The L Word (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Lawfully - full transcript

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU READY?

I'LL BET YOU ARE.

YOU JUST GOING TO STAND THERE,

OR ARE YOU GOING TO
DO SOMETHING WITH THIS?

GO ON, TAKE THAT MEAT.

[MOANING]

[ORDER BELL RINGS]

24!

NUMBER 24?

GOD...



STEPHEN GREEN,
YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOT,

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND
WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU.

[♪♪♪]

[GIGGLING]

[CHINA CRASHING]

FUCK. MOM!

SHIT.

WASN'T MY FAULT.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

THAT MACHINE IS JUST...

CHRIST.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT THE F...



OH, GOD, MOM!

FUCK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

THAT ESPRESSO MAKER COST, MOM?

WH... WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MY NAME.

OKAY, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING

YOU JUST GO AND
WRITE YOUR NAME ON

LIKE YOU'RE GIVING SOME
SORT OF AUTOGRAPH.

I KNOW THAT, ALICE,
I AM NOT STUPID.

I UNDERSTAND THE
PURPOSE OF YOUR CHART.

THAT'S WHY I WROTE MY NAME.

RIGHT THERE, OFF OF SHANE.

SHANE?

MM-HMM.

REMEMBER THE OTHER
NIGHT AT THE PARTY,

WHEN WE WERE TALKING?

YEAH, WE WERE ALL TALKING.

YOU CAN'T BE ON THE CHART

FOR TALKING.

I KNOW.

WOULD YOU LISTEN TO MY STORY?

WE WERE TALKING,

AND AT THE END OF THE EVENING

WHEN WE WERE SAYING
OUR GOOD-BYES...

WE HAD A MOMENT.

A MOMENT?

A ROMANTIC MOMENT...

AND I HAVE TO SAY, I'M NOT SURE

THAT I HAVEN'T
BEEN LIMITING MYSELF

IN BEING EXCLUSIVELY WITH MEN.

UM...

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME
EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

WE KISSED.

AT FIRST, IT WAS CASUAL,
BUT THEN IT BECAME... INTIMATE.

FRENCH.

BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?

[RETCHING]

HELLO?

DADDY, YOU'RE HERE!

[LOUD RETCHING]

NO, EVERYTHING'S JUST GREAT.

WHAT?

I WONDER WHAT HE'S GOING TO SAY

WHEN WE TELL HIM?

HE IS GOING TO BE SO EXCITED.

WHAT SHOULD WE TELL HIM

WHEN HE ASKS
ABOUT THE LAST NAME?

WHY DO WE HAVE TO BRING IT UP?

WELL, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT WE SHOULD,

JUST, YOU KNOW, IF HE DOES.

IT JUST MIGHT BE EASIER

TO USE KENNARD-PORTER.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
TELL HIM ANYTHING

THAT MIGHT NOT BE TRUE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER IS.

HOW IS HE?

I THINK WE SHOULD DO

SOME SORT OF COMBO THING,

YOU KNOW?

INSTEAD OF THE WHOLE
HYPHENATED THING.

WHAT, LIKE PORTARD?

BETTE...

"HEY, POOR TARD,
HOW'S YOUR TWO MOMS,

YOU BIG GAYMO,"

OR WHATEVER IT'S
GOING TO BE IN 2015.

OKAY, FINE, WHAT
ABOUT KENTER, THEN?

THAT HAS A NICE SOUND TO IT,

DOESN'T IT?

YOU'RE RIGHT, WE SHOULD JUST TRY

NOT TO TALK ABOUT IT TONIGHT.

NICE, DANA. MUCH BETTER.

THANK YOU.

I'M GOING TO HAVE
ANDREW COME BY THIS WEEK

AND TEST THE SPEED
OF THAT SERVE,

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD.

THANK YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT, OKAY?

GOOD STUFF.

HI.

HEY...

HOW ARE YOU?

MM...

SO MY SERVE IS FASTER.

COOL.

YEAH.

SO WHO'S THE
SEXIEST TENNIS PLAYER

IN THE WORLD?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA?

HEY!

HEY.

SO GUESS WHO'S
HAVING AN EVENT TONIGHT

AND WANTS YOU TO COME?

SUBARU?

WHO ARE YOU, HER PSYCHIC?

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, SO SUBARU'S
HOSTING A DINNER.

IT'S SOME KIND OF CHARITY EVENT

TO SUPPORT THE ARTS
IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS,

AND IT'S GOING TO BE TEEMING

WITH THE WHO'S WHO.

HOW HOT IS THAT?

THAT'S VERY HOT.

SEE HOW YOU'RE A STAR?

SO WHERE IS IT?

MORTON'S, 8:00.

I'M SO EXCITED.

