The L Word (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 8 - Loyal - full transcript

We're done for now.

We'd be clear to Barker Pass
by now if you hadn't brought
that uppity preacher's daughter.

Sometimes a man's gotta
do what a man's gotta do.

Yeah.

Looking for these, boys?

What the...

For last night.

For this morning.
Next time, don't undercook the yolks.

And cut!

Are you okay?

Do I get extra pay for that?



Back to ones, everybody.

Get the hell off of him!

Oh, shit! Oh!

Burr, c'mon! Burr!

Get the fuck outta here!

Argh!

Go on!

Don't come back!

What the fuck are you doing?!

It's none of your business!

It is absolutely my business!

What if that kid talks, huh?

Did you ever think of that?

Huh? What if he goes to The Star and
he says that Rod Sebring is an ass bandit?



No. No. Ben wouldn't do that.

Ben wouldn't do that.

No. He wouldn't.

You don't know that.

And I have too much riding
on this picture.

Burr. Burr!

"Loyal"

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

God, don't freak, it's Sunday,
we're allowed to get up late.

Alice, it's Monday.

No. Mm-mm. No, it's Sunday.

Alice, think about it.

Yesterday, we got brunch delivered,
and then the night before, we watched
"Saturday Night Live".

Right! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God,
I have my KCRW thing tomorrow!

I haven't come up with a single idea!
I'm totally fucking up! Oh, God.

Uh, it's - uh! What am I gonna
do for my audition?!

A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot.
Great. I need fucking ideas!

People who ruin their lives
because they can't stop having sex?

'Kay. That's really not helping.

I'm sorry. Look, you're not the only one
who's blown off important things to stay
in bed fucking for five days, okay?

I should be training.

You should always be training. So.

Alright, look.

I'm gonna go make us some coffee, okay?

Okay.

Work.

Okay.

Get to work!

Okay, okay.

- Hey.|- Hi.

I got you tea. I wasn't sure what
you were eating these days, but...

Thank you, that's nice.

I spoke to Dan Foxworthy this morning.

I was thinking about going back to therapy.

Oh. I don't know about therapy.

I think we should just focus on the baby.

Oh, no, not for us - I -
I was thinking about...

going to see him... myself.

Oh! That's great, that's really great.

That'll be good for you.

Yeah.

Can I just say one thing?

You can say anything you want.

No, I can't.

I mean, you've made it clear that
you don't exactly wanna hear what
I have to say right now and that's fine,

but I, um...

I never got to say...

how happy I am for you.

For us.

I'm glad you're happy.

This should be your happiness too.

Let's, um...

just focus on being really good parents.

It'll be a new kind of partnership for us.

My teacher, Charlotte Birch, is pushing me.

And I'm really freaked out because she's
intimating there's some kind of mysterious
challenge in all of this for me.

Okay, well can I tell you
what I think about Charlotte?

- I think|- What.

You have a crush on her.

No, I don't.

I think you do and I think
it's totally okay, and

and I think that you are allowed
to have a crush on your teacher.

And you know what?
I think you should go for it.

Totally go for it.

Fuck you.

What?

You want me to be jealous?

Well, if you think about fucking her,
I will kill you.

My next sonogram is Wednesday
the 7th at 10 a.m.

Well, I'd love to be there -
I mean, if that's okay with you.

I'd really like to see the baby.

How exciting.

You ready to go? The agent has
four listings planned out for us.

We're real estate hunting.

Real estate hunting.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Helena wants to rent a house in L.A.

The Chateau Marmont is getting so tedious,
I mean,

I can't walk from one end of
the lobby to the other

without being offered to do
blow or finance four independent
films starring Maggie Gyllenhaal.

All totally unsolicited, I'm sure.

Totally.

Um... I'll see you on the 7th. Okay?

I'll call you.

Look, the thing about reality is
it's gonna draw the audience in.

Right.

Basically, I need pussy that
we can smell and taste.

Absolutely.

