The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Men Without Women - full transcript

(goats bleating)

- You there!
- Oh!

Blind, wizened man! I have come from
a faraway place to seek a great sorcerer.

- I am whom you seek.
- You?

Why, you are nothing but
an old man in a tent, sitting in rags,

playing hoop-a-lou with the wind.

- You wish for proof?
- Aye.

Pick... pick a card.

Don't show me!
Put it back in the pack.

Is this your card?

No, but damn close.
You are the man I seek.



Come, sit. Tell me a tale.

- It is a woman.
- (scoffs) It is always a woman.

Her sweet voice
wakes a mighty tiger behind my fly.

Yet she is proud
and will not have me.

Her name is Jane or Jan
or something similar.

- You would have her to your bed, would you?
- Aye. A thousand times aye.

(cackles)

Take this tinc... tinc... ticture... tincture,
and put it in her drink.

She will be yours within moments.

Thank you. I will use it well.

- Agh! What's that for?
- I'm sorry. It was an accident.

- Why did you do that? It really hurt!
- Like I say, it was an accident.

- It was full of coins!
- All right, I've apologised once.

- That was a really stupid thing to do!
- You could have caught it, you idiot.



- A stupid thing to do!
- I haven't got time for this bullshit.

(rock music)

- What level is this?
- (both) Shut up!

(Jen wails and shrieks)

(# cacophonous finale)

- Oh, my God.
- Whoo!

- That was perfect.
- Oh, I rock.

- I didn't miss a single note.
- My God.

- I am wasting my life! I am wasting my life.
- Well, how?

Oh, I am so good at this. Why am I so good at
this? What, am I going to put this on my CV?

- Oh, can't something just be fun?
- No, put it away, please.

- But we've got a really big gig coming up.
- Put it away.

- All right, Yoko.
- Oh, God.

Are you still in the same clothes
you were yesterday?

I, uh, may have met a lady
in the pub last night.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes. It, um...
it was quite a memorable evening.

- Good for you.
- (phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, Stephanie, hi.

(sighs) Oh, God. Right, OK, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'll send him right up...
I'll be right up. Bye.

Douglas again?

Yeah. Yeah, he keeps bringing me up
on all these flimsy pretexts.

The other day
it was to show me a dead fly.

(laughs)

Fly!

Yeah, it's getting a little ridiculous.

Wait until I tell you
what happened to me last night.

Wait till I tell you
what's just happened to me.

I bought this muffin from the canteen, and I'll
be jolly rogered if there's not hypricide in it.

Curium... ebrium...
and unless I'm going crazy, that's selenium.

It's definitely hypricide, and it's not even
listed in the table of contents!

That was a great story. Um...

You remember
the woman from last night?

- She seemed lovely, right?
- She was a delight.

Yeah. We get outside, there's a group of
tramps, two of whom she knows by name.

She starts screaming at them,
"You owe me money! You owe me money!"

She thinks that
the tramps owe her money.

Next thing I know, it all kicks off.
I'm running for my life.

It was a horrible evening, a really horrible
evening, and she's a really horrible woman.

Right. But you slept with her?

Yeah.

(clears throat)

Ah, Jen.

I've been expecting you.

You asked me to come up.

Which is why
I've been expecting you.

Anyway, I'm glad
we got that cleared up.

I've got a lot of important papers to look over,
so, uh, if you don't mind...

- What, leave?
- Yes, please.

I like you, Jen.

You don't ask questions.

A lot of people would be confused
as to why I invited them up here

then asked them to leave. Not you.

A person's got to have a lot of backbone to
allow herself to be ordered around like that.

You've got spunk and balls.

And I like that in a woman.

- Thank you.
- Which is why I'd like you to be my PA.

- Really?
- Yes. Stephanie's leaving.

- Definitely?
- No. Stephanie.

Come sit on my big hand.

There's a huge pay rise,

and the chance of many wonderful
opportunities you'd be crazy to pass up. Sex.

- What?
- What?

- Did you just say "sex"?
- I don't think so. Come on, Jen!

I need your mind on the job,
not thinking about sexy sex all the time.

It's true I have been accused of sexy
shenanigans against my female employees...

- Yes, there's that court case.
- Yeah, but she'll settle.

That was the old me.
This is the new me.

And I want you to be a part of it.
A part of me. Sex...

- Moss, I've got something to tell you.
- Oh, my God!

- Wait till I tell you.
- Ah. Yeah. Sorry.

- Where's Roy? He should be here.
- Before you begin, I should tell you

that I sometimes have problems
processing big news.

Douglas has asked me to be his PA.

Oh, my God!

His PA!

Oh, my God!

Well, that is something and a half.

His PA. How... Whoa!

His PA... Shut up! His PA!

- It means "personal assistant".
- Thank you.

Right, OK.
What does that actually involve?

Oh, you know - picking up his mail, going to
the supermarket for him, getting his washing.

I have to say, Moss,
it's a real step up.

