The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 6, Episode 11 - Santa Claustrophobia - full transcript

WELL, THAT WAS
AN INTERESTING WALK.

YES. UH, LISTEN,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MY SKIRMISH
WITH CUPCAKE,

BUT IN MY DEFENSE,

I DID SEE
THE TENNIS BALL FIRST.

WELL, HOPEFULLY YOU TWO
CAN START FRESH NEXT TIME.

WELL, THAT'S UP TO HIM.

OH, I HAVE TO PUSH BACK
OUR WALK ON THURSDAY.

I'M GOING TO SEARS
TO GET A PICTURE

OF ME AND THE DOGS
FOR MY CHRISTMAS CARD.

SEARS? I CAN DO IT
RIGHT HERE.



WELL, I KIND
OF LIKE SEARS

'CAUSE THEY GIVE YOU
THE LITTLE MINI ONES-

COME ON. IT'LL BE
MY HOLIDAY GIFT TO YOU.

WELL, I ALREADY
HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

BUT IT'S MY GIFT
TO YOU.

AND I APPRECIATE THAT-

IT'S MY GIFT!
OK. OK.

OHH!

THERE'S MY MAN!

OOH!

IT'S SO GOOD
TO HAVE YOU HOME!

ALL RIGHT. SETTLE DOWN.

JUST ME,
NOT THE SPARKLETTS GUY.

I'M SORRY. JUST BOUNCING
OFF THE WALLS HERE.



REALLY?

YEAH, WHEN YOU
DON'T HAVE A JOB,

YOU GET UP,

YOU THROW
ON YOUR SWEATS,

YOU EAT SOMETHING,
YOU SIT ON THE COUCH,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
IT'S TIME FOR BED.

THAT IS WORD FOR WORD
ONE OF MY TOP DREAMS.

COME ON, HONEY,
ENTERTAIN ME, ENTERTAIN ME.

ALL RIGHT,
I'D LIKE TO START OFF

WITH A PIECE CALLED
"HAVING DORITOS."

SERIOUSLY, HONEY,

SAY ONE OF THOSE
FUNNY THINGS YOU SAY.

WHAT DO YA GOT?

UH...

ARR, RAHR, RAHR!

RAHR!

OK, I REMEMBER YOU BEING
A LOT MORE INTERESTING.

LOOK, JUST GIVE ME
2 MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

WHY DON'T YOU READ
A MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING?

I READ EVERY MAGAZINE
IN THE HOUSE ALREADY.

WELL, HERE YOU GO,

READ
MY COMPANY NEWSLETTER,

I.P. YES. GO TO TOWN.

"SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP:

I.P.S. SWITCHES
BUBBLE WRAP SUPPLIERS."

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA READ THIS.

KIDS, I THINK WE SHOULD
NAIL DOWN A DATE

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS CARD
PHOTO SHOOT.

AND AS FAR
AS WARDROBE GOES,

I'M THINKIN' EVERYONE
IN DENIM SHIRTS AND JEANS.

AND I'M THINKING NO PICTURE
AND YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND GET LAST NIGHT'S
BROCCOLI OUT OF YOUR TEETH.

COME ON, DARLING,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

LET'S SHOW A LITTLE
FATHER-DAUGHTER HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

WHO KNOWS
HOW MANY CHRISTMASES

WE HAVE LEFT TOGETHER?

OHH.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR,
DADDY, OK?

FINE.

I WANNA WISH YOU BOTH
A MERRY CHRISTMAS IN HELL!

OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THIS.

4 DORITOS
GOT BAKED TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT
IT OR DONATE IT TO SCIENCE.

HUH.

WHAT?

YOUR DEPOT IS HIRING
PAYROLL ASSISTANTS

TO HANDLE
THE EXTRA HOLIDAY LOAD.

THEY NEED PEOPLE
WHO CAN TYPE AND DO PAYROLL.

I'VE DONE BOTH.

I SHOULD APPLY
FOR THIS, RIGHT?

NO,
I DON'T KNOW.

IT WOULD BE SO GREAT
TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

DURING THE DAY
AND MAKE A LITTLE MONEY.

YOU KNOW? AND I'D FEEL LIKE
I WAS PART OF THE WORLD AGAIN.

I'M GONNA GO E-MAIL
MY R?SUM? RIGHT NOW.

