The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Episode #1.19 - full transcript
Today feels like a special day.
The sun is out, so I won't
lose a toe to hypothermia.
And I'm feeling less activity
from my bodily parasites!
Sitting there like a couple of lumps.
It's a sin to watch TV
on such a nice day.
It's "Boxcar Benji."
That fake TV hobo?
You should be out in the
fresh air, playing...
with real hobos.
Dodgers are on.
I heard you that...
Dad, you should be out in the
fresh air, playing real baseball.
Funny you bring that up.
When I played high school ball,
there were a few scouts sniffing around.
- I remember the...
- Oh, no, Dad's talking
about the past again.
Figured that would clear the room.
I remember the first time
I tried that particular
trick on the kids...
I'm out of here.
Just me and Don Sutton.
- Give it back!
- I found a heretic in our midst.
What, a Giants fan?
William has been studying
this fake religion
based on those dumb
science-fiction books he reads.
Always reading. I'd hoped
that was just a phase.
It's a science-based thought-system,
much of it just as feasible
as the stuff they teach in church.
"Magor-eology"?
By J. Eldon Gutierrez.
They were handing those out
in front of the vegetarian restaurant.
That's where I'd go to look for suckers.
Bunch of folks willing to spend 2 bucks
on a bowl of grass soup.
It's a philosophy
the Magorian people have used to bring
a trillion years of peace
to their quadrant.
Wouldn't mind a little peace
in my quadrant right now.
Give him his book back, Frank.
Thank you.
It's a slippery slope, Dad.
First Magoreology, then he'll
be hanging out with Lutherans.
Lutherans!
Now that Frank is out of the room,
I don't mind saying I agree with him.
I don't like my kids looking
outside the Catholic Church.
That's why we have all
the stained glass...
so you can't see out.
William's just got a
naturally curious mind.
The other day, he was
asking me about Buddhism.
And you told him?!
Yeah, it's been around for a
while, Mom. It's out there.
Oh, it's "out there," all right.
A big, fat guy stuffing his
wisdom into fortune cookies.
I think that's Confucianism.
Damn right, it's confusing.
All these new religions.
Buddhism's actually
older than Catholicism.
Yeah, well, I'm just hearing
about it, and I don't like it.
Well, I think it's healthy
that William's questioning his beliefs.
Well, you questioned your beliefs
right out of a cushy priest job.
Our religion has a lot of
beautiful, profound ideas
that only work if you don't
look at them too closely.
Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs
wringing their hands, trying
to pick things apart.
That's what synagogues are for.
- Mm-hmm.
- If you think your faith
won't stand up to scrutiny,
why is it so important for
your kids to follow it?
Because it's right.
Other religions feel the same way.
Well, they're wrong.
If you force William to
believe what you believe,
you might just drive him away from it.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe we should back off William
and see how this plays out.
That's the trouble with
smart kids... they're awful.
The dumb ones are awful, too,
but at least you can boss them around.
Eddie, pick up your feet when you walk.
Where have you guys been?
We got up at 3:00 in the morning
to get in line for Zeppelin tickets.
Ooh, it's time for the air show again?
I'm not surprised blimp
day's become a hot ticket.
They're the gentle giants of the sky.
They're talking about the band.
Zeppelin's a band now?
Your generation ruins everything.
Hermits, stones, beetles...
words used to mean something.
Well, we didn't get the tickets
because someone fell
asleep on their shift.
The guy promised he'd wake me
up when the Ticketron opened.
You mean the guy in line behind us
who accused us of cutting
in front of him?
Yeah... Doug.
I am never speaking to Doug again.
You're never seeing him again.
How about at the concert?
Doug'll be there.
But we won't... because of you!
Because of Doug.
If we had to depend on
you two in the war,
we'd all be speaking German right now.
That would be really helpful.
I cannot get through my
foreign language requirement.
I'm surprised you're giving up so easy.
You always seem to have a connection
for concert tickets and fireworks.
And a koala that one time.
Ohh. Pat's best birthday yet.
Yeah.
I got Mousey and Ray-Ray
beating the streets,
but so far, all they could
score me was "Ice Capades."
But I might be able to set you
up for that air show, Dad.
I'll take two for blimp day.
And, uh, some more of those
hot dog vouchers. Hmm?
Is this tie too flashy for Mass, hon?
Huh. Didn't realize I was
married to Liberace.
Wear the brown one.
There you are... the
last place I checked.
Why aren't you wearing pants?
They wouldn't fit over my shoes,
but that's not why I'm here.
Don't feel bad, pal. I
blew it with my tie.
William says he's not
going to church today.
Nonsense. You tell him he's going.
- And put your pants on.
- I mean,
I can try again, but...
Take your shoes off first.
Ohh!
So, now William doesn't want
to go to church at all.
Well, I guess we clamp down
before his doubts about
religion affect the other kids.
We don't want them catching on.
You mean we don't want
the others doubting it?
Sure.
Well, his problem is, he sits
in Mass thinking about stuff.
