The L Word (2004–2009): Season 5, Episode 3 - Lady of the Lake - full transcript

I had a dream
about Jenny's movie last night.

- It was weird.
- What was it?

Me, you and Helena?
We're like Charlie's angels.

Who is Charlie?

Once upon a time,

there were three little lesbians
who just hung out at a coffee shop.

But I changed all that.

And now they work for me.

My name is Bev.

Good morning, lesbians.

- Good morning, Bev.
- Ladies.



I have a new mission for you.

It involves going under cover.

Okay, lesbians,
what do you think?

Sure sounds dangerous.

Are you sure it's not gonna ruin our hair?

I promise you girls. I won't let anything
happen to your hair or makeup.

- Helen?
- Count me in.

- Bev...
- Well of course, we're in.

But are you sure these gaydar guns
are really gonna work?

Well, they'd better work
because our target just entered the room.

Okay, lesbians, go get her.

Come on, girls.
Let's get her.

- "Beatrocker" by Mad Professor -

Stay thrilled,
she's still gone strong.



Oh, morning lazy asses.

Fuck off you freak.

How's it going, Shane?

... since 5:30 A.M.

I gotta say it's going pretty well.

And all of this is because
you sworn off sex?

Yep. And all the crap
that goes along with it.

- Yeah, sister.
- Owe me.

I have declared

a moratorium

on one sex.

A moratorium

on drama,

and a moratorium on jealousy.

And a moratorium on girls
throwing rocks through your windows

- or burning your shit down.
- Yep.

What? Someone threw a rock
through your window?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was
one of the bridesmaids from the wedding.

No, I'm telling you.
I'm fucking done.

A few days ago, I've decided
to take a major break from sex.

Thereby eliminating the main cause
of insanity in my life.

And I gotta tell you, girls.

I have never,

ever felt so freakishly clear-headed

- or highly energized.
- Speaking of freakish,

- look at Jenny's new assistant.
- Hi!

Well, you kinda have to admire her
a little bit.

It's gross.
There is something wrong with that girl.

So, Denise seems nice.

You know, mortgage brokers
make a lot of money.

We didn't have anything in common.

And I know, you're gonna say
I'm a snob

- but I...
- Tina, honey, you are a snob.

I mean, come on! We love you!
But you're a snob.

Alright. We'll find someone
more your style,

someone like, I don't know,
in the biz or...

No, no, no. I don't wanna go out
with someone in the movie business.

Tina. Picky, picky, picky.
Really.

Okay, we'll find you someone
in the art world,

- or art-adjacent.
- That's important to you,

am I right? It is.

You know what we should do?
We should go on OurChart

looking at some members' profiles.

Tina, don't look at me like that!

I'm trying to help you.

Jesus Christ!

Oh my god!
I think I'm gonna vomit.

Damnit! He's so

fucking cute!

You see that guy over there?

Jodi's interpretor?

He hit on me the other day
in the mensroom.

- He's handsome.
- So?

Are you attracted to him?

No, of course not.

It wouldn't be such an outlandish thing.

- The last trans guy I dated...
- Look, I'm not into men.

The last trans guy I dated wasn't
into men at all before he transitioned.

She was a gold-star butch lesbian.

I'm not a gold star, either.

Julie was.

Until she became Jake.

Jake turned out to be a gay man.

I heard this theory that
what's genetically encoded in us

isn't attraction to men
or attraction to women, but

it's same-sex attraction.

There you go.

Adele, do away with these sweaty things.
Thanks.

Wow, you have great abs.
Can I...?

No, no, don't, don't, don't,
just don't touch me today, please.

- She's not gonna make it.
- I don't think she's gonna make it.

Where did I put my keys?

In your bag.

Hey look, the Pink Ride.

Oh, I'm doing it.

- I'm training for it.
- You are?

- Yes.
- Maybe we should all do it.

- You do what?
- It's called the Subaru Pink Ride and

it's for breast cancer research.

I'm gonna do it.
I think it'll be great.

