The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Episode #1.16 - full transcript
Whoo-hoo!
My parents rarely went away,
but when they did,
we took full advantage.
Whoa!
Coming through!
I overindulged in TV viewing...
game shows, Westerns, sitcoms...
putting all my imaginary TV
friends through their paces.
Dance for me, monkeys.
You should take a break.
You've been glued to that box
since Mom and Dad left on Friday.
You're a regular Joseph Benti
from Channel Seven News.
Now here's Dr. George Fischbeck
with the weather.
Can I watch my show now?
Go to hell.
Hm.
I'm guessing I'm the only one
who chose to attend Sunday mass?
I got up and went to the 6:30...
had my pick of the pews.
And what are you guys gonna say
when Mom and Dad ask if you went?
Can I see that for a second?
"Look, Mom, I brought
home a church bulletin."
What in the Sam Hill?!
What's up?
What's up is Mom and Dad
will be home any minute,
and this kitchen is a sty
in which pigs would live!
A pig sty?
Saying the words I just said
in a different order
doesn't make this place
any less like a dump
in which garbage is kept.
You're right. If Mom and Dad see this,
they won't hug us and tell us
they love us anymore.
Don't you dare add to this mess.
There's a cockroach on that dish.
Aah!
What'd you do that for?!
I was helping!
We're smashing stuff?
Cool.
Stop it!
The bug's out here now!
- There he is!
- Stomp him!
Bug, one... you guys, zero.
I don't see him anymore.
Uh, he's on your head.
Hold still!
Got him.
Yeah.
Whoo, that little guy runs fast.
I like him. I like him a lot!
Because he's so fast,
I'm gonna name him Mitch.
That makes no sense.
None at all!
Now, the only question is,
what's the funnest way to kill him?
Cockroaches are remarkable creatures.
Did you know they can live for a week
with their head chopped off?
I have my answer.
Please don't decapitate Mitch!
What choice do I have?
Lawrence was talking about
a bar near Santa Anita
where they hold cockroach races.
Fastest roach wins a $50 prize.
What's a filthy cockroach
gonna do with $50?
It's your lucky day, bug.
You get to live just long enough
to earn me some righteous coin.
Mom and Dad just pulled up!
I should probably go change
the baby's diaper.
Did you miss me, Mama?
What do you think?
I missed you, too!
Against all odds,
the house is still standing.
The fact that we're happy to
come home to this seems sad.
Look at this pig sty.
It's like a garbage dump.
How long you been watching that?
I just turned it on.
The bowl of wax fruit is melting.
You're done.
The baby seems okay,
but they all look the same.
Kids could've switched him out,
and we'd never know.
They were returning from
a church-sanctioned weekend
to strengthen Catholic marriages
run by a bunch of men
who'd never been married.
Hey, how'd Marriage Encounter go?
Did you guys deepen your relationship
with each other and God?
Well, hard to say,
but there was a waffle bar.
Five different kinds of syrup.
Your dad embarrassed himself.
I went a little crazy.
The best part, the food, the room,
all beautifully free
thanks to the Shipleys
pulling out at the last minute
'cause their dumb kid broke his leg.
The skateboard they got
him for Christmas
ended up being a gift for us.
So I'm guessing you skipped
the empathy exercises.
Oh, no. We went to that one.
Got a, uh, free pen.
Ah, you can sign that kid's cast.
"Thanks for the weekend
in Malibu, you klutz!"
You know, your marriage
might have benefited
from some honest examination.
Don't be an idiot.
Our marriage is a rock...
a rock you don't want to look under.
Same reason we don't go to the dentist.
You know who took all
the exercises seriously?
- Wendi's parents.
- Whoa, that was a firework show.
You do not want to ask
Janelle Falkenberry
what makes her feel "not heard."
I'll tell you where she was heard...
all the way to Catalina.
Oh, and Wendi's dad
boo-hooing like he
was watching "Brian's Song."
And then, he drove off without her.
And without his free pen.
Last time we saw Wendi's mom,
she was hitch-hiking along PCH.
You didn't pick her up?
My policy is my policy.
Oh.
Hi there, Wendi.
Your dad forgot his pen.
This bug is a thoroughbred!
Look at you having feelings
for another living thing.
There's no feelings.
I look at this bug, I see dollar signs.
I want to race him at the bar you go to.
You're 14.
I've got an I.D. that says
I'm 33 with five kids.
Why would that be on an I.D.?
Now you sound like the bouncer
at Chug-a-Lug's.
I mean, you're not 21.
How do you get into McSorley's?
Well, the first time I went,
I was a seminarian.
And it's one of those
old-school Irish places
where everyone's got a fun nickname,
like "Sully" or "Violent Alcoholic."
So you show up in a collar,
they roll out the red carpet.
Although McSorley's is more
of a vomit-soaked piece of cardboard.
But you still put on
your God threads and go.
Yeah, every once in a while.
I like it!
Father Larry's got
a taste for the hooch.
No, it's not like that.
It's, uh... there's a waitress
that works there, Fiona.
Ah, that's what you've got a taste for.
- Look who's suddenly interesting.
- Yeah.
I can't help you get into McSorley's.
But maybe think about
joining the seminary, Joe.
How would I explain that
to my five kids?!
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
"I forgive you, my son."