OH. IF IT'S COOL
WITH YOU,

BECAUSE I WOULD BE INVADING
ON YOUR TURF, YOU KNOW?

WHAT?
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

YEAH?

YEAH!

GREAT! THANKS, BABY!
OH, YEAH!

No!

SO SHE'S STANDING
ON THE CURB,

AND I'M GETTIN' HER PACKAGES
OUT OF THE TRUCK,

WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE
THIS CAR FLIES BY,

HITS THIS HUGE PUDDLE,

AND BAM!

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

ME AGAINST HER.

SHE'S WINNING,
BUT I'M HOLDING MY OWN.

SO, ANYWAY, SHE'S
JUST STANDING THERE,

AND SHE'S GOT SOME
GRADE-A SWEET POTATOES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO WHAT SHE DOES IS-
GUESS WHO?

HEY!

HI, HONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

I HEARD
SWEET POTATOES.

UH, YEAH.

WE WERE THINKING
ABOUT GETTIN' 'EM

FOR
THE VENDING MACHINE.

ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST, UH,

TELLING A STORY
ABOUT THIS FEMALE PERSON

ON MY ROUTE. SORRY.

OH, THAT'S OK. I KNOW
WHAT GUYS TALK ABOUT.

KEEP GOIN' LIKE
I WASN'T EVEN HERE.

WAS SHE HOT?

THAT'S OK.
OH, COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, WELL, UH,

THIS W-WOMAN
GOT SPLASHED BY A CAR

AND HER-HER SHIRT
KIND OF GOT WET.

THAT'S WHERE THE PREVIOUSLY
MENTIONED SWEET POTATOES COME IN.

SO I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"TAKE YOUR PACKAGE. I'M
NOT HERE FOR THE SHOW, LADY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT CRAP
YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PULL,

BUT I LOVE MY WIFE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

GOD.

GOOD ONE, HONEY.

ALL RIGHT, SNACK TIME.

HONEY, CAN I TELL YOU
HOW GOOD IT FEELS

TO BE BACK AT WORK?

I ALREADY HAVE
A BEST FRIEND UPSTAIRS

AND A GIRL
WE BOTH HATE.

GOOD FOR YOU.
YEAH.

SO, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA GET?

EH, I'M NOT SURE YET.

HEY, HOW 'BOUT THIS?

YOU PICK THE LETTER.

I PICK THE NUMBER.

LIVE DANGEROUSLY.

MMM, I DON'T THINK SO.

I CAN'T RISK ENDING UP
WITH A COMB FOR LUNCH.

I THINK
I'M GOIN' WITH FRITOS.

OH, DON'T GET THE FRITOS.
GET THE CHEETOS.

I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR THOSE.

UH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
FOR 70 CENTS,

YOU CAN GET
YOUR VERY OWN BAG.

I KNOW, BUT
I ONLY WANT A FEW.

COME ON, J-6, J-6, J-6,
J-6, J-6, J-6-

O- O-OK.

J-6.
YEAH!

HOW'S IT GOIN', STUD?

CARRIE?

HI, HONEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'
ON THE C.B.?

WANDA'S TEACHIN' ME HOW.
RIGHT, WANDA?

THAT'S RIGHT, DOUG.

WELL...

WE'RE ALL HERE, THEN.

SO, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

UH...

JUST DOIN' MY ROUTE.

OH, YOU SAY "ROWT"?
I SAY "ROOT."

AND YET
WE STILL MAKE IT WORK.

OK. GOTTA WRAP THIS UP.

GOT A PACKAGE THING
TO DO.

OK. BYE, HONEY!

BYE.
OH, WAIT!

SAY GOOD-BYE
TO WANDA.

BYE, WANDA.

BYE, DOUG.

OK, I NEED HERSHEY
IN A LITTLE TIGHTER.

CUPCAKE,

QUIT THE FUNNY BUSINESS.

THIS IS A FAMILY PICTURE.

AND THAT'S IT. NOW, HOLD IT.

NOW, JUST WAIT
FOR THE FLASH.

ARTHUR,

I HADN'T
PLANNED ON YOU

ACTUALLY BEING
IN THE PHOTO.

WHY NOT? IT'S A PICTURE
OF EVERYONE YOU WALK.