We should get a little team together.

- We could be Team Dana.
- I love it.

- I love that. Team Dana...
- Right?

Yeah, and we can get Kit and Bette
to do it with us.

- We should ask Jodi as well.
- And Jodi.

- Yeah, but Jodi didn't know Dana.
- Yeah, but,

she has breasts, right?

Good point.

You guys, you have to train for this.
It's so hard.

If you don't you're not gonna finish it.

What don't we get Tasha to train us?
'Cause, I mean, she knows how to train.

Obviously.

I thought you said

Tasha was going to Iraq. I thought
you said her unit was delayed.

Yeah, no. They're just delayed.

I guess her equipment didn't come in
or something.

I don't know.
It must happen all the time.

Ready?

Let's go.

- "Games" by Carla Thomas -

Thank you, ladies.
Nice doing business with you.

Everybody's paid up.

Feeling good?

Very good.

- "Between You And Me"
by Shirley Brown -

See you later.

I think I might have to bag
on Big Bear this weekend.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- I'm really sorry.

I know it's fucked up.

I have a reception for David Hockney

at the Hammer on saturday.

- So?!
- Uh, so,

several of my major donors
are gonna be there.

What?

We've been doing this for 11 years,

and this was the first time

I was ever gonna bring anyone.

Really?

Fuck David Hockney.

I gotta run.

You, you watch yourself.
Don't get too personal.

Oh please, me? What?

I'm so excited we're dealing this thing.
Thank you so much.

What "Fuck David Hockney"?

She was trying to get out of going

to Big Bear this weekend
to meet a bunch of my old friends.

- Really?
- And you didn't let her get away with it?

- Good for you.
- She made a commitment.

Hey, Alice, we're gonna set up over here.

Shane and I just wanna show you
a couple of profiles

of girls that we think
you should date.

Tina! There's nothing wrong
with meeting someone on the internet.

- Nothing. Come on!
- It's weird. It's weird.

T., you've gotta look at it this way.
It's less random than a blind date,

and you can find
all about the girl

before you waste your time
having lunch with her.

It's a really good point.
Hey, the hair. Start the hair.

That makes total sense, Jodi said.
Do you mind if I join you?

Oh my god! Get over here.

Okay. So, I'll first limit it to the,
you know, people that live in L.A.,

and then I will add
potential art people.

How can we... the picture?

Oh, by the way,

somebody answers a question
on their profile. Like,

favorite book, "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".

It's good, promising.

Nancy Drew, not so much.

- I love Nancy Drew.
- Me too!

Really? OK. All right, Nancy Drew.

I mean, she is a lesbian icon.

That's a pretty slick-looking camera
you've got there.

Yeah, it's a Panasonic TVX100.

It's amazing, actually.

You're gonna hook it up
to the computer?

We're recording of a fireware.

Yeah. It makes it possible for us
to record on to the computer's hard drive

at the same time as we're recording on
to the video camera.

I don't have the fucking slightest idea
what you're talking about, but...

sounds awesome.

How are you going to do her hair?

I don't know yet. Maybe something
a little classy or sassy. I don't know.

Maybe do you?

Oh! Go back, go back! Her!

What about her? She's good.

No, keep browsing.

What? Why? She's totally cute.

Yeah, I know she's cute.
But she's a little

crazy in bed,
if you know what I mean.

How do you know?

- Next.
- Roll.

Come!

I just got this from my C.O.

It's a chapter 15 discharge.

I know.

The command is recommending
a discharge

from the United States army reserve
for homosexual conduct.

I know you didn't want my case.

Oh, I've been detailed.
Your case is right here.

So now, I don't have a choice.

Unless you decide to hire
a civilian attorney.

I would like for you to represent me.

Can we go over grounds for separation?

First allegation:

On march 2007, you were seen
at the...

with a group of women
who are openly lesbian.

One of the women had her arm
around your shoulder.