We need to find him a distraction...
like when the baby and Eddie get fussy,
I give them my keys to play with.
And Pat likes how the pew
vibrates under his butt
when the organ plays a low note.
What on God's green Earth?!
Sounds like you're playing
Hell's national anthem.
I'm just practicing
scales on my theremin.
- Oh.
- I was hoping to skip Mass today
to learn the theme from "Star Trek."
I know how into music you are.
Father Abdi says
you're a once-in-a-generation
musical talent.
Would you knock that off?
Wait. You were talking
to Father Abdi about me?
Just the other day,
when I was teaching him
how Americans use stairs,
he asked about you getting
involved with the boys' choir.
- Our choir?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and do you know why our
church calls it a choir?
Because when they sing,
it's so terrible,
you... cwy.
Sure, Timmy made a bad joke,
but even in the worst comedy,
there's a germ of truth.
Our choir stinks.
That's all I wanted to communicate.
I thank ye.
Look, that's why Father Abdi needs you.
He was hoping you'd
listen during Mass today
and give suggestions.
And they'll take them seriously?
That's what the Catholic
Church is known for...
always welcoming new ideas.
♪ Holy God, we praise Thy Name ♪
Tempo. Tempo! Come on, people!
♪ Lord of all, we bow before Thee ♪
Terrible. It's just appalling.
Cut 'em some slack. Their
voices are changing.
Not changing enough.
Ohh!
♪ Everlasting is Thy reign ♪
Ooh! That hymn tickles my butt!
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Coming down the tracks
on this two-for-Tuesday,
a double shot of Grand Funk Railroad.
What's your finger doing,
besides putting undue stress
on the rotary mechanism?
KYWW has tickets to Led Zeppelin.
You call in to win.
But you have to say, "KYWW
plays all the hits."
Now that I understand
it, I care even less.
Hang up. I like to keep that line open.
Dad, c'mon! You never get calls.
I work in the defense industry,
so I must be reachable
at all times in case of
a national emergency.
What'd I tell you?
Mike Cleary.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Well, that's intriguing.
You confirmed those
figures with the Colonel?
And everybody up at HQ?
Okay. I'll be there.
Peggy, Kentucky Fried
Chicken has a meal deal...
a bucket, fixins, plus free slaw!
Clowns almost made me miss that.
Honey, I told you...
tonight we are dining with the Colonel.
We need a fresh vegetable, so
I'm opening a can of beans.
Well, this just about tears it!
I am fit to be tied!
Oh, Frank, stop talking
like an elderly person.
William staged a power-grab
at choir practice.
Came in throwing "suggestions"
at Sister Euphemia,
who rolled over like an Irish Setter.
Sounds like you got
William back in the fold.
Yeah, but I didn't realize
it would upset Frank.
So that's just gravy.
Mmm. Savory country gravy.
Time to pick up the chicken.
Mm.
Hey, I hear you're whipping
the choir into shape.
Good job.
I hear Frank isn't too happy about it.
He's mad because he thinks
his voice is a tenor.
I would rank it more of
a four-and-a-halfer.
Yes, it's a bad joke,
but it doesn't diminish the
importance of the message.
- Frank stinks.
- You can't kick him out.
They already spent good
money on that special robe
that makes him look like
he's got shoulders.
I told him he can stay
if he just moves his lips
without making any noise.
Oh, if only I could get him
to do that around here.
We sounded really good tonight.
In fact, Father Abdi stopped
by and asked us to sing
on the "Mass for Shut-Ins"
show this Sunday.
What do you know?
Because of church,
you're gonna sing on TV.
Acoustics in our house
were a funny thing.
Sometimes, I couldn't
hear my mother tell me
to pick up a dirty
sock from 2 feet away,
... on TV... on TV... but other times...
You hear that, Timmy?
William's gonna sing on TV?
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
♪ Merciful and mighty ♪
♪ God in three persons ♪
♪ Blessed Trinity ♪
William, your lovely
voice has drawn from me
long-dormant feelings...
passions, innocence untouched,
but longing... so much longing.
I'm... sorry, Sister.
No. You were wonderful.
I think we have found our soloist!
Excuse me, Sister.
I'd like to audition for the solo.
What are you doing here?
Isn't it obvious?
Timmy can never stand anybody
getting more attention than him.
He'd climb up on that cross
if he wasn't scared of splinters.
Listen, Ruth, William's a doll,
and he'd be fine if this
was just a church gig,
but on television, you're
competing for eyeballs.
There are, like, four channels now.
So you have got to pop out
of that screen and grab 'em!
Let me give you a little taste.
Billy, B-flat.
♪ Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy ♪
- ♪ Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy ♪
- Yeah!
- ♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Holy, holy-holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord, God Almighty ♪ Almighty!
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Early in the morning ♪
- ♪ O-o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ My song shall rise to ♪
♪ Thee, Thee, Thee, Thee ♪
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Merciful and mighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ God in three persons ♪
- ♪ O-o-oh ♪
- ♪ The blessed Trinity-ty-ty-ty ♪
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord God Almighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Ba-da, ba, ba-da ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ The blessed Trinity ♪
Who are you sending those postcards to?
