The L Word (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Labyrinth - full transcript
Bette tries to fix her relationship with Tina who temporarily settles in the house, but she gets a rude awakening with some bad news at work when Helena Peabody arrives in Los Angeles to stay, and maliciously withdraws her grant from the CAC and gives a $100,000 grant to Tina's social work office. Things go from bad to worse for Bette when she later finds out that she was the last to know about Tina's pregnancy. Meanwhile, Alice and Dana try taking their secret relationship to a different level with new sexual positions. Tonya throws a bachelorette party at The Planet with Dana's and Tonya's mothers in attendance, and Carmen as the DJ. Shane starts her new job as the PA to the egotistical Veronica Bloom who does not pass up any opportunity to exploit Shane's personal wit to get what she wants. Jenny gets some confidence from her new shortened hairstyle, while Mark launches a new video project, with both Jenny and Shane being the center of it. But when they both back out, Mark and his sleazy friend, Gomey, install hidden cameras all over the house to get the footage needed.
lt's the second set of elevators
to the right.
Holy shit.
Mark, you will not believe
what l'm looking at.
l can't live in a stranger's house
or a motel...
...and l'm not going back
to Alice's couch.
l don't think it's fair that l'm being
punished for something l didn't do.
So l'm gonna stay in the guest room
until l find a place of my own.
-Welcome home.
-l'm not home.
-l've gained some weight.
-l don't care.
Oh, you don't care? That's nice.
No, l meant to say
that l'm just happy...
...to be looking at you,
standing here in our house.
-Well?
-Definitely an award-winner.
Fuck you, man.
This is a quality fuck tape.
-Mark here. Testing. Testing.
-What are you up to?
-Starting a new project.
-Well, what is it?
-You'll see.
-l'm your partner, you gotta tell me.
Look, l'm not ready
to talk about it yet, okay?
lt's still in its concept stages,
but l will tell you that it is genius.
-What?
-You just got cruised.
-Do you think she was looking at me?
-Oh, yeah. ln broad daylight too.
l love my haircut.
l'm sorry. l just wanted to give you
some fresh towels.
Bette, there's something
l need to talk to you about.
Okay.
Maybe later?
Will you be home tonight?
l will be if you want me to be.
l'll see you tonight then, okay?
Okay.
Hey, my name is Mark Wayland...
...and l live in a house
with two lesbians.
Now, l know what you're thinking.
You're wondering if l've hit it yet.
Well, the thing is,
they're two real lesbians...
...or else l would have.
But don't worry, l'm still gonna try.
Anyway, this is gonna be a project
which will offer insight....
This is fucking lame.
Come in.
Shut the door.
Here, sit.
-So?
-Does Tina have an appointment...
...to see an apartment today?
Not today.
The owner wasn't available--
l want you to take your time.
Don't push it.
Okay, but l thought
Tina needs a place to--
You call her at home and tell her
that you're working on it.
l don't want you to lie,
l just want you to take your time.
When you say ''at home,''
should l call her at...?
At our home.
She moved back in this morning.
That's great. That's what you wanted,
right? So why don't l just cancel it?
Well, because in her mind,
she's thinking that it's only temporary.
She's still planning
to find a place of her own.
l'm just hoping that once she's
ensconced, she'll decide to stay.
l see, so you want us
to take our time looking...
...but still help Tina look,
but not really look too hard.
Exactly.
-Fuck, Mark, not again.
-Guys, just hear me out.
l got something to say l think
you're gonna like.
Well, l think that's wildly
presumptuous of you, Mark.
Hey, Shane.
Hello. Mark here,
asking the girls if they're in.
l'm about to show them that this
is about me...
...that l would never ask them
to expose themselves if l wasn't...
...willing to expose myself,
like, way more.
For example, l may tell about the time
my boy Gomey...
...used to hide in the closet...
...when l brought girls
back to our dorm room.
That isn't exactly
a self-revelation, Mark.
Oh, l'll dig. l can go way deeper.
-What does this have to do with us?
-Right, okay, so....
Starting a new project.
-That's great.
-Yes, it is great.
lt's gonna be kind of this journal
of my life with the two of you guys.
Basically, it's gonna be interviews
every so often.
You're not gonna know the cameras
are around. This is going to be...
...the best thing l've ever done.
And if l can just get some footage,
which, obviously, l think l can...
...then l know l can
get this thing financed...
...and we can all get paid,
which l know you need.
Mark, l think
that there's a lot of '' l''s...
...contradicting the ''we''s
in your run-on sentence.
That is because l am going
to handle all of the details...
...while you two just sit back
and be your gorgeous...
...sexy selves and get paid for that.
Plus, l mean, honestly, think about
how educational this is gonna be...
...for people who don't know anything
about people like you.
What do you think he means,
'' people like us''?
-Oh, my.
-What do you think he means?
Oh, l think he's referring
to bean-fiddlers.
-Oh, the bobbing-for-apple girls.
-'' Bean-fiddlers''?
-Yes. Sassiness. Oh, yes.
-Yes, the gay women.
But, honestly, guys, just think
about how much you're gonna be...
...helping out some
poor, little, lonely lez...
...stuck out in the Midwest
without a role model in sight.
-Very important.
-That could be you two.
Okay, to show you how very certain
l am that l will get this funded...
...l will give you both 20 bucks apiece,
per interview, of my own money.
ls this gonna be, like--
What's the thing called?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Right, right.
-Lesbians Gone Wild.
-Lesbians Gone Wild, sure.
Or is this gonna be, like, you know--
Or the Maysles brothers?
Meets D.A. Pennebaker...
...with a little bit of Nick Broomfield
thrown in there.
-What do you think? Well?
-Okay.
-Yes? Okay?
-No.
No. We'll think about it.
Okay.
How cute would these
be in the bachelorette gift bags?
Oh, my God.
Guys, guys? Yeah.
l could take care of this whole
gift-bag shopping thing myself.
No, no. Are you kidding?
This is the best part.
Oh, my God.
Ladies, how about a little of this?
Tonya, Tonya! Tonya, stop it!
-But it's nice.
-Stop it.
She's not a fan.
l guess this is a little more
up your alley, Alice.
Actually, Tonya, this might
be a little more up my alley.