Second allegation:

on march 2007, you were again seen
just outside the... base

with the same woman
having what appeared to be

- a lovers' quarrel.
- That's presumption.

Even if I had been seen,
Brown made that charge

and I personnaly know
he has a grudge against me.

Well, the first allegation was made
by a primary accuser.

Her name is not list in this document.

But the second incident

was backed up
by your commanding officer, Major

Kevin Dickson,
who's also witness to the event.

Go on.

There's an other allegation.

Let just hear that you showed
a female soldier in your unit,

Anita Martinez,

preferential treatment
for job reclass vacation

because you were romantically
involved with her.

- That's total bullshit.
- Please, don't use... language,

- would you mind, Officer Williams?
- It's a flat out lie.

Well, these are the allegations.

And they didn't come out of the blue.

There are some solid evidence
you're backing them up.

And if it's not true,

then it's on you to prove it.

And like it or not,
that's the way this thing works.

- "It Ain't Always What You Do"
by The Soul Children -

So, form expression.

I didn't know how to ask this delicately,

but I'm dying.

Delicately? What?
I thought we were talking about sex.

Yeah. But, I wanna know...

Well, some people like delicate sex.

Not me. There's nothing worse than

- tentative, timid lesbian sex.
- Right.

I would never be in one of
those lesbian-bed-death relationships,

where you just

cuddle and, you know,
say good night and go to sleep.

I have a teddy bear if I want to do that.

- Yes!
- Uh, I was watching.

Was that lesbian? Is that lesbian?

Lesbian?

Oh, lesbian. That?

That is not sexy.
That's not sexy.

That?

- Is that more sexy?
- That is better.

- Alright.
- Much sexier.

How do you say cunnilungus?

I made one up.
Is that cunninlingus?

- I would be good.
- Pretty good. Pretty close.

Well, my guess is just say
"Lick my pussy".

You could say that, couldn't you?

I'll remember that.

No, you sworn off sex, remember?

Yeah, yes, yes, I did, I did, I did.
I have a question.

How do you say fuck?

- Fuck you know, fuck you, obviously.
- Oh, not fuck. Fuck, you know.

This is, you know, to actually fuck,

you do that if you wanna say
"Fuck me, baby".

Who says that to who? Bette says that to you,
or you say that to Bette?

Bette said "Don't get too personal".

Oh, Bette. Boring, boring Bette.
I'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out.

Last night, she said it to me.

Okay, alright.
La, la, la, la.

I don't wanna hear what you and my sister
have been doing. I don't mind. No!

Private Jack Brown's wife
just had a baby.

And he wanted to be reclassified
MOS42A

so he could be home with them.

But Brown's lazy soldier.

He had a sub-standard score
in aptitude area CL

and he's not qualified
to be a human resources specialist.

Specialist Martinez had two commendations

scored in the top
1% in that aptitude area

and it's discipline and hard working.

And I never touched her.

Except to comfort her
over being upset

about having to leave her little boy

after we learnt that
her unit was getting redeployed.

When you comforted her,
did you hug her?

Is that grounds for separation?

Probably wouldn't be
if you hadn't been seen holding hands

with some girl at the racetrack.

I wanna stay in the service.

Should have thought of that
before you decided to be a lesbian.

You know what?
I'm gonna take that back.

I'm gonna assume you are not a lesbian

because that's exactly
what we're gonna have to prove

if you wanna win this thing.

Let me clearify to you, Beech.

I never decided

to become a lesbian.

But I decided to join the service.

I graduated second
in my ROTC class,

I have a bronze star
with V for valor

for saving the lives of three american
and two iraqi soldiers

after an IED attack in Tal Afar.

I watched my staff sergeant,
Robert Ganz,

get his stomach blown open
after a mortar attack

and held him in my arms
as he died.

Which, by the way, was not
a romantic embrace either.

I believe in american democraty

and I'm willing to risk my life
for my country.

Do you really think
I don't belong in this army?

Alright.

Here's what I'm open for, Williams.

I'm open that girl in the parking lot
turns out to be your first cousin.

