The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 8, Episode 10 - Raygin' Bulls - full transcript

DARLING, HAVE YOU SEEN
MY PASSPORT?

I'M LEAVING SOON, AND
I REALLY SHOULD HAVE IT.

DAD, YOU'RE GOIN'
TO NEW JERSEY.

STILL, BORDER CROSSINGS ARE
NOTHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

I'M AFRAID I LEARNED
THAT THE HARD WAY.

I THINK IT'S SWEET THAT YOU
VISIT MOM'S GRAVE EVERY YEAR.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS.

I KNOW, AND IT'S
A SHAME SHE NEVER SAW

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG
WOMAN YOU'VE BECOME.

THANK YOU, DAD.

AS ALWAYS, I'LL SEND HER
YOUR WARMEST REGARDS.



YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I THINK I'M GONNA-

I'M GONNA COME
WITH YOU THIS TIME.

WHY? YOU-YOU-
YOU NEVER COME.

I KNOW. WELL, I WAS
A TEENAGER WHEN SHE DIED,

AND I THINK I WAS ANGRY AT HER
FOR LEAVING ME WITHOUT A MOTHER,

ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAD
TO GO BRA SHOPPING WITH YOU.

IN RETROSPECT,
I SHOULD'VE LET YOU

GO INTO THE DRESSING
ROOM BY YOURSELF.

ANYWAY, I'LL SEE YOU
ON MONDAY.

DAD, I SAID I'M GONNA
COME WITH YOU.

YOU CAN'T!

WHY NOT?

I, UH...

I'M STAYING WITH
YOUR UNCLE CHESTER,



AND HE LIKES TO WALK
AROUND IN THE NUDE.

I WON'T HAVE YOU
SEE THAT AGAIN!

THEN WE'LL STAY
IN A MOTEL.

JUST GIVE ME A HALF HOUR
TO GET PACKED.

HEY, BABE, LISTEN,

I'M GOING UP TO NEW
JERSEY WITH MY FATHER

TO VISIT MY MOM'S GRAVE
FOR THE WEEKEND.

YOU'RE GONNA BE GONE
THE WHOLE WEEKEND?

ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND
YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME?

OF COURSE I'M GONNA
MISS YOU. I AM. OK?

WHICH ONE OF THESE
GOES BETTER WITH STEAK-UMS?

UM, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'M REALLY INTRIGUED BY THESE
"FLAMIN' HOT" ONES,

BUT I HEAR IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE
BAG, YOUR TONGUE GETS SWOLLEN.

MY MANAGER JUST TOLD ME
TO STACK THE BEAN DIP.

HEY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
GET 'EM BOTH, SO WHY THE DANCE?

RAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

HEY, MAN! WHAT'S IT BEEN,
LIKE, 2 YEARS?

AT LEAST.
YEAH.

WHAT DO WE DO? DO WE SHAKE?
YOU DON'T HUG, RIGHT?

I DO. WITH SOME PEOPLE,
I DO. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. COOL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO EATS, MAN.

WHAT DO YOU GOT
GOIN' ON HERE?

UH, A LOG OF SALAMI,
CHIPS, AND CHEESE.

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT BUYIN' INTO
THE WHOLE CHOLESTEROL THING, HUH?

OH, I'M BUYIN' INTO IT.

I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW
HIGH I CAN GET THE NUMBERS.

SO, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN UP TO?

NOTHIN'. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
DOIN' THE FLOORS AT MY HOUSE,

SO DEBRA TOOK THE KIDS
TO CONNECTICUT,

AND I'M SLEEPIN'
AT MY MOM'S.

OH, MY GOD.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

YEAH. WELL,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE I WOKE UP COVERED
IN VICKS VAPORUB.

YEAH, I HEAR THAT.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

CARRIE'S OUT WITH HER
DAD THIS WHOLE WEEKEND.

SHE'S GONE. WHY DON'T YOU
JUST CRASH AT MY PLACE?

IT'LL BE FUN.

YEAH?
YEAH!

THINK ABOUT IT. JUST ME AND YOU, RIGHT?

NO SKIRTS GIVIN' US
THE YAP-YAP. HA HA!

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH. LET ME JUST ASK
MY MOM-TELL. I'M GONNA...

HEY, MA. MA, LISTEN,
A CHANGE OF PLANS.