-More than this?
-Maybe a little.
-Oh, really?
-Okay, stop it, both of you.
Which would you rather put
in your mouth, Al?
l don't understand you bisexuals.
l mean, really, make up
your minds already. Right, honey?
Make up your minds already.
Hey, l got a question for you.
What is the primary lesbian sex act?
The primary lesbian sex act?
Well, for straight people,
it's fucking, right?
And everything we do, the kissing,
the fondling, the foreplay...
...all of it, it leads up to that one,
ultimate, foregone conclusion.
And what makes you think
that lesbians don't fuck?
lt's not possible.
Unless we're talking dildos,
which is cool, but it's not--
Are you fucking kidding?
lt's completely possible.
l'm just-- l'm asking
because l wanna know.
l'm trying to gain
some understanding here, please.
Where do you live, Mark?
lt's entirely possible.
-l'm sorry.
-ls this a joke?
Mark, l mean, do you want us
to demonstrate?
Because this is obvious what this
whole thing is leading up to, right?
Hey, no, look.
lf you were writing a novel
and you had some questions for me...
...l would totally be there for you.
l'm trying to gain some insight here.
Just simply trying to gain
an insight.
Some unique perspective
for us guys who don't understand...
...something we haven't heard
from anywhere else before. God.
Don't be so aggressive
because it's embarrassing.
And there you have it.
A sex tip for all us horndogs
out there...
...from the lesbian
sexual conquistador herself.
All right, boilerplate release form
l need you to sign.
Where'd the other one go?
l need Shane to-- Shane?
What, still too aggressive?
This is NPR, National Public Radio.
The number of Americans living
in poverty rose by 1. 7 million.
Global shrinking
and the economy's still shaky.
Those numbers were anticipated,
but they do expect to tak e....
-Hey.
-l made too much.
-Do you want me to fix you a plate?
-No, stay. l'll go get it.
You look really great.
You're kind of...
...glowing.
Thanks.
-l wanna tell you--
-God.
l had the worst fucking day today.
Thanks to Peabody's
cunt daughter...
...our grant is now in jeopardy,
and Franklin's completely flipping out.
You can't imagine how fucked
l'm gonna be if they pull it.
-l spent the day raising money too.
-lt's incredible, isn't it?
lmagine if the future
of the museum...
...that you dedicated the last four years
of your life to were depending on it.
Actually, the future of a lot
of children's educations...
...depends on whether l raise
this money.
l wasn't suggesting
that it's any less important.
lt breaks my heart. lt does...
...but do you want those kids
to grow up in a world without art?
No.
Of course not.
You had something you wanted
to talk to me about this morning?
lt was nothing.
l just wanted to say good night.
Good night.
l'm sorry about dinner.
lt's a habit. l'm trying to break it.
lt's not all your fault.
l hope you'll feel like
talking to me tomorrow.
l think maybe l will.
Oh, my God, this is great.
Alice, we're not back together.
-Well, l'm just saying hi.
-Hi.
So, what are you guys
doing here together?
l'm staying at the house
until l get a place of my own.
Nice! Nice!
This is good, this is good,
this is good, this is good.
l'm just gonna go see Kit.
Yeah, she's in the back with some
hunka-hunka burnin' love.
Benjamin Bradshaw.
-Oh, who is he?
-He's this business guru.
She took one seminar with him.
She's getting a private consultation.
Okay.
Okay. What's happening?
l mean, are you guys not together?
Because you look like you are.
Well, let's just say
l'm not ruling it out.
Okay, so she was cool with the...?
She didn't freak? What--?
-l haven't told her yet.
-What?
But she's gotta know.
She must know.
l mean, she's gotta know.
ls she fucking blind?
Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself.
She doesn't see what's in front of her.
lt's a problem. lt's always been
one of our problems.
Yeah, Tina, this isn't really just
a Bette problem. You have to tell her.
Come in.
Hey, baby sis.
Benjamin Bradshaw,
this is my little sister, Bette Porter.
-Nice to meet you.
-Kit's told me so much about you.
l understand you've been
through some difficulty.
lf you feel you need someone
to talk to....
Benjamin, she's not ready
for that right now.
Benjamin and l have been going over
last month's statements...
...and you would be amazed
at the results of my work in TOE.
-TOE?
-T-O-E, Theory of Everything.
lt's a physics principle
uniting our understanding...
...of the fundamental forces
of nature...
...into a single equation
that's applicable to every question...
...about life on Earth.
lt's the basis of my system
of personal transformation.
Bette, since my work in TOE...
...the Planet has gone
from being in the red to black.
-And?
-And l've prepaid the mortgage...
-...through September.
-And...?
And Benjamin is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Well, that's not what l was after,
but thank you.
l was going to say,
''And you're welcome to join Kit...
...when she attends
the advanced seminar next month.''
l'll waive the introductory course
for you because Kit tells me...
...you're accomplished
in your own right.
Thank you. l guess.
Well....
Just, you know, let me know
when the next seminar is...
...and l will give it some thought.
You know what, l really don't know,
is Jenny always so weird?
She's not weird. She's great.
Well, maybe she's one of those people
that's constantly in her head.
Carmen, she's a writer.
She's supposed to be like that.
Will you take a listen to this, please,
and let me know if you think...
...they'll be down for it.
l don't have much of a sense...
...of Dana and Tonya,
so that would help.
You-- You kissed her.
-What?
-You kissed Jenny.
-Oh, okay. Right, yeah.
-Right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, l did, but....
lt was just the circumstances. l mean,
l didn't think that you would mind.
-Then, no, and l-- Hey, and l don't.
-Okay.
Good. Thank God.
You should....
You should give her a chance.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-You know what?
-What? What is it?
Don't try to hook me up.
-Bye.
-Bye.
lf she wants her story done right, she's
gonna do a deal with Veronica Bloom.
-Veronica, you called me--
-Maybe.
l need somebody to prime her
before l go in and do my thing.
-l'm right beside you.
-Yeah.
And so is your Fred Segal haircut
and your Prada suit.
Look, l need somebody
who looks relatively human...
...or at least is a credible simulation,
and that's where Hair Girl comes in.
-Fuck you.
-Hey, hey. Please.
lt won't happen again,
just get in the car.
