The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (2009–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - In Which Claims Are Made and a Journey Ensues - full transcript

The charges are as follows:

Funding a terrorist organization,

possession of biological
weapons, blackmail,

possession of child pornography
with the intent to distribute,

possession of...

Order, order!
Silence in the court!

Oh, actually, here's the kitchen.
Every Friday, we have...

Look, I don't really have time to waste,
all right? I got a 4 o'clock with my waxer.

I don't really give a shit where
you heat up your noodles. Hey, guy,

if I wanted to see you wear jeans,
I'd go to your shitty house.

Look, I don't really know what it is
that you do here, nor do I give a shit.



- Okay...
- Point is, Global National bought this company,

and they spent a lot of money,
so here's what we're gonna do:

I was recently in London. You know what
they go fucking shithouse for over there?

- Madonna?
- Energy drinks.

Can't get enough of it. It's like
fucking crack to these people.

- Really?
- Who gives a shit?

The point is, Global National took a majority
stake in "Thunder Muscle" energy drinks,

- and I wanna tap into that U.K. market.
- That's actually not what we do here at this branch.

So, I'm gonna need one of you guys to head
over there, pronto. Head this thing up.

Preferably, not a woman. I want
somebody with some fucking balls.

Look here, asshole! No-no-no!

You need me more than I need
you! Let's get that clear!

Listen to me, you silly little
prick! I make one phone call,

and I'll have you sellin' rotten
bananas in a Kazakhstan bus depot,



right across the way from Kazakhstan's
best fuckin' banana sales...

- I can't do this.
- Repeat after me.

"Those kazaks will tear you
a new pussy and asshole."

- What am I doing?
- I love this fucking guy.

Todd Margaret... he's a temp. He has no
experience in international marketing.

- Bullshit. He's perfect!
- Hey, you wanted to see me?

Hey, there he is. Todd, Brent Wilts,
Global National. Just bought the company.

Boy, do I have a proposition for you.

- Mr. Wilts, I...
- Shut up, fucktard!

How would you like to go to London
and head up a satellite office there?

Sell energy drinks to the U.K.!
Here's the deal:

I'm gonna set you up with an office, an
apartment, a credit card, all that shit.

- I can start ya at 120 grand.
- A hundred and twenty thousand dollars?

- Wait a second, Mr...
- Why the fuck are you talking?

A hundred and twenty K... That's just to start.
We can talk about more based on performance.

- Yeah.
- Are you familiar with the U.K. market,

- with their culture, stuff like that?
- Oh, me? Me?

Todd Margaret? Absolutely.
I know it really well. I mean,

it's one of those things where,
you know, I probably have...

Actually, my dad is from Leeds which
is England, so I would spend summers there.

- That's not true.
- Great. So,

maybe your dad can
help us out with the media.

Well, he's dead,
so that won't happen.

- When did he pass away?
- Well, a week ago, give or take a day.

- So, you're gonna have to bury him...
- Hey, fuckhead, he said it was okay.

Shut your fucking talk hole!
So, what? You gotta

- bury the body or...
- Well, I mean, we lucked out, and he

was skydiving over the ocean,
so that took care of it for us.

- Mr. Wilts, if I can say...
- Hey, asshole,

I make one call to your boss, and you're gonna
sell shit berries in an uzbek bus station.

Nice, right? I learned
that one from you, guy.

Bang it out... I'm serious.
You are fired. Get the fuck outta here.

- Please don't speak... That's unnecessary.
- You are fucking fired! Get the fuck out...

Jesus! Todd Margaret, congrats, buddy.
You are on your way to London.

- Wow!
- Wait.

You don't have any family,
right... no wife or kids?

No pets, girlfriend, shit like that that I
gotta worry about? I need total commitment here.

I got nothin'.

Look, I know this is sudden, but I got
this amazing job offer to go to London

and head up this office there,
but here's the thing:

I gotta leave tomorrow.

