The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Aunt Irma Visits - full transcript

I know you won a party!

But I have to say thank you
to a few people

after what has been
a momentous week for this company.

Project Iccarus has increased
our productivity... 10 folds.

Every department is working
at three times usual speed...

due to the increased interconnectivity

of our...

computer system!

Computers! Computers!

How could I talk about
all that computer stuff,

all... of that computer gobbledegook,



without... saying a word about...

the lawyers!

They cut the red tape!

They cut the red tape!
They cut the red tape!

- Come on!
- Yes!

That's enough!

And when you're talking about computers,

how can you fail to mention...

Accounts!

He's building up to us!

He must be!

And finally, last but not least...

Champagne...

These three people proved,
time and again,



that they have...

the right stuff!

The toilet cleaners!

They said we couldn't do it!

They said outsourcing
our toilet cleaning

would be inefficient!

Derk, Banhead and Doodles
proved them wrong!

Toilets!

That's right Doodles!

Where are you going?

They do this every time.

They never remember us!

But... you did the work!

You did all the work!

So does this mean we're not going
to the "thank you" party?

Of course we're not going
to the "thank you" party!

Why would we go?

We weren't thanked!

Hello? I.T.,

have you tried turning it off
and on again?

Have you tried
sticking it up your arse?

I just realised that was my mother.

God! I was really looking forward
to that, you know.

Fancy to dance.

I'm glad the toilet guys
got the note, though.

They do good work.
Have you been to the toilets on 12th?

It's like going on holiday!

I now try not to go at home, now.

I save it up!

Oh Jesus! Will you please
do something about that poster?

What poster?

Bloody drawer!

That one! The one with the monkey!
It's horrible!

The monkey?
What's wrong with that monkey?

He's not horrible, he's lovely!
He's a lovely little monkey!

What's he doing! A goal!

Not that monkey!

That monkey...

Oh right. That is a bit frightening!

Anyway! I'd better fix this drawer.

Moss! Do you have the hammer?

You're not listening to me!

I hate it when people
don't listen to me!

- Oh God!
- Hey, that much!

Hyena screeching!

It's like someone's killing a cat
in here!

Some kind of shouty cat!

- What's going on?
- God!

Bring it down! Just bring it down.

I'm so, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm just a little bit...

You know...

- You know...
- What?

- What?
- Well, I've got...

- ...you know... at the moment so...
- What?

I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

I Do not like aunt Irma... I've got...

I've got an aunt like that!

It's my term for...

my time of the month...

What time of the month?
The week end?

No.

Does Aunt Irma visit on the week end?

- Moss!
- You know, it...

it's high tide...

- But we're not on the coast.
- Moss!

I'm closed for maintenance.

- Closed for maintenance?
- Moss!

I've fallen to the Communists!

Well, they do have
some strong arguments.

"Carrie", Moss,
first scene in "Carrie".

Yeah. You know, I...

People tell me I'm not great
during this time, so...

I felt I should warn you.

Right. "Not great" what way?

Just... I'm really...
not great to be around, so

- try not to get on my nerves.
- Oh yeah.

Hey, I've had a few girlfriends.
I'm not completely oblivious!

- You won't even know I'm here.
- Okay.

Oh! This is working right...
The afternoon is so great!

Look at that! So smooth!

Stop doing that!

Oh my God!

Sorry! Sorry, but you see what I mean!

You have to be careful.

Yeah! I'll be careful!

- Has she gone yet?
- Yeah.

What was all that about?

Goddamme! Ladies!

God bless them!
What would we do without though?

With their ways...

Their mysterious seasons!

The moon!

Glenn Close! Sheila Riston!

All the different kinds of women.

Smashing!

Oh my appointment.
I've got to go and see the psychiatrist.

I can't believe there's a psychiatrist
in the building.

All because those two from accounts

just had enough of everything
and wanted to go to the seaside.

The seaside?

They committed suicide, Roy!

That's right! Yes, of course.

Why do you have to go and see her?

Because I said Jen was dead, that time.

Oh yeah. Yeah. That'll be it.

She said it was something only
a severely disturbed person would do.

And that now, I have to spend
a lot of time in therapy.

Isn't that great?

Oh well, yes, that's...
That's clearly terrific.

No! No, that's bad!

Why do you think that's great?

The psychiatrist is a very...
attractive lady?

- I see... She's of the female...
- Genre? Yes.

A Dr. Melfi to your Tony Soprano?

She's a glamorous old woman.

Oh, the things you could learn
from her...

Or from any woman.

Is Jen is her office?

- I need to get her to sign something.
- Yeah.

Don't get on her nerves.

How would I get on her nerves?

Hello!

Shouldn't I be on the couch?

No, Maurice. Not today.

I've got some good news.

I think you've downed the corner.

I'm not going on the couch?

You don't need me any more, Moss.

What?

Well, there's obviously
nothing wrong with you.

