-Okay.
-All right?
Let's just say a lot.
-Uh-huh.
-[Finley] Hey.
-[Carrie] Hey.
-[Misty] Hey.
Hey, what did we say
about starting the day
with a balanced breakfast
and a little movement?
Well, we have said nothing,
but you apparently
have said a lot.
Okay, well, the doctor said
you got to get your steps in.
We're trying to heal here.
[Misty]
Yeah, it's only been a week
since your heart attack, babe.
Oh, I find Grey's Anatomy
very healing, you know?
It's gotten me through some
really rough patches
-in my life.
-Thank you. That's nice.
-Well...
-[TV turns off]
-Ah, come on.
-That can be your reward
for doing
your stress test today.
-Yeah?
-Yep, we got a quarter mile
-up an incline, baby.
-Ugh.
Yes, we have to do that.
We're doing that today.
-Yeah.
-[Carrie] All right.
Then you can do
anything you want.
-Yep.
-Including Misty.
[Misty]
Ooh.
Sex as motivation.
I like that. Yes?
-[Finley] Hey!
-The two of you
are really bad, you know that?
-[Misty] Mm-hmm.
-Oh, my God.
Ugh. Ugh. This is not eggs.
No, it's tofu.
Yeah? Well, tofu...
fuck yourself.
No wonder I've never
had it before.
I'm a lunatic
I'm a bitch
I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a
Light up all your shit
Blow a kiss like
Whoa-oh-oh
- I'm a lunatic
- Whoa-oh-oh
I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a
I'm a lunatic,
I'm a bitch...
[TV playing indistinctly]
[woman over TV]
I think that's a great idea.
[woman 2]
Yeah.
[woman] It's nice to know that
I can always depend on you.
[both laugh]
-I love you so much.
-I love you, too.
-Fuck you.
-[door opens]
[Bella] Hey. I was hoping
for chicken nuggets
but all they had was something
called a "fish cake,"
so proceed with caution.
I'm not hungry, but thanks.
[Bella]
G, this has to stop.
Get your sorry ass out of bed,
put on some clothes,
and get to your reading.
I'm not going.
Hendrix can fail me if he wants,
I really don't care.
[sniffles]
You're way too hot to be hung up
on some Hemingway wannabe.
I hope to one day share
that perspective.
I got to run to rehearsal
but when I get back,
you better be gone.
I will definitely be here.
Angie...
I'm serious. I can't see him.
There's nothing in
this whole world that's
-gonna make me want to go.
-[knocking]
[scoffs] Who's that?
Did you invite someone over?
[Bella]
No.
-Surprise!
-Surprise!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-[Tina] Hey.
Wait, what are
you guys doing here?
[Tina] Well, we weren't
gonna miss your reading.
[Bette] We're gonna film it,
is that okay?
No, no, the reading...
It's not a thing.
It's a non-thing.
-Right?
-Yep, a total non-thing.
[Bette]
Well, not according to
the department website.
Are you coming?
-Me? No.
-Yes.
[Bella]
Yes.
-Is something wrong?
-[Angie] Nope.
Is everything okay?
She's nervous.
-[Angie] I'm nervous.
-Oh...
About the reading.
Big nerves about it, so...
Oh, honey, look, come here.
-Sit down.
-Don't... Okay.
You have nothing
to be nervous about, at all.
-That's what I told her.
-It's gonna be great, okay?
Just breathe, like in
your stomach sort of.
Okay. Just... You don't
have to be nervous, honey.
Because you are
an amazing writer.
Yes. And you have
such command of the stage.
You were so terrific
in your high school productions.
I was a stage hand.
And it was memorable.
-Okay.
-[Tina] Well, that's good.
[Angie]
Thanks. I hope that experience
can get me through today.
[Bette]
It will.
And then afterwards we can all
go out to dinner and celebrate.
[whispers] I made a reservation
at Providence.
-[Bella] So bougie.
-Okay, okay.
I guess, um,
-we're all going to this thing.
-Yep.
-Yay.
-Great.
[Tina]
Um, maybe you should, um...
Are you gonna...
Yeah, maybe change?
Uh, maybe just a quick shower.
-[Angie] Mom, stop.
-Maybe just pits and bits.
Or you could wipe just...
-very fast with water.
-Guys.
Or-or whatever you think
is best.
-Totally fine. Okay.
-[Bette] That's-that's good.
[Angie]
Now go, so I can get ready.
