The L Word: Generation Q (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - LA Times - full transcript

Dani is forced to get involved in Bette's personal life, Shane grapples with a big decision, Alice is profiled by a newspaper, Finley struggles with her growing feelings for Rebecca, Micah still doesn't know where things stand with José.

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Previously on
The L Word: Generation Q...

Good morning, everyone.

I fudged the priest.

I don't know

what you believe in,

but I think that
we met for a reason.

Tess, she's good with people...

not always with me.

Hey, hi.

I'm really sorry.



I have to cancel.

How's wedding planning coming?

I made a call and scheduled

us a tour of the Biltmore.

I don't want to feel

uncomfortable at my own wedding.

Couples compromise all the time.

Yeah, I'm happy
to compromise with you.

I'm just not about
to compromise

with your dad.

How does sleeping

with Felicity Adams make you

qualified to be the mayor?

You still don't know
why she's running, do you?



No, I guess I don't.

Are you sure that it's over?

I have divorce papers

sitting in my drawer right now,

so, pretty sure it's over.

Why are you hanging out

at a sports bar?

I-I bought it.

Lena, this is not a good idea.

I wish I had met you
20 years ago.

Is that so?

Mm-hmm, I was
a musical theater minor

at Howard.

Why am I not surprised?

And I was dating
a guy named Leonard

because, 20/20 hindsight,

-I loved his sister Ashley.
-Mm-hmm.

And I would write
monologues about her

and perform them in class.

I would've written them
about you.

I'm so glad I'm not 20.

Wouldn't want
to go back there.

No, never.

But what do you want?

Mm... better
cup of coffee

and another fruit bowl
would be great.

No, I mean what do you
want for us?

Right now...

...all I want is this.

So beautiful.

I love you.

Um, what are you
doing tonight?

Actually, I have
this party to go to

if you want to come.

Oh, I wish I had known.

Actually, I'm having some
friends over for dinner tonight.

And I was wondering
if you wanted to come to that.

Hmm...

okay.

What kind of friends
are we talking here?

Couple priests
and a rabbi or what?

Yeah, kind of.

Oh, shit.

Are you gonna be able
to get over this?

'Cause I'm starting
to have real feelings for you.

Shane, you got that?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna grab that.

I'll be back.

Happy birthday, roomie!

My God, you're too loud.

This came from
Alice, Bette, and,

uh... me?

What the fuck, dude?

Why didn't you tell me
it was your birthday?

Are you really 40?

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

Is that scary?

Uh...

no.

Right.

All right, where
do you want this stuff?

Anywhere but here.

Copy that,
going up.

Hey, um...

do you mind if I sample

a little summer sausage?

No, whatever you want.

Tight.

Hey.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, dude.

Mmm, good morning,
my love.

Good morning.

Where you
going, love?

Going for a run.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

-Mm.
-Look at that

beautiful face.

-Morning.
-What's up?

Hey, you got any O.J.?

I just housed
a summer sausage,

and it was
super salty.

Yeah, I think we're out.

Hmm... oh.

That's all right.

This will do.

You good?

Yeah, it's
just...

Dani's doing
her weird distant thing.

How about you?

How's your lover priest?

Good, good.

Yeah, good.

Sex is great.

-Oh, good.
-Yeah.

I do feel pretty guilty
afterwards.

Hmm.

But she wants me
to meet her friends.

Yeah, 'cause you're dating.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah.

So, how do you
feel about her?

It's, like, uh...

it's, I don't know,

it's all, uh...

it's like swirly...

Just right here

in this area,
it just feels like...

Yeah, that's love, bro.

No.

Oh, yeah.

It is.

You're out of almond milk!

So, is there a reason you're
dressed like an Easter Peep?

Shane, I chose this color
so it would pop.

Like, this L.A. Times reporter
is following me around all day

for this profile, and I would
like the article to say, like,

"Alice Pieszecki Is Killing It."

- You know, maybe in capitals.
- Hi.

-Hey.
-Hey.

So sorry I'm late.
Happy birthday.

Thank you.

It's not a big deal.
Everyone, relax.

Well, it can be.