Right. Of course. I mean...

the thing about this film, though,
is it's got that, but it's got more. It's um...

it's fascinating, I mean... we're
giving people access to a world
that they've never seen before.

You know. It's like journalists who
infiltrate mosques, it's witness -

Why don't you show me footage?

I mean, usually, I don't write
checks sight-unseen.

I completely understand. Um...

I just need a little more time.

I mean, this isn't scripted, so it's -

something's happening, I mean,
it's real but we can't force -

We'll cut you something together.

And it will be dripping
with hot lesbian pussy.

Won't it, dude?

Yeah. Yeah. I'll work on
cutting something together.

You can, uh... show yourselves out.

Great. Well, thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Did you see the movie Hannibal?

Uh, Freddie versus Jason?

Please. You don't honestly think
that regaling me with a list of
the owners' mediocre movies

is really going to influence whether
I rent this property or not?

May I see the specs, please?

I think I'm gonna go take a look around.

Mkay. But, um...

Don't go too far.

So, I'm assuming the tenant will move out
of the guest house if I decide to rent
this behemoth?

Ah. Now, why don't you tell me
about the household staff that
come along with this property?

Okay. Listen to this. Um...

"Walking through Fred Segal this week,

I could sense all was not right
in the world of consumerism.
Something's wrong."

You said that.

What?

Well, you said all was not right,
and then you said something's wrong.

Just... it seems redundant.

Okay. May I?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

"There's an invasion underway.

Our troops are in Iraq, in Afghanistan,
and we are here, shopping."

What are you doing to your voice?

It's my radio commentator voice.

You have to have one.

Can I continue now?

Yeah. Sorry.

Thank you.

"Is the main mission of our troops
the protection of our way of life,

and is our way of life defined
by our consumerism?

Are women and men dying in Iraq so that
back home we can shop til we drop?"

Is consumerism the right word?

Well. It's a little vulgar.

But it's amusing.

Could you live like this?

Why don't we find out?

Hey.

What are you doing?

I couldn't be expected...

...to have a property like this
without seeing if it's conducive...

...to this.

Hey.

Could you live like this?

Oh yeah...

Helena. You've seen the matching...

...his and hers walk-in closets?

Or should I say hers and hers?

- Shane! Hey. |- Hey.

You're alive.

I haven't seen you around,
how've you been?

How's, uh...

Oh, it's uh...

it's better, thank you.

I've been worried about you.

Thanks.

Um. So where you off to?

Work.

Hair job, or Veronica Bloom job?

Hair job. It's a day call.

Um. Well, have a good one.

You too.

Most of this stuff is just crap, man.

They're not doin' nothin' but talkin'.

Sometimes they eat.

What do you think, lesbians
just fuck all the time?

Obviously not, but if
they don't start soon...

we're not gonna...

What the fuck is this, man?

It's none of your fucking -
why are you so fucking nosey? God.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's some total lez who's
never gonna give you the time of
day and you're rock hard for her!

Jesus. I bet you just fucking
sit here all night jacking off
while you watch her sleep!

You shut the fuck up!

Great. This is just fuckin' perfect.

We've been best friends for how long?

Just get out of here.

And now you're gonna fuck up
this gig we've been working
our asses off on for some chick?

News flash, man! This girl you're
crushing on is never gonna be with you!

You've got a real live dick! And that
disqualifies you from getting up in there!

Bette. Leo and I have something
we're very excited about and
we'd like to share with you.

Leo?

We just wanted to let you know that
Helena Peabody is going to be joining
the CAC's steering committee.

What?

We're going to welcome her at our
regular board meeting tomorrow.

I'm sure you can appreciate
what a coup it is for the CAC to have
a Peabody on the Board of Directors.

Not to put too fine a point on it,

but she's bringing Allyn Barnes with
her to her first Board of Directors meeting.

Allyn Barnes is coming to our board meeting?

Mm-hmm.

Allyn and Peggy are old friends.

She's known Helena since
she was a little girl.