I'M GONNA SLEEP AT
MY FRIEND DOUG'S HOUSE.

NO, THIS IS NOT MY WAY
OF TELLING YOU I'M GAY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I WOULD TELL YOU, MA.

ALL RIGHT. I'M HANGIN' UP.
I'M HANGIN' UP, MA.

THAT'S THE ANSWERING MACHINE.
WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.

OK.
YEAH. YEAH.

IT'S THIS WAY,
JUST PAST ETHEL MERMAN.

YOUR MOTHER IS LAID TO REST
AMONG BROADWAY ROYALTY.

DAD, THAT SAYS
"ETHEL MELMAN."

WAIT, WAIT.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
YOUR MOTHER IN 20 YEARS.

I WANT HER GRAVE
TO LOOK SHIP-SHAPE. OK?

SOPHIA,
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD A LITTLE DISPUTE
WITH A TOLL TAKER

OVER THEIR
"NO PENNIES" POLICY.

MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.

I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE.

I BROUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER
TO SEE YOU.

HI, MOM.

SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME
SO LONG TO GET HERE,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I LOVE YOU.

GOOD STUFF.
NOW, LET'S GO.

DAD, COULD YOU
GIVE ME A MINUTE?

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
STONE, DAD.

THANK YOU.

"SOPHIA SPOONER,
BELOVED WIFE OF ARTHUR,

DEVOTED MOTHER TO... "

THE FLOWERS ARE
COVERING MY NAME.

NOT EVERYTHING'S
ABOUT YOU. LET'S GO!

THIS PLACE GIVE ME
THE CREEPS!

"DEVOTED MOTHER TO...

SIMONE?"

I NEVER NOTICED THAT.

MUST BE A TYPO.
SHALL WE?

DAD, WHAT-
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

WHY ISN'T MY NAME
THERE?

IT'S A LONG STORY,
DARLING.

YOU REMEMBER
YOUR COUSIN SIMONE?

COUSIN SIMONE
IS MY SISTER?

NO, NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE SIMONE.

UP TO YOU.

ARE YOU ALMOST DONE,
DADDY?

UH, NO, SIMONE.
DADDY'S STILL PLAYING.

ARE YOU WINNING?

IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I'M DOWN $600.

OY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY
WITH YOUR COUSIN CARRIE?

OK.

WELL, IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, CHESTER.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA RAISE YOU
ANOTHER 50.

I DON'T HAVE
THAT MUCH LEFT.

HEY, YOU'RE THE BIG SHOT WHO WANTED
TO PLAY FOR HIGH STAKES, ARTHUR.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. UH...

HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU
THIS WRISTWATCH

AND THE SPARE KEY
TO MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, HUH?

NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA
CUT IT, ARTHUR.

BUT YOU DO HAVE
SOMETHING I WANT.

WHAT?

YOUR DAUGHTER'S NAME.

YOU WANNA PLAY FOR "SIMONE"?!

YOU KNEW WE WANTED THAT
NAME FOR OUR LITTLE GIRL!

YOU STOLE IT FROM US!

WELL, THE PREMATURE BIRD
GETS THE WORM!

ARE YOU IN,
OR YOU OUT?

YOU LOST MY NAME
IN A POKER GAME?!

I HAD A STRAIGHT
TO THE ACE.

THAT HE PULLED A FLUSH
IS UNHEARD OF!

HA! I LOVE
THE WALLPAPER GUY, MAN.

ALWAYS YELLIN'
AT THE PLUMBER.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE COOL
IF THEY HAD A NAIL-GUN FIGHT.

THAT PLUMBER WOULD
BEAT HIM SENSELESS.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WALLPAPER GUY'S TOUGH.

YEAH, BUT THAT PLUMBER,
HE'S GOT, LIKE, CRAZY EYES.

YOU KNOW,
HE'S LIKE THIS.

UH-HA HA. EASY.
YEAH, TAKE-

NOW LET'S PUT THAT
CHEERLEADING THING BACK ON.

IT'S OVER.
MIDLAND, TEXAS WON.

WHAT?! OH, SEE? THAT'S
WHY I STOPPED BETTIN'.

IT'S ALL FIXED.

UH...

I GOTTA SAY, MAN, THIS
IS... THIS IS PRETTY LAME.