Show business power players...
Lew Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick.
Folks who'll want to catch
my solo Sunday morning.
I'm gonna be the first
person in our family on TV.
Not true. Your cousin
Brenda used to pal around
with those Manson girls.
She made it into all the
courtroom sketches.
It seems very unlikely to me
that your industry big shots
are gonna be watching
the "Mass for Shut-Ins."
You mean a guy like Lew Wasserman,
running a big studio?
I doubt he has time to get to Mass.
You took a beautiful hymn
and made it an abomination!
Sounds like you might be jealous
somebody took your solo.
I care about honoring the music.
You don't add a whoopee
cushion to Mozart.
You do if you want to
get butts in the seats.
You've taken the one thing
I like about church
and you made it about butts.
My mom's plan was starting to unravel.
She now worried William might
stop making music for
the Catholic Church
and end up making music at the airport,
with a shaved head and a tambourine.
You know, Timmy...
you're gonna have plenty of
opportunities to be on TV.
Maybe you should let
William have this one.
Mom, this isn't about me anymore, okay?
I've got to do this for the shut-ins.
A lot of them don't get any sunshine.
They need me to bring it to them.
Sorry I'm late.
There's a dumb mattress in
the middle of the street
on Glenoaks. I'm gonna call it in.
What size is it? Eddie needs a new bed.
It's in the road, Peg.
Well, does that mean stains
or just tire tracks?
Father picks up a little overtime.
Suddenly, we're too fancy
for a street mattress.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Who's on this line? Is that Eddie?
Joey, it's Dad.
What's going on?
Hey, Pop!
We finally got through to KYWW.
We're on hold right now
as caller number 6.
Where are you?
How are you even on this phone?
Okay, full disclosure...
I kinda spliced into our phone line
and ran an extension up to my office.
Turns out I'm pretty technological.
Must've gotten that from you.
You're about to get
something else from me.
Dad!
Don't mess this up!
We've been calling day and night
trying to win this.
No!!
What do you know?
It hit the ground just
like a lead zeppelin.
Hello, caller number 6?
- Who is this?
- Don't hang up, Dad!
Do not hang up!
It's Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio!
Good... you can get the word
out regarding a Sigalert...
... on Glenoaks Avenue.
It's a mattress... probably
fell off a U-Haul.
People don't tie them down
like they're supposed to.
You're killing me, old
man. You're killing me!
Dad, you gotta say the slogan.
- Who am I speaking with?
- Michael Cleary.
The unfortunate father
of two idiot sons who...
Ooh! Sounds like we've got a grumpy dad.
Well, tell me, Grumpy Dad,
are you ready to have
Zeppelin rock your world?
That seems extremely unlikely.
Just repeat our slogan
and win the prize.
"KYWW plays all the hits!" Say it!
"KYWW plays all the hits!"
Please, please, please!
So, what do you say, Grumpster?
I can't just say something
I don't know to be true
on the public airways.
It might be perjury.
We could lose the house.
Ooh! Grumpy Dad is the most!
I don't just give my endorsement
without believing in the product.
You're not endorsing the music!
You're just stating a fact!
There is no way I am saying
"KYWW plays all the hits"
- without first knowing if that...
- He said it! You said it!
- I heard you, Dad! I heard you!
- You said it! He said it!
You just won two tickets
to Led Zeppelin!
Pick 'em up at will-call.
See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad!
Don't forget about that mattress.
We won tickets to Zeppelin!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I believe Grumpy Dad
won those tickets.
Your mom and I used to go to
a lot of concerts together.
You know, I recall one
of our first dates ever
was with Vaughn Monroe and his band
at The Twin Coaches
outside of Pittsburgh.
Dad's talking about the past again.
Oh, my God, this is the same stage
where they shoot the
"Boxcar Benji" show!
Wonderful... Timmy in
his natural habitat,
among the freaks of Hollyweird.
Honey! It's not polite to
call these weirdos freaks.
This is the crate
where Benji always
goes to sleep one off.
And right there is the windowsill
where every week, a lucky junior hobo
tries to steal the widow's pie.
Those of you appearing on-camera
need to report for makeup.
I will not be wearing any makeup.
I am nobody's fop.
I need a number-three base, or
I wash out under the lights.
Okay, kid. Let's go.
Why would you make me come
just to watch Timmy
butcher my favorite hymn?
What if something happens to
Timmy and he can't sing today?
Well, then you would be
here to save the day.
What's gonna happen to Timmy?
I don't know yet.
But in the meantime,
think about the shut-ins.
It brings them joy to see the
shiny faces of children.
Does nothing for me, but
they don't get out much.
So, are you nervous, Timmy Cleary?
This is actually my first
starring role on TV.
Hmm.
It doesn't seem appropriate
for you to think of yourself
as the "star" of this Mass.
I get it.
This is your rodeo.
You want top billing.
No, I simply meant that you should...
Father, they're ready for you.
Stay tuned for Sunday
"Mass for Shut-Ins,"
coming up next.