There's a rumor that Allyn Barnes
has been contemplating a career retrospective.

The Modern's been after her for years.

She's pretty resistant.

I mean, everybody knows
Allyn hates the art world.

But, Helena thinks she might be ready. Now I've asked
your department to put together some press clippings
of the CAC so we can present it to her tomorrow.

Well, I'd like to go over those materials.

This is Leo's strength, Bette.
Why don't we just let him do his thing?

We'll see you tomorrow at six. Hm?

Come on.

This is more like it.

Do you think?

Bette saw this house in
"Architectural Digest"

she said it was the quintessential
California beach house.

Hm. Did she, now?

There are eight bedrooms all together, uh,

not including the guesthouse,

and there's a nanny's quarters down below.

What, Walter?

Please just tell me what you have
to tell me - no digressions.

Amazing view.

No, no, Walter, I do not ex - Walter,
what did I charge you with?

Don't tell me things I don't want to hear!

That's not what I pay you for!

Do you wanna show me the kitchen?

Walter, no, here's what's happening.

I'm moving to Los Angeles, and
I want my children here with me,

so just fucking well make it happen,
and call me when it's done!

So? Do we like it?

It's spectacular.

Okay.

I'll move in tomorrow.

Okay...

Hi, I'm Winnie Mann.
Thanks for seeing me.

Really nice to meet you.

I, uh, I didn't know that
you would be bringing -

I don't have a nanny, so when the kids are
with me, they are with me. I hope it's not

Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's great.

Do you remember me?

I'm - we met in New York.

Don't take it personally,
it takes more than one meeting.

Wilson, wait, um, uh -

Oh, sweetie, sweetie!

No, no, no, no, no. Oh. See, this...

is a Richard Prince,
and it goes right there.

Hey, would you guys like to go swimming?

Yeah, that'd be great!

Yeah, can we?

Uh, well, I don't really swim,
do you think you might go in with them?

Sure.

Okay. Okay, will you listen to this one?

Okay, so basically I'm gonna get
someone from the left, someone from
the right, someone from the center -

local, elected officials, whatever.

And then I'm gonna interview
them about trends. 'Kay? So.
"State Attorney General Wachtel,

have you shopped for your new granddaughter
at the new "La La Ling"
baby store in Las Feliz?" So.

Mm-hmm.

So, I'm trying to get that intersection
between culture and politics.

I don't know. Al, it's good.
It's just - it's not funny.

It's not supposed to be funny.

Hello? Have you listened to KCRW?

Yeah, but didn't Mimi ask you
personally to try out for this?

So?

So, she must want you to be you.

No, I'm going to be a funny
person on the radio.

I don't know why everybody
thinks I'm so funny.

Because you are. Alice,
you're a funny lady,

and it's one of the things I love
about you, and I'm not the only one.

I don't like you very much right now.

It makes me so hot when you're angry.

Oh yeah?

Oh yeah.

You're totally topping me again.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you
through the feathers, Pillow Queen.

Have you always been a top?

I'm not a top.

Yeah, you are.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you are.

You know what I want you to do?

What?

I want you to fuck me
really hard with a strap-on.

I don't know if I can do that.

But you're doing it right now
without even using one.

Okay.

Yeah?

Twisted my arm.

You know, Bette, I - I know you
don't know me, but, um,

I'm taking a wild stab that maybe
we have some interests in common.

What are you asking me to do?

I'd like you to be a character witness...
against... you know who.

I know she's coming on to
your board of directors.

Yeah, she's everywhere.

Can't seem to get away from her.

That's how she deals. She colonizes.

- She fuckin' plunders and pillages,
that's|- Uh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was bad.

Bette, we've got a court
hearing in six weeks.

You want me to appear in court?

Yes.

Jesus, Winnie. I don't know.

I mean, I'm really gonna
have to think about it.

It's, you know, it's not just that
she's on my board of directors,
but there's Tina, the...

Well, fuck, I understand
if you don't want to -

No, it's not that I don't want to.

