The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fifty-Fifty - full transcript
Deciding that women only like bad boys Roy goes on a blind date with a changed image as a womanizer. Security guard Daniel, impressed by Jen's trivia knowledge, asks her to be his Phone a Friend when he goes on TV quiz show 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?' but unfortunately she gets flustered when he asks for a date on live TV and makes a fool of herself. Nonetheless Roy and Jen plan to take their dates to dinner at a smart restaurant but, due to a mix-up over names, go to an inferior joint and the dates walk out on them.
These subtitles are intended for the
0h24m29s / 25 fps version of the video
So... here we are!
Your place... your place...
La maison... de la femme...
El casa del signorita...
Das haus die Frau...
Good night!
I'll just walk you to the door.
- There's no need.
- That's okay.
So...
I guess this is "arrivederci".
I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.
A glass of water maybe.
Perhaps a little lie down.
Look...
I have to tell you something.
What?
I wanted to tell you
in the restaurant but...
it... a good time
never came up and I...
- I wasn't gonna say it but...
- Say it.
I have to.
What?
You've got shit on your head.
What?
There's some shit on your head.
What?
Where? Where?
It's been there forever.
Oh God! Oh God!
It's chocolate!
It's chocolate!
It's not shit!
It's not shit!
It's..
It's my dessert.
I don't know
how it got there but uh...
It's on my fingers.
It's not shit!
Thank God for that!
You know, I just spent the last hour
thinking you were some sort
of disgusting tramp.
Oh no!
That's funny!
- Oh God, look!
- What?
It's chocolate!
How about that cup of tea now?
I was a perfect gentleman last night
from beginning to end
but she can't see past
a little bit of shit on my forehead!
I thought you said it was chocolate.
Yes, chocolate, yes!
I meant chocolate.
I forgot to turn this thing on.
Hello, IT. .
Hi, uh, something's wrong
with my computer.
Have you tried
turning it off and on again?
Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.
You're welcome then.
It's typical.
The one time I manage
to bamboozle a girl in the building
into going out with me
and this happens.
She's gonna tell everyone!
Oh come on! She's a receptionist,
she'd hardly gossip.
Besides it's a boring story.
Yeah... that's boring.
It's boring, she won't tell anyone.
Hello.
Sorry guys.
She might have told Jen.
No, that's what I'm saying.
It wasn't. It was...
It was chocolate. It was chocolate.
I don't know...
I don't know... it...
it got on my fingers
and then I must have...
Listen...
how did you even hear
about this, mom?
Moss... Moss,
there's a spider in my office.
Could you deal with it?
I just hate spiders.
I'm not overly fond of them
myself there, Jen.
How...
How big is... Whoa! Hey now!
I'll tell you what.
I actually recommend
my good friend Roy there
as the go-to guy on anything
with more than 7 eyes.
He's on a very brief
personal call right now.
Come, Moss. Don't be silly.
You're right, I'm being silly.
Wrap it up, Roy!
It's just a spider. It's fine.
Oh look! It seems to have left
of its own volition.
Oh, be a man, Moss!
You're right, I'll be a man.
I'm a man.
Please don't shut the door.
I won't.
Goodbye, Jen.
That was my mother.
How did she hear about this?
Oh, was that the woman
who phoned earlier?
'Cause I've just been
telling everybody.
Why would you want to go out
with Patricia anyway?
I mean, her last boyfriend
was Simon from 3rd.
- Jen!
- Hey, you!
Hello there.
Have you caught it yet?
Not quite, Jen.
The spider's managed
to walk behind me.
And it's between me and the door.
So I can't get out.
Simon from 3rd
is the one with the hair.
Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.
He once ate
a copy of Loaded for a bet.
- She liked him?
- Apparently.
That explains everything!
She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy
who eats Loaders.
Hello, Daniel.
How are you?
I'm great, thanks. How are you?
I'm great.
Well, can either of you tell me...
Okay... Okay...
who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor?
Was it Mozart or Beethoven?
That was a certain Mr. Mozart,
I think you'll find.
Oh, right. Do you know a lot
about classical music?
- Petit pois.
- Oh, right.
Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?
Actually, no, you were right.
It was Mozart.
Well it's... It was...
Okay, so, let's try another one.
Okay. Here we are.
In what year did Mozart die?
- Was it 1780 or 1791?
- 1791.
Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!
God!
I hope he doesn't come in again!
- Jen!
- Yes!
Is Roy off the phone yet?
The spider is now upon my person.
You guys don't mind me
chilling out in here, do you?
No. Chill out!
So did you see the match last night?
- Oh yeah!
- Oh yeah!
- God!
- Did we?
What a match!
All of the players running up...
the pitch...
and running down it again.
Such athleticism!
What was Rooney thinking over there?
Who knows! That's Rooney!
He is a foolish boy!
Yeah but... that referee...
I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.
Yes, he was certainly
the villain of the piece.
Daniel, you're still here.
Yeah, just...
just having a little break.
Do you wanna come and join me?
Stop it!
Well, I'd better...
I'd better... hit this way.
Oh by the way, guys, if you need
any help with any more spiders,
just give me a call, okay?
Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.
Actually, do you have a card?
That is good. See you.
You like him!
Who?
Oh, that good looking man
with "Security"
written on his shoulders? Yes!
Yes, I do.
He seems really nice.
Nice!
'Cause that's what you women want!
Nice guys!
Hello, IT! .
What are you talking about, Roy?
If my date last night proved anything,
it's that you, ladies,
you don't want nice guys.
I think if your date proved anything,
Roy,
it's that women like men
without poo on their foreheads.
That's our type.
That has nothing to do with this.
She clearly just didn't want
a gentleman in her life.
I hate to generalize, you know that.
But all women just want bastards.
That women liking bastards thing
is a total myth.
I've tried turning it off and on again
and nothing happened.
Is it definitely plugged in?
Oh, let me have a look.
Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.
You're welcome then.
It's just not true.
Women don't want gentlemen.
They want bullies and thugs.
I'll prove it to you.
How will you prove it to me, Roy?
Oh! Okay.
I'll put a...
I'll put on a classified ad online.
A classified?
Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing
but I'll make it sound psychotic.
And I still bet
I'll get a bezillion replies.
Oh, dear God.
Come on. How much?
Okay. Yeah, I'll give you
20 quid if you get 1 response.
You're on!
Oh my God, no!
It's all about body fluids
with you, isn't it?
Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.
Work?
Yeah, we need to post
a classified lonely hearts ad online
that makes me sound like a psycho
so that I can prove to Jen
that all women love bastards
and therefore win 20 pounds.
Thank God!
I thought that thing was broken.
"Shut up! Do what I tell you!
I'm not interested!"
These are just some of the things
you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.
"I'm an idiot and
I don't care about anyone but myself."
"PS: No dogs."
- That's good.
- What's yours?
Mine doesn't look any good now.
Go on.
"I'm going to murder you."
"You bloody woman!"
Might want to play a bit hard to get.
If you were a murderer,
what would your nickname be?
Mine would be "The Gardener",
'cause I'd always leave a rose
at the scene of the crime.
What would your murder weapon be?
A hammer.
Hey, Moss.
"Would you like to go
for dinner with me?"
"And then maybe back to my place?"
I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually
helping Roy at the moment.
No. No, no, no.
Who does this remind you of, yeah?
"Do you wanna go on a date with me?"
Gandhi?
No, no, the other one. Bono.
No, no, I was doing Roy.
Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.
Come on.
Get your money ready. 20 pounds.
Hey! Hello.
It's security.
I hope I'm not in any danger.
Oh my God!
It's not shit!
On my head, it's not shit!
It's chocolate spread.
- Taste it!
- No!
Look!
Look!
Ringo Starr?
I'll be wondering about that all night!
How do you know about this site?
I'm a member.
Really?
You do the whole lonely hearts thing?
I'm a 32-year-old IT man
who works in a basement.
Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't...
excrement, it was chocolate.
I was playing a joke. It was chocolate.
Jen, it's okay, I've got it.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, what are you doing tonight?
- I've got a response!
- That was quick!
Yeah,
why is it taking so long to download?
Something happened
with the router this morning.
We're back to pre-broadband speed.
Dear...
But we're on the phone now.
Why can't you just ask me now?
Can't Jen, trust me.
Why should I trust you?
Because I know what's good for you.
Listen, you have to be home between
8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home?
Okay, this sounds exciting.
It might not happen, okay?
But hopefully it will.
Now I don't know
if this is exciting or not...
Jen... Jen, it's exciting!
