The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Christmas 1972 - full transcript
Ah, Christmas 1972.
It was a simpler time when everyone,
even aspiring left coast
showbiz elites like me,
had no choice but to say...
Merry Christmas!
Have at it, fellas.
Careful with the wrapping!
Smooth it out for the "next year" pile.
But most of all, Christmas
let us forget our differences
and focus on
what really mattered... stuff.
Yes! The Adidas I wanted!
Wait.
- These are Adoodas.
- Look who suddenly cares about spelling.
- Socks.
- Pass that around.
That pack's for everybody.
This will cover my whole leg!
You think I've time to sort
laundry by different sizes?
Roll it down or grow nine inches.
This is just my old Lone Ranger
covered in tinfoil.
Which makes him Space Ranger.
On Space Trigger.
Each kid generally got one
decent store-brought item.
And then a wildcard gift
based on Mom's whim
and her current supply
of glitter and pipe-cleaners.
Yay. So stoked to add this
to my growing collection of God's eyes.
Don't be ingrates.
These gifts are practical
and/or from the heart.
Thanks, Frank.
Enjoy an extra pair of socks.
Score.
You guys never want to be
disappointed again?
Stop buying into the emptiness
of materialism.
- These are just things.
- Crappy things.
They just had an earthquake
in Nicaragua, man.
If you consider their suffering,
I'll bet those sneakers
you're complaining about
- will seem awfully small.
- They are small.
Dad bought the wrong size Adoodas.
What size are they?
- "Extra medium."
- All right.
Santa left one more gift in the garage.
Follow me.
A saw?
I guess this one's for Baby Andy.
It's all yours, Mr. Cleary.
I can finally fix
the railing on the porch
and the rest of the porch
and the house.
Maybe I can use it to cut my
socks down to the right size.
At least Uncle Tom's
still coming by today.
Oh, yeah! His gifts always kick Santa's
right in his big, red sack.
Because of my slick new saw,
there's no room in the garage
for whatever slick new car
your brother's driving this year.
Oh, honey. Stop trying
to turn everything
into some competition with Tom.
Because you can't win.
He's got more money,
which makes him better.
If I was single with no kids,
I'd be swimming in bachelor dough, too,
except I wouldn't be flaunting it around
- like some downtown fancy-man.
- Mm.
Ooh, but I got him this time.
Thanks to Becky.
- Did you name your saw Becky?
- Don't be jealous, Peg.
I'd hate to have
to choose between you two.
- Merry Christmas!
- Hey,
I thought you were
gonna be at your grandma's?
On my way, but I wanted
to drop off your gift.
My gift.
That's right. We're giving those
because of being boyfriend
and girlfriend.
That was my thinking on the matter.
And I've got your present ready, too.
Except I put it...
I don't know why I did this...
it's up on our roof.
And then we loaned our ladder
to one of our neighbors
so they could decorate it for Christmas
because they're poor and
can't afford a tree.
Wow. What a surprising
sequence of events.
I know.
And when will they be taking
down their Christmas ladder?
Traditionally, it's two or three days.
Well, I will be in Riverside
'til Wednesday,
so that should give you plenty of time
- to get your ladder back.
- And fetch your present,
which is right above our heads.
Grr, that's so frustrating.
Okay, see ya.
Where's the shirt we got for Tom?
Right here. I even stitched
a penguin on the pocket
and put it in a May Company box
so it looks like the real deal.
I'll give him the fake shirt
in the fake box,
and then clobber him with my saw.
He won't know what hit him.
Because he won't know he's in a fight
that's all in your head.
Sure, Tom earns in the high
five-figures,
but it's not like he
rubs your face in it.
Is that a Nicaragua earthquake?
That's Uncle Tom's new car!
Oh! Pat. Move, Pat!
The man drove here in a house.
Yep. No face-rubbin' at all.
Merry Christmas, Cleary Clan!
- Hey.
- Aww.
Heck of a sleigh, Tommy.
Right? Good to see you.
He couldn't have parked
in the garage anyway
because his awesome
Winnebago's way too big.
Maybe he should have just
parked it in your mouth.
How are things at the phone company?
Dandy as candy.
I'm now in charge of pay phones
for the greater GTE service area.
- Pay phones?
- Yeah.
Holy moley... talk about job security.
Yeah, it's big-time.
Personally, I think it's a shame
people don't write letters anymore.
This RV's got a bathroom, right?
Yeah! Knock yourself out.
Oh, but first, help me unload
my two adorable elves.
Hello, sweeties!
Aunt Marge.
Aww. There's Uncle Walter.
What a surprise.
Now I smell a campfire.
I better go set out some ashtrays.
How was your drive up?
Can't imagine this whale
handles too well.
Yeah, we're breaking this baby in.
From here, we're headed
to the Circus Circus Hotel
in Las Vegas.
I hear that they train elephants
to deal blackjack
and every room has a clown maid.
At least that's how I'd do it.
