The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Reynholm vs Reynholm - full transcript
Douglas's wife Victoria - whom he thought was dead as she disappeared after two weeks of marriage - reappears, demanding a divorce and a hefty settlement which will ruin the company. Rather than engage a lawyer Douglas hires Jen to defend him in the divorce court as she is a 'relationship manager'. She calls Roy, Moss and Richmond as witnesses, all of whom are useless and when Victoria shows a Star Trek themed sex tape to show how her husband wastes his money all seems lost. Douglas fakes a heart attack but Jen gives an impassioned speech to say that the workers will be thrown onto the streets if Douglas is forced to make a huge pay-out, persuading Victoria to curb her demands and saving the day.
And every other day, I
take a short helicopter ride
to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.
Last night,
I ate a chocolate radio that
still worked in my stomach,
and a flat chicken that was
actually a glass of water.
Even the menu was edible.
They said it wasn't, but I ate it.
Sounds like you're
living the life of Riley.
Well, I actually knew Riley,
and yes, there are similarities.
And yet, there is some sadness in
your life. Tell me about Victoria.
You'll have to forgive me,
there's been quite a few Victorias.
Your wife?
My God, my wife, oh yes, Victoria!
What a fantastic woman. The two weeks
we were married were unforgettable.
She disappeared in mysterious
circumstances, did she not?
She vanished while washing the car.
Despite a search that lasted
nearly five hours, we found nothing.
So naturally, we assumed
the worst. You must miss her.
More than words could say.
I'd give anything to see her
walk through that door right now.
Hey, why don't you
take your clothes off?
What?
Come on, we both knew it was on the cards
as soon as I realised you were a woman!
What if someone were to walk in?
I left strict instructions not to
be disturbed in case we had sex.
There's no way anyone is
walking through that door...
Hello, Douglas.
Victoria!
But I thought you were dead!
I must say, Douglas, you still
don't seem very pleased to see me.
No, no, I must have eaten
some bad stereo system.
How's the wine?
How's the wine? Exquisite.
From the chef's own cellar.
What are you doing, Victoria?
Last time I saw you, you were...
Washing the car? Yes, I
imagine you have many questions.
I was under a lot of stress that
day, Douglas. I think we both were.
We both knew it wasn't working.
I picked up my sponge and bucket
with a heavy heart that day.
The rest is a blank.The next thing
I can remember with any clarity
is being on a kayaking
holiday two years later.
Our invisible desserts have arrived!
I know we weren't happy that second
week of our marriage, Douglas,
but give us another chance, as a couple.
I don't know.
I don't think we can just
pick up from where we left off.
No, Victoria, I'm sorry, it's over.
Oh God!
I forgot you could do that.
Maybe we should give it another go!
Nnngh...
Well that is new!
How are you doing that?
That might be the dog.
Heston!
I'd like to introduce you to my...
Wi-i-i-ife.
I want to divorce my wife.
Why are you telling me?
Aren't you with legal?
No.
Remind me?
IT. Relationship manager.
Ah. Well then I probably shouldn't
have told you any of that.
Anyway...
I want to divorce her right now.
Now's too late. Before now.
In fact, I want to have already
divorced her, is that possible?
Well, as I said, I'm not a lawyer, so...
Yes, but you're a relationship
manager, and this is a relationship!
Well, erm...
have you told her yet?
Kind of. I changed my
Friendface profile from "married"
to "it's complicated".
That's not the same as
telling her, Mr. Reynholm.
Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you?
Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you? No!
Oh come on! Please break up with
my vanishing, car cleaning
wife! I don't want to do it!
I don't want to do it!
I'll give you...I don't know...
10,000.
Who are you again?
I'm Jen Barber.
I'm with the IT department
at Reynholm Industries.
Sorry, I thought I
was meeting my husband.
Mr. Reynholm asked me to
convey a... a message to you.
Mrs. Reynholm.
How long have you and Mr.
Reynholm known each other?
About ten years.
Ten years, ten wonderful years.
Who are you?
Mrs. Reynholm... Can
I call you Victoria?
No.
Mrs. Reynholm.
Sometimes there is a day
and then there is a night.
Sometimes there is a morn,
and then there is an eve.
Flowers grow, trees are cut down,
babies are born, but...
Lawyers exist.
