The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 3 - Something Happened - full transcript
Roy hurts his back and sees a masseuse, actually a man, Paul, who kisses him on the arse and whom he takes to court to have him restrained whilst Douglas falls under the spell of a new religion - Spaceology, which makes him wish on the stars. His first wish is for a helicopter - so he buys one for himself; the next one is for a tattoo so he buys a book on the subject and tattoos a helicopter on his hand. The last wish is for a metal hand, which is accomplished when the tattoo turns septic, requiring amputation and a false hand, which he tests by smashing up the office. Jen meanwhile falls for Norman, the dull keyboard player in the band Sweet Billy Pilgrim but ditches him when he gets thrown out of the group.
Space.
What is it?
The simple answer is, we don't know.
Or at least, we didn't know until now.
Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm.
And I'm not a scientist, but I
do have a better understanding
of what space is than any
scientist living today.
Where did I gain these
insights? From this man.
The founder of Spaceology,
Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relation
to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy,
is the founder of Spaceology.
A religion, not a cult.
In other words, when it comes to space,
he's the man with his
head screwed on tight.
This is what he told me when I
met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Space is invisible mind dust
and stars are but wishes.
I mean, think about that!
That means every star you
can see in the night sky
is a wish that has come true.
And they've come true
because of something he
calls Spacestar Ordering.
Spacestar Ordering is based on
the twin scientific principles
of star maths and wishy thinking.
If you'd like to know more, there
are thousands of Spaceology centres
all over the UK.
If that doesn't convince you,
well, then, maybe you just don't
deserve to get what you want.
Wow. You're a genius, Ray!
Love the special effects!
How did you do that thing
where I'm spinning around?
Well, in that bit, you're
actually spinning around.
I'm glad you like the website, Mr... Reynholm,
I did spend quite a lot of time on it.
It's brilliant, and well
worth every penny of the 50.
100...Didn't we say 100?
I never would have agreed to that.
Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a
helicopter this time last week
and now, thanks to
Spacestar Ordering, has one?
You?
I'll give you a clue
- It ain't these chaps!
You?
You're a sceptic, Jen. You
should be more like these.
They can't get enough of
my Spacestar Ordering story.
Yes, yes, I noticed you've been
coming down here a lot more often
because of all the questions.
So, Mr. Reynholm, how did the
cosmos grant you a helicopter?
Well, I visualised the thing I wanted.
In my case, it was a helicopter.
I drew a picture of the helicopter
on a piece of paper, then I
stood with my back to space,
threw the paper over my
shoulder and wished really hard.
When you say that you stood
with your back to space...Yes.
How exactly did you achieve that?
I waited till night time.
Of course.
Couple of days later,
bought myself a helicopter.
Explain that one, if you can!
I wish the cosmos would make it
slightly harder to find our office.
Don't worry, Jen, you'll get your wish,
just as I one day,
I'll get my robot hand.
Scientific mind, believes
in Spacestar Ordering.
Who's getting the robot hand first?
Hey, you're still up for tonight, right?
I'll go if Moss goes.
Sorry, Jen. I find music
confusing and annoying.
Roy invited me to a gig once.
I didn't really enjoy it.
You went to the wrong address.
You went to a swimming pool.
Are you sure it's not swimming pools
that you find confusing and annoying?
You're right.
It's not music I hate, it's swimming!
You know what? I will come, Roy.
Where's Moss? I can't believe
he's missing out on this.
Where are they?
I'm going to have to
go dance at the front.
Aren't you a bit old for the front?
I'm 31!
Good for you, mate!
Careful! My foot!
You chill out, man!
Jesus!
Get out of town! You hooked
up with someone from the band?
Wow, who was it?
Norman.
Norman? Oh, he's the drummer, right?
The keyboard player.
The keyboard player?
Okay.
Okay. What?
No, it's just...
The keyboard player? Really?!
Yeah. What?
It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't
he? I didn't think he was your type.
Jen's going out with a geek!
Are you sure it's not just
because he's in a band?
Yes. I really am that shallow, Roy!
I know you are.
Yeah, I'm that shallow.
You are, though. I mean,
you really, really are.
Look, I like him.
He doesn't say a lot, he's more of
a thinker. I think he's really cool.
