The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Episode #1.18 - full transcript
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- May I help you, ma'am?
- I want one of those charge cards
you banks are handing out.
It's not quite as simple as that.
Oh, please. Fred Flintstone has one,
and he lives in a cartoon.
I would need to speak
to your husband about this.
He's gonna tell you the same thing...
He's the one who watches
"The Flintstones."
And I'm kind of in a hurry.
I was at the market next door,
I came up six dollars short,
and I had to leave
my frozen food at the checkout counter.
You've got to be kidding me.
We need to open up another register.
I'm sure she'll be right back.
I have perishables!
As you can see, Mrs. Cleary,
you can't get a card on your own
without Mr. Cleary co-signing.
And why not?
The bank is nervous about gals
getting carried away
at the department store.
What if you bought a dozen hats
and then couldn't pay for them?
I would never put something on
my head that wasn't paid for.
Give this application to Mr. Cleary
or any male family member...
a father, brother.
Do you have an adult son?
You would trust one of my idiot sons,
and you won't trust me with six dollars?
We have an account here.
It's in your husband's name.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you
without him present.
What if I told you I had a gun?
The woman says she has a gun.
This was funny back in 1972,
because back then
there were still a few people
who didn't carry guns.
Now, if your husband came in here
and said that he had a gun,
um, that I would take seriously.
My dad had always
done all the shopping...
watching every penny like a hawk.
A hawk who had lived through
the Great hawk Depression.
When my mom got her license,
she took over this chore,
but he couldn't help second-guessing.
You didn't buy Raisin Bran?
How am I gonna get the trains moving?
They had a two-for-one deal
on Shredded Wheat.
Eh, it's not a deal if nobody eats it.
Oh, they'll eat it,
whether they know it or not.
Can I see the receipt?
I'd love to daydream
about the lake house I'll buy
with all that Shredded Wheat savings.
- Lawrence.
- Aah!
Wendi, sorry.
I thought you were that possum.
A possum knows your name?
I need a hand with something.
Sure, but, uh, where's Eddie?
He's what I need a hand with.
We went to this sunrise
wedding at the beach.
- Groovy.
- Pretty nice.
Uh, the romantic mood was dampened
- by a rotting whale carcass.
- Yeah.
Anyway, certain substances
were passed around
and hit Eddie pretty hard.
He wound up skinny dipping
with most of the groomsmen
- and the grandfather of the bride.
- But he's okay?
He's asleep in the back
of the station wagon.
I never found his clothes
but covered him in beach towels
and a discarded bridesmaid dress.
Sounds like a good time.
I hoped I could get him into bed
without your parents knowing,
but he's heavy...
- we might even need Frank's help.
- Not advisable.
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey.
I'm cool either way,
but did I just hear,
like, a-a girl's voice in here
behind a closed door?
I can promise you
there's no girl in here.
I wouldn't mind or tell anyone,
just maybe congratulate you
on your romantic proficiency.
Thanks, man.
Carry on.
Thirty cents a pound for ground beef.
- Attagirl.
- I asked for the stuff in the back
that was past its expiration date.
Oh, here's something else
for you to look at.
- I stopped over at the bank.
- The bank?
I'm also thinking about getting a gun.
That's crazy. A charge card?
So I don't have to talk with you
every time I do the shopping.
I don't mind you coming to me.
Gives us a new area for conversation.
It gets a little stale
always talking about
how dumb the kids are.
That's a well that never runs dry.
This one choked on his fist today.
It was hysterical.
I'm just saying, a charge card
would make things easier.
Lucifer's apple.
Tricking women into spending
beyond their means...
going crazy, buying a bunch of hats.
Ha!
Wait a minute. That's not right.
I knew it!
I don't know what you were
referring to, but I concur.
That cashier at the market's a thief.
And not much of a babysitter, either.
She charged me for one
of my "free" Shredded Wheats.
Did she at least give you green stamps?
She did not.
- Where's the station wagon?
- Out front.
Maybe they pulled this crap on Mike
but not on me, buster!
Unbelievable. Enough is enough!
Hi, Mrs. Cleary.
Oh, no.
What'd you jackals do to your mom?
- We have no idea!
- Nothing worse than usual.
She drove away.
In the station wagon? No!
Did you leave something in the car?
Just a... sun hat.
You women with your hats.
So, who set her off this time?
It was me! She knows!
Mom knows everything!
Any idea where she might be going?
I'm just really worried about that hat.
She does this kind of thing sometimes.
A possum just leapt out of my freezer!
Sorry, we really thought he was dead.
Yeah, he must've been playing po...
That's where that expression comes from!
I have had it with your shenanigans!
Enough... is enough!
- Mom!
- We just didn't want him to smell
before the service!
As bad as it felt when Mom yelled at us,
it was exponentially worse
when she simply withdrew to her room
with the clear implication that
we'd lost her love forever.
