The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 8, Episode 7 - Inn Escapable - full transcript

I KNOW YOUR PLACE IS
A BED AND BREAKFAST,

BUT WHERE ARE WE AT
WITH THE OTHER MEALS?

INCLUDED? NOT INCLUDED?

AWESOME.

OH, I GOTTA GO.

MY WIFE'S COMING DOWN,

AND THIS TRIP IS
A SURPRISE FOR HER.

OK. BYE.

HEY! THERE SHE IS.

HEY.

OH, NO NEED.



I ALREADY POURED YOU A CUP
OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE.

AND GOT YOUR CEREAL OUT
READY TO GO.

GONNA HAVE A LITTLE
CEREAL THERE?

MMM, NAH.

REALLY? IT'S SPECIALLY
FORMULATED FOR WOMEN.

I'VE HAD TWO BOWLS,

AND ALREADY I'M
FEELING BLOATED

AND A LITTLE MOODY.

HA HA HA. COME ON.

FINE, I'LL HAVE
SOME CEREAL.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL YOUR HAVING?

LET ME TOP YOU OFF HERE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.



THAT'S OK,
IT'S GOOD CEREAL.

HEY, REALLY, STOP.

WHOA!

WHAT IS THAT?

THE SUGAR CREEK
BED AND BREAKFAST?

WHAT THE HELL
IS THIS?

YEP. PACK YOUR
BAGS, BABY,

'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND,
I AM TAKING YOU

TO A LITTLE,
QUAINT RUSTIC INN

BOASTING MOUNTAIN VIEWS

AND SCENIC WALKS ALONG
A ROMANTIC STREAM.

YOU PLANNED A SURPRISE
TRIP FOR US?

YEP.

AND IT'S NOT TO
COOPERSTOWN?

NOPE.

ACTUALLY,
IT'S NEAR COOPERSTOWN.

BUT WE'RE BLOWING
RIGHT PAST THAT.

OK, NO-THIS WEEKEND'S
ALL ABOUT

DOUG, CARRIE,

AND A LITTLE THING
I LIKE TO CALL LOVE.

HONEY, THAT
IS SO SWEET.

MMM!

THANK YOU!

THIS PLACE
LOOKS GREAT!

YEAH-THERE IS A LITTLE
BIT OF BAD NEWS.

SUGAR CREEK DOESN'T
ACTUALLY HAVE

ANY SUGAR IN IT.

I CHECKED.

WELL.

DOUGLAS. DARLING.

HEY, DAD, DOUG IS
TAKING ME UPSTATE

FOR THE WEEKEND.

OH, WONDERFUL.

I'LL DO MY BEST
NOT TO DIE

WHILE YOU SIP
PINA COLADAS

'NEATH THE SWAYING
PALM TREES.

EITHER WAY, DON'T CALL.

HMM.

DAD, COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE
THE HOUSE TO YOURSELF.

PLUS, A PERFECT CHANCE
TO DO TAl-CHI

IN YOUR SHORTY KIMONO.

ACTUALLY...

THERE'S A RATHER
FETCHING WIDOW I MET

AT THE SENIOR CENTER.

SHE WINKED AT ME

DURING THE PLEDGE
OF ALLEGIANCE.

OH.

YOU WANT TO
INVITE HER OVER?

FOR GOD'S SAKE,

YOUR MOTHER DIED
20 YEARS AGO!

WHEN WILL YOU
LET ME MOVE ON?!

HUH?! HUH?!

LOOK AT THIS!

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

WOW.

A LOT OF KITTY CATS.

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

MYRTLE-

WELCOME, WELCOME.

I'M BETTY CHAPIN,
INNKEEPER.

HI. CARRIE AND DOUG
HEFFERNAN.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE
YOU HAVE.

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S
SO DAINTY.

WELL, PEOPLE WERE
A LOT SMALLER

100 YEARS AGO.

YOU KNOW WHY?
NO ARBY'S.

ARBY'S! HA HA HA!

YOU GOTTA TELL THAT ONE
TO MY HUSBAND ED.

OK, SO LET'S GET
YOU TWO SIGNED IN.

OH, OK.

I'LL SIGN IN.

UH...

HOW DO I
DO THIS HERE?

I'M GUESSING IT'S-

OH. UH...

IT'S OVER RIGHT IN HERE.

EXCUSE ME-EXCUSE-

I JUST NEED YOU-
I JUST NEED YOU-

NOW, JUST...

CAN YOU-

DOUG HEFFER IS FINE.

THAT'S FINE. THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, YOU MUST BE TIRED
FROM YOUR LONG DRIVE,

SO LET'S GET YOU
UP TO YOUR ROOM.

OK.

I PUT YOU IN NUMBER 7.

