The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 9, Episode 13 - China Syndrome Part 2 - full transcript

- I want to make you happy, Arthur.
- I have no doubt about that.

See the picture. What is it?

- I don't know. Some baby.
- Yeah. Our baby.

Her name is Ming Mei
and is four days old.

Isn't she beautiful? I must call
to the adoption agency.

- and tell her we'll be right over.
to Beijing immediately.

I don't get it.

I've ordered Chinese before,
but never a baby.

We don't.

What? What are you talking about?

I know you don't
part with the apartment.



I should have
got rid of it, but...

We had a deal. I quit,
and I love that job.

You hated it.
You always said that.

But I sacrificed myself
for our future, you didn't.

Okay, Doug,
what do you say?

- That it's over?
- I guess so.

That's a great shot.
Smile.

Ohh.

Oh, arthur, i've never
been so happy in my life.

If our marriage ended
tomorrow, i have no regrets.

Good to know.

Holly, how are you?

Hi, veronica.
Hi, arthur.

Congratulations.



Look at you.
You're pregnant.

No, no. I made
that mistake before.

She has
an eating disorder.

Oh, no, no.
I actually am pregnant.

Oh, wonderful.
So, where's your husband?

Uh, yeah. Where is he?

Uh, he must've gone
to the men's room.

Oh, that's where arthur
proposed to me.

Oh. I've had
that happen, yeah.

Actually, it was more
of a porta-Potty.

But anyway,
congratulations.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Carrie, congratulations.

Thank you, lou.

It's a happy day,
isn't it?

Yes, very happy day.

Hello.

Hey.

You're lookin' well.

I, uh, like
the new highlights.

Thank you.

Look, danny,
i know things got ugly

Between us
when i moved out,

And that-
That was my fault,

And i just wanna say
i'm sorry.

Hey, man, don't worry
about it, buddy, all right?

Good. Well, now that, you know,
arthur's marrying my mom,

Um, he's probably gonna
be taking, uh, my bed

Since it's same as hers,

So i was wondering
if maybe i could...

Move back...

Who's this?

This is, uh, sandy,
my new girlfriend

And roommate.

Roommate? That's...

Great.

Yeah, i moved in
last week.

Oh, i had to pack up
some of your stuff

To make some room
in the closet, mostly...

Magazines.

Yeah, those are for a research
project about thailand,

With, um...

Hey, spence,
congratulations.

Oh. Thanks, lou.

Happy day, isn't it?

Very happy. Um,

Would you excuse me
for a second?

Doug?

Spencer!

Hey, buddy,
party's out here.

Let me just get you
set up, man.

I gotta
get you set up.

Ah.
There you go, buddy.

Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, god.

Hey.

What-Wh-What are you
doing out here?

Just celebratin'
my freedom.

Carrie and i are
gettin' a divorce.

What?!

Mm-Hmm.
Turns out she kept

Her apartment
in manhattan,

So split 'em up!

Doug, i have
a confession to make.

I'm the one that called and told
you she was still in the apartment.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, i-

I thought i was
in love with her.

But-But i realize now it was because
things weren't going well at home, and...

Now that's gone, too.

You are one sweet...

Creepy little dude.

Hey, if you wanna move
in with me, that's cool.

Really?

You mean it?

Hell to the yeah!

I know i mess
with you a lot, but...

The truth is i love you more
than any of my other friends.

Well, thanks, doug.

I- You know, y-You've always
been kind of a hero to me.

I am not a hero!

I'll kill you!

Ok, i didn't-

I didn't
mean anything by it.

And now i love you.

Come on.
Let's wrestle.

Aw, kel, i can't believe
i screwed everything up.

One moment of weakness, and i
lost my husband, my ming mel.

He really
won't forgive you?

No, and who can
blame him?

I mean,
i didn't show him

The commitment
he deserves,

And that is just
unforgivable.

Yeah, well, he's let you down
lots of times.

Yeah, but nothing
like this.

What about when he
faked a heart attack

Because he forgot
your boss' name?

That wasn't a big deal.

What about when he used your tax
refund to buy an ice-Cream truck?

Yeah, but that
was my fault.

I shouldn't have left
the check lying around.

What about when you had to
cancel your birthday trip to paris

Because he was a semifinalist
in a bladder bust contest?

Yeah, that was
a kick in the chiclets.

Folks, we have a very
special treat for you tonight.

Our beautiful bride is gonna sing
one of her hit records for us.

So please welcome
to the stage

The very lovely and talented
Ava st. Clair.

I- I'm not Ava st. Clair.

I'm not cliff robertson,
but that didn't stop me

From signing my meals
to his hotel room.

Now get up there.

So would you care
for garden or caesar?

Uh, garden salad,
please.

And would you know if
there's anyone sitting there?