Believe me, I would love nothing more
than to stand up in court and say
what I think of... you know who.

You wanna play again?

Yeah.

Okay. One, two, three.

Ahh!

Woo!

Um. I - I - I just saw you out there, and it
- I dunno, it looked like you were hiding.

I'm not hiding.

I don't believe you.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Sh -

Shane, who did this?
Who did this to you?

It doesn't matter.

No, tell me.

I will fucking kill them.

Who did this to you?

You did it.

What?

Fuck you.

Wait. Wait, wait. Look, I'm sorry.

That was a fucked-up thing to say.

Well, maybe you meant something by it.

- Maybe we should just talk and see
what happ...|- No. No. No. Can we...

can we just forget what I said?
Let's go back to being friends.

Is that what you want?

Really a lot.

I'm so angry I can barely control myself.

But, then I know the more I act like that,
the more this person can "F" me up.

But, there I am screaming
like a crazy B-I-T-C-H.

That's gotta be hell.

She made my life a living hell.

What were you doing with her, Winnie?

Is it so hard to understand? Look at Tina.

You two were separated when she met?

Yeah.

And now she has her completely enthralled.

Yeah. My first play had just debuted at PS 122.

The Voice gave it a rave, and
this person shows up and underwrites
the entire run of the show.

The next thing you know,
I've got my own theatre company,

I'm living in a five million-dollar
loft in Tribeca, and...

And starting a family.

Yeah. Hey, she'd never
even thought about kids,

but it was a dream of mine, and
she's in the business of making
people's dreams come true,

until she co-opts and makes them her own.

Mommy, I'm finished with my chicken nuggets.

Can I have some ice cream?

Uh...

I think I have some if it's okay.

Did you and your sister finish your salad?

Yep.

Alrighty.

Then you get the big prize.

Can I give you some advice about it?

I could sure use some.

Drives her crazy when you don't react.

So, she'll bait and bait and bait,
and if you just don't take it...

"We're done for now."

"We'd be clear of Barker's Pass
by now if you hadn't brought that
uppity preacher's daughter."

Hey ladies.

Oh, hello. It's Mark.

Excuse me. Is that how you
greet your roommate?

What are we watching?

We're watching a Burr Connors film festival.

Yes, Miss Jenny over here is
going to ghostwrite his memoirs.

I'm gonna be his stenographer.

No way. Do you know that I had a Burr Connor
action figure doll as a child?

You did?

I did, and I made him beat up my G.I.
Joe on a daily basis.

Are you serious? You actually
thought this guy, Burr Connor,
is more - is tougher than G.I. Joe?

Oh, pffpt. Look at him. Way tougher.

This is sentimental claptrap.

How could you possibly call
these macho men sentimental?

Um, because it's a pretext for telling
stories about, like, the purity of male
friendship and devotion.

I mean, Mark, okay,
look at all these films.

They're all fucking the same.

Chick flicks are the same!

Okay, okay, you know what?

You cannot tell that theory
to Burr Connors. No.

Kiss. Now.

Thelma and Louise

Mwah!

No more.

Where's Shane, by the way?

Um, I - I think she, uh, went out.

Where?

I dunno.

To a club?

We don't know, Mark.

Yeah.

Sixteen Candles.

Dukes of Hazzard.

Gone With the Wind, Funny Girl.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It's been...

sixteen years...

since my last confession.

And what brought you here tonight?

Everyone...

wants something from me, and...

I don't feel like I have
anything left to give.

What have you been giving up until now?

Sex.

That's mainly what people want.

Actually, I...

I don't even know at this point.
I don't - I don't - I don't know.

Do you feel you have to have sex
with everyone who wants it?

In church I didn't.

I used to, uh, live in a church shelter, so...

When was that?

I guess I was 10.

And I ran away from my foster family
because someone told me my real mom
was back in Austin.

And she used to go to that shelter
when she was trying to get clean.

Your mother was a drug addict?

Yeah.

Have you ever considered
joining a church group?

No.

No.