-Okay.
-[Tina] You can get ready.
-[Bette] Um, I love you.
-[Tina] We're going.
[Bette]
Break a leg.
[Tina]
Bye. Nice meeting you.
[Bette]
You look great.
[Bella]
They're low-key iconic.
upbeat music
Uh-huh, oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Uh, where she get it?
Uh-huh, uh-uh
[door closes]
Are you sneaking out?
Do you want some coffee?
No, um, I'm good, thanks.
It was really nice
to have you here last night.
I think Mack missed you.
[laughs] He's a good boy.
Um, I was thinking maybe
we could go talk to someone.
If-if you're ready to.
I'm not... yet.
Thought it might be a good idea.
Well, you also thought
it would be a good idea
to fuck another woman, um...
I'm gonna go to the,
um, expansion
and-and meet the tile guy.
I'll see you later.
You can try to fight it
Go ahead, if you dare
No one's gonna help you
This is life, it ain't fair
Do you got it?
Do you got it?
Look at these little
jelly bean toes.
They're so squishy.
Are you looking?
-Yes.
-Like-- Look.
-Ooh! Oh, he's perfect.
-[Sophie laughs]
I mean, his cat box is not
perfect. It's like-- whew.
But I cracked a window.
Oh, look at this one.
Look at this one.
Come on. Have you ever seen
anything cuter?
[Sophie]
Aww.
Yeah, just the other
200 pictures
you showed me of
your kitten yesterday.
Anyway, um, how are those
Rachel questions coming along?
-Oh, so good.
-Okay.
Yeah, I can't believe we're
wrapping this season
with the Rachel Maddow.
I mean, we are living
the queer dream here, so...
[phone chimes]
Ooh, do you have the green? Ah.
There's only two.
-Um, Alice.
-Yeah?
Did you interrupt a movie
at a theater recently?
Who's asking?
Uh, everyone in my DMs.
Apparently James Corden
retweeted the video
and now the hashtag...
-Oh, my God, that guy.
-"AliceSoEntitled" is...
-is trending.
-"Entitled"?
How is that even...
-All right. Yeah, I see it.
-Wait a minute.
Did you yell
at an elderly woman, too?
-Oh, my God.
-What? What...?
Okay, we had a rapport
until she turned on me.
Okay, and-and...
Oh, and then you told everyone
how the movie ended.
Oh, my God, it was an old movie.
Everybody knows
how the movie ends.
-Now everyone's talking about...
-[phones buzzing, chiming]
...all this other bullshit
you've done.
-[chiming continues]
-[murmuring]
Alice, do you know
a guy named Daryl Brewer?
exciting music
[gags quietly]
Oh, God.
All eyes on me
[Finley]
Okay...
All right, here we are.
A quarter-mile incline
with a view, baby.
I'm gonna run up ahead,
find the quarter-mile mark
for us.
-You got this.
-[Carrie] Okay. All right.
Just follow when you're ready.
Stretch out.
-Don't get hurt.
-All right.
[Carrie]
Are you sure?
That looks like longer
than a quarter mile.
Well, it's gonna get
a lot closer once we get going.
-Yeah.
-And then, uh...
we can get going.
[chuckles]
Well, you know, I would,
uh, like that,
I just don't want to
die during it.
You know?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
You know, um...
I wasn't expecting
to feel all these...
feelings with you, you know?
Yeah, me neither.
gentle music
I mean...
I'm not somebody who just,
you know, jumps right into
sex stuff or whatever.
Okay.
I totally understand that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I can't take another heartbreak.
We don't have to do anything
that you're not ready for, okay?
[Carrie sighs]
Obviously.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
But also I'm very good at it.
-You're what?
-[laughs]
I just-- I want you to have
all of the information.
I am excellent at it,
I've had a lot of practice,
it would be a, you know,
shame to miss out, really.
I don't plan on missing out,
Misty. At all. Oh, look,
a family is here.
Hello. This is a family hike.
-No sex talk.
-[Misty] All right, all right.
[Carrie]
It's a family hike, Misty.
-[Misty laughs]
-Come on.
Oh, that's a...
that's an incline.
[Misty]
We got this.
energetic, upbeat music
Up the tempo
Up
the tempo
[Barry] Alice,
I've got the board up my ass
and sponsors ready to pull.
What happened between
you and Daryl Brewer?
I met him at a party.
He was with his boyfriend.
