The Kominsky Method (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Chapter 13. A Shenckman Equivocates - full transcript

The Oldest Waiter in the World
by Alex Moreno.

I wouldn't impose,

but my therapist said
I should put myself out there more.

You have a therapist?

She's more a life coach.

Oh, God, I hate this town.

It's a... It's a sitcom.

Starring you?

Oh, no. I... I'm thinkin' someone younger,

maybe Judd Hirsch.

Okay, I'll be sure and give it a read.



Thank you.

- Hello, Alex.
- Hello, sir.

Not him.

Not me, what?

Don't worry about it.

All right. Norm, this is Martin.
Martin, Norman.

A pleasure.
I've heard so much about you.

So you're December.

- Uh...
- Excuse me?

Well, there's a May-December thing
going on, right?

- Oh... Yeah.
- You're December.

Okay, I got you.

I'm lookin' at you, I don't see November.

Well, let's say I'm just...
Just after Thanksgiving.



So, what do you do?

I was a high school teacher, retired now.

Ooh... Retired, that's bad.

And why is that bad?

Are you kidding? He might as well
take a bath with a toaster.

Why would I want to do that?

Thank you, Alex.

- Martin, what are you drinking?
- What's that?

This is Jack Daniel's and Diet Dr Pepper.

Maybe a vodka martini with a twist.

See that? That's how a man drinks.

Marty, it's a known fact
that the life expectancy

of men who retire is slim to nothing.

Hang on. You're mostly retired.

No. I'm very much involved in
the day-to-day operations of my company.

I've just learned to delegate.

When was the last time
you were in your office?

There's no need to.
We talk on the internet. We use WhatsApp.

Oh, we... Uh, you use WhatsApp?

Yeah. It's encrypted. End to end.

Don't listen to him, you're fine.

Well, up to a minute ago, I thought I was.

Listen to me, Marty. Can I call you Marty?

You know, I actually... I go by...
mostly by Martin.

Marty, get a job.

Any job. Your very life depends upon it.

Well, I just had a checkup
and my doctor said I was in good shape.

Well, Dr. Norman
says you're on the way out.

Is this thing with Mindy serious?

They're living together, Norman.

That's no good.

She should try that eharmony thing.
Meet somebody with a future.

Does he get that I'm sitting here?

He doesn't care.
Something inside of him is broken.

Ah, here we go.

Thanks.

See, now, that...
That's a guy who should retire.

That's a guy who'll outlive you.

A toast.

To Mindy and Marty.

May they have many happy months together.

See? Broken.

Oh, boy.

That was amazing.

Yeah, I told you.

I think the last time
I had liver and onions, I must have been,

I don't know, probably ten years old.

- Is it as good as your mom's?
- Oh, my mom's was awful.

She would incinerate meat,
turn it into shoe leather.

- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.

That was Depression-era cooking.

People would buy the cheapest cut of meat
and burn it to get all the parasites out.

Well, whatever the reason,

if it weren't for ketchup,
I wouldn't be alive today.

Huh.

I was in college
the first time I had steak medium rare.

I couldn't believe how good it was.

I called my mother and told her.
She completely lost her mind.

She started screaming

that I should drink vinegar
to kill all the tapeworms.

- Well, did you?
- Yeah. She scared the pants off me.

You know, sometimes I have dreams
that my folks are still alive.

That I'm having conversations with them.

Me too. Vivid dreams, right?

Oh, yeah, like they were never gone.

Hmm.

Yeah.

My parents are still alive.

Well...

Goody for you.

No, it's not like
they're the picture of health or anything.

You know, they're not...
They're not doing well.

I'm gonna...

Where does a guy
brush his teeth around here?

All right. Excuse me.

Why is he here, exactly?

I thought you two would hit it off.

Yeah, well, swing and a miss.

Give him time, he's got a good heart.

Did you know he was at Woodstock?

Oh, yeah? In a band?

- No, in the mud.
- So?

So, it's a, uh, cultural touchstone.

It's, uh, something we share.

Not with me.
I went to the Newport Jazz Festival.

Okay, something I share with him.

I saw Miles Davis there.

Okay, I get it.
You're more sophisticated than I am.

You saw Country Joe and the Fish.

I wasn't there.