It's because he's in a
band! Oh, flippin' hell.
Is this your back again?
When did mosh pits become so unruly?
I told you, you should get a massage.
Oh, I've never enjoyed having massages.
I don't like being naked
in front of strangers,
and I can never relax if I think
someone might play Norah Jones.
Who wants to hear another
Spacestar Ordering success story?
Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Go!
Last week, I decided I wanted
to learn how to do tattoos.
So, I did the business.
Bought a book on tattoos, read it,
and now I know how to do tattoos. Look!
My helicopter!
Oh, that's brilliant.
Let me see it... Ow!
What the bloody hell's
wrong with you?
I have a really bad back.
You should see a masseuse.
Don't see a masseuse!
They're the biggest
con of the 20th century.
I had a bad back, and I cured it,
thanks to the techniques outlined
in this groundbreaking expose
of the massage industry.
Go like this.
And push your back up.
Oh, for fuuu...!
That's worse! That's way worse.
It's terrible, isn't it?
You told me that would make it better!
No, no, no! That's how I
originally injured my back.
You all right?
Yeah, feels so much better already!
So that's why I ended up
joining the parachute regiment.
Ah, yeah, the Paras.
That's the one I would have joined.
But you know, fear of heights...
Were you in the army?
No.
Right, I have to do a bit
of work on your thighs.
Hey, you do what you need to do.
Did you see that ludicrous
display last night?
What was Mancini thinking, eh?
The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.
Arsenal?
Whoever we're talking about.
Right...
nearly done.
Oh, thanks again, man, this
really does feel so much better.
Right.
Oh, yeah!
There we are. All finished.
* I love him I love
him, I love him so. *
Goodness me!
What-what-what would you
term what just happened there?
Norman says my voice is extraordinary.
He's right.
This is it, you know.
This is the guy.
This is the big one.
There's nothing about him I don't like.
When he's asleep, he makes this sound...
a lovely, little, gentle purr.
Oh, this is a long song.
You know, the last few
days has been indescribable.
Good.
Hi, Roy!
Hi, Roy.
What?
You okay?
What?
Are you all right?
Is your back still hurting?
Didn't you go to see the masseuse?
Yes, I did.
Did it help?
No.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fine.
It's just you'vegot the same face
you have when you eat vegetables.
Okay.
Something happened.
Something happened?
Yes. When I was getting the
massage, the masseuse did something.
Go on.
Okay, I'm going to tell
you, but have to promise
not to laugh at me, because this
whole thing has left me very shaken.
- Okay. I promise I will not laugh.
- Okay.
He kissed me on the arse.
Sorry, I may have
misheard you there, Roy.
What did you just say?
I was enjoying the massage,
everything had gone very, very well,
but then at the end he just leaned down,
and he gave me a big kiss on the arse.
And you thought I'd find that funny?!
Well, yeah, I suppose I did.
On what planet would that be funny?
Whereabouts on the arse did he kiss you?
I don't know,
just to the left of the...the
line that goes down the middle.
The cleftal horizon.
Is that what it's called?
Yes, it is, but never mind
that, what happened next?
Well, then I just got dressed and I left.
Okay. Have you told Jen this?
No, I was reallyafraid
she'd laugh at me.
Do you think Jen's a monster?!
She wouldn't laugh
- This man crossed the line!
He is a member of the medical
profession. Roy, look at me.
Look... at... me!
There is nothing funny about this.
I think he crossed the line.
I don't think it's funny.
I mean, I was so relaxed, and then
that just tensed me right up again.
My hands were like that for an hour.
I couldn't get them in
to my pockets to pay him.
You paid him?!
Roy, I've got to tell you, I
think you've got grounds to sue.
Really?
What is that?!
That's Jen.
That's what she does now.
You should tell her.
You should tell her.
What?
Listen to this.
Jen, you know that I
went for that massage?
Yeah. You are not going to believe this.
The bloke who did it
kissed me on my arse.
No, Jen, my masseuse
kissed me on my bum!
My body went into spasms!
My hands were like this for an hour!
Stop it! You're killing me!
You've got to spread
that kind of material out!
I can't believe this!
So what's the problem? I know!
He doesn't write, he doesn't call!
What, did you think he was
coming on to you? I don't know!
