The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Episode #1.15 - full transcript
Growing up, we rarely got any individual
attention from my mom.
And you didn't really want it.
Why can't you be taller?
What's the point of feeding you
if you're not doing anything with it?
The nurse at school said I lost an inch.
But one day a year was
different... our birthdays.
Mom went to town
with the arts and crafts.
Her chosen media... construction paper,
Elmer's Glue, and garbage.
♪ Happy birthday, dear William ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Make a wish!
I wish I could see.
Just paw around till you hit frosting.
Congratulations. 10 is a milestone.
I'm finally off the kids' menu.
At the movies, you're still 9.
I found a dime in my cake.
As a treat, when I mixed the batter,
I threw in all the spare change
from your father's car ashtray.
There's cake money?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh!
Hey! Stop stabbing my cake!
- I just want the money!
- Hey!
Don't run with that knife!
You might fall and bend it.
- Joey! Hey! Stop!
- Here's the old candles, Mom.
They're getting pretty stubby.
Well, if you kids sang the song faster,
it might stretch
for a few more birthdays.
Oh, just toss 'em, Peg.
There's nothing you can do with those.
Two fun facts about my mother...
she liked a creative challenge
and didn't like my father
telling her what to do.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Andy doesn't get a wish?
Oh, he'd just waste it on
a rattle or a diaper change.
What do people think of my Pinocchio?
Made it out of used birthday candles
and real hair I salvaged
from the shower drain.
Oh, that's what that weird smell is.
What you're smelling is me being right.
You told me I should
throw those candles away.
- Lawrence!
- Hey.
You came down from the seminary.
Boy howdy, look at that hair.
I know, it's getting a little shaggy.
A little? You look like Cousin Itt.
Yeah.
You missed cake. Where were you?
Hanging around the "Brady Bunch" house
hoping to be discovered.
Was Marcia there?
Ah, she's a fox.
I could go for Jan, too.
She's insecure...
- I can work with that.
- Nobody was there.
They don't even film
the show at that house.
Showbiz is all lies.
I can't wait to be a part of it.
Boy, that Casper is one friendly ghost.
We will be seeing more of him
later... or not!
He's a ghost!
"Boxcar Benji" was a
local show back in the good ol' days
when homelessness was still funny.
Let's have all
the birthday boys and girls
come on out here and strut their stuff.
That's when it hit me...
this show could be a way
to finally get my adorable
mug on television.
Certainly all the big agents
watched "Boxcar Benji."
I was this close to being discovered.
Man, these kids are
embarrassing themselves.
I've got to get on this show.
It's a hot ticket.
I could get you in.
It'll cost you 20 bucks.
And a hug.
You want a hug?
Not really, but it's funny
to make you do it.
Come on. Get in here!
This Nixon candle is really good.
My Young Republican club
could sell these
to raise money for the campaign.
That's Pinocchio, not Nixon.
Either way, it's a good notion.
We're setting up a table
at the swap meet.
We can donate all the proceeds
to the Committee to Re-Elect.
What do I know about politics?
You made a spot-on sculpture
of Richard Nixon.
I did, didn't I?
Well, I'd need more wax.
I suppose I could ask
Helen Portollo from the Altar Society
to save the old church candles.
Show owes me a favor since
I pretend to be her friend.
You won't be sorry, honey.
Some day when you tell folks
you were a Nixon supporter,
they'll look at you in a certain way.
- Hmm.
- Amen.
On Eddie's birthday every year,
Mom went to twice as much trouble.
- Want any more pancakes?
- No thanks, Mom.
It seems Eddie had a twin
with him in the womb
who disappeared during
the first trimester.
Mom had made her mind up that
the vanishing twin was a girl.
And Eddie forever carried the stigma
of having absorbed his sister "Lynn."
Sure you don't want any more?
Bad things happen when you're hungry.
I'm fine.
Then it's time to go.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lynn ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ And many more ♪
Lynn's here. We've stirred her!
- Look!
- Oh, nonsense.
Lynn's up in Heaven.
And she wouldn't be wearing
denim on her birthday.
Maybe she's come for revenge.
This is gonna be distracting.
Please ask that girl
to leave the cemetery.
It's just one day a year.
It's just one day a year.
Sorry to bother you,
especially if you're grieving.
But could you please mourn
someplace else?
You're scaring my little brother.
He thinks you're
the ghost of my dead twin
who I absorbed in the womb.
I get that a lot.
What's with the camera?
Is this somebody famous?
The original Lassie
is buried here somewhere.
He was really a boy, by the way.
This is the grave of Jean Kittering.
The first women doctor in this area.
So, who did women go to
before he came along?
A woman doctor, not a doctor for women.
So he wouldn't treat women?
No, she was a woman.
Oh!
And I assumed because Jean was a doctor
she couldn't be a woman.
That's a nice reminder
that women can do anything.
Except play Lassie...
who is around here somewhere.
Because it's somebody's birthday!
Is it?