Then his teammate came out
of the closet, which...
was and is a very brave thing
to do, Barry.
-Okay.
-Then Daryl Brewer
goes on national TV,
he gay-bashes him,
so I responded by calling him
a fucking hypocrite
and by doing so, yes,
I guess I outed him.
Oh, Alice.
But she feels
very differently now, Barry.
No, I don't-- No, I don't.
I feel exactly the same way.
[Barry]
People are angry.
They need to see
genuine remorse.
If you can't give them that,
we think it's best if
you cancel the show tonight.
Go home, lay low.
Let this blow over.
Barry? [laughs]
I am not canceling
on Rachel Maddow, okay?
Not my Maddow. Not my Maddow.
We're gonna figure
this thing out, Barry.
We really want to deliver
a great finale for our fans.
[Barry]
That would be ideal, but...
Thank you so much for your
leadership on this.
-We'll get back to you.
-[Barry] All right,
I'm giving you one shot.
Just don't make me
look like an asshole, Alice.
[Sophie]
All right. Thank you, Barry.
All right.
What is the way out of this?
I have no fucking clue.
But we'll find it.
Well, at least you
sounded like you knew.
So, that's a good thing.
What you want, what you need
Got the smoke,
bring the weed
Gassed enough, tryna see
If you got that '93
Right now
Like it, like it, like it
Give me that good loud
Bring it now...
[laughs]
I think I figured it out.
Oh, yeah? The song's working?
[chuckles] I think so.
What's it about?
I'm not telling you that.
Oh, so it's a secret?
Yeah.
-Oh.
-[both laughing]
Well, I like secrets.
-Let me see.
-Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
-Gimme, gimme.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Give me a peek.
-No.
I swear I can feel us getting
close now...
-Come on. Tell me.
-Mm-mm.
So discreetly when
you see me in my Fenty
They on the floor,
floor, floor
Let them inhibitions go,
go, go...
God, I love you.
I mean, I love what
you're doing.
Is what I meant.
Not, like, you.
[phone buzzing]
Um, it's... It's Sophie.
-I'm-a just...
-Yeah.
-Um, please.
-Yeah, okay.
Hey, Soph.
Perfect timing.
[quiet chatter]
[Angie]
They probably can already tell.
They can, like, sniff
this shit out.
[Bella]
I'm the only person who knows
you're banging
the professor, okay?
Was banging him.
Was.
[Hendrix]
Hey, uh, good afternoon.
We're about to get started,
so if you could all please
take your seats.
Thank you.
Bella.
Here, come join us.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
[Bella sighs]
Okay.
You got this. Good luck.
Do I?
[sighs]
You're the best person I know.
I don't know about that.
That's...
Oh, you're smart and kind
and full of life and wisdom.
He's an idiot
and you're a catch.
It's so obvious.
Says who?
gentle music
You got this.
[Hendrix]
Thank you all for coming.
My name is Samuel Hendrix,
I'm the Intro to Creative
Writing instructor.
And, yeah, okay.
Here we are. Um...
I've been excited about this day
the whole semester.
I've gotten to watch
these young writers
really come in to their own.
And now, today,
you all get a front-row seat
at the next generation
of young poets
and writers of all kinds.
So, sit back, relax,
and let's have a good time.
Dani has written hundreds
of these public apologies.
[Dani]
I'm happy to give you a template
and then we can tailor it
together.
Or a better idea,
I could just lean in.
Uh, I don't know, Alice.
"Lean in" sounds like
the opposite of "lay low."
Yeah.
[Alice]
Okay, look, if people really
think that I'm
an out-of-touch...
entitled asshole, then I say
we make a bit out of it.
Uh, I fear that would
make things worse. [chuckles]
Kimmel would do it.
-Um...
-[Alice] Sophie.
You know he would.
Yes, but...
Kimmel isn't a queer woman.
Which is exactly
why I should do it.
I know, Alice, I know.
-I hear you, but...
-[Alice] Listen.
I don't mean any disrespect
by saying this.
But you two do not know what
it was like to be gay back then.
You just don't.
You weren't there.
Somebody with his power
and his status
saying "down with the fags"
was like a normal thing.
-We don't use that word anymore.
-It's the anti-gay F-word.
Well, that's really long
to say, but... Okay.
I just...
I don't regret what I said.
So, I don't think
I should apologize.
Okay.
Alice...
I see you, I really do.
And I get that this is what
you want to do.