Right. How are you going to do that
and work here?

That's the thing. He doesn't want me to.
He wants me to quit the department.

- You're not going to do it, are you?
- Well, there's a huge pay rise.

Phew. So "no".

- No, no, I probably am.
- But what about the pay rise?

- That's if I go.
- Right.

He's not paying me more
to stay here.

Of course not.
That'd be ridiculous.

So, am I getting a pay rise?

Why would you get a pay rise?

- OK, let's just start again.
- Yeah.

Douglas wants me to be your PA.

- No!
- Then why am I getting a pay rise?

Whoa! Whoa!
Why is he getting a pay rise?

Jen wants me to be her PA.

Where did you get this?
It's Douglas who wants the PA.

I don't want to be Douglas's PA.

He's not really qualified, Jen.

And do you even have the authority
to offer me a pay rise?

I don't want you to be my PA.
It's Douglas who wants me to be his PA.

That's it. That's all there is. You don't
come into it. You're not involved at all.

Who's Douglas?

- Oh, so... Douglas wants you to be his PA?
- Yes.

- Are you gonna do it?
- I dunno. It's an opportunity, you know?

- Yeah, I mean, you should probably do it.
- Yeah?

Yeah. You don't wanna be stuck down here
for the rest of your life playing Guitar Hero.

Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah, I think I'll say yes. I think I have to.

You guys'll probably be
glad to see the back of me.

Wow, you're just gonna
let that hang there.

No, I'm joking.
Of course we won't.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, for fu... OK. Um...

OK. Um...
Could you stop shouting at me?

OK, stop shouting at me.
I told you not to call me at work...

How are you drunk again?
It's not even noon!

Who is this? Yeah, yeah, this is his wife.
Please don't call here again.

Yep. What are you gonna do
without me?

Moss? You know that list of things
we're not allowed to do when Jen's here?

- Yeah.
- I think it's time for a printout.

Oh, my word.

Oh, God. Oh...

Oh, bloody hell!

(laughs)

Oh, this is amazing.

Get in.

Welcome to the 30th floor, Jen.

Come with me.
I, uh... I wanna show you something.

- Two of them now!
- Yes.

Do you want me
to get rid of them?

Ten minutes in
and you've already paid for yourself.

(cheery '70s-style music)

(thud)

(music continues)

So Terry can do squash
on the Tuesday,

Lucinda says she can't wait,

and Chessington World of Adventures say
they're very sorry but you're not allowed back.

Whatever.

How long have you been working for me now,
Jen? Three, four months, is it?

Well, no. It's just been today.

You're right. We went jogging, I knackered
that squirrel, and that hand thing happened...

It feels longer.

Feels like we've built up
a, uh... connection.

Yes, yes.
A business connection.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
More than that, though.

No. No, I don't think so.

Ooh. I feel like "mmmm".
Know what I mean?

I do, and I disagree.
Anyway, these came back today...

Come on, Jen!
Ever feel like just having some fun?

Mr Reynholm, I am a professional.
I take my job seriously.

If I wasn't able to do it properly I'd be letting
myself down and I'd be letting you down.

So please, either let me do my job
or let me go.

Anyway, these came back today.

They said they've done their very best,
but some of the stains just won't come out.

- Good God.
- Mr Reynholm?

- You looked exactly like Melissa there.
- Melissa?

My wife. She died.

Oh, poor you. That's terrible.

There's not a day goes past
that I don't think of her.

I'll never forget our final moments.

(woman's voice echoes) Help me!
My husband's trying to kill me!

Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Oh...

- Would you do me a favour?
- What?

I want to feel like Melissa is alive,
just one last time.

OK...

- Here's a selection of her lingerie.
- Oh, Mr Reynholm...

Oh, please, please
dress as my sexy dead wife.

Oh, this isn't working out. I thought
given time you'd get past the sex thing,

but you obviously can't.

I'm going back to IT,
where my skills are appreciated.

I'm not interested in you sexually,
and I never will be.

I didn't want it to come to this, Jen,

but would you like a cup of tea?

(phone rings)

(Roy) Very busy.
Leave a message.

(beep)

Before you do this, you're absolutely sure
you can hit it in such a way

that it won't damage my teeth
as it goes in?

- It's a very simple chip shot, Moss.
- All right.

Wow! (laughs)

You totalled that cup, dude.

- OK. One more try.
- Jen would never have let us do this.

No. She'd be all, like, "Oh, this is dangerous.
You're gonna hit Moss in the face."

How many more things
have we got left on the list?

I think we've done nearly all of 'em.

Yeah. OK, we've had a little sleep,
we're walking round in our pants...

The only thing left to do
is the prank phone call.

OK, all right,
but let's concentrate on this first.

- (glass smashes)
- Whoops!

(laughs)

OK, do it again.

Two lovely cups of tea.
I'm like your PA, cos I made the tea.

(guffaws)

Hang on.

We both take it the same way,
Douglas, so...