What are you trying to say?
Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.
Let me guess. My
husband wants to leave me
and he paid you a large amount of money to
spare him the embarrassment of facing me.
Yes, but I'm not going to
take the money... I feel sick.
Of course you do,
you're a normal person.
You're not upset?
No, because I'm not a normal person.
You see, what you're trying
to do here but can't...
If the tables were turned, I
wouldn't find it difficult at all.
In fact, it's how I met his first wife.
I didn't know these were edible too.
They're not.
What's all that?
What's all that? I have to
spend the afternoon with Douglas.
Somehow I've been drafted
into his legal eagle fantasy.
Have you ever spent any
serious time with that man?
He's unbelievable! You should
hear the way he talks about women.
Oh yeah, he's some piece of
work. He's like a sexy Hitler.
I mean, I don't expect
to put on a pedal stool,
but please, show a little respect!
I'm sorry, you don't
expect to be put on a what?
On a pedal stool.
A pedal stool?
What's a pedal stool?
Oh, you know, you put women on it
when you admire them,
you know, the phrase.
Oh yeah, the famous phrase,
"to be put on a pedal stool".
"Pedestal"!
What?
"Pedestal" is the word!
What's a "pedal stool"?!
Did you really think there was
such a thing as a pedal stool?
Shut up, everyone has blind spots.
Can you help me sort through all
this legal crap, please, Moss?
I'd rather not. I've not had good
experiences with the legal system.
How come?
How come? Well, when I was 11, I broke
the patio window, and my mother sued me.
She sued you?
Yeah, to teach me a lesson.
She's always been a very
aggressive litigator.
Can you even do that,
can you sue your children?
It was kind of a show
trial in the kitchen.
She made a little gallery for the cat.
She made a little gallery for
the cat. Aw... What happened?
She won.
I'm still paying costs.
"Pedal stool"!
212 million quid!
You can't be serious!
Oh, we're quite serious, Mr. Reynholm.
But that's enough to bring
Reynholm Industries to its knees!
Bloody blast, this is up my arse!
That is the amount, it
is not up for negotiation.
Balls from hell, you shit-twins!
Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
Bollocks to be telling me
to calm down, my old chap.
She wants 220 titty million quid
and you tell me to calm down!
You're fired.
I'm not your lawyer.
Piss off! I'm going to represent myself.
I'm not your lawyer.
You sit there, all confident.
Yeah? But when this goes to Court,
that's when the talking stops.
Mr. Reynholm,
there might actually be
more talking in Court,
this would actually be a comparatively small
amount of talking, what we're doing here.
Oh, I see.
Sorry.
Sorry. No, that's all right,
it's what I pay you for.
Look at her. Cold as ice.
But I tell you this, behind
those shades, she's terrified.
One thing you should
know about me, Jen...
When I put my mind to
something, it gets done.
Representing myself is the
kind of challenge I relish.
Well, you'll have to
do a lot of preparation.
Bring it on!
What's this?
It's my suit. I made it
myself. Took me a few days!
How did you find time
to prepare for the trial?
How did I what?
Mrs. Reynholm, you saythat in
the short time you were married,
you became indispensable
to Mr. Reynholm...
in what way were you indispensable?
I had to brush his teeth.
Really?
Yes.
That's not an expression?
No.
You got the brush,
you applied toothpaste to it,
you moved it into his mouth...
and moved your hand up and down.
Well, if I didn't do
it, he wouldn't do it.
Well, if I didn't do it, he wouldn't
do it. Make a note... "brush teeth".
Now, you're asking for
quite a large amount.
I think it is an appropriate amount.
Bollocks.
Mr. Reynholm.
Yes, your honour?
I would ask you to refrain from using
that kind of language in my courtroom.
And which word in particular
do you object to, your honour?
You only said one.
Could you read it back?
"Bollocks".
Don't read it back!
Why do you say it is
an appropriate amount?
Mr. Reynholm caused me great distress.
I'm entitledto some restitution.
Besides, it's not as if he ever put the
money to good use. As the film proves.
Your honour, may I present the
central exhibit to our case...
It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.
A sex tape?
Which one?
The alien craft appears to
have dropped its shields.
Thank you, Female Chekhov! Female
Sulu, beam their Captain aboard.
But... Captain...are you sure?