Maybe he's like the Michelangelo
of physical therapists
and that was his signature.
Maybe he does it to everybody.
Look, to be honest, I
don't care why he did it.
All I know is that I was vulnerable.
I was naked, and he
kissed me on my bottom.
I'll tell you something, this is
not the last he has heard of me.
As God is my witness, no
man shall ever have to be
kissed on the bottom unexpectedly
because of this man ever again.
Will you stop laughing?!
This is the first time
I've left before you.
We're looking up legal precedents
of Roy being kissed on the arse.
Don't sue him, Roy.
You'll get on the news.
Don't listen to her.
Everyone will laugh!
No-one will laugh! Come on, help
us bring this monster to justice!
I can't. The band are playing a new
song tonight, they want my opinion.
You know to just say,
"It's great," right?
Roy, I am a person. With
thoughts and opinions.
No. You're not.
Jen, please, just say, "It's great."
When people like that ask you what you think,
all they want tohear is that they're geniuses.
Goodbye.
She... is... evil.
Spacestar ordering
success story number three.
My tattoo got infected, so
they've had to cut off my arm!
I am getting a robot hand!
* In the war... *
* I am beautiful... *
Beautiful. Really beautiful.
Thank you.
It's just a great song.
Really, really great.
If you forced me to give one criticism, it'd
be that maybe it goes on just a bit too long.
- Apart from that, perfect.
- Okay.
Listen, Tim, Mary's not going to make it
tonight. What'll we do about backing vocals?
I'd love to!
Moss, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Do I have to testify?
I can't make that decision for you, Roy.
You've just got to ask
yourself one thing...
if you don't take the stand,
how many more unsolicited bum kisses will
be administered by that lip-happy bastard?
No, you're right, I know you're
right. I do want to testify.
I'm just afraid that
they're going to laugh at me.
What if they're all...what
if they're all like Jen?
They're not going to laugh, Roy.
No-one's like Jen.
No-one.
I've come to realise she's
actually a very odd person.
Well, good luck tonight, everyone!
Are you a big Stevie Nicks fan,
Jen? Stevie Nicks? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. Thanks so much for
this, guys, I'm so excited.
I've never done anything
like this before.
I can't believe you want me
to do it! I won't let you down.
So, Norman, we've had a talk.
We think we're going to go back to
not having a keyboard in the band.
Oh, no!
Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll
see you both again soon, yeah?
Wait! I'm out too?
And the defendant gave no indication
that he had any intention
of kissing you on the bottom?
No indication whatsoever. He just
kissed me on my bottom. Out of nowhere.
What was the result?
Well, I had nightmares about it.
And I can't stop washing my bottom.
And I find it hard to trust masseurs.
Where exactly did he kiss you?
It was in the middle. In
the middle of your bottom?
Well, just to the left
of the cleftal horizon.
In layman's terms,
please, Mr. Trenneman.
Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour.
Just to the left of the bum line.
Just above the thigh?
Well above the thigh.
It was on my bottom.
Although it is true, is it not,
that what some people call their
bottom, others might call their hip.
No, he kissed my bottom, sir.
But is it not true... He
kissed me on my bottom!
Why is no-one laughing?
It's no laughing matter, Jen.
We Spaceologists take this
kind of thing very seriously.
Are all these people Spaceologists?
Yes, this trial could bring the
massage industry to its knees.
And you'll find they take this
case with the gravity it deserves.
Perhaps Mr. Trenneman might be able to
help us with the aid of this diagram.
Could you please place this
picture of the defendant...
on the area where
you say he kissed you?
That was where the incident happened.
I think that's accurate. Oh,
you think that is accurate?
Yes.Only a moment ago you were
quite sure, yet now you only think.
You're twisting my words.
Is it not true that this may simply be an artist,
proud of his work, signing off with a flourish?
That is not the point.
Yes, thank you, Mr.
Trenneman. That will be all.
My arse is not a canvas!
I said, that will be all, thank you.
My bottom is not a kissing post, sir.
Okay, you can dress this up however you like,
with your fancy words, but the truth remains
that man, sitting there,
kissed me on my bike rack
and I was not expecting it
and it rendered an
expensive massageworthless.
Your Honour, please.