And I think you're ready now
to do without our sessions.

But I've been feeling depressed!

Oh really? Why?

Because I'm pregnant.

What?

I mean...
I had a dream that I was pregnant.

Well...

There's nothing unusual about that.

But when I have the baby,

I looked down
and saw that it was my father!

- That's normal, Moss.
- Really?

That's the maddest thing
I could think of!

My mother? What if it had two heads?

Moss! Listen, I think you're fine

and there are other people here
who need me more.

But...

I've been having dark thoughts.

Dark thoughts?

Yes. Thoughts about dark things...

What sort of dark things?

Things that are dark...

Like what?

Darkness... night...

Things of the night...

Dracula...

You haven't been thinking
about self-harm?

Self-harm, yes! Harm!

Harm with the self.

Suicide...

For starters, yes.

Moss,

I do not think that you are suicidal.

Why? Why not? I tell you,

I'm at the end of my flipping tether!

Moss! It's not like you
to use that sort of language!

- Flip off!
- Moss!

For God's sake!

- Yes!
- Roy!

Sorry Roy! I may be speaking louder
at the moment

because I'm wearing ear-plugs.

Why are you wearing ear-plugs?

That's right!

- What?
- What's this contraption?

I'm... I'm stealing food
from this machine.

- Yeah!
- You know I do!

Oh, by the way, Roy, your work
on Project Iccarus was very good.

Well done, you did a great job! Thanks!

Yep? I can't hear you!

What's wrong with you?

Oh my God, you're crying?

I'm not crying! You're crying!

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong!

I'm fine! Will you stop getting at me?
You're always getting at me!

I'm not getting at you!
Stop shouting at me!

Why are these things
always so hard to open?!

Oh my God!

Wow, calm down, everybody!

What on Earth is going on?!

I don't know, I feel weird.

I've... I've been swearing
like a flipping docker!

Denholm's just thanked me
for Project Iccarus

and I started crying like an actress!

What's going on?!

Maybe it's all this stuff
that you both eat.

- Oh will you get off that?
- No, honestly, it's true!

Okay, Moss, what did you have
for breakfast this morning?

- Smarties cereals.
- Oh my God!

I didn't even know
Smarties made a cereal.

They don't.
It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Case closed!

It's too much sugar, that's all!

No no! Hold on now!

I basically live on sugar

and we've never had
these problems before.

The only other explanation is...

No, no. It's silly.

What?

Well...

I feel ridiculous even saying it but...

Where I worked before,

there was me and a few other girls,
Liz and Susan and

whenever Aunt Irma was visiting me,

we all kind of...

synchronized.

What's that got to do with us?

Well...

- You think...
- Well maybe...

- You're not saying...
- I know it sounds crazy.

Wow! You don't think
that Aunt Irma is visiting us?

The symptoms, Roy!

I am a man! He's a man! We're men!

Okay, okay! Tell me how you're feeling?

I feel delicate.

And... annoyed...

And...

I think I'm ugly.

That's her!

This is ridiculous!

I've never heard anything so...

bizarre in my life!

Oh stop shouting at her!
You're always shouting at her

and it's not fair! It's not fair!

You don't believe this theory, do you?

- No!
- No.

- It's non sense, isn't it?
- She's so silly!

- Sugar!
- Yeah...

What?

That's not what's causing it.

You think it's Irma?

Yes. Don't you?

No!

I'm a man! We're men!

Well, if it's true,

it's the scientific breakthrough
of the afternoon.

It's not true!

Don't worry,
I wasn't about to look foolish

by jumping to conclusions,
so I've sent an e-mail out

asking everyone's opinions.

Right. Well, that's a good idea.

No, sorry.
Could you run that part to me again?

I've sent it to everyone
in my address book.

You should have one.

What?

Do we have PMT?

You sent this out?!

Oh you signed it from both of us!

You signed it from both of us!

Yes. Along with a list of symptoms.

"Headachy", "Weakened",

"Irritability, anxiety!"

"Breast tenderness!"

I get that, don't you?

Yes!

But you cannot tell
the entire I.T. community

that we have PMT!

Come on! No one would use
that sort of information against us.

Now, wait a second!
They would, wouldn't they? Oh no!

There's probably a whole website
devoted to us already!

Oh I only posted it about an hour ago.

Google our names!

Oh no!

What do we gotta do?

I don't know!

Come on! It's my turn with the bottle.

God, sorry Richmond, sorry.
I always forget you work here.

Yeah. I seldom normally come out
this far, only

could you have a word with Moss and Roy?

Ever since they got famous,
they've been at each other's throats.

- Famous?
- Yes. Google their names.

Oh my God!
How many entries do they have?

Thousands...

Mosse's e-mail's spreading
like a virus!

You've unleashed a monster
with that aunt Irma business.

Yes Richmond. Tell me,
how come Aunt Irma isn't affecting you?

