The Kominsky Method (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Chapter 10. An Old Flame, an Old Wick - full transcript

Hello, ex-husband.

Hello, ex-wife. How's it going?

Oh, you know.

Every day without you is a day
filled with sunshine and lollipops.

Yeah, same here.

Did I ever tell you, after the divorce,

that my hair stopped falling out?

That's good.

Your hair was the only thing about you
worth saving.

Mm.

How did I not put a pillow over your head
when I had the chance?



You didn't have the balls.
What do you want?

Well, something came up with Mindy.

- Is she all right?
- Yeah, yeah, she's fine.

What's goin' on?

I'm not sure if you know this or not,

but your daughter has got herself mixed up

with a guy that's, like, twice her age.

Oh, that! Yeah, of course I know.

Say "Aah."

Say what?

- Aaah...
- Not talking to you.

Wait, she told you? When did she tell you?

Oh, I don't know.

About a year ago.



You've known about this for a year?

Did you ever think about telling me?

Mm... No, never crossed my mind.

So... what exactly is your concern?

What do you mean, "What is my concern?"

The guy is, like, an old man.

So are you.

Never stopped you
from dating younger women.

This is different.

How so?

This is my daughter.

Ah!

You're such a hypocrite.

Tell me something I don't know.

Have you met him yet?

No, I'm supposed to have dinner
with them tonight.

Well, then, relax. He's a terrific guy.

You've met him?

Uh-huh. Martin Schneider.

Absolutely adores Mindy.

Wait a minute.

You've known about this for a year
and you've met the guy?

Look at you connecting the dots.

See, I can't believe she waited so long
to tell me.

Maybe your daughter doesn't trust you

with her personal affairs.

Hey, she trusts me, all right?
We're close. We're closer than ever.

But she didn't tell you
about her boyfriend.

Does that hurt?

A little bit. Yeah.

So this does not creep you out at all?

No. Actually, I'm kind of surprised.

You're being so old-fashioned.

Hey, I'm not old-fashioned!

Matter of fact,
a lot of the kids here at my class

say that I'm very, uh... "woke."

Uh-huh.

That's right. You're talking to a man
who's got no problem

droppin' a deuce
in a gender-neutral bathroom.

Oh, thank you for that lovely image.

You're welcome.

Look, Sandy, you can't control her life.

All you can do is be there for her
without judgment.

I know that! You don't think I know that?

I just don't want my kid
to get hurt.

If she's not thinking ahead,

a couple of years from now,
she'll be changing this guy's diapers.

Your real concern should be
who's gonna change your diapers.

Says the woman who pees
when she laughs.

Your mother warned me not to marry you.

Said you were a lying, cheating scumbag
just like your old man.

You are the worst mistake I ever made
in my life.

Back at you, fucko.

I don't recall him being this big.

You told me
you were comfortable around horses.

I'm comfortable betting on them.

Well, you can't turn back now.
You bought the outfit.

That's another thing.
This was a fun idea in the store,

but I look like
Howdy Doody, the later years.

You look great!

There's nothing to worry about.
Nancy's a very old and gentle horse.

I'm old and gentle.

See what happens
if you try to climb on my back.

Seriously, I would bite you.

Well, just give it a try, okay?

- Louis and Vincent will help you up.
- I don't need any help.

Uh...

Oof! Uh...

Lord!

Louis, Vincent, a little help.

- Now what?
- Just pick up the reins.

And now we go for a nice leisurely ride.

Be sure and put that on my tombstone.

Oh, just give her a little kick.

A kick?

Yeah, a kick.

- You want me to kick the horse?
- Yeah, I do.

Nancy, I apologize in advance.

Aah!

Is there a turn signal on this thing?

I feel compelled

to check the lower 40 for stray cattle.

It's beautiful.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you made the drive up here.

- Me too.
- Mm.

Thank you for the invite.

- Can I share something with you?
- Of course.