My TV binge of the previous
weekend was just a warm-up
for the big event... the annual
Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon,
or "The Thon," as cool people
like me called it.
You know, I don't care for the French,
but they're right about this guy.
20 hours featuring the best
of Vegas, Broadway,
and some animal acts
which I now feel complicit for enjoying.
Who knew orangutans don't ride
tricycles voluntarily?
It was a big, gaudy schmaltz-fest,
and I suckled it like a calf on a teat.
Dad, can I take the car?
Don't hit anybody.
My insurance is high enough.
And, listen, if Wendi calls,
you don't know where I went.
I don't know where you went.
My leather-crafting class.
Oh, make me a pair of wingtips.
Where's that one off to?
He's got leather class.
Since when?
He should be over there
comforting Wendi.
Poor girl's parents just split up.
Her dad moved to Phoenix
or Portland or...
Mr. Falkenberry moved to Provo, Utah.
I knew it was a "P" town.
You know what?
I should be headed to P town.
I drank like a gallon of root beer.
Oh, if Wendi calls,
we don't know where Eddie went.
- He's lying to her?
- No, honey, we are.
But only if she calls.
I will not be an accomplice
to whatever Italian-style philandering
Eddie's trying to inflict on that girl.
What philandering?
He's making some shoes.
Oh, Mike, sometimes I wonder
if you live in the real world.
- I should call Wendi right now.
- No, don't do that.
Whatever Eddie's doing,
he has his reasons.
I trust him more than I trust Wendi.
A little too self-assured, that one...
all pretty and bright.
The very fact that she's with Eddie
makes me wonder what she's up to.
Well, I suspect there's some
self-esteem issues there.
- She is coming from a broken home.
- Mm.
Plus, living alone in that house
with Janelle
can't be a bowl of cherries.
Mrs. Falkenberry
isn't living with Wendi.
She just started graduate school
at UC Riverside
to study ornithology.
Where do you get all this stuff?
I'm their paperboy.
We ask a lot of intrusive questions
when people try to cancel
their subscriptions.
Okay, scram. It's bedtime.
B-But it's "The Thon"!
Come on, Mom, it's for Jerry's Kids.
I barely care about my kids.
Beat it!
Hey.
You see what's going on here?
No mom, no dad... Wendi's living
there unsupervised.
And you wanted to send Eddie
over there to comfort her.
It's a good thing
he's at that leather class.
There is no leather class, you rube!
Let's not use language
we're gonna regret, Peg.
Why are you dressed
like a train conductor?
I've been having a really fun
adventure today, all by myself.
I'm going back out there.
Uh, Mom made it pretty clear
she wanted us gone.
You don't get it, William.
With the telethon,
anything can happen...
a historic reunion
between Jerry and Dean,
Mitzi Gaynor performing
with the cast of "Pippin."
I mean, if I miss that,
what will I talk about
with the kids at school?
Mom and Dad are in there
discussing grown-up stuff.
Who cares what they're discussing,
as long as they keep it down
so I can hear
the comedy stylings of
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Want to play checkers?
- Wish I could,
but the 7:20 to Bakersfield is late.
Don't you see?
Eddie's not lying to Wendi...
he's lying to us!
Those two are probably doing laps
in the Falkenberrys'
waterbed as we speak.
- We need to get over there.
- No, no, no.
If you're wrong,
you're just gonna bust open
whatever secret Eddie
is hiding from Wendi.
And if you're right,
we're walking in on
two redheads on a waterbed.
You want to see that? I don't.
Well, somebody's got to drive me.
At your service, Mom.
Frank, you're unbearable.
Let's go.
Is your sister still, uh,
fooling around like...
She had me over. Wait a second.
And after he passed,
I missed him so much.
And then, one day, this little
bird appeared in my yard.
He just sat there and watched me
while I was working.
And I would swear to Christ
that sparrow was the spirit
of my dead dad.
Is that even remotely possible, Father?
I'd have to see the bird
to know for sure,
but I-I'd be shocked
if it wasn't your dad.
That's what I told my wife.
She said reincarnation
was more of a Hindu thing.
The Church is adding
new stuff all the time.
I mean, the Pope hasn't gone
wide with that one yet,
- but you'll be hearing about it.
- Oh.
I have a question for you, Father.
Why do you look so young for a priest?
Will you excuse us?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
I knew I'd find you here.
You should not have told
that guy his father was a bird.
Isn't it our job to give people
comfort through nonsense?
It's not either of our jobs.
These are on the house, padres.
You just being here
makes the rest of these animals
less handsy.
Always nice seeing you, Father Lawrence.
Yeah, it's, uh... it's really
nice to see you, too, Fiona.
I am taking you out of here
before you embarrass both of us.
I've got these yokels totally snowed.
I'm marrying that couple on Saturday.
Then I'll just have to tell
everyone you're not a priest.
I could do the same to you,
starting with Fiona.
Mellow out. We've got a race to win.
Look at the fire in his eyes.
I believe his eyes are on the other end.
Well then, he's got fire in his butt.
Either way, he's gonna go fast.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.
No, I only needed you to drive.
You can wait in the car.
I-I feel I would be
more helpful backing you up
on the scene,
i-in case things go sideways.
You know how you can really be helpful?