Yeah!
- No?!
- Here you are. "Boxcar Benji."
- Outstanding.
- I thought so.
"All audience members must be
10 years of age or younger."
Oh, no problem.
My headshot says I can play 8 to 25.
An "ID will be required."
I'll get you a fake ID, easy.
I-I could even get you
a pilot's license.
By the way, if you ever hear,
"This is your captain, Warren Ashby,"
I suggest a hasty disembark.
April Portollo?
Last time I saw you
was the fourth grade,
we were playing hide and seek.
Well, then I'd say I won.
My mom asked me to drop
these off for your mom.
Yeah, she needs wax
for her Nixon project.
I thought Agnew was the one made of wax.
And Nixon was made out of lies
and children's tears.
Well, my dad says
that in these tough times,
we need a strong leader like Nixon.
Hmm. What do you say?
Even Catholics are entitled
to think for themselves.
Hmm. I guess I repeat what my dad says,
just in a less frightening tone.
How often do you come out here?
Just for my birthday.
Which would have been
Lynn's birthday, too,
if I hadn't hogged
all the amniotic fluid.
That's so strange,
because I crave amniotic fluid.
Oooooooooh.
I'm kidding.
If I was your sister's ghost,
would I ask you to
take me out some time?
You heard all my weird family stuff
and you still want to go out with me?
You're cute,
plus you know a lot about Lassie.
I do. For the dangerous stunts,
they used a Shetland pony
in a collie suit.
But I'll save the rest for our date.
I should go before I change my mind.
Thank you, Lynn!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no! No, no! Aah! No!
Oh.
There's Lassie.
Kids, let's go! Birthday time!
My mom got pretty busy
making and selling candles for Nixon.
It fell to our dad to take over
when it came to our birthdays.
Where's all the decorations?
Here. Turn this into a crown.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ The song's almost over ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
Make a wish.
There aren't any candles.
Just blow on the cake so we can eat it.
I'll help.
I'm definitely not having any now.
Enjoy your spit cake.
Want to go get his present?
Or you could go get his present.
I worked a long day,
stopped to get dinner
and a cake on my way home,
so I guess now I'll go to our bedroom
and get Frank that present
we put a lot of thought into.
I know a lucky boy
who's getting a shoe tree.
Yes!
Hey. Did I miss Frank's birthday?
I bought him a shaving kit.
Oh, so thoughtful. This is from me now.
So you're still in the candle business?
I just hope these Nixon people
put the money to good use.
Yeah, buy more fear-mongering TV ads.
Yeah, those are very good.
- Vote for Nixon or ka-boom!
- Yeah.
It's good to see you
doing your own thing, Mom.
You've always been so talented, yeah.
It's time other people saw that.
Ugh, people.
I like making stuff for our family.
But now that I'm part of
the Nixon administration,
who has the time?
Other than the shaving kit,
I really dropped the ball
on Frank's birthday.
Then stop making candles.
Dad'll understand.
Then Nixon loses, the Reds take over,
the whole country's mad at me?
No thanks.
Mom, Pat's choking!
Whoever invented candle-making
did not have kids.
Under control, Peg.
- Just a coin from the cake.
- Dad had me stick a few quarters in.
Quarters? We use dimes and pennies.
Quarters are much too generous.
Oh, so this is my fault?
Oh, it's out.
Gosh. Honestly.
Peg, this isn't working.
I had to bring home Sara Lee
and McDonald's tonight.
I don't want these kids
to start expecting the finer things.
It's this candle rigmarole.
- I was just saying to Lawrence...
- That you're gonna give it up?
- Because you've really been
- Well, actually...
letting things slide around here.
Look, I know your heart's set on it,
but I'm putting my foot down.
You're putting your foot where?
As usual, talking to my mom like this
just made her do the opposite
of what he wanted...
even though it was the opposite
of what she wanted, too.
I'm putting it down, Peg.
This candle nonsense is done.
Over the years, my parents
perfected a kind of arguing...
Candles for sale.
...where one of them would lose...
Nixon fundraising candles.
...and the other one would
somehow also lose.
I just wanted to say
happy birthday, son.
You get that care package Mom sent?
Yeah, I wore my crown to breakfast
and got quite the ribbing.
You know, you'd think the
Catholic Church would have
a little bit more acceptance
for people in funny hats.
I know your mom will miss seeing you...
she's soft that way.
Peg, you want to say hey to Lawrence?
I'm good. They're $4 apiece.
Thank you.
These weirdos aren't buying
our candles patriotically.
- They just want to mock our President.
- Who cares?
I'm outselling everyone,
even the sturdy woman
who makes pottery.
Oh, your wax effigies are lovely, dear.
Oh. They're really excellent,
aren't they?
I do watercolor portraiture myself.
Would you be interested
in an artist's trade?
Careful, that could be
beatnik code for a drug deal.
Shh, artists are talking.
I could paint a portrait of you
in exchange for one of your pieces.