Mom, we'll never do it again, I swear!
I didn't even know about it,
but I'm sorry, too!
Usually when she's upset like this,
she locks herself
in her room for an hour.
Yeah, but now she's in
a room with wheels,
and it can go anywhere!
What were we thinking when
we let her get a license?
You savages better hope
that she comes back,
because without that woman,
you're all in the streets
eating garbage.
So the food will be better.
It was nice knowing you all.
I'm gonna go live in
the wilderness like Mowgli.
I keep thinking I may be
responsible for this.
It's that darn smart mouth of mine.
Mom said, "Good morning,"
and I said, "Is it?"
I can be rather salty
before I've had my cocoa.
Pretty sure you're in the clear.
What's the point of sweating
about who did what?
Eventually, Mom will come home
and squash one of us.
Make the most of the time you have...
enjoy the things you cherish.
I'm gonna nap,
then call the bowling alley
and ask if they have ten-pound balls.
Hey, was Mom in here before?
I don't know.
'Cause my bag was here
and now it's here.
I run my whole business out of that bag.
Joey's business was procuring girls
for hormonally over-eager teenage boys.
Not actual girls, but
their lovely, undraped images.
Then he realized
he could maximize profits
by breaking the images down
into their individual parts.
I've got a kid who just wants feet.
Hey, we use every part of the buffalo,
which is actually where
Tiffani goes to Law School.
I think you're in the clear, man.
Nothing you do is gonna shock Mom
- after the stuff you've pulled.
- That's true.
She's totally given up
on my immortal soul.
Unfortunately, she still
has hope for me.
I think I know what set her off.
Remember that stain I got
on her nice tablecloth?
I will now perform the "Immovable Feast"
using Mom's linen tablecloth
from her grandmother.
Behold, as the tablecloth moves
but the dinner...
...stands still!
Like many misdeeds from the 1970s,
my cover-up was worse than the crime.
I'll just get in the box,
and you can bury me.
I've seen worse.
Spaghetti sauce is a piece
of cake compared to blood.
Or cake.
Relax, I've got a guy.
Mom won.
She not only got the Shredded
Wheat they owed her,
but the store took the money for it
out of the cashier's paycheck.
What in the blazes?
Pat?
It's like they're trying
to put me in the nuthouse.
Fearing my mom never stopped
my brothers and me
from trying to get away
with stuff, but not Pat.
He believed our mother was omniscient.
And that's just how she liked it.
That suitcase must be
getting awfully heavy.
Just some clothes, and a toothbrush...
And your pet bricks?
- You really do know everything.
- And don't you forget it.
- William!
- Yeah.
Give me a hand here.
With your mom gone AWOL,
can you help me get Andy
ready for his day?
His day? Does he have
an important business meeting?
I'm sorry, Dad. That's my
smart mouth rearing up again.
I don't think a kid should lay
around all day in his pajamas.
Lack of structure is the surest
road to mental illness.
You take care of this whole deal.
It might help smooth things over
with your mom.
Wait, you think she's mad at me?
Could be any one of you kids.
The only thing we know for sure is,
it ain't me.
It was then Dad realized
that he might be the culprit.
- I'm an idiot.
- No argument here.
Wow, I'm so sorry, Dad.
I've got to get some more cocoa in me.
Maybe we should drive around,
see if we can find your mom
before she finds Eddie in the backseat,
spare them both the embarrassment.
Or be right there to see it play out.
Let me grab a sweatshirt...
and a camera.
Holy crap.
That is blasphemy, mister.
Unless you're talking about a diaper
left in the manger by Baby Jesus.
Is this maybe the reason
Mom was so upset?
Was she out here with my journal
before she ran off?
Frank knew Mom was angry
at the store cashier
but decided to exploit the situation
for his own twisted agenda.
Yes. Right before.
Yeah, she totally read it.
Who else around here would do
something so insensitive?
He talks about Mom, like, on every page.
What's a "raging narcissist"?
It's "raging," so it's not good.
Oh, this is too juicy.
I can read this thing all...
Hey, those two squirrels are doin' it.
But what in your journal
could've upset Mom?
It's not like there's anything
negative to be said about her.
Did you compliment her too much?
Sometimes when I do that,
it gets on her nerves.
I don't know how I'm gonna face
her when she gets back, man.
When Mom and I talk about you...
and we often do...
an especially sore subject
is that San Francisco-style rat's nest.
- My hair bothers her that much?
- Mm.
- She hasn't said anything to me.
- Well, you know Mom.
She doesn't like to criticize.
But it would be a nice gesture
if you went out and
got a respectable crew-cut.
It's just...
chicks dig it, man.
I know one very important "chick"
who looks at it and "dies inside"...
her words.
- Can we go?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
There's actually something
I need to go do.
One dirty hippie down,
five million to go.