- So why are we talking about this?
- Because Mart...

Oh, never mind.

Is there any news on the Madelyn front?

No. She's being very cool to me.

Sorry.

That's all right.
The whole thing was foolish.

Getting involved with a woman
at my age, uh...

I should have known better.

Boy, if I were you,
I wouldn't give up so fast.

What am I supposed to do? I apologized.
I'm mending fences with Phoebe.

I think you need to do something,
you know, big. Like, a grand gesture.

Like?

An engagement ring.

Are you crazy?
Eileen just died a few months ago.

I know under normal circumstances,
you'd have a longer grief period,

but let's be honest.

How much time do you really got?

Apparently enough time to waste it
eating dinner with you

and the roly-poly ponytail.

Norman, if this woman makes you happy,
and I know she does,

you should fight like hell
not to lose her.

That's what Phoebe said.

Well, there you go.

Relationship advice from a drug addict
fresh out of rehab

and a guy who's been divorced three times.

How can you go wrong?

Hey.

Don't want to put a damper
on the evening, but, uh...

I gotta say,
I don't... I don't feel so good.

What's goin' on?

Well, I was takin' a leak,
and I felt this... this sharp pain

right... right here, like a...
like a heavy weight.

What did I tell you? Retirement.

Really? Jesus.

We just had a pretty heavy meal.
You sure it's not indigestion?

I, uh... I... I suppose it could be, but...

Try belching,
see if that relieves the pressure.

- Anything?
- No.

- Try farting.
- Norman!

Gas doesn't care which hole.

Try it.

Okay...

- Uh...
- Lift a cheek.

The other way.

- Oh, boy.
- What?

I just shit myself.

- You're kidding!
- Mm.

- No, he's not. He's not.
- Oh.

Oh! Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Okay.

All right. I'm calling this.
All right. Alex, 911.

Sorry about this, fellas.

Fuck it. You're gonna be fine.

Cedars-Sinai
is right around the corner, right?

God damn it.
I saved room for cheesecake, too. Oh!

Feel a little foolish now?

What?

You said he had a good heart.

You don't have to sit here.
You can go home.

No, no, no. I want to see what happens.

- How is he?
- It was a mild heart attack.

They're puttin' in a couple of stents.

Doctor said not to worry,
you can probably take him home tomorrow.

You might wanna bring him
some new pants.

- What?
- Ignore him.

I don't know which drug
you're sendin' through me,

but keep it comin'.

You know, it's funny, but...
when I started teaching,

that was a noble profession back then.

Teachers were a respected part
of the community.

But now, no way, no sirree.

Now we're the first people the police
visit when a child goes missing.

And you know why? Because in this culture,

right now,

if you care about children,
if you care about their future,

well, then there is, ipso facto,
something wrong with you, you know?

By the way, if... if you're a bachelor,
if you're a single man, forget about that.

Why, that's tantamount to...
Then you're... You're a pedophile satanist.

You know, you... Oh, uh,
don't pass Go, don't collect $200,

you sicko pervert.

I... I'm a good person.

I'm not a pervert.

Although I'm not adverse

to a little finger in the heinie
once in a while.

Your father says
I should propose marriage,

but I don't know, that seems
to me a little desperate.

I'm thinking I could patch things up

with maybe a nice gift card,
maybe Williams-Sonoma.

Norman, no offense,
but I'm kind of distracted right now.

Because of Marty?
Don't worry, stents are no big deal.

It's like snaking a toilet.

Make him stop talking.

Oh, honey, I've been trying for years.

Okay, a little change of plans.

We started to put in a stent
and decided he needed bypass surgery.

- Oh, my God!
- But the operation went perfectly.

He's going to be fine.

Oh, that's great.
That's great. Thank you, doc.

A couple of weeks' rest,
he'll be as good as new.

How can you say such a thing?

Excuse me?

He's a 66-year-old man with no job,
he had a heart attack,

and you're saying "good as new"?

What? I told him to go home.

Sweetheart, he'll never be as good as new,

but if you want him to be good
for a couple more years,

put him to work.

Starbucks, Home Depot.

Anything other than, say, picking fruit,

because that can be brutal.

When can I see him?

As soon as he wakes up. Maybe half hour.

Thank you.

Anything else you want to say, Norman?