Of course it is!
I've been feeling very gloomy all day!

Not my usual cheery self at all!

Yeah. I guess it's
just difficult to tell

underneath all that make-up.

I'm not wearing make-up!

Could you have a word?

They're driving me out
of my tiny little mind.

Guys! You gonna have to...

Oh my goodness!
What happened to your face?

We had an argument.

Oh God, have you seen this?
What's happening?

The rioting has been going

on all night.

The men involved are young, angry and

almost all of them work with computers.

This is insane! What's going on?!

In Tokyo, two games designers

went on the rampage in a shopping centre

and frightened a dog!

In Hamburg, a group
of software developers

shouted at a bus.

The situation is completely
out of cont...

And it's all because of Aunt Irma.

But how?

You shouldn't have sent out this e-mail
detailing the symptoms.

You know how suggestible
and easily swayed I.T. people are...

- That's not true!
- Yes it is!

No you're right. Of course it is.

You shouldn't have sent that e-mail,
Moss!

Oh don't blame me!

- It's your fault!
- Guys!

Guys, come on! You're fighting!

It's like you're in a trance!

No, you're right!
We shouldn't be doing this!

This is enough! We never fight!

We have to do something.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm going in.

Damn it Roy! I never thought
it would come to this!

The hell it has!

She's the only one that's had
direct contact with Irma.

If we can just calm her down then...

We can hope and pray
that everybody else calms down too.

You've got big balls, Roy!

Thanks.

You're very welcome.

Hiya!

Can't even find a bloody pen in here!

How is my soldier?

What do you want?!

I just came in for a little chat.

You are looking good today!

- Ah, thank you.
- So slim!

Yeah, I'm trying to stay in shape,
you know...

Oh your hair looks great!

Yeah. Hair conditioner.

The action on this is great!

Hello!

Hello Maurice.

I have to tell you
I've a little confession to make.

As you may or may not know,
for ethical reasons,

I'm required not to have any...

relations with any of my patients.

But for the last few months,

I've been developing some

warm...

feelings towards you.

And the real reason
I terminated your therapy

was so that I could explore...

some of these feelings...

I see...

Jen,

I was just wondering,

when you were working
in your old job, with the girls,

if things ever got on top of you,

what would you do to...

relax?

We'd have a big girls' night out.

I'd love that actually.

A big girly night out!

There aren't chances of that round here.

Not necessarily.

Mom?!

This is my psychiatrist.

Oh! No. No, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's just that you...

You look exactly like my mother.

No, no! But that... that...
don't be offended by that.

She's... she's a very sexy woman.

Not not... not that I would want
to have sex with her...

I know that that's what
you psychiatrists think!

But I swear to God
that there's nothing to it in my case!

You know my mother wouldn't stand
for any of that kind of nonsense!

I can just hear her now...

"What are you doing Roy?"

"What are you doing?!"

You handled that well!

That's the psychiatrist!

Yes, I...

I think she's my girlfriend now.

No, Moss! Listen to me.

You can never see that woman again.

She looks exactly like my mother.

Oh stop it. You're exaggerating.

She's the spit of her!

Oh come on. What went on in there?

All right. Okay.

What would you say...

to a big girls' night out?

How big are the girls?

I can't believe I'd never seen
"Steel Magnolias"!

Oh my God! It's good, isn't it?

- I know what we could watch next!
- Yeah!

- Your really liked that film?
- Yes. Didn't you?

No! It was heart-warming!

Well I feel like a princess, Roy!

And don't tell me
you don't feel the same!

Well, my breast-tenderness has gone.

No! What am I talking about?!
I'm a man! We're men!

It's the worst night of my life!

Hiya!

Okay!

Beaches... or... Dirty Dancing!

Oh, Beaches! No! Dirty Dancing!

- Oh I can't decide!
- Do!

God! Dear God!

I don't know which one to watch either!

Oh hey! But you know what we should do?

- What?
- Something else!

Oh! I know!

Why don't we go to the thank you party?

But I thought you didn't want to go.

Well, you know...

Everybody else is there,
and they did nothing

- and we did all the work!
- Yeah...

- Screw them!
- Yeah! Screw them!

- Ok, come on! Let's go girls!
- Yeah!

Ok but first,

10 minutes of Beaches!

Oh Lord!

Oh yes, I suggest
I ask Dr. Mendall to join us.

What?

Moss! Over here!

What shall we do?

Nothing...

I just... I really need to get drunk.

Yeah, I'd like to get drunk.

- We should get drunk together then.
- Okay, yeah.

We should get so drunk
that we don't know what's going on.

All right.

...and, turned out,
4 dead cyclists on my fault!

Brilliant! Same thing I...

I.T. guys! Can we?!

Oh dear.

Oh my God! I didn't!

I didn't!

Good morning!

I've made you a cup of tea.

Ah, thanks mom.

Mom?

That's interesting!

To be continued.