I had to run away after the thing I did.
- But you already know all about it.
- Of course I do.
But I like hearing you say
exactly what you're sorry about.
Two days ago, I put an ice cube
up my nose, and it got stuck.
I didn't tell anyone,
so now I have an ice cube
in my nose forever.
Not forever.
But it is gonna be a painful
and expensive surgery.
What's this hullabaloo?
Excuse me. Can I get through?
Nope. Road's closed.
I need to get this child home
for his treatment.
Look at him. He's obviously not right.
I need a painful and expensive surgery.
Oh, looks like a tough little guy,
uh, despite his obstacles,
but we won't be finished here
'til like six.
You want to go down to
the second corner, make a right,
take the underpass, then a right,
then another right,
and then, uh, veer left...
- you'll be good.
- Right, right, underpass...
My mom doesn't need you
telling her where to go.
- She knows everything.
- Absolutely.
I've got it.
We'll be okay.
Yes, you will, little soldier.
Yes, you will.
Here you go.
My sister's kid
wears protective headgear.
- It's a big help.
- Hooray!
Oh, Wendi.
I need your woman ears on something.
Earlier, Mrs. Cleary gave me
this charge card application,
and I said no for a host
of excellent reasons.
- Like what?
- I-Innumerable,
each one better than the last.
You think it's possible
that this is what threw her
into a tizzy?
I'd be very offended
if I felt my husband
didn't trust me with money.
I give Peggy an allowance every week.
- Like a child.
- No!
I don't give my children an allowance.
Their allowance is me allowance-ing them
- to live in my house.
- And Mrs. Cleary's house.
Fine, Helen Reddy, it's her house, too.
Maybe I need to go and find her.
- Can I come?
- If you want.
It's weird she hasn't come home.
She might've run out of gas
and, you know,
- doesn't have a charge card.
- You're right.
She's a space cadet when it
comes to watching the gauge.
What is that stuff?
Dry-cleaning chemicals.
- Your friend's a dry cleaner?
- Well, Sid's a pool guy,
and he does some embalming on the side,
but he swears it's all the same stuff.
Is it safe?
Uh, they put it in pools
and dead people, so, yeah.
Although...
...it smells "pwitty"...
You said "pwitty,"
not "pwitty."
For some reason I can't say...
Joey.
Joey, how long were we...
An hour.
In retrospect, we probably
should've cracked a window.
An hour?! What's this stuff done to...
It worked!
- It's all clean!
- Yeah, it's pretty!
Hey, I can say "pretty" again!
Let's dry it out in the sun
before Mom gets home.
Cool! Check it out.
No more fingerprints.
♪ You put your right foot in ♪
♪ You put your left foot in ♪
- ♪ You do the Hokey Pokey ♪
- It's a right, then a left...
- ♪ And you turn yourself around ♪
- ...then another left...
- ♪ Then put your left foot in ♪
- ...then another right...
- Right!
- That's not it.
- Pat, you need to stop singing that song.
- Why?
Do you know what a "Hokey Pokey" is?
It's a stew cannibals make.
"Put your left foot in.
Put your right foot in."
It's not a song. It's a recipe.
That's what it's all about?
Before GPS, getting lost was
a thing that actually happened.
Are we lost, Mommy?
How could we be lost
when I know everything?
I do have to pull over and
make a call to the doctor
to schedule your nose surgery.
I can't even feel it up there anymore.
That's not a good sign.
I get why we looked for her
at the church,
but the gun store?
Ah, it's just something
she said in passing.
On "Columbo," it's usually
the most important clue.
Where could she have gone?
It's dry! I-I think it looks
even better than before.
We should fold it up before those
squirrels decide it's the grotto
at the Playboy Mansion.
Are we sure it wasn't already like that?
Cleary residence.
Will you accept a collect call
from Mrs. Michael Cleary?
We'd all been trained from birth
not to ever accept
collect calls, no matter what.
Which is why we never got to say goodbye
- to our Great-Aunt Esther.
- Come on, come on...
We do not accept collect calls
no matter what.
I can't pay for the call, operator.
I had to use all my change
at the supermarket yesterday
because I didn't have a gun.
Hi, Eddie!
Shh! Don't tell Mom you saw me.
I'm gonna thumb a ride home.
Which, in this outfit's either gonna
be really hard or really easy.
You can't fool Mom.
She already knows you're here.
Yes, I know you think that
because you think Mom knows everything.
I think that because she's right there.
I don't see her.
Then I don't know where else to look.
Why did you think she might come here?
Well, this place is kind of
a running joke for us.
Any time we argue,
Peggy threatens to run off
to the bar at the Ambassador Hotel.
Isn't this where Robert Kennedy...
Yeah, and another infamous event...
Peg and I honeymooned here
back when a room went for top dollar,
before the Sirhan Sirhan
discount kicked in.
