The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 8, Episode 23 - Acting Out - full transcript

Doug, just admit it.

Carrie, I was not crying, okay?

Come on, it was a sad
movie, it's okay to cry.

For the last time, I got
nacho sauce in my eye

and yeah, there were tears,
but they were snack-related.

Okay, 'cause I thought I saw
a different side of you

and it, uh, kind
of turned me on.

Oh, me crying turns you on.

Yes, that's right.

Tell you the truth, I
was actually thinking

of doing the, uh,
birthday thing for you.



Oh, yeah, okay, the
birthday thing.

Yeah, that's right.

But it doesn't really
matter now, does it?

Because you made it clear
that you were not crying.

Wait, Carrie, wait.

I was crying.

Oh, shut up.

No, I was, I mean...

When the baby penguin, you
know, died, after the parents

tried to save it through
the long winter...

I don't know, it just got to me.

It did.

You see, I knew you were crying.

How about the birthday thing?



Yeah, right.

Thank you guys so much
for having us over.

This is great.

Yeah, you two freaks can cook.

Well, I figured it was
time to reciprocate.

You guys have us
over all the time.

We actually don't have you over.

You just come.

Sometimes when we're not there.

We found stuff.

Well, uh, tonight is a
very special occasion.

It is?

Yeah.

This is may 15th, the
2 year anniversary

of when we moved in together.

Somebody's gettin'
lucky tonight.

Actually, I am.

I was kidding.

No, we made a deal, I
get the big bedroom.

Remember?

If after two years
we're too poor to move

and still have no girlfriends,

the big bedroom
reverts to Spence.

Well, we're still poor
and we're still single.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I'm not moving into
that mop closet.

No, I have it in writing.

Oh yeah, oh, okay,
well, now you don't.

That napkin is binding.

Yeah, well then don't eat it.

Hey, you are moving your
stuff out of my room.

No, I'm not.

Okay, you know what,
this is so typical.

You never give back money
when I loan it to you.

You never clean up after
yourself and now this?

I'm tired of it.

You know what I'm tired of?

Your big fat head.

Yeah, well, I'm
tired of your head.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary to you.

That ice cream cake we
brought needs to sit out.

Oh my God.

Dad, are you okay?
What happened?

He's okay, he just
inhaled a little smoke.

Smoke from what?

There was a small
fire in the basement.

But thank God nobody got hurt.

For what it's worth, I'd
say it's not a great idea

to have him making bacon next
to an open can of gasoline.

I told you not to
cook down there.

You banned me from the kitchen!

Okay, I swear, I'm gonna kill...

You know everybody, you
might want to look away

because I am going to kill him!

Honey.

No, I'm sick of it,
Carrie, I'm sick of him.

Doug, take it easy, he's
been through a lot.

Okay, Lou, please
stay out of this.

You would not want to
see me when I'm angry.

So my dad's gonna
sleep in the office.

The basement is kind of flooded.

Yeah, I know, I was
thinking we could turn

it into a wet-and-wild.

Doug, look, I know
you're a little upset.

A little upset, Carrie, we
could have lost everything

down there, everything!

Doug, listen to me.

No, okay, my baseball
card collection,

my cd's, my ab roller.

Doug, just shut up and listen
to me one second, okay?

What?

Look, I've been thinking
about this a lot and

I think it's time to do
something about my dad.

You want to do the pillow thing
we saw on law and order?

No.

I'm thinking that
maybe we should...

Find someplace else
for him to live.

Are you serious?

For the last 8 years, every
time he does something stupid

like steals money
out of your wallet

or throws the remote
control across the room

because he said Matt
lauer stole his haircut,

I've always defended him,
but it's not fair to you.

It's not fair to us.

It isn't fair to us.

So, what do you want to do?

Well, I think tomorrow
maybe we should start

looking at some
retirement homes for him.

Or, how about right now.

Now look, we got one over
here in red meadows.

You know what, no
bells and whistles

but it really gets the job done.

Come, sit, sit, sit.

Now, this one here
is my favorite,

not to far away, it's pretty
much in our price range

and I'm tellin' you,
he's gonna like it.

Oh my God, my hands are shaking.

Doug, I don't know, the rooms
look so small and depressing.

You know what, you'll
never see it again.

Look, I didn't want to
have to go expensive

but if we gotta do it,
that's what we gotta do.

Here we go, not a problem.

Hey, look how nice this one
is here, huh, look at them.

Look at them in the pool,
they gotta pool, look at

the old people,
they're aqua-dancing.

Hey, man.

All right, very funny,
where's all my stuff?

Uh, I moved it into your room.

This is my room.

I don't think so, unless,
uh, this is your

warriors of grun poster,
starring one Tony Danza.

Okay, what do you
think, I'm an idiot?

