The Horror of Dolores Roach (2023): Season 1, Episode 2 - This Building's Gonna Be the Death of Me - full transcript
Dolores and her Magic Hands go into business.
Days, I've been
down here in this basement,
like hibernating.
'Cause the world out there's
not safe.
That's where my life
got fucked apart.
Of course, I didn't know it yet,
but in less than a week,
this basement's gonna be
the most dangerous place
in Washington Heights.
- Luis?
- Hey-hey-hey, it's alive.
Water's out again.
- Again?
- Seriously?
Yes. Yes, again.
- Yeah?
- Gideon Pearlman, Luis Batista.
I know my rights,
you piece of shit.
It was illegal when you fucked
with my garbage collection,
and it's illegal when you fuck
with my water.
You want to come see me?
You come see me right here,
mano a mano, all right?
- Because this shit is unacceptable!
- Hey, your days
are numbered, buddy. You got...
Damn, Luis, how much money
do you owe this guy?
Yeah, he was just
making a point, you know?
We're squatting here.
Don't worry about money.
I called someone
I want you to meet.
She might have a job for you.
- There she is.
- Hello, gorgeous.
Joy. You got to meet Dolores.
Okay, but first I have
an empanada emergency.
I need a guava and cheese
for my blood sugar.
You want to try
one of my persimmon
and gouda empanadas
instead? It's new.
Oh, I'm a creature of habit.
Oh, you sure?
It's goo-da. Gouda.
This guy kills me.
Oh, Dolores,
I've heard so much about you.
Joy has owned
the laundromat down the block
- for, um, how many years?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Nine years at this location.
- Oh, yeah? Nine? Wow.
And my half sister,
at Uptown Lucky Nail
on Broadway,
she's been there 14 years.
Lucky Nails?
Is that like a salon?
Yes, we're both business owners,
completely self-made.
- What kind of salon?
- Oh, you know,
nails, facials,
waxing, massages,
- that kind of thing.
- Does she need extra hands?
Like, literally,
extra hands? I...
Joy, she is the best
masseuse that I ever...
I couldn't even turn my head
before she got here.
- Oh, really? - You know
how much tension I got in my neck?
I should introduce
you to Bridget.
- I'd love that.
- She's a total bitch,
but you could learn a lot.
It's not her fault.
I got all the love
growing up, obviously.
I would love that.
Thank you so much.
When-when can we do that?
No time like the present.
Yeah, today.
Right now. No, right now.
- Ahora mismo. Let's go.
- No... Like this?
I don't know, I don't know.
No, look at the way I look, man.
I look crazy right now.
- Go have fun, enjoy yourself...
- Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
- Don't push me, man.
- Come on.
Hold on.
Let me, um, let me just get...
- Okay. All right. Yeah.
- Just do us a favor, okay?
Don't mention your whole,
you know, history to Bridget.
She's got a real
stick up her ass.
Like "two bowel movements
a month" kind of uptight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, that's good, that's good.
- Okay.
- Whew.
We pay our masseuses 12 an hour.
Bullshit.
- Shut up, Joy.
- No, you don't.
Go back to your laundry joint
and wash dirty socks.
You pay your masseuses
15 an hour.
How many years
experience you got?
Sixteen.
Fine, 14 an hour.
You bring your own table.
We're above board here.
No peek-a-boos or
hand jobs, got me?
What in God's name
is a peek-a-boo?
I know you.
Well, welcome back.
Marcie Lugo.
You don't remember me?
No.
That's all right,
you were hot shit around here.
I was more like a...
a nobody. Back then.
Oh, well, good to
see you again, Marcie.
Must've been bad in prison, huh?
Fucking cunt.
I mean,
who goes away for, like,
15 years for possession?
Possession with
intent and assaulting a cop.
Well, welcome back.
And good luck.
What? She's great.
You said so.
I said she was good.
Oh, you were moaning
like a cat in heat,
and that hasn't happened
in your entire miserable,
sexless existence.
Listen, ma'am, I will wash
your floors until they shine.
I will do whatever
it is that you need.
I just want an opportunity...
Sorry, we're not hiring today.
Fuck you, Bridget.
- No, fuck you, Joy.
- I cannot fucking believe that...
What? You bring a person
like that into my...
- What do you mean?!
- I don't want some...
What was I
even fucking thinking?
No decent salon's gonna hire me.
Only things on my résumé
are three semesters of college
and a month working
the Froyo machine
at Tasti D in '97.
Dolores.
This bitch.
- Let's walk.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Cunt face.
I got to apologize.
I got a lot of friends
who served time.
There's no shame in it.
It's always hard
finding a new gig
when you've been
out of the game for so long.
So, if you
are looking for a job,
I got a couple of openings.
And, again, I'm really sorry
about what happened...
Did you do that shit
on purpose back there
so you could offer me
half of what she did?
No, I pay twice as much.
And I need a new salesman.
Saleswoman.
Sales.
What you selling?
Cannabis only.
None of that hard shit.
I got a strong business
selling dime bags
to the local kids,
but I could use a chick
to help me with the new
white moms around here.
They buy it for sleep.
I even print, like,
cute logo stickers
to help me stay competitive.
Check it.
A decade and a half
of my life gone
while you were
branding yourself.
Whole different world
from when I first
took over Dominic's business.
You know where he's at?
Dominic? Nah, nobody does.
Feds probably got him.
Jesus. Really?
Everybody had a theory at first.
He's in fucking D.R.,
he got collared in Miami,
he's selling goddamn Avon.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
I heard that shit, too,
but... you know anybody
who knows where to find him?