I HOPE YOU LIKE
ANTIQUE DOLLS.

I DO, JUST AS LONG
AS THEIR EYES CLOSE.

PEOPLE WERE A LOT
SMALLER A LONG TIME AGO.

HERE WE ARE.

HUH? HUH?!

OH, IT'S ADORABLE.

OH, LOOK! A FIREPLACE!

ACTUALLY, WE HAD
TO SEAL THAT UP.

THE SQUIRRELS WOULD
CRAWL IN THERE

AND GET TRAPPED
IN THE FLUE

AND THEN, WELL...

BASICALLY, LIQUEFY.

HERE'S YOUR BATHROOM.

NOW, I MADE SURE YOU
HAD PLENTY OF TOWELS.

AND IF YOU
NEED ANYTHING,

I WOULD-

OH!

ED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOLD YOU
WE HAD GUESTS COMING.

WELL, THEY'RE EARLY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST USE
THE SHOWER DOWNSTAIRS?

YOU KNOW THAT
DOCTOR TOLD ME

I'M SUPPOSED
TO SOAK IT.

WELL, JUST GET OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

MMM.

ED SEEMED NICE.

MM-HMM.

AND CLEAN.

YES.
YEAH.

SORRY
ABOUT THAT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THAT'S MY HUSBAND ED. AH!

WELL, ANYHOO,

DINNER'S AT 5:00,

AND THEN OUT COME
THE BOARD GAMES.

I HOPE YOU TWO
AREN'T SHY,

BECAUSE ED AND ME

PLAY A MEAN GAME
OF BALDERDASH.

BALDERDASH.

THAT WASN'T EVEN
IN THE BROCHURE.

YOU DO LIKE IT HERE,
RIGHT?

YEAH.

IT'S FINE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOVE YOU FOR
THINKING OF IT.

NOTHING I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE.

THEN GENERAL PATTON
TURNED TO ME AND SAID,

"THAT'S THE BEST DAMN
CUP OF COFFEE I EVER HAD.

NOW, LET'S WIN THIS WAR."

OH, ARTHUR.

I MEAN, WHAT AN
- WHAT AN AMAZING LIFE YOU'VE LED.

I GO WHERE
THE STARS NEED ME.

NOW, LET ME FRESHEN
YOUR GRASSHOPPER.

OH.

WOULD YOU
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT?

HEY, ARTHUR...

HEY!

WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON
IN THERE, MY MAN?

I BOUGHT HER DINNER.

I'M GETTING HER
LIQUORED UP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS GOING ON?

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GET OUT
OF YOUR HAIR.

LOOK, CARRIE SAID
YOU NEEDED SOME MILK,

SO...
FINE.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY...

PLAY ON, PLAYER.

WHO WAS THAT?

A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.

NOW THEY GIVE YOU MILK.

LIKE THAT'S GONNA
TURN ME AROUND.

ARTHUR, IT'S-
IT'S GETTING LATE.

I THINK I SHOULD BE GOING.

NO, NO.

I WANT YOU TO HEAR
ROBERT MITCHUM

"SINGS CALYPSO."

IT'S POSITIVELY SAVAGE.

OH.

BUT WON'T YOUR CHILDREN
BE HOME SOON?

WHAT?

CHILDREN?

I LIVE ALONE.

OH, WELL, J-

JOSEPHINE TOLD ME
THAT, UM...

THAT THIS HOUSE
BELONGS TO

YOUR DAUGHTER
AND SON-IN-LAW.

JOSEPHINE
ALSO THINKS

HER FISH STICKS
TALK TO HER.

HA HA.

NO, NO. I-
I LIVE ALONE.

OH, WELL, I THINK
I SHOULD BE GOING.

UH, UH-

PLEASE, ANNETTE,

IT GETS SO LONELY

IN THIS BIG,
COMPLETELY-PAID-OFF HOUSE.

AND...

YOUR LAUGHTER HAS
MADE IT COME ALIVE.

I DON'T WANT
THAT TO END.

OH, WELL...

THERE IS A...

MIDNIGHT BUS.

SO, WHEN ARE THE REST OF
THE GUESTS COMING DOWN?

OH, YOU TWO
ARE IT.

FOR THE WHOLE
WEEKEND?

MM-HMM.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN
LIKE THIS

EVER SINCE THEY OPENED
THAT DAMN HYATT.

THERE'S A HYATT?

YEAH, RIGHT OVER THERE

ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE WOODS.

IT'S A DISGRACE.

THEY EVEN TORE DOWN
THE SMELTING PLANT

JUST TO ADD
A LUXURY SPA.

A SPA?

WHAT'S UP?

MARMALADE REALLY
LIKES YOU, DOUG.