WHAT?

WELL...
LOOK AT US.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
UHH.

OUR WIVES
ARE OUT OF TOWN,

AND THIS IS THE BEST
WE COME UP WITH?

YOU WANT ME
TO GO HOME?

NO! NO. LET'S JUST-

LET'S SHAKE IT UP
A LITTLE BIT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU WANNA GET A PIZZA?

NO!

YES, I DO, BUT NOT-
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

WELL, WHAT?

I JUS-

BEFORE I WAS
WITH CARRIE,

I... I USED-I DID
WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO.

YOU KNOW? I WAS
LIKE A WILD BULL.

YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

YEAH.

LET'S DO THAT
TONIGHT. LET'S...

LET'S BE WILD BULLS.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.
I CAN DO WILD BULL.

WHAT... WHAT... WHAT
DO WILD BULLS DO?

WELL... CARRIE DOESN'T
LIKE IT WHEN I MAKE A MESS,

BUT YOU CAN'T TELL A
BULL NOT TO MAKE A MESS!

YEEEAAAHHH!

OOOWWWW!

W- WE GOT
ANY MORE CHEETOS?

NO. I SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE
MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUTTA THIS.

DAD... IF IT'S NOT
SUCH A BIG DEAL,

THEN WHY DID MOM HAVE YOU
PUT "SIMONE" ON HER TOMBSTONE?

SHE NEVER FORGAVE ME
FOR LOSING IT.

EVEN IN DEATH,
SHE WAS PETTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? I HAVE
PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAZINESS

MY WHOLE LIFE.

YOU HAVE RUINED RELATIONSHIPS
FOR ME, COST ME JOBS.

YOU EVEN SPENT
MY COLLEGE TUITION

ON BUYING THE RIGHTS
TO THE LOU RAWLS STORY.

THAT STORY NEEDS TO BE
TOLD, AND IT WILL BE!

OHHH...

DARLING...
IT'S JUST A NAME.

DAD, IT IS NOT
JUST A NAME. OK?

IT'S IMPORTANT. IT-
IT DEFINES WHO YOU ARE,

HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU.

I MEAN, IF I'D
BEEN SIMONE, I...

MAYBE I WOULD'VE HAD A
WHOLE, DIFFERENT, BETTER LIFE.

BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW,
WILL WE?

THE MAN DREW A FLUSH.
OHHH!

HEY, THE CAR SHOW'S
IN TOWN.

NAH.

OOH! STUTTERIN' JOHN'S IN RENT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

HEY, WE COULD GO SEE
THAT PENGUIN MOVIE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S
GOTTA BE SOMETHIN' WE CAN DO.

CHECK THIS OUT.

WHY DON'T WE PARTY WITH THE BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE AT THE LIGHTNING LOUNGE?

HEY, HEY, WHAT WAS
WRONG WITH ROCK AND BOWL?

"FREE SHOE RENTAL."

WOULD-COME ON!

TONIGHT'S ABOUT TAKIN'
OUR MANHOOD BACK!

I SAY WE DO
THIS CLUB THING.

NO, NO. I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT GOIN' TO A CLUB.

COME ON. I MEAN,
WE-WE'RE MARRIED MEN.

WE'RE NOT GOIN' THERE
TO PICK UP WOMEN.

THIS IS A GUYS'
NIGHT OUT, MAN!

COME ON, WE'RE WILD
BULLS! NOW, LET'S DO THIS.

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.

ARE YOU GONNA GO LIKE
THAT? YOU'RE WEARIN' SWEATS.

OK, FIRST OF ALL,
THESE ARE EASY-FIT PANTS.

AND YOU SHOULD TALK.
YOU LOOK LIKE BOB VILA.

MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST GO HOME.

SIMONE! SIMONE!

YEAH! SIMONE!

SIMONE!

OVER HERE!

WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE!
SIMONE!

SIMONE! WE LOVE YOU!

OH, AND I LOVE YOU.

WHERE TO, MISS SIMONE?

UH... I GUESS
BRAD AND ANGELINA'S.

BUT I'M NOT SINGIN'.

VERY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I MAY BE
A TAD OUT OF LINE

SAYIN' THIS, BUT
YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY...

HEY, DOUG, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHIN'. WHAT'S UP?