Man, oh man, this bathroom's nicer
than the one we have in our house!
Whoo-hoo, I'm next!
Whoa. It has a stove, too?!
Of course. What would be the point
of a car without a stove?
All right. Let's everybody
head into the real house
for a proper Christmas celebration.
We knew what that meant...
Dad was about to use us as pawns
in his one-sided competition with Tom.
- Let's get started.
- Oh, boy.
Timmy, do the joke you told
at Thanksgiving.
You said it was stupid.
Stupid not to share it.
You know the one about
the baby that was so ugly
he looked like a monkey,
and the guy on the train
offered him a banana.
You kind of gave the whole thing away.
Fine. Get your stupid magic kit.
- Yes!
- Frank, you're up!
This was Dad's way of using us kids
to shove his manhood
in Tom's childless face.
He made us perform
like the von Trapp family.
Only we couldn't escape
by climbing up over the Alps.
Banana.
This one is for Citizenship
in the Community.
Uh, this one is for Citizenship
in the Nation.
This one is for Citizenship
in the World...
Skip to the, uh, prestige badges,
- like bugling.
- Oh, I never got that one.
I've been self-diagnosed
with medically weak lips.
And now to make the egg reappear,
wave this wand over the bag,
Uncle Walter.
Give it a good grip.
He has crippling arthritis, sweetie.
I had to tape that cigarette
to his fingers.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Ta-da?
Pat, show him your hernia scar.
- Yay!
- Look at that.
Cost me 600 bucks to get the kid's
insides rearranged properly.
Okay, Pat, put your insides away.
It's gift time.
Tommy, we got you this.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
From the May Company.
See the box?
This is a really nice golf shirt!
Thank you.
We saw that while shopping
at the May Company.
Thought of you.
Grab that box for the "next year" pile,
but be careful.
The corners are starting to go.
All right. I got
a few gifts for you, too.
- Joey.
- Oh!
- Frank.
- Whoo!
- Timmy.
- Oh, boy.
- Eddie. Lawrence.
- This is it.
- William.
- Yabba-dabba-doo.
Pat.
Pajamas?
Pajamas aren't a gift.
Pajamas are something you have.
I was really hoping it would be
something good
I could pass along to Wendi.
You boys be sure to thank your Uncle Tom
for his generosity.
What a crap present.
Before we go, I have presents
for each of you boys.
Now I didn't have time to go shopping.
We actually prefer it when someone
doesn't have time to shop.
Honestly, they don't deserve anything.
You're spoiling them.
Please don't be Washington.
Please don't be Washington.
Please don't be Washington.
Lincoln! Him I can work with.
But my bill didn't have Honest Abe.
Staring back at me was the man
responsible for bifocals,
the lightning rod, and my best
Christmas in years...
Benjamin Franklin.
Was it a mistake? It had to be.
I needed to confide in someone,
but whom?
Frank was a total narc.
Joey would literally murder me
in my sleep, then steal it.
Lawrence would go all Charlie Church
and guilt me into giving it back
or donating it or something moronic.
So that left Eddie.
And finally, I have one more
little Christmas surprise.
Follow me!
- Oh, whoa!
- Whoa!
And there it was,
a big lump of coal in my dad's stocking.
23 inches of full color
with a built-in hi-fi stereo!
Ho ho ho!
This was the worst Christmas
morning of my father's life.
And that includes the one where
he walked into the kitchen
and pushed himself up against
Lawrence thinking it was Mom.
Come on. Don't feel bad, honey.
I told you he's just better.
- A new TV!
- Thank you, baby Jesus!
It's actually my old one. I upgraded,
but it gets all the new shows.
Well, it's certainly an
improvement over our old clunker.
Tom, so generous.
Too generous. We can't accept.
- What?!
- Yeah, I'm with Dad on this one.
Thank you, Lawrence.
With the current decline in literacy,
do you really think we need a TV at all?
Okay, you've lost all credibility.
This giant picture tube's a wattage hog.
It will strain the wiring
and burn down the house.
As long as we save the TV!
We can't accept for safety reasons.
Mike, honey, a word? In private?
Hey, you guys go ahead. Yeah.
I'll show the kids
the soft serve machine.
Soft serve?!
I live here now!
If you got to go, use the RV.
You can flush in there
without a bucket of water.
- What are you doing?
- Creating a cone of silence.
Look at what Aunt Marge
gave to me by accident.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, I know.
I feel terrible.
- I need advice.
- I'm flattered you came to me.
Well, you're not greedy or
evil or snitch-y or godly.
You have no distinct
personality whatsoever,
which makes your opinion more objective.
Thank you. Let me think about this.
But first, turn around.
I'm holding in a lot of Shasta here.
Are we some charity case?
Are we on welfare like
the Mulroys at church
that we're not supposed to know
about but everybody knows?
Look, Tom's just trying
to do something nice,
and you get all huffy about it.
If I want my children to have
a giant TV,
- I'll buy one for them.