Man, fuck that guy.
It's time to get yours.
Nah, man, I'm good.
I'm not doing that shit anymore,
but thank you for the offer.
I know your boy Luis
doesn't like to buy
from me anymore.
But when you change your mind,
I'll still be here.
Is that
gonna be my only option?
Right back to selling weed?
Welcome to Empanada Loca.
We got a special going on, three for fi...
Yeah, hello. Hi. Me again.
It's no shade,
but you look like shit.
Oh, really?
Well, um,
I have no money,
no job prospects,
and a bed that your
boss's dad died in,
so I'm pretty sure I know
I look like shit, thank you
- very much.
- Okay. Sorry.
Look, I think I'm probably not
going anywhere for a minute,
so you and me might as well
pretend to like each other.
I don't not like you.
You remind me of my mom.
Fuck. What? Oh, my God.
That's how old
I got in there.
No, she just did,
like, five bids and she's
always had a rough time
with coming back,
but she figured it out.
Where's she at now?
- Not the point.
- She's back inside, isn't she?
No, that kind of thinking
is negative and it's
not gonna help you.
But I am.
You need to figure out
what you want,
write that shit down
and make a fucking plan.
And work on it every single day.
Where'd you hear
that shit from... Oprah?
You know what you need?
A vision board.
A what? Uh, no, I don't want...
I-I need a job.
It's called manifestation, girl.
Watch the shop,
I'll be right back.
♪ Naughty or nice,
baby, roll the dice...
Hudson is where
I did my three semesters.
Bitch.
It's giving fully formed.
All right, all right.
Mine's just a collage
of acceptable baby daddies.
You got big dreams.
Ladies.
Whoa, what's this?
Aren't you on the clock?
- D's vision board.
- A vision board.
All right,
long as it's for Dolores.
That's her
giving massages
to pay for her college degree
in marine biology
and buying a home in Hackensack.
- Hoboken.
- Same thing.
Hey, how'd it go
with Joy's sister?
Oh, forget about it.
She found out I was
in prison, so, you know.
Back to square one.
Yo, Nellie, you got
an extra piece of gum?
You're gonna do it here, D.
What if somebody sees that?
- Duh. That's the point. Business 101.
- Yeah, but
- I don't even have a license.
- No, ain't nobody give a shit about no license.
You in New York, mami.
All they care about is that
you're 20 bucks cheaper
than Bridget's place.
Oh, I got to take this.
Uh, Nellie, I got you
- for the rest of the day, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, knock-knock?
Hello? Uh, hi?
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
Hey, yeah, Nellie said
it was $20 for a half hour?
You the-the one that just
moved into the third floor?
- Yeah, Caleb.
- Yeah, yeah, Nellie told me about you. Yeah.
- Yeah, Caleb Sweetzer.
- Caleb S... I'm sorry, what?
Sweetzer.
S-W double-E T-Z-E-R. Sweetzer.
Caleb Sweetzer.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Dolores Roach. R-O-A-C-H.
Roach?
It used to be Rocha,
but my dad changed it
to caucasianize himself,
you know.
- Poor schmuck.
- Oh.
Yeah, well, that
totally resonates with me.
Uh, yeah. Okay, so...
Why don't you f-follow me?
- Is that just...
- Yes, yes, come on.
- In there? Okay.
- Right in here. Uh-huh, yeah.
All right.
Have a seat.
Just... on the bed?
Yeah, because,
uh, you know what?
My, um, the table's in the shop,
so I'm just using
the bed just for today.
But, you know,
it's surprisingly firm,
and the sheets are... clean.
What the hell. Sure.
Sure.
Also, if you would like
to undress to the level
of your comfort.
- Oh, yes.
- No, but you don't have to, okay?
'Cause it's not like...
it's not like a requirement.
Uh, well, you're gonna need
my back, right?
Right, exactly. Yes.
You're also
gonna knead my back, too.
You get it? Lol.
- Oh, God.
- Wha... Is someone else here?
No, no, no, no. Nobody's here.
I just, uh...
It's just, uh...
these...
old New York pipes, right?
Okay, yeah.
So, um... Okay, that's good.
I'm just gonna...
All righty.
Okay. You got any allergies?
Uh, just penicillin.
Okay, well, that's not in this.
Is that okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It's okay.
Okay.
It's just
so nice to be touched.
The guys on the apps
in this part of town
are so sketch.
I mean, how are you supposed
to have safe bondage play
with a guy you already
know is gonna rob you?
I should have run the second
that the landlord offered me
two free months' rent.
He was pretty desperate
to get me into
this godforsaken place.
Feel free to put me
out of my misery.
Tempting.
- Hmm?
- Just shh, relax.
Okay, and this is for you.
Wow. Oh, no,
this is more than I charge.
Yeah, it's a tip.
Take it, silly. See you around.
I never felt prouder
of a penny I earned
in my whole goddamn life.
And then that whole week...
Caleb Sweetzer
says you're amazing.
...people actually
start coming down.
Folks are talking me up
and I even got,
like, a dozen people
who call themselves clients.
It's like that
manifestation shit is real.
And I keep trying
to give Luis cash
to get the landlord
to stop harassing us,
but he won't take it.
So I'm keeping it ready for
when the shit hits the fan,
which I know it will
any day now.
But for a brief,
shining moment,
I'm starting to feel
pretty optimistic.
No, I feel fucking triumphant.
It's like a little spa in here.
I know, right?
I can't believe
your grandma just had
all this stuff lying around.
The woman sees a deal on QVC,
and she buys that shit
in every size,
shape and color.
She do too much.
