The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 11 - Noel Cowards - full transcript

What are you doing?
It's my favourite Christmas song.

I can't stand the way
that Alvin always comes in late.

That's what's funny about it.

Not funny. It's disrespectful
to the other chipmunks.

Hey!

I know I have to die someday,

but I'm gonna be really pissed off
if it's today because of this.

You're so dead when we get home.

Oh, I'm shaking.

Oh, great.

There's something wrong
with the car.



Oh, really?
You think so, Mr. Goodwrench?

I can't believe
this thing stalled again.

It's probably one of those stupid belts.
I'll take a look at it now.

Doug, what are you doing?
We're on the expressway.

You're gonna get yourself killed.

Relax. I got the hazards on, okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

It just blew my cap off. I'm okay.

You know, it really is disrespectful
to the other chipmunks.

You're preaching to the choir, Dad.

Okay, I can fix this.

I just need the screwdriver
in the glove compartment.

Not in here.

What? I can't believe this.



I know it's here
because I keep it in here.

- Okay, it's not here.
- Told you.

Where could it be?

Did you lose it, Arthur?

Pardon me, I did not lose
your precious screwdriver.

It's on my bed.

I needed it to pry open
some paint cans.

What were you painting?

Nothing.
I found the cans in the basement,

and I wanted to see the difference

between Navajo white
and eggshell white.

Unbelievable.

Well, excuse me
for being consumed with boredom.

You're a very hard man to please,
Heffernan.

You okay, hon? You need help?

I've dragged it for two miles.
I can make the last eight feet.

Easy, hon.

Oh, God.

All right, where do you want it?

Okay, let me think.

All right, not there,
because of the things...

Hello? Sap.

Okay, all right, all right,
right here, right here.

- God, it's heavy.
- Okay.

Okay, what a great day, huh?

We got our Christmas tree

and we swept up
the Long Island Expressway.

Well, at least this year
we won't get that sad feeling

when we toss it out on the curb.

Hello?

Sorry again, Douglas, about that
screwdriver misunderstanding.

Here you go.

Thanks.

The next time
you want to sniff paint fumes,

use your own screwdriver, okay?

Oh, I see we're having sarcasm
for Christmas this year.

Okay, thank you.

Four hundred bucks

just to get the car running.

And then he said we still need
to keep an eye on the transmission.

Keep an eye on it?
What does that mean?

I don't know, I guess we take turns
sleeping in the garage.

I really wish
we could afford a new one.

Why don't we just do it?
Let's do it, you wanna?

- Doug, you know we can't now.
- Why not?

Because we agreed we're gonna wait
until we pay off the credit cards.

Oh, please,
we're never gonna do that.

Come on, new car,
me and you, huh?

We'll go cruising,
we'll pick up chicks.

Come back here,

and the three of you
can make me dinner.

All right, well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt just to look at some new ones.

Oh, you are a keeper.

So you're really ready
to get rid of your old heap, huh?

Yeah, it's had a good run.

Hell, I've had it since
I was a young stallion of 22.

Hey, you remember the first time
you tried to feel me up was in that car?

Yeah.

And you bent these two fingers
all the way back?

You let out such a scream.

I was a good sport though.

I let you go for it
the very next weekend, remember?

Yeah, but I had the cast on,
I couldn't get a good grip.

- I love you.
- Yeah.

This car is unbelievable.

Six cylinders, rack and pinion,

and these seats,
they actually heat up.

I can't begin to tell you
how warm my ass feels right now.

Maybe you could write a poem.

You know what? Stop that.

You're starting to act
like a game show contestant.

Now, come on, let's find a car
we can actually pay for.

- I want this one.
- Hon, did you see the sticker price?

Sticker price?

You know what I like to call
the sticker price?

The sucker price.

Well, that is clever.

Come on,
we really cannot afford this.

Look, I know how to negotiate
the price down.

This guy's gonna be
coming over here soon.

So let's do the old good cop,
bad cop routine.

Okay, which one am I?

- Bad cop.
- All right.

No, no, bad cop's more fun.
I wanna be bad cop.

Although
you look more like a bad cop.

Okay, how about,
you play all the police,

and I'll play the person
across the street getting a manicure?

All right, here he comes.
Just work with me.

- All right? Come on.
- Okay.

So you folks still looking or-?

- No, no, no, we're done.
- Good.

Well, good.
Think this is the one for you?

Don't know, don't know.
Honey, what do you think of this car?

I would like to take a sledgehammer
to this piece of crap.

All right.