But I'm just trying
to look out for the show here.
We're still the only ones
on television.
gentle music
Okay.
I'll give you an apology.
Make you happy?
Yes.
I'm gonna go prep for Maddow.
If you guys come up with
something, come find me.
Okay.
[sighs]
Thank you.
I'm just following your lead.
Where should we work?
Come on.
[student]
A slim opening in the trees
gives way to the dirt path,
which weaves down
the hillside...
[quietly] My car got broken into
a couple days ago.
[student]
Young trees...
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, somebody shattered
the window.
It cost me like 250 bucks
to replace it.
What a terrible inconvenience.
I almost reported a theft.
Until I realized
only one thing was missing.
What was that?
It was that chapbook
you made me.
A criminal with good taste.
Maybe.
Or...
maybe an immature person
whose feelings were hurt,
so they decided to vandalize
somebody's property
for no reason.
I had a very valid reason,
Professor Hendrix.
And you know it.
[student] ...revealing
an aging playground.
Hey, Bella,
do you want some candy?
I have a whole assortment
in my bag if you want some.
Yeah, sure.
She always stocks up
at Duty Free, yeah.
-She's kind of perfect that way.
-Aww.
Well, thank you, that's so nice.
Hey, hey.
-Hi.
-Hey. Come here.
Aww. It's so good to see you.
-I miss you guys.
-Aww, I missed you.
-Hi, beautiful.
-Hello, hello.
Oh, Shane, this is Bella.
Bella, this is Shane.
How you doing, Bella?
Nice to meet you.
Wow, hot aunt.
Okay. I feel that.
-Yeah.
-Where's Tess?
She couldn't make it.
But she sends her love.
Mmm.
[student]
...our ballroom.
A sandbox waiting
to be transformed...
I know it's not easy owning
your own mistakes
and trying to make things right.
I know how that feels.
Mm.
She's a good person.
I know. I know.
She's just, uh...
She's not herself yet.
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
Right?
-I mean, her mom just died.
-Yeah.
You two are trying
to figure things out.
I know, I know, I know.
It's-it's...
It's more than that.
It just, it feels like we're
not moving forward together.
gentle music
Trust takes time.
-Right.
-Mm.
-Time and honesty.
-Relentless honesty.
They've got good
couples therapists
in Toronto, don't they?
[laughs] The best.
-Ah.
-Universal health care.
Oh, okay, that's the secret.
[applause]
[Hendrix]
Beautiful. Beautiful work, Ben.
Next up, we have
Angelica Porter-Kennard.
-Whoo!
-Go, G!
-[Bette] She looks nervous.
-Wait, that's--
-[shushing]
-Shh, she's starting.
tense music
[Angie]
Hi. [clears throat]
Nowhere.
[busy chatter]
[sighs]
-Oh, hi. Oh, nice.
-Hey, you approve?
Kitties everywhere. I love it.
-Hey.
-Hey. What do you think of this?
"Sometimes I lose sight of
my own power and responsibility
as a public figure
and it's in those moments
that I betray myself
and my community."
Mmm. Okay. Uh,
the sentiment's there,
I just think it needs
to be in Alice's voice
just a little bit more.
-Copy.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[phone ringing]
-Oh, uh, one second.
This is Sophie.
[Alice] Okay, okay.
That's a lot of torque.
-Whoo! How many CCs is this?
-Alice.
-What are CCs anyway?
-Hey, Alice.
-Can I get you for a minute?
-Do you know what a CC is?
[Alice]
Yeah, okay, wait.
Here's what
I'm wondering though.
The transition time between
landing with Rachel, right?
And landing the jump.
Also, I think we should walk
it through. Is she here?
Is she here yet?
She's not coming.
What?
Maddow pulled out.
Sophie...
Did she say why?
Alice...
Oh, my...
-[Sophie] But hey, hey.
-[Alice sighs]
We tape in 45 minutes,
we-we-we can call favors.
That's enough time. We can
call people in. It's fine.
Let's just... cancel the finale.
-Excuse me?
-Everyone, canceled!
Alice...
What's the point of all this,
really? If you think about it.
Just like, oh, I get on stage
every week and I'm...
you know, trying to bring
a little joy to everyone.
Just trying to give a voice
to all the queers!
And they turn on me?
It's not fucking worth it, okay?
Just run a, uh, clip show
for all I care.
That, that-- I'm sorry, Sophie.
I'll... I'll pay for it
if it's broken.