Damn, she must
have money to spend, then.
No, she just keeps opening
new cards from Russell Simmons
and some woman named Suze Orman.
Anyways, I can't make her stop
'cause shopping's all
that brings her joy anymore.
Oh, I don't want to
take stuff from your grandma
- that makes her happy.
- No,
it's the buying
that makes her happy.
She won't even know
any of this shit's missing.
Wow.
Thank you, Nellie. Thank you.
Can I pay you back?
Like, with a little massage?
On this death bed?
Nah, bitch, you tried it.
- Uh, I'm really good.
- You know what happens
when somebody's kidneys
shut down, right?
No.
I kept telling Luis to get
his dad adult diapers,
but what do I know?
I've only been taking care
of my grandma since I'm 12.
Damn, he left that part out.
You've got all these people
coming down here now.
You need to be legit.
Make a fucking plan and
work on it every single day.
- Isn't that what I'm doing?
- No.
You need a real massage table.
Uh, oh... Those are,
like, expensive, girl.
Well, you got to
spend coin to make coin.
Invest in yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
You need some help
getting that inside?
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
I'm Dolores, by the way.
- Jeremiah.
- It's good to know you.
You, too.
Ah!
Got sheets.
You all right, Jeremiah?
Yeah.
I just haven't been down
here since Ariel passed.
- Mr. Batista.
- Oh.
- You knew Luis' dad?
- Yeah.
You, um...
You deliver
the exact same supplies
to the exact same location
for a few decades,
you live a lot of life
with a person.
Let me help you with that.
Oh, God.
- Ta-da. Oh, there you go.
- Oh, look at that.
Let's tighten these up.
Let's, um,
let's put it this way
in the room.
- Like this?
- Yeah, like this.
All right.
- Oh, my God.
- Bam!
Oh, it's so nice.
She's beautiful,
and all paid for
with these magic hands.
Oh, um...
Thank you so much.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, come on, please.
- No, keep it. I...
got a feeling
that you gonna be
needing it sometime soon.
What do you mean?
Before he died, Ariel...
He asked me
to keep an eye on his son.
The son who's in his 30s?
Yeah, the son
who spends all his time
trying to make empanadas
that taste like sashimi,
as opposed to
realizing that this place
is devolving into...
I make the same delivery
every day.
And more and more of that food
is in the dumpster every night.
Can't go on much longer.
Wait, hold-hold on, Jeremiah.
I mean, is-is there
anything I can do?
Just keep your eyes open.
I'm not saying there's
something wrong with the kid,
but... I'm not
saying there ain't.
I don't know if I understand what...
- You are in my place of business.
- I will call the cops so fast,
- you'll wish it was the health department.
- Okay? I'm just here
- trying to life my life, dude.
- This is my place of business.
I'm just trying
to live my life, man.
I have the right
to enter my own property.
And I got rights, too.
And I got proof, bro.
I got proof of you harassing me.
Harassing? I just spent
two hours on a train
to come out here and talk
to you mano a mano,
like you asked, all right?
That's not harassment,
that's making an effort.
Now put the knife down,
for God's sake.
Okay, I will oblige.
It is down. Fuckin' need it
anyway, all right?
Let me be clear
with you. You have two options:
either you commit to the buyout
- or you make some sort of minimum payment
- You may do...
on your back rent by
the end of business Friday,
or I'll serve you eviction
papers Monday morning.
- Eviction papers, wow!
- It's been three months of this shit.
- I'm done with it.
- Well, you know what?
- I'm not done with it, bro. Fuck you, okay?
- Oh...
- Fuck you right in your ass.
- Fuck me?
- You're harassing me.
- You haven't paid a cent.
- Right in the fuckin' ass.
- And you've been
nothing but hostile
and threatening
since the day I came out here
to introduce myself.
And you're on drugs and now, I guess,
- you got a hooker working here.
Is that you? - No. No, no. Hey...
- I'm sorry, a sex worker? A sex worker.
- No, no, I'm sorry, excuse me.
- I'm... I'm a masseuse, sir.
- This woman right here is the best goddamn masseuse
- in the tristate area.
- Stop, let me talk to him.
- It's all right. - I don't care
what you do with your body, sweetheart,
but you're running
an illegal business
out of an
illegally-occupied unit.
- She not going nowhere, either, bro.
- No, no, no, no.
- Here he comes to save the day.
- It's okay, I got it, I got it.
Cálmate, I got it,
I got it, bro.
You know what, she is
my fucking family, all right?
Okay? And my family
has been in this very spot
- for over 35 years.
- Oh, really?
And you know what, for 35 years,
this area
has been nothing but cheap
and dangerous and dirty.
My predecessor may have
liked it that way,
but I have a mandate
to bring in some people
with a higher
standard of living.
- Oh, wow!
- I have a responsibility to those people.
Who are those people,
the white people? The gringos?
You know what? This has nothing
whatsoever to do with race.
- Do you hear yourself?
- Why don't you school me, then?
- School me, Mr. Rainbow Coalition.
Go ahead. - I will, I will.
- Go ahead, school me, bro.
- All right.
Yesterday, I rented
to a Black couple,
and I got to be honest...
- little racist.
- Wow!
You, you don't think
- minorities can pay their rent.
- This fucking guy.
That makes you racist, too.
Do you even
hear yourself, huh?
I do. I'll see you in court.
Make sure you get
good and doped up, amigo.
Okay,
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no. My turn. My turn.
I-I have cash.
- You have that much cash?
- Yes, I got... I got paid in cash.
Well, yeah, of course you do.
Okay, fine. Where is it?