IT'S GOING TO BE SO GREAT.

YOU ARE SO FUCKING HOT.

I JUST WANT TO HAVE
SEX WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. STILL HERE, LADIES.

SORRY.

YEAH.

NO, DON'T APOLOGIZE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU EVER WANT TO
MIX IT UP, LET ME KNOW.

I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING. I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M GOING TO GET BACK TO WORK.

I WILL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

I THINK.

IT WAS A JOKE, JUST A JOKE.

SHE'S CUTE.

REALLY CUTE.

SO ABOUT TONIGHT,

I THINK YOU SHOULD
BRING HARRISON.

HE'S YOUR DOUBLES PARTNER.
IT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

DANA...

DANA...

YOU WANT TO CALL
HIM, OR SHOULD I?

I MEAN, I'D REALLY LOVE TO
SAY THAT IT'S NOT TRUE, BUT...

OH, MY GOD.

AW, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, MAN,

YOUR MOM...

ALL I KNOW IS I WAS
SAYING GOODBYE,

AND THE NEXT THING
I KNOW, SHE JUST...

FUCK.

I DON'T KNOW, AL,

I THINK MAYBE THOSE
DRINKS WERE A LITTLE STRONG.

OH...

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

THIS MEANS I CAN
NEVER BE GAY AGAIN.

NEVER.

I CANNOT BE GAY.

AL, COME ON, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU MOM IS REALLY SEXY
FOR AN OLDER WOMAN.

OH.

SHE IS...

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S GOT REALLY...

SHE'S REALLY...

♪ MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME ♪

♪ IT'S O-S-C-A-R MY BALONEY
HAS A SECOND NAME... ♪

AL, SHUT UP, OKAY?

I SHOULD BE SINGING.

YOUR MOM GOT FUNKY
WITH ME, ALL RIGHT?

SHE CAME ON TO YOU?

SHIT, SHE'S WILD, AL.

OH, OKAY, PLEASE
WITH THE DETAILS!

GOD, WHY IS MY MOM
SUCH A SLUTTY, SLUTTY,

CHICKEN-CHASING PERVERT?

I MEAN, GOD, YOU KNOW,

NOT TO MENTION A LIAR,

BECAUSE SHE SAID
YOU CAME ON TO HER,

AND SHE WAS JUST BEING POLITE.

SHE'S WILD.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
SAY YOUR GOOD-BYES,

BECAUSE SHE IS GOING
BACK TO NELSON'S.

I AM NOT DRIVING
HER TO PALM SPRINGS.

THEY CAN DO THAT.

SHE PUT HER NAME ON THE CHART.

DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I MEAN, WHAT IS THAT?

I MEAN, WHO... WHERE'D
SHE COME FROM?

OKAY, THERE'S TWO
GUYS STARING AT YOU,

AND I THINK ONE OF
THEM IS HARRY SAMCHUCK.

FUCK.

HE THINKS I'M A GUY.

ALL THOSE FUCKING GAY
HOLLYWOOD MAFIA FAGS

THINK I'M SOME TWINK
THEY CAN PICK UP ON.

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

HEY, HEY...

I'M REALLY SORRY
YOU GOT LENORE'D.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY.

IT HAPPENS.

I'LL SEE YOU, HONEY.

CAN I SEE THE ONE JUST...

NO, THE THIRD ONE IN.

NO, NEXT TO THAT ONE.

NO.

JESUS CHRIST.

JUST GIVE HIM
WHICHEVER ONE'S ON TOP.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

SAN DIEGO.

YEAH? WITH YOUR MOM?

YEAH, I NEEDED A BREAK.

L.A. WAS GETTING
ALL BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WHAT, THAT'S YOUR FRIEND NOW?

YEAH, I MET HIM. YOU KNOW.

YOU ARE A FUCKING
ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE A DICK.

CALL ME. TAKE CARE.

SHANE...

WHAT?

I NEED A FAVOR.

AW, FUCK. GOD.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T HAVE THE ROOM THIS TIME.

PLEASE? IT'S JUST
FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

JESUS, MAN, I GOT ROOMMATES,

AND THEY'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT.

THERE'S FOUR OF US
LIVING IN ONE BEDROOM.

I MEAN, WHAT,

YOU CAN'T STAY
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

NO, I'VE MADE SOME CALLS,

BUT, YOU KNOW, NO
ONE'S CALLED ME BACK.

DAMMIT, I CA...

I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T DO IT THIS TIME.

IT'S COOL.

YEAH?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

GREAT. WILL YOU CALL ME, THOUGH?

YEAH. OF COURSE.

PLEASE?

IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU. BYE, DARLING.

MR. SAMCHUCK...

CLIVE, HAVE YOU MET MARK?

TRISH PEVERELL?