And I'm not just making up
busy work to get rid of you
- 'cause you annoy me.
- Understood.
You go around the house
and cover the back door.
In case they make a run for it.
Smart!
Mrs. Cleary. I wasn't expecting you.
No, you weren't.
I wanted to give your mother
a casserole,
so I brought it here because
here is where she lives.
Wow.
A can of mushroom soup and green beans?
Want me to chew it for her, too?
I am in position!
- What's that?
- A reminder that I really need
a driver's license.
Huh. I heard something.
Eddie wouldn't be here,
by any chance, hm?
Oh, no. But my mother
is taking a nap upstairs.
Uh, sometimes she talks in her sleep.
Oh. Does she say, "I'm Eddie.
I hope my mom doesn't find me"?
Mrs. Cleary, I told you
Eddie's not here.
Well, sometimes I think
he's not home, and then... boom!
Unfortunately, there he is.
- Uh... Hm.
- So, just to be sure...
Eddie!
I brought your favorite baseball card!
Dick Allen with the ridiculous
sideburns.
I can't believe an adult man
goes outside like that.
On the count of three,
I'm tearing it to pieces.
- He's really not here.
- Hm.
One... two... three!
I was wrong.
He's really not here.
Huh.
Which doesn't make a lick of sense,
'cause I know for a fact
you're living alone now.
What?
It's true.
My mom decided to let me
stay here alone,
just until we sell the house.
Then I have to move in
with the nuns at school.
The convent? Oh.
Well, that would be
a terrible place for Eddie
to try to hide in the closet!
Yes, I misled you.
But I told you the truth about Eddie.
Wendi, sometimes I lie to get my way,
and that's all right
because it's me doing it.
But if someone tries to pull
the wool over my eyes...
The wool wasn't for your eyes.
It was for Eddie's.
He's the one I'm keeping
this a secret from.
You're lying to my Eddie?
And you're not just saying that
to make me like you more?
Whenever he's over, I just say
my mom's napping upstairs.
If he knew I was here alone,
he might assume that
he can just come here any time
and we'll do stuff.
And I would like to keep control
of that situation.
Honey, you have to.
Men do not have an off switch.
Without women pumpin' the brakes,
they would have never built the pyramids
or that new Montgomery Ward
at the Eagle Rock Mall.
So you understand?
Of course.
Well, I'm gonna walk home now.
In a couple hours,
open the back door
and tell Frank I'm gone.
He'll be in the bushes.
A nice night for racing.
I got a pipe in the ceiling
that's leaking,
so, hopefully, he likes a wet track.
Can I get you another drink?
- I'll have...
- Just a water, please.
What's the matter, Father?
You hit the Blood of Christ
a little hard last night?
I don't understand why you aren't
closing that deal.
- She is a stone fox.
- Well, Fiona thinks I'm a priest.
If I ask her out, I'm a sleazeball.
And if I tell her I lied,
I'm also a sleazeball.
What about this... you say
you're thinking about ditching
the whole priest racket
to get it on with her hot bod?
But feel free to snooze it up
with the Lawrence-speak.
Fixing old lies with new lies?
That'd be even sleazier.
I mean, look at Mitch here.
People are repulsed by him,
but that's their problem.
He eats what he wants,
goes where he wants,
and he's probably got a family
under every refrigerator in L.A.
Father, is that cockroach story
one of the Parables?
No, I'm trying to get you
to grow a parables.
- Get me my money!
- Are you ready?
All roaches and trainers
to the starting gate!
- I got to get my bets in.
- Final call for bets!
And of course, Wendi's
got Eddie completely fooled
'cause she's so much smarter than he is.
Oh, that's gonna be true
no matter who he dates.
Well, unless it's the Mullen girl,
the one who ran into that tree
limb and now likes to hug a lot.
And you think it's a-okay,
Wendi manipulating Eddie?
If it keeps our lummox son
from having easy access to her.
I don't want any grandchildren
till I'm old enough
so that I don't have to play with them.
She's lying to him, Peg.
But you didn't seem to mind
when you thought he was lying to her.
That was a one-time lie,
the kind men have to do all the time.
"Yes, honey, your hair looks nice,"
when it really looks like something
constructed by beavers.
But Wendi's lie?
That's a whole other megillah.
It's sneaky and complicated and female.
And totally justified,
if you want the pyramids.
I'm just saying...
she shouldn't be afraid
to communicate with Eddie.
"Communicate"?
You were listening at
the Marriage Encounter.
You weren't just there for
the waffles or the free pens!
- I knew it!
- You know, I look at Wendi
leading our son around by the nose,
and it puts me in the mind of you, Peg,
when we were courting.
Yeah, yeah. I was very pretty.
You two have the same female wiles.
And me, just a raw kid thinking
he had a steady girlfriend,
when you had another guy
dangling on a string.
What other guy?
You mean Dave Borkowski?
I'm talking about Ray Mulvihill.
Who's Dave Borkowski?
Just a name I read in a book somewhere.
Yeah, well, stay on topic.
I remember when I finally put
all the pieces together.
It made me feel foolish.
And feeling foolish
is not the best foundation
for a relationship.
More Marriage Encounter hokum.
No, it's not hokum
to want to trust the person
you're attempting to
spend your life with.
And you don't trust me because
I had a few boyfriends?