- Aren't you gonna drink it?
- I will in a bit.

- So... well done on passing the test, Jen.
- The test?

Yes. All those clumsy attempts at seduction.
Don't tell me you couldn't see through them.

They were a test to find out whether
you really wanted to work for me,

or whether you just wanted
to come up here for my body.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.
- All right.

No, physically you're
just not the sort of man I go for.

- Yeah, thanks, Jen.
- I go for classically good-looking men.

- OK.
- Blond, broad and generally clean-shaven.

All right, yeah,
enough of the jibber-jabber!

I want you to watch this DVD presentation
I've just made.

Any thoughts?

- I haven't seen it yet.
- Then see it now!

Shh!

Hello. I'd like to order a pizza, please.

And can I have it
with extra grapes?

Grapes! What are you like?

Yes, a pizza with grapes, please.

What?

You have a pizza with grapes?

Do grapes even go with pizza?

Ohhhh, I see.

Oh, you got me.

Oh. Oh, very funny. Very mature.

You know,
you're only wasting your own time!

I wish I could have seen
the look on his face!

I can't believe
we've done the whole list.

We've really done all eight items?

Yep.

- Do you wanna play Guitar Hero?
- No, I hate those kind of games.

- Oh! (laughs) I've got one.
- What? What?

Why-why don't we ring them up again, and
ask if they do a pizza with pineapple on it?!

Maybe somebody's computer will break.

I think you'd enjoy this more
while drinking your tea.

(rock music)

(Douglas) Reynholm Industries.
A big hard business in a big hard building.

Thrusting into the future strongly,

again and again.

Pounding the future,
making the future beg for it.

The future wants it, and Reynholm Industries
wants to give it to the future.

That's what it's all about.

We don't want to be like a dead fly,

regretting what we didn't do
in our short time on this Earth.

So maybe it's time to make a decision.

What was that?

- What happened?
- Something just flashed up there.

- Are you sure?
- Let me rewind.

- (Douglas)... decision.
- Aaaaaaaagh!

There it is again.

Something's wrong with your laptop.
I'll call the boys.

(phone rings)

Hello? IT.

Roy, hello.
I didn't even hear the phone ring.

Oh, hello, Jen! Jen! Hello, Jen!
It's Jen!

- Hello, Jen!
- Hi.

Well, h-h-how are you, Jen?

- Good, yeah. Listen, Douglas's computer...
- What's been happening?

- What?
- How's everything upstairs?

- Tell her I'm here.
- Moss is with me.

You do know
I spoke to you four hours ago?

- Yeah.
- Hello, Jen.

Oh, Jen? Jen?
When are you coming back down?

- Let me speak to her.
- No! I'm talking to her!

I dunno. Listen, listen.
Douglas's laptop is having some difficulties...

- (running footsteps)
- ... so could you come up and have a look?

(knock at door)

Oh, no, not these idiots.

Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department
are my friends. They're not idiots.

- Hello, Jen.
- Hi, Jen.

- What the hell is this?
- Where the hell are your trousers?

- Oh, for f...
- Oh, I get it. When the cat's away.

Yeah. It's like all the fun I had
just after my wife died.

Listen, don't sit on anything.
And, um... Mr Reynholm's laptop is broken.

- Something flashed up...
- I'll get it. I'll help her.

- Have you tried turning it off and on again?
- No, we haven't tried that.

- Well, let's have a little look-see.
- I want a go! I want to do a job!

- You can do the next one!
- Don't touch that.

Why are you drinking Rohypnol, Jen?

Flunitrazepam, histomet...

Yep, that's definitely Rohypnol.
Are you having problems with insomnia, or?

- That's nonsense.
- Drink it, then.

All right, I will.

There we go.
A perfectly normal cup of tea.

Now, if you don't mind,
I have some... folloffing to do.

Folloffing?

Yes. I have some folloffels that need pipping,
and I'm... the moulder...

You did put something in that tea!

Damn that sorcerer!
20 gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol!

Oh, God! Rohypnol!
And what's the matter with you?

I just saw his film.

I didn't care for it.

I am very aroused.

I wanna come back downstairs
with you guys.

- No, it's all right. We've got a replacement.
- Oh, shut up!

Oh, right. OK. Who's that?

- It's an answering machine.
- An answering machine?

It's called Jen II. It does everything you do,
and it doesn't boss us about. It is brilliant.

Oh, shut up, for God's sake.

You replaced me
with an answering machine?

OK, I think we should probably leave now.
I don't really like the look in his eyes.

(growls softly)

Let's go. Let's go.

Where's Jen?

Jen? Jen?

Pucker up, boys.
It's Hammertime.

- Jen!
- You lot deserve each other!

(Moss) Jen? Jen? Hello?

(Roy) I think you may have
accidentally locked the door there, Jen.

- (Douglas cackling gleefully)
- Jen! Jen!

- (Moss) Hello, Jen?
- (Roy) Jen! Come on, Jen! Jen...