No, no, I don't like groups.

The thing I...

I like about confession is...

you don't have to see
the other person's face.

And you don't have to see how...

how hurt they are when they realize
that you can't be that thing they
want you to be.

You might find that there are people
who don't want anything from you.

They just want to know you.

Yeah, I haven't met anyone like that.

Anyway, there's nothing to know.

My friend, would you just consider it?

Ah, thank you.

Sure.

Alice!

What?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought that would go away.

You knew you did this to me?

Well, I wasn't doing it on purpose.
You bruise easy.

You're not the only one.

Oh, my god! I look like
I've been beaten!

I have my interview today!

It's radio.

I have to make an impression.

And I don't. You're right.

I have a photo shoot with
Women's Fitness today.

I'm the first out lesbian
they've ever put on the cover.

Well, you'll just be saying
you can be gay and a slut.

Is there any more?

Yeah!

Where.

Oh, really!

I haven't seen you guys in a couple days.
What have you been doing?

- Working.| -Training.

They've been having sex all weekend.

- Hi!|- Hey!

- Hi, everyone.|- Hi.

Um, why don't you two join us?

Okay...

Thank you. That's nice.

Hi. Hello.

So, um...

Tina was just saying that Dana
and Alice are having sex.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.
They'll be in good company.

Yeah, we haven't, though.
I've been busy and she's been busy and...

Working.

Oh, yeah, uh, let me see.

No...

Busy!

Ohh!

Okay, let's see.

Um, working!

Oh, my goodness!

Working it, working it, uh-huh.

Let us see, let us see! Open it up.

- Alright. I have...|- Oh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

I have my KCRW audition and I kinda
don't know what to do so I was...

Look, you know...

Why don't you take this.

Because passion should
never cost you respect.

No that...

Helena, I couldn't accept this.
It's Hermes.

It's vintage. And for having such a good eye,
you get to keep it.

Ohh!

Wow.

You know, I think I'd better
be getting to work.

Well, that's a shame. Why don't you
take the morning off?

Well, because it's not really
an option for me.

Of course it is. You're having breakfast
with one of your board members.

And we're gonna discuss what we're gonna
talk about with Allyn Barnes tonight.

You've gotta be kidding.

Uh, Helena has just joined
the board of directors for the CAC.

I'll see you at the meeting.

Well - Bette, why don't you come over
later tonight, after the meeting?

Tina and I have found a house.

Oh - no - Helena has found a house.

Well, you know what, why don't you
all come over tonight, we'll have a, uh...

- Yeah.|... a house warming party!

You should see this house. It's amazing.

It's the one on Broad Beach.

The one in Architectural Digest.
It's gorgeous.

Of course it is.

You know, that sounds really nice, Helena.

Maybe if I'm not too tired.

Good.

- Bye, Bette.|- Bye.

- Bye, you guys, good luck.|- Thanks.

- Hey.|- Hey.

Did I say something to offend you?

No. Look. You saved my ass.

And I'm sorry if I didn't
thank you adequately.

So thank you.

Do you know anything about, uh...

about the Samurai code, Ronin?

That one of those Hong Kong action flicks?

No, it's a book actually.

I was really into that shit when
I was like 13, 14, got my first
degree black belt in Shotoka.

Lucky for me, huh?

Yeah. Well, according to the Samurai code,

if you save someone's ass you're
forever indebted to that person.

You're - it's the greatest honor and
privilege you can ever achieve.

Look, I - I said thank you.

I don't know what else you want me to do.

Not you, me.

I'm indebted to you for giving
me that opportunity.

No, so, it's like, basically,
I'm your servant, now.

No thank you.

It's just the way it's gotta be.
You're stuck with me.

Sit, please.

Oh, oh, oh! Allow me.

Will you be having a beverage, my lord?

No.

Hello?

Hi. Um, this is Jenny Schecter
for Mr. Burr Connor, please?

- Yes, Miss Schecter, come on in.
- Thank you.

It's a hard feeling to describe.