Oh, I would never want
a picture of myself.
- I'm not that crazy.
- Oh.
What I'd really love is a painting
- of my unborn daughter Lynn.
- Oh.
All right, Peg, you about done here?
Not even close, these things
are selling like hot-pants.
Well, I got to go.
I've got family responsibilities...
child supervision, lawn maintenance...
the kind of things I put
before any frivolous hobbies.
Got it.
But would you mind taking this empty box
we brought the candles in?
There you go.
Oh, wait, this one's empty, too.
And this one. This one, too.
Gosh, guess I sold
more of my frivolous hobbies
than I realized today.
Peggy!
Oh, hi, Helen.
- I've been dying to catch up with you.
- Oh.
Steven and I just
got back from Acapulco.
- I can see your tan.
- Not all of it!
The way the beaches are down there...
...I'm the same color all over.
Oh.
You know, you and Mike should go.
Maybe someday when we're older,
like you and Steven.
Well, why wait?
I mean, you don't have
to stay where we stayed.
There's plenty of lower-priced options.
- These are so clever.
- Mm.
You know, when you asked me
for the used altar candles,
I was really worried
that the electric company
had finally shut off your lights.
Here's some more Pinocchios, Mom.
They're Nixons now, keep up.
I just saw Lynn's ghost!
She followed me here!
You saw the girl from the cemetery?
- Where?
- This way.
There's also a dead bird
you can pet for free.
You know, my friend runs
the Spencer Gifts
at the new Eagle Rock mall.
It's very, very upscale...
I'm sure you haven't been there.
But I bet that she could sell these.
You think my little doodads
are good enough to sell at the mall?
Oh, please, you wouldn't
believe the tacky junk
people waste their money on these days.
Why don't I just take a few to her
and see what she thinks.
Oh, Helen, that is so kind of you.
Gosh, I just don't understand
why people say
such awful things about you.
Ernie. Meet my brother.
I-I'd like a false ID, please.
I need to be 10 years old
to go to "Boxcar Benji."
A 10-year-old with a driver's license
is gonna look suspicious.
Except in Honduras.
They got kid taxi drivers.
That place is a mess.
I got to get down there
before the party's over.
A passport ought to do it.
Fill this out.
Have it back to you in a couple weeks.
- Thanks, Ernie.
- All right.
Hey, you're forgetting something.
She's in there.
I didn't know ghosts
went to the bathroom.
- Or girls.
- Boy-oh-boy,
I've been trying to find this
girl since my birthday,
but I didn't even catch her name.
Her name is Lynn and now she's pooping.
Thanks for the help,
but when she comes out, play it cool.
Oh, I know how to be with women.
You look beautiful, Lynn.
And that was the day
it was finally confirmed
that Pat needed...
Glasses! I got glasses!
Here, Frank.
We short-changed you on your birthday,
so I got you something, too.
- A glasses repair kit?
- Those glasses aren't cheap.
- It won't be long before that kid...
- They broke.
The gift of responsibility.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
I just got my passport in the mail.
Look at that raised lettering.
For a low-life,
Ernie does exemplary work.
But it says I'm from Denmark.
And he gave you a bitchin' name, too.
"Donk Slimhammer."
The whole point was to make
"Timmy Cleary" famous.
I think it's Donk's time to shine.
Timmy Cleary, eh.
Donk Slimhammer,
that guy's going places.
I'm here!
We can start Pat's birthday now.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, you guys started without me.
Is that Mom?
And you gave him his glasses,
even though I'm the one
who found them on a bus bench.
You sound like my mom.
You're so busy, Peg,
I never know when you're gonna show up.
And where's everybody else?
Oh... Eddie had a thing,
Timmy had a thing,
Joey didn't have a thing
but he had no interest.
Family birthdays are like Mass
on the Feast of the Most Holy
Blood of Saint Boniface...
attendance is mandatory.
Except for you.
Okay, you know what, Mike?
Don't worry about it.
I'll just do everything...
I'll do the birthdays
and I'll single-handedly get
our President re-elected.
But right now I'm gonna go bake Pat
an old-fashioned, home-made
birthday cake from a box.
- I already have a cake.
- You're getting another one!
Hey, there's a present for Timmy
in the closet there.
- Can I help, Momma?
- I don't know, Pat, can you?
No.
What the heck is this?
You're getting Timmy a picture
of Eddie wearing pigtails?
It's a look you might consider.
It frames your face nicely.
No. You grabbed the wrong tube.
That's the Lynn painting I got
from that swap meet weirdo.
That doesn't look like Lynn at all.
This is crazy, Mom, you have to stop.
You've hung this Lynn thing
over me for way too long,
trying to make me feel guilty
for something I had nothing to do with.
You were the last one to see her.
I didn't even have eyes yet!
It was a long time ago, Mom.
If we can forgive the Germans,
we can maybe forgive Eddie.
I haven't forgiven the Germans.
You're right.
Who's to say what happened in there?