You said it yourself...
I was prettier than Wendi.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cleary.
I picked her up after leather class.
We wanted to show you the purse I made.
The big "W" is for "Wendi."
Oh, you see?
Eddie wasn't hiding anything
except a nice surprise
for his girlfriend.
Hey, Wendi.
Is there a little pocket in there
for you to keep your secrets?
I also made her mom a cute coin purse.
You need to give her that in person.
Your mom never seems to be awake
when I'm around the house.
She'll love it,
just like I love my purse.
Do you really love it, Wendi?
She just said she did, Mike.
Or are you taking Eddie
for a buggy ride?
- Mike, stop.
- Are we going on a buggy ride?
Uh, I don't know what you mean,
Mr. Cleary.
Well, when someone
isn't honest about one thing,
maybe they're not being honest
about lots of stuff.
Okay, after we met,
I went roller-skating
with Dave Borkowski.
- You happy?
- Why don't you tell Eddie the truth...
that you're not living with your mother?
I asked him not to spill
those beans, but here we go...
beans everywhere.
Your mom isn't there?
Why didn't you tell me?
My parents divorcing has been
a lot of change to deal with.
I just... didn't want everything
changing with us, too...
you seeing me living alone
as a chance to speed things up.
- You didn't trust me.
- I guess.
Or maybe I didn't trust
myself to be responsible.
Well, in a way, I guess
this is kind of a relief.
With your mom always napping,
I was starting to get worried about her.
Get your final bets in.
The betting windows are closing.
I'm more excited than I thought I'd be.
It's not so much the race...
it's the pageantry that gets to me.
And they're in the gate.
Hold on!
One of our little fellas
is getting ahead of himself.
- Get him back in the corral. Oh.
- Aww.
False start.
Your little guy is trying to cheat.
Now he's walking kind of funny.
He hurt himself trying
to take a head start.
Out of my way! Let me see.
You okay, Mitch?
You'll be all right, little guy.
We've got a late scratch
in the first race.
And they're off! "Paparoach" broke well.
It's "Rojo Tuna" and "Roach-el Welch"!
Who's it gonna be, folks?
You never know!
Here they come up the straight length.
"Roach-el Welch" with the victory!
Eddie, can you understand
why Wendi was hesitant
to tell the truth?
Now's your chance to be heard.
Well...
That's not how they did it
at the Marriage Encounter.
How do you know?
You weren't even listening.
I was half-listening
so I could make fun of it.
Eddie, just because
Wendi's living alone,
it's not an open invitation
for you to show up
and slobber all over her.
Wendi, lying to a man you care about
is not the best way to start off
a, ugh, relationship.
Thank you.
I think Eddie and I have both decided
we can spend time alone at my house
while still being responsible
and taking things slow.
Very good open, honest
communicating, Wendi.
I can't believe I used those words.
- That weekend wasn't free.
- No, it was not.
Meanwhile, back on "The Thon,"
history was being made...
a once-in-a-generation convergence
comparable to the tectonic plates
which formed the Himalayas.
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Lennon and Yoko.
Jerry's one of our favorite comedians.
This is your chance to sing!
♪ I'm sayin' ♪
This happened.
- This actually happened.
- Come on, now!
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
And I couldn't believe my eyes,
or at least the inside of my eyelids.
I fell asleep and missed
the whole thing.
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
Come on, now! Give peace a chance!
A chance!
Well, they totally bought it.
I'd like to think the purse
really put us over the top.
- It is so awful. Where did you get it?
- At the Woolworth's.
Then I used a lighter
to burn in the "W."
So now your mom and dad
totally trust us,
and we can be alone
and do whatever we want.
Well, you know what
I can't stop thinking about?
- It's a buggy ride, isn't it?
- Yep.
Sorry, buddy.
I pushed you too hard.
If you're interested, Father,
we usually take
the losing roaches out back
and bet on which one
the crow eats first.
Considering the bum leg,
Mitch would be the favorite.
He might not be able to race,
but he still has value.
I'm gonna put him out to stud.
Fiona.
Yeah, Father?
I have a confession to make.
I really like you and I'm not a priest.
Reaction?
- I don't know what to say.
- You're right.
- I'm a disgusting sleazeball.
- Calm down.
In this place, you wouldn't
even crack the top 10.
I've always thought
you were a sweetheart.
And I wouldn't mind doing
something about it.
But why'd you think
you had to wear the collar?
'Cause, otherwise, they'd card me.
Because you're...?
20.
You're 20?
I'm 43.
Reaction?
Doesn't change a thing.
Murph, I'm going home!
♪ It's everywhere I go ♪
♪ So if you really love me ♪
♪ Come on and let it show ♪
We can feel good
about trusting those two.
I don't see the point
of all these webs
you ladies like to weave.
Eddie and Wendi
made two critical mistakes...
Eddie left the Woolworth's
receipt inside the coin purse,
and Wendi asked him out
in the first place.
I skillfully cut through all the lies.
Now everything's above board.
Yep.
You cracked the case, Mike.
Do you have a phone number
for that fella at your work
looking to buy a house
in our neighborhood?
- Why do you ask?
- Hm.
Hello, Sister Vincent.
Is Wendi ready?
We're gonna go to the movies.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'll... I'll just wait here.