Let me go downstairs,
let me get it for you.
- I'll go.
- No, no, you don't have to come with me.
I'm not gonna count money
out in the open
in this neighborhood.
No, no. Come on. Yeah.
Stay here,
watch the shop.
It's all good. Uh, I don't...
I'm sorry, what's your name?
I don't even know your name.
- Pearlman.
- Yeah, Mr.- Mr. Pearlman, come on, let's...
let's go downstairs. Come on.
You know,
we're just gonna, like,
wipe our slate clean, all right?
Tabula rasa.
- Ow!
- Oh, God!
- Ow! Ow.
- Are you okay?
- God!
- Oh...
I guess we should
really get those
old stairs looked at, huh?
Yeah.
This building's gonna be
the death of me.
Here we go.
Right in here, Mr. Pearlman.
- Huh.
- Oh.
So...
you really do massage people.
That's a nice purple.
Thank you. Brand-new.
Just arrived today. Here you go.
I'm gonna need you
to count that out.
All right, yeah, sure.
You know, I've never
really gotten a massage.
Not a real one. I mean,
I, you know, I used to...
My ex-wife used to try,
but, you know, just not...
not like a real one.
Not like a professional, like...
I-I don't want to call you
a professional,
'cause you're running
an illegal business.
You know I'm the best, right?
What?
They don't call me
Magic Hands for no reason.
Oh. I don't doubt it.
All right.
541 for now, Mr. Pearlman.
541?
Yeah.
What... what's
the point of this?
Well, like a... down payment.
I mean, what's the rent
supposed to be now, anyway?
It's eight upstairs
and three down here.
- Okay, so 1,100, I gave you...
- No, thousand.
Thousand, sweetheart.
- 11,000?
- That's right.
A month? For this... this place?
I mean,
we used to pay 650
for a two-bedroom
- around the corner.
- When was that, 20 years ago?
It was around 20 years ago.
Okay, so I miscalculated
the inflation, all right?
But I know we can work this out.
So why don't we just...
call this a stay of execution?
How about that?
- Right, Mr. Pearlman? Please, Mr. Pearlman.
- All right.
All right.
This buys you a week.
All right? Just 'cause
I have a soft spot
for people like you.
- Thank you.
- But after that,
- I'm not gonna be so kind.
- I understand. I get it.
- And I'll tell, uh,
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Cheech up there
- Sorry about that.
that I'll, uh, be back in a week
- with the contractor.
- Okay.
There's no way I can find
that kind of money in a week.
If I had any other options...
- Thank you. No, wow.
- Oh, ah, hey, don't embarrass yourself.
It's just that
your shoulder's like a rock.
Well, yeah, I'm going
to the gym a little bit.
- My ex-wife's gone...
- No, no, it's not, it's not muscle, it's tension.
- Ow! Ow.
- Do you mind?
- You have, like, a really big knot
- Okay, ow.
- right there. You feel that?
- Yeah, yeah. Ay.
Yeah, yes. I-I've been
feeling it for weeks.
I can't really
turn my neck around.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you lie down?
I-I'm telling you,
it would be an honor
to have you as my first
on my brand-new table.
- What, you're gonna give me a massage?
- Listen, if I had bread,
I'd break it with you,
but what I do
is a whole lot more nourishing.
I'm serious. I promise you.
I promise you.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, uh, so...
why don't you undress
to the level of your comfort,
and I'm gonna get
some things started for us.
- What is that, incense?
- No, no, it's a candle.
- It just smells like coconut.
- Oh. Okay.
Oof.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
All set.
Um...
You're gonna have to turn around
so that I can get your back.
- My back?
- Yeah, that's where the knot is.
You-you can't turn your neck.
It's a...
Oh. Yeah, all right.
Motherfucker thinks
he's here to get a hand job.
Okay. Okay.
Just so you're
a little more comfortable,
I'm gonna take these off.
Okay, Mr. Pearlman.
You know... Hey, you know what?
Before-before we
do anything, can I...
I want you to know
I have nothing against you
or your husband personally.
I mean, my grandparents
were immigrants.
I'm a working-class guy,
my whole family.
All right? I'm not some sort of
rich real estate monster.
I'm not a-a slumlord, you know?
- Okay.
- I don't know,
what I resent about this whole
social justice business
is they ignore a critical fact
about human nature,
like the physiological
need to win.
It's not... it's not...
it's not racism.
All right? It's not classism,
it's not, uh,
you know, capitalism.
It's-it's... it's really just...
it's just Darwinism.
And if you want to survive,
you got to pay your rent
like civilized adults.
It's not my fault
you can't figure it out.
You don't have to ex...
explain yourself to me,
Mr. Pearlman.
I feel bad, I do.
I mean, it's just...
...just a burden of-of
my line of work, you know?
But you're a smart girl. I mean,
you know, you're not too old.
All your... Everything seems to
still be where
it's supposed to be.
I mean...
You'll land on your feet.
So, when am I gonna see
what these magic hands
can really do here, huh?
I mean, I don't want
to have to take back
that week I was
so kind to give you.
You wouldn't even have time
to pack before you have to
go back to wherever the hell
you came from.
In a week,
this motherfucker's
gonna come right back here
and I'm gonna have
nowhere left to go.
But here he is,
literally in my hands,
talking about not enough space,
Darwin and shit.
Like it's a dare.
What a fuckin' fool.
Got to break the C2
or the C1 to kill somebody.
That's what Tabitha taught me.
'Cause if you're gonna be alone
with half-naked motherfuckers,
you got to know
how to protect yourself.
The C2 or the C1.
I could do it if I had to.