No. I think we've covered it.

Mindy must be a wreck.

She's pretty shook up.

Aww.

Well, I'll give her a call later,
see if she needs any help.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah, I just can't help thinking,
there but for the grace of God, you know.

Well, if you're worried,
call your doctor and get a checkup.

I'm not worried.

Well, um... What's...
What's "there but for the grace of God"?

Never mind, forget about it.

When's the last time
you had a stress test?

Um...

- Last time I had sex with you.
- Oh! Hm.

Came through with flying colors.

Well...

Well, I came through it. Hm.

You should just get a checkup.

Ah, I don't need a checkup.

I really wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

By bringing up the possibility
of me having...

cardio issues,

you're kind of inviting trouble.

So what,

having a conversation about it
is... is bad luck?

No, it's... it's not bad luck,
it's just that you're...

You're putting it out there
in the universe as a possibility.

It's better not to talk about it.

When did you get superstitious?

- I'm not superstitious.
- Oh.

I just have a healthy respect
for bad juju.

Uh, bad juju?

Regardless, you don't take your car
to the mechanic

when it's running just fine.

Yeah, you do when your car was built
in 1945.

I should never have told you
my real birthday.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

You maybe feel like takin' the car out
for a little spin?

Really?

Are we done with that platonic bullshit?

I will give you three seconds
to rephrase that.

I would love to.

Hmm.

Much better.

I, um... Just need a half hour...

to digest my dinner.

Sure.

You know what?

Let's call it an hour.

That stuff's pretty greasy.

Well, you're certainly looking better.

Thank you.

Wasn't sure what magazines you like
so I just took a guess, and, uh...

I just had a heart attack
and you guessed Cigar Aficionado?

There's an interview with Danny DeVito.
He talks about humidors.

Okay.

How's the soup?

The soup... It's fine.

Jerry's Deli.
Also brought you a pastrami sandwich,

but, uh, Mindy confiscated it.

Yeah. Because Mindy wants me to live.

Yeah, I get that.

But you still have to have
something to live for.

It's a little too late for that.

Sandy, let me tell you somethin'.

I have wasted my life.

No, no. Don't... Don't say that.

I never took any chances.

I just... I played it safe.

I disagree.
You've helped thousands of kids

become productive citizens.

Oh, fuck 'em.

You're just being cynical
for what you went through.

A couple of weeks from now,
you'll be singing a different tune.

It's funny you would say that.

You know, I... I could have had a career
as a singer.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

Had a band in college.
Played keyboards.

Yeah. We did Allman Brothers
and the Stones, Jethro Tull.

- "Aqualung"?
- "Aqualung."

Stupid fuckin' song.

"Snot running down his nose,
greasy fingers, smearing shabby clothes."

Who writes that?

Yeah, but he played the flute.
That was cool.

Played the flute.

So, why'd you quit?

Why'd I quit? My parents...

begged me to get a teaching degree,

you know, so I'd have something
to fall back on

in case the music thing didn't pan out.

- And you fell back.
- Like the French army.

So, my big dream of playing my rock opera
at the Fillmore East

somehow became
playing "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"

at Blaine Weintraub's bar mitzvah.

- Yeah, that's another stupid song.
- Yeah.

Try playing it for 200 people
eatin' pound cake.

I wish I was more like you.

You had the guts to...
to stick with your dream.

Well, thank you. Thanks.

I mean, you stayed with it

long after it was clear
you weren't goin' anywhere.

Well, I... I wouldn't go that far.

No, it's true.
The writing was on the wall,

you refused to read it.

Thanks again. So, uh...

About your rock opera, what was it about?

It was good, good story.

Blind boy falls in love
with a deaf girl during a nuclear war.

Cuban missile crisis, nuclear war.
I'm sensing a theme here.

When I was 14,
I got a blowjob in a bomb shelter.

Eh, it really informed my work.

- Duck and cover.
- Mm-hm.

A good play.

Eh, but, uh...

But I quit on it, because...

I'm a quitter.

No, no, no. Hey, come on, you...
you're being too hard on yourself.

And I put my whole heart and soul
into the thing.

I'm sure you did.

No, it was good.

♪ Can you see the mushroom cloud? ♪

♪ Can you hear
The boom so loud? ♪

Then the whole chorus comes in.