WE LOOK PRETTY GOOD HERE, RIGHT?

I LOOK GREAT.
EXACTLY.

AND WE'RE SUCCESSFUL.
WE SMELL GOOD.

EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED,

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT
SOME OF THESE LADIES...

ARE GONNA THROW
THEMSELVES AT US.

OH, MY GOD. I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT. YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD COME UP

WITH SOME KIND
OF CODE WORD.

FOR WHAT?

IN CASE THINGS
GET OUTTA HAND.

OH. YOU-OH,
YOU MEAN LIKE IF...

THIS CHICK'S ALL OVER ME
OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT,

AND I NEED YOU
TO BAIL ME OUT?

I JUST SAY THE CODE WORD? EXACTLY.

OK. EXACTLY. WHAT DO YOU
WANT THE CODE WORD TO BE?

HOW ABOUT
"KETTLE CORN"?

"KETTLE CORN"?

YEAH. WHAT'S WRONG
WITH "KETTLE CORN"?

WELL, IT'S JUST-
IT'S NOT ORGANIC.

IT DOESN'T COME UP IN
A SENTENCE VERY OFTEN.

IT DOES FOR ME.

PEOPLE, YOU CANNOT
STAND HERE.

PLEASE MOVE INSIDE.

LET'S DO THIS.
WILD BULLS.

YES.

AHEM. HELLO.

HI. HELLO THERE. HELLO.

IT'S "KETTLE CORN," THOUGH,
RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S "KETTLE CORN."

OK. YEAH.
YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M GOIN' OUT.

IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHERE YOU GOIN'?

TO UNCLE CHESTER'S.

TO WIN YOUR NAME BACK.

OH, MY, THAT'S CRAZY.

YOU'RE HAPPY
WITH YOUR LIFE?

SCHLEPPING COFFEE
FOR SUITS BY DAY

AND FOLDING GIANT UNDERWEAR BY NIGHT?

'CAUSE AS LONG
AS YOU'RE CARRIE,

THAT'S ALL
YOU'RE GONNA GET.

DAD, COME ON.
JUST GO BACK TO BED.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

AS SIMONE, YOU COULD'VE
HAD A BETTER LIFE.

YOU COULD'VE BEEN AN
ASTRONAUT OR A... AN INVENTOR.

OR A MOVIE STAR?

YES.

I'LL CALL YOU A CAB.

AHH...

GUESS WE DIDN'T REALLY
NEED A CODE WORD, HUH?

YEAH, THAT'S
SURPRISIN'.

USUALLY THE SOUND
OF A GUY SUCKIN' ICE

DRIVES WOMEN WILD.

HEY, I PAID 15 BUCKS
FOR THIS DRINK. OK?

IF I WANT TO EAT THE
GLASS, I'LL DO THAT.

AND YOU WITH YOUR
UP-NODS AND SMILIN'.

LIKE THAT WAS WORKIN'.
"HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.

"LOOK AT MY RECEDING
GUMS.

"HEY, HORSE TEETH.
HORSE TEETH. HORSE TEETH.

BIG CHOPPERS."

YEAH, WELL...

I'M SURE NOBODY
SAW MY MOUTH

BECAUSE LUCKILY I'M
SITTIN' NEXT TO A GUY

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE ATE THE
GUY SITTIN' NEXT TO HIM.

MM-HMM. UH-HUH.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHIN', MAN.

IF I WAS SINGLE,
I WOULD STOMP YOU

IN THE CHICK DEPARTMENT. OHHH...

BOY. WHAT DO YOU-
YOU-YOU THINK

YOU GOT MORE GAME
THAN ME? REALLY?

I KNOW I DO.
OH, YEAH.

THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT IS FUNNY.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT A-
A LITTLE WAGER?

I'M IN.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS? $100,

FIRST ONE WHO GET
SOMEBODY TO DANCE WITH HIM.

LITERALLY THE EASIEST
HUNDRED BUCKS

I'VE EVER MADE IN MY
LIFE. YEAH? ALL RIGHT.

AHEM.
OK.

'SCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU, UH...

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO DANCE?

NO, THANKS.

HOW 'BOUT YOU?

YOU?

YOU.

HI. EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. WOULD
- NO.

WOUL-

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.

I HAVE MONEY,
AND I'M DYING. OK?