- No, you won't.
No, I won't because I don't
want them to, all right?
They watch enough of that
idiot box as it is.
You watch just as much, if not more.
The damage to my brain is done.
There's still hope for some of them.
Mike, Peg, hey, if it's a problemo,
I can just donate the TV.
I mean, God knows I can use
the tax deductions.
Tax deductions,
like he's Thurston Howell III.
One thing... can I keep it here
for a few days?
It just seems silly hauling it
across the Mojave
when the RV already has a terrific TV.
I guess we can store it
as a favor to you.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Lawrence, Frank,
unload the TV.
- Oh!
- Yes!
It's not staying. We're just storing it
in the garage 'til Wednesday.
We could store it indefinitely
up in the tree house.
Really tie the space together.
Eat your soft serve.
Off the top of my head,
you could lend the money to me.
Oh, yeah. That's your advice?
- Give it to you?
- Okay, how about this?
It's Christmas,
maybe give it to the Church.
The Church? I could've
gotten that from Lawrence.
I just think it's a little hinky
to keep money you got by mistake.
If it weren't for this Wendi situation,
I would happily donate
my own $5 from Aunt Marge
to those poor Nigerians.
- Nicaraguans.
- I'm sure they both need it.
Or you could just give
the money back to Aunt Marge
and your conscience will be clear.
Eddie had a point.
Giving the hundred back to Aunt Marge
was really the right thing to do.
Unfortunately, "the right thing to do"
was currently chain-smoking
in an RV headed for Vegas.
So, the next day, I decided to
do the next best thing...
give it to those who needed it most.
See you later, Ben.
Have fun in Nicaragua.
I started to leave, but Ben
looked so vulnerable there.
So easily stolen.
What if he fell into the wrong hands?
At least in my hands,
I would know the money went to good use.
I decided to seek guidance
direct from the home office.
Baby Jesus, if you really want
me to leave the money, just...
...make my hand open up
and drop it into the basket.
Ouch! Ouch!
Ouch. Hey, scram. Ouch, stop.
No sign here as far as I can tell.
Message received, Baby Jesus.
Oh...
and happy birthday.
That small issue settled,
I was able to relax
and enjoy our annual viewing
of "White Christmas"...
except on our TV it was more
like "Fuzzy Green Christmas."
Certainly too bad General Waverly
- couldn't have been here...
- This is a great movie...
it's got Christmas, it's got war.
They throw in John Wayne on a horse...
win the Oscar every year.
Can you turn it up, please?
- I can barely hear it.
- If we turn it up,
it makes that high-pitched sound
that makes Pat vomit.
The only high-pitched
sound I hear is whining.
I got to use the john.
And so began our exodus from bondage.
I'm gonna re-marshmallow my cocoa.
- I'm gonna stretch my legs.
- Yeah.
I'll go stretch his legs, too.
After a point, we didn't even
bother coming up with excuses.
Thank you. Thank you.
How dare you?
If it wasn't me, I'd ask who raised you
'cause they did a terrible job.
Disobeying your dad and abandoning
a sacred family tradition
just so you can...
Geez Louise, look how red
those poinsettias are!
Oh. Bing doesn't look seasick.
And no high-pitched squeal either.
Scoot.
Peg?
Boys?
♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪
♪ Santa's got to make it to town ♪
♪ Santa, make him hurry ♪
♪ Tell him he can take
the freeway down ♪
♪ Run, run, Rudolph,
'cause I'm reelin'... ♪
I do not believe you kids.
You knew that TV was off-limits!
Despite its hi-fi stereo sound
and superior picture quality.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You ruined Christmas.
I guess we've come up with
a new holiday tradition
called "breaking Jesus' heart."
- But, Mommy, you were just...
- I was just what?
- I love you.
- That's what I thought.
Don't let me kill the Christmas fun.
I'm not the Grinch, or the Scrooge,
or the Goldsteins
who don't put up a tree.
Well, that's great, Pop.
'Cause this shindig
just started cookin'!
Yeah!
I just came out to enjoy
my new gift.
Let's fire her up!
Mike, do you...
You really think now's the right
time to play with Becky?
It's Christmas!
Let it snow!
- ♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪
- This is the best Christmas ever!
Ho ho ho ho.
I think they got the message.
The hard part of coming into real money
is holding onto it,
especially in my house
where stuff had a way
of disappearing, Joey.
I needed a good hiding place
where no one ever looked...
the family Bible.
Don't touch that!
- It's mine.
- Oh, my God.
Aunt Marge accidentally
gave you a hundred, too!
All right, fine.
But you told me to donate
mine to the Church.
It's a good deed...
the right thing to do.
- But you kept yours.
- My good deed was convincing you.
I figured it counted for both of us.
How is that fair?
You don't have a girlfriend
who needs a present.
No, but I have a ventriloquist dummy
and he likes nice things, as well!
Timmy,
I'm very disappointed in myself,
but I thought I could count on you.
