The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Dinner Party - full transcript

And then Peter said,
"Brie - that's my favourite cheese as well."

And that was when my bag, I don't know
what happened, but it just kind of split open.

- Apples and oranges rolling everywhere.
- And we just tumbled about.

Like a pair of confused little kittens.

And when Peter had
helped me pick everything up,

it just seemed rude
not to give him my number.

Hey! I thought you asked for my number.

Ha, ha, ha! I'm not a slut.

Oh, is that the end of the story? Aww!

- OK, are we all set for tonight?
- Yes.

(childish voice)
Can you please bring me some wine?



That was some...
Oh, buying the same sort of cheese?

Oh, you made a 20-minute story out of it.

Have you thought of adapting it into a film?

No.

Well done, you've bagged a normal.

Yes, he is proper normal, isn't he?

- He's taking me to Paris this weekend.
- Oh, Paris.

- Oh, have you been to Paris, Moss?
- No.

I've heard of it.

- Brie?
- Yeah, what?

Oh, nothing. Just I've always had you down
as more of a double Gloucester type person.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Oh, it's been ages since I had a mini break.

Not only that, but all of my friends
are single, and so are all of his.



So tonight we're going to have a big dinner
party. Oh, it's just going to be brilliant.

Or perhaps that should be "brie-lliant".

Do you know, it is really important to me
that you like him.

No, honestly, it is.
I know we had some rocky beginnings,

but I really think of you now, not just
as my workmates any more, but as friends.

- Stop it.
- No, I mean that. I really do.

You're all really important to me.

Listen, Jen, I've got some bad news.
Colin can't make it tonight.

Oh. But Steve and Jake are still coming?

Colin was bringing Stephen and Jake.
I don't know them very well.

- I'd be uncomfortable without Colin there.
- Oh.

I suppose we're just going to have
to call the whole thing off.

Unless you can find three guys
to replace them?

Yeah, I s...

Bit of dust. I'm gonna...

Definitely later, phone the, um...

Strange, I must...

Oh, look at that.

Oh, I can't. I can't.

It's my home.
It's my special place.

I can't let you nut jobs into my special place.

"Nut jobs"?
I hope you're not including me in that.

Wait a second.
We were all brilliant friends a minute ago.

Yes. Yes, I meant friends in a different way.

In a kind of special way,
that means you can't come into my home.

Right, so sort of like
not being your friends at all?

Yes, yes. Sort of like that,
but in a really special way.

This is your lowest moment, you know.

I think I can live with it.

Roy, can you look at my PC, please?
It keeps freezing.

Did you hear something, Moss?
I thought I heard a noise.

I didn't hear anything, Roy,
unless it was some kind of stupid mouse.

Yeah, or a rat.

Yes. I think it did sound more like a rat.

I can't bear this.
I know I was horrible. I'm sorry.

Oh, Richmond.

Oh, Richmond, not you too?

I'm sorry, Richmond.
I just get embarras...

in...

(doorbell)

(doorbell)

- Hello.
- Hello!

(Roy) Mmm, I smell food.

- What are you doing? Don't sit down yet.
- Why not? I'm tired.

That's the rules.
We stand around a bit first, we have drinks.

- Where's Peter?
- He's in the kitchen. Look...

- Can I go to the toilet?
- Yes, you may. You don't need to ask.

It's just down there to the left.

- Here you go.
- Ah... Oh, thank you, Roy.

Oh, lovely. White wine. Never seen a wine
actually called "White Wine" before.

- Thank you, Roy. What are you drinking?
- Red wine, please.

- Richmond?
- Oh, do you have any absinthe?

- No.
- I only drink absinthe.

Absinthe, no.
Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...

- Oh, Carlsberg. Perfect.
- Right. Well, that was quick.

I washed my hands!

- What do you want to drink, Moss?
- White Russian.

A White Russian?
Oh, for God's sake.

(mumbles)

Documentary.

(mumbles)

Balsamic vinegar.

Conversation.

Oh, apparently one of Jen's friends is a model.
I bagsy the model.

I bagsy the model, Richmond!
Jen! Jen!

Um, we've discussed it as a group
and we think it would be best

if I were to sit beside the model,

because, um... I would like to ask her how
I would go about becoming a photographer.

Or a model.

(Jen) Paula? Oh, she'll appreciate that.

She's just had reconstructive face surgery,
so she'll be happy to have someone to talk to.

Right.

It's actually really brave of her to come out,
cos she was in a really bad car accident,

so you have to be extra nice to her.

Car accident? Brilliant. Just my luck.

Now, I'll be honest with you.
The reason I got you round a bit early

is to go over some ground rules, OK?