Yeah, my husband.
Heh heh.

I mean, of course
i have a husband.

Look at me.

Of course. Do you know if he
would like garden or caesar?

Caesar.

Holly, it's so good
to see you.

Hi, lou.

Such a happy day.

Oh, god.

This is pornographic.

Aah!

Ohh! Aah!

That-That's 11-4, me.

Let's go.
Hands and knees.

No, i'm not wrestling
with you anymore.

You don't respect
my safe word.

Such a baby.

Hey, holly.
I'm drunk. Are you?

No.

Well, a little.

Hey, hol.
How's it goin'?

Great. Great.

My husband
just left me,

And i'm about to have a baby
with no job and no money,

But other than that,
real good.

I'm splittin' up
with carrie.

You wanna move in
with me?

Really?
Oh, my god. Yes. Yes.

No, no. You-Wait. You said
i could move in with you.

Did i? You're out.
Holly's in.

Doug, i-I can't believe how
kind and generous you're being.

I mean, honestly, i didn't even
think you liked me that much.

No. Truth is, i mean, i love you
more than any of my other friends.

Oh, my god.

Doug, i'm-Thank you.

I really needed to hear
something like that right now.

Oh, no problem.

Come on.
Let's wrestle.

Thank you very much.

Now if i could have your
attention, it's time for the toast.

Toasting our groom,
arthur spooner,

Is his best man and
son-In-Law, doug heffernan.

Holly, have you
seen douglas?

He fell asleep
when we were wrestling.

Well, at least you weren't
under him when it happened.

That was 6 of the most
terrifying hours of my life.

Spence, congratulations.
You're my new best man.

Now get up there
and toast me, kid.

I don't feel like it,
arthur.

I'm having
a very rough night.

I'm your father.
I command you to toast me.

I'll toast who i want
when i want.

You got that, dad?

This isn't over.

Hey, uh, heh.

Like the way you stood up to him there.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

You know, kind of
reminded me of the way

You stood up to our landlord
about that roach problem.

Oh. Well, the lease clearly states
when there's more than a thousand,

It's his responsibility.

You see, i wouldn't
have known that.

Hey, did you see america's
next top model this week?

Yes! Can you believe it
came down to marquesa and lisi?

I know! I mean, it's so obvious
who's gonna win this thing.

Duh. Marquesa.
Marquesa.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Marquesa. Eww.

Lisi's way better
for couture.

Come on, danny. Let's
go home. I'm bored.

All right. Why don't you,
uh, go grab your jacket?

I'll be right with you.
Ok.

Sorry about the whole
marquesa thing.

It's cool.
It's cool.

Well, i guess she's
waitin' for me.

Better take off.

Yeah. See you
at the allergist's.

I don't even
know you that well.

I'm a crusty curmudgeon
with a heart of gold.

Now go!

Hi. Uh, i'll never forget
the first time i met arthur.

I was, uh, sitting in the
heffernan living room, watching tv.

Uh, arthur came in,
and when he saw me,

He begged me not to hurt him,
then ran off to call the police.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hoo!

And, hello, remember
that time your appendix burst

And he wouldn't
leave work early?

He did leave work early
to go to the rodeo.

That's it.

I just-I think
you'll feel better

If you have a little
something to eat.

I'll get you
my husband's prime rib.

Oh. Thank you, spence.

You know, you really
had me goin' out there, doug.

"I took a leap of faith
for you.

You didn't take
a leap of faith for me."

Do you know how many times
in our marriage

You have screwed me over
to do what you wanted to do?

Aw, here we go
with the rodeo again.

It comes to town
once a year!

It wasn't just that, doug.
It was many other things,

And i forgave you
for everything,

So you damn well better
forgive me for this.

You don't tell me what i
better damn well better do.

Ok, you know what?

Do whatever you wanna do,
but let me tell you something.

I love this baby,
and i want her,

And i am gonna get her
for myself.

Oh, no. No, no, no, 'cause
i wanted a baby first, ok?

So if anybody's gonna get
the baby, it's gonna be me.

Oh, you really
think so, butch?

Well, i'm on my way to china
right now to get her.

Yeah? Not if i
get there first.

I'm gonna get there first.

Whoa.

And then there was the time
arthur thought i was eddie murphy.

Hey, we gotta go.

Go. Go where?

To china to get
my baby. Come on.

Actually, you can just
drop me at the airport

If you don't wanna
come with.

Uh, sure.

Let's all toast
arthur spooner, a great guy

Who's a little racist.

Doug, should i move in after
you get back from china or-

Hey, holly! Glad to see
you could make it.

Well, i guess i'm
back out on the street.

Well, seeing as you and i
are in the same situation,

Do you wanna
get a place together?

Really?
You mean it?

Oh, of course. I-I would
like nothing better than...