"...would be very interested in
meeting up and talking it over."
"Love, Rebecca."
Oh my God! What did we write again?
It started with "shut up".
There's more.
"I attached a photograph
for your approval...
"or not!" Exclamation mark.
All right, let's have a look at you,
you mad thing.
Nice hair so far.
- Eyebrows seem normal.
- Two eyes.
That's the best amount of eyes.
Nice eyes too.
It has to go around.
She must have a shite nose.
Do you remember the Internet
at this speed?
Up all night and you'd see 8 women.
- Good nose.
- That is a good nose.
The mouth has to be wrong. There's gotta
be something wrong with her mouth.
Now that's a good looking woman.
Should I tell Jen we got a reply?
Roy?
Roy?
Roy!
Roy!
Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.
Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Chris Tarrant, hello!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Jen the next voice you hear
is gonna be Daniel's...
- Daniel's, Ok.
- But before I put you on with him,
he's asked me to ask you a question.
Okay, you can ask me a question.
Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out
for dinner with him tomorrow night.
Oh really? Yes!
Yes, of course, I will!
Of course! Oh yes! Yes!
Yes, of course!
Yes, that's great, Jen.
Now let me fill you in
on what's happening.
Daniel's doing very well although
he has just used his 50/50.
Now, here's Daniel.
Daniel, you got 30 seconds.
Starting from... now!
- Okay, Jen.
- Hi, Daniel.
Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, uh, okay...
who composed The Wooden Prince?
Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin ?
Did you see
"I'm a Millionaire" last night?
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
it's called. No, I didn't.
Well, you are not going to
Adam and beliEVE this.
Okay, do these make me
look like a bastard?
Why do you wanna look like a bastard?
I've got that date tonight,
she's expecting a monster.
Do these me make look like a bastard?
They make you look like an idiot.
- Anyway, did you see it?
- What?
"Do you want to be a Millionaire?"
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
"Who wants to be a person who is wrong?"
What's happened?
- If I may...
- Sure.
Guess who was on it last night!
- You!
- No, Daniel.
- King of men.
- Daniel was on "Millionaire"?
Indeed he was, sir.
And it was the
"Do you want to phone a friend"...
- It's just "Phone a friend".
- Anyway.
She was the "phone a friend"?
- She was the "phone a friend".
- You're the "phone a friend"!
What was the subject?
Classical music is the extraordinary
answer to that question.
So who of course is Daniel, our estimed
temp security guard, going to phone
but Jonathan Miller over here.
Think Daniel was on Millionaire.
Too bad it wasn't 50/50.
It was.
- And?
- I got it wrong.
I cost 31,000 pounds.
It isn't funny though.
Now I have to go on a date with him.
Wow! The rules on that show
have really changed!
No, you don't understand.
He asked me out
on the show
before I got the question wrong.
It was all very romantic.
But now...
I don't think he likes me now.
And I don't wanna go out with
the biggest loser in England...
There you are!
Daniel...
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Gonna go for this meal then.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'm gonna take you to one
of my favourite restaurants.
Right.
I'll pay.
- It really is the least I can do.
- Oh yeah...
Oh my God!
Did you see that look?
I have a dinner date with that man.
If I'm not here tomorrow,
I want you to call the police.
Maybe not the best time to mention it,
but also you owe me 20 quids.
What? You got a response?
With the one that ended: "No dogs"?
Yep.
Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone!
Now the money that Daniel lost
wasn't really yours, was it?
It would have been
if I'd married him, Moss.
I need a good restaurant.
Maybe if he likes the food,
he won't beat me to death with a shoe.
I thought you said you'd take him
to one of your favourite restaurants.
Haven't you got it yet?
That's what I do:
I lie...
I lie and I lie and...
I lie!
Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
- Really?
- Yes. Why?
Sorry, I just didn't have you down
as a restaurant person.
I'm a restaurant person.
Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?
Cheese string?
No, thanks.
What's this place called?
Messijoes.
- Is that French?
- French? No, it's English.
Okay, thank you, Moss. Yeah, I'll uh...
I'll give that a go.
Okay, I need a place to bring this girl
that says: "I'm a bastard."
Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
It's got a bit of an edge.
Yeah? What's it called?
Messijoes.
What is that? Spanish?
No! Spanish? It's English. Messijoes.
Okey dokey,
you get the firecracker nachos.