I'll have a Chablis.
I meant to say a "lemonade."
I'll have a water.
So, I thought she'd like that I splurged
for a $40 room for our honeymoon.
But Peggy got mad at me
for wasting our money.
Somewhere mid-ceremony,
it became our money.
I had cash in the bank
and savings bonds.
The only thing of value
she brought to the table
was her grandmother's linen tablecloth.
And the fact that you loved her.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
That was our first big fight.
After I cooled off, I came down here,
I found her, we made up.
Thank God she came to her senses
and apologized to me.
She apologized to you?
I thought the whole money issue
was settled.
That's why this charge card
thing is such a puzzler.
It's not that hard of a puzzle
to put together, Mr. Cleary.
Kind of like Baby Andy's cow puzzle.
Just a cow and a cow-shaped hole.
That puzzle was Eddie's.
Tripped him up for years.
Sir.
See that?
He looked at the two of us
together and decided
you're the one who's going to pay.
Oh, that's 'cause he doesn't know me.
This is what Mrs. Cleary
is dealing with.
Everyone assumes she needs
a man to pay her way,
even for a 60-cent lemonade.
60 cents?
You feel it's your money because
your name is on the paycheck,
while, in so many ways,
she supports your life
so you're free to earn that check.
But the world doesn't value
what she does.
It's a double standard.
So, what Peggy does,
puttering around the house,
is somehow comparable to my job?
I literally helped put
Neil Armstrong on the moon.
She literally helped Eddie
finally put that cow in the hole.
He'd have figured it out eventually.
He got the pig right away.
Excuse me, Miss.
You need to take
your business elsewhere.
- My business?
- What's going on, pal?
We do not allow solicitation
on these premises.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is my son's girlfriend.
Oh, I haven't heard that one before.
Usually it's the "niece."
I'm not soliciting anything.
In fact, I even paid
for my own lemonade.
You're free to stay
and enjoy your drink, sir,
but she has to go.
Now, that is a heck
of a double standard.
If I am paying for
the company of this woman,
I am just as much a lawbreaker
as my prostitute here!
- I'm no one's...
- Fine, then you can go, too.
Oh, I'd like to see you try and make me.
Let's just leave, Mr. Cleary.
Do I have to call the authorities?
You know what? Call 'em.
I'll report you for the crime
of a 60-cent lemonade.
I'll have you know,
this is a very nice dress.
I bought it at The Limited.
It was a crazy scene...
everyone tearing their clothes
off and jumping in the water.
And I never would've done it
if I hadn't smoked so much p... p...
peer pressure.
Okay, I'm in the mood to be merciful.
I need to get Pat home,
and I may not know
exactly where our home is at the moment.
Oh, so you're lost.
That's not something
you're gonna let anybody know,
especially that little boy.
He thinks I'm a god.
It'd be cruel to spoil that for him.
It's like telling a child
there's no Tooth Fairy.
We never had the Tooth Fairy.
If I let you kids make money off teeth,
I'd have to hide the pliers.
What do you think?
- Is that the right shade of green?
- Yeah.
I think it looks "pwitty"...
Uh-oh.
Eddie. Mrs. Cleary.
You're home, and you found Eddie,
so it's all okay?
And my mom knows everything.
Of course she knows everything!
She's Mom!
I'm gonna go pack a hospital bag.
You need to put some clothes on.
You got stuff hanging out
nobody wants to see.
Same with you, dear,
but you're some other mother's problem.
Okay, maybe it is
a little revealing, but...
that's the fashion!
More Shredded Wheat.
Nice! I knew you'd set
that store straight.
I hope you got that cashier fired.
- Nope, but I made her cry.
- Excellent.
Mom, uh,
I know you were hurt by
what you read this morning...
For the love of Pete,
what'd you do to your hair?!
I thought you didn't like it.
Well, what gave you
that cockamamie notion?
That crazy mop was the only
thing setting you apart.
Now you're gonna have to work
on your personality.
I'm gonna cut something off of you!
What are you looking at?
Just noticing how good the lawn looks.
So, listen,
I put it together after you drove off
that you were mad at me for what I did.
Yes. What you did.
I thought about it, and I'm sorry.
You should be.
I had to drive around
for hours to cool down.
But just so we can move on,
why don't you say
why you did what you did
and also what you did?
So, it wasn't me that you were mad at.
Took a shot. Always works on the kids.
Yeah, but I'm not the kids.
You're my wife, and we're in
this whole shebang together,
so here.
I stopped by the bank and got that.
It's a temporary.
The real one will come in a week or so.
This means a lot, Mike.
Mostly because I know how hard
it must've been for you.
Well, it's not just my money. It's...
- ...our money.
- Aww.
This reminds me of our first fight.
We should go to the Ambassador Hotel
and have a drink.