My parents rarely went away,
but when they did,
we took full advantage.
Whoa!
Coming through!
I overindulged in TV viewing...
game shows, Westerns, sitcoms...
putting all my imaginary TV
friends through their paces.
Dance for me, monkeys.
You should take a break.
You've been glued to that box
since Mom and Dad left on Friday.
You're a regular Joseph Benti
from Channel Seven News.
Now here's Dr. George Fischbeck
with the weather.
Can I watch my show now?
Go to hell.
Hm.
I'm guessing I'm the only one
who chose to attend Sunday mass?
I got up and went to the 6:30...
had my pick of the pews.
And what are you guys gonna say
when Mom and Dad ask if you went?
Can I see that for a second?
"Look, Mom, I brought
home a church bulletin."
What in the Sam Hill?!
What's up?
What's up is Mom and Dad
will be home any minute,
and this kitchen is a sty
in which pigs would live!
A pig sty?
Saying the words I just said
in a different order
doesn't make this place
any less like a dump
in which garbage is kept.
You're right. If Mom and Dad see this,
they won't hug us and tell us
they love us anymore.
Don't you dare add to this mess.
There's a cockroach on that dish.
Aah!
What'd you do that for?!
I was helping!
We're smashing stuff?
Cool.
Stop it!
The bug's out here now!
- There he is!
- Stomp him!
Bug, one... you guys, zero.
I don't see him anymore.
Uh, he's on your head.
Hold still!
Got him.
Yeah.
Whoo, that little guy runs fast.
I like him. I like him a lot!
Because he's so fast,
I'm gonna name him Mitch.
That makes no sense.
None at all!
Now, the only question is,
what's the funnest way to kill him?
Cockroaches are remarkable creatures.
Did you know they can live for a week
with their head chopped off?
I have my answer.
Please don't decapitate Mitch!
What choice do I have?
Lawrence was talking about
a bar near Santa Anita
where they hold cockroach races.
Fastest roach wins a $50 prize.
What's a filthy cockroach
gonna do with $50?
It's your lucky day, bug.
You get to live just long enough
to earn me some righteous coin.
Mom and Dad just pulled up!
I should probably go change
the baby's diaper.
Did you miss me, Mama?
What do you think?
I missed you, too!
Against all odds,
the house is still standing.
The fact that we're happy to
come home to this seems sad.
Look at this pig sty.
It's like a garbage dump.
How long you been watching that?
I just turned it on.
The bowl of wax fruit is melting.
You're done.
The baby seems okay,
but they all look the same.
Kids could've switched him out,
and we'd never know.
They were returning from
a church-sanctioned weekend
to strengthen Catholic marriages
run by a bunch of men
who'd never been married.
Hey, how'd Marriage Encounter go?
Did you guys deepen your relationship
with each other and God?
Well, hard to say,
but there was a waffle bar.
Five different kinds of syrup.
Your dad embarrassed himself.
I went a little crazy.
The best part, the food, the room,
all beautifully free
thanks to the Shipleys
pulling out at the last minute
'cause their dumb kid broke his leg.
The skateboard they got
him for Christmas
ended up being a gift for us.
So I'm guessing you skipped
the empathy exercises.
Oh, no. We went to that one.
Got a, uh, free pen.
Ah, you can sign that kid's cast.
"Thanks for the weekend
in Malibu, you klutz!"
You know, your marriage
might have benefited
from some honest examination.
Don't be an idiot.
Our marriage is a rock...
a rock you don't want to look under.
Same reason we don't go to the dentist.
You know who took all
the exercises seriously?
- Wendi's parents.
- Whoa, that was a firework show.
You do not want to ask
Janelle Falkenberry
what makes her feel "not heard."
I'll tell you where she was heard...
all the way to Catalina.
Oh, and Wendi's dad
boo-hooing like he
was watching "Brian's Song."
And then, he drove off without her.
And without his free pen.
Last time we saw Wendi's mom,
she was hitch-hiking along PCH.
You didn't pick her up?
My policy is my policy.
Oh.
Hi there, Wendi.
Your dad forgot his pen.
This bug is a thoroughbred!
Look at you having feelings
for another living thing.
There's no feelings.
I look at this bug, I see dollar signs.
I want to race him at the bar you go to.
You're 14.
I've got an I.D. that says
I'm 33 with five kids.
Why would that be on an I.D.?
Now you sound like the bouncer
at Chug-a-Lug's.
I mean, you're not 21.
How do you get into McSorley's?
Well, the first time I went,
I was a seminarian.
And it's one of those
old-school Irish places
where everyone's got a fun nickname,
like "Sully" or "Violent Alcoholic."
So you show up in a collar,
they roll out the red carpet.
Although McSorley's is more
of a vomit-soaked piece of cardboard.
But you still put on
your God threads and go.
Yeah, every once in a while.
I like it!
Father Larry's got
a taste for the hooch.
No, it's not like that.
It's, uh... there's a waitress
that works there, Fiona.
Ah, that's what you've got a taste for.
- Look who's suddenly interesting.
- Yeah.
I can't help you get into McSorley's.
But maybe think about
joining the seminary, Joe.
How would I explain that
to my five kids?!
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
"I forgive you, my son."