Shane. Shane.
Shane, get in the car.
Shane. Shane. Come on, Shane.
Come on, come on.
l got a present for you, baby.
After we clinch the deal,
we can go get a mani-pedi!
Come on! Come on, Shane! Come on.
l talked to Tina. We're gonna look
at apartments next week.
The fucking Peabody Foundation
hasn't awarded us a single penny.
-They've pulled our funding.
-Oh, there's gotta be another page.
Here.
Shit.
Wait a minute. Tina got a Peabody.
Oh, my God, you guys,
they are awarding us $1 00, 000!
You did it!
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
l think that's it, Tina. l don't think
they're giving us another one.
Oscar is gonna flip!
Can you guys excuse me
for a minute?
Hello.
-Bette?
-l'm here.
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
l saw the Peabody posting.
Congratulations.
l'm sorry, Bette.
Is there anything I can do?
Well, you could support me.
l'll take time off...
-...and start looking into a new career.
-That's not fair, Bette.
Why did you go after the Peabody,
some kind of vendetta against me?
-You're being ridiculous.
-Oh, I agree. It's ridiculous to think...
...because l shared my life
and supported you...
...you would have any compunction
about fucking with my livelihood.
-You could have at least warned me.
-lt's not easy to tell you things, Bette.
Not everything is easy, Tina.
-But--
-You know what? I'm getting upset...
...so l'm gonna hang up the phone.
Fuck!
Fuck!
We just got a phone call. Helena
Peabody is on her way over here.
-Right now?
-Yes.
We got the biggest grant they gave.
Nobody else got as much money.
She's coming with a camera crew.
lt was your proposal, Tina.
Okay, let's get this place
looking sharp, but not too sharp.
We don't want her to think
that we don't need the money.
The woman we're about to meet
was a prostitute.
She was run by the Russian Mob
until they tried to take her daughter.
She goes against them,
which nobody does, and gets out alive.
They already fucked up her face.
We wanna make a movie of her story.
What we're after here
is her life rights.
Priscilla Nabochenko is gonna
sell us the rights to her life.
The woman sure knows
how to create a media event.
Holy shit.
Where's Tina Kennard?
You wrote this proposal?
Yes.
lt brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you. l'm flattered.
Why don't you give me
the grand tour...
...of the Headquarters
for Social Justice?
Sure. Right this way.
Oh, my God, it's gonna be such
a great bachelorette party.
l know. So, what were you saying
about me?
l thought you had great tits.
You noticed my tits?
Right away.
Oh, come on. They were like,
'' Hello there.''
They were talking to you?
-A whole conversation.
-Okay.
So how about you with me?
l thought you were a hottie.
-Get out.
-l did.
Did you really?
Yeah.
Really.
Dana?
Yeah?
You have a really nice ass.
God. Oh, God. Take me.
Just take me to bed now.
Okay.
Okay, here. Help me.
l just-- l just wanna fuck you so bad.
Just kiss me.
Take my clothes off. Take my pants off.
Okay. Okay.
They're tight. Yeah, okay.
Okay, pull.
Oh, God, l just
wanna fuck you so bad.
Pull.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-You okay? Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
-You okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
-lt's too tight.
-Don't rip it.
-Are you okay?
-l want more of you.
No, no. Fingers.
Fingers. More fingers.
You are making the biggest mistake
if you sign with the Bruckheimers.
-Do you know who Veronica Bloom is?
-Aaron, that's enough.
Why don't we let Priscilla
have a minute to breathe.
-What?
-You stay here.
You want some fruit juice
or something?
Oh, no. No, no, no, l'm okay,
thank you.
So, what do you do for the movies?
Are you a producer or something?
Fuck, no. l'm a hairstylist.
And l guess
l'm Veronica's assistant too.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Hairstylist?
-Yep.
That's something l always
wanted to do.
You could do it.
You know, l....
l used to do what you do, kind of.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Yeah, l used to trick around
Santa Monica Boulevard.
And there was this guy.
He was-- You know, he was weird,
but he was okay.
He sent me to hairdressing school.
ls she okay?
Well, l guess l called it,
didn't l, Shane?
You're the closer.
Yes, l know.
V, that is awesome. Congratulations.
l had to add a caveat in writing
to her deal memo.
Priscilla now has it in her deal
that she gets to work with you.
-Oh, Veronica, that's not cool.
-lt's totally cool, Shane.
We did it. We did it.
We fucking did it!
This is gonna be
a phenomenal project!
Total Academy Awards time.
l am thinking Angelina Jolie.
Maybe Julia Roberts.
Maggie Gyllenhaal, if we wanna do
something really quirky.
You know, this is great.
And you should all be really proud
of yourselves.
Excuse me. l'm just gonna--
Cut. l'm just gonna-- l'll be back.
l'll come back and talk to you, okay?
When's your baby due?
-l'm at 1 4 weeks.
-Are you having twins?
Hey, you're beautiful.
l didn't want to
make you uncomfortable.
That's okay.
l'm just starting to get used
to showing.
l find it quite sexy, actually.
My kids are still in New York.
Can't tell you how much l miss them.
You have children?
One adopted,
one my partner gave birth to.
We're separated.
Just to get that out of the way.
My partner and l are too.
l'm doing this on my own.
You know, l have a feeling
you and l are gonna find out...
...we have quite a lot in common.
Have dinner with me tonight.
My friend is having
this bachelorette party...
-...and l have to--
-Tina?
Excuse me. Bette's here.
She's got flowers.
That's my ex.
l've been there.
Go ahead.
l'll be right back. Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
l'm really sorry that we fought.
l just-- l wanna try to make it up.
Well, maybe, but not right now.
Right now l'm doing something.
You said some hurtful things too. l'm
here to say let's leave it behind us...
...and, you know, we were doing well.
Yeah, and l'm saying you can't throw
flowers at it and expect it to go away.
Not everything can be
on your time, Bette.
Hello, Bette.
l'll be just a minute, Helena.
ls everything all right?
What is going on?
What are you doing?
l'm here to publicize
our grant announcements.
The foundation wants to send
a message about our agenda.
That's not what l meant.
What are you doing
with my girlfriend?
-Bette--
-lt's really none of my business...