And it's certainly not healthy
to brood on things.
- Thank you.
- Next time any of you die,
I promise not to dwell.
I guess I won't get it framed
and hang it over your bed.
For now.
The real Lynn is prettier anyway.
See?
My God! It's her.
Hello? Directory assistance.
My name is Eddie and I need you
to find a number for me.
Nice threads.
Is that the latest fashion
from Copenhagen?
It's gonna be hard slipping away.
Mom seems extra excited
about this birthday.
She loves birthdays.
Another chance to take a bow
for pushing out eight kids.
Congratulations,
you did what a cat can do.
Hells bells! That hair, Lawrence.
You walk in a room these days,
I think it's Jesus come to take me.
Then I realize it's just you
and I still have to do
tomorrow's laundry.
While you're at it...
Oh, there's my boy! Or girl.
Getting harder to tell these days.
It's just hair, Dad...
trying something different.
- Everybody wants to be "different."
- Mm.
You know what would really be different?
Just being the same.
"The same" would be different.
Hmm. You got some sort
of point there, Dad.
I'm gonna go wash up for the party.
The party. Your surprise for Timmy.
Mm.
You're full of surprises.
Helen Portollo just dropped off a check.
They paid me for my candles.
Apparently you're selling
them in the mall now?
The Spencer Gifts in Eagle Rock,
and they're going like gang-busters.
They even outsold those teeth
that run around on tables.
At what price, Peg?
$3.99.
10% off if you say Peggy sent you.
I mean what it costs your family.
It doesn't cost us anything,
in fact here's a check
with my name on it.
"Mrs. Michael Cleary."
And I'm not letting anything slide.
The kids are all fed and clothed.
I know where most of them are,
and I'm about to throw Timmy
the best party he's ever had.
So what exactly is the problem, Mike?
Everybody out to the garage!
We're having a party!
Why do you look so stupid?
It's Danish.
Okay, you wouldn't get it.
I've got five minutes to catch my bus.
What on earth does Mom need
to show me in the garage?
Maybe they finally rented you
that boxing kangaroo you always ask for.
I'm not getting my hopes up again.
Timmy, I know you love
that show with the bum.
So I tried to get you tickets
but found out you were too old.
So I did the next best thing.
Ta-da!
You did all this?
Happy birthday, Timmy.
♪ Check your bindles at the door ♪
♪ Boogie on down to the dance floor ♪
I was trapped, trapped in that way
only a loving family can trap you.
I wanted so much to catch my bus
and get my moment of TV stardom
on the real "Boxcar Benji" show.
Fun! I didn't miss it!
♪ Dance with Boxcar Benji
to the birthday... ♪
But my mom.
She wanted so much to give this to me,
something hand-crafted
from the heart for my birthday.
♪ A can of beans
and your two good feet ♪
♪ Riding the rails to that hobo beat ♪
♪ Seeing the world from a boxcar seat ♪
♪ Being a hobo is so darn neat ♪
♪ Boxcar Benji ♪
I made my choice.
I put family before stardom.
It would not be the last time
I made that dumb mistake.
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
I stashed a sliver away
before those jackals
snarfed it all down.
I'm fine, thank you.
Mmm.
Is that cherry I'm tasting
in your frosting?
That piece was meant for Pat.
I mixed some cough syrup in
to try to tamp him down a notch.
You gave Timmy a heck of a party, Peg.
You're running things around
here like you always did
and also making money.
I've got no right to complain.
Oh, Mike.
That's so... true.
I guess I just like being the one
that brings home the bacon around here.
When I saw that check today,
it just made me feel like...
...what am I here for?
Are you kidding?
I look around at our family
and what we've built...
I realize you're the only person
I like in this house.
I feel the same way.
And I-I want to be supportive.
So, just know that I'm happy
you're making candles,
and I want you to keep doing it.
I'm gonna quit.
What? No, you have a talent.
I insist you use it.
Are you putting your foot down?
I'll be using my foot very judiciously
from here on out.
Mike, I never wanted to be
a high-powered career woman
like Mary Tyler Moore or Betty Crocker.
I'll just go back to being a
creative genius around here,
like I've always been.
Here, use this to pay
the Water and Power,
finally replace the asbestos
in the attic.
Look, it'd be great to get new asbestos.
But no, this is yours.
- Spend it on something you really...
- Acapulco.
Acapulco?
The one in Mexico?
Whichever one that show-off Helen
and her stupid bald husband went to.
She had a margarita, big deal.
All right, we'll go to Acapulco.
Oh, you're coming, too?
Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting
one of those all-over tans.
Yeah. I'm definitely doing that
whether the beach we're on
allows it or not.
A few weeks later when it was
Joey's birthday,
his wish was that we all
go to the beach.
Whoo-hoo!
My mom and dad were glad to accommodate
since they were already
headed to the beach.
In Acapulco.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
But the rest of us were happy
to give Joey his birthday wish,
a family beach day.
That he didn't have to go to.