My ass is killing me.

What ass? You don't have an ass.

What are you talking about?
I happen to have a very substantial booty.

- Chicken Marsala okay for tonight?
- Hang on, let me just...

Hey, remind me to tell you
about Beta-Sitosterol.

Beta-what?

Sitosterol.
It's a natural prostate supplement.

Uh-huh. And you know about this how?

Well, I...

I told Martin
you were having some problems...

down there, and he recommended it.

Really? So then I assume

that your fella's
got similar problems down there.

Yes, Dad. My fella does.

He swears by the supplement.

Says it really helps him from having
to get up a lot during the night.

Okay. Well, please thank him for me
and I'll look into it.

Or you can thank him yourself.

Sure, but not while we're eating.

That's when we'll talk
about walk-in bathtubs.

By the way, you tell your mother

about your personal life
and you don't tell me.

That hurts my feelings.

- Oh, come on, Dad.
- No, no.

No. That's all I have to say
on the subject.

Uh... Gonna need a minute!

Hm.

- God damn it!
- Where are you going?

To use that fucking
gender-neutral bathroom at Café Gratitude.

Strange, isn't it?

Well, it's strange and... and wonderful.

It's like no time has passed,

we're just continuing a conversation
that we started 50 years ago.

- Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot...
- What?

The longest ellipsis in history.

In the meantime, you had a good life?

Yeah, very good.

Ah.

And you?

Can't complain.

Well, actually that's not true, um...

Christopher was sick for a very long time.

My Eileen went through the same thing.

I didn't think there was
any more happiness left for me.

I know how you feel.

Some cowboys we are.

Weepin' on the ol' prairie.

So, these ducks. Are they migratory
or do they just live here?

You know, indigenous?

I have a question for you.

Hm? What?

How am I gonna get back
on that fucking horse?

Way to go, Mindy.
Couldn't pick a rich guy.

Sandy, welcome!

Hi.

Hi!

I'm Martin. Please, come in!

Whew! Nice car.

- Uh... I brought a chardonnay...
- Oh!

- Great, thank you.
- It's from Washington State.

The checkout guy at Trader Joe's
said it's pretty good.

Cool.

You ever need a single malt,
I got a bag boy at Costco.

Kid's a bit of an alkie,
but, uh... really knows his stuff.

- Cool.
- Yes.

Hey, Dad. Be right there.

Take your time.

Hm.

I like your home. It's, uh...

It's very cozy.

Uh... Thank you. Yeah. Kind of...

Really kinda let it go
in the last couple of years,

but your daughter's really helped me
zhuzh it up again.

- Yes, so the throw pillows...
- Throw pillows, her.

- Candles...
- Candles are mine.

- I make them.
- Oh.

I'm an artsy-craftsy kind of guy.
Got a potter's wheel in the garage.

- Ah.
- Hey, you ever need a vase, don't be shy.

That's good to know.

Yeah.

- What do you say we open this sucker up?
- Sounds good.

Okay.

Oh, she brought her cats.

No, actually the...
The big, fat white one is mine.

- Hm.
- Name's Whitey.

I have to be so careful when I call him.

How long have you been here?

Uh, let's see, rented for a few years

and then bought the place in 1986.

1986.

That was the year Mindy was born.

Whew.

- Sorry.
- No, no. Don't be silly.

- It's weird.
- Very weird.

Holy fuck, is it weird.

In all seriousness, Sandy, I...

I wasn't looking for this.

- It just happened.
- Yeah, that's what shit does.

It happens. Shit happens.

Mindy actually made the first move.

I would never be bold enough
to ask out a woman half my age.

That does take a set of balls.

And not the kind that get all twisted
if you sit funny.

Never, huh?

Just me. Okay. All right.

What's in all the boxes?

Oh! Those are books. I wrote a book.

No kidding? Congratulations.

What's it about?