...but Tina doesn't seem to think
she is your girlfriend.
That would be right,
it is none of your business.
Stop it.
Tina, l'm sorry.
You shouldn't be dealing
with this kind of nonsense...
...especially not in your condition.
What condition is that?
-Tonya, honey.
-Oh, crap.
-You don't want her to see it.
-Good call, Mom.
lt's no sweat, princess.
l'll stow it in the car.
Oh, you cutie.
How are the bachelorette
gift bags coming?
Look at these two, so hard-working
when we were out having fun.
Pookie, oh, you have to-- Mom?
Now, this is Alice.
This is Dana's best friend.
-Oh, that one.
-This is my mom, Dotty.
Hi!
Hi. Hello.
We have to show you what we bought.
Oh, you will just die. Come on.
l have a present for you.
Come on. Come. Come see!
Monstrosity.
Hi.
Can I help you, please?
What have I told you?
Okay.
Stop staring.
What have I told you?
She's flesh and blood, just lik e we are.
No.
She can't help it.
Monstrosity.
-Hello?
-Hello!
-Who is that?
-lt's Bette.
-Hi.
-l'm sorry to bust in on you. l just--
-ls Shane here?
-No, not right now.
Did you know that Tina
was pregnant?
Yeah.
Bette, you didn't know?
Oh, my God, how did you not know?
Because l'm just the biggest asshole
in the universe, l guess that's how!
Because l'm just some kind of huge
cosmological joke, is what l am.
No, you're not.
Okay?
Tina obviously must have
gone out of her way...
...to keep this a secret from you.
She must hate me.
She must actually fucking hate me.
No.
She doesn't hate you.
Come here.
Come here.
l think that this is so much more
complicated than that.
And you can't give up, okay?
You cut your hair.
It looks great.
-You look great.
-Okay, l take your point, man.
Yeah. Hidden cameras,
it's the way to do this.
Oh, fuck.
All right, we will do a few more...
...but strategically
and respectfully placed.
Fuck respectfully.
Dude.
Aren't you girls brave
to get way up there!
Don't you like them?
lsn't it great, Sharon?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, look who's gonna get it.
Oh, there you go.
Now, look, you have to do this.
Sharon, watch this.
There you go.
l've been to Vegas,
and l think you'd be good there.
-Sharon, it's time to make your toast.
-Oh, is it time?
Okay.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Carmen.
Thank you. Excuse me, everyone.
Everyone?
Hi. l'm Sharon Fairbanks.
l'm Dana's mother.
When my daughter...
...the bride...
...first came out to me, l....
l didn't take it very well.
Actually, l took it pretty badly.
Very badly.
But since l've come to know Tonya...
...l think it's absolutely the right thing
for my daughter.
Dana, l can see
that you've found love...
...and it doesn't matter
what form it takes.
All that matters is that you're happy.
l love you, Dana.
And l want the world to know...
...that l give Tonya and you...
...my blessing.
-That was so nice.
-Thank you so much.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going?
Nowhere. l was-- l was--
l forgot a gift.
l was gonna get a gift.
You did it, didn't you?
You and Dana.
What? No. No, no, no.
Yeah.
All right. Hand me those pliers.
Are you sure that you're
gonna be okay?
Yeah. l'm just gonna go find Kit.
-Okay.
-But thanks for coming with me.
Good luck.
-How are you?
-l'm good. l'm glad you showed.
Well, l got some writing done,
and l had a burst of confidence.
-So there.
-Good.
-You should talk to her.
-l can't, Shane.
She thinks l'm so weird. She does.
Yeah, she probably does.
But if she's as cool
as l know she is...
...it won't put her off.
Okay. What should l do?
lt's always a good idea
to bring the DJ a drink.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
Okay.
May l have a beer, please?
Thank you.
Oh, fuck.
-How do you like the party?
-Hi, it's great. Have you seen Alice?
lt's time for your bachelorette
lap dance.
-No, not in front of my mother.
-What are you, silly? Look.
l think she's having a good time.
Check it out.
There's nine altogether.
Oh, fucking awesome.
-What about the rest?
-What rest?
-Bedrooms, bathrooms--
-Dude, have a little fucking respect.
They're my roommates.
Jesus.
Look, l didn't do bathrooms, man.
That crosses a personal line for me...
-...but we're in.
-Fucking sweet, man.
How long have you all known?
Not long. l mean, she was hiding it
from everybody.
She probably didn't know
what to say, Bette.
Don't kill yourself over it.
l was actually pleased to see
she had put on weight...
...because l thought, one,
if she's eating to cover her pain...
...that means she's still in love
with me.
And two, if she's overweight, she might
have trouble finding someone else.
So l thought that maybe, eventually,
if she could learn--
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, who's that?
Make me another.
Make it a double, please.
Hey, baby sis, what's up?
-Who that?
-That's Helena Peabody.
l can't believe she brought her here.
You want me to ask her to leave?
-Congratulations.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Good, good.
-Hi.
-Hi. Helena Peabody.
Hi. Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Dana, Tonya, this is Helena Peabody.
l hope you don't mind
my crashing your party.
At least l didn't come empty-handed.
From me and Tina.
-Presents!
-Just a few things we scrounged up.
-Here we go.
-The Philips Senseo coffeepot!
Oh, and a kettle.
Wow, that's very, very generous.
-Oh, hello.
-Hello.
l'm afraid l may have
overcompensated.
You know how it is
when you're the uninvited guest.
Actually, l've never been
the uninvited guest.
l prefer not to go
where l'm not wanted.
What makes you think
Helena's not wanted?
lnitial observations and theories:
These girls talk about everything.
Now, l don't know if that's, like,
strictly a lesbian thing or what...
...but, man, these girls are all up
in one another's business.
Now, don't get me wrong,
l think talk's great. l'm loving the talk.
l gotta admit, l'm hoping soon we're
gonna get to partake in a little action.
Alice, l thought you were ignoring us.
No, l-- You know....
Everybody?
Hi!
Everybody, this is
Dana's best friend...
...and she wants to give a toast.
Congratulations, you two.
Sorry, l'm a little--
l've known Dana a long time...
...and l guess, like most things
that are right in front of your eyes...
...you don't see just how wonderful
they are until they're gone.