Hey. You okay?
somber music
What are you gonna do?
You gonna cancel the episode?
I'm gonna make a fucking show.
"Then I shouted to everyone,
everywhere,
but my voice was heard
by no one, nowhere.
I saw you in the mirror
until I grew up
and realized there's nothing
familiar about you anymore,
you were just empty space
where love once lived."
Thank you.
[applause]
[whooping]
Wait, that's the guy.
-[Bette] Who?
-That's the guy, that's her ex.
-No, no, that's her professor.
-I'm telling you,
that's her ex.
Bella. Is that her ex?
Or is that her professor?
tense music
Um... Uh...
[Tina]
Hey!
Get away from my daughter!
I'm talking to you, Professor!
What are you...?
Mom. Sit down.
-You're making a scene.
-Don't speak!
What is wrong with you?!
[groans]
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, okay.
[takes deep breath]
Margaret Cho is gonna
come back as host,
-she's gonna kill it.
-[Dani] Great.
So, that takes care of our
three-minute opening monologue,
but that still leaves with me
with four to five minutes short
without... Maddow. God.
What about Dre?
They've been working
on new material.
They're new, but...
[Sophie] I've been wanting
to do this kind of thing
for so fucking long.
Make the show about bringing
in new talent.
Queer talent.
[Dani]
Okay, then let's do it.
optimistic music
[Misty]
You're almost there.
-Home stretch. Here we go, Care.
-Just past this line.
[Carrie]
I'm coming. I'm, uh...
-[Misty] Okay.
-[Finley] Come on, right here.
[Misty]
You can stop if you need to.
-Okay. Oh, God, I'm--
-[Finley] Right here.
-Yeah, come on. Right here.
-Come on.
-Come on, you got this.
-[Carrie] Oh, man.
You got this.
A couple more steps.
-Come on.
-A couple more, you can do it.
-Yes!
-Yes! She's a beast, people!
-You did it. Are you all right?
-Please give me...
Just give me a minute,
give me a minute.
-How's the heart?
-I don't know. I don't know.
Here, chug this.
-You need to drink this.
-You okay?
-You okay?
-Yeah. I think so.
What the fuck is in that?
-What?
-Well, it's green powder.
-I thought it'd be good for you.
-Oh, dude.
-It's got vitamins and stuff.
-That's so not...
Come on, Finley, I like my water
clear, like everyone does.
You know, I like my eggs
to be eggs.
The doctor said, you know...
I'm just, I'm trying to help.
I know, but you're
driving me crazy.
Sorry, I just...
I thought I lost you
and it was really fucking scary.
-I know.
-[Finley] I just...
I don't want to lose you,
I love you.
Not in a gay way.
I mean, you know,
we're both gay,
-but...
-Yeah.
I totally get that.
I love you, too.
A lot.
Now, will you help me get down
this fucking hill?
[Finley]
Yep. I got you. Let's go.
-Let's go. Let's go.
-Come on.
-Carrie?
-What?
-I'm super gay for you.
-You are?
-Mm-hmm.
-That's good to know, Misty.
-Oh, boy, my legs are jiggling.
-[Misty] Yeah?
[Finley] It's all right,
it's only a half mile down.
[Carrie] A half mile?
I knew you lied, Finley.
[Finley]
I wanted you to see the view.
[Carrie]
I don't want to see the view.
Oh
You just fucking humiliated me
in front of my entire class.
[sighs] We trusted you to
take care of yourself.
I am taking care of myself.
He belongs in jail.
Okay, why didn't you tell us?
-I...
-Why didn't you tell me?
Because I don't owe you
anything! It's my fucking life!
We obviously need
to move back here.
No, I do not want you here.
-At all.
-Which is clear.
I'm just gonna get a condo
right next to your dorm
and I'm not gonna let you
out of my sight.
-Okay. Okay.
-Okay, okay, okay. All right.
All right, no. For the record,
listen, we're blaming him,
-we're not blaming you.
-What? No! Why?
Oh, honey,
he took advantage of you.
No, he did not.
You're not getting it.
-What is he? Like 27? 28?
-[Angie] Yes.
Yeah, and it was
nothing like that.
That's not the situation.
Honey, you just don't see it
that way right now.
But later you're
gonna understand:
he totally took advantage
of you.
This is exactly why
I don't tell you anything.
You're all acting like
fucking hypocrites.