And I am here today so that no man
need be kissed on his sweetmeats
by this man ever again, unless they have
arranged it beforehand for some reason.
Will you be silent?
I will not be silent!
I will never be silent!
I will not stop until
those lips are behind bars!
How dare you?
I trusted you. My trouser
hams are not for sale, sir!
I put my arse in your hands.
I rest my case.
I'd have used my robot hand for good.
Wake up!
What is it?
The simple answer is, we don't know.
Or at least, we didn't know until now.
Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm.
And I'm not a scientist, but I
do have a better understanding
of what space is than any
scientist living today.
Where did I gain these
insights? From this man.
The founder of Spaceology,
Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relation
to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy,
is the founder of Spaceology.
A religion, not a cult.
In other words, when it comes to space,
he's the man with his
head screwed on tight.
This is what he told me when I
met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Space is invisible mind dust
and stars are but wishes.
I mean, think about that!
That means every star you
can see in the night sky
is a wish that has come true.
And they've come true
because of something he
calls Spacestar Ordering.
Spacestar Ordering is based on
the twin scientific principles
of star maths and wishy thinking.
If you'd like to know more, there
are thousands of Spaceology centres
all over the UK.
If that doesn't convince you,
well, then, maybe you just don't
deserve to get what you want.
Wow. You're a genius, Ray!
Love the special effects!
How did you do that thing
where I'm spinning around?
Well, in that bit, you're
actually spinning around.
I'm glad you like the website, Mr... Reynholm,
I did spend quite a lot of time on it.
It's brilliant, and well
worth every penny of the 50.
100...Didn't we say 100?
I never would have agreed to that.
Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a
helicopter this time last week
and now, thanks to
Spacestar Ordering, has one?
You?
I'll give you a clue
- It ain't these chaps!
You?
You're a sceptic, Jen. You
should be more like these.
They can't get enough of
my Spacestar Ordering story.
Yes, yes, I noticed you've been
coming down here a lot more often
because of all the questions.
So, Mr. Reynholm, how did the
cosmos grant you a helicopter?
Well, I visualised the thing I wanted.
In my case, it was a helicopter.
I drew a picture of the helicopter
on a piece of paper, then I
stood with my back to space,
threw the paper over my
shoulder and wished really hard.
When you say that you stood
with your back to space...Yes.
How exactly did you achieve that?
I waited till night time.
Of course.
Couple of days later,
bought myself a helicopter.
Explain that one, if you can!
I wish the cosmos would make it
slightly harder to find our office.
Don't worry, Jen, you'll get your wish,
just as I one day,
I'll get my robot hand.
Scientific mind, believes
in Spacestar Ordering.
Who's getting the robot hand first?
Hey, you're still up for tonight, right?
I'll go if Moss goes.
Sorry, Jen. I find music
confusing and annoying.
Roy invited me to a gig once.
I didn't really enjoy it.
You went to the wrong address.
You went to a swimming pool.
Are you sure it's not swimming pools
that you find confusing and annoying?
You're right.
It's not music I hate, it's swimming!
You know what? I will come, Roy.
Where's Moss? I can't believe
he's missing out on this.
Where are they?
I'm going to have to
go dance at the front.
Aren't you a bit old for the front?
I'm 31!
Good for you, mate!
Careful! My foot!
You chill out, man!
Jesus!
Get out of town! You hooked
up with someone from the band?
Wow, who was it?
Norman.
Norman? Oh, he's the drummer, right?
The keyboard player.
The keyboard player?
Okay.
Okay. What?
No, it's just...
The keyboard player? Really?!
Yeah. What?
It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't
he? I didn't think he was your type.
Jen's going out with a geek!
Are you sure it's not just
because he's in a band?
Yes. I really am that shallow, Roy!
I know you are.
Yeah, I'm that shallow.
You are, though. I mean,
you really, really are.
Look, I like him.
He doesn't say a lot, he's more of
a thinker. I think he's really cool.
It's because he's in a
band! Oh, flippin' hell.
Is this your back again?
When did mosh pits become so unruly?
I told you, you should get a massage.
Oh, I've never enjoyed having massages.
I don't like being naked
in front of strangers,
and I can never relax if I think
someone might play Norah Jones.
Who wants to hear another
Spacestar Ordering success story?
Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Go!