If this evening is going to work in any way,

you need to pretend
to be normal people, yeah?

Keep the conversation about things
that would interest everybody.

You know, nothing about memory or RAM.

Memory is RAM. Oh, dear.

If you start straying into areas I don't think
are appropriate, I'll... I don't know, I'll cough.

Coughing is a signal, got it.
Richmond, did you hear that?

- What?
- If Jen coughs, we have to stop talking.

Fine.

Oh, and Moss, this is important, OK?
I'm sitting you beside Margaret.

Margaret. From her name,
I presume she is a lady?

Yes. She's very nice.

She got divorced recently, but I should say,
when she's had a few drinks,

she tends to get a bit over-excited.

Needs to go to the toilet a lot.
Yep, that happens to me.

- No.
- I try and think of something dry.

That helps.
Like a desert, or Shredded Wheat.

No, Moss, you don't understand.
What I'm trying to say is, she's kind of...

she's kind of on the lookout for a man.

- Oh, I see. What's he look like?
- What?

He wouldn't come here,
not with all these people around.

- What's this about?
- Jen's friend has got a stalker.

- Cool.
- Oh, God. Maybe I could just kill myself.

(doorbell)

OK. Here they are.

So, look normal.

Look more normal, more normal.

Relax.

- Oh, forget it.
- (doorbell)

(Jen) Hello, hello, come in.

Hello, I'm Roy.

- Sorry to hear about the accident.
- Hello.

This is Paula.

Yep, I know.

I was talking to her.

- Oh, did you think I was talking to you?
- This is Jessica.

Oh, hello, everybody.
Oh, my God. Social situations.

Bloody hell, I think this is my one.

These are my workmates.
They're not my usual friends.

I work with them.
They're my workmates.

Yes.

(imitating robot) IT department.
Does not compute.

- Oh, my God.
- (doorbell)

- You must be Roy.
- Yeah.

Hello, everybody. I have had a few drinks
already, so no one take advantage of me.

Oh, go on, then!

(laughs hysterically)

I was very pleased
with my last campaign, though.

They just started running it today.

Wow!

That's you?

OK.

So...

How bad was the accident?

A motorbike jumped the lights
and so I swerved into a lamppost.

Then the airbag didn't deploy,
so I hit the dashboard pretty hard.

- With your facial area?
- I hit it full in the face.

Of course you did.

- Speed?
- I was doing about 75.

Oh!

That's fast. That's...

When you regained consciousness,

did you look in the mirror and think,
"Oh, God, my face is ruined"?

They wouldn't let me see my face
after the accident.

Ah. I see.

They said it might not be as symmetrical as it
once had been, but symmetry isn't everything.

Yeah, I like symmetry.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, I'm trying to eat my dinner!

Gosh, ooh. Oh, dear.
Look at us, having a conversation.

Yikes.

# Getting to know you,
getting to know all about you

Eating. Ooh.
"Hello, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm a fish. Help, I'm being eaten."

You know, when you laugh,
I can see the outline of your skull.

You have a beautiful skull.

OK.

- So, the surgeon...
- Yeah?

- Good man?
- Very good. He did his own nose.

Wow. And did you meet him
before the operation?

Yeah, he ran me through it.
He was really nice.

- Confident?
- Why are you so interested?

My mother... is...
thinking of having a breast augmentation.

- I see.
- Yeah. Always wanted them bigger.

But I promised I'd get them for her birthday.

- Her 60th's coming up.
- Right.

Well, I think a round of applause
is justified for that dinner.

Yes, and thanks, Peter, for making it.

- So, who's for dessert?
- Isn't this dessert?

- No, that's tartare sauce.
- Can I have some dessert?

I'll have the tartare sauce.
Stop it! Stop it!

- Look how ticklish he is.
- Stop it!

Come on!

Jen, can you do something about that woman?

- I warned you about her.
- When?

- I spent ten minutes trying to warn you.
- I can see why she's divorced.

She's very divorceable. As soon as you meet
her, you can't wait to take her to court,

- to get rid of her.
- What are you doing?

Well, not that it's any of your business,
but I was planning to have a little poo.

No, no, I mean with Paula.

You keep asking her all those questions
about her accident.

- I'm interested.
- Trying to work out what state her face is in.

Was that obvious?

I suppose I'd better go back in there
and see what Judy Finnigan's up to.

I tell you, if this keeps on going on,
I will divorce her.

You're not married to her.

- No, no. I suppose... I suppose I'm not.
- Come on. Behave yourselves.

There's still a chance to save this thing.

Oh. I... Oh.

(clattering of crockery and glasses)

(coughing)

- Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
- (loud coughing)

I said, do you think you'd die
if you drank wee?