And you are getting
the prawn bites with spicy salsa.
This seems an unusual place
for someone like you to want to meet.
Yeah but...
everyone needs a place to come
to be alone.
Look at me! Yeah! Look at me!
Get a clown over here, please!
You're a loner?
I'm a loner all right.
I'm just a...
lonely loner
on a lonely road.
Alone.
Do you always wear shades?
Always.
They help me hide the fact
I'm always lying
to women.
Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice
and everyone is friendly.
Lots of friendly faces
having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice
and everyone is friendly.
- Smile and the world will...
- Excuse me! Excuse me!
It's just... It's not... Sorry,
it's just not appropriate at the moment.
You're that bloke off the telly!
And you must be the woman he phoned!
Brilliant!
Funniest thing I've seen in ages.
God! I'm a bastard!
Yes. So you keep saying.
Trouble... It's basically what I am.
Thank you.
You know something?
I don't think you're a bastard at all.
I am so.
I am a complete tool.
Oh my God!
No don't, don't! Don't hit him!
I know her.
Hey! What's going on?
Stay out of this, Fonzy!
You're fighting in front of kids!
I don't care!
You're a brute!
This bloke just insulted me!
Hey! Bit more careful
with the clown shoe there, Mister.
Just hold your head back.
Oh God!
He caught me by surprise.
When I see him tomorrow...
- That was his last day.
- Thank God!
Oh my God, look!
If you're coming,
can you just bloody hurry up!
- I'm coming! I...
- God's sake!
I just need to take my shoes off.
They look like such fruits.
- I'll call you a cab.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
- Taxi!
- I'll get my bus.
Don't be stupid, it's cold. Taxi!
- Here.
- Oh God.
Here you can have your 20 back.
I don't really think the bet
proved anything. Taxi!
Thanks, Roy.
- I just want...
- Nice date!
Just a lonely loner
walking a lonely road.
Hi, girls.
My name is Maurice Moss.
Or Moss for short.
Sorry about the sound quality
but I'm having to do this
in the toilet of my mom's house.
She's watching
Diagnosis Murder at full volume.
And it drives me up the wall.
Don't worry, though. I'm sitting on
the toilet but I'm not using it.
What?
- Moss?
- Yes?
What you doing in there?
Number 2s, leave me alone!
Don't forget to flush the toilet.
Don't clog it up like you usually do.
I know! Just stop doing this!
You're always doing this!
You're making it going back in!
Now, my type...
0h24m29s / 25 fps version of the video
So... here we are!
Your place... your place...
La maison... de la femme...
El casa del signorita...
Das haus die Frau...
Good night!
I'll just walk you to the door.
- There's no need.
- That's okay.
So...
I guess this is "arrivederci".
I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.
A glass of water maybe.
Perhaps a little lie down.
Look...
I have to tell you something.
What?
I wanted to tell you
in the restaurant but...
it... a good time
never came up and I...
- I wasn't gonna say it but...
- Say it.
I have to.
What?
You've got shit on your head.
What?
There's some shit on your head.
What?
Where? Where?
It's been there forever.
Oh God! Oh God!
It's chocolate!
It's chocolate!
It's not shit!
It's not shit!
It's..
It's my dessert.
I don't know
how it got there but uh...
It's on my fingers.
It's not shit!
Thank God for that!
You know, I just spent the last hour
thinking you were some sort
of disgusting tramp.
Oh no!
That's funny!
- Oh God, look!
- What?
It's chocolate!
How about that cup of tea now?
I was a perfect gentleman last night
from beginning to end
but she can't see past
a little bit of shit on my forehead!
I thought you said it was chocolate.
Yes, chocolate, yes!
I meant chocolate.
I forgot to turn this thing on.
Hello, IT. .
Hi, uh, something's wrong
with my computer.
Have you tried
turning it off and on again?
Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.
You're welcome then.
It's typical.
The one time I manage
to bamboozle a girl in the building
into going out with me
and this happens.
She's gonna tell everyone!
Oh come on! She's a receptionist,
she'd hardly gossip.
Besides it's a boring story.
Yeah... that's boring.
It's boring, she won't tell anyone.
Hello.
Sorry guys.
She might have told Jen.
No, that's what I'm saying.
It wasn't. It was...
It was chocolate. It was chocolate.
I don't know...
I don't know... it...
it got on my fingers
and then I must have...