I mean, you can experience

true metamorphosis at 40
if you let yourself.

Don't listen to that bullshit.

Shit gets weird.

Things on your body

start dropping
and changing.

My ass,

it's not obvious,

but it has moved, I can tell.

None of us has anything
to complain about.

Look, I...

I never knew
I'd get this far, so...

I'm just happy.

Good,
you should be.

Yeah.

Um, so...

we want to do

something to celebrate
your birthday...

-No.
-Just...

I said no party.

-Not a party.
-No.

We just have
to do something.

I mean, it's your 40th birthday.

-Yeah.
-Oh, God, you guys.

Let's meet at your bar.

Drinks.

-Yeah, sure, sure.
-Yeah, fine.

Just the three of us.

-Yeah, mm.
-Okay.

-Sounds good to me.
-Yeah.

Under those
parameters, okay.

Mmm.

Where have
you been?

Hmm, when?

You look
all glow-y.

Um...

oh, Angie had a thing
at school, so...

Oh... I thought you got laid.

Yeah.

I know,

'cause I was laughing
inside, too.

Oh...

Yeah, it has been a long time.

No, how long
has it been?

A year?

It hasn't been that long.

You know,
I know people.

I'm sure you do.

Is there something
you wanted to show us?

-Yes.
-Okay.

Uh, field trip.

Let's go, walking distance.

Get your stuff.

You got your juice box?

This is very hip.

Is it?

Just a little bit, little bit.

I got to say I feel
like I'm going into a...

-No, no, no, no, no. -We're
going downhill all of a sudden.

-We're almost there, almost there,
almost there. -We're going down a hill.

-Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Okay.

-Turn this way.
-Okay.

-I'm trying to be trusting.
-Jesus Christ, Alice.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Give me your hand.

-All right, ready?
-Mm-hmm.

-All right, okay.
-Okay.

One, two...

three.

What do you think?

It is just...

It's the best.

It's the best,
it's...

-Right?
-It's the best.

Amazing.

Dana would love it.

-When did you think of that?
-Are you kidding me?

I just, I mean,
it's an obvious choice.

It's so good!

I love you guys.
Let's take a picture.

-I love you.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take a picture, okay.

Glasses, glasses.

Okay.

All right.

All right, phone, picture.

I'm gonna cry first
thing in the morning.

-Flip it around?
-Yeah, flipping.

Okay. Okay, ready?

Okay, that's the last batch.

-Thanks.
-Yeah, no problem.

Um, you totally
over-ordered.

I just thought,
you know, we'd, we'd need...

I mean, where are we even
gonna hide all of this?

Hey.

-Happy birthday.
-Hey, boss.

Thanks.

Uh, do you have some
checks for me to sign?

-Yes...
-I'll show you.

Great.

Tess, thank you
so much for this.

Sure.

So, I know
you don't like to make

a big deal
out of your birthday

or anything.

I really want to do
something for you.

All right, last looks!

-Hey.
-Hey.

I had sent you a new copy
of this campaign ad.

Did you not get
my e-mail?

No. Excuse me.

I don't think so.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Uh...

I s-seem to
have misplaced

my campaign phone.

Okay, uh, when
did you have it last?

I'll figure it out.

-Thank you.
-You know, um,

Sophie and I
accidentally

took each other's laptops
to work once.

Do you think that something like
that might have happened to you?

I'll take care of it.

Do you think it's possible
that Felicity

has your phone?

Okay.

I'll sort it out.

You don't need
to do that.

Would you prefer
I send a volunteer?

Great. That's so great.

Chin down. Awesome.

-Relax.
-Perfect. Perfect, Alice.

Perfect.
Let's see that "Alice" thing.

Okay.

I don't want to take
my picture in this.

Okay, honey,
I hear you.

You're doing so great.

Hey, Nat. I'm pretty sure
Eli's on the loose.

Shit. Eli!

-Hey, pook. I heard you won.
-Mommy!

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Give me five. Yeah.

-I'll be right back.
-Come on.

Hey.

-Hi. Yeah.
-Thank you so much.

I thought wardrobe had options,
but they didn't.