- This isn't breaking up, okay?
- Oh, Todd.

- Please, let me do this.
- Todd...

- Well, it's too good to pass up.
- Todd, two weeks ago,

I made the mistake of
sleeping with you. That mistake

doesn't make me
your girlfriend.

Oh, man, come on. You gotta go out the window.
My date's here. I don't want him to see you.

- There's a tree over there.
- Yeah, I know. You can grab it.

What about my cat?

Mother fuck!

I'll be right down!

Okay, Fanny, listen to me.
I gotta go, but I'll be back in about

a month. Whoa... jeez!
I put 30 cans of tuna in here.

Here is a month's supply of water.
I made you some steps, all right?

Now, you be a good girl and don't
eat it all at once, all right?

Love you... bye.

Coffee?

I don't mind doing that.
Really, let me take...

Hey, can I leave
this outside... is it safe?

Yeah, I think so.

- Alice, can I have some jam?
- Jesus, Mary, more jam?

More jam.

Can I get a cup of coffee to go?

Yeah. I'm just gonna get this lid off,
and then I'll get it for you.

It's really tight, actually, it's
tighter than lady bird's twat.

Oh, yeah, give it to me.
I'll... I'm a man,

- and I will open the jar.
- That's great... thanks.

Madam, your jam.

- God!
- Just... I'm just gonna open another.

Here we go... heat,
the enemy of tightness.

Oh, God, no, don't.
That's dangerous.

- Don't do that.
- Then two taps.

And now, I think we'll
have an open jar of jam.

- No, don't do that! You're gonna burn your...
- Oh, shit!

So, you just gotta remember to replace
the bandage and put some of this on it.

But not too much
or you'll start hallucinating.

- What is it?
- Oh, it's just

something I whipped up in the lab.
It's a cardamom infused mint arrowroot

antiseptic and anti-inflammatory,
but there's...

there's notes of south African
vanilla bean in there, so it's...

- it's good. Tastes good on scones.
- Wait, wait... I'm sorry. A lab?

- I don't understand.
- Yeah, well, I'm really

into molecular gastronomy. It's I suppose
you could say "It's my passion."

- It's my raison d'etre.
- Oh, I love raisins.

You know they're really
just dried up grapes? True story.

No, raison d'etre.
It's French.

- It's like my reason for living.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah... I like to experiment
with all kinds of cuisine.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Heston Blumenthal,

he's like a God to me.
He's so creative.

- He's the best.
- Seriously, if you haven't eaten in his restaurant,

- I don't even wanna talk to you.
- Oh, well, talk away, lady,

- 'cause I've eaten there plenty.
- Have you?

- God, it's so hard to get a table there.
- Well, you know, I just

grab a to-go.

So, what's your favorite
dish of his?

Favorite one?
Oh, I love his chicken.

His helium infused
chicken balloons?

- Yeah.
- Aren't they... I can't even

describe them.
They are... What else?

- Lasagna is really good.
- What-what does he do with lasagna?

Huge portions. Genius.

All right, Alice. Well, I should

head over to the office,
introduce myself to the team. All right...

- Yes.
- Yeah.

So, off I go.
Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you. And here is

a gentleman's kiss for a
true princess of the kitchen

- Oh, that's nice of you to say.
- and science.

- Thank you for those.
- Okay, well...

- Welcome to England.
- Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me.

- Hey, hey! What the hell?
- Sir-sir-sir-sir-sir,

- step back inside, please.
- Okay...

- Sir, would you mind stepping back inside?
- I know... yeah. But that's... Okay...

- step back inside.
- What's going on?

It's almost certainly nothing, but we
have found a suspect package,

- and we are gonna blow it up. Yeah.
- No-no. Blow it up?

Ready in five. Ready in five.
Really pisses me off.

Waste of police time.
Waste of police money.

I mean, for what? 'Cause one
guy doesn't use his common sense.