I CAN'T SEEM TO...

GET ON THE BUS.

YOU ARE SO FUCKING NERVOUS, MAN.

I KNOW.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BOTHER

LOOKING AT YOU.

I KNOW, MAN. I'VE GOT
TO TRY TO CALM DOWN.

I MEAN, WE'RE IN A
GOOD POSITION, RIGHT?

LOOK, MAN, I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID

TO GET TRISH IN
THIS, BUT I THANK YOU.

NO PROBLEM. SERIOUSLY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S WIN IT. ALL RIGHT.

FUCK...

RANDY...

FUCK.

RANDY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I FORGOT MY STOPWATCH.

HEY, MAN, THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE LEAVING NOW, MAN.

OH, I'VE GOT TO.

WE'RE NOT GOING
TO WIN WITHOUT IT,

AND DON'T CALL ME
SUPERSTITIOUS EITHER,

BECAUSE I KNOW

YOU HAVE YOUR
GARFIELD BOXERS ON.

ABSOLUTELY.

OKAY, LOOK, DON'T BE LATE, MAN.

SHIT. I'LL PROBABLY
BE THERE BEFORE YOU.

WHAT'S UP?

I THINK IT HAS
AMAZING POTENTIAL.

POTENTIAL?

WELL, IT'S A DRAFT, RIGHT?

YES.

WELL, YOU CAN'T EXPECT
EVERY STORY YOU WRITE

TO FALL OUT OF YOU AND BE GOLD.

WRITING IS REWRITING.

UH-HUH.

IT DOESN'T MAKE
YOU LESS TALENTED.

RIGHT.

YOUR STRENGTH IS
YOU WRITE FROM HERE.

THE DEMONS THAT TEMPT YOU,

THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH...

AM I THAT DEMON?

UGH.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[GASPS]

OH, GIRL, YOU SCARED ME.

GUESS WHAT I GOT FOR YOU, MOMMY.

CHECK IT OUT.

VITAMINS FOR WOMEN.

EVERYTHING THAT YOU DON'T GET

EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD DIET.

IT'S GOING TO BE SO GOOD
FOR YOU AND THE BABY.

YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME.

I... I... I WANTED TO
BRING YOU SOMETHING.

HEY, THAT'S A CUTE DRESS.

YOU THINK?

I THINK IT MAKES ME LOOK FAT,

AND I BET IT'LL TAKE MELVIN
FIVE MINUTES TO SAY IT.

UM, MELVIN?

MY FATHER?

HE'S HERE IN LOS ANGELES?

YEAH, HE'S...

HE'S JUST SORT OF IN AND OUT,

SOME SORT OF BUSINESS THING.

BETTE MADE HIM SQUEEZE US IN.

SHE REALLY WANTS TO TELL
HIM ABOUT THE BABY IN PERSON.

SOUNDS LIKE IT'LL WORK
OUT REALLY NICE FOR YOU.

YEAH, IT SAVES US THE TRIP.

HELLO!

JEN, YOU HOME?

JENNY?

OH, FUCK.

OH!

OH, YEAH.

WAIT. RIGHT THERE. YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

[MOANING]

FUCK.

[MOANING]

TINA...

TINA, WAKE UP.

OH, HEY, BABY.

WE HAVE TO PICK UP MY DAD

IN HALF AN HOUR.

OKAY.

ALL I HAVE TO DO

IS PUT ON MY MAKEUP.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YOU... YOU'RE NOT
WEARING THAT DRESS.

YOU KNOW, I'LL JUST
PICK SOMETHING ELSE OUT.

CAN YOU AT LEAST JUST TAKE
THE TAGS OFF THE PRESENT?

WHY DID YOU CALL ME EARLIER?

I DIDN'T.

WELL, MY CELL SHOWED
OUR HOME NUMBER.

OH...

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN KIT.

SHE DROPPED BY EARLIER.

SHE BROUGHT US VITAMINS.

YOU DIDN'T TELL HER DADDY
WAS IN TOWN, DID YOU?

TINA, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I MEAN, FIRST DAVID WRITES
HER A NOTE ON A POST-IT,

AND THEN OUR DAD'S IN TOWN,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN
BOTHER TO CALL HER.

THESE ARE JUST
THE KINDS OF THINGS

THAT MAKE IT HARD
FOR HER TO STAY SOBER.

WELL, I'M SORRY,

BUT YOU DIDN'T BRIEF ME ON
WHAT WAS ALL RIGHT TO SAY

AND WHAT WASN'T.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

DO YOU SEE ME?

DADDY, IT'S THE BLUE SAAB.

LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD.

DO YOU SEE ME?

I CAN SEE YOU.

TINA'S IN THE PASSENGER
SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

SHE'LL GET OUT RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, SHE'LL WAVE.