I don't know, but it's a bloody good question.

Here's a question -
who here would eat a spider? I would.

I ate an eel in New York.
I was on stage, so it doesn't count.

Ah, New York, the city of apples.

Oh, Peter, I got that link for the Firefox
extension you were asking about.

- What's your email address?
- Do you have a pen and paper?

- FilePeter? Why FilePeter?
- Well, File is my second name.

- Oh, right. I see. Peter File.
- Who's a paedophile?

- No, no, his name is Peter File.
- His name is Paedophile?

Don't say it like that.
It sounds like "paedophile".

- Isn't that what he just said?
- No. Peter File.

- Paedo-phile?
- Peter File!

- Who's a paedophile?
- No one.

Right. It just sounds like "paedophile".

- No, no, it doesn't.
- Does a bit.

- Peter File.
- Paedophile. Yeah, no, it does.

- Paedophile.
- (all) Peter File. Paedophile.

Yes, I suppose it does!

I hadn't noticed, so...

It doesn't... worry you, does it?

No, no.

Of course it doesn't.

They say "pedophile" in America.
Maybe you should move to America.

He's not moving to America!

Raiders of the Lost Ark?

- Circle of Friends?
- It's so obvious.

- No speaking!
- I've been standing here for ten minutes.

- Where's Richmond and Jessica?
- Pirates of the Caribbean!.

How is that Pirates of the Caribbean?

I don't know, but it was a great movie,
wasn't it? Johnny Depp, what a revelation.

It's Crash!. It's very obviously Crash.
Here's a car crashing into another car,

there's people screaming everywhere
and blood... Oh, Paula, I'm sorry.

- Let's play Spin the Bottle.
- Oh, for God's sake!

- Oh, what?
- Nothing.

- Oh, I'm embarrassing him.
- You're making a fool of yourself.

He's a delicate flower.

- You are drunk.
- If you paid a little more attention to me!

Oh, tell me, Margaret, tell us all, how could
we possibly pay any more attention to you?

Oh, you've changed. You're not the same man
I liked when I came into the party.

We've all changed, Margaret.
We all have.

(Richmond and Jessica, moaning)

Oh, for God's sake!

Night, Jen.
Roy's going to walk me home.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, it's just in case any kind of
an Elephant Man mob situation kicks off.

Sorry about Margaret.
It won't happen again.

- Oh, fiddly do.
- Come on, let's get you home.

- Goodbye, Jen.
- Bye, Jen.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

- Nightmare. An absolute nightmare.
- What do you mean?

Well, I always have this theory that if you let
your work life mix with your personal life,

then somehow, something will go wrong.

But nothing has, has it?
I think it all went rather well.

Everyone seemed to pair off. That's what you
want from an evening like this, isn't it?

Oh, I suppose so.

You're going to have to face the fact you run
a very successful dinner party, Jen Barber.

You didn't do too badly yourself, Peter File.

- Thanks for walking me home.
- That's OK. Goodbye.

Whoa!

- You live here?
- Yeah.

That's a big telly.

Oh, and all the consoles. You've got all of the
consoles. Why do you have all of the consoles?

I'd hate it if a game came out on one console
and I couldn't play it.

- It's better to get them all, don't you think?
- I do think.

Wow.

- And a man doesn't live here?
- No. Just me.

OK.

- I'm going to gamble.
- What?

Would you like to come out
for a drink sometime?

- Oh.
- You know, like a date kind of a thing.

- What the hell?
- Roy, I'm very flattered...

- OK, good. Of course you are. Thursday?
...but you're not my type.

- What?
- I mean physically.

Physically?

Hello.

I think I can do better.

OK.

- Can I have a lend of this?
- No.

Listen, Jen,

when we get back, maybe you should
think about, I don't know,

moving yourself into my place,
vice versa, I don't mind.

But I think it's time we moved on
to the next level, don't you?

- Yes. Yes, definitely.
- Great.

(PA) If there is a Peter File
in the terminal building,

could he please make his way to gate 24?

We are looking for a Peter File.

- Peter File, please make yourself known...
- 24? We're at the wrong gate.

Could Peter File please make himself
known to ground staff?

- That's us, Jen. I'm Peter File!
- We are urgently looking for a Peter File.

I'm Peter File! Over here.
I'm Peter File! Hold on!

Come on, Jen. I'm Peter File!
I'm Peter File!

It's "Peter File", not "paedophile".

Taxi!

(# loud music plays)

(# loud music plays)

It's very loud. Do you mind if I turn it down?

- I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.
- (lowers volume)

(Richmond and Jessica moaning)

(Jessica) Oh, dear.
Look at me, having an orgasm.

(increases volume)