HE DOES?

IS THERE AN AREA
WHERE HE EATS?

OR, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW WHY MARMALADE
LIKES HIM SO MUCH,

DON'T YOU?

WHO DOES DOUG
LOOK JUST LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YES, YOU DO.

DOUG IS
THE SPITTING IMAGE

OF ED JUNIOR.

WELL, THAT'S
OUR SON.

DOES ED JUNIOR HAVE
THE SAME APPETITE

THIS ONE'S GOT?

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT
ED JUNIOR.

OK.

WHEN HE WALKED OUT
OF HERE 12 YEARS AGO,

WE STOPPED HAVING A SON.

ED!

BETTY.
ED!

BETTY!

WHAT'S UP WITH
THAT LAST DRUMSTICK?

OH.

COMING RIGHT UP.

IT'S NOT TOO DRY THEN?

OH,
IT'S DELICIOUS.

OH. I'M SO RELIEVED.

YOU KNOW, THIS TURKEY WAS
STILL FROZEN THIS MORNING.

SO, I HAD TO PUT IT
IN THE TUB UPSTAIRS

TO DEFROST.

UGH!

I AM STILL TASTING
THAT TURKEY.

I'M STILL TASTING ED.

WELL, WE...

WE SHOULD PROBABLY
HEAD DOWNSTAIRS.

WHAT?

WE GOT CHUTES AND LADDERS
IN 5 MINUTES.

CHUTES AND LADDERS?

DOUG, THE ONLY
LADDER I WANT TO SEE

IS THE ONE THAT'S GETTING
ME OUT THAT WINDOW.

OH, COME-

COME ON, SO WE HAD
A LITTLE TUB TURKEY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY
AND MOVE PAST IT.

WHAT ARE YOU-
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

YOU ACTUALLY WANT
TO STAY HERE?

I WANTED THIS WHOLE WEEKEND
TO BE GREAT FOR YOU.

AND IT CAN BE GREAT,
HONEY...

AT THE HYATT.

DOUG, IS THAT YOU?

YEAH, UH, FIRST OFF,

JUST, I WANT-
LOVE THAT PLACE!

AND WE LOVE HAVING YOU.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT...

YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA TELL YOU,

THE WAY BUSINESS
HAS BEEN,

ED AND ME THOUGHT

WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO
SHUT DOWN FOR SURE.

AND THEN GOD HAS SENT US
YOU AND CARRIE-

OUR TWO ANGELS...

GIVING US HOPE.

OK, come on.
She's sleeping.

Shh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Shh!

Oh.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!

I have a splinter
in a bad place.

Crap!

Their stupid truck
is blocking us.

HUH?!

SOMEBODY OUT THERE?!

Let's go.
Let's just go.

What about the car?

We'll get a new one.

How far
is this place?

I don't know.

Just a little
further this way.

How much farther?

I don't know.

Would you just
stop talking?

What is wrong with you?

SERIOUSLY,
I NEED TWEEZERS

AND A SMALL MIRROR.

DOUG, COME ON.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

I SEE LIGHTS
FROM THE HOTEL.

COME ON.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

MARMALADE!

THAT FREAKING CAT
FOLLOWED YOU!

HE THINKS I'M ED JUNIOR.

MARMALADE!

MARMALADE!

OK, COME ON,
LET'S GO.

Oh, crap!

OOF.

I'M OK.

CARRIE!

MARMALADE!

DOUG?

FOUND HER.

NICE GOING!

YOU JUST EARNED YOURSELF
A TURKEY SANDWICH.

OH, GOOD MORNING,
ARTHUR.

OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE?

I'M MAKING YOU
SOME EGG BEATERS.

HOW THOUGHTFUL.

NOW, LET ME
RETURN THE FAVOR

BY ESCORTING YOU
TO THE BUS.

OH, I'M...

I'M IN NO RUSH.

ANNETTE, NO ONE
LOOKS FORWARD TO

THE WALK OF SHAME,

BUT THE SOONER,
THE BETTER.

OH.

ARTHUR, I WAS
THINKING ABOUT

WHAT YOU ASKED ME
TO DO LAST NIGHT.

AGAIN...

IT WAS MERELY
A SUGGESTION.

WE DID FINE WITHOUT IT.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHEN YOU-WHEN YOU SAID
HOW LONELY YOU ARE

IN THIS BIG HOUSE,

AND YOU NEVER WANTED
ME TO LEAVE.

OH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
THE CREME DE MENTHE TALKING.

WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS...

YES.

I'LL MOVE IN
WITH YOU.

I...

I- I...

I'M OVERWHELMED.

LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING, DOUG?

OH.

UH, NO, JUST...

CHECKING OUT
YOUR LAWN DWARVES.