WAVE. WAVE WHEN YOU GET OUT.

YOU SEE HER?

SEE?

GO AHEAD. WAVE.

YEAH, THAT'S HER.

[LAUGHS]

HI!

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HELLO.

HI.

UH-HUH.

THIS IS FROM BETTE.

FROM BETTE?

AH, NOW.

WHAT CAN THIS BE?

OH, NO, DON'T TELL ME.

IT IS A TIE.

I THOUGHT THE COLOR
WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOU.

'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT THE EYE.

LOOK AT THAT.

BEAUTIFUL.

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

CAN YOU JUST MOVE OVER?

I CAN'T SEE. THANKS, TINA.

OH, I AM.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE IN MIND.

HEY, DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.

WE ONLY LOST BY
A 10-POINT MARGIN.

YOU DID A GREAT
JOB TODAY. THANKS.

TIM!

TIM, I'M SORRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M SORRY. PLEASE.
PLEASE, DON'T SHUT ME OUT.

PLEASE, WHAT, JENNY, HUH?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH PLEASE?

JUST GIVE ME MY RING.

NO, I'M NOT GIVING
YOU YOUR RING.

GIVE ME MY RING.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU YOUR RING.

IF YOU WANT THE
RING, TAKE IT OFF OF ME.

I FUCKING SWEAR TO
GOD, GIVE ME MY RING!

NO, NO, NO! NO!

COME ON, HEY, HEY!

COME ON.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

RANDY, JUST LEAVE
US ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

LISTEN, YOU WANT TO START
BEATING ON YOUR WOMAN

IN FRONT OF ME AND
THE WHOLE TEAM,

THAT IS MY BUSINESS.

I WAS NOT BEATING ON HER.

LEAVE US ALONE,

THAT'S ALL I NEED FROM YOU.

I'M FINE.

[SIGHS]

LISTEN, DON'T DISAPPOINT
ME, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

I WON'T, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS JUST BETWEEN US.

[BUS ENGINE STARTS]

TIM, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THAT THIS WAS A BIG MISTAKE.

IT WAS LIKE WATCHING YOURSELF

AND SEEING YOURSELF
DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE

AND NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP IT.

WHY?

WHY COULDN'T YOU STOP IT?

WHY WAS IT SO FUCKING HARD?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN DID IT START?

THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME,

THE ONLY TIME, AND
WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK.

SO YOU WENT FROM NOT TALKING
TO LETTING HER EAT YOU OUT,

IS THAT IT?

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.

I THOUGHT I WOULD SPEND

THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.

BECAUSE YOU FUCKED
IT ALL UP, JENNY.

I KNOW, BUT I'M BEGGING
YOU TO FORGIVE ME.

GOD...

I MEAN...

YOU TWO MUST HAVE JUST BEEN
LAUGHING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME.

NO, NO, NO.

NOBODY WAS LAUGHING AT YOU.

I WAS JUST THIS
THING THAT HAPPENED,

AND IT WASN'T PLANNED.

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME?

I WAS STANDING THERE
WATCHING YOU TWO...

TIM...

TIM, PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, TIM.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...

PLEASE, TIM.

PLEASE, THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO...

IF YOU CAN JUST FORGIVE ME, TIM.

PLEASE, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO END.

WE CAN JUST KEEP ON
GOING AS WE PLANNED,

AND NOTHING HAS
TO CHANGE, RIGHT?

TIM, PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T LEAVE ME.

BECAUSE IF YOU LEAVE ME,

I THINK THAT I'LL DIE.

TIM, PLEASE LOOK AT ME.

I LOVE YOU...

AND I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR WIFE.

YOU WANT TO BE MY WIFE?

YES.

MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

GET IN THE CAR.

[EARRING CLINKS]

SO I MADE THESE WITH
VODKA AND WHEY PROTEIN.

THERE WAS SOME KIND
OF CHEMICAL REACTION,

BUT THE SOY PROTEIN
IS REALLY GREAT.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

IT'S OPEN!

[LARA]: IT'S ME.

UH-OH.

GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
YOU WERE WEARING,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO END
UP LOOKING LIKE TWINS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE SAYING,

"WOW, I'M SO CUTE, I
WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME."

OH, HI!

HI.

I'M GOING TO FRESHEN MY DRINK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ASSUMED
I WAS GOING WITH YOU.

I FEEL SO STUPID.

LARA, LARA, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, LOOK.

LOOK, CONRAD WAS THE ONE
WHO CALLED HARRISON, OKAY?

HE JUST THINKS THAT IT'S
BETTER FOR ME NOT TO...

HE JUST...

