The L Word: Generation Q (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Quiz Show - full transcript

Alice leverages her 100th episode as an opportunity to find "The One" with help from a special appearance from guest host Margaret Cho. Dani cares for Gigi until old wounds drive them apart. Meanwhile, Shane competes for Tess's at...

Previously on The L
Word Generation.Q.

How'd it go with Nat?

Did she give us permission
to live together?

She didn't say no.

She just said she wants
to know you better.

Are you dating me or her?

Oh, my. Daniela...

I think I'm gonna
go back to school.

I mean, wow,
that's incredible.

Are you
breaking up with me?

Worst first night
of college ever.

I mean, you're
single and in L.A.


This could be,
like, my ho phase.

You and me, let's
open that second bar.

I'll do anything with you.

Oh, no. You've got the itch.

What itch?

Things get too real,

you get restless,

and then you start
to, like, wiggle.

Please. I don't wiggle.

I need to go.


I need to
go! Oh, my God.

You're... you're
not thinking clearly.

You love it here.

You love your
friends and your job.

That's true.

That's all true,
but I love you more.

Please, may I come with you?

No, they just have
something real, you know.

That would be nice.

I'm sorry for reacting

the way I did earlier.

I love you.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact today

You look good,

but we should bring
you in for observation.

Thank you so much.

female, conscious,

presenting with head injuries...


Hey, you.

- Whoa.
- That's my face.

- Sorry.
- Mm.

I think I might have just
pressed glass into your skin.

You've always been
good in crisis.

- Yeah.
- Sorry, ma'am.

Hey, I'm looking
for my girlfriend.

- Yeah, she's there.
- Oh, thank you.


Hey, I got here as
fast as I could.


Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?
- I am okay.

I'll just wait outside.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Sorry.

I'll be right back, okay?


Uh, thank you for getting here

- as fast as you did.
- Oh.

Yeah, I'm her emergency contact,

so I had a head start.

Oh, well, that's...

Which we should
change, you know?

It should be you.


one of you can ride.

Oh, that-that's me.


Well, call me
if you need anything.

I'll be around.

It's going down, down, down

Can you believe

they let me make this
show a hundred times?

Yes. It's gonna
be a great show.

Oh, my God, the
dating show segment?

- Yeah.
- Genius.

Thank you. The
flowers look great.

And all the contestants
have been vetted, right?


Okay, 'cause I'm
looking for the one.

Right. No cults, no
mixed martial arts and...

What do you think?

- Yes.
- You got it.

No improvisers of any kind.

Yeah, that last
one's very important.

What if this really works?

I mean, what if
I find my person?

- Oh, my God! Yeah.
- Wouldn't it be amazing?

- Soso and Allyce?
- That's us.

I'm sorry if I'm
butchering those.

My coworker Kim here got bit
by a pig at her family reunion

and her thumb hasn't
been the same.

- Oh, sorry about your thumb.
- Thanks.

Right, well, I'll
see you out there.



Oh! You. Alice.

Uh, yeah, that's

Yeah, I mean,

I guess I shouldn't be
surprised given where I am,

I mean, physically...

- Oh, in the...
- Here. Yeah.

- Yeah. Lines up.
- Yeah.

'Cause the show's
called Alice...

Hang on.

I can add a little
something special here.

Kim usually does the latte art,

but I'll give it my best shot.


- Oh, you made a, um...
- I can do a heart,

but that just felt
a little obvious,

so I went with chaos.

Or a little modern art.

It was
nice to meet you.

- Yeah, you, too.
- Good luck on the show.

Oh, are you gonna
stay and watch?

No, no, no, no.

Um, I'll have to overanalyze
this conversation

for like two hours, so...

Why? It's going so well.

No, you should stay and watch.

It's-it's nice to have
real fans in the audience

and not just confused
tourists who think

they're here to see Ellen.


Okay, great.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Going to the new bar.
Want to break some shit?

- Uh... yeah.
- Yeah?

That actually sounds
like a dream come true.

Let's go.

Holy shit.

Let's have some fun.

If you're horny, let's do it


You think I'd be,
like, good at school?