OH, MY GOD! THIS
IS TOTALLY MY SONG!

OH, MY GOD. IT'S TOTALLY MY SONG, TOO.

YOU WANT
TO DANCE?

AHEM. YOU'RE UP NOW.
I'M ON DECK.

SHE'S GREAT. SHE'S
SO GREAT. SHE'S GREAT.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU KNOW
WHERE THE BATHROOM IS?

YEAH. YEAH, I DO. IT'S
RIGHT UP THERE TO THE RIGHT.

YEAH. YEAH. IT'S OVER
THIS WAY. I'LL SHOW YOU.

YEAH.

HEY. PAY UP, MAN. PAY UP.

ALL RIGHT.
PAY UP.

FIRST OF ALL, DOES SHE EVEN
KNOW SHE'S DANCIN' WITH YOU?

OH. I THINK
SHE KNOWS.

YEAH.
OK?

SHE'S MAKIN' OUT
WITH THAT GUY.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I TOLD HER
TO. IT TURNS ME ON. OK?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
HERE'S THE RULE.

IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEONE
WHO'S NOT ALREADY DANCIN',

SOMEONE STARTING FROM A
STANDING OR NEUTRAL POSITION.

LET'S DO IT. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

UH...

OH, YEAH.

UM, WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME REAL
- REALLY QUICK?

OH, NO, THANKS.

HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU
50 BUCKS?

WHAT?
YEAH.

WHAT'S
GOIN' ON HERE?

NO, NO, NO.
NOTHIN'. NOTHIN'.

I JUST WANTED HER
TO DANCE WITH ME

JUST FOR ONE SECOND.

HE SAID HE'D
GIVE ME $50.

YOU THINK
SHE'S A HOOKER?

NO! NO, NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

FORGET ABOUT THAT.
FORGET ABOUT IT. HOW ABOUT

I GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS,
YOU DANCE WITH ME?

HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR ASS, OLD MAN?

KETTLE CORN!

SO?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S OK, DAD.

YOU TRIED. THAT'S
THE IMPORTANT THING.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW,
I LIKE MY LIFE.

HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND...

CRAZY DAD
WHO LOVES ME.

HMMHH.

I LIKE BEING CARRIE.

ABOUT THAT...

OH, MY GOD.

DID YOU LOSE
THE NAME "CARRIE"?!

I PREFER TO THINK OF IT

AS WINNING YOU
THE NAME "MIDGE."

HEY, I KETTLE-CORNED
YOU, MAN!

EXCUSE ME.

RAVEN AND I ARE WAITIN' FOR A SONG

TO DANCE TO.
YOU STUPID IDIOT.

WILL YOU HELP ME OUT?
THIS GUY'S GONNA KILL ME.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?

I HIT
ON HIS GIRLFRIEND...

AND THEN
KINDA ON HIM.

GIVE HIM A LITTLE ATTITUDE.
HE'LL BACK RIGHT DOWN.

WHASSUP, MAN? GET DOWN! STOP IT!

YOU'RE
MAKIN' IT WORSE!

YOU STOP, MAN.
THERE'S TWO OF US.

THERE'S ONE OF HIM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO,

RUN OUT OF HERE
LIKE LITTLE GIRLS?

CRAWL OUT
THE BATHROOM WINDOW?

YEAH! THAT-YES!
THE BATHROOM!

WOULD YOU STOP IT?

COME ON, NOW, MAN! YOU'RE
A WILD BULL, RIGHT?!

I'M 45,
AND I'M TREMBLING.

NO. COME ON, MAN.

WE'RE WILD BULLS.
YOU'RE A WILD BULL!

YEAH.
RIGHT?

YEAH. I'M A WILD BULL.
WILD BULL.

RIGHT! NOW, GIMME
SOME CRAZY EYES.

THAT KARATE'S
SOMETHIN' ELSE, HUH?

YEAH. IT'S BAD NEWS.

YEAH.

DID YOU FIND
YOUR TOOTH?

THEY TOLD ME
THEY'D CALL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
THAT GUY WAS ON PAROLE FOR?

WHATEVER IT WAS, HE'S GOTTA
ADD SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW.

SO, THE CODE WORD'S
"FIDDLE-FADDLE," RIGHT?

"FIDDLE-FADDLE."
RIGHT.