Yeah, I can't go there anymore.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
www.addic7ed.com
- May I help you, ma'am?
- I want one of those charge cards
you banks are handing out.
It's not quite as simple as that.
Oh, please. Fred Flintstone has one,
and he lives in a cartoon.
I would need to speak
to your husband about this.
He's gonna tell you the same thing...
He's the one who watches
"The Flintstones."
And I'm kind of in a hurry.
I was at the market next door,
I came up six dollars short,
and I had to leave
my frozen food at the checkout counter.
You've got to be kidding me.
We need to open up another register.
I'm sure she'll be right back.
I have perishables!
As you can see, Mrs. Cleary,
you can't get a card on your own
without Mr. Cleary co-signing.
And why not?
The bank is nervous about gals
getting carried away
at the department store.
What if you bought a dozen hats
and then couldn't pay for them?
I would never put something on
my head that wasn't paid for.
Give this application to Mr. Cleary
or any male family member...
a father, brother.
Do you have an adult son?
You would trust one of my idiot sons,
and you won't trust me with six dollars?
We have an account here.
It's in your husband's name.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you
without him present.
What if I told you I had a gun?
The woman says she has a gun.
This was funny back in 1972,
because back then
there were still a few people
who didn't carry guns.
Now, if your husband came in here
and said that he had a gun,
um, that I would take seriously.
My dad had always
done all the shopping...
watching every penny like a hawk.
A hawk who had lived through
the Great hawk Depression.
When my mom got her license,
she took over this chore,
but he couldn't help second-guessing.
You didn't buy Raisin Bran?
How am I gonna get the trains moving?
They had a two-for-one deal
on Shredded Wheat.
Eh, it's not a deal if nobody eats it.
Oh, they'll eat it,
whether they know it or not.
Can I see the receipt?
I'd love to daydream
about the lake house I'll buy
with all that Shredded Wheat savings.
- Lawrence.
- Aah!
Wendi, sorry.
I thought you were that possum.
A possum knows your name?
I need a hand with something.
Sure, but, uh, where's Eddie?
He's what I need a hand with.
We went to this sunrise
wedding at the beach.
- Groovy.
- Pretty nice.
Uh, the romantic mood was dampened
- by a rotting whale carcass.
- Yeah.
Anyway, certain substances
were passed around
and hit Eddie pretty hard.
He wound up skinny dipping
with most of the groomsmen
- and the grandfather of the bride.
- But he's okay?
He's asleep in the back
of the station wagon.
I never found his clothes
but covered him in beach towels
and a discarded bridesmaid dress.
Sounds like a good time.
I hoped I could get him into bed
without your parents knowing,
but he's heavy...
- we might even need Frank's help.
- Not advisable.
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey.
I'm cool either way,
but did I just hear,
like, a-a girl's voice in here
behind a closed door?
I can promise you
there's no girl in here.
I wouldn't mind or tell anyone,
just maybe congratulate you
on your romantic proficiency.
Thanks, man.
Carry on.
Thirty cents a pound for ground beef.
- Attagirl.
- I asked for the stuff in the back
that was past its expiration date.
Oh, here's something else
for you to look at.
- I stopped over at the bank.
- The bank?
I'm also thinking about getting a gun.
That's crazy. A charge card?
So I don't have to talk with you
every time I do the shopping.
I don't mind you coming to me.
Gives us a new area for conversation.
It gets a little stale
always talking about
how dumb the kids are.
That's a well that never runs dry.
This one choked on his fist today.
It was hysterical.
I'm just saying, a charge card
would make things easier.
Lucifer's apple.
Tricking women into spending
beyond their means...
going crazy, buying a bunch of hats.
Ha!
Wait a minute. That's not right.
I knew it!
I don't know what you were
referring to, but I concur.
That cashier at the market's a thief.
And not much of a babysitter, either.
She charged me for one
of my "free" Shredded Wheats.
Did she at least give you green stamps?
She did not.
- Where's the station wagon?
- Out front.
Maybe they pulled this crap on Mike
but not on me, buster!
Unbelievable. Enough is enough!
Hi, Mrs. Cleary.
Oh, no.
What'd you jackals do to your mom?
- We have no idea!
- Nothing worse than usual.
She drove away.
In the station wagon? No!
Did you leave something in the car?
Just a... sun hat.
You women with your hats.
So, who set her off this time?
It was me! She knows!
Mom knows everything!
Any idea where she might be going?
I'm just really worried about that hat.
She does this kind of thing sometimes.
A possum just leapt out of my freezer!
Sorry, we really thought he was dead.
Yeah, he must've been playing po...
That's where that expression comes from!
I have had it with your shenanigans!
Enough... is enough!
- Mom!
- We just didn't want him to smell
before the service!
As bad as it felt when Mom yelled at us,
it was exponentially worse
when she simply withdrew to her room
with the clear implication that
we'd lost her love forever.