I'll just move everything back.

Let me get out of your way.

You bolted everything down.

Yeah, and one of my things
has an electric current

running through it, I'll let
you find that for yourself.

Flat screen will go
right there, right?

Air hockey table over here
with, like, a hot dog cart.

And how about this,
I'm just thinkin',

one of those chairs that takes
me up and down the stairs, huh?

Fun now, necessary later.

So does Arthur know he's
getting the boot yet?

Yeah, we broke it to him
last night at sizzler.

How'd it go?

Not as well as we thought.

He held his breath a couple
minutes and he bit a waiter.

Okay, well anyway, is
anything valuable in here?

It's all soaked.

I don't know, why don't
you just open it up.

Man.

What the hell is this stuff?

It's playbills.

Fiddler on the roof?

The iceman cometh?

Is that Arthur?

Yeah, looks like him.

Hey, I didn't know
he was an actor.

Neither did I.

Well, we had a bomb scare
in the Bronx yesterday.

But it turned out
to be a cantaloupe.

Requesting permission to
have a glass of water.

Arthur, you don't need to ask
permission about everything.

Of course I do, I'm a
guest in your house.

At least until you throw
me out into the street.

Hey, what is this stuff?

Where did you get that?

Down in the basement.

Yes, locked up in my trunk.

How dare you go through
my private things!

You go through my
stuff all the time.

That is a lie!

Arthur, yesterday I caught
you eating my chap stick.

Now what is this?

Look, you were in TV shows
and in Broadway plays.

You got pay stubs here for,
like, thousands of dollars.

What's going on?

It was always my dream
to be an actor.

I was a natural.

In fact, I was often compared

to a younger, shorter
Fred mcmurray.

What happened, why is there
a stubby Fred mcmurray

living in my basement?

The sixties happened, it
was a time of free love.

One evening, I met a
gorgeous young dancer.

We had a wild night, Douglas.

In the bed, in the shower, we
destroyed a beanbag chair.

Back to the acting.

Anyway, nine months later...

Carrie was born.

I never acted again.

Why not?

Because in the performing arts
you never know when you're

working, where you're working.

That's no way to raise a child.

So you just...

You stopped, I mean you
just gave up your dream?

All for Carrie?

Yes, I decided to
become a 9-to-5 Charlie

and give her the stable
life she deserved.

But you've never held a job
for more than a month.

I didn't say it worked out.

I'm home.

Does she know about this?

No, and promise me
she never will.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, this is real mature.

Yeah, well, I'm not the one
who bolted my pottery wheel

to the floor.

You know what, I'm not leaving.

In fact...

I'm never leaving.

Well, neither am I, and f.Y.I.,

I have 9 sick days and I'm
not afraid to use 'em.

I'll quit my job.

I'm about to be replaced by a
Metro card machine anyway.

Hey!

There's the man I love.

Whoa, I guess somebody
hit Margarita madness

on the way home, huh?

No, but I did hit happy hour

at the north shore
retirement village.

Whoa, sounds
rockin', how was it?

Oh my God, Doug,
he's gonna love it.

I mean, they have ping-pong,
crafts, and every Friday

is make your own sundae
and movie night.

Maybe we should
move in there and

give him the house.

I know, right?

Anyway, I filled
out the paperwork.

He has orientation on
Saturday, he moves

in on Sunday and then you
got your basement back.

Yeah, I'm gonna throw
something out at you.

Little bit of a curveball.

What are you talking about?

I see you got your game face on.

You're taking your lemons

and you're trying
to making lemonade.

But you don't have to, Carrie.

Look, you're my wife and
I know he's your dad.

If you want him
here, he can stay.

Now come on, bring it in.

Ow!

What are you doin' to me here?

What are you talking about?

This has been the hardest
decision for me to make, Doug.

I finally convinced
myself that putting

my dad in a retirement home was
the best thing for everybody.

Now your sittin' here
talking about lemonade?

I'm just saying I realized
that, you know what,

I don't mind having him around.

Oh, really you don't mind it?

You were swinging a rake
at him the other day.

That's how we play, okay?

Oh, come on.

I'm just saying, Carrie,
he's not such a bad guy.

And I just, I got a feeling
he's done some pretty nice

things in his life for you.

Oh, really? Name one.

That's what I thought.

Arthur, what are you
still doing up?

Uh, I couldn't sleep.

Can I interest you in
some of your scotch?

Listen, I want to tell Carrie
about the acting thing.

Absolutely not.

Listen, I think if she
knows about it, you know,

she may change her mind and you could...
stay here.

So you're saying
you want me here?

No, I don't want you here, no.

I'm used to the noise,
you know, so, uh,

can I tell Carrie?

Douglas, I've done a lot
of things in my life

I'm not proud of.