HE JUST WANTS ME
TO BE CONSISTENT,

AND HARRISON'S WHO
I USUALLY GO WITH,

AND YOU KNOW

THAT I REALLY WANT
TO GO WITH YOU...

I GET IT.

I GET IT, BELIEVE ME.

LARA, I'M SORRY!

LOOK, I KNOW I
SHOULD HAVE CALLED.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

SHE'S GOT TO UNDERSTAND
IT'S NOT PERSONAL,

IT'S BUSINESS.

OUT AND PROUD
DOES NOT SELL CARS.

TIM, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LET'S GO TO MY OFFICE...

NO.

SHE CAN SAY WHAT
SHE NEEDS TO SAY HERE.

TELL HER.

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN
US WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

IT IS NEVER GOING
TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

I WILL NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?

OF COURSE I DID.

TELL ME WHEN IT STARTED.

IT DIDN'T.

YOU SAW ALL THERE WAS TO
SEE, THE BEGINNING AND THE END.

LET'S GO.

JENNY...

YES, I'M COMING.

SO THIS MORNING AFTER YOU LEFT,

HARRY ASKED ME ALL ABOUT YOU,

AND I TOLD HIM YOU
DID PINK'S FAUX HAWK

FOR HER BITTER PILL VIDEO,

AND HE FUCKING CREAMED!

YEAH?

YEAH, HE SAYS HE WANTS
TO RECOMMEND YOU

TO ALL HIS FRIENDS.

[SIGHS]

THAT'S FABULOUS.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE HIM?

WHAT? EW. GOD, NO, NO.

HE JUST WANTS TO
HANG OUT SOMETIME.

CLIVE...

I'M NOT HANGING OUT WITH HIM.

HE THINKS I'M A GUY.

I'M NOT INTO THAT.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE I FOUND A REAL JOB.

HEY, GOOD FOR YOU,
YOU FOUND A PLACE.

YEAH, I'M STAYING WITH HARRY.

FUCK.

FUCK, CLIVE, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE MADE A PROMISE TO EACH OTHER

THAT WE'RE OUT OF THAT.

I'M NOT GOING BACK
ON THE STREET, SHANE.

I'M GOING TO A $30
MILLION MANSION

IN BEL AIR.

YOU ARE GOING TO
BE THE LATEST BOY TOY

TO A BUNCH OF HOLLYWOOD FAGS

WHO ARE GOING TO PASS YOU AROUND

AND SUCK YOU DRY.

THEY'RE VAMPIRES, MAN,

AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

I DON'T EXACTLY
HAVE A CHOICE, DO I?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ONE WEEK.

ONE WEEK, AND THAT'S IT,

AND IF YOU MESS UP,
IF YOU FUCK AROUND,

YOU'RE OUT.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

[CAR HONKING]

MOM?

NELSON'S OUTSIDE.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE
I'M BEING BANISHED?

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT BEING BANISHED.

I JUST NEED MY PLACE BACK.

I WORK HERE.

[HONKING]

YOU SEE HOW YOUR BROTHER IS?

I FEEL LIKE ONE OF
THOSE FAST GIRLS

IN HIGH SCHOOL

WHOSE BOYFRIENDS
CAN'T EVEN BOTHER

TO COME TO THE DOOR.

I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.

IT'S JUST HE'S GOT
THE KIDS IN THE CAR.

AW, ALICE, PLEASE,

PROMISE ME...

I'LL REMIND THEM.

CALL YOU BUNNY, NOT GRANDMA.

MOM...

YOU KNOW HOW I HAD
THAT TALK WITH SHANE

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH?

[SIGHS]

SHE SAID SHE THINKS YOU'RE WILD.

REALLY?

WELL, I HATE TO
HURT HER FEELINGS,

BUT I'M AFRAID IT
CAN'T GO ANY FARTHER.

YOU'LL TALK TO HER FOR
ME, WON'T YOU, ALICE?

YEAH.

I'LL TALK TO HER.

AND THEN, DADDY,
MOCA HAD THE SHOW,

BUT I JUST WOULDN'T GIVE UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I WENT TO GO SEE
PEGGY PEABODY MYSELF.

INCREDIBLE.

[LAUGHS]

WHAT DO I ALWAYS TELL YOU?

YOU ARE MY CHILD.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
YOU SET YOUR MIND TO.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY GIRL?

OH...

I THINK SHE'S AMAZING.

I THINK THE SHOW'S
GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE.

AND HOW IS YOUR CAREER
SHAPING UP, MISS KENNARD?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH OF
ONE AT THE MOMENT.

I LEFT THE STUDIO

ABOUT SEVEN MONTHS AGO.

WELL, THE THING IS, DADDY,

TINA IS DOING
SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL,

SOMETHING FOR THE BOTH OF US.

HI. CAN I START ANYONE OFF

WITH A DRINK THIS EVENING?