You forget something?

Yeah.

I forgot my roommate.

W- Wait. You and i
were gonna-

Yeah, that's not
gonna work out.

Well, you know, if things
work out between us,

You'll have to convert.

Of course i will.

To what?

I'll just get
my passport,

And then we'll
get the hell out of here.

Doug, you've never
been out of america.

Why do you even
have a passport?

I heard they still
had the mcrib in canada.

Oh, hey. Off to china.
Don't wait up.

Hey! Did you take
my passport?

Oh, no, babe,
it's still here...

Somewhere.

Hello.

You found it?

Gotta admit the vegetable
crisper was an inspired choice.

But you've never gone in
that drawer your whole life.

You don't even know
it exists.

But deacon does.

His b.L.T.
Was delicious,

As is my revenge.

Doug.
Hmm?

Doug.

Oh, god.

What?

So what's
our endgame here?

What are we gonna do
when we land?

We gonna race through the streets
of beijing to the adoption agency?

I don't know.

Because if we have to
take rickshaws, you'll lose.

Not if it's downhill.

What happened here?

I don't know.

You know, when my, uh...

When my mom died
when i was a kid,

It felt like i was nothing,
you know, like i had no life.

My dad did his best
to be a good parent, but...

Who we kiddin'?

Anyway, on-On sundays,
he used to take me

To this park
on vernon boulevard,

Right on the east river,

Where you could look across
and see manhattan.

And while he was, uh, off

Handing out leaflets
or chasing squirrels,

I would just stand
at the railing,

And i would look at the
beautiful apartment buildings

Across the river, and i-
I would imagine this great life

That i might have someday actually
living in one of them, you know,

With a great job as a fashion
designer for sergio valente

Or goin' to studio 54
every night.

God, i'm old.

But then i grew up,
and reality set in,

And the dream got put away.

And then i met you,

And i was-

I was happy in a whole...

New way i just-
I never imagined.

I mean, i was...

In that apartment, I mean, i guess
just dreams stick with you, because...

I just-I felt
like carrie again, you know,

little carrie finally having the
thing she wanted back then, and...

At the moment i should
have given it up, i-

I couldn't, you know,
because it was like...

I was taking something
away from her.

You know, does that
make any sense, doug?

Yeah.

It's funny
to hear you say that,

'Cause all these years,

Even when things
were good with us,

I just still sensed
there was something...

Pulling you
away from me,

You know, like this
little voice inside saying,

"Wanna be in manhattan.

I wanna be
in manhattan."

Plus, you said it
out loud a lot.

I di-I did.

I did hear that voice
every day.

And now i just hear her,
her voice saying...

Whatever chinese babies
say, and-

And I want her.

And i-I want you.

And i-I wish that we could just
put this all behind us, you know,

And just be a family.

I love you, Carrie.

I love you, too.

Oh, god.

No, he's gotta get up.
He's gotta get up.

Hi, Ming Mei.

Ming Mei Heffernan.

You know what?

It works.

Come on, honey.
We gotta go to the airport.

Just a second.

Mommy and I are gonna
take you back home to queens.

You're gonna love queens.

Queens has got
the new york mets.

It's got-

Well, not a lot else,
actually.

Used to have pastrami king,
but they shut that down.

Now it's a bookstore.

Tell you, the world
is a crazy place.

Ooh. She smiled at me.

Either that,
or she's poopin'.

Or maybe both.
Maybe she just really enjoys-

I'm pregnant.

Pooping.

What?

Yeah. I haven't felt
well since we landed,

And i bought
a pregnancy test

In the drug store
in the lobby,

And we're gonna
have a baby.

Well, what do we do
with this one?

I don't know.

I think i'm having
an anxiety attack.

C- Calm down.
A- Are you sure?

Yes, i am sure.

I mean, look.

Wh-What means pregnant,
the monkey or the dragon?

That's just decorative.

Look, it came out blue.
That means i'm pregnant.

It must have happened
in the apartment that night.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I thought the doctor said
you couldn't get pregnant.

No, she said we probably
couldn't. It happens all the time.

When couples don't think they can
get pregnant, they stop trying,

And then they adopt a baby and
- Oh, god.

Carrie, you have
to calm down.

I can't calm down, doug.

Yesterday i had
no husband, no baby,

And today i have a husband
and 2 babies, and i'm in china.

That's a lot of change
for one day.

What are we gonna do?

I- I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna
fly home today,

And we're gonna start
our new life as parents

Of 2 beautiful,
wonderful children...

With very
different-Shaped eyes.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

T- Trust me.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

Ming Mei.
Ming Mei.

It's ok.
Ohh.

It's all right, baby.
Calm down.

It's all right, baby.

All right.

No, i know-

There you go.
Good girl.

It didn't work out.