Listen...
how did you even hear
about this, mom?
Moss... Moss,
there's a spider in my office.
Could you deal with it?
I just hate spiders.
I'm not overly fond of them
myself there, Jen.
How...
How big is... Whoa! Hey now!
I'll tell you what.
I actually recommend
my good friend Roy there
as the go-to guy on anything
with more than 7 eyes.
He's on a very brief
personal call right now.
Come, Moss. Don't be silly.
You're right, I'm being silly.
Wrap it up, Roy!
It's just a spider. It's fine.
Oh look! It seems to have left
of its own volition.
Oh, be a man, Moss!
You're right, I'll be a man.
I'm a man.
Please don't shut the door.
I won't.
Goodbye, Jen.
That was my mother.
How did she hear about this?
Oh, was that the woman
who phoned earlier?
'Cause I've just been
telling everybody.
Why would you want to go out
with Patricia anyway?
I mean, her last boyfriend
was Simon from 3rd.
- Jen!
- Hey, you!
Hello there.
Have you caught it yet?
Not quite, Jen.
The spider's managed
to walk behind me.
And it's between me and the door.
So I can't get out.
Simon from 3rd
is the one with the hair.
Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.
He once ate
a copy of Loaded for a bet.
- She liked him?
- Apparently.
That explains everything!
She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy
who eats Loaders.
Hello, Daniel.
How are you?
I'm great, thanks. How are you?
I'm great.
Well, can either of you tell me...
Okay... Okay...
who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor?
Was it Mozart or Beethoven?
That was a certain Mr. Mozart,
I think you'll find.
Oh, right. Do you know a lot
about classical music?
- Petit pois.
- Oh, right.
Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?
Actually, no, you were right.
It was Mozart.
Well it's... It was...
Okay, so, let's try another one.
Okay. Here we are.
In what year did Mozart die?
- Was it 1780 or 1791?
- 1791.
Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!
God!
I hope he doesn't come in again!
- Jen!
- Yes!
Is Roy off the phone yet?
The spider is now upon my person.
You guys don't mind me
chilling out in here, do you?
No. Chill out!
So did you see the match last night?
- Oh yeah!
- Oh yeah!
- God!
- Did we?
What a match!
All of the players running up...
the pitch...
and running down it again.
Such athleticism!
What was Rooney thinking over there?
Who knows! That's Rooney!
He is a foolish boy!
Yeah but... that referee...
I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.
Yes, he was certainly
the villain of the piece.
Daniel, you're still here.
Yeah, just...
just having a little break.
Do you wanna come and join me?
Stop it!
Well, I'd better...
I'd better... hit this way.
Oh by the way, guys, if you need
any help with any more spiders,
just give me a call, okay?
Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.
Actually, do you have a card?
That is good. See you.
You like him!
Who?
Oh, that good looking man
with "Security"
written on his shoulders? Yes!
Yes, I do.
He seems really nice.
Nice!
'Cause that's what you women want!
Nice guys!
Hello, IT! .
What are you talking about, Roy?
If my date last night proved anything,
it's that you, ladies,
you don't want nice guys.
I think if your date proved anything,
Roy,
it's that women like men
without poo on their foreheads.
That's our type.
That has nothing to do with this.
She clearly just didn't want
a gentleman in her life.
I hate to generalize, you know that.
But all women just want bastards.
That women liking bastards thing
is a total myth.
I've tried turning it off and on again
and nothing happened.
Is it definitely plugged in?
Oh, let me have a look.
Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.
You're welcome then.
It's just not true.
Women don't want gentlemen.
They want bullies and thugs.
I'll prove it to you.
How will you prove it to me, Roy?
Oh! Okay.
I'll put a...
I'll put on a classified ad online.
A classified?
Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing
but I'll make it sound psychotic.
And I still bet
I'll get a bezillion replies.
Oh, dear God.
Come on. How much?
Okay. Yeah, I'll give you
20 quid if you get 1 response.
You're on!
Oh my God, no!
It's all about body fluids
with you, isn't it?
Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.
Work?
Yeah, we need to post
a classified lonely hearts ad online
that makes me sound like a psycho
so that I can prove to Jen
that all women love bastards
and therefore win 20 pounds.
Thank God!
I thought that thing was broken.
"Shut up! Do what I tell you!
I'm not interested!"