But she's hurt, she may need our help.
Jim, even if she's injured as
you say, I can't do an examination
on a new species
without proper research.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy doctor,
not a sexy scientist!
Female Sulu. You have your orders.
Perhaps the good doctor thinks
certain alien species do not
fall under the Hippocratic oath.
I have never refused treatment to a
patient, Female Spock, and you know that!
I think we've seen enough.
Your Honour, I object!
There's a brilliant bit coming up.
Mr. Reynholm, are you ready to start
your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
I am, your Honour, but rest assured,
it will be a normal examination.
I am not in any way cross.
You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
Mr. Reynholm, we have
already established that.
Might I suggest that you try less
to do an impression of a lawyer
you once saw on the television and make
your case as simply as you possibly can.
Wise words, my learned lud.
Victoria, you've spoken
about the real me,
and I think it's time we heard
a little about the real you.
Isn't it true, that you...
Used to be a man?
No.
It isn't true, you say?
It is untrue.
Who am I thinking of?
I think you mean April, the
woman you had a fight with.
No further questions, my lud.
What? Your entire case rested on that?
Yes, your Honour.
Yes, your Honour. No, wait, Mr
Reynholm, you can't leave it at that.
Your Honour, may I confer with my
relationship manager? What's up, Jen?
You've got to request more time
to prepare a proper defence.
Your Grace, may I approach the bench?
Have you brushed your teeth?
No.
No. Then you may not.
Your Grace,
I need to prepare a proper defence.
The one I just did there was rubbish.
Yes, he's some piece of work.
We're all very happy
at Reynholm Industries.
Are you telling the truth?
Yes.
Then why are you
so ill-at-ease?
Well...
If you must know... I was in
a court myself very recently...
This very courtroom in fact,
where I gave testimony
against a former soldier who...
I was having a massage and he
kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.
I see.
I'm sure you can
understand my discomfort.
Are you all right? Can you continue?
I can continue. Thank you.
The way you tell it, your employer
sounds like a paragon of virtue.
That's right. And
furthermore, I would like
to say at this point that I think
this whole case to be a damp squid.
Thank you, no further questions.
Oooh! I have one more
question, your Honour.
Yes?
What did you say?
What?
What did you say the case was?
May I have it read back please?
"I believe this entire case
to be a bit of a damp squid."
"A damp squid?"
What does that mean?
Oh, Jen, it's an expression.
It means that I believe
that everything that's been said
in this case, everyone already knew.
Yes, but did you say "damp squid"?
That's right.
Did you not mean, "damp squib"?
No, it's "squid".
What's a squib?
It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp!
Hence the phrase!
Your Honour! Please!
It is "squib".
I must say, I find it extraordinary
that you, a man in your early 30s,
could have reached this point in your
life without knowing that it is "squib".
I think it's "squid".
I have no further questions.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
That will be all.
Everyone has a blind spot!
I said that will be all!
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Sorry, bit nervous... So... Yeah...
Fizzy! It's very fizzy.
It's fizzy. Gone fizzy.
Ow, come on!
That's electric. That's
electric in there.
Just got a shock.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
It is not.
Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.
My mother sued me.
Relax. Take your time.
Try to answer the questions
as clearly as you can.
Thank you, my love.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Chair. It was the chair's fault.
No further questions, my lud.
Don't you have anything?
She's going to take you to
the cleaners, Mr. Reynholm.
Yup, I suppose she will.
What's that?
Oh, God.
I think I may have found our miracle.
Can you state your full name, please?
Richmond Felicity Avenal.
And you worked at Reynholm
Industries for a time?
I did, for over four years.
And what did you do?
I don't know.
Why did you leave?
Well, my life wasn't really going
anywhere. I was part of the whole
goth/ death metal subculture
but it wasn't making me happy.
It was all a bit gloomy.
It was round about that
point that I developed scurvy.
Now that sounds unpleasant.
On the contrary. Catching scurvy was
the best thing that ever happened to me.
It made me take a long
hard look in the mirror.
And I didn't like what I
saw, I can tell you that.
Not just because my
teeth had fallen out.
Which is why I founded From Goth2Boss.
Is it okay if I play a DVD?
Does it have anything
whatsoever to do with this case?
Not really, Your Honour.
Then you may proceed.