I've got to say, you've let me down.
I'm disappointed in you, too!
You've been sticking
at magic nose of yours
- where it doesn't belong again.
- Is this old Darrin
or new Darrin?
Who can tell in this teeny picture tube?
Which is plenty big enough for us.
...which we now laughingly
call our anniversary.
You and Darrin have a lot in common.
You're both proud men of principle.
Not a sniveling worm like Larry Tate.
Tate. That guy.
If it weren't for Darrin's
strong stand on witchcraft,
just think of the amazing things
Samantha could do...
conjure up a new Kenmore dishwasher
or end all wars.
Oh, no point in her getting
mixed up in wars.
Russia and China would just use
their witches...
and you know they've got 'em.
I'm with Darrin.
The family should only
have what he can provide.
Who cares if Tabitha and
little Adam do without?
I'm sure Darrin cares...
The important thing
is Darrin's self-respect.
And winning that Meaty-Mutt
dog food account.
You know, I think Endora turning
him into a Great Dane
is gonna end up being
a big help on that.
I took the money and made my purchase.
A Christmas present for me.
Something every red-blooded,
American boy dreams of...
tap shoes.
Regular dancing... pfft.
That's for pikers.
Now I could dance for blind people!
Here it is. Safe and sound.
- Right where I left it.
- Up on the roof.
Yes, ma'am. Oh, look,
they left one of their ornaments.
You mean the people
who borrowed your ladder
to use as a Christmas tree?
Yeah, them.
Here you go.
- Merry Christmas.
- Ooh, the May Company.
Your mom let you use the box.
Oh, my God, Eddie.
- I love suede!
- Me too.
It always looks so good on cows.
And it really is from the May Company!
Hey, Uncle Tom. How was Las Vegas?
Ah, the oldsters had a blast.
Buffets then craps, buffets then craps.
And then in between, a little gambling!
These two were so sweet together.
They even talked about
renewing their vows.
Then I reminded them they are
brother and sister.
Okay, let's get that,
uh, present packed up
and we'll get out of here.
Unless you changed your mind.
I'll be glad to finally get
that thing out of my garage.
Frank, Lawrence,
the saw goes with your uncle.
We're keeping the TV.
- Yes!
- Yes!
The saw?
Peg and I somehow blanked
and forgot to give you
your other gift.
Are you sure?
That saw is an expensive item
for you guys.
Not as expensive as
the new, much better saw
we're getting Mike.
That's more of a beginner's model,
you know, for people
who aren't skilled with tools
like my husband.
To my dad, hearing Mom
slightly malign
her brother's masculinity
was the greatest
Christmas present of all.
You know what, Peg?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, sure.
This is a little awkward,
but I've been keeping track
of Marge's money for Las Vegas,
you know, because, well,
she gets a little confused.
I think she might have given
two of your boys
$100 bills when she was
handing out those $5s.
100 bucks?
Aw, for her that's like
four days of cigarette money.
But I'm sure your boys
would have said something.
I keep forgetting
you don't have children.
Hey! Which two of you
hooligans accepted $100
from my sweet, unsuspecting aunt?
- What? I got a $5.
- I got a $5, too.
That's a nice suede jacket, Wendi.
- Eddie got it for me.
- That's one.
What are you doing
way over there, Timmy?
All by yourself
like a gazelle separated from the pack.
Just hanging out.
Come closer.
And that's two.
Aunt Marge, Timmy and Eddie
have something to tell you,
if they know what's good for them.
You gave us each $100 by mistake.
That's no mistake. It's part
of my Las Vegas system.
I always bet on red,
so I gave my two redheads
$100 each for luck.
Whoa! Thanks, Great Aunt Marge!
I didn't know it, but I love you!
Oh!
Were you lucky in Vegas?
Front-row center seats
and a kiss from Mr. José Feliciano.
Yeah, it was not José Feliciano.
No.
Can't have enough ashtrays
under those two chimneys.
Thanks, Pegster.
And thanks again for the saw, Mike.
Hopefully I won't have to stop
abruptly on the freeway
or it'll be a bloodbath.
See you guys.
I know it's silly pride, Peg,
but giving ol' Becky to Tom
was the only way I could come around
to accepting his generosity.
I'm more than happy
to trade Becky for Mitch.
- Mitch?
- It's what I named the TV.
And I think you had the wrong takeaway
- from that "Bewitched" story.
- Hm?
Darrin's kind of a clown for not
swallowing his pride
once in a while and letting their kids
have a few nice things.
Either way, I'm grateful
for these network TV shows.
They have so much to teach us
about how to be a family.
It ended up being a bountiful Christmas
- for everyone after all.
- Enough with the ridiculous shoes.
You're scuffing up the floor.
I got to keep my tap shoes,
Wendi got to keep her jacket,
which meant
Eddie got to keep Wendi.
And, best of all,
Mom got a fresh, new May Company box.