Have fun! Take your time!
Girls...
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
attention from my mom.
And you didn't really want it.
Why can't you be taller?
What's the point of feeding you
if you're not doing anything with it?
The nurse at school said I lost an inch.
But one day a year was
different... our birthdays.
Mom went to town
with the arts and crafts.
Her chosen media... construction paper,
Elmer's Glue, and garbage.
♪ Happy birthday, dear William ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Make a wish!
I wish I could see.
Just paw around till you hit frosting.
Congratulations. 10 is a milestone.
I'm finally off the kids' menu.
At the movies, you're still 9.
I found a dime in my cake.
As a treat, when I mixed the batter,
I threw in all the spare change
from your father's car ashtray.
There's cake money?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh!
Hey! Stop stabbing my cake!
- I just want the money!
- Hey!
Don't run with that knife!
You might fall and bend it.
- Joey! Hey! Stop!
- Here's the old candles, Mom.
They're getting pretty stubby.
Well, if you kids sang the song faster,
it might stretch
for a few more birthdays.
Oh, just toss 'em, Peg.
There's nothing you can do with those.
Two fun facts about my mother...
she liked a creative challenge
and didn't like my father
telling her what to do.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Andy doesn't get a wish?
Oh, he'd just waste it on
a rattle or a diaper change.
What do people think of my Pinocchio?
Made it out of used birthday candles
and real hair I salvaged
from the shower drain.
Oh, that's what that weird smell is.
What you're smelling is me being right.
You told me I should
throw those candles away.
- Lawrence!
- Hey.
You came down from the seminary.
Boy howdy, look at that hair.
I know, it's getting a little shaggy.
A little? You look like Cousin Itt.
Yeah.
You missed cake. Where were you?
Hanging around the "Brady Bunch" house
hoping to be discovered.
Was Marcia there?
Ah, she's a fox.
I could go for Jan, too.
She's insecure...
- I can work with that.
- Nobody was there.
They don't even film
the show at that house.
Showbiz is all lies.
I can't wait to be a part of it.
Boy, that Casper is one friendly ghost.
We will be seeing more of him
later... or not!
He's a ghost!
"Boxcar Benji" was a
local show back in the good ol' days
when homelessness was still funny.
Let's have all
the birthday boys and girls
come on out here and strut their stuff.
That's when it hit me...
this show could be a way
to finally get my adorable
mug on television.
Certainly all the big agents
watched "Boxcar Benji."
I was this close to being discovered.
Man, these kids are
embarrassing themselves.
I've got to get on this show.
It's a hot ticket.
I could get you in.
It'll cost you 20 bucks.
And a hug.
You want a hug?
Not really, but it's funny
to make you do it.
Come on. Get in here!
This Nixon candle is really good.
My Young Republican club
could sell these
to raise money for the campaign.
That's Pinocchio, not Nixon.
Either way, it's a good notion.
We're setting up a table
at the swap meet.
We can donate all the proceeds
to the Committee to Re-Elect.
What do I know about politics?
You made a spot-on sculpture
of Richard Nixon.
I did, didn't I?
Well, I'd need more wax.
I suppose I could ask
Helen Portollo from the Altar Society
to save the old church candles.
Show owes me a favor since
I pretend to be her friend.
You won't be sorry, honey.
Some day when you tell folks
you were a Nixon supporter,
they'll look at you in a certain way.
- Hmm.
- Amen.
On Eddie's birthday every year,
Mom went to twice as much trouble.
- Want any more pancakes?
- No thanks, Mom.
It seems Eddie had a twin
with him in the womb
who disappeared during
the first trimester.
Mom had made her mind up that
the vanishing twin was a girl.
And Eddie forever carried the stigma
of having absorbed his sister "Lynn."
Sure you don't want any more?
Bad things happen when you're hungry.
I'm fine.
Then it's time to go.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lynn ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ And many more ♪
Lynn's here. We've stirred her!
- Look!
- Oh, nonsense.
Lynn's up in Heaven.
And she wouldn't be wearing
denim on her birthday.
Maybe she's come for revenge.
This is gonna be distracting.
Please ask that girl
to leave the cemetery.
It's just one day a year.
It's just one day a year.
Sorry to bother you,
especially if you're grieving.
But could you please mourn
someplace else?
You're scaring my little brother.
He thinks you're
the ghost of my dead twin
who I absorbed in the womb.
I get that a lot.
What's with the camera?
Is this somebody famous?
The original Lassie
is buried here somewhere.
He was really a boy, by the way.
This is the grave of Jean Kittering.
The first women doctor in this area.
So, who did women go to
before he came along?
A woman doctor, not a doctor for women.
So he wouldn't treat women?
No, she was a woman.
Oh!
And I assumed because Jean was a doctor
she couldn't be a woman.
That's a nice reminder
that women can do anything.
Except play Lassie...
who is around here somewhere.
Because it's somebody's birthday!
Is it?
Yeah!
- No?!