But I think that I've known for
a really long time, and I fought
against it because I knew that my...

family... wouldn't approve, but I actually
think that I've always known.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm. From the time I was a small boy, I...

I always knew I wanted to be an actor.

How cool.

So... like, what - what kinda writers
would you say you model yourself after?

Judith Krantz, Danielle Steele?
Like that?

Ew! You're kidding. I'm sorry.

Looking at you, having spent a few minutes
with you, um... I'm good at this.

Mary Gaitskill.

Wow! Thank you.

I don't know. I mean, Charlotte's pushing me
really hard right now, so my style is
just evolving pretty fast.

Well, I won't be pushing you. Okay?

I, uh... I basically just need
you to correct my grammar...

Mm-hmm.

And add an adjective or
two here and there.

'Kay. Have you - have you ever
written anything before?

No, not really. I've been
tape-recording myself.

- Oh, yeah?|- Yeah.

Oh, okay. Actually, I have this.

No. Uh. You can put that away.

Okay, then I'll put it away.

Can I - can I just use um,
my notebook?

No, go ahead.

Um, okay. I have a couple of questions
for you, to begin.

Mm-hmm.

Rod Sebring. It appears as though
you have a very profound connection
with him.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, we did three pictures together.

Yeah. The scene in, uh, in Hard Man To Know,
where you carry Mr. Sebring across Texas after
he's been shot. it's beautiful and quite romantic.

Mm-hmm. You like that movie?

I loved it! I really - I -
I thought it was like - I loved it.

- Really?|- Yeah.

You don't seem like the type.

Oh, my god. I've seen all of your films.

- I'm sure you have, yeah.|- Yep.

Burr: In the last two days, right?

Yes, but...

Okay, but - but - but my girlfriend
actually has seen all your films.

Your girlfriend.

Yeah. When she was a little kid,

she and her step-dad used to go to
all your films so now she can recite
all your dialogue.

So she's a tomboy?

Gosh, I've never thought of her like that.

I think she's just beautiful.

Well...

Miss Schecter, thank you so much
for coming on over.

And I'll be in touch with you to let
you know if I'll be needing your help.

- Oh. Okay.|- Okay.

Um, are you firing me, um...
because I'm gay?

Well, I wasn't aware that
I'd actually hired you.

But I do prefer to have certain
things flaunted in my face.

My big catch-phrase-ending could be,
um, "Go ask Alice 'cause she knows
what's goin' on!" Like...

No, that's good. That's good.

Um, look, I'm gonna go talk
to my new chef.

What?

Yeah!

You got a new chef, that's so cool.

Girl, I stole her from A.O.C.
She was training under Suzanne Goins.

Maybe I should write about that.
I mean, it - it's gotta be better
than what I have.

No, no, yours is really good, Alice!

I mean, you just gotta relax...

and breathe.

Benjamin. Right.

You bet.

Yeah.

Okay?

Yeah.

This is Alice Pieszecki reminding you
to relax and breathe. Relax and...

Reminding you to relax and breathe.

Alice.

Gabby!

I thought you'd have a more
interesting demise than muttering
to yourself at The Planet.

Yeah - wow.

Gimme a hug.

Oh. 'Kay. Oh.

- Hi!|- Hi.

You look good.

Thanks. What's wrong with you?

Mm, nothing except that I'm in love.

Yeah. Gabby Devaux in love.

Wow.

How are you? What's going on with you?

Um - I'm in love too!

Aw.

Yeah. You can't tell? Um, maybe
I'm not showing it or something -
I'm very private, so.

Alice "tell me all your secrets and
I'll sell them to the Daily Planet" Pieszecki?

So, who is the lucky lady?

Um, she - you don't know her.

I pretty much know everybody.

Well, do I know your new paramour?

She's, um - oh. Here she is.

- Hey.|- Lara?

Hey Alice.

I - I guess you do.

Hey, baby.

Did you like your recipes?

Dishes, honey, we don't call them recipes.