I've written thousands
of bogus checks.

I started forest fires.

I sucker punched a lady cop.

But the one good thing
I've done in my life

is to not let her
know about this.

And when I get to those pearly
gates that's all I got.

I'm just saying, look, I'm
gonna take out a loan.

And I'm gonna turn that
basement into my media room.

So I'm just sayin', look,
this is your last chance.

Douglas, pull the trigger
on that media room.

You sure that's what you want?

What I want is that you and
Carrie have a wonderful life

because you deserve it.

Thanks, Arthur.

You know what?

I don't think you're
gonna have any trouble

getting into those pearly gates.

Thank you, Douglas.

Want to see me in a
prell commercial?

Let her rip.

And this is our rec room,

where the residents have a
full range of activities.

They've got cards,
and board games

and penny bingo.

Oh, that sounds like
fun, right, dad?

Uh-huh.

Now, why don't I show you the
rooms that are available.

Dad, come on.

What are you doing?

Ah, listening to music.

Can you turn it down?
I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah, well, this whole thing
could have been over with

if you just moved all your crap
back to where it belonged.

No way.

Now come on, I gotta
get up early for work.

That's if I was going.

Fine, you big baby.

What's all this junk
all over the ceiling?

Duh, it's the universe, genius.

Those are glow in
the dark stickers.

I know, I know.

And that's the big
Dipper right over there.

No, that's Orion's belt.

Have you ever been
to a planetarium?

The big Dipper's way over there.

What, that thing?

No, that's cassiopeia.

The big Dipper's right
there, see the handle?

Oh, yeah.

Wow, you sure know a
lot about this stuff.

Hey, when you're
in the 10th grade

"and you're 4'10" and
still hairless,

this is...

This is something to
do on a Friday night.

So I want the projection
TV with the 6-foot screen

and the, uh, deluxe
surround sound.

What size speakers
were you thinking?

Let's put it this way.

I don't want the sound
just to surround me,

I want it in me.

I'll put you down for
the bronco package.

All right, bronco.

Hey, art attack.

Douglas, can we talk for a sec?

Yeah.

Remember how you
wanted to tell Carrie

about my giving up
my dream for her?

Yeah.

Well, you can pull
the trigger on that.

What?

Yeah, that retirement home is
death, I don't want to go.

But, Arthur, it's too late.

You already told me to pull the
trigger on the media room.

I'm changing my mind.

But you said it was
the one good thing

you did in your life, and
it was gonna get you

through the pearly gates.

Let's not kid ourselves,
I'm going to hell

and you know it!

Now pull the trigger.

Arthur, you are making me crazy.

These last few days, you're
going, you're staying.

Let me tell you something.

Carrie is fine with you goin',
I'm fine with you goin'.

So you better get fine
with it, you got it?

So we'll put a pin in it?

All right, Doug, we're leaving.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna
pull the car around.

You guys say your
goodbyes, okay?

Well, uh, good luck, Arthur.

Thank you.

And what can I say, except...

I hope you die, you fat pig.

And to this day...

My dad still hasn't forgiven
me for quitting the saxophone.

I mean, he couldn't
grasp the fact that

I had asthma and that every
time I played a song

I put my life on the line.

Well, at least your
dad stuck around.

I mean, I've always
wondered, like,

if I'd been taller
or better at sports,

maybe he would have stayed.

Hey, do not blame
yourself, he left you.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh my God, the sun's coming up.

Wow, we've been
talkin' all night.

Hey, you know what?

You can have this room.

Really?

Yep.

I made a promise to
you on that napkin

and I'm gonna stick to it.

I'm not going to be
like your father.

Hey, wait wait wait.

Maybe you don't
have to move out.

What do you mean?

If we shared a vanity we could

fit all our stuff in here.

Really?

Yeah, and we could
turn the other bedroom

into a sitting room.

I like sitting.

Yeah, and you know
what, we could put

a fold-out couch
in there so if one

of us has a girl over

the other guy has
a place to crash.

Yeah, might get more use out
of a foosball table, but...

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, honey, I'm down here!

Hey, I have a great
night set up for us.

I have your favorite movies,
porky's, and pork rinds.

Huh, just you and
me in our house.

Honey, I gotta tell you,
the room looks great.

I mean, I really didn't think
all this stuff was gonna work

like this carpet, the
black and burgundy thing.

A little Danny terrio but
it does work in here.

And that jets helmet is...

I can't do this, Doug.

I'm sorry, I tried, but I...

I want him back.

Please.

I promise, I will wash
him, I will feed him.

You won't even know
that he's here, I prom-

dad.

There she is!

Hi, welcome back.

Oh, I'm so glad you're back.

Thank you, it's good being back.

Although I'm not loving
the color scheme.

This bronco package
is marvelous!