These are just some of the things
you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.
"I'm an idiot and
I don't care about anyone but myself."
"PS: No dogs."
- That's good.
- What's yours?
Mine doesn't look any good now.
Go on.
"I'm going to murder you."
"You bloody woman!"
Might want to play a bit hard to get.
If you were a murderer,
what would your nickname be?
Mine would be "The Gardener",
'cause I'd always leave a rose
at the scene of the crime.
What would your murder weapon be?
A hammer.
Hey, Moss.
"Would you like to go
for dinner with me?"
"And then maybe back to my place?"
I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually
helping Roy at the moment.
No. No, no, no.
Who does this remind you of, yeah?
"Do you wanna go on a date with me?"
Gandhi?
No, no, the other one. Bono.
No, no, I was doing Roy.
Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.
Come on.
Get your money ready. 20 pounds.
Hey! Hello.
It's security.
I hope I'm not in any danger.
Oh my God!
It's not shit!
On my head, it's not shit!
It's chocolate spread.
- Taste it!
- No!
Look!
Look!
Ringo Starr?
I'll be wondering about that all night!
How do you know about this site?
I'm a member.
Really?
You do the whole lonely hearts thing?
I'm a 32-year-old IT man
who works in a basement.
Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't...
excrement, it was chocolate.
I was playing a joke. It was chocolate.
Jen, it's okay, I've got it.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, what are you doing tonight?
- I've got a response!
- That was quick!
Yeah,
why is it taking so long to download?
Something happened
with the router this morning.
We're back to pre-broadband speed.
Dear...
But we're on the phone now.
Why can't you just ask me now?
Can't Jen, trust me.
Why should I trust you?
Because I know what's good for you.
Listen, you have to be home between
8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home?
Okay, this sounds exciting.
It might not happen, okay?
But hopefully it will.
Now I don't know
if this is exciting or not...
Jen... Jen, it's exciting!
"...would be very interested in
meeting up and talking it over."
"Love, Rebecca."
Oh my God! What did we write again?
It started with "shut up".
There's more.
"I attached a photograph
for your approval...
"or not!" Exclamation mark.
All right, let's have a look at you,
you mad thing.
Nice hair so far.
- Eyebrows seem normal.
- Two eyes.
That's the best amount of eyes.
Nice eyes too.
It has to go around.
She must have a shite nose.
Do you remember the Internet
at this speed?
Up all night and you'd see 8 women.
- Good nose.
- That is a good nose.
The mouth has to be wrong. There's gotta
be something wrong with her mouth.
Now that's a good looking woman.
Should I tell Jen we got a reply?
Roy?
Roy?
Roy!
Roy!
Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.
Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Chris Tarrant, hello!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Jen the next voice you hear
is gonna be Daniel's...
- Daniel's, Ok.
- But before I put you on with him,
he's asked me to ask you a question.
Okay, you can ask me a question.
Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out
for dinner with him tomorrow night.
Oh really? Yes!
Yes, of course, I will!
Of course! Oh yes! Yes!
Yes, of course!
Yes, that's great, Jen.
Now let me fill you in
on what's happening.
Daniel's doing very well although
he has just used his 50/50.
Now, here's Daniel.
Daniel, you got 30 seconds.
Starting from... now!
- Okay, Jen.
- Hi, Daniel.
Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, uh, okay...
who composed The Wooden Prince?
Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin ?
Did you see
"I'm a Millionaire" last night?
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
it's called. No, I didn't.
Well, you are not going to
Adam and beliEVE this.
Okay, do these make me
look like a bastard?
Why do you wanna look like a bastard?
I've got that date tonight,
she's expecting a monster.
Do these me make look like a bastard?
They make you look like an idiot.
- Anyway, did you see it?
- What?
"Do you want to be a Millionaire?"
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
"Who wants to be a person who is wrong?"
What's happened?
- If I may...
- Sure.
Guess who was on it last night!
- You!
- No, Daniel.
- King of men.
- Daniel was on "Millionaire"?
Indeed he was, sir.
And it was the
"Do you want to phone a friend"...
- It's just "Phone a friend".
- Anyway.
She was the "phone a friend"?
- She was the "phone a friend".
- You're the "phone a friend"!
What was the subject?
Classical music is the extraordinary
answer to that question.
So who of course is Daniel, our estimed
temp security guard, going to phone
but Jonathan Miller over here.