- What did you say that for?
- I thought I was bad cop.

Bad cop, yeah, not Gestapo.

- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir?

Yeah, we actually might be willing
to consider buying this car,

but first I think we're gonna need
to see a little flexibility on your end,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm sorry,
but we can't go below sticker.

- This is a really hot car right now.
- Right, hot car. Right, absolutely.

Lot of heat. Okay.

Tell you what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna jot down a little figure

for your hot little car.

I want you to run this back
to your boss

and we'll take it from there, okay?

Yeah.

My manager's gonna think
this is a joke.

Well, why don't you just go show him
how funny we are?

Okay.

Welcome to the dance.

See, now he goes back there,
he has a cigarette,

he comes back with another number,
we scoff, we say goodbye,

and you watch
how fast he chases us.

Sorry, no go.

We can take about
a hundred dollars off the undercoating,

but that's the best we can do.

Oh, okay.

If that's the best you can do,

then I guess we're gonna
have to just say ta-ta.

Thanks for coming in.

Start walking.

Let's go.

Hey, baby.

What are you in the mood for?

Yeah, I could do Chinese.

Hey, take care now.

Hey, you too and merry Christmas.

So which place you thinking of?

No, that's too spicy.
I don't like that place.

Yeah, let's try to make it around...

Come on, let's just go back
and buy the car.

Doug, when we finally have kids,

wouldn't it be nice to have
more than 30 bucks tucked away?

I don't know.

I don't wanna spoil them.

Come on, Carrie,
I want new car smell.

Our car has Burger King smell.

Doug, let's just put
the new car thing aside for now,

slap some more duct tape
on the old one,

and really commit ourselves
to winning the lottery.

Okay?

- Okay?
- Okay.

Okay.

Arthur.

Didn't I ask you not to put
the peanut butter in the refrigerator?

You may have. Why?

Because then it gets hard

and I can't spread it
without tearing the bread.

So just let it sit for a half an hour
and soften up.

I want the sandwich now.

Then toast the bread.
That way it won't tear.

Don't want it toasted.
Don't want it in half an hour.

What I want is an untoasted
peanut butter and jelly sandwich now.

Well, Douglas,
that might not be possible.

As it is, I've given you a number
of very attractive alternatives.

No, they're not attractive.
Okay, Arthur, you know what?

I may not be able to afford
a decent car,

but I do have a house,
and I let you live in it.

So please show some respect.

Oh, peanut butter.
Oh, good, peanut butter, yeah.

My peanut butter. This is my house.

You gonna let him
talk that way to me?

Well, I'm not quite sure
what he said at the end there,

but as far as the other stuff
is concerned, Dad,

he's not really wrong.

Hey, sleepyhead.

Merry Christmas.

Come on downstairs.
I got something for you.

Dad, isn't Christmas tomorrow?

I couldn't wait. Come on down.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Keep those eyes closed.
Keep them closed.

- Oh, mother.
- Watch for that.

Okay.

One, two, three, merry Christmas!

So, what do you kids think, huh?

Well, it's cosy.

Where did it come from, Arthur?
Did you build it?

No, no, what we have here
is a Douchenberger.

Made in Luxembourg.

Most popular car
on the road over there.

Well, I assume they are tiny people.

Anyway, this old buddy of mine
happens to be an importer.

Cheese mostly, but when I told him
my kids needed new wheels,

he pulled some strings
and got me this one.

Right off the boat.

You know how fast this thing goes
zero to 60?

- How fast?
- I don't know.

It's nice, Dad,
but you really, really shouldn't have.

No, no, you kids deserve this.

No, we don't.

Sure, you do.

You're gonna be
the envy of the neighbourhood.

See?

Check out all the looks we're getting.

- Oh, my God!
- Go faster.

I'm already going as fast as I can.
I got it floored.

- Then shift.
- I'm shifting, I'm in third.

That's all there is.

Road hog.

Feel better?

A little bit.

Crying really helped.

This thing's unbelievable, huh?

I know.

It felt like we were navigating through
high-speed traffic in a soda can.

What was he thinking,
giving us a car?

Well, honey, it's pretty obvious
he did it because of you.

- Me?
- Yeah.

I mean, the way
you yelled at him the other day

you made him feel so bad.

I mean,
he knew we needed a new car

so, voila, '99 Douchen thing.

Hey, this wouldn't have happened
if you had let us get the other car.

But, no, we gotta save money
for our children.

Well, just look
what you've given birth to.

All right, just relax now.

You're just a little upset
because you almost died.