Okay, you're being a fucking
tease. I don't have all...
What was that?
No turning back
from that.
down here in this basement,
like hibernating.
'Cause the world out there's
not safe.
That's where my life
got fucked apart.
Of course, I didn't know it yet,
but in less than a week,
this basement's gonna be
the most dangerous place
in Washington Heights.
- Luis?
- Hey-hey-hey, it's alive.
Water's out again.
- Again?
- Seriously?
Yes. Yes, again.
- Yeah?
- Gideon Pearlman, Luis Batista.
I know my rights,
you piece of shit.
It was illegal when you fucked
with my garbage collection,
and it's illegal when you fuck
with my water.
You want to come see me?
You come see me right here,
mano a mano, all right?
- Because this shit is unacceptable!
- Hey, your days
are numbered, buddy. You got...
Damn, Luis, how much money
do you owe this guy?
Yeah, he was just
making a point, you know?
We're squatting here.
Don't worry about money.
I called someone
I want you to meet.
She might have a job for you.
- There she is.
- Hello, gorgeous.
Joy. You got to meet Dolores.
Okay, but first I have
an empanada emergency.
I need a guava and cheese
for my blood sugar.
You want to try
one of my persimmon
and gouda empanadas
instead? It's new.
Oh, I'm a creature of habit.
Oh, you sure?
It's goo-da. Gouda.
This guy kills me.
Oh, Dolores,
I've heard so much about you.
Joy has owned
the laundromat down the block
- for, um, how many years?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Nine years at this location.
- Oh, yeah? Nine? Wow.
And my half sister,
at Uptown Lucky Nail
on Broadway,
she's been there 14 years.
Lucky Nails?
Is that like a salon?
Yes, we're both business owners,
completely self-made.
- What kind of salon?
- Oh, you know,
nails, facials,
waxing, massages,
- that kind of thing.
- Does she need extra hands?
Like, literally,
extra hands? I...
Joy, she is the best
masseuse that I ever...
I couldn't even turn my head
before she got here.
- Oh, really? - You know
how much tension I got in my neck?
I should introduce
you to Bridget.
- I'd love that.
- She's a total bitch,
but you could learn a lot.
It's not her fault.
I got all the love
growing up, obviously.
I would love that.
Thank you so much.
When-when can we do that?
No time like the present.
Yeah, today.
Right now. No, right now.
- Ahora mismo. Let's go.
- No... Like this?
I don't know, I don't know.
No, look at the way I look, man.
I look crazy right now.
- Go have fun, enjoy yourself...
- Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
- Don't push me, man.
- Come on.
Hold on.
Let me, um, let me just get...
- Okay. All right. Yeah.
- Just do us a favor, okay?
Don't mention your whole,
you know, history to Bridget.
She's got a real
stick up her ass.
Like "two bowel movements
a month" kind of uptight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, that's good, that's good.
- Okay.
- Whew.
We pay our masseuses 12 an hour.
Bullshit.
- Shut up, Joy.
- No, you don't.
Go back to your laundry joint
and wash dirty socks.
You pay your masseuses
15 an hour.
How many years
experience you got?
Sixteen.
Fine, 14 an hour.
You bring your own table.
We're above board here.
No peek-a-boos or
hand jobs, got me?
What in God's name
is a peek-a-boo?
I know you.
Well, welcome back.
Marcie Lugo.
You don't remember me?
No.
That's all right,
you were hot shit around here.
I was more like a...
a nobody. Back then.
Oh, well, good to
see you again, Marcie.
Must've been bad in prison, huh?
Fucking cunt.
I mean,
who goes away for, like,
15 years for possession?
Possession with
intent and assaulting a cop.
Well, welcome back.
And good luck.
What? She's great.
You said so.
I said she was good.
Oh, you were moaning
like a cat in heat,
and that hasn't happened
in your entire miserable,
sexless existence.
Listen, ma'am, I will wash
your floors until they shine.
I will do whatever
it is that you need.
I just want an opportunity...
Sorry, we're not hiring today.
Fuck you, Bridget.
- No, fuck you, Joy.
- I cannot fucking believe that...
What? You bring a person
like that into my...
- What do you mean?!
- I don't want some...
What was I
even fucking thinking?
No decent salon's gonna hire me.
Only things on my résumé
are three semesters of college
and a month working
the Froyo machine
at Tasti D in '97.
Dolores.
This bitch.
- Let's walk.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Cunt face.
I got to apologize.
I got a lot of friends
who served time.
There's no shame in it.
It's always hard
finding a new gig
when you've been
out of the game for so long.
So, if you
are looking for a job,
I got a couple of openings.
And, again, I'm really sorry
about what happened...
Did you do that shit
on purpose back there
so you could offer me
half of what she did?
No, I pay twice as much.
And I need a new salesman.
Saleswoman.
Sales.
What you selling?
Cannabis only.
None of that hard shit.
I got a strong business
selling dime bags
to the local kids,
but I could use a chick
to help me with the new
white moms around here.
They buy it for sleep.
I even print, like,
cute logo stickers
to help me stay competitive.
Check it.
A decade and a half
of my life gone
while you were
branding yourself.
Whole different world
from when I first
took over Dominic's business.
You know where he's at?
Dominic? Nah, nobody does.
Feds probably got him.
Jesus. Really?
Everybody had a theory at first.
He's in fucking D.R.,
he got collared in Miami,
he's selling goddamn Avon.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
I heard that shit, too,
but... you know anybody
who knows where to find him?
Man, fuck that guy.
It's time to get yours.
Nah, man, I'm good.