So, Alice, how's Dana?

She's fine! Yeah! She's great!
Actually. Great.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll see her around and stuff.
So cool - great to see you guys.

The two of you. Yeah. Okay.

- Bye.|- Yeah! Bye!

"...powered by Real Networks. KCRW,
a community service of Santa Monica College."

All this at KCRW dot com -

Alice.

Hi, Mimi.

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, you're not gonna believe
what just happened to me.

- What?|- Ohh.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

I am ready. I am ready.

Can you say a few words, please?

Yes, I ca - um -

Yep. 'Kay, good. Okay.

Hello.

Um, hi - hi, this is Alice Pieszecki.
This is - one, two, is that good?

That's good.

Um... yeah. So out walks Lara, who's the -
the ex of my current girlfriend.

And, uh, what does she do?
She makes out with my ex.

I mean - if I was gonna draw you a picture
of this, um, Alice to Dana, Dana to Lara...
Lara to Gabby - hi, gross.

Gabby to Alice. I'm just...

totally freaked out about it!

I'm sorry, it's like... ahh!

Um, I don't know, it's - well
I have this chart, and - it's -

you know, started on the back of
a napkin but now it takes up an
entire wall in my living room.

But it's about these entanglements,
you know?

It's - it's, like, got, uh,
relationships on it, one night stands

pretty much has anybody
who slept with anybody else...

That, therefore, connects me to Tina,
which connects me...

to Helena, who Tina's currently seeing...

And once you get her on the chart,
y'know, you have Warren Beatty.

Which, you have him on the chart,
you know, you pretty much have...

Presidents, Presidential interns,
I mean, I'm - I'm connected to
Monica Lewinsky. It's random. It's

I don't know, it's

I'm sorry, I'm totally rambling,
and um... 'cause I have... sorry.

It's okay, Alice.
I think we've got what we need.

I don't understand.

That's okay.

It was great, I promise you.

Since this isn't a regular meeting,
I won't regale you with details
of budget or schedule,

I'll just welcome Helena Peabody.

And turn it over to Leo.

Well, I think Helena deserves
a little more fanfare than that!

Helena, the California Arts Center
is privileged and highly honored to
welcome you to our Board of Directors.

And, Helena has a very special
guest with her tonight.

Helena, please introduce Allyn Barnes.

Well, I really don't think
Allyn needs any introduction.

She's quite simply one of the most
important living artists of our time.

Nonsense. Stop it.

Nobody outside of the art
world even knows my work.

That's an understatement, hardly anyone
in the art world knows your work.

Of course we do. Everybody remembers
Allyn Barnes' Tet Offensive.

Well, that was 1972.

I mean, Allyn, how do you propose
to show the work you've done since
you stopped showing at galleries,

because that's 30 years of work
that's never been exhibited.

Well, I'm not sure
I propose to show it at all.

Allyn doesn't have to worry about that.

We'll devote the entire museum.
All five galleries.

The CAC will be the Allyn Barnes museum.

Oh. Allyn. Please don't worry,
you're in very good hands with Leo.

What about the earth works
in Humboldt County?

I mean, A Season In Hell is one of
the most magnificent pieces of
art made during the last 20 years,

and it was destroyed due to clear-cutting.

Bette, I think you're
a little out of step here?

Allyn and I have discussed this, and -

That was what the piece was about.

Yes, but in a retrospective,
it would be a glaring omission.

There has to be some way
that we reference that work.

I mean, I feel - incredibly
privileged to have seen it.

You saw A Season In Hell?

I wrote my graduate thesis on it.

That was you? That piece that
was published in the Art Forum?

It was crude. I think that
I'm a better critical writer now.

I was so furious! You were the first person
in eighteen years that penetrated my anonymity.

Well, I did scale three fences
just to get close to it,
I thought I was gonna get shot at.

Well, you almost were shot at.
But, it was the best article that's
ever been written about my work.

I mean, you really, really understood
what I was going after.

I attended your lecture series
the semester you taught at Yale.