Where are you going? Is it to the top?
If not, why not?
Go to the bloody top! Is
it because you're a goth?
Did you know that goths have some of
the lowest life satisfaction levels
of any subculture with the
exception of traffic wardens?
That's why you don't see
any goth traffic wardens.
That would be a deadly combination!
We at Goth2Boss work with goths
at various locations around the UK
to bring out their hidden potential...
by encouraging them to engage
in everyday, healthy pursuits
such as sports.
Mixing with other humans.
Extended laughter sessions.
Introducing colour to your wardrobe.
Just look at these results.
This is Debbie. She used to
hang around railway stations
with her hands in her sleeves.
Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai!
From Goth2Boss, you know it makes
sense. Unless you're not a goth,
in which case, from
Goth2Boss. Remember the name.
But what does that have to do with
my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow?
Well, Mr. Reynholm, I'm here
to tell you that that woman
is not Victoria Reynholm!
Her name is Melanie Crawford,
a former From Goth2Boss pupil of mine!
Sing, you canary!
Well, during our sessions, she seemed
more interested in you than getting better.
I don't think she ever truly
exorcised the goth within.
Scratch away that fake tan
and beneath you'll find
the purest white foundation!
Yeah, that was more of
a phrase than anything.
Oh, actually... No
sorry, that's not her!
Oh, sorry about that. That's not her.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
You've heard a few things over the
past few days, none of which cast me
in a particularly favourable light.
Stories of expensive sex tapes,
rumours of me killing my first wife.
No. No-one's mentioned that.
You know, there's one
thing I do want to say.
Just one thing, that I...
Mr. Reynholm?
Mr. Reynholm, please.
Mr. Reynholm, this really is the most
pathetic display I have ever seen.
May I say something, your Honour?
Why not?
Lying here,
pretending to have a heart
attack, you see a desperate man.
Not pretending.
Not pretending. A man who has exhausted
all of his time, all of his resources,
on an expensive trial that
has resulted in humiliation.
But think not of him. Think of the
employees of Reynholm Industries.
Think of the man who
was sued by his mother.
The simpleton who thought the
phrase "damp squid" was correct.
These are the people I want you to
consider when making your judgement.
For Reynholm is not just the
name of this ridiculous man
who keeps opening his eyes
whenever he thinks no-one's looking.
Reynholm is the name of the family
his employees have found in each other.
We are all Reynholms.
Hurt him, and you hurt...
Oh, all right then,
we'll take 70 million.
Hooray!
I'm getting oak.
take a short helicopter ride
to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.
Last night,
I ate a chocolate radio that
still worked in my stomach,
and a flat chicken that was
actually a glass of water.
Even the menu was edible.
They said it wasn't, but I ate it.
Sounds like you're
living the life of Riley.
Well, I actually knew Riley,
and yes, there are similarities.
And yet, there is some sadness in
your life. Tell me about Victoria.
You'll have to forgive me,
there's been quite a few Victorias.
Your wife?
My God, my wife, oh yes, Victoria!
What a fantastic woman. The two weeks
we were married were unforgettable.
She disappeared in mysterious
circumstances, did she not?
She vanished while washing the car.
Despite a search that lasted
nearly five hours, we found nothing.
So naturally, we assumed
the worst. You must miss her.
More than words could say.
I'd give anything to see her
walk through that door right now.
Hey, why don't you
take your clothes off?
What?
Come on, we both knew it was on the cards
as soon as I realised you were a woman!
What if someone were to walk in?
I left strict instructions not to
be disturbed in case we had sex.
There's no way anyone is
walking through that door...
Hello, Douglas.
Victoria!
But I thought you were dead!
I must say, Douglas, you still
don't seem very pleased to see me.
No, no, I must have eaten
some bad stereo system.
How's the wine?
How's the wine? Exquisite.
From the chef's own cellar.
What are you doing, Victoria?
Last time I saw you, you were...
Washing the car? Yes, I
imagine you have many questions.
I was under a lot of stress that
day, Douglas. I think we both were.
We both knew it wasn't working.
I picked up my sponge and bucket
with a heavy heart that day.
The rest is a blank.The next thing
I can remember with any clarity
is being on a kayaking
holiday two years later.
Our invisible desserts have arrived!