While Lawrence prepared to record
my historic TV appearance
using the technology of the day,
Joey and Eddie were still trying
to get their hands on my
dad's Zeppelin tickets,
demonstrating a
determination and ingenuity
which would've made Dad proud...
if they weren't also ripping him off.
Pretty good.
And now for the finishing touch.
You really think the guys at will-call
will believe I'm Dad?
Are you kidding? You
look so much like Dad,
you should be calling
yourself an idiot right now.
Timmy's show's about to start.
Nice try, pal.
Idiot.
Hey, hey!
Is there any chance that I might
see Benji around here today?
Oh.
Well, you never know with this guy.
Some days, he flies in
from his private island
on his helicopter
just to sit in his dressing room
and check out his stock portfolio.
He's got a helicopter?
Of course!
You don't think he's
some pathetic burn-out
who moonlights on the weekend and
had to pawn his Daytime Emmy
just to keep up with three alimonies.
That would be sad!
Save your money, kid.
And do not marry women who
are too pretty for you.
Mom, he just said that Boxcar Benji
might be in his dressing room right now!
What are you waiting for?! Go!
It's almost time. I don't want
them starting without me.
How could they? You're
the star of this Mass.
Thank you! Now explain
that to Father Abdi.
All right, places.
Two minutes to air.
Hello?
Hello?!
Where is Timmy? The
program's about to begin!
Sorry, Sister, Timmy left.
I guess William will
have to sing his part.
Timmy left?
One of his brothers has
taken seriously ill.
- Will you be leaving, too?
- Eh, Timmy's got it covered.
Places. One minute to air.
Everyone take their cue from William.
And all I ask from you, my dear boy,
is that you transfix us with
your pure angelic voice,
as you did the other day,
right before your brother came in
and did it just a little better.
I won't let you down, Sister.
More importantly, I won't
let down the music.
S-Since we're one vocalist short,
instead of just moving my
lips, could I maybe...
No!
We're on the air in five, four...
Somebody please open the door!
Hello?!
Welcome to the "Mass for Shut-Ins,"
our weekly broadcast of
the Catholic liturgy.
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Let us begin with an opening hymn.
Come on. Sing.
God's waiting!
I got this.
Hunh! Ungh!
Oh, I'm glad I captured
that for posterity.
If you want something done right...
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord, God Almighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ Early in the morning ♪
Mom's really nice when she
lives in the television.
♪ ... to Thee ♪
♪ Holy, Thou art holy ♪
♪ There is none beside Thee ♪
No! This is the worst thing
to happen to anyone ever!
♪ ... in love and purity ♪
More fan mail for me.
Apparently I'm the reason
"Barry from Culver City Renal Care"
found the strength to soldier on.
Although, he might just
be buttering me up
for one of my kidneys.
- Aww.
- Another one from prison.
Says he's a "fan for life."
I can't believe I got locked out.
I still feel like William had
something to do with it.
He did have motive and opportunity.
- Oh. Here's one for you.
- Really?!
One of your postcards came back.
I don't think the producers
of "The Waltons"
actually live on Walton's Mountain.
Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, and I said knock it off.
You can pick whatever
godless cult you want to
when you turn 18, but for now,
every Sunday, you're in that pew
gutting it out with the rest of us.
I've realized what
happened to me at the show
couldn't have just been an accident.
God struck me mute,
like the Angel Gabriel did to
Zachariah in the Gospel of Luke.
You know the story.
Sure. But... refresh me.
Zachariah was punished
for his lack of faith.
And maybe I was, too.
So I'm back on board with Catholicism...
mainly because I'm
scared to death of God.
Oh, sweetie.
You finally get it.
Mm.
I got 'em.
Now the question is,
what do I do with them?
Give them to Eddie and Joey?
And then wait 2 1/2 hours
to give us a ride home?
I pushed it too far, didn't I?
All right. Here you go.
- Oh!
- Oh, hang on.
These tickets are worth $7?
What do they do, come over after
the concert and paint your house?
That's only face value.
Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.
50 or 60?!
W...
I could see these
people being that dumb.
Dad, come on.
Remember that time you and
your brother skipped school
to see Babe Ruth play
against the Pirates?
Oh, a day I'll never forget.
The Great Bambino hit his
last home run in the majors.
And as he rounded the bases,
he ate 12 hot dogs and
finished a case of beer!
Greatest athlete this
country will ever know.
Exactly.
And Led Zeppelin is our Babe Ruth.
So don't rob us of countless memories
we can bore our kids with.
- Yeah! Thanks, Dad!
- Ah!
I'll meet you at our seats.
For some reason, I need a hot dog.
I got one here! One here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Memories are great, but
60 bucks is 60 bucks.
You're abandoning your
brother to pocket some cash?
Okay, tell you what...
what if I used that cash to buy us both
a nice steak dinner at Sizzler?
We got one here!
One! One here!
Floor seating, section D!
- 60 bucks!
- Section D, we've got one!
- Best deal all night, all night!
- Hey, hey, buddy, you want it?