My TV binge of the previous
weekend was just a warm-up
for the big event... the annual
Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon,
or "The Thon," as cool people
like me called it.
You know, I don't care for the French,
but they're right about this guy.
20 hours featuring the best
of Vegas, Broadway,
and some animal acts
which I now feel complicit for enjoying.
Who knew orangutans don't ride
tricycles voluntarily?
It was a big, gaudy schmaltz-fest,
and I suckled it like a calf on a teat.
Dad, can I take the car?
Don't hit anybody.
My insurance is high enough.
And, listen, if Wendi calls,
you don't know where I went.
I don't know where you went.
My leather-crafting class.
Oh, make me a pair of wingtips.
Where's that one off to?
He's got leather class.
Since when?
He should be over there
comforting Wendi.
Poor girl's parents just split up.
Her dad moved to Phoenix
or Portland or...
Mr. Falkenberry moved to Provo, Utah.
I knew it was a "P" town.
You know what?
I should be headed to P town.
I drank like a gallon of root beer.
Oh, if Wendi calls,
we don't know where Eddie went.
- He's lying to her?
- No, honey, we are.
But only if she calls.
I will not be an accomplice
to whatever Italian-style philandering
Eddie's trying to inflict on that girl.
What philandering?
He's making some shoes.
Oh, Mike, sometimes I wonder
if you live in the real world.
- I should call Wendi right now.
- No, don't do that.
Whatever Eddie's doing,
he has his reasons.
I trust him more than I trust Wendi.
A little too self-assured, that one...
all pretty and bright.
The very fact that she's with Eddie
makes me wonder what she's up to.
Well, I suspect there's some
self-esteem issues there.
- She is coming from a broken home.
- Mm.
Plus, living alone in that house
with Janelle
can't be a bowl of cherries.
Mrs. Falkenberry
isn't living with Wendi.
She just started graduate school
at UC Riverside
to study ornithology.
Where do you get all this stuff?
I'm their paperboy.
We ask a lot of intrusive questions
when people try to cancel
their subscriptions.
Okay, scram. It's bedtime.
B-But it's "The Thon"!
Come on, Mom, it's for Jerry's Kids.
I barely care about my kids.
Beat it!
Hey.
You see what's going on here?
No mom, no dad... Wendi's living
there unsupervised.
And you wanted to send Eddie
over there to comfort her.
It's a good thing
he's at that leather class.
There is no leather class, you rube!
Let's not use language
we're gonna regret, Peg.
Why are you dressed
like a train conductor?
I've been having a really fun
adventure today, all by myself.
I'm going back out there.
Uh, Mom made it pretty clear
she wanted us gone.
You don't get it, William.
With the telethon,
anything can happen...
a historic reunion
between Jerry and Dean,
Mitzi Gaynor performing
with the cast of "Pippin."
I mean, if I miss that,
what will I talk about
with the kids at school?
Mom and Dad are in there
discussing grown-up stuff.
Who cares what they're discussing,
as long as they keep it down
so I can hear
the comedy stylings of
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Want to play checkers?
- Wish I could,
but the 7:20 to Bakersfield is late.
Don't you see?
Eddie's not lying to Wendi...
he's lying to us!
Those two are probably doing laps
in the Falkenberrys'
waterbed as we speak.
- We need to get over there.
- No, no, no.
If you're wrong,
you're just gonna bust open
whatever secret Eddie
is hiding from Wendi.
And if you're right,
we're walking in on
two redheads on a waterbed.
You want to see that? I don't.
Well, somebody's got to drive me.
At your service, Mom.
Frank, you're unbearable.
Let's go.
Is your sister still, uh,
fooling around like...
She had me over. Wait a second.
And after he passed,
I missed him so much.
And then, one day, this little
bird appeared in my yard.
He just sat there and watched me
while I was working.
And I would swear to Christ
that sparrow was the spirit
of my dead dad.
Is that even remotely possible, Father?
I'd have to see the bird
to know for sure,
but I-I'd be shocked
if it wasn't your dad.
That's what I told my wife.
She said reincarnation
was more of a Hindu thing.
The Church is adding
new stuff all the time.
I mean, the Pope hasn't gone
wide with that one yet,
- but you'll be hearing about it.
- Oh.
I have a question for you, Father.
Why do you look so young for a priest?
Will you excuse us?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
I knew I'd find you here.
You should not have told
that guy his father was a bird.
Isn't it our job to give people
comfort through nonsense?
It's not either of our jobs.
These are on the house, padres.
You just being here
makes the rest of these animals
less handsy.
Always nice seeing you, Father Lawrence.
Yeah, it's, uh... it's really
nice to see you, too, Fiona.
I am taking you out of here
before you embarrass both of us.
I've got these yokels totally snowed.
I'm marrying that couple on Saturday.
Then I'll just have to tell
everyone you're not a priest.
I could do the same to you,
starting with Fiona.
Mellow out. We've got a race to win.
Look at the fire in his eyes.
I believe his eyes are on the other end.
Well then, he's got fire in his butt.
Either way, he's gonna go fast.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.
No, I only needed you to drive.
You can wait in the car.
I-I feel I would be
more helpful backing you up
on the scene,
i-in case things go sideways.
You know how you can really be helpful?
And I'm not just making up
busy work to get rid of you
- 'cause you annoy me.