- Ready on four-four-four.
- No-no-no-no-no-no.

Look, sir. Officer-officer, it's

probably just some confused
but nice man's luggage,

you know, filled with nothin'
but, you know, clothes and asthma medicine

- and a laptop, you know?
- You might wanna put your fingers in your ears.

Just with all my information.

You see that?

That's why we're the best.
Best in the world.

I'm coming out.

Hello, everyone.
I'm Todd Margaret.

Sorry. I was looking for dynamic
integrated business solutions.

This is dynamic integrated
business solutions.

What happened
to everybody? Are you it?

I was sent down here
by the head office... A guy named Willis?

- Brent Wilts?
- Bang... that's it.

Okay. Yeah-yeah.
Hello. I'm the new boss.

Name's Todd Margaret.
What's your name?

Dave. What happened to your hand?

- Strawberry jam.
- Right.

- Okay, Dave.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Okay. Well,

I guess I'll get settled into

- my office.
- Sure. It's just that one down there.

- I'll let you get back to what you were doin'.
- Brilliant.

Okay.

Wha...

- Dave!
- Yes?

I'm gonna leave the door
open, if you need me.

Got it.

- Todd Margaret!
- Yes, what?

There's a delivery of
"Thunder Muscle" here for ya.

Good.

- So, what is "Thunder Muscle," anyway?
- Well, Dave, I'll tell ya.

"Thunder Muscle"

is an awesome new energy drink.

- You people go shithouse for 'em, huh?
- Oh, not really.

- What's in it?
- Well, "Thunder Muscle" contains,

well, I don't read Korean,
but it's, you know, energy and

probably guarana berries,

- things of that nature, you know.
- How are you planning to sell all this shit?

No, Dave. How are we planning
to sell all this shit?

I don't wanna tip my hand, but I'm
lookin' for a new director of strategy.

I've been back there. I've had my eye
on you, and I think you might be my man.

- Don't really think I'm qualified.
- But-but-but-but-da-ba... yeah.

I didn't get to be top salesman
by being a poor judge of character.

- Tell me a little bit about yourself.
- Okay.

Well, name is Dave.

Okay, good. Good... good start. You're
forthcoming with your name. What else you got?

- I'm a real go-getter.
- Boom! That's what I'm lookin' for!

I think I found
my new director of strategy.

- Cool.
- Now, we have a lot of "Thunder Muscle" to sell,

and I know where I would take
me to sell it,

but I'm curious. Where would
my new D.O.S. take me?

Oh, no-no-no-no.
I asked for coffee. I'm jet-lagged.

No. Barman said "No."
Hey, boss, I've got a question.

- How did you come to land this gig?
- You know, I'm sittin' at the office,

mindin' my own. Wilts come in.
He wants the top salesman, right?

Somebody to come over here.
Somebody who knows the U.K., you know?

And you know the U.K.?

- Yeah... you know, what's to know really?
- That's what you said to him?

No-no-no. I told him...
I told him I grew up in Leeds,

'cause I did grow up in Leeds,
if anybody asks.

Yes.

You grew up in Leeds?

I didn't grow up, per se.
No... I should clarify that. My...

My dad lives in Leeds. Lived in Leeds.
He's dead. My dad lived in Leeds,

and I would spend
my summers with him.

So, what would you get up to?

- Excuse me?
- What would you get up to in Leeds?

- With your dad?
- He, well, you know,

every Saturday, you know,
we'd grab some fish and chips,

head to the park,
watch "The Who," you know,

- stuff like that.
- Every Saturday, you'd watch "The Who?"

- Yeah.
- Right.

- The band "The Who."
- Yeah... no, I'm aware of them... yeah.

"Live at Leeds"... that's
why they named the album that.

- Yeah.
- Listen.

This "Thunder Muscle" is not
gonna sell itself, you know?

- Yeah.
- We're here to sell "Thunder Muscle."

Oh, why don't you try him?