Wendi's coat only lasted another season,
but Mom reused that box
for many Christmases to come.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
It was a simpler time when everyone,
even aspiring left coast
showbiz elites like me,
had no choice but to say...
Merry Christmas!
Have at it, fellas.
Careful with the wrapping!
Smooth it out for the "next year" pile.
But most of all, Christmas
let us forget our differences
and focus on
what really mattered... stuff.
Yes! The Adidas I wanted!
Wait.
- These are Adoodas.
- Look who suddenly cares about spelling.
- Socks.
- Pass that around.
That pack's for everybody.
This will cover my whole leg!
You think I've time to sort
laundry by different sizes?
Roll it down or grow nine inches.
This is just my old Lone Ranger
covered in tinfoil.
Which makes him Space Ranger.
On Space Trigger.
Each kid generally got one
decent store-brought item.
And then a wildcard gift
based on Mom's whim
and her current supply
of glitter and pipe-cleaners.
Yay. So stoked to add this
to my growing collection of God's eyes.
Don't be ingrates.
These gifts are practical
and/or from the heart.
Thanks, Frank.
Enjoy an extra pair of socks.
Score.
You guys never want to be
disappointed again?
Stop buying into the emptiness
of materialism.
- These are just things.
- Crappy things.
They just had an earthquake
in Nicaragua, man.
If you consider their suffering,
I'll bet those sneakers
you're complaining about
- will seem awfully small.
- They are small.
Dad bought the wrong size Adoodas.
What size are they?
- "Extra medium."
- All right.
Santa left one more gift in the garage.
Follow me.
A saw?
I guess this one's for Baby Andy.
It's all yours, Mr. Cleary.
I can finally fix
the railing on the porch
and the rest of the porch
and the house.
Maybe I can use it to cut my
socks down to the right size.
At least Uncle Tom's
still coming by today.
Oh, yeah! His gifts always kick Santa's
right in his big, red sack.
Because of my slick new saw,
there's no room in the garage
for whatever slick new car
your brother's driving this year.
Oh, honey. Stop trying
to turn everything
into some competition with Tom.
Because you can't win.
He's got more money,
which makes him better.
If I was single with no kids,
I'd be swimming in bachelor dough, too,
except I wouldn't be flaunting it around
- like some downtown fancy-man.
- Mm.
Ooh, but I got him this time.
Thanks to Becky.
- Did you name your saw Becky?
- Don't be jealous, Peg.
I'd hate to have
to choose between you two.
- Merry Christmas!
- Hey,
I thought you were
gonna be at your grandma's?
On my way, but I wanted
to drop off your gift.
My gift.
That's right. We're giving those
because of being boyfriend
and girlfriend.
That was my thinking on the matter.
And I've got your present ready, too.
Except I put it...
I don't know why I did this...
it's up on our roof.
And then we loaned our ladder
to one of our neighbors
so they could decorate it for Christmas
because they're poor and
can't afford a tree.
Wow. What a surprising
sequence of events.
I know.
And when will they be taking
down their Christmas ladder?
Traditionally, it's two or three days.
Well, I will be in Riverside
'til Wednesday,
so that should give you plenty of time
- to get your ladder back.
- And fetch your present,
which is right above our heads.
Grr, that's so frustrating.
Okay, see ya.
Where's the shirt we got for Tom?
Right here. I even stitched
a penguin on the pocket
and put it in a May Company box
so it looks like the real deal.
I'll give him the fake shirt
in the fake box,
and then clobber him with my saw.
He won't know what hit him.
Because he won't know he's in a fight
that's all in your head.
Sure, Tom earns in the high
five-figures,
but it's not like he
rubs your face in it.
Is that a Nicaragua earthquake?
That's Uncle Tom's new car!
Oh! Pat. Move, Pat!
The man drove here in a house.
Yep. No face-rubbin' at all.
Merry Christmas, Cleary Clan!
- Hey.
- Aww.
Heck of a sleigh, Tommy.
Right? Good to see you.
He couldn't have parked
in the garage anyway
because his awesome
Winnebago's way too big.
Maybe he should have just
parked it in your mouth.
How are things at the phone company?
Dandy as candy.
I'm now in charge of pay phones
for the greater GTE service area.
- Pay phones?
- Yeah.
Holy moley... talk about job security.
Yeah, it's big-time.
Personally, I think it's a shame
people don't write letters anymore.
This RV's got a bathroom, right?
Yeah! Knock yourself out.
Oh, but first, help me unload
my two adorable elves.
Hello, sweeties!
Aunt Marge.
Aww. There's Uncle Walter.
What a surprise.
Now I smell a campfire.
I better go set out some ashtrays.
How was your drive up?
Can't imagine this whale
handles too well.
Yeah, we're breaking this baby in.
From here, we're headed
to the Circus Circus Hotel
in Las Vegas.
I hear that they train elephants
to deal blackjack
and every room has a clown maid.
At least that's how I'd do it.
Man, oh man, this bathroom's nicer
than the one we have in our house!