Tonya...
...you are the luckiest woman
on Earth.
To my friend....
What can l say?
Congratulations.
l love you, so....
Okay.
What do you say we leave,
quit torturing ourselves?
Just something l have to do.
Dana, Tonya.
l lift my glass...
...to caring and kindness and trust...
...and longevity and respect...
...to all the things that you'll need
to keep your love alive.
l wish you...
...happiness.
And l hope that you forever
spare each other pain.
And if you find that isn't possible...
...then l wish you forgiveness.
to the right.
Holy shit.
Mark, you will not believe
what l'm looking at.
l can't live in a stranger's house
or a motel...
...and l'm not going back
to Alice's couch.
l don't think it's fair that l'm being
punished for something l didn't do.
So l'm gonna stay in the guest room
until l find a place of my own.
-Welcome home.
-l'm not home.
-l've gained some weight.
-l don't care.
Oh, you don't care? That's nice.
No, l meant to say
that l'm just happy...
...to be looking at you,
standing here in our house.
-Well?
-Definitely an award-winner.
Fuck you, man.
This is a quality fuck tape.
-Mark here. Testing. Testing.
-What are you up to?
-Starting a new project.
-Well, what is it?
-You'll see.
-l'm your partner, you gotta tell me.
Look, l'm not ready
to talk about it yet, okay?
lt's still in its concept stages,
but l will tell you that it is genius.
-What?
-You just got cruised.
-Do you think she was looking at me?
-Oh, yeah. ln broad daylight too.
l love my haircut.
l'm sorry. l just wanted to give you
some fresh towels.
Bette, there's something
l need to talk to you about.
Okay.
Maybe later?
Will you be home tonight?
l will be if you want me to be.
l'll see you tonight then, okay?
Okay.
Hey, my name is Mark Wayland...
...and l live in a house
with two lesbians.
Now, l know what you're thinking.
You're wondering if l've hit it yet.
Well, the thing is,
they're two real lesbians...
...or else l would have.
But don't worry, l'm still gonna try.
Anyway, this is gonna be a project
which will offer insight....
This is fucking lame.
Come in.
Shut the door.
Here, sit.
-So?
-Does Tina have an appointment...
...to see an apartment today?
Not today.
The owner wasn't available--
l want you to take your time.
Don't push it.
Okay, but l thought
Tina needs a place to--
You call her at home and tell her
that you're working on it.
l don't want you to lie,
l just want you to take your time.
When you say ''at home,''
should l call her at...?
At our home.
She moved back in this morning.
That's great. That's what you wanted,
right? So why don't l just cancel it?
Well, because in her mind,
she's thinking that it's only temporary.
She's still planning
to find a place of her own.
l'm just hoping that once she's
ensconced, she'll decide to stay.
l see, so you want us
to take our time looking...
...but still help Tina look,
but not really look too hard.
Exactly.
-Fuck, Mark, not again.
-Guys, just hear me out.
l got something to say l think
you're gonna like.
Well, l think that's wildly
presumptuous of you, Mark.
Hey, Shane.
Hello. Mark here,
asking the girls if they're in.
l'm about to show them that this
is about me...
...that l would never ask them
to expose themselves if l wasn't...
...willing to expose myself,
like, way more.
For example, l may tell about the time
my boy Gomey...
...used to hide in the closet...
...when l brought girls
back to our dorm room.
That isn't exactly
a self-revelation, Mark.
Oh, l'll dig. l can go way deeper.
-What does this have to do with us?
-Right, okay, so....
Starting a new project.
-That's great.
-Yes, it is great.
lt's gonna be kind of this journal
of my life with the two of you guys.
Basically, it's gonna be interviews
every so often.
You're not gonna know the cameras
are around. This is going to be...
...the best thing l've ever done.
And if l can just get some footage,
which, obviously, l think l can...
...then l know l can
get this thing financed...
...and we can all get paid,
which l know you need.
Mark, l think
that there's a lot of '' l''s...
...contradicting the ''we''s
in your run-on sentence.
That is because l am going
to handle all of the details...
...while you two just sit back
and be your gorgeous...
...sexy selves and get paid for that.
Plus, l mean, honestly, think about
how educational this is gonna be...
...for people who don't know anything
about people like you.
What do you think he means,
'' people like us''?
-Oh, my.
-What do you think he means?
Oh, l think he's referring
to bean-fiddlers.
-Oh, the bobbing-for-apple girls.
-'' Bean-fiddlers''?
-Yes. Sassiness. Oh, yes.
-Yes, the gay women.
But, honestly, guys, just think
about how much you're gonna be...
...helping out some
poor, little, lonely lez...
...stuck out in the Midwest
without a role model in sight.
-Very important.
-That could be you two.
Okay, to show you how very certain
l am that l will get this funded...
...l will give you both 20 bucks apiece,
per interview, of my own money.
ls this gonna be, like--
What's the thing called?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Right, right.
-Lesbians Gone Wild.
-Lesbians Gone Wild, sure.
Or is this gonna be, like, you know--
Or the Maysles brothers?
Meets D.A. Pennebaker...
...with a little bit of Nick Broomfield
thrown in there.
-What do you think? Well?
-Okay.
-Yes? Okay?
-No.
No. We'll think about it.
Okay.
How cute would these
be in the bachelorette gift bags?
Oh, my God.
Guys, guys? Yeah.
l could take care of this whole
gift-bag shopping thing myself.
No, no. Are you kidding?
This is the best part.
Oh, my God.
Ladies, how about a little of this?
Tonya, Tonya! Tonya, stop it!
-But it's nice.
-Stop it.
She's not a fan.
l guess this is a little more
up your alley, Alice.
Actually, Tonya, this might
be a little more up my alley.
-More than this?
-Maybe a little.
-Oh, really?
-Okay, stop it, both of you.
Which would you rather put
in your mouth, Al?
l don't understand you bisexuals.
l mean, really, make up
your minds already. Right, honey?
Make up your minds already.
Hey, l got a question for you.
What is the primary lesbian sex act?
The primary lesbian sex act?
Well, for straight people,
it's fucking, right?
And everything we do, the kissing,
the fondling, the foreplay...
...all of it, it leads up to that one,
ultimate, foregone conclusion.