Maybe we just need time
to get used to this thing.

I mean, it is kind of cute
in its own little way.

Oh, God, we are so screwed.

Hey, what's going on?
What the hell is this?

It's our new car.

- No, seriously, what is it?
- It's a car.

Okay, maybe if you spent some time
in Luxembourg

you wouldn't ask
such stupid questions.

Where do the clowns come out?

Because, you know, in the circus,
all the clowns cram into one little--

Yeah, we get it, Rich,
not your best bit, okay?

We're just not
in a laughing mood, all right?

We almost got crushed
by a large truck

and a medium-sized dog.

What are we gonna do?

I mean, either we're stuck
with this ridiculous looking thing

or we have to break
my father's heart.

Or you could just dump it.

What do you mean?

I mean, there's a spot
under the Belt Parkway

where people "park" their cars

if they wanna be "relieved" of them.

You know what I'm "saying"?

You didn't need
that last set of finger quotes,

but, yeah, I get you.

Honey, you wanna do it?

Doug, we are not dumping the car.

Why not?
We'll collect the insurance money.

Give it to your dad,
he never has to know we didn't like it.

- We're not doing it.
- Then what do we do?

I don't know.

Carrie, I can't go to work in this.
I'm a teamster, for God's sakes.

Okay, we will just talk to my father,
and say:

"Thank you very much,
but the car is just not for us."

Oh, the kids.
Doug, I've got your song playing.

- Great, thanks.
- I put it on a loop.

It will just play and play
and play until someone turns it off.

Dad, you got a sec?

Sure, sure, let's all sit.

Relax.

Look, I baked Christmas cookies.

Hey, Dougie, those should hit you
in about an hour.

So, kids, what's on your mind?

Well, Dad, it's about the car.

The look on your faces
when I gave it to you...

It was worth every penny
from my IRA account.

You cashed in your IRA?

I'm just glad
I could pull together enough

to make your dreams come true.

Dad, I am so stunned.
That is so generous.

No, that's not generous.

Generous is opening your home
to a cranky old man

who sometimes forgets to show
the proper respect and gratitude.

That's generous.

God bless you, kids.

Well, this looks like the place.

I can't believe
we're actually doing this.

Come on, come on.
Keep it together, babe, all right?

All right, let's go.

Wait, let me get out first,
otherwise we'll tip over.

Oh, my God, look at this place.

Oh, I don't know,
it's got a lot of atmosphere.

Hey, baby, you wanna rumble?

I'm not sure if I wanna do this.

Hey, whoa, we agreed,
it's our only way out.

- I know, but it's immoral.
- It's not immoral.

Doug, we're inviting criminals
to steal the car my father bought

with his retirement money
as a show of love and respect for us.

On Christmas Eve.

That's not immoral?

I'm not saying we're gonna get
a lot of karma points,

but it's not immoral.

Where the hell is Richie
with the getaway car?

I can't do this to my father again.

What are you talking about, again?

When I was 6, he bought me
this doll for Christmas and I hated it.

- That happens.
- I buried it in the backyard.

And then like a month later,
our dog dug it up right in front of him.

Had worms coming out of the eyes,
fungus in his hair,

and it kept saying,
"I love you. I love you."

That happens.

Moose, sorry I'm late.
I had to help a buddy ditch a boat.

- Come on, let's go.
- All right, come on, Carrie.

- Carrie?
- Hey.

What's going on?
You want your car stolen or what?

I do.

It's her.

We have to go now.

Doug, I can't do this.

Moose?

- Forget it, Rich.
- All right, whatever.

Oh, man.

You know,
this song is really growing on me.

- You?
- Yeah.

Oh, here comes the best part.
Listen, listen.

A Hula-Hoop he wants.

And every time too.

Okay, I got the eggnog
and Mr. Rummy.

Let's hit the Christmas presents.

Speaking of which, still enjoying
the Douchenberger, Douglas?

Oh, yeah.

It's nice having a car
I can take into the store with me.

Here you go, Daddy.
This is from Doug and me.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

What could it be?

It's so exciting.

What's this?

It's a watch.

I have a watch.

I know, but this is engraved, look.

"With all our love, Doug and Carrie."

Well, you did your best.

- Hope you're happy.
- What?

I just went back to get my car,
it's stripped to the bone.

And my insurance doesn't cover
theft or vandalism.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Merry Christmas.

You sure someone will take it?

Definitely. Just leave it.

All right.

Hard to believe anyone
will want this thing, but here goes.

Go, go, go!

TE AMO!