Like you've never fallen in love
with someone that you shouldn't?
-It's fucking bullshit.
-[Bette] Okay.
Okay. Okay. Um...
Oh, no, okay...
-It's fine.
-[Bette] Okay, okay.
[sighs]
[sighs] All right,
why don't we just, um...
I don't know, why won't we
just go to dinner...
Fuck dinner. I don't--
I don't want--
I don't want to be around you.
Angie, wait up!
-Angie, wait up. Wait up.
-No.
-They just treat me like a kid.
-[Bella] No...
They just fucking humiliated me
and they didn't even
fucking realize it.
Okay, now that I saw.
I saw that.
Like, can you believe how wrong
they all are
about the situation?
Like, they misjudged it
so poorly, you know?
I-I sort of think...
they're right.
What?
Uh, I just mean, um...
I think it's weird.
On his side. Not on yours.
How? I was the one
that kissed him.
I know, but it-it's...
I was the one that told him
that it was okay.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
He was the one
that wanted to get out of it.
I don't want to seem
like I'm a fucking kid
who doesn't know what she wants.
-Because that is not the truth.
-I know.
I'm on your side!
I am on your side!
I just-- He has all the power.
-Okay, whatever.
-That's real.
May I please have my bag?
-May I please have my bag?
-Okay.
Where are you going?
Don't worry about it.
Piddles Junior?
I had the worst day...
getting canceled.
Oh, my God.
What, am I gonna go back
to podcasts? Because kill me.
Piddles?
Hey, little PJ?
[whistles]
PP?
Little PP?
Mr. P?
Where are you hiding?
Are you hiding from me?
Are you hiding from me?
I see you. I see you.
PJ! PJ! Piddles!
[gasps]
tense, dramatic music
No... You're so little!
You're my trigger
Makin' me give in
Oh, I can't help it
Can't help it
Maybe you think all the bad
could decay
But I think there's too much
That I'd need to erase
All my life
I've been misunderstood
-[knocking]
-Tess!
A dark intruder
of the neighborhood
[knocking continues]
You might come
to like the pain
If you fall in love
Hey.
-Hey. What's up? [laughs]
-Um...
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Okay.
I haven't been honest with you.
I never thought
we needed a second bar.
I just bought it because
I wanted to make you happy.
[laughs]
We're in the middle
of a renovation.
I know, I know,
I know, but look,
they didn't even
put the tiles up yet.
They're... They're here--
they're right here.
I understand, I understand.
But...
optimistic music
What if it wasn't a bar?
Then what would it be?
A salon.
It's just an idea that I'm
kicking around, all right?
-So, bear with me.
-Okay...
But on this side over here,
a couple sinks.
All right? And then...
Along this wall right here,
the stations, with separate
floor-to-ceiling mirrors
and some vintage barber chairs.
Huh? Like, ambient lighting.
Maybe a-a lounge area
over in this section, but...
Whatever it is,
it would be small and low-key.
You would be at Dana's and...
I could be here.
This is just something
I've been missing, Tess.
What do you think?
I think... it's bullshit.
Why do you get to make up
all the rules?
I don't, I don't, I don't.
Tess, this was an idea.
[Tess]
No, you do.
You get to fuck
whoever you want...
[Shane]
I apologized for that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now you're coming in here
and just, like, blowing
this whole thing up.
This was my dream.
You are so fucking
self-centered, it's exhausting.
It's like, if you're not happy,
no one's allowed to be.
I can't do this anymore.
Do what?
I can't.
[sighs]
I can't do this. This.
Anymore.
dramatic music
Oh. This?
[laughs]
"Cold Blooded" by Ida Maria
I put my soul on ice...
Fuck you.
I got this question
in my head
Can you wake me
from the dead?
I am
Cold-blooded
I am
Cold-blooded
Purple, not red.
-Hi, guys. How are you?
-Doing great.
Hi. Have the writers
revise the cold open.
Sure.
Oh, hey. Um, cue the music
cue-in later for Margaret.
I don't want to drown out
anything she says
to the audience.
-Thank you.
-Sure thing, Sophie.
[sighs]
We turnin' it up,
we turnin' it on
We turnin' it up,
turnin' it on and on and on
Right, so Margaret's
gonna do your intro.
You're gonna get touches
right before
you go on. And then the band
does have your music, so--
Dani, Dani, Dani.
Are we just gonna pretend like
this morning didn't happen?
Look, this moment is not
about that right now, okay?