Whoo-hoo, I'm next!
Whoa. It has a stove, too?!
Of course. What would be the point
of a car without a stove?
All right. Let's everybody
head into the real house
for a proper Christmas celebration.
We knew what that meant...
Dad was about to use us as pawns
in his one-sided competition with Tom.
- Let's get started.
- Oh, boy.
Timmy, do the joke you told
at Thanksgiving.
You said it was stupid.
Stupid not to share it.
You know the one about
the baby that was so ugly
he looked like a monkey,
and the guy on the train
offered him a banana.
You kind of gave the whole thing away.
Fine. Get your stupid magic kit.
- Yes!
- Frank, you're up!
This was Dad's way of using us kids
to shove his manhood
in Tom's childless face.
He made us perform
like the von Trapp family.
Only we couldn't escape
by climbing up over the Alps.
Banana.
This one is for Citizenship
in the Community.
Uh, this one is for Citizenship
in the Nation.
This one is for Citizenship
in the World...
Skip to the, uh, prestige badges,
- like bugling.
- Oh, I never got that one.
I've been self-diagnosed
with medically weak lips.
And now to make the egg reappear,
wave this wand over the bag,
Uncle Walter.
Give it a good grip.
He has crippling arthritis, sweetie.
I had to tape that cigarette
to his fingers.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Ta-da?
Pat, show him your hernia scar.
- Yay!
- Look at that.
Cost me 600 bucks to get the kid's
insides rearranged properly.
Okay, Pat, put your insides away.
It's gift time.
Tommy, we got you this.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
From the May Company.
See the box?
This is a really nice golf shirt!
Thank you.
We saw that while shopping
at the May Company.
Thought of you.
Grab that box for the "next year" pile,
but be careful.
The corners are starting to go.
All right. I got
a few gifts for you, too.
- Joey.
- Oh!
- Frank.
- Whoo!
- Timmy.
- Oh, boy.
- Eddie. Lawrence.
- This is it.
- William.
- Yabba-dabba-doo.
Pat.
Pajamas?
Pajamas aren't a gift.
Pajamas are something you have.
I was really hoping it would be
something good
I could pass along to Wendi.
You boys be sure to thank your Uncle Tom
for his generosity.
What a crap present.
Before we go, I have presents
for each of you boys.
Now I didn't have time to go shopping.
We actually prefer it when someone
doesn't have time to shop.
Honestly, they don't deserve anything.
You're spoiling them.
Please don't be Washington.
Please don't be Washington.
Please don't be Washington.
Lincoln! Him I can work with.
But my bill didn't have Honest Abe.
Staring back at me was the man
responsible for bifocals,
the lightning rod, and my best
Christmas in years...
Benjamin Franklin.
Was it a mistake? It had to be.
I needed to confide in someone,
but whom?
Frank was a total narc.
Joey would literally murder me
in my sleep, then steal it.
Lawrence would go all Charlie Church
and guilt me into giving it back
or donating it or something moronic.
So that left Eddie.
And finally, I have one more
little Christmas surprise.
Follow me!
- Oh, whoa!
- Whoa!
And there it was,
a big lump of coal in my dad's stocking.
23 inches of full color
with a built-in hi-fi stereo!
Ho ho ho!
This was the worst Christmas
morning of my father's life.
And that includes the one where
he walked into the kitchen
and pushed himself up against
Lawrence thinking it was Mom.
Come on. Don't feel bad, honey.
I told you he's just better.
- A new TV!
- Thank you, baby Jesus!
It's actually my old one. I upgraded,
but it gets all the new shows.
Well, it's certainly an
improvement over our old clunker.
Tom, so generous.
Too generous. We can't accept.
- What?!
- Yeah, I'm with Dad on this one.
Thank you, Lawrence.
With the current decline in literacy,
do you really think we need a TV at all?
Okay, you've lost all credibility.
This giant picture tube's a wattage hog.
It will strain the wiring
and burn down the house.
As long as we save the TV!
We can't accept for safety reasons.
Mike, honey, a word? In private?
Hey, you guys go ahead. Yeah.
I'll show the kids
the soft serve machine.
Soft serve?!
I live here now!
If you got to go, use the RV.
You can flush in there
without a bucket of water.
- What are you doing?
- Creating a cone of silence.
Look at what Aunt Marge
gave to me by accident.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, I know.
I feel terrible.
- I need advice.
- I'm flattered you came to me.
Well, you're not greedy or
evil or snitch-y or godly.
You have no distinct
personality whatsoever,
which makes your opinion more objective.
Thank you. Let me think about this.
But first, turn around.
I'm holding in a lot of Shasta here.
Are we some charity case?
Are we on welfare like
the Mulroys at church
that we're not supposed to know
about but everybody knows?
Look, Tom's just trying
to do something nice,
and you get all huffy about it.
If I want my children to have
a giant TV,
- I'll buy one for them.
- No, you won't.