You know, like, college.

I don't know. Were
you any good before?

No, not really.

Yes, I love that place.
I'll meet you there. Um...

Sorry, can you hold
on just one second.

Um, hi. What the hell do the
two of you think you're doing?

We don't start demo
until tomorrow.

I know. I
know, I know, I know,

but we got a head start, and
look how much we got done.

I mean, check that out.

Come on. Come
on, have a whack.

It's a maj stress
reliever. Have a whack.

No, Finley, I don't
want to give it a whack.

All right. Your loss.

Oh, shit! Fuck!


I'm gonna stop the water.

I got it! I got it!

Finley, go around the corner.

It's not a big deal, Tess.

- Truly. Just calm down.
- You there?

Yeah, actually, can
you meet me here?

Great, I'm gonna text you
the address right now.

Okay, bye.

This is exactly why

you should not be
fucking around in here.

- It's just...
- I have got so much

on my plate already
and now, this.

- Tess, it's just an accident.
- You're gonna have to tell Alice

that I can't make it tonight

because I'm gonna be here
waiting for a plumber.

Why? No, no, no.

I can help with that.

Your help is how this happened.
So thanks, but no thanks.

All right, then.

I should just stay
out of your way then.


- Yeah.
- Yeah, I will.

Oh, my God.

Did you get
the chocolate fountain?

Yup. Whatever Alice
wants, I'll make it happen.

It's her show.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, leaving now.

- All right, see you there.
- Bye.

Hi and bye.

Have you seen my other
earring? Is it in the bathroom?

I didn't see it.

Mm. I'm sorry.

Just borrow a pair of mine.

Your car's gonna
be here at 3:00.

He's usually a
little early, so...


Not that early.

Oh, it's...


- Hi.
- Hi.


Sorry, what are you...
what are you doing here?

Oh, hi. Uh, Gigi
just called me.


I can't get ready on my own,

and I didn't want
you to be late.


Happy to help.

- Right.
- Yeah.

No. Sure, that's great.

Yeah. Um, I will...

see you... both

at Alice's show later then?

Oh, yeah.

I will be there.

Margaret Cho is
on my bucket list.

- Not to...
- Great.

Fuck, just meet.

Sure. Right. Um...

All right. I love you.

Love you.


- Hi!
- Hi.

How are you doing?

Uh, I feel like shit.

But I'm on a lot of drugs.

- Nice.
- No, I'm good.

I've had five days off.

I can't remember the last
time I had five days off.

Oh. Well, I actually
do remember.

Yeah, it was when you got hand,
foot and mouth from the kids,

and I don't think you went out
in public for, like, a week.

Okay, fine.

Last time was when I had
hand, foot and mouth.


Do you want to talk about...

what happened the other night?


All right.

I mean, honestly, it was...

it was nothing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Mm. Yes.

Yeah, no, no. It's-it's
good, Mom, I swear.

Jordi's just... having
trouble with boundaries

and, like, texting me a lot.

But I'm fine, you know?

I'm-I'm excited for
class, you know?

I feel like it's, um...

a fresh start, you know?

Okay. I love you.

Yes. Yes, yes, it's
on my keychain.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

Hey, y'all! Um, my
name is Samuel Hendrix.

I am your professor.

We're gonna investigate our own
individual creativity, 'kay?

Um, I am a poet,

a songwriter, a
lousy piano player

and I wrote a book once.

That therefore qualifies me

to be your Introduction to
Creative Writing instructor.

Welcome, y'all.

- Okay...
- Fuck me.


we're gonna...

we're gonna jump right in.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Happy 100th.

The chart.

- Right?
- Oh!

God, where it all began.

Just a reminder of
your humble beginnings.

I love it. Let's hang it.

Take that down. I can't
stand this picture.

I did your hair for that.

Well, I like my hair. I just...

This is better.


Love it!

- Ugh. Oh...
- Do you still talk to her?

- No. No, no.
- She was really cute.

Um, Bette and Tina got me

- those flowers.
- That's nice.

- Pretty.
- Glad they're making it work.