I know we weren't happy that second
week of our marriage, Douglas,
but give us another chance, as a couple.
I don't know.
I don't think we can just
pick up from where we left off.
No, Victoria, I'm sorry, it's over.
Oh God!
I forgot you could do that.
Maybe we should give it another go!
Nnngh...
Well that is new!
How are you doing that?
That might be the dog.
Heston!
I'd like to introduce you to my...
Wi-i-i-ife.
I want to divorce my wife.
Why are you telling me?
Aren't you with legal?
No.
Remind me?
IT. Relationship manager.
Ah. Well then I probably shouldn't
have told you any of that.
Anyway...
I want to divorce her right now.
Now's too late. Before now.
In fact, I want to have already
divorced her, is that possible?
Well, as I said, I'm not a lawyer, so...
Yes, but you're a relationship
manager, and this is a relationship!
Well, erm...
have you told her yet?
Kind of. I changed my
Friendface profile from "married"
to "it's complicated".
That's not the same as
telling her, Mr. Reynholm.
Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you?
Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you? No!
Oh come on! Please break up with
my vanishing, car cleaning
wife! I don't want to do it!
I don't want to do it!
I'll give you...I don't know...
10,000.
Who are you again?
I'm Jen Barber.
I'm with the IT department
at Reynholm Industries.
Sorry, I thought I
was meeting my husband.
Mr. Reynholm asked me to
convey a... a message to you.
Mrs. Reynholm.
How long have you and Mr.
Reynholm known each other?
About ten years.
Ten years, ten wonderful years.
Who are you?
Mrs. Reynholm... Can
I call you Victoria?
No.
Mrs. Reynholm.
Sometimes there is a day
and then there is a night.
Sometimes there is a morn,
and then there is an eve.
Flowers grow, trees are cut down,
babies are born, but...
Lawyers exist.
What are you trying to say?
Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.
Let me guess. My
husband wants to leave me
and he paid you a large amount of money to
spare him the embarrassment of facing me.
Yes, but I'm not going to
take the money... I feel sick.
Of course you do,
you're a normal person.
You're not upset?
No, because I'm not a normal person.
You see, what you're trying
to do here but can't...
If the tables were turned, I
wouldn't find it difficult at all.
In fact, it's how I met his first wife.
I didn't know these were edible too.
They're not.
What's all that?
What's all that? I have to
spend the afternoon with Douglas.
Somehow I've been drafted
into his legal eagle fantasy.
Have you ever spent any
serious time with that man?
He's unbelievable! You should
hear the way he talks about women.
Oh yeah, he's some piece of
work. He's like a sexy Hitler.
I mean, I don't expect
to put on a pedal stool,
but please, show a little respect!
I'm sorry, you don't
expect to be put on a what?
On a pedal stool.
A pedal stool?
What's a pedal stool?
Oh, you know, you put women on it
when you admire them,
you know, the phrase.
Oh yeah, the famous phrase,
"to be put on a pedal stool".
"Pedestal"!
What?
"Pedestal" is the word!
What's a "pedal stool"?!
Did you really think there was
such a thing as a pedal stool?
Shut up, everyone has blind spots.
Can you help me sort through all
this legal crap, please, Moss?
I'd rather not. I've not had good
experiences with the legal system.
How come?
How come? Well, when I was 11, I broke
the patio window, and my mother sued me.
She sued you?
Yeah, to teach me a lesson.
She's always been a very
aggressive litigator.
Can you even do that,
can you sue your children?
It was kind of a show
trial in the kitchen.
She made a little gallery for the cat.
She made a little gallery for
the cat. Aw... What happened?
She won.
I'm still paying costs.
"Pedal stool"!
212 million quid!
You can't be serious!
Oh, we're quite serious, Mr. Reynholm.
But that's enough to bring
Reynholm Industries to its knees!
Bloody blast, this is up my arse!
That is the amount, it
is not up for negotiation.
Balls from hell, you shit-twins!
Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
Bollocks to be telling me
to calm down, my old chap.
She wants 220 titty million quid
and you tell me to calm down!
You're fired.
I'm not your lawyer.
Piss off! I'm going to represent myself.
I'm not your lawyer.
You sit there, all confident.
Yeah? But when this goes to Court,
that's when the talking stops.