The sun is out, so I won't
lose a toe to hypothermia.
And I'm feeling less activity
from my bodily parasites!
Sitting there like a couple of lumps.
It's a sin to watch TV
on such a nice day.
It's "Boxcar Benji."
That fake TV hobo?
You should be out in the
fresh air, playing...
with real hobos.
Dodgers are on.
I heard you that...
Dad, you should be out in the
fresh air, playing real baseball.
Funny you bring that up.
When I played high school ball,
there were a few scouts sniffing around.
- I remember the...
- Oh, no, Dad's talking
about the past again.
Figured that would clear the room.
I remember the first time
I tried that particular
trick on the kids...
I'm out of here.
Just me and Don Sutton.
- Give it back!
- I found a heretic in our midst.
What, a Giants fan?
William has been studying
this fake religion
based on those dumb
science-fiction books he reads.
Always reading. I'd hoped
that was just a phase.
It's a science-based thought-system,
much of it just as feasible
as the stuff they teach in church.
"Magor-eology"?
By J. Eldon Gutierrez.
They were handing those out
in front of the vegetarian restaurant.
That's where I'd go to look for suckers.
Bunch of folks willing to spend 2 bucks
on a bowl of grass soup.
It's a philosophy
the Magorian people have used to bring
a trillion years of peace
to their quadrant.
Wouldn't mind a little peace
in my quadrant right now.
Give him his book back, Frank.
Thank you.
It's a slippery slope, Dad.
First Magoreology, then he'll
be hanging out with Lutherans.
Lutherans!
Now that Frank is out of the room,
I don't mind saying I agree with him.
I don't like my kids looking
outside the Catholic Church.
That's why we have all
the stained glass...
so you can't see out.
William's just got a
naturally curious mind.
The other day, he was
asking me about Buddhism.
And you told him?!
Yeah, it's been around for a
while, Mom. It's out there.
Oh, it's "out there," all right.
A big, fat guy stuffing his
wisdom into fortune cookies.
I think that's Confucianism.
Damn right, it's confusing.
All these new religions.
Buddhism's actually
older than Catholicism.
Yeah, well, I'm just hearing
about it, and I don't like it.
Well, I think it's healthy
that William's questioning his beliefs.
Well, you questioned your beliefs
right out of a cushy priest job.
Our religion has a lot of
beautiful, profound ideas
that only work if you don't
look at them too closely.
Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs
wringing their hands, trying
to pick things apart.
That's what synagogues are for.
- Mm-hmm.
- If you think your faith
won't stand up to scrutiny,
why is it so important for
your kids to follow it?
Because it's right.
Other religions feel the same way.
Well, they're wrong.
If you force William to
believe what you believe,
you might just drive him away from it.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe we should back off William
and see how this plays out.
That's the trouble with
smart kids... they're awful.
The dumb ones are awful, too,
but at least you can boss them around.
Eddie, pick up your feet when you walk.
Where have you guys been?
We got up at 3:00 in the morning
to get in line for Zeppelin tickets.
Ooh, it's time for the air show again?
I'm not surprised blimp
day's become a hot ticket.
They're the gentle giants of the sky.
They're talking about the band.
Zeppelin's a band now?
Your generation ruins everything.
Hermits, stones, beetles...
words used to mean something.
Well, we didn't get the tickets
because someone fell
asleep on their shift.
The guy promised he'd wake me
up when the Ticketron opened.
You mean the guy in line behind us
who accused us of cutting
in front of him?
Yeah... Doug.
I am never speaking to Doug again.
You're never seeing him again.
How about at the concert?
Doug'll be there.
But we won't... because of you!
Because of Doug.
If we had to depend on
you two in the war,
we'd all be speaking German right now.
That would be really helpful.
I cannot get through my
foreign language requirement.
I'm surprised you're giving up so easy.
You always seem to have a connection
for concert tickets and fireworks.
And a koala that one time.
Ohh. Pat's best birthday yet.
Yeah.
I got Mousey and Ray-Ray
beating the streets,
but so far, all they could
score me was "Ice Capades."
But I might be able to set you
up for that air show, Dad.
I'll take two for blimp day.
And, uh, some more of those
hot dog vouchers. Hmm?
Is this tie too flashy for Mass, hon?
Huh. Didn't realize I was
married to Liberace.
Wear the brown one.
There you are... the
last place I checked.
Why aren't you wearing pants?
They wouldn't fit over my shoes,
but that's not why I'm here.
Don't feel bad, pal. I
blew it with my tie.
William says he's not
going to church today.
Nonsense. You tell him he's going.
- And put your pants on.
- I mean,
I can try again, but...
Take your shoes off first.
Ohh!
So, now William doesn't want
to go to church at all.
Well, I guess we clamp down
before his doubts about
religion affect the other kids.
We don't want them catching on.
You mean we don't want
the others doubting it?
Sure.
Well, his problem is, he sits
in Mass thinking about stuff.
We need to find him a distraction...
like when the baby and Eddie get fussy,
I give them my keys to play with.