Mm. Tom got me a
basket of Bic pens.

- That's odd.
- Well, you know, I turned down

- the marriage proposal.
- Right.

But he's still able
to be a good friend.

Or he's still hoping.

Honestly, either way is fine.

Is this for me, too?

- What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- This one.

That's just my
old hair products.

Oh. Yeah, I don't want that.

I know you don't, but Ivy does.

And I figured I'd
give 'em to her, so...


Do you know where
I can find her?

Yeah. Over here.

You two really hit it
off the other night.

- No, it was just work.
- Mm.

Where's Tess?

Unfortunately, she's
not able to make it.

So she wanted me to
send you her love.

Well, I'm sorry
she's gonna miss it.

Me, too.

Oh. Real quick...

Don't sit in the front.

I don't want to
give too much away,

but there is a lube

It might get a little messy.

How do you come
up with this shit?

Okay, so, VIPs are gonna hang

- in the Alice lounge.
- Huh.

I got this queer
winemaker to sponsor it.

Um, the list is getting
pretty long though,

so I'm thinking we do
overflow in the greenroom.

All right, that sounds... good.

I mean, that'll work.

- Um...
- Oh, hey, how's Gigi?

Uh, you know, ribs
take a while to heal.

But other than that, she's fine.

Okay. Well, hey,

when's she's feeling better,

why don't you guys
come over for dinner?

- With me and Finley.
- Uh...



I said maybe.

Come on.

- This bitch.

There's also, I think,
like, a pipe or something

- rattling in the ceiling.
- Okay.

Could be animals.

- Rats.
- Uh-oh.

I stopped feeding 'em.

Okay, I'm gonna
check everything out.

Okay, great. Thank you.

If you need anything
from me, just come

and find me. I'll
be here all day.

- Sounds great.
- 'Kay.

Tess, please don't stay here.

I'm the one that broke the pipe.

I know, but...

Listen, you shouldn't have
to stay with the plumber.

I-I want to. Really. Please?

No, it's fine.

My sponsee's already
on the way and...

I got the highlighter.
I got the book.

I know the AA deal.

- I can't ask you to do that.
- No,

you're not asking.


I want to.

Let me make this right.

Come on. Go be with Shane.

I was...

way harsh on her earlier.

Next week's gonna
be a deep dive into structure,

so be ready for that.

Also, if you want to
hear some great writing,

my buddy is doing a reading
at the campus bookstore.

Hi, excuse me. Will you
just wait one second?

- Yeah.
- Um, yeah, that's it.

Um, hi.

Uh, I have a quick
question for you.


it is you, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
knew it was you.


Um, yes, I just...

I wanted to say
I'm sorry about...

like, kissing you
the other night.

Um, just please know that
won't, like, ever happen again.

I had just broken up
with my first girlfriend

who I was in love with,
and my moms are, like,

getting back together, which
is, like, a whole thing.

And it's my... It's my
first week of college.

Anyway, I just want you to know

if-if you want me to, like,
drop your class, I totally will.

I'm happy you're in my class.


Okay. Great.

I'll see you next week?

See ya.

Give Alice five.

I thought
you gave Wardrobe ten.

Yeah, but we got to give Alice
five so she gets here on time.

- Oh, gotcha.
- No, no, it's yours.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- You don't need to thank me.
- Five minutes.

That was collecting
dust in my garage.


This is literally liquid gold.

Y'all hear that?
Nobody touch my shit.

- This is a no-fly zone.
- Okay, okay.

15 minutes till showtime.

All right, I'm gonna
go get my seat.

You don't want to
hang back here?

This is where all the fun is.

I feel lots
of love here, people.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

- You know what time it is.
- All right, can I get you

any water or anything?
You want some...

Oh, I heard there was champagne.

No, you're... I mean, you're
probably busy. I-I could get it.

- No, I-I can get it.
- You're so busy.

I will get it.

- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you feeling?

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

- Go do your thing.
- Okay.

Well, the show starts in ten,

if you need anything
before then.

Oh! I do.

Uh, these are for Alice.