And that the two of you
were having a heated argument

about whether to put your old grandma
on a nursing home.

That's what happened here, right?

- Oh, look at that. She's from Slovakia.
- ... down a bit.

Hey, Alice, can I talk to you
for a second?

Oh no. Not right now. Sorry.

I made a podcast.

What do you mean you made a podcast?

Yeah, I was hoping you could
take a look at it.

- You know, see if we could...
- And I've got to get this.

Hey! How did it go?

Stop working.

Sorry.

So...

do you want to know more
about who's gonna be there?

Yeah. I know there is

Frank.

And

- what's his wife's name?
- Sammy.

Oh, and what about, um...

- Michelangelo.
- Michelangelo.

Oh, god! How could I forget that?

So, tell me about him.

Stop!

But he's... Oh! He's a curator!

Don't make me out to be such a snob.

- Oh, you're a snob.
- No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah.

I'm nervous.

Oh god!

Both hands.

So what happened?

Fuck!

God! They're fuckers!

Beech got detailed
to be my defense.

The homophobic prick?

Yeah, he doesn't want it.
He has to take it.

He has no choice.

I don't see my name here.

Believe me, Alice.
They know who you are.

Right. They're the military.

Well, they don't know
who they're dealing with.

- Alice...
- I mean...

That last one is false by the way.
The one

about Martinez.

Yeah, I know that.

You know what?

We'll fight it. I mean,

we're not gotta back down to that.

What do we have to do
to win this thing?

I have to lie.

Isn't that against
your military code of honor?

What do I have to do?

Do you need me to disappear for a while?
Do you need me to leave you alone?

That's not what I want.

Because I can do that.

I know it's late in the game,
but I can do that.

I can be really on the D.L., you know?
Like,

just be really discreet,

like a nonexistent girlfriend.

I want you to know I can do that.

Sorry, we shouldn't have stopped
to eat.

So,

there's Huahine,

Haiatea,

Bora-Bora and

Wapiti.

So silent islands.

Tahaha.

Flower shaped islands
and smell all vanilla.

And you have a place there?

A tiny little piece of paradise.

It belonged to my grandfather.

- If I ever get out of here...
- You will.

You'll get out.

Peabody, you've got a visitor.

It's ten o'clock at night.

I guess somebody's pulled some strings.

You've got friends in high places.

Be right back.

Yeah, right.

Take this.

Woo. Let me eat your pussy.

Were I receptive to such a proposition,

it would first require a full booty check.

And were you to pass muster,

baby, I'd give it to you family style.

Don't worry, darling.
Mummy's here.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been on a treasure hunt.

It was mad. I mean,
we ended up exhausted

on some... little greek island.

I know, I never go on these things,
but in this case,

the winner got to walk away

with this magnificent fragment

of a praxitelis foot quite genuine,

I'm sure.

So breathtakingly beautiful.

So priceless.

So illegal.

- Sort of like you, darling.
- Mummy,

I don't have much time for this.

Really?

Seems to me you've got
great gobs of time, Helena.

Yes, let's not bother with the small talk.

Shall we just finally say
that you've learnt your lesson?

I've learnt a phenomenal amount, mummy.

I've learnt
that I could look after myself.

- And that I don't...
- That's wonderful, sweetheart. Now,

Will is on his way to post your bail.

Charming.

And he's been...
change of clothing.

- You haven't lost much weight, have you?
- I'm fine.

Actually, mummy,
what I don't want is...

Now we're looking into
is getting your record expunged.

That would cost a pretty penny.

- But I think it's time to...
- No.

Mummy, I don't want that.

No? No, Mummy?
I don't want what? What?

Would you try to speak like
a semi-literate person, please, Helena?

I know that you've been keeping
rather sordid company lately, but...

I've been keeping very fine

company, Mummy,
and what I don't want is for you

to come swanning in here,
throwing your money about.

I know I made a mistake.

I'm quite happy to finish my time

- and pay my debt to society.
- Helena,

Helena, pull yourself together.