Mr. Reynholm,
there might actually be
more talking in Court,
this would actually be a comparatively small
amount of talking, what we're doing here.
Oh, I see.
Sorry.
Sorry. No, that's all right,
it's what I pay you for.
Look at her. Cold as ice.
But I tell you this, behind
those shades, she's terrified.
One thing you should
know about me, Jen...
When I put my mind to
something, it gets done.
Representing myself is the
kind of challenge I relish.
Well, you'll have to
do a lot of preparation.
Bring it on!
What's this?
It's my suit. I made it
myself. Took me a few days!
How did you find time
to prepare for the trial?
How did I what?
Mrs. Reynholm, you saythat in
the short time you were married,
you became indispensable
to Mr. Reynholm...
in what way were you indispensable?
I had to brush his teeth.
Really?
Yes.
That's not an expression?
No.
You got the brush,
you applied toothpaste to it,
you moved it into his mouth...
and moved your hand up and down.
Well, if I didn't do
it, he wouldn't do it.
Well, if I didn't do it, he wouldn't
do it. Make a note... "brush teeth".
Now, you're asking for
quite a large amount.
I think it is an appropriate amount.
Bollocks.
Mr. Reynholm.
Yes, your honour?
I would ask you to refrain from using
that kind of language in my courtroom.
And which word in particular
do you object to, your honour?
You only said one.
Could you read it back?
"Bollocks".
Don't read it back!
Why do you say it is
an appropriate amount?
Mr. Reynholm caused me great distress.
I'm entitledto some restitution.
Besides, it's not as if he ever put the
money to good use. As the film proves.
Your honour, may I present the
central exhibit to our case...
It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.
A sex tape?
Which one?
The alien craft appears to
have dropped its shields.
Thank you, Female Chekhov! Female
Sulu, beam their Captain aboard.
But... Captain...are you sure?
But she's hurt, she may need our help.
Jim, even if she's injured as
you say, I can't do an examination
on a new species
without proper research.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy doctor,
not a sexy scientist!
Female Sulu. You have your orders.
Perhaps the good doctor thinks
certain alien species do not
fall under the Hippocratic oath.
I have never refused treatment to a
patient, Female Spock, and you know that!
I think we've seen enough.
Your Honour, I object!
There's a brilliant bit coming up.
Mr. Reynholm, are you ready to start
your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
I am, your Honour, but rest assured,
it will be a normal examination.
I am not in any way cross.
You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
Mr. Reynholm, we have
already established that.
Might I suggest that you try less
to do an impression of a lawyer
you once saw on the television and make
your case as simply as you possibly can.
Wise words, my learned lud.
Victoria, you've spoken
about the real me,
and I think it's time we heard
a little about the real you.
Isn't it true, that you...
Used to be a man?
No.
It isn't true, you say?
It is untrue.
Who am I thinking of?
I think you mean April, the
woman you had a fight with.
No further questions, my lud.
What? Your entire case rested on that?
Yes, your Honour.
Yes, your Honour. No, wait, Mr
Reynholm, you can't leave it at that.
Your Honour, may I confer with my
relationship manager? What's up, Jen?
You've got to request more time
to prepare a proper defence.
Your Grace, may I approach the bench?
Have you brushed your teeth?
No.
No. Then you may not.
Your Grace,
I need to prepare a proper defence.
The one I just did there was rubbish.
Yes, he's some piece of work.
We're all very happy
at Reynholm Industries.
Are you telling the truth?
Yes.
Then why are you
so ill-at-ease?
Well...
If you must know... I was in
a court myself very recently...
This very courtroom in fact,
where I gave testimony
against a former soldier who...
I was having a massage and he
kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.
I see.
I'm sure you can
understand my discomfort.
Are you all right? Can you continue?
I can continue. Thank you.
The way you tell it, your employer
sounds like a paragon of virtue.
That's right. And
furthermore, I would like
to say at this point that I think
this whole case to be a damp squid.
Thank you, no further questions.
Oooh! I have one more
question, your Honour.
Yes?
What did you say?
What?
What did you say the case was?
May I have it read back please?
"I believe this entire case
to be a bit of a damp squid."
"A damp squid?"
What does that mean?
Oh, Jen, it's an expression.
It means that I believe
that everything that's been said
in this case, everyone already knew.
Yes, but did you say "damp squid"?