BETTE?

OH, I THINK WE'LL HAVE

A LARGE BOTTLE OF PELLEGRINO.

A MANHATTAN, SIR.

I'LL GET THOSE RIGHT AWAY.

I'LL BE BACK TO TAKE YOUR ORDER

IN A FEW MINUTES.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

TINA, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO TELL HIM?

UM, OKAY.

UH, MELVIN, BETTE AND
I ARE HAVING A BABY.

DADDY, WE'RE HAVING A BABY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M PREGNANT.

AND YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?

OF COURSE. DADDY...

I'M SORRY. I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THE PROPER RESPONSE.

WELL, UM...

THIS IS SOMETHING

THAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

WE WANT THIS VERY MUCH.

I WAS UNAWARE OF THAT.

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

I'M NOT SURE.

THIS CHILD...

YOU GOING TO BE...
TAKING CARE OF IT,

AND MISS KENNARD?

DAD, WE'RE A COUPLE.

WE ARE STARTING A FAMILY.

IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY...

WELL, DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
ANOTHER GRANDCHILD.

THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

UNLESS THERE'S BEEN A
MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH

THAT I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT,

THE POSSIBILITY

THAT THIS CHILD WILL
BE MY GRANDCHILD

DOES NOT EXIST,

THEREFORE,

I AM HAPPY IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT

IN YOUR FRIENDSHIP
WITH MISS KENNARD,

BUT I CAN'T
REALISTICALLY BE ASKED

TO PARTICIPATE

IN THIS FICTION
OF YOUR CREATION.

CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT
TONIGHT'S SPECIALS?

WE HAVE CHILEAN SEA
BASS WITH WILTED SPINACH,

A RISOTTO WITH PROSCIUTTO HAM

AND SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS.

COULD YOU JUST GIVE
US JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE?

OF COURSE.

BETTE AND I HAVE
GONE THROUGH SO MUCH

TO GET HERE.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT HOW OUR CHILD
COULD TRULY REFLECT WHO WE ARE,

WHEN WE'RE SO
LIMITED BY BIOLOGY.

THAT IS WHY WE DECIDED TO USE

AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN DONOR.

SO WHEN WE LOOK AT OUR CHILD,
AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR GRANDCHILD,

WE'LL ALL BE LOOKING
INTO A FAMILIAL FACE.

A BLACK MAN IS THE
FATHER OF THIS CHILD?

THE DONOR, DAD.

HE'S AN AFRICAN-
AMERICAN ARTIST.

AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN...

AND BECAUSE OF THAT

I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL
CLOSER TO THIS CHILD?

BECAUSE ALL OF US BLACKS

ARE SOMEHOW CONNECTED?

WE CAN BE TRACED BACK

TO SOME TRIBE IN AFRICA

WHERE WE WERE BEATING DRUMS?

THAT IS ABSURD.

YOU ARE AN
IVY-LEAGUE-EDUCATED WOMAN.

HOW IS THIS LOGICAL...

DAD...

JUST TO TELL YOU THE
REST OF THE SPECIALS...

WE ALSO HAVE A SALT-CRUSTED COD

AND THAT COMES WITH
LOVELY RASPBERRY-INFUSED

ARTICHOKE HEARTS

AND A LIGHT LEMON VINAIGRETTE.

WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO START?

I'M SORRY, I DON'T FEEL SO WELL.

DO YOU HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM?

NO, I THINK I'M JUST
GOING TO GO HOME.

WELL, THEN I'LL...
I'LL TAKE YOU.

NO, STAY.

IT WAS REALLY NICE
SEEING YOU AGAIN, MELVIN.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE
NOT FEELING WELL.

I'LL HAVE BETTE BACK
TO YOU IN NO TIME.

I AM GOING TO HAVE...

THE SEA BASS.

YOO-HOO!

HEY, THERE, LOVEBIRDS.

COME THIS WAY.

JERRY, GET UP.

NOW, YOU'VE BOTH GIVEN
THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT?

UH, YES.

YOU'RE SURE?

UH-HUH.

WELL, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO SCARE YOU.

YOU DIDN'T RUN AWAY
OR ANYTHING, DID YOU?

NO.

NO.

YOU'RE PREGNANT?

NO.

IN LOVE?

YES.

GOOD. I LIKE TO MAKE SURE.

NOW, THIS IS MY HUSBAND, JERRY.

HE WILL BE YOUR WITNESS.

HI.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
GUYS BEEN MARRIED?

UH, WHAT IS IT, 32 YEARS?

IN MARCH.

SEE, IT'S GOOD TO BE SURE.

NOW, YOU WILL STAND OVER
HERE, AND YOU'LL STAND HERE,

AND REMEMBER,

THIS IS THE BEGINNING

OF THE REST OF YOUR LIVES,

SO WHY DON'T YOU BOTH KISS?