-No, of course, of course. -Thank
you, I really appreciate it.

It's my pleasure.
You look great.

-Yeah. I do? Yeah. It's...
-Yeah. I love this color.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm Corey Campbell.
L.A. Times.

Nice to meet you.

While I have you, can I ask you
a couple questions?

-Yeah, sure.
-I don't mind. Yeah.

How has Alice changed
from the first time

you two got together
till now?

-Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

-We're not, we're not together.
-No, no, no, no.

-But she is the kids' other mom.
-Yeah. We're not...

Mm-hmm. The woman who ran
down the hall was my...

-Nat. Nat is her...
-Yeah. Nat is my person.

-And my ex-person.
-Right, her... Yeah, right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I assumed
she was the nanny.

I'll-I'll let you
get back to your thing.

- Nanny?
- Found him.

He was in the kitchen,
ate all the seaweed,

but he's very sorry,
right, Eli?

-At least he didn't get
the junk food. -Hi.

-Were you in the liquor cabinet?
-No.

Were you drinking?
Are you a drunk?

Thank you for bringing...

Okay, I'm gonna
get them changed.

That's really helpful.
Thank you.

-Okay, great, of course.
-Yeah.

-Bye.
-You look so cute today.

-Aw, you look so pretty.
-I do?

-Yeah, you look great.
-Oh.

-Yeah, this is... Yup.
-Oh.

-This is her, this is Nat.
-Hi.

-So nice to meet you.
-You, too.

Corey Campbell
of the L.A. Times.

Great.

So, tell me,
how do you and Alice

maintain a healthy
work-life balance?

-Oh, it's...
-God, I don't...

-I'm not sure we do.
-It...

-Oh.
-You know,

it's really hard,
but we try our best.

But it's a joyful hard.

Yeah.

Hmm.

It was an honest mistake.

Which part?

It's not what you think.

It doesn't really matter
what I think.

-I care about her.
-Do you?

Yes.

Because this could
bring her down.

Do you understand that?

This has fucked up my life, too.

I still work at the
Department of Cultural Affairs.

Everywhere I go,
people whisper. They think

I got here because I fucked
my boss. And my marriage,

-my marriage is...
-None of that matters.

Oh, really? And what
do you know about it?

How many marriages
have you failed at?

I know that she's out there
every day fighting hard

for all the right things, but
one wrong thing will ruin her.

And to the public,
you are the wrong thing.

-This could end her.
-But I love her.

I wish the world were different,

but it's not.

This stays between us.

All right,
this might sound a little risky.

-Yeah, what?
-But you've got to ask him

about the diversity
of his campaign staff.

He doesn't have any.
Can I do that?

Of course. I mean,
who else is gonna ask him,

Jimmy fucking Fallon?

Knock, knock.

Okay, well, you didn't,
but, yeah, okay.

Take a look at these
questions for Milner.

Okay, but we already
have a working script.

What is this?

Yeah, I'm not asking him any
of these bullshit questions.

I thought you wanted
to be a pop icon.

Talking about high school
superlatives is not at all

what "pop icon" means.

Why are you smiling?

The reporter
is right outside.

Oh, o-okay.

-I see what we're doing here.
-Yeah.

Oh.

M-Milner wants to be
seen as a real guy.

He wants what you did
with Bette Porter.

Okay, Drew, I would love that
because Bette and I talked about

her scandal and about
feminism and sexism

and what it's like to be queer.

I wonder which one of those
he really identifies with.

Oh, you know what?
I bet it's feminism.

-A "good guy" like him.
-Uh. Oh, yeah.

I bet he's, like,
balls deep in feminism.

-Yeah.
-Here you go.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

I'll take a decaf
skim latte.

-Thanks.
-Yeah, of course, right away.

She's not gonna get
that for me, is she?

I wouldn't count on it.

Yeah, look, we all want
the same thing here.

Do we, Drew?

Yes. We all want our show
to be a success.

My show.

I know. I know.

And I know you want
to do your... feminism.

Oh, hell.

We're still smiling.

-Oh.
-But you won't be able

to do anything
if your show is canceled.

-Ah.
-Look, I've been

down this road before.

