The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 6 - Calendar Geeks - full transcript

- Have you nearly finished, Roy?
- Yep.

- You're taking a very long time.
- It's a very complicated problem.

You've got a lot of...
chabaranks in your hard drive.

I'll get them out eventually.

Urh! Frustrating!

Come on, work!
Work, you bloody computer!

Nadine, do you know
about digital cameras?

Oh, Roy might.

I do, as it happens. I'm an
amateur photographer, actually.

I just got this new one,
but it's really complicated.

That's fixed.



- What was wrong with it?
- Wasn't turned on.

Oh...

I don't even know why I got rid
of my old one-- it was working fine.

Well, these all look good.

What's going on with this fella?!

Look at him! He's pulling a mad face!
He looks completely mental.

That's Dave, my brother.
He's got a very serious condition.

When I said "mental" there, I meant
mental in the sense of... intelligent.

You know, like he's a big reader.

- He has boss-eyedness.
- Bossiednis?

He's permanently boss-eyed.

- That must be a big pain in the arse.
- It is.

And the terrible thing is,

people think there's actually
something funny about this.



No! Who could think there's
something funny about this?

But it's a proper condition
and he really suffers, he really...

Oh, hey...

I'd just give anything
if Dave could have a normal life.

- Oh, hey now...
- Kimberly, are you OK?

It's just... Dave.

Oh, poor Dave.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we do something
to raise money for people like Dave?

You know, like... We must be able to
think of something... Like a fun run!

- That's a good idea.
- Or a nude calendar.

Yes!

I would say that's maybe even
a better idea than the fun-run idea.

We could call it
"The girls of the 7th floor".

Yes!

- It's a very strong theme.
- Roy could be the photographer!

I could do the photographs. Because
I said I was an amateur photographer.

Let's do a brainstorm. I'd like
to be November, if that's OK.

- Can I be April?
- Yes.

In October we've got to have
a Halloween theme...

Boss-eyedness is something
which affects 1% of Britons.

It doesn't impair eyesight,

yet people with boss-eye are
routinely discriminated against.

Just like any form of
discrimination, it should be stopped.

But we can only do
so with your help.

That's right--
we're looking at you.

It's not funny, Jen.

It's a very serious condition.

I know it is. I know it is.
I'm sorry.

Look, this is exactly the kind of
discrimination we are fighting against.

- And what do you need from me?
- I just need a little time off work.

We're trying to raise money
for the boss-eyed.

- Who? Who is?
- Just me and some people.

Oh, yeah? Who?

People from upstairs.
You wouldn't know them.

- Oh, OK. What are you gonna do?
- Well...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hiya.
- What are you talking about?

Er, nothing. I'm just talking
to Jen about a private project.

What is it?

It's just a private project
I'm doing that's private.

What is it?

It's just a thing.

It's just a big bloody pain-in-
the-arse thing that I might do.

Oh, you are being modest.

It's a very kind thing you're doing,
very generous, very charitable.

I really am impressed.
Good for you.

What's he done, persuaded
all the girls on seven

to do a nude
calendar for charity?!

- Bye.
- Bye, Moss.

Oh, God, he's right.

Oh, no... How the hell...
No, no... Aww!

- He made it sound sleazy!
- It is sleazy!

Oh, what kind of man
would want to photograph

a bunch of beautiful women
without any clothes on, Roy?

The kind of man
who wants to help people, Jen!

No, I don't like it.
I find it very offensive.

No, it's going to be tasteful.

- No, it's not.
- You're right, it's not. It's not.

It's going to be rude.
It's going to be sexy.

All the things that men like.

And it's gonna make a million
quid for that charity.

- No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
- Why not?

Taking your clothes off...

If it's unemployed men or old
ladies from Yorkshire, it's fun.

If it's sexy women, it's not fun;
it's oppression.

No, I will not give you
any time off for this.

Well, OK. Then I will
do it in my own time.

Roy, you're behaving
like a horny teenager.

No, you are.

For God's sake, try
and have some dignity.

- No, I won't. I won't.
- Sit down.

No.

- Try and have an adult conversation.
- I'm doing it. It's for charity.

And there's nothing you
can do about it!

You're embarrassing yourself!

Roy, stop it! Come back here!

Roy, don't be silly, come back!
Roy!

I'm really pleased we've
had this conversation.

Thanks for seeing us.

Any advice you need
about anything...

Oh, you're so lovely.

Hiya.

Roy, thank God you're here.

Jen's been telling us how the
calendar would've been sexist...

Oh, has she?

How it'd be much better if we
used old ladies or unemployed men.

Ohhh, good.

She thinks we'll make a lot more
money because of the "ah" factor.

The "ah" factor?

The thing that makes you go, "Ah"
when you hear about it.

Oh, yeah...

But will anyone actually
want to see old women

or destitute men
with no clothes on?

Won't that just make people
go, "Agh!", rather than "Ah"?

Guys, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we all ask our
grans to do the calendar?