- Here you are. "Boxcar Benji."
- Outstanding.
- I thought so.
"All audience members must be
10 years of age or younger."
Oh, no problem.
My headshot says I can play 8 to 25.
An "ID will be required."
I'll get you a fake ID, easy.
I-I could even get you
a pilot's license.
By the way, if you ever hear,
"This is your captain, Warren Ashby,"
I suggest a hasty disembark.
April Portollo?
Last time I saw you
was the fourth grade,
we were playing hide and seek.
Well, then I'd say I won.
My mom asked me to drop
these off for your mom.
Yeah, she needs wax
for her Nixon project.
I thought Agnew was the one made of wax.
And Nixon was made out of lies
and children's tears.
Well, my dad says
that in these tough times,
we need a strong leader like Nixon.
Hmm. What do you say?
Even Catholics are entitled
to think for themselves.
Hmm. I guess I repeat what my dad says,
just in a less frightening tone.
How often do you come out here?
Just for my birthday.
Which would have been
Lynn's birthday, too,
if I hadn't hogged
all the amniotic fluid.
That's so strange,
because I crave amniotic fluid.
Oooooooooh.
I'm kidding.
If I was your sister's ghost,
would I ask you to
take me out some time?
You heard all my weird family stuff
and you still want to go out with me?
You're cute,
plus you know a lot about Lassie.
I do. For the dangerous stunts,
they used a Shetland pony
in a collie suit.
But I'll save the rest for our date.
I should go before I change my mind.
Thank you, Lynn!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no! No, no! Aah! No!
Oh.
There's Lassie.
Kids, let's go! Birthday time!
My mom got pretty busy
making and selling candles for Nixon.
It fell to our dad to take over
when it came to our birthdays.
Where's all the decorations?
Here. Turn this into a crown.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ The song's almost over ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
Make a wish.
There aren't any candles.
Just blow on the cake so we can eat it.
I'll help.
I'm definitely not having any now.
Enjoy your spit cake.
Want to go get his present?
Or you could go get his present.
I worked a long day,
stopped to get dinner
and a cake on my way home,
so I guess now I'll go to our bedroom
and get Frank that present
we put a lot of thought into.
I know a lucky boy
who's getting a shoe tree.
Yes!
Hey. Did I miss Frank's birthday?
I bought him a shaving kit.
Oh, so thoughtful. This is from me now.
So you're still in the candle business?
I just hope these Nixon people
put the money to good use.
Yeah, buy more fear-mongering TV ads.
Yeah, those are very good.
- Vote for Nixon or ka-boom!
- Yeah.
It's good to see you
doing your own thing, Mom.
You've always been so talented, yeah.
It's time other people saw that.
Ugh, people.
I like making stuff for our family.
But now that I'm part of
the Nixon administration,
who has the time?
Other than the shaving kit,
I really dropped the ball
on Frank's birthday.
Then stop making candles.
Dad'll understand.
Then Nixon loses, the Reds take over,
the whole country's mad at me?
No thanks.
Mom, Pat's choking!
Whoever invented candle-making
did not have kids.
Under control, Peg.
- Just a coin from the cake.
- Dad had me stick a few quarters in.
Quarters? We use dimes and pennies.
Quarters are much too generous.
Oh, so this is my fault?
Oh, it's out.
Gosh. Honestly.
Peg, this isn't working.
I had to bring home Sara Lee
and McDonald's tonight.
I don't want these kids
to start expecting the finer things.
It's this candle rigmarole.
- I was just saying to Lawrence...
- That you're gonna give it up?
- Because you've really been
- Well, actually...
letting things slide around here.
Look, I know your heart's set on it,
but I'm putting my foot down.
You're putting your foot where?
As usual, talking to my mom like this
just made her do the opposite
of what he wanted...
even though it was the opposite
of what she wanted, too.
I'm putting it down, Peg.
This candle nonsense is done.
Over the years, my parents
perfected a kind of arguing...
Candles for sale.
...where one of them would lose...
Nixon fundraising candles.
...and the other one would
somehow also lose.
I just wanted to say
happy birthday, son.
You get that care package Mom sent?
Yeah, I wore my crown to breakfast
and got quite the ribbing.
You know, you'd think the
Catholic Church would have
a little bit more acceptance
for people in funny hats.
I know your mom will miss seeing you...
she's soft that way.
Peg, you want to say hey to Lawrence?
I'm good. They're $4 apiece.
Thank you.
These weirdos aren't buying
our candles patriotically.
- They just want to mock our President.
- Who cares?
I'm outselling everyone,
even the sturdy woman
who makes pottery.
Oh, your wax effigies are lovely, dear.
Oh. They're really excellent,
aren't they?
I do watercolor portraiture myself.
Would you be interested
in an artist's trade?
Careful, that could be
beatnik code for a drug deal.
Shh, artists are talking.
I could paint a portrait of you
in exchange for one of your pieces.
Oh, I would never want
a picture of myself.