It's a young adult novel

about an awkward teenager
who's hitting puberty

right in the middle
of the Cuban missile crisis, 1962.

Is it autobiographical?

Except for the part
where he sleeps with his cousin.

My cousin, I just felt up a little.

Who published it?

Uh... I did.

- Okay.
- You want one?

Sure, yeah, thank you, yeah.

Take 20. Makes a great stocking stuffer.

- Everybody getting along?
- You bet.

Oh, yeah, just great.

Here we go, Sandy.

- Thank you.
- And that's for you, sweetie.

Thank you, honey.

I see you've got a copy
of Autumn for Epstein.

Yeah, I... I got a few.

Hey, you never told me
how the two of you met.

- Oh!
- Oh. It was really romantic.

We met at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena
at a book signing.

Nice. For your book?

Uh, no. Uh, Jonathan Franzen.

Oh, yeah, he's a good writer.

Okay, he's fine.

- Uh, how about a little toast?
- Oh.

Uh...

To my sassy lady.

Sassy? Really?

- What's wrong with sassy?
- Yeah, it's a good word.

Oh. Okay. Yeah, no.
Well, never mind. It's fine.

Sassy.

To my sassy lady,
I love you more than words can say.

Ugh. You're such a cornball.

Isn't he a cornball?

I love you too.

And to Sandy, in the words of Rick Blaine,

I hope this is the beginning

- of a beautiful friendship.
- Aww.

Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Hm.

- Huh.
- Who's Rick Blaine?

Humphrey Bogart.

Oh. Sure. He's dead, right?

Oh, yeah. Very much so.

- Let's eat.
- Yeah.

So, Martin, I hear you met Mindy's mom.

Oh, yes.

Fish okay? Not too dry?

No, everything's delicious. Thank you.

How's the tush?

You know...

I actually think it's angry with me

as if I've betrayed it
by bouncing up and down on Nancy.

Does protocol dictate now
that I inquire about your tush?

Oh... Only if you're concerned.

You know...

I believe I am.

It's fine. Thank you for asking.

Good! Please send my regards.

Maybe you should send them yourself.

Um...

I...

Mm.

- Uhhhh...
- Hm.

So Mindy tells me
that you recently retired.

Yep.

I taught English and history
in LA's-school system, 38 years.

- Whoa. You must've really loved it.
- You'd think.

Oh... Come on!

One of his students is a state senator.

And another one is a CEO
for a Fortune 500 company.

And don't forget one prize student

currently on death row in Texas.

How is your chicken Marsala?

- It's great!
- It's not too garlicky?

- I like it spicy.
- Me too,

but always seem
to pay the price afterwards.

One Prilosec, two Tums

and a pillow that elevates your shoulders
while you're sleeping.

- Really?
- Trust me.

- A-ha!
- Hm.

Now what's the deal
with this beta, uh... sister-solay...

Beta-Sitosterol.
It's an over-the-counter supplement.

It's a little sketchy,
but seems to help with the...

Sorry for this.

Emptying the bladder once a night
instead of four times.

Four times? I wish it was four times.

Well, give it a try.

It's that or I sleep
with my ass in a salad bowl.

Well, isn't this nice?
You two have something in common.

Yeah. We're both fallin' apart.

Oh, boy. Remember, uh... Walter Brennan?

- Sure.
- Sometimes,

I look in the mirror
and that... that's who I see.

"Somebody get the sheriff!"

"The Dalton Gang's back in town."

Hey, you know who this is?

"Good night, Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are."

- Ha-ha! Jimmy Durante!
- Bingo!

Aah!

You don't know
who Jimmy Durante is, do you?

- Is he dead too, or...
- They're all dead.

So much in common.

Hm!

Okay, well, uh...

Thank you, uh, for...
a really lovely evening.

You are very welcome.

So, yes.

Thank you.

Well, uh, if you need anything, I'm...
I'm not far. I'm just down the hall.