And Pat likes how the pew
vibrates under his butt
when the organ plays a low note.
What on God's green Earth?!
Sounds like you're playing
Hell's national anthem.
I'm just practicing
scales on my theremin.
- Oh.
- I was hoping to skip Mass today
to learn the theme from "Star Trek."
I know how into music you are.
Father Abdi says
you're a once-in-a-generation
musical talent.
Would you knock that off?
Wait. You were talking
to Father Abdi about me?
Just the other day,
when I was teaching him
how Americans use stairs,
he asked about you getting
involved with the boys' choir.
- Our choir?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and do you know why our
church calls it a choir?
Because when they sing,
it's so terrible,
you... cwy.
Sure, Timmy made a bad joke,
but even in the worst comedy,
there's a germ of truth.
Our choir stinks.
That's all I wanted to communicate.
I thank ye.
Look, that's why Father Abdi needs you.
He was hoping you'd
listen during Mass today
and give suggestions.
And they'll take them seriously?
That's what the Catholic
Church is known for...
always welcoming new ideas.
♪ Holy God, we praise Thy Name ♪
Tempo. Tempo! Come on, people!
♪ Lord of all, we bow before Thee ♪
Terrible. It's just appalling.
Cut 'em some slack. Their
voices are changing.
Not changing enough.
Ohh!
♪ Everlasting is Thy reign ♪
Ooh! That hymn tickles my butt!
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Coming down the tracks
on this two-for-Tuesday,
a double shot of Grand Funk Railroad.
What's your finger doing,
besides putting undue stress
on the rotary mechanism?
KYWW has tickets to Led Zeppelin.
You call in to win.
But you have to say, "KYWW
plays all the hits."
Now that I understand
it, I care even less.
Hang up. I like to keep that line open.
Dad, c'mon! You never get calls.
I work in the defense industry,
so I must be reachable
at all times in case of
a national emergency.
What'd I tell you?
Mike Cleary.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Well, that's intriguing.
You confirmed those
figures with the Colonel?
And everybody up at HQ?
Okay. I'll be there.
Peggy, Kentucky Fried
Chicken has a meal deal...
a bucket, fixins, plus free slaw!
Clowns almost made me miss that.
Honey, I told you...
tonight we are dining with the Colonel.
We need a fresh vegetable, so
I'm opening a can of beans.
Well, this just about tears it!
I am fit to be tied!
Oh, Frank, stop talking
like an elderly person.
William staged a power-grab
at choir practice.
Came in throwing "suggestions"
at Sister Euphemia,
who rolled over like an Irish Setter.
Sounds like you got
William back in the fold.
Yeah, but I didn't realize
it would upset Frank.
So that's just gravy.
Mmm. Savory country gravy.
Time to pick up the chicken.
Mm.
Hey, I hear you're whipping
the choir into shape.
Good job.
I hear Frank isn't too happy about it.
He's mad because he thinks
his voice is a tenor.
I would rank it more of
a four-and-a-halfer.
Yes, it's a bad joke,
but it doesn't diminish the
importance of the message.
- Frank stinks.
- You can't kick him out.
They already spent good
money on that special robe
that makes him look like
he's got shoulders.
I told him he can stay
if he just moves his lips
without making any noise.
Oh, if only I could get him
to do that around here.
We sounded really good tonight.
In fact, Father Abdi stopped
by and asked us to sing
on the "Mass for Shut-Ins"
show this Sunday.
What do you know?
Because of church,
you're gonna sing on TV.
Acoustics in our house
were a funny thing.
Sometimes, I couldn't
hear my mother tell me
to pick up a dirty
sock from 2 feet away,
... on TV... on TV... but other times...
You hear that, Timmy?
William's gonna sing on TV?
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
♪ Merciful and mighty ♪
♪ God in three persons ♪
♪ Blessed Trinity ♪
William, your lovely
voice has drawn from me
long-dormant feelings...
passions, innocence untouched,
but longing... so much longing.
I'm... sorry, Sister.
No. You were wonderful.
I think we have found our soloist!
Excuse me, Sister.
I'd like to audition for the solo.
What are you doing here?
Isn't it obvious?
Timmy can never stand anybody
getting more attention than him.
He'd climb up on that cross
if he wasn't scared of splinters.
Listen, Ruth, William's a doll,
and he'd be fine if this
was just a church gig,
but on television, you're
competing for eyeballs.
There are, like, four channels now.
So you have got to pop out
of that screen and grab 'em!
Let me give you a little taste.
Billy, B-flat.
♪ Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy ♪
- ♪ Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy ♪
- Yeah!
- ♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Holy, holy-holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord, God Almighty ♪ Almighty!
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Early in the morning ♪
- ♪ O-o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ My song shall rise to ♪
♪ Thee, Thee, Thee, Thee ♪
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Merciful and mighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ God in three persons ♪
- ♪ O-o-oh ♪
- ♪ The blessed Trinity-ty-ty-ty ♪
♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord God Almighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Ba-da, ba, ba-da ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ The blessed Trinity ♪
Who are you sending those postcards to?