A challenge, all right.

Hey there, sport.
How ya doin'?

You look like a man who could
use a little get up and go.

- Piss off.
- All right.

You know, I've spent some time in Leeds. I had
a girlfriend that used to go to uni up there.

Great. Yeah. I bet...

- I bet a lot's changed since I was there.
- No... probably not.

- Well, you never know.
- Well, I do know.

So, whereabouts
in Leeds did you live?

It was, you know,
that main street.

- No.
- The main street, big street,

- goes right through town.
- What was it called?

- Fifth Avenue.
- Fifth?

I don't believe
there is a fifth Avenue.

No-no-no. The street...

No. The street's not named
fifth Avenue, Dave.

No, I meant the fifth Avenue
counting outwards

- from the main street.
- Oh, yes. Okay. So that would be

- Ch-church Avenue.
- Church Avenue!

- Yes, that was it. Church Avenue.
- Church Avenue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Lovely around there.
- Yeah, it's nice.

- Beautiful church right on it.
- Yeah.

So, what number did you
live on in Church Avenue?

- Twenty-one-fifty.
- Two thousand, one hundred and fifty?

- Church Avenue.
- That's too long.

We don't really have long avenues over here.

Dave, I'm sorry.
I said 21 and 50. It just, like,

- ran it together 'cause I'm American.
- So, you had two houses?

- Yes.
- On the same street?

Yeah. My dad was bipolar, so...

Hey, you know what? I think it's time
to sell another can of "Thunder Muscle," huh?

- Yeah. Well, I mean, it'd be a can.
- Right.

Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello.
My name is Todd,

- and today is your lucky day.
- Now is not a good time.

Hey, it's always a good time for a "Thunder
Muscle." "Thunder Muscle" is a brand-new,

exciting energy drink that gives you energy,
vitality, and tastes great doin' it.

- And will it bring back my son?
- If anything

can lure your son back,
it's the great...

Okay. No. I... he's not...

away. He's gone gone.

He's...

dead? I know. I'm sorry.

I just found out myself.

Okay. I'll be over there.

So, Todd, obviously having
spent so much time in the U.K.,

I'm sure you can tell where
I'm from, from my accent.

- Yeah.
- So, where am I from?

Oh, you know, probably around...
Hey, there's a "Thunder Muscle" couple, huh?

If I ever see you again,
I'll rip your balls off!

- You all right, Todd?
- You shouldn't have let me go over there, Dave.

They clearly weren't
a "Thunder Muscle" couple.

It's your first verbal warning.

I don't understand. They're the
ones who started the name calling.

That's not what really
what was happening.

You know, as part brit, you should
know what we call our cigarettes here.

Oh, look, first voice message.

Hey, douche bag.
It's Brent Wilts.

Listen, shit bucket. I'm gonna
be in Lisbon for a boat show,

and I was thinkin' of poppin' over there
to see how my ace salesman is doin'.

I got 16,000 crates of that shit comin'
to you by freighter from north Korea.

And also, see if you can get me
some blow, while I'm there.

I wanna get stinky drunk and nuts deep
in some of that nasty, British pussy.

Actually, you know what? Fuck that. They
got a bunch of Russian whores there, right?

Yeah... let's do that instead. English
women always give me the shits.

He's... what?
Sixteen thousand crates?

- Sixteen thousand.
- Oh, wait a minute.

Come on... I just got here.
I mean, come on.

This is insane.
I can't... what is... I...

Come on. This isn't the
Todd Margaret I know.

Now, let's think about this.

Here, get some "Thunder Muscle"
down you. You're a bit pissed.

Now, calm down.
Up through the lips. There we go.

There it is. Feel better?

Now, where would a top dog, ace salesman
like yourself take me to sell this stuff?

- Hey, Alice.
- What happened to you?

Oh, it's nothin'.
You should see the other guy.

It was a lady. She's fine.