Yeah. I wanted

to get her flowers, but
the lady by the side

of the freeway only had
oranges today, so...

there you go.

S-So you got oranges?


- Yep.
- Wonderful.

I'll see she gets these.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.


I feel like she didn't
think that was funny.

I wouldn't take it personally.


You got some fluff in your hair.


- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Got it?

Hair's looking healthy.

You finally using new products?

Yeah, actually.

It's, uh, called
Grape Jelly by Eli.

Yeah, it's applied by just
flinging it across the table.

It's in high demand.

I'll try and get you his number.

I saw you when I got hit.

Yeah, I-I can't believe how
fast I was able to get there.


The way they say your life
flashes before your eyes.

I saw you and the kids.

My family.

I'm sure it was
just... the adrenaline.

- You know? That's all.
- Here you go.

Oh, thank you.


What are they?

That's right.

Um, she didn't
bring you a glass.


You know what? That's
okay. Actually,

I think I have a
reusable straw in here.

Let's see.


- Hi!
- Hi.

- Carrie, right?
- Yes, hi.

- Hi, how are you?
- I'm good.

- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you. You, too.

You know, Tess described
you so perfectly.

- Oh.
- She said, "Leonardo DiCaprio

from Romeo + Juliet."

And with the hair and
everything, I totally see it.

Wow, that is weirdly the nicest
thing anybody's ever said to me.


God, I must be on some kind
of gender journey, huh?

Yeah. I wouldn't know
enough about that to say.

So what do we do?

Uh, yeah, sit down.

- Right here?
- Yeah.


Wait, so how do you know Tess?

I hit rock bottom.
I went on a bender.

That's when Tess
became my sponsor.

So, I'm here

to tell you about the
tsunami of depression that...

kicked my ass after I found out

that my fiancée got
back with her ex.

- Shit.
- Yeah.

Well, we got this
puppy to guide us.

- So, silver lining.
- Okay. Right.

- Yeah, it can't hurt, right?
- Yeah.

But, listen, I got to
hit the head first.

I, like, pounded, like, a gallon
of iced tea on the way here.

Course. Uh, the
water's out in here,

but right around the
corner is Dana's.

Pop in there,
there's a bathroom.

Okay, great. And, listen, I got
a free sub with my punch card.

If you want one, take it.

Oh, sweet. Thanks.

What-what is it?

Uh, it's turkey and
cheese, no dressing.

I don't like wet bread.

Copy that.

Kegel and hold.
Kegel and hold.

Don't sneeze.

Oh, no. Don't sneeze.


Almost there.

Oh, occupied!

- Oh, geez!
- Oh.

- Oh, my, oh...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- No, no, no, no, no, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, let me look at it.

- Oh, it's really coming out.
- Is it? Oh, no.

There's no, um, toilet paper.

- You...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, it hurts when I laugh.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, it's in my mouth.
I taste the blood.

- What do we do?
- Oh, I have an idea.

- Come here, come over here.
- I need something.

Come over here, come over here.

Okay, it's working.

It feels okay, actually.

- It looks amazing.
- Thank you.

Okay. Um, this one?

- Yes?
- I'm going to take it out,

because it was kind
of really bleeding,

so I'm gonna stick a new one in.

- Okay. Right.
- Okay?

Okay, here we go. You ready?

- Go. Gentle.
- Okay.

Don't freak out,
don't freak out.

We did it.

Oh, I can breathe again.

- Not for long.
- You got it?

- I'm going to jam it slowly...
- Oh? Yeah, that's nice.

- You okay?
- Not too hard.

- You good?
- That's good.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Looks good.
- My name's Carrie.

- I'm Misty.
- It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, yeah.

You do well under pressure.

It's a good thing I know so
much about leaky pipes, I guess.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Holy shit, what
the hell happened?

- It's a long story.
- Yes, it is.

Yeah, we're all good, though.

- Yeah, we're good. Yeah.
- Yeah. Don't worry.

Oh, there's, like,
no toilet paper

in this whole entire bathroom.

Oh, that's actually my fault.

I, um, yeah, I was
supposed to do that.