Show business power players...
Lew Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick.
Folks who'll want to catch
my solo Sunday morning.
I'm gonna be the first
person in our family on TV.
Not true. Your cousin
Brenda used to pal around
with those Manson girls.
She made it into all the
courtroom sketches.
It seems very unlikely to me
that your industry big shots
are gonna be watching
the "Mass for Shut-Ins."
You mean a guy like Lew Wasserman,
running a big studio?
I doubt he has time to get to Mass.
You took a beautiful hymn
and made it an abomination!
Sounds like you might be jealous
somebody took your solo.
I care about honoring the music.
You don't add a whoopee
cushion to Mozart.
You do if you want to
get butts in the seats.
You've taken the one thing
I like about church
and you made it about butts.
My mom's plan was starting to unravel.
She now worried William might
stop making music for
the Catholic Church
and end up making music at the airport,
with a shaved head and a tambourine.
You know, Timmy...
you're gonna have plenty of
opportunities to be on TV.
Maybe you should let
William have this one.
Mom, this isn't about me anymore, okay?
I've got to do this for the shut-ins.
A lot of them don't get any sunshine.
They need me to bring it to them.
Sorry I'm late.
There's a dumb mattress in
the middle of the street
on Glenoaks. I'm gonna call it in.
What size is it? Eddie needs a new bed.
It's in the road, Peg.
Well, does that mean stains
or just tire tracks?
Father picks up a little overtime.
Suddenly, we're too fancy
for a street mattress.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Who's on this line? Is that Eddie?
Joey, it's Dad.
What's going on?
Hey, Pop!
We finally got through to KYWW.
We're on hold right now
as caller number 6.
Where are you?
How are you even on this phone?
Okay, full disclosure...
I kinda spliced into our phone line
and ran an extension up to my office.
Turns out I'm pretty technological.
Must've gotten that from you.
You're about to get
something else from me.
Dad!
Don't mess this up!
We've been calling day and night
trying to win this.
No!!
What do you know?
It hit the ground just
like a lead zeppelin.
Hello, caller number 6?
- Who is this?
- Don't hang up, Dad!
Do not hang up!
It's Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio!
Good... you can get the word
out regarding a Sigalert...
... on Glenoaks Avenue.
It's a mattress... probably
fell off a U-Haul.
People don't tie them down
like they're supposed to.
You're killing me, old
man. You're killing me!
Dad, you gotta say the slogan.
- Who am I speaking with?
- Michael Cleary.
The unfortunate father
of two idiot sons who...
Ooh! Sounds like we've got a grumpy dad.
Well, tell me, Grumpy Dad,
are you ready to have
Zeppelin rock your world?
That seems extremely unlikely.
Just repeat our slogan
and win the prize.
"KYWW plays all the hits!" Say it!
"KYWW plays all the hits!"
Please, please, please!
So, what do you say, Grumpster?
I can't just say something
I don't know to be true
on the public airways.
It might be perjury.
We could lose the house.
Ooh! Grumpy Dad is the most!
I don't just give my endorsement
without believing in the product.
You're not endorsing the music!
You're just stating a fact!
There is no way I am saying
"KYWW plays all the hits"
- without first knowing if that...
- He said it! You said it!
- I heard you, Dad! I heard you!
- You said it! He said it!
You just won two tickets
to Led Zeppelin!
Pick 'em up at will-call.
See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad!
Don't forget about that mattress.
We won tickets to Zeppelin!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I believe Grumpy Dad
won those tickets.
Your mom and I used to go to
a lot of concerts together.
You know, I recall one
of our first dates ever
was with Vaughn Monroe and his band
at The Twin Coaches
outside of Pittsburgh.
Dad's talking about the past again.
Oh, my God, this is the same stage
where they shoot the
"Boxcar Benji" show!
Wonderful... Timmy in
his natural habitat,
among the freaks of Hollyweird.
Honey! It's not polite to
call these weirdos freaks.
This is the crate
where Benji always
goes to sleep one off.
And right there is the windowsill
where every week, a lucky junior hobo
tries to steal the widow's pie.
Those of you appearing on-camera
need to report for makeup.
I will not be wearing any makeup.
I am nobody's fop.
I need a number-three base, or
I wash out under the lights.
Okay, kid. Let's go.
Why would you make me come
just to watch Timmy
butcher my favorite hymn?
What if something happens to
Timmy and he can't sing today?
Well, then you would be
here to save the day.
What's gonna happen to Timmy?
I don't know yet.
But in the meantime,
think about the shut-ins.
It brings them joy to see the
shiny faces of children.
Does nothing for me, but
they don't get out much.
So, are you nervous, Timmy Cleary?
This is actually my first
starring role on TV.
Hmm.
It doesn't seem appropriate
for you to think of yourself
as the "star" of this Mass.
I get it.
This is your rodeo.
You want top billing.
No, I simply meant that you should...
Father, they're ready for you.
Stay tuned for Sunday
"Mass for Shut-Ins,"
coming up next.