I'm not doing that shit anymore,
but thank you for the offer.
I know your boy Luis
doesn't like to buy
from me anymore.
But when you change your mind,
I'll still be here.
Is that
gonna be my only option?
Right back to selling weed?
Welcome to Empanada Loca.
We got a special going on, three for fi...
Yeah, hello. Hi. Me again.
It's no shade,
but you look like shit.
Oh, really?
Well, um,
I have no money,
no job prospects,
and a bed that your
boss's dad died in,
so I'm pretty sure I know
I look like shit, thank you
- very much.
- Okay. Sorry.
Look, I think I'm probably not
going anywhere for a minute,
so you and me might as well
pretend to like each other.
I don't not like you.
You remind me of my mom.
Fuck. What? Oh, my God.
That's how old
I got in there.
No, she just did,
like, five bids and she's
always had a rough time
with coming back,
but she figured it out.
Where's she at now?
- Not the point.
- She's back inside, isn't she?
No, that kind of thinking
is negative and it's
not gonna help you.
But I am.
You need to figure out
what you want,
write that shit down
and make a fucking plan.
And work on it every single day.
Where'd you hear
that shit from... Oprah?
You know what you need?
A vision board.
A what? Uh, no, I don't want...
I-I need a job.
It's called manifestation, girl.
Watch the shop,
I'll be right back.
♪ Naughty or nice,
baby, roll the dice...
Hudson is where
I did my three semesters.
Bitch.
It's giving fully formed.
All right, all right.
Mine's just a collage
of acceptable baby daddies.
You got big dreams.
Ladies.
Whoa, what's this?
Aren't you on the clock?
- D's vision board.
- A vision board.
All right,
long as it's for Dolores.
That's her
giving massages
to pay for her college degree
in marine biology
and buying a home in Hackensack.
- Hoboken.
- Same thing.
Hey, how'd it go
with Joy's sister?
Oh, forget about it.
She found out I was
in prison, so, you know.
Back to square one.
Yo, Nellie, you got
an extra piece of gum?
You're gonna do it here, D.
What if somebody sees that?
- Duh. That's the point. Business 101.
- Yeah, but
- I don't even have a license.
- No, ain't nobody give a shit about no license.
You in New York, mami.
All they care about is that
you're 20 bucks cheaper
than Bridget's place.
Oh, I got to take this.
Uh, Nellie, I got you
- for the rest of the day, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, knock-knock?
Hello? Uh, hi?
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
Hey, yeah, Nellie said
it was $20 for a half hour?
You the-the one that just
moved into the third floor?
- Yeah, Caleb.
- Yeah, yeah, Nellie told me about you. Yeah.
- Yeah, Caleb Sweetzer.
- Caleb S... I'm sorry, what?
Sweetzer.
S-W double-E T-Z-E-R. Sweetzer.
Caleb Sweetzer.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Dolores Roach. R-O-A-C-H.
Roach?
It used to be Rocha,
but my dad changed it
to caucasianize himself,
you know.
- Poor schmuck.
- Oh.
Yeah, well, that
totally resonates with me.
Uh, yeah. Okay, so...
Why don't you f-follow me?
- Is that just...
- Yes, yes, come on.
- In there? Okay.
- Right in here. Uh-huh, yeah.
All right.
Have a seat.
Just... on the bed?
Yeah, because,
uh, you know what?
My, um, the table's in the shop,
so I'm just using
the bed just for today.
But, you know,
it's surprisingly firm,
and the sheets are... clean.
What the hell. Sure.
Sure.
Also, if you would like
to undress to the level
of your comfort.
- Oh, yes.
- No, but you don't have to, okay?
'Cause it's not like...
it's not like a requirement.
Uh, well, you're gonna need
my back, right?
Right, exactly. Yes.
You're also
gonna knead my back, too.
You get it? Lol.
- Oh, God.
- Wha... Is someone else here?
No, no, no, no. Nobody's here.
I just, uh...
It's just, uh...
these...
old New York pipes, right?
Okay, yeah.
So, um... Okay, that's good.
I'm just gonna...
All righty.
Okay. You got any allergies?
Uh, just penicillin.
Okay, well, that's not in this.
Is that okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It's okay.
Okay.
It's just
so nice to be touched.
The guys on the apps
in this part of town
are so sketch.
I mean, how are you supposed
to have safe bondage play
with a guy you already
know is gonna rob you?
I should have run the second
that the landlord offered me
two free months' rent.
He was pretty desperate
to get me into
this godforsaken place.
Feel free to put me
out of my misery.
Tempting.
- Hmm?
- Just shh, relax.
Okay, and this is for you.
Wow. Oh, no,
this is more than I charge.
Yeah, it's a tip.
Take it, silly. See you around.
I never felt prouder
of a penny I earned
in my whole goddamn life.
And then that whole week...
Caleb Sweetzer
says you're amazing.
...people actually
start coming down.
Folks are talking me up
and I even got,
like, a dozen people
who call themselves clients.
It's like that
manifestation shit is real.
And I keep trying
to give Luis cash
to get the landlord
to stop harassing us,
but he won't take it.
So I'm keeping it ready for
when the shit hits the fan,
which I know it will
any day now.
But for a brief,
shining moment,
I'm starting to feel
pretty optimistic.
No, I feel fucking triumphant.
It's like a little spa in here.
I know, right?
I can't believe
your grandma just had
all this stuff lying around.
The woman sees a deal on QVC,
and she buys that shit
in every size,
shape and color.
She do too much.
Damn, she must
have money to spend, then.
No, she just keeps opening
new cards from Russell Simmons
and some woman named Suze Orman.