- Okay.
- Are you sure you're good?

- Yeah, yeah. We're good.
- We're good.

- You're good.
- We're good.


All right,
contestants, are you ready?

Here are your
microphones, all right?

You're gonna talk
into them like this,

blah, blah, blah.

- Wait a minute.
- Somebody cut her off.

Where's contestant number three?

these Beyond Beef,

or are these the real deal?

Guys, just be
aware of what's going on.

you don't know.


Fuck my life.

You know, I'm much
better with emotional ties.

This feels a little
more literal.

But it does remind me a lot of
a relationship I was in once.


I did it!

Thank you.

tight, everyone.

15 minutes until
the next segment.

There's nothing suspicious
about anything you're doing.

What, am I not being discrete?

Uh, no. You'd be a
terrible criminal.

Oh, please. I could
commit crimes.

Yeah, and not get away with it.

That's just mean. It's
mean and it's wrong.

I could... kill.

Or maybe
pillage something.

Can I tell you something?


I keep trying to understand what
I was feeling in that moment.

Like, what it means
that I saw you.

Do you think it means anything?

Are you smizing at me?


Smizing? From Top Model?

Can you please stop
making me laugh?

- My ribs are bruised.
- What? What do you watch?

My ribs are bruised.

Well, stop saying
ridiculous things.

You're the one being ridiculous.

Um, actually, you're the
one with a head injury.

You were concussed and now
you're drinking on painkillers,

so I'm pretty sure you're
not thinking straight.

Safe to say.

- We met at 18.
- I know.

- Well, you were 19.
- No, you're older than me.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- I-I always mix that up.
- I know, I don't understand.

- You were 18?
- Yes.

- Dani, Dani, Dani!
- Thank you so much.

- Dani, I need a favor.
- Thank you.

Why don't you carry
your own tampons?

- What? No. I...
- Hi.

I-I lost a contestant
for the dating game,

and I need someone.

Can you please do it for me?

in six, six minutes.

No. I have to go get Billie
Jean off the red carpet.

She won't stop smiling
for the cameras.

You do it. You got it. Go.

God! Why are you the worst?

All right,
everyone in the audience,

we are gonna start in
just a few minutes.

Please take your seats.

You know, your timing could not
have been more perfect, really.

Well, I'm just glad it's
getting put to some good use.

You know, I
think I need, like,

a little bit of a revamp.

I've just been on
those dating apps.

Like, they're terrible.

- Oh, those dating apps... yeah.
- Absolutely terrifying.

Yeah. And I've been out the
game for like... two years.

- Two years, huh?
- Yeah.

- I had a kid.
- I know you had a kid.

You mentioned that
when I met you.

You don't seem like the type
that wants to see pictures

so I'm not gonna show you.

I'd see, I'd see it if
you'd like to show it to me.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'm not against it.


She is everything

and she has also sucked me dry.

I just don't feel like
myself all the way, you know?


I can relate to that.

I think I need to get
back on the horse.

I think you're
gonna do just fine.

Hi, guys. I need
a favor. Um...

Can you get her ready
in, like, four minutes?

- She's not talking to me.
- We'll do it.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, amazing.

- Okay, sit down.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What's your name?

- Taylor.
- Hi, Taylor.

I'm Ivy, this is Shane.

- Hey, Taylor.
- Hey.

Yeah, we're gonna take
really good care of you.

Do you have any
do's, any don'ts?

Uh, just no red lipstick.

My mom subjected me to
pageants as a toddler,

so it's very triggering.

Okay. Take it away.
Do your thing.


May I?


And we're rolling.

Welcome back
to my 100th episode.

As many of you know,
I'm currently single,

so I figured what better
way to meet someone,

than on TV in front
of a studio audience?

So to help me out today,

we've brought the original
bisexual comedienne,

a woman who has paved the
way for so many of us,

my first crush, my
friend, Margaret Cho!


Thank you!

Oh, this is so exciting.

So, you know how this works,
we have some contestants,

we're gonna ask
them some questions.

Alice is gonna decide

amongst three candidates
who's best, right?

Yes, well, you're
going to help me.