Okey-dokey.

Anything at all.

Right-o.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Fuckin' crazy.

Whoa! Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.

You were actually there
when they won the World Series?

Shea Stadium, October 16th, 1969.

I was sitting in the bleachers
with my dad.

Unbelievable. Miracle Mets!

Greatest day of my life!

Next to when Mindy was born.

Thanks.

Oh, my God. All right, I got one for you.

I was at Woodstock.

- No!
- All four days.

Lot of drugs, a lot of mud.

Remember Hendrix?

- "The Star-Spangled Banner"?
- Of course.

Yeah, I missed it.

I was so high,
I couldn't get out of the Porta-Potty.

I swear to God.

Ah! Excuse me.

Sorry, I gotta take this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

This is fun, huh?

Yeah, what's up?

- Sandy.
- Yeah. What's up?

It's Norman.

I got it. What's up?

- I'm in Santa Barbara.
- Okay.

- With Madelyn.
- Keep goin'.

I think she expects me
to have sex with her tonight.

Congratulations!

No, no congratulations!

I haven't had sex
with anybody but Eileen in 46...

no, 47 years!

Norman, we've talked about this.

What do you think... Uh, scratch that.

What do you know
Eileen most wanted for you?

To be happy.

Okay, then.

It seems to me that in order
to honor the wishes of your deceased wife,

you have no choice
but to fuck your old girlfriend.

Don't be crude.

Don't be a prig.

What if I can't? Who the hell knows
if the plumbing still works anymore?

It's probably rusted shut.

Okay, all... all right.
Well, the plumbing is a different subject.

Now...

Miss Madelyn,
she seems quite fond of you, am I right?

I would say so, yes.

- She's an attractive woman.
- Very.

And I take it, with homes in New York,
in London, in Santa Barbara,

she can be considered quite well-to-do.

Sandy, I would give you a number,
but you would leap to your death.

So, given everything
that we know about Madelyn,

does she need to hunt down
someone like you in order to get laid?

Um...

I would say no, she could probably,
almost certainly do better.

I would agree.

- Still the thought of disappointing her...
- Norman,

uh, you once told me that
the first lesson an agent has to learn

is that
the truth is a good fallback position.

So instead of freaking yourself out,

why not try that with Madelyn?

You mean tell her I'm insecure
about my ability to perform?

What kind of a man tells a woman that?

An 80-year-old man
who's at peace with himself,

who's had more than his share of...

fornicating and has nothing left to prove.

Good point. What do I have to prove?

You have thrust your dagger enough
for ten men.

It's more of a sword than a dagger.

If you say so.

And it's probably better
than what I was planning.

Which was?

Wait till she's asleep,
then drive out to the desert

where I vanish, never to be seen
or heard from again.

Let's stick a pin in that one,
all right?

Listen, I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait! How's it going
with the geriatric boyfriend?

I actually like the guy.

Well, that's nice. More than me?

No, you? You'll always be my first love.

Good.

Remember, ride the horse
in the direction it is going.

Already did that.

You know you have to kick it first?

Good night, Norman.

I'm confused because I thought
you wanted us to get along.

Yeah. Get along.
Not be bosom fucking buddies.

Okay, you know what? When he comes back,
I'll be a prick to him.

Hey, Marty.

You want to blow a joint?

Do I?

Norman.

It's been a long time since I've been with
anybody other than Eileen, and we had a...

we had a very specific routine worked out.

Okay.

Also, you know, I'm 80 years old
and there's that.

My darling,
I don't care if anything happens.

I just want to be with you.

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.

Norman?

Norman?

Oh!

Is it okay if I sleep
on the right side of the bed?

Uh...

Jeez, I don't know.
That's... That's where I sleep.

Well, you better think it over.
It's kind of a deal breaker.

Boy, you drive a hard bargain.

And don't say "hard."

I guess I'll try.

I think I'm gonna cry again.

Me too.