Last week, I decided I wanted
to learn how to do tattoos.
So, I did the business.
Bought a book on tattoos, read it,
and now I know how to do tattoos. Look!
My helicopter!
Oh, that's brilliant.
Let me see it... Ow!
What the bloody hell's
wrong with you?
I have a really bad back.
You should see a masseuse.
Don't see a masseuse!
They're the biggest
con of the 20th century.
I had a bad back, and I cured it,
thanks to the techniques outlined
in this groundbreaking expose
of the massage industry.
Go like this.
And push your back up.
Oh, for fuuu...!
That's worse! That's way worse.
It's terrible, isn't it?
You told me that would make it better!
No, no, no! That's how I
originally injured my back.
You all right?
Yeah, feels so much better already!
So that's why I ended up
joining the parachute regiment.
Ah, yeah, the Paras.
That's the one I would have joined.
But you know, fear of heights...
Were you in the army?
No.
Right, I have to do a bit
of work on your thighs.
Hey, you do what you need to do.
Did you see that ludicrous
display last night?
What was Mancini thinking, eh?
The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.
Arsenal?
Whoever we're talking about.
Right...
nearly done.
Oh, thanks again, man, this
really does feel so much better.
Right.
Oh, yeah!
There we are. All finished.
* I love him I love
him, I love him so. *
Goodness me!
What-what-what would you
term what just happened there?
Norman says my voice is extraordinary.
He's right.
This is it, you know.
This is the guy.
This is the big one.
There's nothing about him I don't like.
When he's asleep, he makes this sound...
a lovely, little, gentle purr.
Oh, this is a long song.
You know, the last few
days has been indescribable.
Good.
Hi, Roy!
Hi, Roy.
What?
You okay?
What?
Are you all right?
Is your back still hurting?
Didn't you go to see the masseuse?
Yes, I did.
Did it help?
No.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fine.
It's just you'vegot the same face
you have when you eat vegetables.
Okay.
Something happened.
Something happened?
Yes. When I was getting the
massage, the masseuse did something.
Go on.
Okay, I'm going to tell
you, but have to promise
not to laugh at me, because this
whole thing has left me very shaken.
- Okay. I promise I will not laugh.
- Okay.
He kissed me on the arse.
Sorry, I may have
misheard you there, Roy.
What did you just say?
I was enjoying the massage,
everything had gone very, very well,
but then at the end he just leaned down,
and he gave me a big kiss on the arse.
And you thought I'd find that funny?!
Well, yeah, I suppose I did.
On what planet would that be funny?
Whereabouts on the arse did he kiss you?
I don't know,
just to the left of the...the
line that goes down the middle.
The cleftal horizon.
Is that what it's called?
Yes, it is, but never mind
that, what happened next?
Well, then I just got dressed and I left.
Okay. Have you told Jen this?
No, I was reallyafraid
she'd laugh at me.
Do you think Jen's a monster?!
She wouldn't laugh
- This man crossed the line!
He is a member of the medical
profession. Roy, look at me.
Look... at... me!
There is nothing funny about this.
I think he crossed the line.
I don't think it's funny.
I mean, I was so relaxed, and then
that just tensed me right up again.
My hands were like that for an hour.
I couldn't get them in
to my pockets to pay him.
You paid him?!
Roy, I've got to tell you, I
think you've got grounds to sue.
Really?
What is that?!
That's Jen.
That's what she does now.
You should tell her.
You should tell her.
What?
Listen to this.
Jen, you know that I
went for that massage?
Yeah. You are not going to believe this.
The bloke who did it
kissed me on my arse.
No, Jen, my masseuse
kissed me on my bum!
My body went into spasms!
My hands were like this for an hour!
Stop it! You're killing me!
You've got to spread
that kind of material out!
I can't believe this!
So what's the problem? I know!
He doesn't write, he doesn't call!
What, did you think he was
coming on to you? I don't know!
Maybe he's like the Michelangelo
of physical therapists
and that was his signature.
Maybe he does it to everybody.
Look, to be honest, I
don't care why he did it.
All I know is that I was vulnerable.
I was naked, and he
kissed me on my bottom.
I'll tell you something, this is
not the last he has heard of me.
As God is my witness, no
man shall ever have to be
kissed on the bottom unexpectedly
because of this man ever again.