I'm gonna be
making some snide commentary

from over here...

It's gonna be so fabulous.

- I'm so excited.
- Sounds dreamy.

- Let's start. Okay.
- I love it.


Contestant number one,

tell me about yourself.

- Hi, Alice.
- Oh.

- Ooh, that is a deep baritone.
- Okay.

I'm into it.

I'm from a small
town in Montana,

where rush hour is
a moose in the road.

Oh, this is gonna be simple.

Um, Ivy, can you grab me

that product in your bag?

Yeah, I just want
to see what it is.


Uh, just find a nice backdrop
outside or something.

Get singles, get
groups. I need options.

Thank you. Hi.

Everything looks so good.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go home.

Oh, it's early. Are
you feeling okay?

Yes, but I just really
want to get back.

Okay, okay. I'll
call you a car.

No, no, no. Don't
worry about it.

Nat's going to take me.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

I mean, what's going
on with you and Nat?

- Nothing is going on.
- Okay.

- We can talk more later.
- No.

I'd like to talk about it now.

Contestant number one,

why don't you tell me
how you spend your days?

I'm a veterinarian
for a nonprofit

that rescues animals
from natural disasters.


He's perfect.

Definitely a serial killer.


Okay, let's move on to
contestant number two.

Can you beat the butt-dialing
rescue vet from Montana?

I'll try.

Um, I was born in India,
raised in New York.

Uh, I run a cold storage
start-up for NFTs.


- Cold storage for NFTs?
- I have no idea what that means.

Number two,

what is the most
embarrassing thing

that's ever happened to you?

The most embarrassing thing

that's happened to me was
I threw up in the front car

of a roller coaster,
on a first date.

- Ooh...
- Wow.

Looks great.

I don't know why

I have to be on TV
right now, but...

All right, we're done. Let's
go, we got to go, we got to go.

- Come on.
- Okay, okay.

Oh, wait, don't forget this.

You want a girl that
can just, you know,

really go up...

- And down. Yeah.
- And go down.

We like that...

All right,
good luck, have fun.

- She looks great.
- She does, yeah.

Okay, contestant
number three.

Same question.

- Number three?
- Don't be shy.

Don't be
shy, number three.

- Okay, go answer the question.
- Number three?

Okay, okay. What's
the question?

Say something funny
about yourself.

Um. Something,
um... I'm, uh...

Something funny about me?

I'm from Normal, Illinois.

That's more
of a fact than a joke,

but, okay, I'll play.

What's so normal about it?

And would I fit in?

Um, uh, the people,

I-I guess, make it normal, um...

That voice sounds so familiar.

So, number three, what's
the most embarrassing thing

that's ever happened to you?

I mean, well, this moment

would have to be up there.

And, number three,

who is your hero, and why?

Oh, gosh, um... was
it animal or human?

Aw, that's so cute.

- All right, I got one for you.
- What's that?

One time, after a bottle of
Goldschläger, remember that?

One-way bus ticket,
Kansas City to L.A.

Just picked up
everything and moved.

God, I hate moving.

It's like the worst
thing in the world to me.

Yeah, but at least
I used to do stuff.

It's like, being sober

makes it harder to make
those moves, you know?


Like, I've got a whole list
of shit I just haven't done.

Really, like what?

I mean, I got this
college application.

It's been saved on my
desktop for months.

It's due at midnight,

and I just, like, I
can't pull the trigger.

you got to do that

or you're gonna regret it
your whole life, you know?


So everything's done.

Um, if you have any problems,
your boss has my info.

Again, I'm-I'm really
sorry about everything.

- Yeah.
- Really, the nose and, you know.

But the tampons worked.
Your nose looks perfect.

I think it looks
better than when I came in.

- It was fun, so...
- Yeah.

You know, it was...
It wasn't good,

but it was good, you know?

- Right. Okay.
- All right.

- Bye. It's, um...
- Yeah, sorry.

Good night.

You like her.

I don't know her.

You ask her out, I'll send in

my college application.


- Wait, what?
- Deal.

No, I was fucking around!