For God's sake, you're a Peabody.

- What difference does that make?
- Peabodys don't have debts, darling.

Not to anyone.

And certainly not

to society.

Thank you.

...!

- Robby, where is the jam?
- In the fridge, babe.

Behind all the beer.

Okay, everyone.
It's our favorite tradition.

Morning mojitos. Bring it on!

Finally!

The artist has arrived!

Everyone,

- this is...
- The beautiful Bette!

- Nice to meet you.
- It's so nice to meet you.

It's a morning mojito.

It's a Big Bear tradition.
You have to drink.

You know what? It's a little bit early
for me. But thanks.

Come on, Bette.

Don't be such a wuss.

It's good to put a face to those
grunts and groans.

Last night...

...you girls got in late, but uh...

I guess you weren't too tired, huh?

- It sounded good.
- Oh, fuck!

Did everyone hear us?

I left something in the room.

I'll be right back.

Is she alright?

It's ridiculous.
She'll be fine, right?

....

To us.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

So last night,

I finally fulled that insurance paper
to claim for the fire.

I'm telling you. It's been sitting
on my desk for three weeks, untouched.

Last night I do it
and start to finish.

- Good for you, Shane. It's good.
- And then I went in my closet.

Got rid of all my old Converse
and all those low-ass jeans

the you always see me in?
I start

- prioritizing my life.
- What do you mean?

You know, like setting goals
to myself. Like...

Like I wanna see Shay
every three weeks.

And I wanna quit smocking,
for sure.

I'm telling you, Tina,

this celibacy thing is like

a master cleanse to my body.

- Ya gotta try it.
- You know, Shane,

I've gone long periods without sex.

It doesn't have
the same salubrious effect on me.

Salubrious?

Yeah, salubrious.

I like it.

Salubrious.

And the other thing I've been doing?

Trying to expend my vocabulary.
Now, I go on to the dictionnary

and try to memorize ten words a day.

It actually works.

So, anyway.
What are you gonna wear on your date?

I don't know. What do you wear
on a date with a heart doctor?

- "Krazyfaze" by Ping Pong Bitches -

Cover up!

Oh, I can't!

Cover up!

Bette! Bette!

Come on, we need a wide receiver.
Come on!

No, thank you.

Come on!

Michelangelo built
the Sixtine Chapel, you know.

Actually, I think
he just painted the ceiling.

The house...

we call it the Sixtine Chapel.

Built it with his bare hands.

Put the log cabin in Wyoming.
That's where he spends most of the year.

You're in violation, by the way.

We don't allow work here,
at the Sixtine Chapel.

Well, I guess I'll just

have to get an infraction,

or whatever the punishment is.

Bette? Alright.

Bette, we need to recruit you
under our team.

- I don't really wanna play.
- Yeah.

It's the lake

or the game.

- Uh, I'd like to stay here, thank you.
- Don't make me do it.

- The lake or the game.
- Really, the book.

Come on!

Oh god! Hey, you asshole!

How is it going?

I don't know
how people do this.

- Hey, Jenny.
- Shhh!

She's meditating.

The podcast.

I haven't showed it to Alice yet.

But I'd just really like your opinion.

I can't.
I have to go to a screening.

You said you'd look at it.

But I'm late.
So, I'm gonna go.

But I'm sure
it's gonna be good. Bye.

Sorry!
I gotta go that way.

Sorry.
I just forgot my keys!

Fuck! I can't do this.

I can't.

What are you doing?

I made this podcast.

I haven't showed it to Alice yet.

And I just really... I don't know.
I'm just looking for somebody's opinion.

Well, I can tell you.

Tell you what.
I'm gonna read it.

Really?

You want my opinion?

- Sure.
- Oh great. I have ... since five.

I haven't...
or bull shit. So what do I do?

You uh...

- Play?
- Yeah, right there.

Hey, Bette,

why don't you start the roux?

I don't have the faintest idea
how to make a roux.