Mom, we'll never do it again, I swear!
I didn't even know about it,
but I'm sorry, too!
Usually when she's upset like this,
she locks herself
in her room for an hour.
Yeah, but now she's in
a room with wheels,
and it can go anywhere!
What were we thinking when
we let her get a license?
You savages better hope
that she comes back,
because without that woman,
you're all in the streets
eating garbage.
So the food will be better.
It was nice knowing you all.
I'm gonna go live in
the wilderness like Mowgli.
I keep thinking I may be
responsible for this.
It's that darn smart mouth of mine.
Mom said, "Good morning,"
and I said, "Is it?"
I can be rather salty
before I've had my cocoa.
Pretty sure you're in the clear.
What's the point of sweating
about who did what?
Eventually, Mom will come home
and squash one of us.
Make the most of the time you have...
enjoy the things you cherish.
I'm gonna nap,
then call the bowling alley
and ask if they have ten-pound balls.
Hey, was Mom in here before?
I don't know.
'Cause my bag was here
and now it's here.
I run my whole business out of that bag.
Joey's business was procuring girls
for hormonally over-eager teenage boys.
Not actual girls, but
their lovely, undraped images.
Then he realized
he could maximize profits
by breaking the images down
into their individual parts.
I've got a kid who just wants feet.
Hey, we use every part of the buffalo,
which is actually where
Tiffani goes to Law School.
I think you're in the clear, man.
Nothing you do is gonna shock Mom
- after the stuff you've pulled.
- That's true.
She's totally given up
on my immortal soul.
Unfortunately, she still
has hope for me.
I think I know what set her off.
Remember that stain I got
on her nice tablecloth?
I will now perform the "Immovable Feast"
using Mom's linen tablecloth
from her grandmother.
Behold, as the tablecloth moves
but the dinner...
...stands still!
Like many misdeeds from the 1970s,
my cover-up was worse than the crime.
I'll just get in the box,
and you can bury me.
I've seen worse.
Spaghetti sauce is a piece
of cake compared to blood.
Or cake.
Relax, I've got a guy.
Mom won.
She not only got the Shredded
Wheat they owed her,
but the store took the money for it
out of the cashier's paycheck.
What in the blazes?
Pat?
It's like they're trying
to put me in the nuthouse.
Fearing my mom never stopped
my brothers and me
from trying to get away
with stuff, but not Pat.
He believed our mother was omniscient.
And that's just how she liked it.
That suitcase must be
getting awfully heavy.
Just some clothes, and a toothbrush...
And your pet bricks?
- You really do know everything.
- And don't you forget it.
- William!
- Yeah.
Give me a hand here.
With your mom gone AWOL,
can you help me get Andy
ready for his day?
His day? Does he have
an important business meeting?
I'm sorry, Dad. That's my
smart mouth rearing up again.
I don't think a kid should lay
around all day in his pajamas.
Lack of structure is the surest
road to mental illness.
You take care of this whole deal.
It might help smooth things over
with your mom.
Wait, you think she's mad at me?
Could be any one of you kids.
The only thing we know for sure is,
it ain't me.
It was then Dad realized
that he might be the culprit.
- I'm an idiot.
- No argument here.
Wow, I'm so sorry, Dad.
I've got to get some more cocoa in me.
Maybe we should drive around,
see if we can find your mom
before she finds Eddie in the backseat,
spare them both the embarrassment.
Or be right there to see it play out.
Let me grab a sweatshirt...
and a camera.
Holy crap.
That is blasphemy, mister.
Unless you're talking about a diaper
left in the manger by Baby Jesus.
Is this maybe the reason
Mom was so upset?
Was she out here with my journal
before she ran off?
Frank knew Mom was angry
at the store cashier
but decided to exploit the situation
for his own twisted agenda.
Yes. Right before.
Yeah, she totally read it.
Who else around here would do
something so insensitive?
He talks about Mom, like, on every page.
What's a "raging narcissist"?
It's "raging," so it's not good.
Oh, this is too juicy.
I can read this thing all...
Hey, those two squirrels are doin' it.
But what in your journal
could've upset Mom?
It's not like there's anything
negative to be said about her.
Did you compliment her too much?
Sometimes when I do that,
it gets on her nerves.
I don't know how I'm gonna face
her when she gets back, man.
When Mom and I talk about you...
and we often do...
an especially sore subject
is that San Francisco-style rat's nest.
- My hair bothers her that much?
- Mm.
- She hasn't said anything to me.
- Well, you know Mom.
She doesn't like to criticize.
But it would be a nice gesture
if you went out and
got a respectable crew-cut.
It's just...
chicks dig it, man.
I know one very important "chick"
who looks at it and "dies inside"...
her words.
- Can we go?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
There's actually something
I need to go do.
One dirty hippie down,
five million to go.