Anyways, I can't make her stop
'cause shopping's all
that brings her joy anymore.
Oh, I don't want to
take stuff from your grandma
- that makes her happy.
- No,
it's the buying
that makes her happy.
She won't even know
any of this shit's missing.
Wow.
Thank you, Nellie. Thank you.
Can I pay you back?
Like, with a little massage?
On this death bed?
Nah, bitch, you tried it.
- Uh, I'm really good.
- You know what happens
when somebody's kidneys
shut down, right?
No.
I kept telling Luis to get
his dad adult diapers,
but what do I know?
I've only been taking care
of my grandma since I'm 12.
Damn, he left that part out.
You've got all these people
coming down here now.
You need to be legit.
Make a fucking plan and
work on it every single day.
- Isn't that what I'm doing?
- No.
You need a real massage table.
Uh, oh... Those are,
like, expensive, girl.
Well, you got to
spend coin to make coin.
Invest in yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
You need some help
getting that inside?
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
I'm Dolores, by the way.
- Jeremiah.
- It's good to know you.
You, too.
Ah!
Got sheets.
You all right, Jeremiah?
Yeah.
I just haven't been down
here since Ariel passed.
- Mr. Batista.
- Oh.
- You knew Luis' dad?
- Yeah.
You, um...
You deliver
the exact same supplies
to the exact same location
for a few decades,
you live a lot of life
with a person.
Let me help you with that.
Oh, God.
- Ta-da. Oh, there you go.
- Oh, look at that.
Let's tighten these up.
Let's, um,
let's put it this way
in the room.
- Like this?
- Yeah, like this.
All right.
- Oh, my God.
- Bam!
Oh, it's so nice.
She's beautiful,
and all paid for
with these magic hands.
Oh, um...
Thank you so much.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, come on, please.
- No, keep it. I...
got a feeling
that you gonna be
needing it sometime soon.
What do you mean?
Before he died, Ariel...
He asked me
to keep an eye on his son.
The son who's in his 30s?
Yeah, the son
who spends all his time
trying to make empanadas
that taste like sashimi,
as opposed to
realizing that this place
is devolving into...
I make the same delivery
every day.
And more and more of that food
is in the dumpster every night.
Can't go on much longer.
Wait, hold-hold on, Jeremiah.
I mean, is-is there
anything I can do?
Just keep your eyes open.
I'm not saying there's
something wrong with the kid,
but... I'm not
saying there ain't.
I don't know if I understand what...
- You are in my place of business.
- I will call the cops so fast,
- you'll wish it was the health department.
- Okay? I'm just here
- trying to life my life, dude.
- This is my place of business.
I'm just trying
to live my life, man.
I have the right
to enter my own property.
And I got rights, too.
And I got proof, bro.
I got proof of you harassing me.
Harassing? I just spent
two hours on a train
to come out here and talk
to you mano a mano,
like you asked, all right?
That's not harassment,
that's making an effort.
Now put the knife down,
for God's sake.
Okay, I will oblige.
It is down. Fuckin' need it
anyway, all right?
Let me be clear
with you. You have two options:
either you commit to the buyout
- or you make some sort of minimum payment
- You may do...
on your back rent by
the end of business Friday,
or I'll serve you eviction
papers Monday morning.
- Eviction papers, wow!
- It's been three months of this shit.
- I'm done with it.
- Well, you know what?
- I'm not done with it, bro. Fuck you, okay?
- Oh...
- Fuck you right in your ass.
- Fuck me?
- You're harassing me.
- You haven't paid a cent.
- Right in the fuckin' ass.
- And you've been
nothing but hostile
and threatening
since the day I came out here
to introduce myself.
And you're on drugs and now, I guess,
- you got a hooker working here.
Is that you? - No. No, no. Hey...
- I'm sorry, a sex worker? A sex worker.
- No, no, I'm sorry, excuse me.
- I'm... I'm a masseuse, sir.
- This woman right here is the best goddamn masseuse
- in the tristate area.
- Stop, let me talk to him.
- It's all right. - I don't care
what you do with your body, sweetheart,
but you're running
an illegal business
out of an
illegally-occupied unit.
- She not going nowhere, either, bro.
- No, no, no, no.
- Here he comes to save the day.
- It's okay, I got it, I got it.
Cálmate, I got it,
I got it, bro.
You know what, she is
my fucking family, all right?
Okay? And my family
has been in this very spot
- for over 35 years.
- Oh, really?
And you know what, for 35 years,
this area
has been nothing but cheap
and dangerous and dirty.
My predecessor may have
liked it that way,
but I have a mandate
to bring in some people
with a higher
standard of living.
- Oh, wow!
- I have a responsibility to those people.
Who are those people,
the white people? The gringos?
You know what? This has nothing
whatsoever to do with race.
- Do you hear yourself?
- Why don't you school me, then?
- School me, Mr. Rainbow Coalition.
Go ahead. - I will, I will.
- Go ahead, school me, bro.
- All right.
Yesterday, I rented
to a Black couple,
and I got to be honest...
- little racist.
- Wow!
You, you don't think
- minorities can pay their rent.
- This fucking guy.
That makes you racist, too.
Do you even
hear yourself, huh?
I do. I'll see you in court.
Make sure you get
good and doped up, amigo.
Okay,
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no. My turn. My turn.
I-I have cash.
- You have that much cash?
- Yes, I got... I got paid in cash.
Well, yeah, of course you do.
Okay, fine. Where is it?
Let me go downstairs,
let me get it for you.
- I'll go.
- No, no, you don't have to come with me.