Yeah, this is Dave.
He works for me.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Alice, I'm wondering. Can I make a short,
general announcement about the drinks?

Well, normally, I'd say, "no,"
but based on what happened earlier,

yeah. Go on... what the hell?
I can do with a laugh.

Nice. Come on, Todd.
Show me how it's done.

All right.

Rule number one:
Make everyone feel at home.

Hello-hello-hello, everyone.
If I could have a wee

minute of a brief spot
tinkling of your time, please,

I'd like to introduce you to
a brand-new energy drink called

"Thunder Muscle."

It's delicious, good for you, a
great new way to get up and go.

I'll leave these here
for your perusal.

- Thank you, very much.
- Wait, have another.

- Can't have just one.
- Absolutely... why not?

- Oh, no, don't give him another one.
- Who can stop at one?

- Oh, that's good!
- You love it, don't ya?

- Abso... yeah.
- Show 'em how much you love it.

Oh, I love it so much.
You're gonna love it, too.

It's like mother's milk, isn't it?
Just mmm-uah.

Absolutely, Dave.
Thank you, very much.

Like the sweet milk
of mother Mary herself.

And I'm sure that when sweet baby Jesus
was there, sucking on her teet...

not... nursing is what I mean,
but, I mean, let's be honest.

Nursing is sucking.
I mean, come on.

It's not a bad word. It's not dirty.
It's not dirty to suck a tit, you know?

Right... here they are!
Take a look at your leisure.

It'll be your pleasure
and my measure.

- Come on, show 'em the energy.
- No, don't show us the energy.

You can't go now. You've gotta
show 'em the energy, Todd.

Go on... show it to 'em.
Get your "Thunder Muscle" out.

Absolutely!
I am filled with energy.

- That's the great thing about "Thunder Muscle!"
- No, don't run... don't!

- I'm runnin', I'm runnin'! I'm runnin' around!
- Careful... Todd, don't.

- Look at this!
- Please, don't run because...

- Yes... come on, Todd.
- I'll sing it, I'll dance it.

- I'm comin' to town. I've got energy!
- That's it...

He's got energy.
Look at him go!

I have the strength
of 20 ponies.

- Twenty!
- I have the strength of Zeus,

after he made love
to a bionic hippopotamus.

- Yeah, nailed it.
- Can you see what I'm saying?

I'm like "Rocky"
and "Rocky three" combined.

I'm like if "Rocky two"
fucked "Rocky four," boom,

"Rocky five." Do you see what I'm sayin'?
Give me another one of these things.

- Yes! Get it down you, Todd.
- Don't drink another one.

Chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug... yes!

- Oh, my God!
- Stop encouraging him, please.

Here's another thing
about "Thunder Muscle."

- It'll make you hard. I mean, brrrr.
- Don't be scared...

- Okay... no, don't.
- Seriously, I mean, feel this.

- She doesn't wanna feel it.
- Feel it, feel it! Don't be scared.

When was the last time you had any?
That's what I'm saying.

- I will fuck the old out of you, right now.
- No, no.

All night long, I will.

- That's the beauty of "Thunder Muscle!"
- Not acceptable!

It's just one of the many things!
Here,"Thunder Muscle"

No, where are you going?
I am talking to you.

- Go on, tell 'em about "Thunder Muscle."
- Why... because Barack Obama is president?

You racist! You racist!
I'm talking to you!

I'm trying to make a presentation!
Look, just... My point is, please,

just get a "Thunder Muscle."
Just buy one. It's one pound.

That's all it is, one pound.
Just somebody fucking buy one, please.

- I better get me another one of these things.
- You don't need another "Thunder Muscle."

- No... I want one!
- You really don't need one.

Jesus.

- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, it's funny.

I wanna go home.

I'd like to buy a can
of "Thunder Muscle," please.

You're a nice lady.

- How much do I owe you?
- The lady paid for it, mate.

She did? That was nice.

This sucks.