Have a glass of wine.

And we'll set the table.

So, uh, Bette,

what are you doing

to help restore some
equinimity in this

fucking ridiculous overpriced
art market?

- What am I doing?
- Well,

you're a big mover in the shaker,
aren't you?

You can be doing something.

Actually I'm the dean of
university art department.

Okay, but...

you're a big collector, right? So...

Let me tell you about the show that

occurated last month
at the Jacksonhall art center.

I mean, 'cause they were at least

ten paintings that would every be as good
as the Eric Fischl

that you have in your collection.

What makes you so sure
she's got an Eric Fischy?

It's Fischl.

Eric Fischl?

And I bet that she has one.

I doubt there were ten paintings
in a local art show

that were

even comparable to my Fischl.

Be nice!

I am, I am, I am!

How can you doubt it?

It just seems really unlikely

that there are ten truely great paintings

- in a community show.
- When was the last time

that you've looked at art

outside of New York or L.A.?

You know, you're right.

I haven't seen a community art show

in a really long time.

And I would love to see
some of the pieces

that you're so excited about.

Really?

Awesome!

I brought some pictures and uh,

I could bring them down, say after

dinner?

That would be great.

You rock my world.

She's the best.

I didn't know
that you were a collector.

It didn't say that on your profile.

I just started a couple of years ago.

I'm sure it doesn't compare
to your ex's collection.

No, no, it's...

They're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked
about my ex

- so much at dinner.
- It's fine. It's fine.

It was a big relationship for you.

It's normal to talk about it.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Yeah, yeah.

We'll pick that money.

- "11:32 PM" by Gina Catalino -

You have really great tits.

Wow!

Augmented.

You went for it.

You like them?

Spread your legs open.

Do you like it when I talk dirty?

Yeah.

We need to go.

I'm sorry, but,

my sister was robbed
and got pointed last night.

Is she okay?

She's freaked, but I, I just...
I really wanna get back

before she starts drinking.

Oh, the girl had a fucking gun
pointed at her.

Let her have a drink.

Uh, my sister is an alcoholic,

so that would probably be
the worst thing I could do.

I packed your suitcase.
So, we're ready to go.

If you wanna stay,

I'll drive you back.

That's fine.

If that's what you wanna do.

No, of course not.
I'll go home with you.

You were just making that up
back there, weren't you?

'Cause you're just having such a lousy time.

Oh, yeah, I just made up that
my sister got robbed at gunpoint

to get out of bowling?

Why would I ever want to give up
the opportunity

to wear smelly used shoes, drink
warm domestic beer and kick your ass?

Wait 'til next year.

Nice to meet you.

They took my whole week.

Oh, sweetie, don't worry
about the money.

I'm just so glad
they didn't hurt you.

I'm just gonna be in the next room
if you need anything.

And now, you go to sleep.

She'll be okay.

They're taking my whole fucking life
away from me.

Hey, Kit. Are you alright?

I'm really sorry about what happened.

Oh, no, thanks. It's alright. I just...
I should just get busy.

She's free!

- Hi!
- Welcome back.

Thank you.

Thanks.
I'm so glad you all came.

I just wanna say, you know,
good bye

- before I leave.
- Where are you going?

Wait, wait, wait.
Isn't there gonna be a trial?

Actually, our family
doesn't go on trial.

We generally go to Europe.

Are you leaving the country
before the trial?

We've got Brandon Addict.

He's the best criminal attorney
in California.

He's gonna get this record expunged.

Until then, we will be recovering

from our ignominy in the country
with a

very healthy non-extradiction treaty.

I can't believe you're leaving.

Well, I only wish I could say

it was because I thought
Helena had learnt her lesson.

- But I can assure you that...
- What does she mean by that?

any future rehabilitation of Helena's character
will be imposed under a more

rigorous program than the

Los Angeles lesbian lifestyle can provide.

At least Paris, when she was in the clink,
didn't get involved with some

big butch prison daddy dyke.