- I'm not that crazy.
- Oh.
What I'd really love is a painting
- of my unborn daughter Lynn.
- Oh.
All right, Peg, you about done here?
Not even close, these things
are selling like hot-pants.
Well, I got to go.
I've got family responsibilities...
child supervision, lawn maintenance...
the kind of things I put
before any frivolous hobbies.
Got it.
But would you mind taking this empty box
we brought the candles in?
There you go.
Oh, wait, this one's empty, too.
And this one. This one, too.
Gosh, guess I sold
more of my frivolous hobbies
than I realized today.
Peggy!
Oh, hi, Helen.
- I've been dying to catch up with you.
- Oh.
Steven and I just
got back from Acapulco.
- I can see your tan.
- Not all of it!
The way the beaches are down there...
...I'm the same color all over.
Oh.
You know, you and Mike should go.
Maybe someday when we're older,
like you and Steven.
Well, why wait?
I mean, you don't have
to stay where we stayed.
There's plenty of lower-priced options.
- These are so clever.
- Mm.
You know, when you asked me
for the used altar candles,
I was really worried
that the electric company
had finally shut off your lights.
Here's some more Pinocchios, Mom.
They're Nixons now, keep up.
I just saw Lynn's ghost!
She followed me here!
You saw the girl from the cemetery?
- Where?
- This way.
There's also a dead bird
you can pet for free.
You know, my friend runs
the Spencer Gifts
at the new Eagle Rock mall.
It's very, very upscale...
I'm sure you haven't been there.
But I bet that she could sell these.
You think my little doodads
are good enough to sell at the mall?
Oh, please, you wouldn't
believe the tacky junk
people waste their money on these days.
Why don't I just take a few to her
and see what she thinks.
Oh, Helen, that is so kind of you.
Gosh, I just don't understand
why people say
such awful things about you.
Ernie. Meet my brother.
I-I'd like a false ID, please.
I need to be 10 years old
to go to "Boxcar Benji."
A 10-year-old with a driver's license
is gonna look suspicious.
Except in Honduras.
They got kid taxi drivers.
That place is a mess.
I got to get down there
before the party's over.
A passport ought to do it.
Fill this out.
Have it back to you in a couple weeks.
- Thanks, Ernie.
- All right.
Hey, you're forgetting something.
She's in there.
I didn't know ghosts
went to the bathroom.
- Or girls.
- Boy-oh-boy,
I've been trying to find this
girl since my birthday,
but I didn't even catch her name.
Her name is Lynn and now she's pooping.
Thanks for the help,
but when she comes out, play it cool.
Oh, I know how to be with women.
You look beautiful, Lynn.
And that was the day
it was finally confirmed
that Pat needed...
Glasses! I got glasses!
Here, Frank.
We short-changed you on your birthday,
so I got you something, too.
- A glasses repair kit?
- Those glasses aren't cheap.
- It won't be long before that kid...
- They broke.
The gift of responsibility.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
I just got my passport in the mail.
Look at that raised lettering.
For a low-life,
Ernie does exemplary work.
But it says I'm from Denmark.
And he gave you a bitchin' name, too.
"Donk Slimhammer."
The whole point was to make
"Timmy Cleary" famous.
I think it's Donk's time to shine.
Timmy Cleary, eh.
Donk Slimhammer,
that guy's going places.
I'm here!
We can start Pat's birthday now.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, you guys started without me.
Is that Mom?
And you gave him his glasses,
even though I'm the one
who found them on a bus bench.
You sound like my mom.
You're so busy, Peg,
I never know when you're gonna show up.
And where's everybody else?
Oh... Eddie had a thing,
Timmy had a thing,
Joey didn't have a thing
but he had no interest.
Family birthdays are like Mass
on the Feast of the Most Holy
Blood of Saint Boniface...
attendance is mandatory.
Except for you.
Okay, you know what, Mike?
Don't worry about it.
I'll just do everything...
I'll do the birthdays
and I'll single-handedly get
our President re-elected.
But right now I'm gonna go bake Pat
an old-fashioned, home-made
birthday cake from a box.
- I already have a cake.
- You're getting another one!
Hey, there's a present for Timmy
in the closet there.
- Can I help, Momma?
- I don't know, Pat, can you?
No.
What the heck is this?
You're getting Timmy a picture
of Eddie wearing pigtails?
It's a look you might consider.
It frames your face nicely.
No. You grabbed the wrong tube.
That's the Lynn painting I got
from that swap meet weirdo.
That doesn't look like Lynn at all.
This is crazy, Mom, you have to stop.
You've hung this Lynn thing
over me for way too long,
trying to make me feel guilty
for something I had nothing to do with.
You were the last one to see her.
I didn't even have eyes yet!
It was a long time ago, Mom.
If we can forgive the Germans,
we can maybe forgive Eddie.
I haven't forgiven the Germans.
You're right.
Who's to say what happened in there?
And it's certainly not healthy
to brood on things.
- Thank you.