I had to run away after the thing I did.
- But you already know all about it.
- Of course I do.
But I like hearing you say
exactly what you're sorry about.
Two days ago, I put an ice cube
up my nose, and it got stuck.
I didn't tell anyone,
so now I have an ice cube
in my nose forever.
Not forever.
But it is gonna be a painful
and expensive surgery.
What's this hullabaloo?
Excuse me. Can I get through?
Nope. Road's closed.
I need to get this child home
for his treatment.
Look at him. He's obviously not right.
I need a painful and expensive surgery.
Oh, looks like a tough little guy,
uh, despite his obstacles,
but we won't be finished here
'til like six.
You want to go down to
the second corner, make a right,
take the underpass, then a right,
then another right,
and then, uh, veer left...
- you'll be good.
- Right, right, underpass...
My mom doesn't need you
telling her where to go.
- She knows everything.
- Absolutely.
I've got it.
We'll be okay.
Yes, you will, little soldier.
Yes, you will.
Here you go.
My sister's kid
wears protective headgear.
- It's a big help.
- Hooray!
Oh, Wendi.
I need your woman ears on something.
Earlier, Mrs. Cleary gave me
this charge card application,
and I said no for a host
of excellent reasons.
- Like what?
- I-Innumerable,
each one better than the last.
You think it's possible
that this is what threw her
into a tizzy?
I'd be very offended
if I felt my husband
didn't trust me with money.
I give Peggy an allowance every week.
- Like a child.
- No!
I don't give my children an allowance.
Their allowance is me allowance-ing them
- to live in my house.
- And Mrs. Cleary's house.
Fine, Helen Reddy, it's her house, too.
Maybe I need to go and find her.
- Can I come?
- If you want.
It's weird she hasn't come home.
She might've run out of gas
and, you know,
- doesn't have a charge card.
- You're right.
She's a space cadet when it
comes to watching the gauge.
What is that stuff?
Dry-cleaning chemicals.
- Your friend's a dry cleaner?
- Well, Sid's a pool guy,
and he does some embalming on the side,
but he swears it's all the same stuff.
Is it safe?
Uh, they put it in pools
and dead people, so, yeah.
Although...
...it smells "pwitty"...
You said "pwitty,"
not "pwitty."
For some reason I can't say...
Joey.
Joey, how long were we...
An hour.
In retrospect, we probably
should've cracked a window.
An hour?! What's this stuff done to...
It worked!
- It's all clean!
- Yeah, it's pretty!
Hey, I can say "pretty" again!
Let's dry it out in the sun
before Mom gets home.
Cool! Check it out.
No more fingerprints.
♪ You put your right foot in ♪
♪ You put your left foot in ♪
- ♪ You do the Hokey Pokey ♪
- It's a right, then a left...
- ♪ And you turn yourself around ♪
- ...then another left...
- ♪ Then put your left foot in ♪
- ...then another right...
- Right!
- That's not it.
- Pat, you need to stop singing that song.
- Why?
Do you know what a "Hokey Pokey" is?
It's a stew cannibals make.
"Put your left foot in.
Put your right foot in."
It's not a song. It's a recipe.
That's what it's all about?
Before GPS, getting lost was
a thing that actually happened.
Are we lost, Mommy?
How could we be lost
when I know everything?
I do have to pull over and
make a call to the doctor
to schedule your nose surgery.
I can't even feel it up there anymore.
That's not a good sign.
I get why we looked for her
at the church,
but the gun store?
Ah, it's just something
she said in passing.
On "Columbo," it's usually
the most important clue.
Where could she have gone?
It's dry! I-I think it looks
even better than before.
We should fold it up before those
squirrels decide it's the grotto
at the Playboy Mansion.
Are we sure it wasn't already like that?
Cleary residence.
Will you accept a collect call
from Mrs. Michael Cleary?
We'd all been trained from birth
not to ever accept
collect calls, no matter what.
Which is why we never got to say goodbye
- to our Great-Aunt Esther.
- Come on, come on...
We do not accept collect calls
no matter what.
I can't pay for the call, operator.
I had to use all my change
at the supermarket yesterday
because I didn't have a gun.
Hi, Eddie!
Shh! Don't tell Mom you saw me.
I'm gonna thumb a ride home.
Which, in this outfit's either gonna
be really hard or really easy.
You can't fool Mom.
She already knows you're here.
Yes, I know you think that
because you think Mom knows everything.
I think that because she's right there.
I don't see her.
Then I don't know where else to look.
Why did you think she might come here?
Well, this place is kind of
a running joke for us.
Any time we argue,
Peggy threatens to run off
to the bar at the Ambassador Hotel.
Isn't this where Robert Kennedy...
Yeah, and another infamous event...
Peg and I honeymooned here
back when a room went for top dollar,
before the Sirhan Sirhan
discount kicked in.