UH...

WE WERE THINKING
OF GETTING SOME.

YOU HAPPY WITH 'EM?

I GUESS.

HERE'S YOUR TOAST,
DOUG.

OH, GREAT.

NOW, ARE YOU SURE
I CAN'T INTEREST YOU

IN A NICE TURKEY OMELET?

NO, I'M STICKING
WITH THE TOAST.

THANKS.

MR. BOOTS,
FOR THE LAST TIME,

STAY OUT OF THE BUTTER!

OH.

SO...

CARRIE STILL HASN'T
COME DOWN YET?

UM, YEAH, SHE'S
UH, YOU KNOW,

PUTTING ON HER FACE.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG
THAT TAKES.

HA HA.

WISH THIS ONE WOULD TAKE
A LITTLE MORE TIME.

SHE JUST ROLLS ON DOWN
LOOKING LIKE HELL.

GOOD MORNING!

HI.

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE UPSTAIRS, DEAR.

OH, UH...

YEAH, I JUST-
I GOT UP EARLY,

AND JUST WENT
FOR A WALK.

WELL, YOU'RE JUST
IN TIME FOR BREAKFAST.

OH, I JUST-
I ALREADY HAD BREAKFAST.

I, UH,
I PICKED SOME...

SOME BERRIES.

WOULD YOU GUYS
EXCUSE ME...

PLEASE?

WHY CAN'T YOU
DRESS LIKE THAT

TO PICK BERRIES?

OK.

WE CAN TEAR
THE WALL OUT,

GIVE YOU GRANITE
COUNTERTOPS,

A TILE BACKSPLASH,

AND THE ISLAND YOU WANTED.

AND I THINK WE CAN DO IT
FOR UNDER 30,000.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
ARTHUR?

SOUNDS REASONABLE.

UH, PETE,

I WANT YOU TO COME LOOK
AT THE LIVING ROOM.

I'M THINKING WE SHOULD
GUT THE WHOLE THING...

WHAT'S THAT BIG TARP
DOING IN THE BACK YARD?

APPARENTLY, WE'RE
PUTTING IN A GAZEBO.

WHAT?!

OH, HELLO AGAIN!

YEAH, HI.

LOOK-

WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE?

ARTHUR, WHY DOES THIS MAN
KEEP COMING OVER?

TRUTH IS, HE'S MY
PAROLE OFFICER.

WHAT?

I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU
FOR WALKING AWAY RIGHT NOW.

OH, NO, ARTHUR.

EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE
A GOOD MAN AT HEART.

HE'S ALSO...

MY LOVER.

IS THIS TRUE?

YEAH, I COULDN'T
HELP MYSELF.

WELL, IT'S NOT IDEAL.

JUST TRY AND MAKE SURE

HE LEAVES THE HOUSE
BEFORE I GET HOME.

HEY, BABE, WHERE'S
THE BIG SUITCASE?

IT'S IN THE WOODS.

WHY'D YOU LEAVE IT
IN THE WOODS?!

WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME
IN THE WOODS?!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA CATCH UP.

I WAITED AND WAITED
FOR YOU AT THE HOTEL.

I WAS WORRIED SICK.

WAIT, WHAT'S THAT INK
ON YOUR HAND?

OH, UM...

A PEN EXPLODED
IN MY PURSE.

IT'S A STAMP.
IT SAYS "CLUB NEON."

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

OH, OH!

IT WAS A DISCO...

HA, IN THE HOTEL.

YOU WENT DANCING?!

WELL, DOUG,

ONCE I KNEW
YOU WEREN'T COMING,

WHAT DID YOU
WANT ME TO DO,

STAY IN THAT BIG SUITE
ALL BY MYSELF?

YOU-

YOU GOT A SUITE?!

FINE, YOU KNOW, YEAH.
YOU DESERVE A SUITE.

AFTER A TOUGH NIGHT
OF DANCING,

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO
BACK TO A REGULAR ROOM.

OH! HONEY,
COME ON.

WE CAN STILL HAVE
A GREAT WEEKEND.

OK, LOOK.

I'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND MAKE UP SOME
EXCUSE TO...

TO CAT LADY
AND TUB BOY

AND WE ARE OUT
OF THIS DUMP

AND INTO THE HYATT!

ALL RIGHT?

NO. NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GO TO YOUR
FANCY HOTEL.

I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE
WITH ED, BETTY,

AND MARMALADE.

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY LIKE
ME FOR WHO I AM,

NOT WHERE I CAN TAKE THEM.

THEY THINK...

I'M AN ANGEL.

OK, THERE'S A HAM
FLOATING IN THE BATHTUB.

OH, MY GOD.

ED.

I'M HOME, POP.