WELL. YEAH, BUT I'M
SENDING THESE TO MY CLIENTS,

AND I'M NOT SURE
THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND

THAT I WALK
A HUMAN BEING.

WHEN THEY SEE YOUR NAME
ON THE LIST,

I TELL THEM
YOU'RE A SCHNAUZER.

JUST SMILE.

ARTHUR, I DON'T THINK
I REALLY WANNA DO-

DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED!

NOW SMILE.

ONLY 80 MORE SECONDS.

OK. I'M GOING TO SEARS.

FINE, BUT IF
YOU'RE SO WORRIED

ABOUT YOUR PICTURE
BEING RUINED,

I'D WORRY ABOUT HIM!

BUSTER?

SOMETHING THAT UGLY
DOESN'T DESERVE A NAME.

ARE YOU SURE NORTHERN
BOULEVARD'S THE BEST WAY TO GO?

THERE'S SO MANY LIGHTS.

I THINK WE SHOULD CUT
THROUGH THE WALDBAUM'S

AND GO THROUGH
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU KNOW? AND THEN
WE'D AVOID ALL THAT.

LET'S TRY THAT
TOMORROW.

OKEYDOKE.

OHH!

AHH.

I AM BEAT. I'M GONNA
HEAD UPSTAIRS TO BED.

YEAH,
ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ACTUALLY,
I'M GONNA STAY DOWN

AND ACTUALLY WATCH
A LITTLE TELE-VIS-I-ON

FOR A WHILE.

OK, BABY.
OK.

OH, IS THAT
PATRICK SWAYZE?

HEY, MAN.

HAVE YOU SEEN CARRIE?

NO.

THANK GOD!

I GOTTA HIT THE MEN'S ROOM
WHERE I CAN GRAB 20 MINUTES ALONE

BEFORE WE DRIVE HOME
TONIGHT.

YEAH,
ABOUT ALL THAT TIME

YOU'RE SPENDING
IN THE BATHROOM...

THE OTHER DRIVERS ARE
GETTING A LITTLE CREEPED OUT

WALKING IN AND FINDING YOU IN
THAT FOLDING CHAIR BY THE URINALS.

I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S THE ONLY
WAY I CAN ESCAPE HER.

SHE'S EVERYWHERE!

DOUG?

OH, MY GOD!
COVER FOR ME!

HEY.
HEY.

YOU SEE
THE BIG GUY?

UH, I-I THINK HE'S
STILL OUT ON HIS ROUTE.

BUT HIS TRUCK'S
RIGHT THERE.

OH, HE-HE MUST BE
DELIVERING ON FOOT, THEN.

YOU GUYS DO THAT?

UH, WE LIKE TO MIX IT UP.

UH, THAT'S MY SNACK.
SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, THAT'S
MY LEAN POCKET.

NO, IT'S NOT.
YES, IT IS.

I NEED TO DO THIS.

AAH!

HEY, BABY.
HEY!

CALM DOWN.
IT'S JUST ME.

I KNOW. WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

OH, I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF YOU CAN STORE SOME STUFF

IN YOUR LOCKER FOR ME.

LIKE WHAT?
OH, JUST MY SWEATER

AND SOME
OF MY LADY PRODUCTS

AND A PICTURE OF ME

TO REMEMBER ME
WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

AND WHEN WILL THAT BE?!

WHAT?

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST...

EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY,

YOU KNOW? DRIVING TOGETHER,
CALLING ME IN THE TRUCK.

ALL NIGHT WITH ME, YOU,
AND PATRICK SWAYZE.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, DOUG, MAYBE I
WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD HERE, OK?

MAYBE I CALLED YOU
A LITTLE TOO MUCH

ON YOUR LITTLE RADIO THERE,

BUT I'M ONLY GONNA
BE HERE FOR 2 WEEKS!

YOU COULDN'T TAKE IT
FOR 2 WEEKS?

I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF!

YOU KNOW? BUT 2 WEEKS
CAN SEEM PRETTY LONG!

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
IF YOU'RE ON JURY DUTY

OR TRAPPED IN A MINE!

OH! OK, SO WORKING WITH ME

IS LIKE BEING
TRAPPED IN A MINE.

OK, WELL, I-

YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG?

I AM SO SORRY
THAT MY VERY PRESENCE HERE

HAS BEEN SO AWFUL FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S REALLY FUNNY,

BECAUSE FOR ME,

I LOVE SPENDING
THIS TIME TOGETHER.