I'll have a Chablis.
I meant to say a "lemonade."
I'll have a water.
So, I thought she'd like that I splurged
for a $40 room for our honeymoon.
But Peggy got mad at me
for wasting our money.
Somewhere mid-ceremony,
it became our money.
I had cash in the bank
and savings bonds.
The only thing of value
she brought to the table
was her grandmother's linen tablecloth.
And the fact that you loved her.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
That was our first big fight.
After I cooled off, I came down here,
I found her, we made up.
Thank God she came to her senses
and apologized to me.
She apologized to you?
I thought the whole money issue
was settled.
That's why this charge card
thing is such a puzzler.
It's not that hard of a puzzle
to put together, Mr. Cleary.
Kind of like Baby Andy's cow puzzle.
Just a cow and a cow-shaped hole.
That puzzle was Eddie's.
Tripped him up for years.
Sir.
See that?
He looked at the two of us
together and decided
you're the one who's going to pay.
Oh, that's 'cause he doesn't know me.
This is what Mrs. Cleary
is dealing with.
Everyone assumes she needs
a man to pay her way,
even for a 60-cent lemonade.
60 cents?
You feel it's your money because
your name is on the paycheck,
while, in so many ways,
she supports your life
so you're free to earn that check.
But the world doesn't value
what she does.
It's a double standard.
So, what Peggy does,
puttering around the house,
is somehow comparable to my job?
I literally helped put
Neil Armstrong on the moon.
She literally helped Eddie
finally put that cow in the hole.
He'd have figured it out eventually.
He got the pig right away.
Excuse me, Miss.
You need to take
your business elsewhere.
- My business?
- What's going on, pal?
We do not allow solicitation
on these premises.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is my son's girlfriend.
Oh, I haven't heard that one before.
Usually it's the "niece."
I'm not soliciting anything.
In fact, I even paid
for my own lemonade.
You're free to stay
and enjoy your drink, sir,
but she has to go.
Now, that is a heck
of a double standard.
If I am paying for
the company of this woman,
I am just as much a lawbreaker
as my prostitute here!
- I'm no one's...
- Fine, then you can go, too.
Oh, I'd like to see you try and make me.
Let's just leave, Mr. Cleary.
Do I have to call the authorities?
You know what? Call 'em.
I'll report you for the crime
of a 60-cent lemonade.
I'll have you know,
this is a very nice dress.
I bought it at The Limited.
It was a crazy scene...
everyone tearing their clothes
off and jumping in the water.
And I never would've done it
if I hadn't smoked so much p... p...
peer pressure.
Okay, I'm in the mood to be merciful.
I need to get Pat home,
and I may not know
exactly where our home is at the moment.
Oh, so you're lost.
That's not something
you're gonna let anybody know,
especially that little boy.
He thinks I'm a god.
It'd be cruel to spoil that for him.
It's like telling a child
there's no Tooth Fairy.
We never had the Tooth Fairy.
If I let you kids make money off teeth,
I'd have to hide the pliers.
What do you think?
- Is that the right shade of green?
- Yeah.
I think it looks "pwitty"...
Uh-oh.
Eddie. Mrs. Cleary.
You're home, and you found Eddie,
so it's all okay?
And my mom knows everything.
Of course she knows everything!
She's Mom!
I'm gonna go pack a hospital bag.
You need to put some clothes on.
You got stuff hanging out
nobody wants to see.
Same with you, dear,
but you're some other mother's problem.
Okay, maybe it is
a little revealing, but...
that's the fashion!
More Shredded Wheat.
Nice! I knew you'd set
that store straight.
I hope you got that cashier fired.
- Nope, but I made her cry.
- Excellent.
Mom, uh,
I know you were hurt by
what you read this morning...
For the love of Pete,
what'd you do to your hair?!
I thought you didn't like it.
Well, what gave you
that cockamamie notion?
That crazy mop was the only
thing setting you apart.
Now you're gonna have to work
on your personality.
I'm gonna cut something off of you!
What are you looking at?
Just noticing how good the lawn looks.
So, listen,
I put it together after you drove off
that you were mad at me for what I did.
Yes. What you did.
I thought about it, and I'm sorry.
You should be.
I had to drive around
for hours to cool down.
But just so we can move on,
why don't you say
why you did what you did
and also what you did?
So, it wasn't me that you were mad at.
Took a shot. Always works on the kids.
Yeah, but I'm not the kids.
You're my wife, and we're in
this whole shebang together,
so here.
I stopped by the bank and got that.
It's a temporary.
The real one will come in a week or so.
This means a lot, Mike.
Mostly because I know how hard
it must've been for you.
Well, it's not just my money. It's...
- ...our money.
- Aww.
This reminds me of our first fight.
We should go to the Ambassador Hotel
and have a drink.
Yeah, I can't go there anymore.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com