And what makes you think
that lesbians don't fuck?
lt's not possible.
Unless we're talking dildos,
which is cool, but it's not--
Are you fucking kidding?
lt's completely possible.
l'm just-- l'm asking
because l wanna know.
l'm trying to gain
some understanding here, please.
Where do you live, Mark?
lt's entirely possible.
-l'm sorry.
-ls this a joke?
Mark, l mean, do you want us
to demonstrate?
Because this is obvious what this
whole thing is leading up to, right?
Hey, no, look.
lf you were writing a novel
and you had some questions for me...
...l would totally be there for you.
l'm trying to gain some insight here.
Just simply trying to gain
an insight.
Some unique perspective
for us guys who don't understand...
...something we haven't heard
from anywhere else before. God.
Don't be so aggressive
because it's embarrassing.
And there you have it.
A sex tip for all us horndogs
out there...
...from the lesbian
sexual conquistador herself.
All right, boilerplate release form
l need you to sign.
Where'd the other one go?
l need Shane to-- Shane?
What, still too aggressive?
This is NPR, National Public Radio.
The number of Americans living
in poverty rose by 1. 7 million.
Global shrinking
and the economy's still shaky.
Those numbers were anticipated,
but they do expect to tak e....
-Hey.
-l made too much.
-Do you want me to fix you a plate?
-No, stay. l'll go get it.
You look really great.
You're kind of...
...glowing.
Thanks.
-l wanna tell you--
-God.
l had the worst fucking day today.
Thanks to Peabody's
cunt daughter...
...our grant is now in jeopardy,
and Franklin's completely flipping out.
You can't imagine how fucked
l'm gonna be if they pull it.
-l spent the day raising money too.
-lt's incredible, isn't it?
lmagine if the future
of the museum...
...that you dedicated the last four years
of your life to were depending on it.
Actually, the future of a lot
of children's educations...
...depends on whether l raise
this money.
l wasn't suggesting
that it's any less important.
lt breaks my heart. lt does...
...but do you want those kids
to grow up in a world without art?
No.
Of course not.
You had something you wanted
to talk to me about this morning?
lt was nothing.
l just wanted to say good night.
Good night.
l'm sorry about dinner.
lt's a habit. l'm trying to break it.
lt's not all your fault.
l hope you'll feel like
talking to me tomorrow.
l think maybe l will.
Oh, my God, this is great.
Alice, we're not back together.
-Well, l'm just saying hi.
-Hi.
So, what are you guys
doing here together?
l'm staying at the house
until l get a place of my own.
Nice! Nice!
This is good, this is good,
this is good, this is good.
l'm just gonna go see Kit.
Yeah, she's in the back with some
hunka-hunka burnin' love.
Benjamin Bradshaw.
-Oh, who is he?
-He's this business guru.
She took one seminar with him.
She's getting a private consultation.
Okay.
Okay. What's happening?
l mean, are you guys not together?
Because you look like you are.
Well, let's just say
l'm not ruling it out.
Okay, so she was cool with the...?
She didn't freak? What--?
-l haven't told her yet.
-What?
But she's gotta know.
She must know.
l mean, she's gotta know.
ls she fucking blind?
Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself.
She doesn't see what's in front of her.
lt's a problem. lt's always been
one of our problems.
Yeah, Tina, this isn't really just
a Bette problem. You have to tell her.
Come in.
Hey, baby sis.
Benjamin Bradshaw,
this is my little sister, Bette Porter.
-Nice to meet you.
-Kit's told me so much about you.
l understand you've been
through some difficulty.
lf you feel you need someone
to talk to....
Benjamin, she's not ready
for that right now.
Benjamin and l have been going over
last month's statements...
...and you would be amazed
at the results of my work in TOE.
-TOE?
-T-O-E, Theory of Everything.
lt's a physics principle
uniting our understanding...
...of the fundamental forces
of nature...
...into a single equation
that's applicable to every question...
...about life on Earth.
lt's the basis of my system
of personal transformation.
Bette, since my work in TOE...
...the Planet has gone
from being in the red to black.
-And?
-And l've prepaid the mortgage...
-...through September.
-And...?
And Benjamin is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Well, that's not what l was after,
but thank you.
l was going to say,
''And you're welcome to join Kit...
...when she attends
the advanced seminar next month.''
l'll waive the introductory course
for you because Kit tells me...
...you're accomplished
in your own right.
Thank you. l guess.
Well....
Just, you know, let me know
when the next seminar is...
...and l will give it some thought.
You know what, l really don't know,
is Jenny always so weird?
She's not weird. She's great.
Well, maybe she's one of those people
that's constantly in her head.
Carmen, she's a writer.
She's supposed to be like that.
Will you take a listen to this, please,
and let me know if you think...
...they'll be down for it.
l don't have much of a sense...
...of Dana and Tonya,
so that would help.
You-- You kissed her.
-What?
-You kissed Jenny.
-Oh, okay. Right, yeah.
-Right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, l did, but....
lt was just the circumstances. l mean,
l didn't think that you would mind.
-Then, no, and l-- Hey, and l don't.
-Okay.
Good. Thank God.
You should....
You should give her a chance.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-You know what?
-What? What is it?
Don't try to hook me up.
-Bye.
-Bye.
lf she wants her story done right, she's
gonna do a deal with Veronica Bloom.
-Veronica, you called me--
-Maybe.
l need somebody to prime her
before l go in and do my thing.
-l'm right beside you.
-Yeah.
And so is your Fred Segal haircut
and your Prada suit.
Look, l need somebody
who looks relatively human...
...or at least is a credible simulation,
and that's where Hair Girl comes in.
-Fuck you.
-Hey, hey. Please.
lt won't happen again,
just get in the car.
Shane. Shane.
Shane, get in the car.
Shane. Shane. Come on, Shane.
Come on, come on.
l got a present for you, baby.
After we clinch the deal,
we can go get a mani-pedi!
Come on! Come on, Shane! Come on.
l talked to Tina. We're gonna look
at apartments next week.
The fucking Peabody Foundation
hasn't awarded us a single penny.
-They've pulled our funding.
-Oh, there's gotta be another page.
Here.
Shit.
Wait a minute. Tina got a Peabody.