No, I won't because I don't
want them to, all right?
They watch enough of that
idiot box as it is.
You watch just as much, if not more.
The damage to my brain is done.
There's still hope for some of them.
Mike, Peg, hey, if it's a problemo,
I can just donate the TV.
I mean, God knows I can use
the tax deductions.
Tax deductions,
like he's Thurston Howell III.
One thing... can I keep it here
for a few days?
It just seems silly hauling it
across the Mojave
when the RV already has a terrific TV.
I guess we can store it
as a favor to you.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Lawrence, Frank,
unload the TV.
- Oh!
- Yes!
It's not staying. We're just storing it
in the garage 'til Wednesday.
We could store it indefinitely
up in the tree house.
Really tie the space together.
Eat your soft serve.
Off the top of my head,
you could lend the money to me.
Oh, yeah. That's your advice?
- Give it to you?
- Okay, how about this?
It's Christmas,
maybe give it to the Church.
The Church? I could've
gotten that from Lawrence.
I just think it's a little hinky
to keep money you got by mistake.
If it weren't for this Wendi situation,
I would happily donate
my own $5 from Aunt Marge
to those poor Nigerians.
- Nicaraguans.
- I'm sure they both need it.
Or you could just give
the money back to Aunt Marge
and your conscience will be clear.
Eddie had a point.
Giving the hundred back to Aunt Marge
was really the right thing to do.
Unfortunately, "the right thing to do"
was currently chain-smoking
in an RV headed for Vegas.
So, the next day, I decided to
do the next best thing...
give it to those who needed it most.
See you later, Ben.
Have fun in Nicaragua.
I started to leave, but Ben
looked so vulnerable there.
So easily stolen.
What if he fell into the wrong hands?
At least in my hands,
I would know the money went to good use.
I decided to seek guidance
direct from the home office.
Baby Jesus, if you really want
me to leave the money, just...
...make my hand open up
and drop it into the basket.
Ouch! Ouch!
Ouch. Hey, scram. Ouch, stop.
No sign here as far as I can tell.
Message received, Baby Jesus.
Oh...
and happy birthday.
That small issue settled,
I was able to relax
and enjoy our annual viewing
of "White Christmas"...
except on our TV it was more
like "Fuzzy Green Christmas."
Certainly too bad General Waverly
- couldn't have been here...
- This is a great movie...
it's got Christmas, it's got war.
They throw in John Wayne on a horse...
win the Oscar every year.
Can you turn it up, please?
- I can barely hear it.
- If we turn it up,
it makes that high-pitched sound
that makes Pat vomit.
The only high-pitched
sound I hear is whining.
I got to use the john.
And so began our exodus from bondage.
I'm gonna re-marshmallow my cocoa.
- I'm gonna stretch my legs.
- Yeah.
I'll go stretch his legs, too.
After a point, we didn't even
bother coming up with excuses.
Thank you. Thank you.
How dare you?
If it wasn't me, I'd ask who raised you
'cause they did a terrible job.
Disobeying your dad and abandoning
a sacred family tradition
just so you can...
Geez Louise, look how red
those poinsettias are!
Oh. Bing doesn't look seasick.
And no high-pitched squeal either.
Scoot.
Peg?
Boys?
♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪
♪ Santa's got to make it to town ♪
♪ Santa, make him hurry ♪
♪ Tell him he can take
the freeway down ♪
♪ Run, run, Rudolph,
'cause I'm reelin'... ♪
I do not believe you kids.
You knew that TV was off-limits!
Despite its hi-fi stereo sound
and superior picture quality.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You ruined Christmas.
I guess we've come up with
a new holiday tradition
called "breaking Jesus' heart."
- But, Mommy, you were just...
- I was just what?
- I love you.
- That's what I thought.
Don't let me kill the Christmas fun.
I'm not the Grinch, or the Scrooge,
or the Goldsteins
who don't put up a tree.
Well, that's great, Pop.
'Cause this shindig
just started cookin'!
Yeah!
I just came out to enjoy
my new gift.
Let's fire her up!
Mike, do you...
You really think now's the right
time to play with Becky?
It's Christmas!
Let it snow!
- ♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪
- This is the best Christmas ever!
Ho ho ho ho.
I think they got the message.
The hard part of coming into real money
is holding onto it,
especially in my house
where stuff had a way
of disappearing, Joey.
I needed a good hiding place
where no one ever looked...
the family Bible.
Don't touch that!
- It's mine.
- Oh, my God.
Aunt Marge accidentally
gave you a hundred, too!
All right, fine.
But you told me to donate
mine to the Church.
It's a good deed...
the right thing to do.
- But you kept yours.
- My good deed was convincing you.
I figured it counted for both of us.
How is that fair?
You don't have a girlfriend
who needs a present.
No, but I have a ventriloquist dummy
and he likes nice things, as well!
Timmy,
I'm very disappointed in myself,
but I thought I could count on you.
I've got to say, you've let me down.