- No, you send that shit.
- Fuck.

Wow, she's doing it. Okay.


Holy shit, I did it.

- I did it. Did you do it?
- I did it.

I did it!

Can you believe it?

- No!
- Thursday night.

- You got a date.
- Well, no.

- It's not actually a date.
- What is it?

I sort of joined
her bowling league.

I'm the newest member of

"I Can't Believe
It's Not Gutter."

You know what?

Playing the long
game. I'll take it.


Mama, Gloria,

I'm heading out now.

Don't be late, Deb, I've
got a shift at 8:00.

Mama, it's me.

Remember, your sister
Deb is in Florida.

Oh, right.

You never should've married him.

of songs of yesterday,

here's Carly Simon with her
hit, "You Belong to Me."

This is my song.

Oh, my God.

She used
to blast this song

in the car when she
would drive me to school.

Like, lean out the window
smoking cigarettes.

It would piss all the
other moms off so much.

I believe it.

Carly Simon once bummed
a cigarette from me.

You never told me
that. That is so cool!

There's certain things a mother
should never tell her daughter.

Come dance with me, come on.

I would love to.

So you've been
working here how long?

Like six, seven months... ish?

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Surprised I hadn't met you.
- Well, you didn't look.

- I didn't know.
- Oh, okay.

You know, it didn't take
you that long to, like,

jump right back in.

- And you did that, so...
- No, no, no, no, don't...

You can't give me
that kind of credit.

I was... I was
following your lead.


Come with me.

So, what-what is going
on between you two?


I can feel it, okay?

On the ambulance,
our lips touched.

It was nothing.

- It was an accident.
- Are you trying to hurt me?

Of course I'm not
trying to hurt you.

Okay, then, what
we have is good.

Why are you doing this?

We have a good thing.

I'm just...

I'm confused.

You're confused?

When I... got hit...

I saw Nat and the kids.

And not me.

I don't know what it means.
That's why I'm telling you.

What are you saying
to me right now?

I don't
know, I need time.

Okay. You take your time.

I'm done.

And this all
happened in the backseat

of the family Astro van.

Oh, shit. Um, you know what?

Uh, Miss Cho, could you actually
just forget I said that?

Oh, contestant three,

I don't think I can
unring that bell.

There's no shame in masturbating
in the back of your family's car

as long as your
family's not there.

No shame at
all, three. No shame.

For me there is a little.

Oh, you know what
that bell means,

we have time for
one last question.

- What do you think, Alice?
- I think I'm ready.

- Okay.
- It's very simple.


Why do you want to date me?

What's not to love?


Smart, sexy and beautiful.
The full package.

We should do this every episode.

Uh, well, they promised me

a coffee mug if I
did the show, so...

The free mug?

Wow. What
do you say, Alice?

Loveable, full
package, free mug.

And unlike women's
reproductive rights in America,

this choice is entirely yours.

I don't know, Margaret.
They're all so dateable.

Mm... There's one person

that I would like to
get to know better.

Contestant three, I choose you!

three, come on down.

Two and one,

uh, meet me in my dressing room.

- You.
- It's me.

The coffee stand.


You're funny.

For a
regular gal. Yeah.

All right.

We're here, we're queer!

And we have love.

- Love is love is love!
- Love it.

Until the Supreme Court
takes that away from us, too.

And pee after sex,
everyone, don't forget!

Thank you so much for
having me, Alice, thank you.

Good night, everyone!

Are you okay?


You can sleep on my
couch, if you want.

No, I'm fine on my own.

But you should
really let me drive.

Oh, don't worry, I
only had a couple sips.

I just mean you're
a really bad driver.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

- Whoa!
- Jesus, what is...

What is that?

- Can you please drive?
- Fuck you!

- They're my oranges!
- Yeah, go!

- Can you please drive?
- Those are a gift!

- Nat, could you please drive?
- I spent $20 on them.

I understand, could
you please...?

- That was for my ex! Our ex.
- Jesus.

so much.

I'll see you tomorrow,
okay? Good job.


What the hell happened to you?

This is the second time

that the person I wanted to
marry ran off with someone else.