Will you stop laughing?!
This is the first time
I've left before you.
We're looking up legal precedents
of Roy being kissed on the arse.
Don't sue him, Roy.
You'll get on the news.
Don't listen to her.
Everyone will laugh!
No-one will laugh! Come on, help
us bring this monster to justice!
I can't. The band are playing a new
song tonight, they want my opinion.
You know to just say,
"It's great," right?
Roy, I am a person. With
thoughts and opinions.
No. You're not.
Jen, please, just say, "It's great."
When people like that ask you what you think,
all they want tohear is that they're geniuses.
Goodbye.
She... is... evil.
Spacestar ordering
success story number three.
My tattoo got infected, so
they've had to cut off my arm!
I am getting a robot hand!
* In the war... *
* I am beautiful... *
Beautiful. Really beautiful.
Thank you.
It's just a great song.
Really, really great.
If you forced me to give one criticism, it'd
be that maybe it goes on just a bit too long.
- Apart from that, perfect.
- Okay.
Listen, Tim, Mary's not going to make it
tonight. What'll we do about backing vocals?
I'd love to!
Moss, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Do I have to testify?
I can't make that decision for you, Roy.
You've just got to ask
yourself one thing...
if you don't take the stand,
how many more unsolicited bum kisses will
be administered by that lip-happy bastard?
No, you're right, I know you're
right. I do want to testify.
I'm just afraid that
they're going to laugh at me.
What if they're all...what
if they're all like Jen?
They're not going to laugh, Roy.
No-one's like Jen.
No-one.
I've come to realise she's
actually a very odd person.
Well, good luck tonight, everyone!
Are you a big Stevie Nicks fan,
Jen? Stevie Nicks? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. Thanks so much for
this, guys, I'm so excited.
I've never done anything
like this before.
I can't believe you want me
to do it! I won't let you down.
So, Norman, we've had a talk.
We think we're going to go back to
not having a keyboard in the band.
Oh, no!
Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll
see you both again soon, yeah?
Wait! I'm out too?
And the defendant gave no indication
that he had any intention
of kissing you on the bottom?
No indication whatsoever. He just
kissed me on my bottom. Out of nowhere.
What was the result?
Well, I had nightmares about it.
And I can't stop washing my bottom.
And I find it hard to trust masseurs.
Where exactly did he kiss you?
It was in the middle. In
the middle of your bottom?
Well, just to the left
of the cleftal horizon.
In layman's terms,
please, Mr. Trenneman.
Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour.
Just to the left of the bum line.
Just above the thigh?
Well above the thigh.
It was on my bottom.
Although it is true, is it not,
that what some people call their
bottom, others might call their hip.
No, he kissed my bottom, sir.
But is it not true... He
kissed me on my bottom!
Why is no-one laughing?
It's no laughing matter, Jen.
We Spaceologists take this
kind of thing very seriously.
Are all these people Spaceologists?
Yes, this trial could bring the
massage industry to its knees.
And you'll find they take this
case with the gravity it deserves.
Perhaps Mr. Trenneman might be able to
help us with the aid of this diagram.
Could you please place this
picture of the defendant...
on the area where
you say he kissed you?
That was where the incident happened.
I think that's accurate. Oh,
you think that is accurate?
Yes.Only a moment ago you were
quite sure, yet now you only think.
You're twisting my words.
Is it not true that this may simply be an artist,
proud of his work, signing off with a flourish?
That is not the point.
Yes, thank you, Mr.
Trenneman. That will be all.
My arse is not a canvas!
I said, that will be all, thank you.
My bottom is not a kissing post, sir.
Okay, you can dress this up however you like,
with your fancy words, but the truth remains
that man, sitting there,
kissed me on my bike rack
and I was not expecting it
and it rendered an
expensive massageworthless.
Your Honour, please.
And I am here today so that no man
need be kissed on his sweetmeats
by this man ever again, unless they have
arranged it beforehand for some reason.
Will you be silent?
I will not be silent!
I will never be silent!
I will not stop until
those lips are behind bars!
How dare you?
I trusted you. My trouser
hams are not for sale, sir!
I put my arse in your hands.
I rest my case.
I'd have used my robot hand for good.
Wake up!