While Lawrence prepared to record
my historic TV appearance
using the technology of the day,
Joey and Eddie were still trying
to get their hands on my
dad's Zeppelin tickets,
demonstrating a
determination and ingenuity
which would've made Dad proud...
if they weren't also ripping him off.
Pretty good.
And now for the finishing touch.
You really think the guys at will-call
will believe I'm Dad?
Are you kidding? You
look so much like Dad,
you should be calling
yourself an idiot right now.
Timmy's show's about to start.
Nice try, pal.
Idiot.
Hey, hey!
Is there any chance that I might
see Benji around here today?
Oh.
Well, you never know with this guy.
Some days, he flies in
from his private island
on his helicopter
just to sit in his dressing room
and check out his stock portfolio.
He's got a helicopter?
Of course!
You don't think he's
some pathetic burn-out
who moonlights on the weekend and
had to pawn his Daytime Emmy
just to keep up with three alimonies.
That would be sad!
Save your money, kid.
And do not marry women who
are too pretty for you.
Mom, he just said that Boxcar Benji
might be in his dressing room right now!
What are you waiting for?! Go!
It's almost time. I don't want
them starting without me.
How could they? You're
the star of this Mass.
Thank you! Now explain
that to Father Abdi.
All right, places.
Two minutes to air.
Hello?
Hello?!
Where is Timmy? The
program's about to begin!
Sorry, Sister, Timmy left.
I guess William will
have to sing his part.
Timmy left?
One of his brothers has
taken seriously ill.
- Will you be leaving, too?
- Eh, Timmy's got it covered.
Places. One minute to air.
Everyone take their cue from William.
And all I ask from you, my dear boy,
is that you transfix us with
your pure angelic voice,
as you did the other day,
right before your brother came in
and did it just a little better.
I won't let you down, Sister.
More importantly, I won't
let down the music.
S-Since we're one vocalist short,
instead of just moving my
lips, could I maybe...
No!
We're on the air in five, four...
Somebody please open the door!
Hello?!
Welcome to the "Mass for Shut-Ins,"
our weekly broadcast of
the Catholic liturgy.
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Let us begin with an opening hymn.
Come on. Sing.
God's waiting!
I got this.
Hunh! Ungh!
Oh, I'm glad I captured
that for posterity.
If you want something done right...
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Lord, God Almighty ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh ♪
- ♪ Early in the morning ♪
Mom's really nice when she
lives in the television.
♪ ... to Thee ♪
♪ Holy, Thou art holy ♪
♪ There is none beside Thee ♪
No! This is the worst thing
to happen to anyone ever!
♪ ... in love and purity ♪
More fan mail for me.
Apparently I'm the reason
"Barry from Culver City Renal Care"
found the strength to soldier on.
Although, he might just
be buttering me up
for one of my kidneys.
- Aww.
- Another one from prison.
Says he's a "fan for life."
I can't believe I got locked out.
I still feel like William had
something to do with it.
He did have motive and opportunity.
- Oh. Here's one for you.
- Really?!
One of your postcards came back.
I don't think the producers
of "The Waltons"
actually live on Walton's Mountain.
Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, and I said knock it off.
You can pick whatever
godless cult you want to
when you turn 18, but for now,
every Sunday, you're in that pew
gutting it out with the rest of us.
I've realized what
happened to me at the show
couldn't have just been an accident.
God struck me mute,
like the Angel Gabriel did to
Zachariah in the Gospel of Luke.
You know the story.
Sure. But... refresh me.
Zachariah was punished
for his lack of faith.
And maybe I was, too.
So I'm back on board with Catholicism...
mainly because I'm
scared to death of God.
Oh, sweetie.
You finally get it.
Mm.
I got 'em.
Now the question is,
what do I do with them?
Give them to Eddie and Joey?
And then wait 2 1/2 hours
to give us a ride home?
I pushed it too far, didn't I?
All right. Here you go.
- Oh!
- Oh, hang on.
These tickets are worth $7?
What do they do, come over after
the concert and paint your house?
That's only face value.
Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.
50 or 60?!
W...
I could see these
people being that dumb.
Dad, come on.
Remember that time you and
your brother skipped school
to see Babe Ruth play
against the Pirates?
Oh, a day I'll never forget.
The Great Bambino hit his
last home run in the majors.
And as he rounded the bases,
he ate 12 hot dogs and
finished a case of beer!
Greatest athlete this
country will ever know.
Exactly.
And Led Zeppelin is our Babe Ruth.
So don't rob us of countless memories
we can bore our kids with.
- Yeah! Thanks, Dad!
- Ah!
I'll meet you at our seats.
For some reason, I need a hot dog.
I got one here! One here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Memories are great, but
60 bucks is 60 bucks.
You're abandoning your
brother to pocket some cash?
Okay, tell you what...
what if I used that cash to buy us both
a nice steak dinner at Sizzler?
We got one here!
One! One here!
Floor seating, section D!
- 60 bucks!
- Section D, we've got one!
- Best deal all night, all night!
- Hey, hey, buddy, you want it?