I've learned this
lesson the hard way.

The only way to deviate is
through incremental change.

Fine. I'll ask him
about his fucking horse.

It's a pony, but deal.

Yeah,
we don't do that there.

-Get it away. We don't do that.
-All right. Okay.

Incremental change.

I know.

It's your name. Your show.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you had
to do that for me.

You jeopardized
the campaign.

I'm painfully aware
of that fact.

And I'm pretty sure you've
course-corrected worse when you

were working
for your father.

I was numb
when I worked for him.

Ever since I met you,
I can feel things.

And what I had to do today,
it didn't make me feel good.

I have given up too much
to be here.

My career, my relationship
with my father.

And the energy that I've spent
on you instead of my fiancée...

it's unforgivable, really.

And I'm fine making
those sacrifices

for someone that I believe in,

but I just don't understand

how you can throw
everything away

-for some woman.
-She's not just some woman.

Is this your M.O.?
You do something great

and then you fuck up?!

Keep your voice down.

Do you have any idea
how many people

are working their asses off
just to get you elected?

-I am acutely aware.
-Then why are you running?

What's the fucking point?!

My sister died of
a heroin overdose.

That is why I'm running.

I am running for
her. I am running

to change the broken
system that failed her.

Felicity was there for me

when my sister died.

My world shattered,

and she helped me
pick up all the pieces.

You don't just turn your back
on someone like that.

You can be with her.

Or you can stay in this race

and fight for what
you believe in.

But you can't
have it both ways.

Thank you. And we're back
with candidate Jeff Milner

talking about
high school superlatives.

So, best hair, huh?

Well, what can I say?

I mean, what can you say?

Anyway, high
school was a hoot.

I always loved school,
even as a little kid.

And I understand we have
something in common.

Well, if it's about
loving school,

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

No, no.

-We both went to camp.
-Ah. Yeah.

Well, no. I actually
worked at a camp as a kid.

You know, stapled shit together
for the campers,

made six bucks an hour.

It was a dream.

-Well, something for everyone.
-Mm-hmm.

I love being outside,
getting dirty,

learning about science.

Is that where you fell
in love with horses?

It is indeed. You know,
I had a pet pony at camp.

Her name was Tubman

because I always had an affinity

for Harriet Tubman.

Always admired her...
her bravery.

Would you say
Harriet Tubman was a feminist?

Oh.

Well, I, uh...

Well, you know...

I don't know
about that, but I...

Uh, she was

-definitely a hero.
-What is she doing?

-Oh, I-I...
-Would you say you're

a feminist?

Well, I, uh...

We can't hear you, Jeff.

Uh, I think all people

-deserve to be treated fairly.
-I'm calling his people

-to get a jump on this.
-Yeah, good idea, Drew.

Ooh, I got to tell you,

that's an infuriating
answer, Jeff.

Well, you know, your
friend Bette Porter

identifies as a feminist,
and I don't think her actions

have been particularly
honorable.

She made a mistake.

She apologized for it,
she's moved on.

It's all in the past.

-Why should we believe her?
-Because she's legit.

And if she says

"That relationship is over,"

I fucking trust her.

Can we trust you?

I think

my record speaks
for itself.

Hmm. Let's get back
to the ponies.

This is incredible.
She doesn't hold back, does she?

Nope. She's always Alice.

Uh...

Nope, no, no, no.
Nobody invited you.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Oh.

Excuse you.

I know you're
mad at me,

but I'm trying to
love you right now.

I'm not mad at you.
I feel bad for you.

You're missing it.

-What am I missing?
-Me.

-I want to hang out with you.
-You do?

-Yeah.
-Still?

Always.

I always want
to hang out with you.

I think about you
all the time.

Well, do you think about me?

When you go to work, you go on,
you know, your little runs?

Yes. Of course.

It doesn't feel like it.

-It doesn't?
-No.

It feels like you're in your own
little world, like...

Like I can't find you.

I'm sorry.

Why can't you talk to me?
What are you so afraid of?

-I'm not...
-What-what...?

What have I done that makes you
so afraid of me?

Uh, sometimes I-I think
about the night we met.