- Aaarrghh!
- That is a great idea!

Oh, Nadine, you are so full of ideas.
But can I... Hold on one second.

What's our theme? Isn't our
theme "Girls of the 7th floor"?

That was a very strong theme.

Yes, Roy, but now the theme can be
"Grans of the girls of the 7th floor".

Oh, yeah... I don't want
to take photos of grannies.

This could do very well, Roy.
This could be tasteful.

Like the one Helen Mirren did.

Old ladies, pot plants covering their
bits-- you know the sort of thing.

An erotic calendar
the whole family could enjoy.

Roy, you can't drop out now.
Douglas has paid for the studio time.

What? Has he?

Yeah. He's really very
interested in this project.

And I just have to say how I'm finding
this whole thing just... so moving,

how so many men have shown interest
and support for the calendar.

I mean, people really do care
about the boss-eyeds.

Roy... you can't drop out now.

I wasn't... wrong about you,
was I, Roy?

I thought you were special.

I am.

I'm so special. I... No... I...

Let's do it!
Let's go round up those grans!

Thank you! Oh, thank you!

That's OK.

- Hi.
- Hi!

You know, we could just
get a proper photographer.

- Oh, no, I'm happy to do it.
- OK.

- How's it going?
- Not a great start, I have to say.

Of all the girls on seven, only nine
have grans that are still alive.

Of that nine, one is having a... hip
replacement on the day of the shoot,

one is a little... senile
and may not know what's happening...

and the last one...
the last one has a gangrenous arm.

But she still wants to do it.

So all I have to do now
is hit the streets

and find six old women
that I've never met

who'd be happy to take
all of their clothes off

and let me take
photographs of them.

Why are you doing this?

Same reason I do everything, Jen--
to have sex with a lady.

Ah...

What?

I said, "Do you want to
be in a nude calendar?"

- Do I want a calendar?
- No, no. No.

Do you... want...

to do...

a nude calendar?

- For charity.
- Oh, for charity!

Oh, well, in that case, yes,
I'll take it. How much is it?

No, no, no. No, no. No.

Do you want to do a calendar?

But the doctor's already
changed my catheter.

No, no... No.

I need you...
to take all your clothes off...

and have me take
photographs of you.

Oh, you remembered
your old mum's birthday.

IT?

Jen, hi.
I just wanted you to know

if this calendar doesn't
make a million pounds,

I'm holding you
personally responsible.

What?!
That's not very fair.

I'm sad to say that the only secure
route to a knighthood in this sorry age

is via charity work.

You can't do that.
It wasn't my idea.

Nonetheless.
The idea came from your department,

and as head of the department
it's your nuts on the block.

- Oh, Mr Reynholm...
- Don't worry, Jen.

Just make it as sexy as hell
and watch the money pour in.

Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Every page sexier than the last.

Mr Reynholm...

Oh, grans... Grans aren't sexy.
That's not gonna make any money.

What kind of society
are we living in?!

What?

Apparently we are living
in the kind of society

that sees a man who just wants to
take naked photos of some old ladies

as some sort of weirdo!

Who deserves to be chased and shouted
at and beaten... and chased...

Did you tell them it's
for the boss-eyeds?

Oh, I did, I did.

I did tell them that, Jen, and you
know what? They just laughed at me.

What?

They just laughed at me, Jen.
They don't care about the boss-eyeds.

Wait, Roy. You know what? Maybe we
should rethink the theme a little bit.

"Grans of the girls of the 7th
floor" - it's such a mouthful.

Why don't we just bring it back
to "Girls of the 7th floor"?

- You said it was sexist.
- Oh, ppfftt! It's empowering!

Sexist! How dare you
be so patronising?

Oh, you... Whoa-whoa-whoa...

And you'd enjoy it, Roy.

Yeah, you'd love to take
those photos, wouldn't you?

You'd enjoy taking those photos.
I bet you would.

You'd enjoy that a lot more.

D'you know what I'm talking about?
Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

- I don't know, Jen.
- Oh, come on!

No, no. I don't think
Kimberly would like it.

And I don't want to make any wrong
moves there. I cannot blow this one.

Kimberly is the best thing
that has ever happened to me,

and she hasn't
really happened to me yet.

We are not gonna make any money
with grannies.

I'm back!

- What? What do you mean?
- I'm back. From holiday.

- You were on holiday?
- Yes, I was on holiday.

- Oh, that's right...
- Yes, yes, yes...

You didn't know
I was on holiday?

No, no, no, we did.
Where did you go?

You didn't know
I was on holiday!

Oh, we did, we did...
We missed you.

I've been gone a week!

- A week?!
- Wow!

- Hm...
- What?

- You know what's very in at the moment?
- I don't.

Geeks. You lot.

The whole nerd thing.
Geek chic. It's very in.

So?

So it's a calendar that
celebrates scientific achievement?

- That's right.
- About time!

Think of it as an opportunity to
re-enact all of your favourite moments

from the history of science.

And maths?