- Understood.
You go around the house
and cover the back door.
In case they make a run for it.
Smart!
Mrs. Cleary. I wasn't expecting you.
No, you weren't.
I wanted to give your mother
a casserole,
so I brought it here because
here is where she lives.
Wow.
A can of mushroom soup and green beans?
Want me to chew it for her, too?
I am in position!
- What's that?
- A reminder that I really need
a driver's license.
Huh. I heard something.
Eddie wouldn't be here,
by any chance, hm?
Oh, no. But my mother
is taking a nap upstairs.
Uh, sometimes she talks in her sleep.
Oh. Does she say, "I'm Eddie.
I hope my mom doesn't find me"?
Mrs. Cleary, I told you
Eddie's not here.
Well, sometimes I think
he's not home, and then... boom!
Unfortunately, there he is.
- Uh... Hm.
- So, just to be sure...
Eddie!
I brought your favorite baseball card!
Dick Allen with the ridiculous
sideburns.
I can't believe an adult man
goes outside like that.
On the count of three,
I'm tearing it to pieces.
- He's really not here.
- Hm.
One... two... three!
I was wrong.
He's really not here.
Huh.
Which doesn't make a lick of sense,
'cause I know for a fact
you're living alone now.
What?
It's true.
My mom decided to let me
stay here alone,
just until we sell the house.
Then I have to move in
with the nuns at school.
The convent? Oh.
Well, that would be
a terrible place for Eddie
to try to hide in the closet!
Yes, I misled you.
But I told you the truth about Eddie.
Wendi, sometimes I lie to get my way,
and that's all right
because it's me doing it.
But if someone tries to pull
the wool over my eyes...
The wool wasn't for your eyes.
It was for Eddie's.
He's the one I'm keeping
this a secret from.
You're lying to my Eddie?
And you're not just saying that
to make me like you more?
Whenever he's over, I just say
my mom's napping upstairs.
If he knew I was here alone,
he might assume that
he can just come here any time
and we'll do stuff.
And I would like to keep control
of that situation.
Honey, you have to.
Men do not have an off switch.
Without women pumpin' the brakes,
they would have never built the pyramids
or that new Montgomery Ward
at the Eagle Rock Mall.
So you understand?
Of course.
Well, I'm gonna walk home now.
In a couple hours,
open the back door
and tell Frank I'm gone.
He'll be in the bushes.
A nice night for racing.
I got a pipe in the ceiling
that's leaking,
so, hopefully, he likes a wet track.
Can I get you another drink?
- I'll have...
- Just a water, please.
What's the matter, Father?
You hit the Blood of Christ
a little hard last night?
I don't understand why you aren't
closing that deal.
- She is a stone fox.
- Well, Fiona thinks I'm a priest.
If I ask her out, I'm a sleazeball.
And if I tell her I lied,
I'm also a sleazeball.
What about this... you say
you're thinking about ditching
the whole priest racket
to get it on with her hot bod?
But feel free to snooze it up
with the Lawrence-speak.
Fixing old lies with new lies?
That'd be even sleazier.
I mean, look at Mitch here.
People are repulsed by him,
but that's their problem.
He eats what he wants,
goes where he wants,
and he's probably got a family
under every refrigerator in L.A.
Father, is that cockroach story
one of the Parables?
No, I'm trying to get you
to grow a parables.
- Get me my money!
- Are you ready?
All roaches and trainers
to the starting gate!
- I got to get my bets in.
- Final call for bets!
And of course, Wendi's
got Eddie completely fooled
'cause she's so much smarter than he is.
Oh, that's gonna be true
no matter who he dates.
Well, unless it's the Mullen girl,
the one who ran into that tree
limb and now likes to hug a lot.
And you think it's a-okay,
Wendi manipulating Eddie?
If it keeps our lummox son
from having easy access to her.
I don't want any grandchildren
till I'm old enough
so that I don't have to play with them.
She's lying to him, Peg.
But you didn't seem to mind
when you thought he was lying to her.
That was a one-time lie,
the kind men have to do all the time.
"Yes, honey, your hair looks nice,"
when it really looks like something
constructed by beavers.
But Wendi's lie?
That's a whole other megillah.
It's sneaky and complicated and female.
And totally justified,
if you want the pyramids.
I'm just saying...
she shouldn't be afraid
to communicate with Eddie.
"Communicate"?
You were listening at
the Marriage Encounter.
You weren't just there for
the waffles or the free pens!
- I knew it!
- You know, I look at Wendi
leading our son around by the nose,
and it puts me in the mind of you, Peg,
when we were courting.
Yeah, yeah. I was very pretty.
You two have the same female wiles.
And me, just a raw kid thinking
he had a steady girlfriend,
when you had another guy
dangling on a string.
What other guy?
You mean Dave Borkowski?
I'm talking about Ray Mulvihill.
Who's Dave Borkowski?
Just a name I read in a book somewhere.
Yeah, well, stay on topic.
I remember when I finally put
all the pieces together.
It made me feel foolish.
And feeling foolish
is not the best foundation
for a relationship.
More Marriage Encounter hokum.
No, it's not hokum
to want to trust the person
you're attempting to
spend your life with.
And you don't trust me because
I had a few boyfriends?
You said it yourself...