Yeah. At Akbar.

You had a girlfriend.

Yeah.

That scares me.

It does?

Yeah.

You were so willing
to leave her.

And I-I guess part
of me wonders if...

if-if you'll leave me, too.

She wasn't you.

Hold up.

-What the hell are you doing?!
-Holy shit!

Motherfucking cold!

Oh, you're so cute!

Don't even play.

Cute.

Oh. Oh, my God.

You have a cute butt.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

What is this?

This was my great-grandma's.

And it's
to remind you that

I'm always with you.

And I will never
leave you.

Because you're my person.

Thank you.

I love it.

Oh...

And I love you.

I love you so much.

I got yours resized.

Oh! Really? Where is it?

It's in my dresser.

Bitch, it should be
on this finger.

-Oh.
-No-no, it's too cold.

You're right.

-I love you.
-Come here.

I love you.

We don't have a lot of time.

Alice is meeting us at nine.

Oh, that smells amazing.

Uh, that smells amazing.

-Mm?
-Nah.

-Really?
-Please.

-Okay.
-It's okay.

You're the one running
for mayor.

It's legal.

Don't tell Angie.

I would never.

Did you ever think you would be
spending your 40th birthday

with a middle-aged lesbian
and no chance of sex?

I wish you had told me

you were a lesbian.

-You're so secretive.
-I don't think

that's so much
of a secret, actually.

A toast.

To you...

and your birthday...

-and your beautiful bar.
-That I already fucked up.

What happened?

I might have
slept with Lena.

And she's still with Tess.

Ah, see?
I told you I fucked it up.

No.

No. It's just human.

I mean, I think what happens is
that we all get scared,

and then we do things,
you know, as people,

that we shouldn't do.

Because we don't want
to move on.

Maybe we do,
and we just don't know how,

and so we end up doing
really fucked-up shit. I mean,

I do, anyway.

My God, this pot.

This pot is
really fucking strong.

Is this sativa?

You're still sleeping
with Felicity.

Hey.

It's okay.

It's really okay.

I just feel like
such a fuckup.

No, you're not.

I really tried to end it,

you know, when I first launched
the campaign, but I couldn't.

You know?
And I-I don't know

if I didn't want
to hurt her feelings

or I didn't want
to hurt my feelings,

because that would have been
a total fucking free fall.

But now...

now I realize I'm just...

fucking sabotaging myself.

And it has to be done.

I have to do right by Kit.

Yeah.

Sometimes I can hear her
saying to me...

"Girl..."

Oh, yeah.

"Girl...

you got to love
the life you live...

...and live the life you love."

Wait, where are you going?

Oh. Don't know if I can get up.

Give me a sec.

Ooh, look at you.

Oh, my God.

These flowers are beautiful.

Yeah. They're from Tina.

Of course they are.

She always had
really great taste.

Not always.

What are those?

Divorce papers.

Oh.

I do love Quiara...

I just don't want kids.

And I don't want
to raise them

while she's on tour or...

I know
that sounds selfish.

No, no, no.

It just sounds really honest.

All right.

Here I go.

To new beginnings.

I got divorced on my birthday!

Crazy.

Happy fuckin' birthday.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

-What?
-Alice is gonna be

so fucking pissed
if we're late.

-Did you bring the thing?
-I got it. It's in my car.

We have to eat something.

Oh, I'm just gonna ta...
can I take this?

Yeah, just take it,
take it. Let's go.

Fuck.

I'm still so hungry.

Why is it so dark?

-I don't know. Tess?
-Tess?

Lena?

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

-What did you do?
-You can't get away

without having a party.

What is this?

Yeah, what are we
gonna do, nothing?

Who are
all these people, Al?

Finley took some liberty
with the guest list,

-so I don't know.
-I remember you.

-Shane.
-Ah, yeah, yeah. How you been?

-Yeah.
-Okay, look.

Oh, my God.

There's some real gems
in there.

And some nightmares.

What were we thinking?

Am I stoned in that picture?

Supermodel!

-We did good.
-We did.

-Look at my jeans.
-Oh, hi. Shots.

-Oh, yeah.
-Hey, come on.