- And maths.
- Yes!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

- Yep?
- OK, are they all there?

- Yep.
- You rounded up your best-looking friends?

Yep.

OK, great, Roy. Remember, it's
gotta be sexy. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

Yep.

OK, so... if the rest of
you want to take lunch...

I'll do Moss first.

Laters.

So I'll hold up the beaker
like, "Ah! I've discovered something."

- Exactly. Yes.
- But what have I discovered?

- It doesn't matter.
- I think it does a bit, actually.

Um, OK, you have discovered...
nuclear bombs.

In a beaker?

You're right. It's surprising.
So give me "surprised".

Yeah! That's it.

And it's confusing.

Yes. You're "confused".

And you are afraid of the
consequences... Give me fear! Fear!

Yeah. That's good. That's good.

OK, nice, nice.

And... if... if you're
hot or anything, Moss,

maybe you could undo
some buttons on your shirt.

No, I'm all right, thanks, Roy.

Maybe just undo your top button.

Why?

It's hot. It's a hot lab.
Because of all the... fusion.

- Fission!
- Fission. Yeah.

That's it.

Maybe just one more button.

OK. That's good.

And maybe you could, er...
maybe you could get down on all fours.

Why?

Because you had some microscopic
nuclear things and you dropped them.

- Oh, did I? Oh...
- Big klutz!

- Oh, nightmare! Oh...
- They're down there somewhere.

- It's a pain. Oh, where are they?
- Yeah... And you're getting angry.

- Well, I would. It's frustrating.
- Because you can't find them.

- Arhhh...
- Arrhh! Grrr!

You know how you growl
if you can't find stuff.

- Grrr!
- That's it.

And there are other people in the lab
and they're being so noisy.

OK. Shh!

- That's it.
- Shh!

- Bit less of...
- Yes.

And... and then it occurs to you

that maybe you put your microscopic
nuclear things in your back pocket.

Oh, did I? Oh...

That's a pain. Why would they be
there? And yet I've put them there.

- Yeah.
- It's strange.

Yeah...

- You're working hard. You're tired.
- Well, I've been busy.

- Oh, they're being noisy again. Shush them.
- Shh! Shh! Shh!

- That's good, Moss. Yeah...
- Shh!

OK, so just give me a cheeky sort
of "I've been a naughty boy" look.

But I've just solved Fermat's Theorem.

Yes, but... you solved it in a way

that the stuffed shirts of the time
would've found very naughty.

Am I Fermat? Because if I am,
these clothes are wrong.

Yeah... You're more...
You're a naughty mathematician.

Roy, you're doing it wrong.
The lighting is all wrong.

The pictures are gonna be very gloomy,
Roy. This whole set-up is inadequate.

It's a celebration.
You've just discovered penicillin.

But why are our tops off?

I always take my top off when
I'm celebrating. Don't you?

Oh, yeah, I suppose so.
Yeah, of course.

OK... Cavort!

That's it.

Yeah!

Thank God for all that penicillin.

Touch each other
in a celebratory way.

Yeah! That's it.

Yeah... Yes...

That's good.

That's it.
Ruffle your hair.

That's good. OK. Nice, nice.

That's it. Look over like that...

You... pick him up,
like a wheelbarrow,

and you walk with him,
and then you come in this way. OK?

Like any form of discrimination,
it should be stopped.

But we can only do
so with your help.

That's right--
we're looking at you.

Thank you.
I just wanted to say a few words.

Hey, come on. We did it.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Reynholm Industries' first
sexy new charity calendar.

Come on, goofy!
We wanna see the calendar!

I can't wait.

I hereby announce that speech over
and the calendar ready to go.

And I think I speak
for all men here

when I say I can't wait
to get that box open

and feast my eyes upon
its sexy contents!

Whoa! Someone's played
an awful prank.

There's nothing here
but gloomy pictures of morons.

No, not morons. Geeks. They're
sexy now - you know, geek chic.

Geek chic? I wanna tear my eyes out!

This is horrible! Horrible!

- This is your fault.
- It was Roy's idea.

You idiot! I wouldn't buy this
and it's in aid of me!

- I didn't do it.
- I'm talking to her!

It's hard to tell with your mad eyes.

- Sorry we're late.
- Oh, here are the calendars! Brilliant!

Oh, great! We're on a calendar.
Box-fresh!

There goes the entire audience
for our calendar.

And they got it for free.

Roy, I don't care
that no one liked the calendar.

That was... the nicest thing
that anyone's ever done for me.

- Really?
- Really.

The doctor's already
changed my catheter.

Roy? What's wrong?

Uh... Nothing.

Er, no, I... Don't let me
stop the kissing. Let's...

Shhh...

Nnah!

- Oh, no...
- Roy, are you OK?

Mm. I'm just tired.

Let's... Oh...

Cavort!

- You're doing it wrong.
- Cavort!

- You're doing it wrong.
- The doctor's already changed my catheter.

Aaarrrhh!

Roy, what is it?

Kimberly...

it's not gonna work out.