Oh, my God, you guys,
they are awarding us $1 00, 000!
You did it!
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
l think that's it, Tina. l don't think
they're giving us another one.
Oscar is gonna flip!
Can you guys excuse me
for a minute?
Hello.
-Bette?
-l'm here.
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
l saw the Peabody posting.
Congratulations.
l'm sorry, Bette.
Is there anything I can do?
Well, you could support me.
l'll take time off...
-...and start looking into a new career.
-That's not fair, Bette.
Why did you go after the Peabody,
some kind of vendetta against me?
-You're being ridiculous.
-Oh, I agree. It's ridiculous to think...
...because l shared my life
and supported you...
...you would have any compunction
about fucking with my livelihood.
-You could have at least warned me.
-lt's not easy to tell you things, Bette.
Not everything is easy, Tina.
-But--
-You know what? I'm getting upset...
...so l'm gonna hang up the phone.
Fuck!
Fuck!
We just got a phone call. Helena
Peabody is on her way over here.
-Right now?
-Yes.
We got the biggest grant they gave.
Nobody else got as much money.
She's coming with a camera crew.
lt was your proposal, Tina.
Okay, let's get this place
looking sharp, but not too sharp.
We don't want her to think
that we don't need the money.
The woman we're about to meet
was a prostitute.
She was run by the Russian Mob
until they tried to take her daughter.
She goes against them,
which nobody does, and gets out alive.
They already fucked up her face.
We wanna make a movie of her story.
What we're after here
is her life rights.
Priscilla Nabochenko is gonna
sell us the rights to her life.
The woman sure knows
how to create a media event.
Holy shit.
Where's Tina Kennard?
You wrote this proposal?
Yes.
lt brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you. l'm flattered.
Why don't you give me
the grand tour...
...of the Headquarters
for Social Justice?
Sure. Right this way.
Oh, my God, it's gonna be such
a great bachelorette party.
l know. So, what were you saying
about me?
l thought you had great tits.
You noticed my tits?
Right away.
Oh, come on. They were like,
'' Hello there.''
They were talking to you?
-A whole conversation.
-Okay.
So how about you with me?
l thought you were a hottie.
-Get out.
-l did.
Did you really?
Yeah.
Really.
Dana?
Yeah?
You have a really nice ass.
God. Oh, God. Take me.
Just take me to bed now.
Okay.
Okay, here. Help me.
l just-- l just wanna fuck you so bad.
Just kiss me.
Take my clothes off. Take my pants off.
Okay. Okay.
They're tight. Yeah, okay.
Okay, pull.
Oh, God, l just
wanna fuck you so bad.
Pull.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-You okay? Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
-You okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
-lt's too tight.
-Don't rip it.
-Are you okay?
-l want more of you.
No, no. Fingers.
Fingers. More fingers.
You are making the biggest mistake
if you sign with the Bruckheimers.
-Do you know who Veronica Bloom is?
-Aaron, that's enough.
Why don't we let Priscilla
have a minute to breathe.
-What?
-You stay here.
You want some fruit juice
or something?
Oh, no. No, no, no, l'm okay,
thank you.
So, what do you do for the movies?
Are you a producer or something?
Fuck, no. l'm a hairstylist.
And l guess
l'm Veronica's assistant too.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Hairstylist?
-Yep.
That's something l always
wanted to do.
You could do it.
You know, l....
l used to do what you do, kind of.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Yeah, l used to trick around
Santa Monica Boulevard.
And there was this guy.
He was-- You know, he was weird,
but he was okay.
He sent me to hairdressing school.
ls she okay?
Well, l guess l called it,
didn't l, Shane?
You're the closer.
Yes, l know.
V, that is awesome. Congratulations.
l had to add a caveat in writing
to her deal memo.
Priscilla now has it in her deal
that she gets to work with you.
-Oh, Veronica, that's not cool.
-lt's totally cool, Shane.
We did it. We did it.
We fucking did it!
This is gonna be
a phenomenal project!
Total Academy Awards time.
l am thinking Angelina Jolie.
Maybe Julia Roberts.
Maggie Gyllenhaal, if we wanna do
something really quirky.
You know, this is great.
And you should all be really proud
of yourselves.
Excuse me. l'm just gonna--
Cut. l'm just gonna-- l'll be back.
l'll come back and talk to you, okay?
When's your baby due?
-l'm at 1 4 weeks.
-Are you having twins?
Hey, you're beautiful.
l didn't want to
make you uncomfortable.
That's okay.
l'm just starting to get used
to showing.
l find it quite sexy, actually.
My kids are still in New York.
Can't tell you how much l miss them.
You have children?
One adopted,
one my partner gave birth to.
We're separated.
Just to get that out of the way.
My partner and l are too.
l'm doing this on my own.
You know, l have a feeling
you and l are gonna find out...
...we have quite a lot in common.
Have dinner with me tonight.
My friend is having
this bachelorette party...
-...and l have to--
-Tina?
Excuse me. Bette's here.
She's got flowers.
That's my ex.
l've been there.
Go ahead.
l'll be right back. Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
l'm really sorry that we fought.
l just-- l wanna try to make it up.
Well, maybe, but not right now.
Right now l'm doing something.
You said some hurtful things too. l'm
here to say let's leave it behind us...
...and, you know, we were doing well.
Yeah, and l'm saying you can't throw
flowers at it and expect it to go away.
Not everything can be
on your time, Bette.
Hello, Bette.
l'll be just a minute, Helena.
ls everything all right?
What is going on?
What are you doing?
l'm here to publicize
our grant announcements.
The foundation wants to send
a message about our agenda.
That's not what l meant.
What are you doing
with my girlfriend?
-Bette--
-lt's really none of my business...
...but Tina doesn't seem to think
she is your girlfriend.
That would be right,
it is none of your business.
Stop it.
Tina, l'm sorry.
You shouldn't be dealing
with this kind of nonsense...
...especially not in your condition.
What condition is that?
-Tonya, honey.
-Oh, crap.
-You don't want her to see it.
-Good call, Mom.
lt's no sweat, princess.
l'll stow it in the car.
Oh, you cutie.
How are the bachelorette
gift bags coming?
Look at these two, so hard-working
when we were out having fun.