Come on, celebrate with me.

What are you,
pregnant?

Listen, listen.

-Come on. Listen,
-Okay, ready?

I love you both.
Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Crazy.

-I know.
-Okay.

-Three, two, one, go.
-One, go.

Oh, that's so gross.

-Should we get another one?
-Yeah.

Hey!

-Hey!
-Hey!

I see the lesbians
left the house!

Oh, my God!

Oh, yes, we did,
and we look good.

- Pow! Look at that.
- Ooh!

-So good!
-Rings and shit. Okay!

Ooh, what are we drinking?

Everything.

Is that a good idea?

Uh, yeah, well,
I didn't know

there was gonna
be free booze,

so I packed a flask,

but then I slammed that
in the car ride over

because traffic, and so now
I'm drinking the fancy shit.

Did you know tequila
could be clear?

Know what else
is clear? Water!

Oh, no, thanks.
There's water in my ice.

Oh. All ri...
all right,

all right, buddy,
take it easy, yeah?

Literally,
all of our bosses are here.

I'll be right back.

All right.

-Don't move.
-Ooh. Okay, I won't.

Just chug it.

-Just go straight for it.
-Yep, she's going for it.

Okay, just get
fucked up already.

Okay.

Did you make a decision?

Uh...

yeah, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna end it.

Good.

I'm sure
that was difficult for you.

And... I'm sorry that
I came down on you so hard.

Okay. Somebody needs
to hold me accountable.

Oh, don't worry, I will.

You don't have to be
so fuckin' excited about it.

-I'll see you Monday.
-Yeah, on Monday.

All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

Look, look, look,
I really didn't want

to do anything tonight.

All right?
But here we all are.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- Appreciate you being here.

But to those that do know me...

you know I earned this.

-Hear, hear.
-Happy birthday!

Happy fuckin' birthday.

Mmm... hmm!

Whoa. Slow down, bro.

Why? It's free.

I wish Rebecca were here.

Aw, you got it bad, huh?

Yeah, she's kind of the best.

She know how you
feel about her?

I sent her a bunch of emojis.

Whoof! You stupid.

You got to talk to her.

Do I, though?

I don't want
to mess it up.

Look...

I have been there before.

Really?

Yeah, and it's scary.

Yeah, right?

-It's very scary.
-Yeah.

But it seems like
she likes you a lot.

Yeah.

Aw. You got
nothing to lose.

Yeah.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Okay. Okay, I'm out.

-Dab up.
-No.

Hey, where are you going?

You...

are a good friend.

-Mwah!
-Oh. Oh!

Thank you.

Damn.

-Who is that?
-My property manager.

He is... hot.

-Hey.
-Hi. I'm José.

-Hi.
-This is Hassan.

Excuse me.

Ooh. Looks like you two
are having a good time.

Yeah, you know, we were actually
about to go dance.

Uh, you want a shot?

Sure.

All right.

What are you doing here?

Finley invited me.

Of course she did.

So, how did the rest of

-your day go with the reporter?
-It was great.

-Oh, good.
-Yeah, it was great.

It wasn't great.

-Wasn't great.
-Oh.

What did you mean
when you said...

-you said...
-Mm-hmm.

-I was hard to be with?
-I think I said

-finding a balance was hard.
-That's the same thing.

No, it's not.

You have
a very demanding job,

and we have giant lives,

and it's all very new,
and it's...

hard to navigate,

you know,
raising these kids, working,

finding time to be
with one another.

Like, it's a lot.

-Right, right, yeah.
-It's a lot.

Well, we're...
we're doing great.

Yeah, I agree.

Like, better than
great, I think.

And things are going great
with Gigi.

Right, like,
Gigi's their other mom.

-She's a big part of the family now.
-Yeah.

-Are you guys talking about me?
-Yes. Stay, stay, stay.

We were just talking about how
we're, you know, nailin' it.

What are we nailin'?

-It. All of it.
-Yeah, everything.

-Just... crushin' it.
-If you say so.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Here's the party!

-Hi.
-Hi.

We're hoarding
all the good booze.

-Good. You should.
-Well, we have

-a little surprise for you.
-Yes.