I'm disappointed in you, too!
You've been sticking
at magic nose of yours
- where it doesn't belong again.
- Is this old Darrin
or new Darrin?
Who can tell in this teeny picture tube?
Which is plenty big enough for us.
...which we now laughingly
call our anniversary.
You and Darrin have a lot in common.
You're both proud men of principle.
Not a sniveling worm like Larry Tate.
Tate. That guy.
If it weren't for Darrin's
strong stand on witchcraft,
just think of the amazing things
Samantha could do...
conjure up a new Kenmore dishwasher
or end all wars.
Oh, no point in her getting
mixed up in wars.
Russia and China would just use
their witches...
and you know they've got 'em.
I'm with Darrin.
The family should only
have what he can provide.
Who cares if Tabitha and
little Adam do without?
I'm sure Darrin cares...
The important thing
is Darrin's self-respect.
And winning that Meaty-Mutt
dog food account.
You know, I think Endora turning
him into a Great Dane
is gonna end up being
a big help on that.
I took the money and made my purchase.
A Christmas present for me.
Something every red-blooded,
American boy dreams of...
tap shoes.
Regular dancing... pfft.
That's for pikers.
Now I could dance for blind people!
Here it is. Safe and sound.
- Right where I left it.
- Up on the roof.
Yes, ma'am. Oh, look,
they left one of their ornaments.
You mean the people
who borrowed your ladder
to use as a Christmas tree?
Yeah, them.
Here you go.
- Merry Christmas.
- Ooh, the May Company.
Your mom let you use the box.
Oh, my God, Eddie.
- I love suede!
- Me too.
It always looks so good on cows.
And it really is from the May Company!
Hey, Uncle Tom. How was Las Vegas?
Ah, the oldsters had a blast.
Buffets then craps, buffets then craps.
And then in between, a little gambling!
These two were so sweet together.
They even talked about
renewing their vows.
Then I reminded them they are
brother and sister.
Okay, let's get that,
uh, present packed up
and we'll get out of here.
Unless you changed your mind.
I'll be glad to finally get
that thing out of my garage.
Frank, Lawrence,
the saw goes with your uncle.
We're keeping the TV.
- Yes!
- Yes!
The saw?
Peg and I somehow blanked
and forgot to give you
your other gift.
Are you sure?
That saw is an expensive item
for you guys.
Not as expensive as
the new, much better saw
we're getting Mike.
That's more of a beginner's model,
you know, for people
who aren't skilled with tools
like my husband.
To my dad, hearing Mom
slightly malign
her brother's masculinity
was the greatest
Christmas present of all.
You know what, Peg?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, sure.
This is a little awkward,
but I've been keeping track
of Marge's money for Las Vegas,
you know, because, well,
she gets a little confused.
I think she might have given
two of your boys
$100 bills when she was
handing out those $5s.
100 bucks?
Aw, for her that's like
four days of cigarette money.
But I'm sure your boys
would have said something.
I keep forgetting
you don't have children.
Hey! Which two of you
hooligans accepted $100
from my sweet, unsuspecting aunt?
- What? I got a $5.
- I got a $5, too.
That's a nice suede jacket, Wendi.
- Eddie got it for me.
- That's one.
What are you doing
way over there, Timmy?
All by yourself
like a gazelle separated from the pack.
Just hanging out.
Come closer.
And that's two.
Aunt Marge, Timmy and Eddie
have something to tell you,
if they know what's good for them.
You gave us each $100 by mistake.
That's no mistake. It's part
of my Las Vegas system.
I always bet on red,
so I gave my two redheads
$100 each for luck.
Whoa! Thanks, Great Aunt Marge!
I didn't know it, but I love you!
Oh!
Were you lucky in Vegas?
Front-row center seats
and a kiss from Mr. José Feliciano.
Yeah, it was not José Feliciano.
No.
Can't have enough ashtrays
under those two chimneys.
Thanks, Pegster.
And thanks again for the saw, Mike.
Hopefully I won't have to stop
abruptly on the freeway
or it'll be a bloodbath.
See you guys.
I know it's silly pride, Peg,
but giving ol' Becky to Tom
was the only way I could come around
to accepting his generosity.
I'm more than happy
to trade Becky for Mitch.
- Mitch?
- It's what I named the TV.
And I think you had the wrong takeaway
- from that "Bewitched" story.
- Hm?
Darrin's kind of a clown for not
swallowing his pride
once in a while and letting their kids
have a few nice things.
Either way, I'm grateful
for these network TV shows.
They have so much to teach us
about how to be a family.
It ended up being a bountiful Christmas
- for everyone after all.
- Enough with the ridiculous shoes.
You're scuffing up the floor.
I got to keep my tap shoes,
Wendi got to keep her jacket,
which meant
Eddie got to keep Wendi.
And, best of all,
Mom got a fresh, new May Company box.
Wendi's coat only lasted another season,
but Mom reused that box
for many Christmases to come.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com