Pookie, oh, you have to-- Mom?
Now, this is Alice.
This is Dana's best friend.
-Oh, that one.
-This is my mom, Dotty.
Hi!
Hi. Hello.
We have to show you what we bought.
Oh, you will just die. Come on.
l have a present for you.
Come on. Come. Come see!
Monstrosity.
Hi.
Can I help you, please?
What have I told you?
Okay.
Stop staring.
What have I told you?
She's flesh and blood, just lik e we are.
No.
She can't help it.
Monstrosity.
-Hello?
-Hello!
-Who is that?
-lt's Bette.
-Hi.
-l'm sorry to bust in on you. l just--
-ls Shane here?
-No, not right now.
Did you know that Tina
was pregnant?
Yeah.
Bette, you didn't know?
Oh, my God, how did you not know?
Because l'm just the biggest asshole
in the universe, l guess that's how!
Because l'm just some kind of huge
cosmological joke, is what l am.
No, you're not.
Okay?
Tina obviously must have
gone out of her way...
...to keep this a secret from you.
She must hate me.
She must actually fucking hate me.
No.
She doesn't hate you.
Come here.
Come here.
l think that this is so much more
complicated than that.
And you can't give up, okay?
You cut your hair.
It looks great.
-You look great.
-Okay, l take your point, man.
Yeah. Hidden cameras,
it's the way to do this.
Oh, fuck.
All right, we will do a few more...
...but strategically
and respectfully placed.
Fuck respectfully.
Dude.
Aren't you girls brave
to get way up there!
Don't you like them?
lsn't it great, Sharon?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, look who's gonna get it.
Oh, there you go.
Now, look, you have to do this.
Sharon, watch this.
There you go.
l've been to Vegas,
and l think you'd be good there.
-Sharon, it's time to make your toast.
-Oh, is it time?
Okay.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Carmen.
Thank you. Excuse me, everyone.
Everyone?
Hi. l'm Sharon Fairbanks.
l'm Dana's mother.
When my daughter...
...the bride...
...first came out to me, l....
l didn't take it very well.
Actually, l took it pretty badly.
Very badly.
But since l've come to know Tonya...
...l think it's absolutely the right thing
for my daughter.
Dana, l can see
that you've found love...
...and it doesn't matter
what form it takes.
All that matters is that you're happy.
l love you, Dana.
And l want the world to know...
...that l give Tonya and you...
...my blessing.
-That was so nice.
-Thank you so much.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going?
Nowhere. l was-- l was--
l forgot a gift.
l was gonna get a gift.
You did it, didn't you?
You and Dana.
What? No. No, no, no.
Yeah.
All right. Hand me those pliers.
Are you sure that you're
gonna be okay?
Yeah. l'm just gonna go find Kit.
-Okay.
-But thanks for coming with me.
Good luck.
-How are you?
-l'm good. l'm glad you showed.
Well, l got some writing done,
and l had a burst of confidence.
-So there.
-Good.
-You should talk to her.
-l can't, Shane.
She thinks l'm so weird. She does.
Yeah, she probably does.
But if she's as cool
as l know she is...
...it won't put her off.
Okay. What should l do?
lt's always a good idea
to bring the DJ a drink.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
Okay.
May l have a beer, please?
Thank you.
Oh, fuck.
-How do you like the party?
-Hi, it's great. Have you seen Alice?
lt's time for your bachelorette
lap dance.
-No, not in front of my mother.
-What are you, silly? Look.
l think she's having a good time.
Check it out.
There's nine altogether.
Oh, fucking awesome.
-What about the rest?
-What rest?
-Bedrooms, bathrooms--
-Dude, have a little fucking respect.
They're my roommates.
Jesus.
Look, l didn't do bathrooms, man.
That crosses a personal line for me...
-...but we're in.
-Fucking sweet, man.
How long have you all known?
Not long. l mean, she was hiding it
from everybody.
She probably didn't know
what to say, Bette.
Don't kill yourself over it.
l was actually pleased to see
she had put on weight...
...because l thought, one,
if she's eating to cover her pain...
...that means she's still in love
with me.
And two, if she's overweight, she might
have trouble finding someone else.
So l thought that maybe, eventually,
if she could learn--
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, who's that?
Make me another.
Make it a double, please.
Hey, baby sis, what's up?
-Who that?
-That's Helena Peabody.
l can't believe she brought her here.
You want me to ask her to leave?
-Congratulations.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Good, good.
-Hi.
-Hi. Helena Peabody.
Hi. Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Dana, Tonya, this is Helena Peabody.
l hope you don't mind
my crashing your party.
At least l didn't come empty-handed.
From me and Tina.
-Presents!
-Just a few things we scrounged up.
-Here we go.
-The Philips Senseo coffeepot!
Oh, and a kettle.
Wow, that's very, very generous.
-Oh, hello.
-Hello.
l'm afraid l may have
overcompensated.
You know how it is
when you're the uninvited guest.
Actually, l've never been
the uninvited guest.
l prefer not to go
where l'm not wanted.
What makes you think
Helena's not wanted?
lnitial observations and theories:
These girls talk about everything.
Now, l don't know if that's, like,
strictly a lesbian thing or what...
...but, man, these girls are all up
in one another's business.
Now, don't get me wrong,
l think talk's great. l'm loving the talk.
l gotta admit, l'm hoping soon we're
gonna get to partake in a little action.
Alice, l thought you were ignoring us.
No, l-- You know....
Everybody?
Hi!
Everybody, this is
Dana's best friend...
...and she wants to give a toast.
Congratulations, you two.
Sorry, l'm a little--
l've known Dana a long time...
...and l guess, like most things
that are right in front of your eyes...
...you don't see just how wonderful
they are until they're gone.
Tonya...
...you are the luckiest woman
on Earth.
To my friend....
What can l say?
Congratulations.
l love you, so....
Okay.
What do you say we leave,
quit torturing ourselves?
Just something l have to do.
Dana, Tonya.
l lift my glass...
...to caring and kindness and trust...
...and longevity and respect...
...to all the things that you'll need
to keep your love alive.
l wish you...
...happiness.
And l hope that you forever
spare each other pain.
And if you find that isn't possible...
...then l wish you forgiveness.