Think Daniel was on Millionaire.
Too bad it wasn't 50/50.
It was.
- And?
- I got it wrong.
I cost 31,000 pounds.
It isn't funny though.
Now I have to go on a date with him.
Wow! The rules on that show
have really changed!
No, you don't understand.
He asked me out
on the show
before I got the question wrong.
It was all very romantic.
But now...
I don't think he likes me now.
And I don't wanna go out with
the biggest loser in England...
There you are!
Daniel...
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Gonna go for this meal then.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'm gonna take you to one
of my favourite restaurants.
Right.
I'll pay.
- It really is the least I can do.
- Oh yeah...
Oh my God!
Did you see that look?
I have a dinner date with that man.
If I'm not here tomorrow,
I want you to call the police.
Maybe not the best time to mention it,
but also you owe me 20 quids.
What? You got a response?
With the one that ended: "No dogs"?
Yep.
Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone!
Now the money that Daniel lost
wasn't really yours, was it?
It would have been
if I'd married him, Moss.
I need a good restaurant.
Maybe if he likes the food,
he won't beat me to death with a shoe.
I thought you said you'd take him
to one of your favourite restaurants.
Haven't you got it yet?
That's what I do:
I lie...
I lie and I lie and...
I lie!
Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
- Really?
- Yes. Why?
Sorry, I just didn't have you down
as a restaurant person.
I'm a restaurant person.
Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?
Cheese string?
No, thanks.
What's this place called?
Messijoes.
- Is that French?
- French? No, it's English.
Okay, thank you, Moss. Yeah, I'll uh...
I'll give that a go.
Okay, I need a place to bring this girl
that says: "I'm a bastard."
Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
It's got a bit of an edge.
Yeah? What's it called?
Messijoes.
What is that? Spanish?
No! Spanish? It's English. Messijoes.
Okey dokey,
you get the firecracker nachos.
And you are getting
the prawn bites with spicy salsa.
This seems an unusual place
for someone like you to want to meet.
Yeah but...
everyone needs a place to come
to be alone.
Look at me! Yeah! Look at me!
Get a clown over here, please!
You're a loner?
I'm a loner all right.
I'm just a...
lonely loner
on a lonely road.
Alone.
Do you always wear shades?
Always.
They help me hide the fact
I'm always lying
to women.
Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice
and everyone is friendly.
Lots of friendly faces
having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice
and everyone is friendly.
- Smile and the world will...
- Excuse me! Excuse me!
It's just... It's not... Sorry,
it's just not appropriate at the moment.
You're that bloke off the telly!
And you must be the woman he phoned!
Brilliant!
Funniest thing I've seen in ages.
God! I'm a bastard!
Yes. So you keep saying.
Trouble... It's basically what I am.
Thank you.
You know something?
I don't think you're a bastard at all.
I am so.
I am a complete tool.
Oh my God!
No don't, don't! Don't hit him!
I know her.
Hey! What's going on?
Stay out of this, Fonzy!
You're fighting in front of kids!
I don't care!
You're a brute!
This bloke just insulted me!
Hey! Bit more careful
with the clown shoe there, Mister.
Just hold your head back.
Oh God!
He caught me by surprise.
When I see him tomorrow...
- That was his last day.
- Thank God!
Oh my God, look!
If you're coming,
can you just bloody hurry up!
- I'm coming! I...
- God's sake!
I just need to take my shoes off.
They look like such fruits.
- I'll call you a cab.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
- Taxi!
- I'll get my bus.
Don't be stupid, it's cold. Taxi!
- Here.
- Oh God.
Here you can have your 20 back.
I don't really think the bet
proved anything. Taxi!
Thanks, Roy.
- I just want...
- Nice date!
Just a lonely loner
walking a lonely road.
Hi, girls.
My name is Maurice Moss.
Or Moss for short.
Sorry about the sound quality
but I'm having to do this
in the toilet of my mom's house.
She's watching
Diagnosis Murder at full volume.
And it drives me up the wall.
Don't worry, though. I'm sitting on
the toilet but I'm not using it.
What?
- Moss?
- Yes?
What you doing in there?
Number 2s, leave me alone!
Don't forget to flush the toilet.
Don't clog it up like you usually do.
I know! Just stop doing this!
You're always doing this!
You're making it going back in!
Now, my type...