I'm not gonna count money
out in the open
in this neighborhood.
No, no. Come on. Yeah.
Stay here,
watch the shop.
It's all good. Uh, I don't...
I'm sorry, what's your name?
I don't even know your name.
- Pearlman.
- Yeah, Mr.- Mr. Pearlman, come on, let's...
let's go downstairs. Come on.
You know,
we're just gonna, like,
wipe our slate clean, all right?
Tabula rasa.
- Ow!
- Oh, God!
- Ow! Ow.
- Are you okay?
- God!
- Oh...
I guess we should
really get those
old stairs looked at, huh?
Yeah.
This building's gonna be
the death of me.
Here we go.
Right in here, Mr. Pearlman.
- Huh.
- Oh.
So...
you really do massage people.
That's a nice purple.
Thank you. Brand-new.
Just arrived today. Here you go.
I'm gonna need you
to count that out.
All right, yeah, sure.
You know, I've never
really gotten a massage.
Not a real one. I mean,
I, you know, I used to...
My ex-wife used to try,
but, you know, just not...
not like a real one.
Not like a professional, like...
I-I don't want to call you
a professional,
'cause you're running
an illegal business.
You know I'm the best, right?
What?
They don't call me
Magic Hands for no reason.
Oh. I don't doubt it.
All right.
541 for now, Mr. Pearlman.
541?
Yeah.
What... what's
the point of this?
Well, like a... down payment.
I mean, what's the rent
supposed to be now, anyway?
It's eight upstairs
and three down here.
- Okay, so 1,100, I gave you...
- No, thousand.
Thousand, sweetheart.
- 11,000?
- That's right.
A month? For this... this place?
I mean,
we used to pay 650
for a two-bedroom
- around the corner.
- When was that, 20 years ago?
It was around 20 years ago.
Okay, so I miscalculated
the inflation, all right?
But I know we can work this out.
So why don't we just...
call this a stay of execution?
How about that?
- Right, Mr. Pearlman? Please, Mr. Pearlman.
- All right.
All right.
This buys you a week.
All right? Just 'cause
I have a soft spot
for people like you.
- Thank you.
- But after that,
- I'm not gonna be so kind.
- I understand. I get it.
- And I'll tell, uh,
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Cheech up there
- Sorry about that.
that I'll, uh, be back in a week
- with the contractor.
- Okay.
There's no way I can find
that kind of money in a week.
If I had any other options...
- Thank you. No, wow.
- Oh, ah, hey, don't embarrass yourself.
It's just that
your shoulder's like a rock.
Well, yeah, I'm going
to the gym a little bit.
- My ex-wife's gone...
- No, no, it's not, it's not muscle, it's tension.
- Ow! Ow.
- Do you mind?
- You have, like, a really big knot
- Okay, ow.
- right there. You feel that?
- Yeah, yeah. Ay.
Yeah, yes. I-I've been
feeling it for weeks.
I can't really
turn my neck around.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you lie down?
I-I'm telling you,
it would be an honor
to have you as my first
on my brand-new table.
- What, you're gonna give me a massage?
- Listen, if I had bread,
I'd break it with you,
but what I do
is a whole lot more nourishing.
I'm serious. I promise you.
I promise you.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, uh, so...
why don't you undress
to the level of your comfort,
and I'm gonna get
some things started for us.
- What is that, incense?
- No, no, it's a candle.
- It just smells like coconut.
- Oh. Okay.
Oof.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
All set.
Um...
You're gonna have to turn around
so that I can get your back.
- My back?
- Yeah, that's where the knot is.
You-you can't turn your neck.
It's a...
Oh. Yeah, all right.
Motherfucker thinks
he's here to get a hand job.
Okay. Okay.
Just so you're
a little more comfortable,
I'm gonna take these off.
Okay, Mr. Pearlman.
You know... Hey, you know what?
Before-before we
do anything, can I...
I want you to know
I have nothing against you
or your husband personally.
I mean, my grandparents
were immigrants.
I'm a working-class guy,
my whole family.
All right? I'm not some sort of
rich real estate monster.
I'm not a-a slumlord, you know?
- Okay.
- I don't know,
what I resent about this whole
social justice business
is they ignore a critical fact
about human nature,
like the physiological
need to win.
It's not... it's not...
it's not racism.
All right? It's not classism,
it's not, uh,
you know, capitalism.
It's-it's... it's really just...
it's just Darwinism.
And if you want to survive,
you got to pay your rent
like civilized adults.
It's not my fault
you can't figure it out.
You don't have to ex...
explain yourself to me,
Mr. Pearlman.
I feel bad, I do.
I mean, it's just...
...just a burden of-of
my line of work, you know?
But you're a smart girl. I mean,
you know, you're not too old.
All your... Everything seems to
still be where
it's supposed to be.
I mean...
You'll land on your feet.
So, when am I gonna see
what these magic hands
can really do here, huh?
I mean, I don't want
to have to take back
that week I was
so kind to give you.
You wouldn't even have time
to pack before you have to
go back to wherever the hell
you came from.
In a week,
this motherfucker's
gonna come right back here
and I'm gonna have
nowhere left to go.
But here he is,
literally in my hands,
talking about not enough space,
Darwin and shit.
Like it's a dare.
What a fuckin' fool.
Got to break the C2
or the C1 to kill somebody.
That's what Tabitha taught me.
'Cause if you're gonna be alone
with half-naked motherfuckers,
you got to know
how to protect yourself.
The C2 or the C1.
I could do it if I had to.
Okay, you're being a fucking
tease. I don't have all...
What was that?
No turning back
from that.