I was prettier than Wendi.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cleary.
I picked her up after leather class.
We wanted to show you the purse I made.
The big "W" is for "Wendi."
Oh, you see?
Eddie wasn't hiding anything
except a nice surprise
for his girlfriend.
Hey, Wendi.
Is there a little pocket in there
for you to keep your secrets?
I also made her mom a cute coin purse.
You need to give her that in person.
Your mom never seems to be awake
when I'm around the house.
She'll love it,
just like I love my purse.
Do you really love it, Wendi?
She just said she did, Mike.
Or are you taking Eddie
for a buggy ride?
- Mike, stop.
- Are we going on a buggy ride?
Uh, I don't know what you mean,
Mr. Cleary.
Well, when someone
isn't honest about one thing,
maybe they're not being honest
about lots of stuff.
Okay, after we met,
I went roller-skating
with Dave Borkowski.
- You happy?
- Why don't you tell Eddie the truth...
that you're not living with your mother?
I asked him not to spill
those beans, but here we go...
beans everywhere.
Your mom isn't there?
Why didn't you tell me?
My parents divorcing has been
a lot of change to deal with.
I just... didn't want everything
changing with us, too...
you seeing me living alone
as a chance to speed things up.
- You didn't trust me.
- I guess.
Or maybe I didn't trust
myself to be responsible.
Well, in a way, I guess
this is kind of a relief.
With your mom always napping,
I was starting to get worried about her.
Get your final bets in.
The betting windows are closing.
I'm more excited than I thought I'd be.
It's not so much the race...
it's the pageantry that gets to me.
And they're in the gate.
Hold on!
One of our little fellas
is getting ahead of himself.
- Get him back in the corral. Oh.
- Aww.
False start.
Your little guy is trying to cheat.
Now he's walking kind of funny.
He hurt himself trying
to take a head start.
Out of my way! Let me see.
You okay, Mitch?
You'll be all right, little guy.
We've got a late scratch
in the first race.
And they're off! "Paparoach" broke well.
It's "Rojo Tuna" and "Roach-el Welch"!
Who's it gonna be, folks?
You never know!
Here they come up the straight length.
"Roach-el Welch" with the victory!
Eddie, can you understand
why Wendi was hesitant
to tell the truth?
Now's your chance to be heard.
Well...
That's not how they did it
at the Marriage Encounter.
How do you know?
You weren't even listening.
I was half-listening
so I could make fun of it.
Eddie, just because
Wendi's living alone,
it's not an open invitation
for you to show up
and slobber all over her.
Wendi, lying to a man you care about
is not the best way to start off
a, ugh, relationship.
Thank you.
I think Eddie and I have both decided
we can spend time alone at my house
while still being responsible
and taking things slow.
Very good open, honest
communicating, Wendi.
I can't believe I used those words.
- That weekend wasn't free.
- No, it was not.
Meanwhile, back on "The Thon,"
history was being made...
a once-in-a-generation convergence
comparable to the tectonic plates
which formed the Himalayas.
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Lennon and Yoko.
Jerry's one of our favorite comedians.
This is your chance to sing!
♪ I'm sayin' ♪
This happened.
- This actually happened.
- Come on, now!
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
And I couldn't believe my eyes,
or at least the inside of my eyelids.
I fell asleep and missed
the whole thing.
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
♪ Give peace a chance ♪
Come on, now! Give peace a chance!
A chance!
Well, they totally bought it.
I'd like to think the purse
really put us over the top.
- It is so awful. Where did you get it?
- At the Woolworth's.
Then I used a lighter
to burn in the "W."
So now your mom and dad
totally trust us,
and we can be alone
and do whatever we want.
Well, you know what
I can't stop thinking about?
- It's a buggy ride, isn't it?
- Yep.
Sorry, buddy.
I pushed you too hard.
If you're interested, Father,
we usually take
the losing roaches out back
and bet on which one
the crow eats first.
Considering the bum leg,
Mitch would be the favorite.
He might not be able to race,
but he still has value.
I'm gonna put him out to stud.
Fiona.
Yeah, Father?
I have a confession to make.
I really like you and I'm not a priest.
Reaction?
- I don't know what to say.
- You're right.
- I'm a disgusting sleazeball.
- Calm down.
In this place, you wouldn't
even crack the top 10.
I've always thought
you were a sweetheart.
And I wouldn't mind doing
something about it.
But why'd you think
you had to wear the collar?
'Cause, otherwise, they'd card me.
Because you're...?
20.
You're 20?
I'm 43.
Reaction?
Doesn't change a thing.
Murph, I'm going home!
♪ It's everywhere I go ♪
♪ So if you really love me ♪
♪ Come on and let it show ♪
We can feel good
about trusting those two.
I don't see the point
of all these webs
you ladies like to weave.
Eddie and Wendi
made two critical mistakes...
Eddie left the Woolworth's
receipt inside the coin purse,
and Wendi asked him out
in the first place.
I skillfully cut through all the lies.
Now everything's above board.
Yep.
You cracked the case, Mike.
Do you have a phone number
for that fella at your work
looking to buy a house
in our neighborhood?
- Why do you ask?
- Hm.
Hello, Sister Vincent.
Is Wendi ready?
We're gonna go to the movies.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'll... I'll just wait here.