It's not about me at all,
really. It's about you.
No, I know, but I--
[Sophie]
Oh, thank God, hey.
We're live-to-tape in 20.
You're gonna fucking kill it.
-[laughs]
-Okay, come on, let's go.
Turnin' it on,
we turnin' it up
Turnin' it on and on and on
[clerk]
Order 152.
I'm sorry we didn't
make it to dinner.
It's okay. Burgers are good.
How are you so calm right now?
[scoffs] I'm not calm.
I'm vibrating at a very high
frequency internally right now.
Just trying to stay mindful,
to reserve my white-hot
anger for him
instead of letting it decimate
some innocent bystander.
[clerk]
Order 153.
I just... I feel like we should
go find him and just...
We can't do that.
We want our daughter
to tell us stuff.
I mean, she didn't even feel
like she could talk to us.
She was right.
So, instead of murdering him,
I think we should just
eat some fries.
gentle music
I feel like we're losing her.
We are.
-She's pushing us away...
-No, don't say it. Don't say it.
...and that's exactly
what she's supposed to be
-doing right now.
-I hate it.
-I hate how it feels.
-I know, I know.
Me too, but we want her to
carve out her own path, right?
And she's ready.
She's so fucking smart.
I know she is.
But it doesn't matter
how smart you are,
because you're gonna
fuck up along the way.
-Yeah.
-Right?
Yeah, you're right.
-[clerk] Order 160.
-[indistinct chatter]
[Tina sighs]
I think I want a number three.
-Hmm.
-That's what I usually get.
-I'm gonna get that.
-Before I forget to tell you,
it was so sexy watching you
stand up for her.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Are you flirting with me?
Maybe.
I think you are flirting
with me.
-Hey.
-Hi, um,
can we get two number threes
-with cheese and...
-Fries.
-Ooh, yeah, fries.
-Fries.
And a large Coke.
-Yeah, we can do that.
-Two straws.
-We're gonna share it.
-[laughter]
Piddles?
[kissing]
PJ? I got your favorite.
Well, it's technically my
favorite but it's got chicken.
-You love chicken.
-[rustling]
Piddles?
[rustling]
Piddles?
I hear you. I hear you.
[screeching]
That's a rat. That's a rat.
Oh! [shudders]
Oh...
[panting]
Okay, I get it.
I stand by my reasons
for doing it,
but I should've apologized
for the rest.
I get it, it's payback.
But karma shouldn't hurt cats.
[meowing in distance]
optimistic music
Piddles? [kissing]
Piddles?
Psst, psst, psst, psst.
[meowing]
Where are you?
[meowing]
Piddles. Piddles!
Piddles, Piddles, Piddles.
Oh, my God.
-[meowing]
-You're so high.
-Okay.
-[meowing]
Um...
Yeah, let's just call somebody.
[muttering] 911?
[line ringing]
[dispatcher]
911. What's your emergency?
Hi, um, okay, this is not
an emergency.
I-I... My cat is-is stuck
in a tree.
-[meowing]
-Can you repeat that?
I'm so sorry.
Like, obviously I did not
tell them to say any of that.
And I know that's exactly
-what you were afraid of.
-Yeah. Well...
And so I, well...
-What are you doing?
-[Hendrix] I'm-I'm packing up
my stuff.
I'm leaving.
Did they fire you?
[Hendrix]
Angie, take a breath.
Everything is okay.
I chose to resign.
You did not have to do that,
I could've...
I could've told whoever
you wanted
that it was me
in the first place.
[Hendrix] Hey, you have
done me a huge favor.
I never should've
taken this job.
Okay? It's been holding me back.
And now...
I can truly focus
full-time on my book.
Oh. Okay.
Good for you.
So you don't work here anymore?
Nope. I'm a free agent.
I'm an unemployed writer.
Now, I got to figure out--
Stop talking.
I can't ignore you
I really, really want you
So, baby, bring it
over to me
Okay, fuck her.
Right?
-Yes.
-Yeah.
Also, there's something
about her face.
-Rubs you the wrong way.
-It does.
Yeah. Don't worry,
she dies in a plane crash.
[laughs]
Thank you for the spoiler.
[both laughing]
I really actually
like this show.
gentle music
-Hi.
-Hi.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
somber music
-Hey.
-[crying] I'm sorry.
-Hey, Carrie.
-I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I didn't expect to feel
this much, you know?
Yeah.