I- I LOVE BEING HERE
WITH YOU. YOU KNOW?

I MEAN...

WATCHING YOU WORK HAS
ACTUALLY BEEN A TURN-ON FOR ME,

IF YOU COULD BELIEVE THAT.

REALLY?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, WATCHING
YOU LIFT ALL THOSE HEAVY BOXES

AND GETTIN' SWEATY
AND WORKIN' THE FORKLIFT.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
AT WORK, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE GOOD AT
WHAT YOU DO. IT'S SEXY.

IT IS?

YEAH, BUT
YOU HATE ME, SO...

WHAT'S THE POINT?

I-

I FEEL
LIKE AN IDIOT NOW.

WELL, YOU SHOULD.

LOOK,
I'M-I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
I JUST-

I JUST
GOT CARRIED AWAY.

SO YOU LIKE
THE FORKLIFT, HUH?

YEAH.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU RAISE
AND SWIVEL AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU KNOW, THAT BREAKS
EVERY SAFETY CODE, BUT...

IT'S MY SIGNATURE MOVE.

DO YOU, UH...

LIKE IT
WHEN I DO THIS HERE?

DO YOU LIKE THAT,
RIGHT HERE? HUH?

WE GET IT, DOUG.
YEAH.

GIVE IT A REST NOW.

HOW 'BOUT
THIS STUFF HERE?

OHH!

BUBBLES NO MATCH FOR ME!

LOOK, I'M-

I'M REALLY SORRY.
OK?

OK.

HAVE A GOOD DAY
AT WORK, TIGER.

MMM. I HATE
TO SEE YOU GO,

BUT I LOVE
TO WATCH YOU LEAVE.

WHAT'S UP
WITH YOU TWO NOW?

OH, JUST FOUND OUT
THERE'S A COUPLE OF PERKS

TO HAVIN' YOUR WIFE
AROUND AT WORK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MMM. I DON'T
LIKE TO HAVE SEX

IN A TRUCK AND TELL.

OH, WAIT. I GUESS I DO.

NICE.
YAHTZEE!

DOUG AND CARRIE,

BACK OF HIS TRUCK.

TURNIN' THIS PLACE
INTO I.P. "OH, YES."

THAT'S THE STORY, DUKE.

AND BY THE WAY,
HE PUNCHED OUT AFTER.

ROCKIN' ON THE CLOCK.

NOW, THAT'S
THE WAY TO DO IT.

I HEARD IT WAS
SURPRISINGLY TENDER.

I THINK IT'S
PRETTY INAPPROPRIATE.

AREN'T THEY MARRIED?

YEAH.
STILL, IN A TRUCK?

YEAH, GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHY ARE TEMPS
ALWAYS SO SLUTTY?

SPENCE, MY GOOD MAN!

YEAH, I'M HERE. UM...

WHY DID YOU WANT ME
TO WEAR A GREEN TURTLENECK?

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS CARD,
OF COURSE.

COME AGAIN?

A SIMPLE SNAPSHOT.

YOU OFFER ME THESE
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,

AND I REACT WITH DELIGHT,
THUSLY:

HEY!

WHAT-

WHAT EXACTLY
IS OUR RELATIONSHIP

THAT WE'RE SENDING OUT
A CHRISTMAS CARD TOGETHER?

BUDDIES, CONFIDANTS,

2 RANDY GENTS
ABOUT TOWN.

DON'T YOU THINK
THAT SEEMS...

JOYOUS? INSPIRED?

GAY.

CHRISTMAS IS NO TIME
FOR BIGOTRY!

I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC!

I JUST DON'T WANNA
BE ON A CARD WITH YOU.

THESE AREN'T EVEN REAL!

OF COURSE NOT.
THEY'RE PROP COOKIES.

REAL COOKIES PHOTOGRAPH
LIKE BUTTONS, IDIOT!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ARTHUR.

GOOD! LEAVE, THEN.

NOW I DON'T HAVE
TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE

HOW I BEFRIENDED
A LAWN DWARF!

BACK OF THE TRUCK. NOW.

AHH.

COMIN' BACK FOR
SOME MORE DOUGIE LOVIN', HUH?

I GUESS ONCE YOU POP,
YOU CAN'T STOP.