-For me?
-Yeah.

But it's not my birthday.

-I know that.
-What is it?

What is it? What is it?

-You ready?
-Yeah, give it up.

-Ta-da!
-Boom.

Shut the fuck up!

How did you get this so fast?

-I have my sources.
-Wait, wait, let me see.

Wow. "The Queen of Queer Life."

Oh, my gosh,
that's incredible.

Oh, my God.

Why am I
in this picture?

Oh, God, I look terrible.

What are you talking about?

It's the Church
of Latter Day Saints.

It's amazing.

Or a cult in Portland.

"Alice Pieszecki
with her family."

We are a family.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-They loved you.

Are you having a
good time on my birthday?

- Uh, never better.
- Good.

Would you like me
to bring that

-into the office for you?
-Yes. Thank you.

So sweet.

-Very sweet.
-So great.

Wow. The Queen of Queer.

To that. Queen of Queer.

Oh, man.

-Quite right.
-It's very true.

Got the family in it.

She's here, actually.

-Yeah.
-Hi.

-Hi!
-You came.

Oh, my God.

Mmm... mmm, mmm.

Ooh. Been drinking
a little, bud?

- A little bit.
- Come-come on inside.

Um, I... Can we talk
for a second?

Sure.

I'll be right back,
you guys.

-Um...
-What's going on?

Okay, so,
remember this morning

when you were wondering

if I could get over
the whole priest thing?

-Yeah.
-Well, I can,

because you're not
a real priest.

You know,
you have the church

and, like, the outfits,
but you're not...

it's not a real church,

so I can totally do it.

That's really hurtful.

No, I mean it.

I mean it, because...
Okay, when we first met,

I was, like, freaking out,

'cause I thought, you know,

I did it with... Jesus.

No. Um,

but everything is cool now,

because... I love you.

I think you should go home.

Oh, what? Did you just hear
what I said? I said...

-I heard you.
-Like-like, for real.

I'm gonna go call you
a Lyft, okay?

No, no, no. No. Come here.

-I think you should go.
-Come on.

Um...

Wow.

Hmm. Okay.

Are you sure you don't want me
to call you a Lyft?

I can walk it.

So, how do you know
all these lesbians?

I dated Dani
back in college.

Before...

Oh, that is intense.

She's a really cute chick.

You know, you got good taste
in men and women.

So, what do you do?

Hey, um,
I'm an actor, man.

You should come
to my improv show next week.

-What day?
-Tuesday night.

Oh. Yeah, any other night,
I would've been there.

You know, we got
a Sunday matinee though.

You should come to that.
I'll save you a seat.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

No one.

She's really beautiful.

You're beautiful.

Wait, wait.

Is there a part of you
that still wants her?

You can tell me.

I want you.

-I know. I know.
-I want you.

And her.

Right?

She's so great.

Hey! Come here!

We need you!

Get over here!

We're talking about you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we talk
for a second?

-What?
-Can we talk for a second?

Yeah.

Why do you keep looking
at me like that?

Like what?

You're just smiling at me.

It's just the face my face makes
when I'm around you.

You're sending me
really confusing signals.

Do you realize that?

You bail on me,
no explanation,

and then you
just show up here.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

-I know.
-No, no, no.

I've been clear
with what I want.

Tell me what you want.

Tell me
what you're thinking.

Are you into me?

What do you want? Just...

What the fuck do you want?

Do you want
to get out of here?

Yeah, I do.

This place looks amazing.

Is there something
that you want to tell me?

What do you mean?

Okay, let me put this
a different way.

I know that there's something
going on between the two of you.

I can feel it.

What are you talking about,
Tess?

You know, when you look back
on our relationship,

I want you to know

it wasn't your infidelity
that ended us.

It was this moment.

Now, is there anything
that you want to tell me?

I'm sorry.

-Oh, fuck.
-I'm sorry.

Fuck.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Oh, my God.

Don't touch me. I can't do this.
I need to get out of here.

Shit.

-I love you both.
-Seriously.

Thank you so much.

You okay, honey?

Holy shit.

Oh... my... God.

Happy birthday.