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD
WAY TO START OUT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY, WELL, LET'S START.

CHECKOUT'S AT 12:00,

AND IF YOU WANT A
DECENT BREAKFAST,

DON'T GO ACROSS THE STREET.

YOU CAN DRIVE UP 90 ONE MILE

AND GO TO THE PANCAKE HOUSE.

IT'S ON THE LEFT.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU.

UH...

A TOAST?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YES.

UM, GLASSES?

OH, SHOULD I GO GET SOME?

NO, ALLOW ME, PLEASE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, STAND
BACK FOR THIS ONE.

I'M NOT AFRAID.

VERY SMOOTH.

OKAY, I PROPOSE A TOAST...

UH!

TO MR. AND MRS. HASPEL.

AW...

THAT MINISTER WAS PRETTY GREAT,

WASN'T SHE?

WHY?

BECAUSE SHE WAS A WOMAN?

NO.

UH...

COULD YOU JUST...

UH, TAKE A SHOWER OR SOMETHING?

PLEASE.

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.

[KNOCKING]

COME IN.

SO HOW WAS THE PARTY?

I KNOW YOU HATE ME RIGHT NOW,

AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE CALLED.

I KNOW.

I ALWAYS MESS THINGS UP.

DID I MESS EVERYTHING UP?

I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT...

YOU JUST... YOU
MAKE ME SO HAPPY,

AND THAT'S NOT A
VERY FAMILIAR FEELING,

YOU KNOW?

CAN I PLEASE TRY AGAIN?

I REALLY WANT TO TRY AGAIN.

CAN I?

ONE THING.

ANYTHING.

YOU HAVE TO START TAKING

AT LEAST SOME STEPS
TOWARDS BEING OUT.

I WILL.

BECAUSE YOU'RE
GOING TO BE MISERABLE

BEING IN THE CLOSET.

I KNOW.

AND YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY GAY.

I KNOW THAT.

IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

THAT I LIKE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

WHEN YOU HIDE THAT,

YOU'RE HIDING THE BEST PART.

[♪♪♪]

HEY, LITTLE SISTER.

ROGER INVITED THE BAND OVER.

YOU KNOW, THEY
HAVE THE NIGHT OFF.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE...

THE ROGER SUPREME SPECIAL.

YOU WANT SOME OF
THIS, LITTLE SISTER?

NO, THANKS, I'M GOOD.

ALL THE MORE FOR ME.

MM, MM.

BABY, CAN YOU EAT
THAT OUT THERE,

OR BETTER YET, EAT
THAT IN THE BEDROOM,

SO NOBODY SEES YOU,

SO I DON'T HAVE TO
MAKE ANOTHER ONE, OKAY,

AND THANK YOU FOR MINE, OKAY?

YOU'RE MY BABY, YOU KNOW THAT.

YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?

I SAW DAD TONIGHT.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU, I JUST...

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE WE TALK
OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

IT'S COOL. IT'S COOL.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

HE WAS SO... HORRIBLE.

I MEAN... AND HE'S NEVER
BEEN THAT WAY WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD
HIM ABOUT THE BABY,

AND BASICALLY, HE SAID

THAT HE WOULD NEVER CONSIDER
THE BABY TO BE HIS GRANDCHILD.

BETTE...

BETTE, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

HE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED MAN,

A BIGOT IN HIS OWN RIGHT.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO TALK
SOME SENSE INTO YOU

ABOUT THAT MAN,

BECAUSE HE IS NOT THE
SAINT YOU THINK HE IS...

KIT...

OH, GIRL, COME ON,

YOU NEVER WANT
TO HEAR THE TRUTH.

YOU ARE SO BRAINWASHED.

WHAT DO YOU TRADE
TO FEEL HIS PRIDE, HMM?

I HAVE TO GO.

YEAH, YOU DO.

MM...

WHAT IS IT?

DAD, IT'S ME, KATIE.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME,

WE COULD ARRANGE A MEETING
AT A MORE APPROPRIATE HOUR.

I FIGURED YOU WERE UP
DOING YOUR 5:00 AM SIT-UPS.

SO I WAS.

THAT'S A LOT OF YEARS
WITHOUT CHANGING.

IT APPEARS TO BE MUTUAL.

IT HAS BEEN A LONG
TIME, HASN'T IT?

WELL, YES.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, ISN'T IT?

THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES
OF YOUR ACTIONS.

I'M NOT HERE TO
TALK ABOUT ME, DAD.

I'M HERE FOR BETTE.

SHE SENT YOU HERE?

NO...

I CAME ON MY OWN.