I almost died.
I know, I know.
It hasn't really sunk in yet,
I don't think.
Listen, Carrie,
I'm not going anywhere.
Neither are you.
-Oh, my God, that's so good.
-[mouth full] Oh, my God.
Do you ever miss L.A.?
Mm, no.
Hmm.
Not really.
Mm.
I have you, I could be anywhere.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.
Same.
What if we got, um...
Ah. What if we got married?
You know? I don't know.
Throw a party for our friends
or something like that.
Something fun.
gentle music
That's what the dinner was
supposed to be for.
Really?
Yeah.
-[laughs]
-I can't believe you did that.
[laughs]
Do you like it?
Yeah.
I like it a lot.
-Can I put it on?
-Yeah.
You sure you like it?
My God, it's been in my bag all
night. It's been killing me.
Oh, you're so sneaky.
I don't know how you did that.
-[both laughing]
-I love it.
It's so beautiful.
I love you.
I love you, too.
-Mm.
-I'm just...
I want it on record
that I asked you first.
Oh, okay.
But one could argue that ring
is proof that I had
the idea first.
Okay. One could argue.
But one wouldn't.
No, one most certainly
would not.
[both laugh]
Where have you been?
I've been waiting
my whole life
For someone like you
to keep me on my light
I've been down, I've been up
Where, where, where
are you now?
Sometimes it takes
more time than expected
My patience is running thin
so I keep pretending
I'm not down, I'm not out
But where, where, where
are you now?
Ooh, ooh
[Misty moaning]
Is it you?
[Carrie]
Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Ooh
I found you
I'm not afraid of what's
near and what's coming
I want the love so do away
with the runnin'
I've been high,
I've been low
So when, when, when
will you show?
Yeah
Ooh, ooh
Is it you?
Ooh
I found you
All right, all right,
all right
On my way to better days
I never was good at change
You're the only place
I want to stay
I found you, I found you
I found you
Ooh, I found you
Ooh, it's only you
[sniffing]
You
Oh...
Oh!
Is it you?
Yeah
You
Oh
Honey, I found you
[whooping]
I found you
[applause and cheering]
-[whooping]
-Yeah, Dre!
[Dre] The Lyft driver did not
need to know that about me.
[Dani]
Oh, yes, she did.
She's gonna be like,
"I drove Dre home the night
of their first show."
[laughs]
She's never gonna say that.
Well, I follow her
on Instagram now,
so we'll see who's right
in the end.
Are-are you going somewhere?
Yeah, I'm gonna head home.
Today was the best day
of my life.
And I owe you everything.
-But...
-[zipper closes]
I meant what I said earlier.
I'm falling for you.
tense music
And if...
you don't feel the same way,
I should probably head home.
Protect my heart a little.
So...
Where you at?
[indistinct chatter]
PJ? PJ. Oh, my God.
Oh, here, you should eat this,
it's really good.
-[meowing]
-Hi, honey.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you. Oh.
Was that so scary? Hi, honey.
-Beautiful.
-Hi, Alice.
[meowing continues]
"Bad Idea" by Dove Cameron
Oh, my God. That is so annoying.
Could've said
this day was coming...
-Fuck this day.
-Nice to see you, too.
You know what?
I don't feel the same way,
Tasha.
-I was being sarcastic.
-Okay, well,
as you know,
I have had a very, very bad day.
Oh, have you? And how am I
supposed to know that?
Oh, I don't know,
because I've been in the news
for the last 24 hours
about everywhere.
I mean, you've seen it, right?
They've all seen it.
[Tasha] Well, this may
come as a shock to you,
but I don't actually have a
Google Alert set to your name.
Right. Because you hate
celebrity culture.
It's just so vapid,
it's so meaningless,
and blah, blah, blah.
You never change.
Well, I take that
as a compliment.
It wasn't intended as one.
-[meows]
-Yeah, let's get out of here.
Thank you very much, everybody,
present company excluded,
for saving my kitten.
We're happy together again.
Have a wonderful evening.
Heroes. Heroes.
Something, face to face
Alice, wait.
I know I shouldn't do it,
but I'm gonna do it
Seems exactly
where I shouldn't go
I'm running to it...
There's paperwork.
I got a lot of sins
But you're my favorite
Baby, you're a bad idea
But I could do
a few more years
I've got a little
left in here
Funny how you reappear
In the nick of time
I guess it didn't die
Can't say we didn't try