So you must've studied with Si Stillman?

Oh, my god! He hated me!

Did Si give you that exercise where
you had to write about a Vasarely
after a story by Borges?

"Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius.
" That was the story I chose.

Reality of Perception. Labyrinth
of Time and Space...

- Hey!|- Oh, was it that bad?

I fucked it up massively.

And how did you manage that?

Well, I think that Mister Connor
doesn't like the fact that I'm a lesbian.

You told him that?

Yeah.

And how did that happen?

Guess it just sort of came out.
And I was - I was talking about you.

Aww. You outed me to Burr Connor!

He's a big, creepy homophobe.

Oh. Well don't worry about it.
Most men from that generation are.

- Hey.|- Hey.

Um. Look, a few of us are...

gonna go hang out, you think
you might wanna come?

I dunno, I, uh...

Okay.

How 'bout this.

As my servant, I'm instructing you to come
and hang out, because I need the protection.

Alright.

Good answer.

So, it's all about things
that are connected.

It can be funny, it can be serious,
as long as it fits the premise.

I'm so proud of you.

The Chart with Alice Pieszecki,
Fridays at 3 on KCRW.

Ooh, good voice.

You like?

Yeah.

Alice, make out with me.

So what made you pick the chart?
You had so many other ideas.

Um... I don't know. Actually,
I ran into Gabby Devaux. Blugh!

You did!

Yeah, and she was all,
"Let's be friends!" You know?

I don't understand what
this need to have a, uh,

deep yet sexless relationship
with an ex that treated you shitty
and cheated on you, but... hey.

Yeah, I, you know, don't necessarily
think we should be friends with our exes.

Really! You agree, huh?

Yeah, I do.

Huh. Well, what if one of your exes
just kinda showed up like that?

Well, uh, I'm not ready to be friends
with Tonya, if that's what you mean.

Right.

What about, uh... I don't know,
like... Lara.

Alice, I haven't thought about
Lara in a long time.

I don't know. I don't -
I guess we could be friends?

Unless you don't want me to.

I'll go get that.

Hello? Hi, Jenny, it's Dana.
Hol - hold on.

Um, Jenny and Carmen aren't
going to Helena's.

Really? Where they going?

Where you going?

Is this an LA thing?

You invite people, they say they're gonna come,
and then they just don't show up?

It is. I remember being shocked
by it when I first moved here.

Now I'm just used to it.

Yeah, well, it's not gonna fly with me.

Well, you'll just have to send
formal invitations next time.

I'm not so sure there's
gonna be a next time.

I'm not very forgiving when
it comes to social transgressions.

Come on. This is nice.

We get to be alone together
in your new house, and initiate
it all by ourselves.

Or am I not enough for you?

You're more than enough for me.

Oh, my god.

Hi!

What are you doing?

We thought we'd invite ourselves over,
if that's okay.

What about Helena and Tina's?

Oh, no, it's too far.
Malibu's such a drive.

Oh, the curse of the west side.

And it is family night.

How are you?

Hi. Good to see you.

I guess I'll... order pizza!

Oh, let me. I feel privilege being
invited to your family night. Um. Angeli?

Sure. I think the phone is on the credenza.

Hey, Mark. Can you get one with,
like, ricotta cheese or something?

I think they call it, like,
the quattro stagione.

What's it called?

The quattro stagione.

Kah-tro sta-gee-on?

Um, how'd it go with Burr Connors?

The Burr Connors?

Yeah! Jenny's ghostwriting his memoirs.

Not after today.

That one, and my friend Alice
wanted the, uh, meat lover's.

So, everybody, everybody.
Congratulate Alice.

Congratulate Alice!

Congratulations!

Will you guys listen?

To what?

To her show!

Can you do a radio voice?

No.

Come on. Just do it. Just do it.

No! I never wanna hear
the radio voice again! Please!

Doesn't everyone have one?

"But there must be something I'm missing,
please tell me again."

Cheers.

Drink, Bette?