- Next time any of you die,
I promise not to dwell.
I guess I won't get it framed
and hang it over your bed.
For now.
The real Lynn is prettier anyway.
See?
My God! It's her.
Hello? Directory assistance.
My name is Eddie and I need you
to find a number for me.
Nice threads.
Is that the latest fashion
from Copenhagen?
It's gonna be hard slipping away.
Mom seems extra excited
about this birthday.
She loves birthdays.
Another chance to take a bow
for pushing out eight kids.
Congratulations,
you did what a cat can do.
Hells bells! That hair, Lawrence.
You walk in a room these days,
I think it's Jesus come to take me.
Then I realize it's just you
and I still have to do
tomorrow's laundry.
While you're at it...
Oh, there's my boy! Or girl.
Getting harder to tell these days.
It's just hair, Dad...
trying something different.
- Everybody wants to be "different."
- Mm.
You know what would really be different?
Just being the same.
"The same" would be different.
Hmm. You got some sort
of point there, Dad.
I'm gonna go wash up for the party.
The party. Your surprise for Timmy.
Mm.
You're full of surprises.
Helen Portollo just dropped off a check.
They paid me for my candles.
Apparently you're selling
them in the mall now?
The Spencer Gifts in Eagle Rock,
and they're going like gang-busters.
They even outsold those teeth
that run around on tables.
At what price, Peg?
$3.99.
10% off if you say Peggy sent you.
I mean what it costs your family.
It doesn't cost us anything,
in fact here's a check
with my name on it.
"Mrs. Michael Cleary."
And I'm not letting anything slide.
The kids are all fed and clothed.
I know where most of them are,
and I'm about to throw Timmy
the best party he's ever had.
So what exactly is the problem, Mike?
Everybody out to the garage!
We're having a party!
Why do you look so stupid?
It's Danish.
Okay, you wouldn't get it.
I've got five minutes to catch my bus.
What on earth does Mom need
to show me in the garage?
Maybe they finally rented you
that boxing kangaroo you always ask for.
I'm not getting my hopes up again.
Timmy, I know you love
that show with the bum.
So I tried to get you tickets
but found out you were too old.
So I did the next best thing.
Ta-da!
You did all this?
Happy birthday, Timmy.
♪ Check your bindles at the door ♪
♪ Boogie on down to the dance floor ♪
I was trapped, trapped in that way
only a loving family can trap you.
I wanted so much to catch my bus
and get my moment of TV stardom
on the real "Boxcar Benji" show.
Fun! I didn't miss it!
♪ Dance with Boxcar Benji
to the birthday... ♪
But my mom.
She wanted so much to give this to me,
something hand-crafted
from the heart for my birthday.
♪ A can of beans
and your two good feet ♪
♪ Riding the rails to that hobo beat ♪
♪ Seeing the world from a boxcar seat ♪
♪ Being a hobo is so darn neat ♪
♪ Boxcar Benji ♪
I made my choice.
I put family before stardom.
It would not be the last time
I made that dumb mistake.
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
I stashed a sliver away
before those jackals
snarfed it all down.
I'm fine, thank you.
Mmm.
Is that cherry I'm tasting
in your frosting?
That piece was meant for Pat.
I mixed some cough syrup in
to try to tamp him down a notch.
You gave Timmy a heck of a party, Peg.
You're running things around
here like you always did
and also making money.
I've got no right to complain.
Oh, Mike.
That's so... true.
I guess I just like being the one
that brings home the bacon around here.
When I saw that check today,
it just made me feel like...
...what am I here for?
Are you kidding?
I look around at our family
and what we've built...
I realize you're the only person
I like in this house.
I feel the same way.
And I-I want to be supportive.
So, just know that I'm happy
you're making candles,
and I want you to keep doing it.
I'm gonna quit.
What? No, you have a talent.
I insist you use it.
Are you putting your foot down?
I'll be using my foot very judiciously
from here on out.
Mike, I never wanted to be
a high-powered career woman
like Mary Tyler Moore or Betty Crocker.
I'll just go back to being a
creative genius around here,
like I've always been.
Here, use this to pay
the Water and Power,
finally replace the asbestos
in the attic.
Look, it'd be great to get new asbestos.
But no, this is yours.
- Spend it on something you really...
- Acapulco.
Acapulco?
The one in Mexico?
Whichever one that show-off Helen
and her stupid bald husband went to.
She had a margarita, big deal.
All right, we'll go to Acapulco.
Oh, you're coming, too?
Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting
one of those all-over tans.
Yeah. I'm definitely doing that
whether the beach we're on
allows it or not.
A few weeks later when it was
Joey's birthday,
his wish was that we all
go to the beach.
Whoo-hoo!
My mom and dad were glad to accommodate
since they were already
headed to the beach.
In Acapulco.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
But the rest of us were happy
to give Joey his birthday wish,
a family beach day.
That he didn't have to go to.
Have fun! Take your time!
Girls...
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com