Ha ha.

Oh... orange?

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, you're gonna be okay.
- Mm.

You got this.
You'll bounce back.


You're the most
together person I know.

Not anymore.

Turns out, that's you.

I don't... mm, I
don't know about that.

You're crushing at work.

Made it through
rehab with Finley.

Hey, um,

I was just gonna grab my
stuff and go home.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, uh...

You want to come over?

Um... Are you...?

Are you trying to get back
together with me right now?

Because, um...

No. No, no.

Not a fucking chance.

Yeah. I'll see you
at the house then.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

See you later.

I was, like, this
close to falling.

I was like...

Hey! We did it!

Great job,
everybody. Great job.


Are you-are you leaving?

The party's just
getting started.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just
gonna head home.

You don't want to cash
in on that big date?

- Really, no, it's-it's okay.
- Oh.

I mean, hey, I-I
got the free mug.

They threw in two
extra T-shirts, so...

- Nice.
- I'm good.

Yeah, that's enough.

- Hey, listen...
- Yeah?

Really, congratulations
on everything.

I mean, you should be
really proud of all of it.

Big chef's kiss for
you and your big night.

Um, you're not regular.

Yes, I am.

Well, so am I.

There's a 45-foot
picture of you outside.

Okay, I've been you.

A long time ago, I
dated someone famous

when I wasn't, so I
know it's different.

But I'm just a person.

And I like your
weird sense of humor.

You know, that's, that's
not the compliment

I think you think it is.

And you're cute.

Well, you know, I can't speak
to that one so much, so...

Come on, one date.
One regular date.

What do you say? Just...

You can keep the T-shirts.

I don't know about the mug.

I cannot believe I missed
Alice in a straitjacket.

I know, and that Velcro target?

Oh, my God, that was a hit.

- It was so good.
- I'm sure.


Well, um, yeah, I think

- Shane's backstage somewhere...
- Hey, Tess.

You showed up.

- Hi.
- Hi.


- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh.

I would have been here sooner,

it's just my mom was
having this, like,

- really amazing moment...
- It's okay, it's okay.

- Yeah, it's okay.
- Okay.


I'm sorry I snapped
at you earlier.

All is forgiven.


But I think they wrapped,
didn't they, Sophie?

- Oh.
- Yeah, we wrapped.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, but there's...

there's a party.

I know, but I'm exhausted.

- Okay.
- Is that okay?

Can we just go home?

That's okay, let's go home.

- You sure?
- Yeah, let's go home.

I'm sorry you drove
all the way over here,

- but is that all right?
- No, it's fine.


Thank you, Sophie.

Bye, guys,
have a good night.

- Bye.
- Bye, Soph.


Great show.


Uh, same-same to you.


What'd I say?

Relax, I'm just going to
get something to drink,

go to my room,

and you can have your
special night with Sophie.

- You'll be fine.
- Thank you.

- I love you.
- Yeah. You, too. Hey.

Hey, you know, if
there's any leftovers,

that steak looks amazing.

It's chicken.




- What is this?
- We're celebrating.

- We are?
- Yeah.

- Your 100th episode.
- Aww.


I applied to college.


- What?
- I know.

That's amazing.

- I know.
- I'm so excited for you.

So I thought we could,
you know, celebrate us,

and have a little
romantic dinner, and then,

- you know, maybe after...
- Oh, okay.


- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey. Sorry.

I tried to call
you. Gigi broke up with her.

Figured I'd come piss in
your hallway for a change.


I mean, if that'd be helpful,
by all means, please do.


Now what I really want to do
is pull you into a big old hug.

- You shouldn't do that. Yeah.
- And I won't.

Is that cake?

- Yes, it is.
- I heard Dani.

Which means it's
not a date night.

- Not anymore.
- I want some of that cake.

- Wait, you made cake?
- No.

I was with the, uh,
plumber all day.

But I picked up tres leches,

and I also found out what
the tres leches were today.

Uh, what did you think
they were before?


Cow, goat and breast.

- Wow.
- No.

So, you thought they
put breast milk...?