SHE SHOWED UP AT MY APARTMENT,

UPSET OVER WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

DO YOU KNOW THE SITUATION?

I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL A
CHILD NOT EVEN RELATED TO ME

A GRANDCHILD.

AND WOULD THAT BE
THE END OF THE WORLD?

NO, IT WOULD BE A LIE.

OH, AND YOU DON'T
EVER DO THAT, DO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SHE EXPECTED FROM YOU,

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHO SHE THINKS YOU ARE.

IF WHAT YOU HAVE IN MIND

IS TO EXPLOIT THE
SITUATION WITH YOUR SISTER

SO THAT YOU CAN COME UP HERE

AND INSULT ME,

I WILL NOT ALLOW IT,

AND IF YOU HAD LIVED SOME
KIND OF LIFE OF DECENCY

AND RESPECTABILITY,

THEN, POSSIBLY, I
WOULD BE YOUR AUDIENCE,

BUT NOT NOW...

YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL

NOT TO TAKE YOUR
ANGER AND BITTERNESS

OVER WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU AND ME

OUT ON BETTE.

SHE'S BEEN HURT ENOUGH BY THAT.

ALL SHE WANTS IS YOUR BLESSING.

WHY WOULD YOU DENY HER THAT?

FOR BIOLOGY?

DON'T TURN BETTE AWAY FROM YOU

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
FIND IT IN YOURSELF

TO ACCEPT HER SITUATION.

SHE THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU.

YOU REJECT HER AND TINA'S CHILD,

AND THAT'S JUST
WHAT YOU'LL BE DOING.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THAT?

OPEN YOUR DOOR 13 YEARS LATER,
AND SEE YOUR DAUGHTER'S FACE,

OLDER AND A STRANGER'S?

I GOT DAVID'S NOTE.

I KNOW YOU MADE HIM WRITE ME.

HMM, ONLY A SUGGESTION.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT
HELP KEEP YOU ON TRACK.

WOULD YOU GIVE HIM THIS?

HIS RETURN ADDRESS
ON THE ENVELOPE

WAS SOME OFFICE AT THE SCHOOL.

[♪♪♪]

[SIRENS]

WHERE'S THE FIRE?

YOU BEEN DRINKING?

I HAD A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE

TO CELEBRATE
AFTER I GOT MARRIED.

YOU GOT MARRIED?

EARLIER, IN TAHOE.

WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?

I LEFT HER IN THE MOTEL ROOM.

DO YOU MIND STEPPING
OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE?

EARLIER TODAY I
CAUGHT MY WIFE...

MY... MY FIANCEE...

I WALKED IN ON HER
CHEATING ON ME.

BUT YOU MARRIED HER?

WHAT'S GOING THROUGH
YOUR HEAD, SON?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE WAS THE ONE I THOUGHT I'D...

SPEND FOREVER WITH.

WELL...

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE...

GOING BACK TO
WHERE YOU CAME FROM

TO KILL THE GUY?

IT WAS A WOMAN.

YOU EVER WATCH PORNOGRAPHY?

UH...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.

WE ALL DO.

YOU KNOW, WE SPEND
OUR WHOLE LIVES

WATCHING PORN,

AND WE NEVER SEE THE WARNING,

BUT THERE IT IS.

YOU KNOW THAT SCENE

WHERE TWO WOMEN
ARE GETTING IT ON,

THE GUY COMES IN, HE'S
ALL HARD, YOU KNOW,

HE'S GONNA GIVE IT TO 'EM.

HE'S GONNA FUCK 'EM GOOD.

WE THINK THAT'S WHAT
THOSE CHICKS WANT,

THE MEAT...

BUT YOU LOOK CLOSELY NEXT TIME.

THAT'S NOT IT.

THEY'RE HAVIN' A
GOOD TIME WITHOUT HIM.

THEY'RE GOING
DOWN ON EACH OTHER,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE...

THEY'RE UP IN THERE,

THEY'RE LICKING EVERYTHING,

AND THE GUY COMES IN,

HE'S READY TO UNLOAD.

THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WANT.

THEY GOT THEIR EYES SQUINTED UP,

LIKE SOMEONE'S GOING
TO POUR GASOLINE ON 'EM.

THERE'S YOUR WARNING.

THAT'S WHY THIS
COUNTRY'S HOMOSEXUALS

ARE SO DANGEROUS.

WHEN YOU GOT TWO PEOPLE,

AND THEY GOT THE SAME EQUIPMENT,

AND THEY BOTH
KNOW HOW TO TREAT IT,

HOW CAN ANYBODY
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

COMPETE WITH THAT?

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU.

YOU, UH...

TRY TO DRIVE THE
SPEED LIMIT, OKAY?

I WILL.

TIM?

TIM?

[♪♪♪]