♪ Fallout, fallout, fallout
While we fall in love ♪

- Catchy.
- Yeah.

Hey, Siri, call Dr. Shenckman.

Calling Dr. Shenckman.

Dr. Shenckman's office,
please hold.

♪..of his broken luck ♪

♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪

Fuck it, it's a sign.

♪ Sitting on a park bench ♪

♪ Eyeing little girls with bad intent ♪

♪ Snot running down his nose ♪

♪ Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes ♪

♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Aqualung ♪

You know what?
I really don't care anymore. We just...

Give her the house and the cars
and the dog

and my cock and balls.

What difference does it make?
It's all bullshit anyway!

Half?

Half the practice?

Uh... Sure, why not, you know?

Just four years of med school,
eight years of residency,

30 years of blood, sweat and tears,
how is that not community property?

Sandy Kominsky's here.

Give me a minute.

Jeffrey, just give her
whatever the fuck she wants.

All right? I just want it over.

I gotta go. Bye.

Come in.

Thank you.

- Hey, doc.
- Sandy.

Hey, how you doin'?

A little nervous, but...

You're smiling. That's encouraging.

Yeah, I'm always smiling, you know?

Gotta maintain a positive outlook.

Let's have a gander
at those test results.

Ah.

Aaaaah.

Mm-hm.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Are these your kids?

Only on weekends and holidays.

Well!

You got, um, good news
and some bad news.

Why do you guys always do this?
You... Just tell me.

Sorry, just trying to keep things loose.

Tell me.

Fine.

Well, your heart is...
is perfectly healthy.

You've got no blockage in your arteries,
you got great blood pressure,

all systems A-okay.

Thank you. Uh...

And the, uh...

the bad news?

Can I just be a little loose?

Doc.

Okay. Well, we found a spot
on one of your lungs.

What kind of spot?

Well, we're gonna have to do a biopsy
to be sure,

but it's most likely cancer.

I haven't had a cigarette
in 40 years. I...

Good for you.

I still sneak one once in a while.

Jesus!

Fuck!

Is it treatable?

I would think so.

We caught it pretty early.

Okay.

Okay, so, um...

Uh, chemo?

Radiation?

A lot of these questions
would be better answered

by an oncologist.

And I will give you referrals.

Thank you. Thank you.

"Aqualung," of course.

Can I keep working?

Again, it's better to ask an oncologist.

Uh, but I would say some of the treatments
are pretty debilitating.

So do you have someone
who can go through this with you?

I'm gonna have to make some calls.

Okay.

Good.

Yes.

Thanks, doc.

Call me with anything, but, uh...

spirits up.

Okay, don't tell me. Let me guess.

- You're in trouble with the IRS again.
- No.

You fathered identical twins

while you were doing Pippin
in the Adirondacks,

and now they've hunted you down,
they want money.

No! Jesus, twins.

You shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die.

- What?
- Johnny Cash.

Okay, I give up.

What can I help you with?

Uh, next week,
I start treatment for lung cancer.

Oh, God, Sandy!

Yeah. Uh...

Anyway, I might need some help
with the day-to-day stuff.

Of course, anything you need.

Uh...

Have you told Mindy yet?

No. And that's another thing,
I don't want her to know.

She's got enough on her hands with Martin.

Okay.

In fact,

let's not tell anyone.

I don't want people
treating me differently.

So, you're gonna do
the quiet, stoic thing.

- Right.
- Okay, well...

- let's see how long that lasts.
- Well...

Can I ask you what the prognosis is?

Uh, uh... Did they...
Did they catch it early?

Yeah. At least that's what they told me.

Well, that's fortuitous, right?

I guess, eh...

- You gonna keep working?
- I'm gonna try.

What are you gonna tell people
if your hair falls out?

I asked about that.

It may not happen
with this kind of treatment.

And if it did,

bald is hip these days, eh?

Yeah, I've noticed that.

The other day, a young man at my office

asked me what I use
to shave my head with.

What did you tell him?

I said every few days,
I soak my head in chicken fat.

- You're a bad man.
- Yeah, I know.

I'm hoping he comes to work
smelling like broth.

Yeah.

We're gonna get you through this.

I hope so.

No hoping.

We'll just do it.