OW!

TOUGH LOVE. I'M IN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU TOLD EVERYONE!

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
ABOUT WHAT WE DID HERE.

OH, AND YOU
DIDN'T TELL ANYONE?

OH, YEAH, I JUST COULDN'T
WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE

HOW CHUNKY NAILED ME
ON BUBBLE WRAP.

YOU SEE,
I KNEW THIS WAS WRONG

FOR A HUSBAND AND WIFE
TO WORK TOGETHER!

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT ANYMORE,

BECAUSE FOR THE REST
OF MY TIME HERE,

WE ARE NOT HUSBAND
AND WIFE, OK?

WE ARE SEPARATE EMPLOYEES

WITH SEPARATE LIVES.

WORKS FOR ME!

PERFECT!

OK, PAYDAY!

WHO WANTS
A PAYCHECK?

UH, LA POINTE?

LA PON-TAY.

RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.

DEACON?

THANKS, CARRIE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND...

HEFFERMAN?

ACTUALLY,
IT'S HEFFER-NAN.

OH!

RIGHT. OK, WELL,
HERE'S YOUR CHECK, DICK.

OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S DOUG.

I'M SORRY.
I'M NEW HERE.

OK, FLORSHEIM?

LISTEN, I DO NEED
TO SPEAK TO YOU

ABOUT ONE
NON-WORK-RELATED MATTER

IF THAT'S OK.

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT
OUR CHRISTMAS TREE.

WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO GET IT TONIGHT,

THAT IS, IF WE'RE STILL
CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS.

WELL, I KNOW I AM.

AS AM I. IN FACT,

I'M GETTIN'
A SANTA TATTOO.

HOW 'BOUT THIS, DOUG,

HOW 'BOUT WE EACH GET
OUR OWN TREE THIS YEAR? HMM?

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. NOW I CAN
BREAK OUT MY NAKED LADY ORNAMENTS.

OHH. WELL,
I GOT MY TREE.

OH, IS THAT ONE
YOURS?

THAT'S ADORABLE.

ACTUALLY, UM, NO.

I'M GONNA-
THIS IS THE TREE

THAT I'M GETTING
RIGHT HERE.

OK.
THERE YOU GO.

I GOT IT.
YEAH.

OK.

HI.
HI.

HOW MUCH FOR THIS ONE?

UH, THAT'S $55.

$55. ALL RIGHTY.

HERE WE GO. 60.

BEN, HONEY?

YEAH?
YOU GOT CHANGE?

OH, I SURE DO,
SWEETHEART.

WELL, WHERE-WHERE'D
I PUT MY FANNY PACK?

IT'S IN THE TRAILER.
RIGHT.

HE NEVER REMEMBERS
ANYTHING.

IN CASE YOU FORGET,
YOUR HAT'S ON YOUR HEAD.

YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED?
OH, YEAH.

AND YOU WORK
TOGETHER?

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
24 HOURS A DAY SINCE 1951.

LET ME GET SOME ROPE
FOR YOUR CAR.

OK.

WOW.

THEY'VE WORKED TOGETHER
FOR HALF A CENTURY,

AND, UH...

WE COULDN'T EVEN
MAKE IT FOR 10 DAYS.

WE SUCK.

YEAH.

LOOK, I'M-

I'M SORRY
ABOUT ALL THIS. I-

I LOVE BEING WITH YOU,
AND IF YOU WANT,

YOU CAN WORK
AT I.P.S. FULL-TIME.

SHOULD I QUIT?

THAT WOULD MAKE IT
THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

YES, SIR,
GOT THE CHANGE.

AND DID YOU WANT THE OTHER TREE AS WELL?

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK THE ONE
IS JUST GOOD FOR US.

WE'RE FINE.
THANK YOU.

YEAH. THANK YOU,
YOU GUYS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

NICE WORK. YOU
JUST COST US A SALE.

I DID?

YEAH, IF YOU'D
HAD YOUR FANNY PACK

AROUND YOUR WAIST
WHERE IT BELONGED,

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TIME
TO CHANGE THEIR MIND.

BUT THE MONEY'S SAFER
IN THE TRAILER!

OH, YOU GET STUPIDER
EVERY YEAR!

OH, SHUT UP!

SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

DAPHNE, SHUT UP!

FIRE!