That's right.
Did you not mean, "damp squib"?
No, it's "squid".
What's a squib?
It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp!
Hence the phrase!
Your Honour! Please!
It is "squib".
I must say, I find it extraordinary
that you, a man in your early 30s,
could have reached this point in your
life without knowing that it is "squib".
I think it's "squid".
I have no further questions.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
That will be all.
Everyone has a blind spot!
I said that will be all!
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Sorry, bit nervous... So... Yeah...
Fizzy! It's very fizzy.
It's fizzy. Gone fizzy.
Ow, come on!
That's electric. That's
electric in there.
Just got a shock.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
It is not.
Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.
My mother sued me.
Relax. Take your time.
Try to answer the questions
as clearly as you can.
Thank you, my love.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Chair. It was the chair's fault.
No further questions, my lud.
Don't you have anything?
She's going to take you to
the cleaners, Mr. Reynholm.
Yup, I suppose she will.
What's that?
Oh, God.
I think I may have found our miracle.
Can you state your full name, please?
Richmond Felicity Avenal.
And you worked at Reynholm
Industries for a time?
I did, for over four years.
And what did you do?
I don't know.
Why did you leave?
Well, my life wasn't really going
anywhere. I was part of the whole
goth/ death metal subculture
but it wasn't making me happy.
It was all a bit gloomy.
It was round about that
point that I developed scurvy.
Now that sounds unpleasant.
On the contrary. Catching scurvy was
the best thing that ever happened to me.
It made me take a long
hard look in the mirror.
And I didn't like what I
saw, I can tell you that.
Not just because my
teeth had fallen out.
Which is why I founded From Goth2Boss.
Is it okay if I play a DVD?
Does it have anything
whatsoever to do with this case?
Not really, Your Honour.
Then you may proceed.
Where are you going? Is it to the top?
If not, why not?
Go to the bloody top! Is
it because you're a goth?
Did you know that goths have some of
the lowest life satisfaction levels
of any subculture with the
exception of traffic wardens?
That's why you don't see
any goth traffic wardens.
That would be a deadly combination!
We at Goth2Boss work with goths
at various locations around the UK
to bring out their hidden potential...
by encouraging them to engage
in everyday, healthy pursuits
such as sports.
Mixing with other humans.
Extended laughter sessions.
Introducing colour to your wardrobe.
Just look at these results.
This is Debbie. She used to
hang around railway stations
with her hands in her sleeves.
Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai!
From Goth2Boss, you know it makes
sense. Unless you're not a goth,
in which case, from
Goth2Boss. Remember the name.
But what does that have to do with
my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow?
Well, Mr. Reynholm, I'm here
to tell you that that woman
is not Victoria Reynholm!
Her name is Melanie Crawford,
a former From Goth2Boss pupil of mine!
Sing, you canary!
Well, during our sessions, she seemed
more interested in you than getting better.
I don't think she ever truly
exorcised the goth within.
Scratch away that fake tan
and beneath you'll find
the purest white foundation!
Yeah, that was more of
a phrase than anything.
Oh, actually... No
sorry, that's not her!
Oh, sorry about that. That's not her.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
You've heard a few things over the
past few days, none of which cast me
in a particularly favourable light.
Stories of expensive sex tapes,
rumours of me killing my first wife.
No. No-one's mentioned that.
You know, there's one
thing I do want to say.
Just one thing, that I...
Mr. Reynholm?
Mr. Reynholm, please.
Mr. Reynholm, this really is the most
pathetic display I have ever seen.
May I say something, your Honour?
Why not?
Lying here,
pretending to have a heart
attack, you see a desperate man.
Not pretending.
Not pretending. A man who has exhausted
all of his time, all of his resources,
on an expensive trial that
has resulted in humiliation.
But think not of him. Think of the
employees of Reynholm Industries.
Think of the man who
was sued by his mother.
The simpleton who thought the
phrase "damp squid" was correct.
These are the people I want you to
consider when making your judgement.
For Reynholm is not just the
name of this ridiculous man
who keeps opening his eyes
whenever he thinks no-one's looking.
Reynholm is the name of the family
his employees have found in each other.
We are all Reynholms.
Hurt him, and you hurt...
Oh, all right then,
we'll take 70 million.
Hooray!
I'm getting oak.