The Guest Book (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

Logan is on vacation at Barefeet Retreat but his phone is broken; in India, customer service representative Vali helps Logan although he's in the midst of a crisis of his own.

So, I was able to find the keys.

They were in the
dishwasher of all places.

Turn on, you piece of shit!

So, uh, we don't usually rent

the place right after the music festival

'cause it takes me a
few days to clean up,

but it was in pretty good shape...

except for a spill on the
floor that looked like,

but certainly didn't
taste like, guacamole.

Do you care what card I use?

Actually, it's my mother's beach house,

so if there's no paper trail,
then I can put this money

right into my wedding fund,
so cash is king... or queen.

The cultural landscape's
shifting so fast,

I don't know what's right anymore.

All right, there you go. That's, uh...

Look, do you have a phone
that I could borrow

to call technical support?

I-I really have to get
this thing working.

Sure. You can use mine.

Hey, um...

Still no results from my paternity test?

Nothing yet.


But I was just about to go
home and check my mail.


Hello, and welcome to customer support.

My name is Jason Richardson,

and I look forward to helping you solve

whatever problems you are experiencing.

May I ask who I have the
pleasure to be talking to?

No. No, no, no. My phone won't turn on.

That's all you need to know.

I spent $1,000 on this thing
and it's a Goddamn...

I'm going to Burger King.
You want anything?

Well, as much as I would enjoy
a Masala Chicken Whopper,

my wife has prepared too
much Mulligatawny soup.

- Ah.
- That means, I carry the burden

of not letting it go to waste.

... just the stupid thing won't turn on!

Yes, sir, I understand that you are...

Distressed. I'm sure
I can help you today.

Please tell me exactly what

problems you are experiencing?

I just did! Do you speak English?

I do speak English.
Thank you for asking, sir.

I... was... trying... to... update...

the... latest... software...

and... now... my... phone...

Won't... turn... on.

If I'm understanding you, sir,

you... were... trying... to... update...

The... latest... software,

and... now... your... phone...

- Won't... turn... on.
- Bingo!

Which means, I can't get my

photos, I can't get my videos,

I can't get access to Facebook,
Instagram, Twitter...

I'm done with the microwave
if you need to heat up

- your stinky soup.
- Oh, thank you. Is that a new blouse?

I stole it from my sister.

... not to mention Snapchat.

Yes, sir, I am aware of all
the wonderful applications

that are available to share

one's life experiences. I'm
going to talk to my supervisor

while I put you on a brief hold.

What? No. No, no, n...


Hey, I got a cab waiting
for me outside and

I don't want to lose my place on hold.

Um, can I maybe just borrow
your phone for a while?

I'll, uh... I'll swing you an extra $20?

Yeah, why not?

But if my podiatrist calls,
just tell him, "It's back."

He'll know what that means.

That's why Nikki always leaves

the room whenever I'm around.

She's freaked out 'cause
I'm her baby's father.

Oh! I thought I just had bad breath.

Holy shit. I can stop flossing.

Mm-hmm. You need to figure
out what you're gonna do.

I know.

My life is never gonna be the same.

Without flossing, I can sleep in longer,

my gums aren't gonna bleed all the time,

I won't have to keep cleaning
off my rearview mirror.

Yeah, no, I was talking about the baby.

You know, once it grows
muscles and gets all hot,

Tommy's gonna know it isn't his.

You gotta leave town.

I can't just leave.

I know moving to a new
place can seem scary,

but that is why I am
willing to go with you.

Look, I appreciate you
looking out for me,

but I have a son now.

I need to be around in case he needs me.

This might just be the
best day of my life.

Uh, you have someone on hold.

Oh, yes, I put him on hold after Essha

told me the microwave was free.

But when my soup was reheating,

Yashvi started going on and

on about his weekend plans.

Next thing I knew,
I left my soup in too long.

Well, it took a good
bit of blowing to get

it cool enough to carry,
let alone to slurp.

He's been on hold for quite some time.

Navdeep, you have to pick that up.

No, no, no. He's going to be very mad.

He's a spoiled brat
having a temper tantrum

because he can't post his food selfies

and his basketball trick shots.

Hello, there, sir.

No, I'm here! I'm here!

- Hello?
- Just hold on!

- Yeah, no! Geez! I'm here!
- Are you there, sir?

Hello! Jason, I'm here! I'm here.

H-Hello, there, sir. My name is

Albert Anderson. How many I help you?

What do you mean "Albert"?

No, no, no. I was talking
to Jason Richardson.

He... He already knows what's wrong.

Uh, y-yes, sir, I-I
understand that you are...

Uh... perturbed.

Uh, I am his supervisor,
and I'm here to ask you,

in your own words,
if you would not mind,

describing what problem
you're experiencing.

I'm experiencing a phone
that doesn't work.

I updated the software
on an airplane and...

Uh, sir, I hate to interrupt you,

but I want to check our system to

see if this is a common problem.

- What? No! I just...
- Please hold.

Hi, Jasmine. I can't talk
right now. I'm working.

It's time.

- Now?
- Now.

Okay, um...

Let me finish up here,
and, uh, I-I'll be right over.

... companies need to stop
putting their call centers

in places where they can't
even figure out plumbing.

I mean, this idiot is probably
putting me on hold

to take a leak in the same river
where he's doing his dishes!

I mean, it's absolutely ins...

What are you doing?

Transferring this asshole
to my cellphone.

Let's see just how desperate he is

- to start getting likes again.
- ... melting all the ice caps.

- It's absolutely ins...
- Just a few more minutes, sir,

and please remember to stay on the line

- so we don't have to start over.
- No. D...


Too cold.

Who are you?

Becky. Who are you?


- Hey.
- Hey.

Who is this?

- Becky!
- Yep.

I was babysitting at the hotel
when the nurse called.

- Is the nurse here?
- She went to get the drugs.

The, uh, medicine to make
Grandma feel better.

- How's she feeling?
- She's in bed, but awake,

if you want to spend some time with her.

She doesn't want to talk about dying,

so we've just been playing board games.

Oh, uh, she's a little too weak
for Hungry Hungry Hippos.


This is really happening, huh?

She said she's ready.

I tried to call Mom and Dad, but

they don't get service on the ship.

No, don't think for
one second the timing

of their Alaskan cruise was an accident.

They knew this was coming.

They left this mess for us.

Are you on a call?

Uh, it's a work thing.

Just some asshole I'm
making stay on hold.


This prick can't get on Facebook and

thinks it's the end of the world.

Meanwhile, we're dealing
with life and death.

Trust me, he deserves it.

- Are you still there, sir?
- Yes, I'm still here, waiting.

Where the hell have you been?!

Sir, I think perhaps your phone
took on some moisture.

I'm going to need you
to find a bag of rice.

I don't have a bag of rice!

- I'm in a rental house!
- Oh, that's fine.

I'll keep you on hold while you
go to the grocery store...

... and I will check in
with you periodically.


Hello, sir.

No. W... Uh, w-who is this?
Where's Albert Anderson?

I've already explained
everything to Albert Anderson.

My name is Angela Peterson in
specialized technical support,

and I understand that you're
having some trouble today.

Yeah. Okay, look, A-Albert
told me to go get some rice,

- so I'm almost at the store.
- Good.

In the meantime, I need to get
some information from you.

Could you read me the serial number

- off the back of your phone?
- Back of the ph... Um...

Okay, yeah, it's, um, "F," "V," 3...

I need you to say the name of an

animal when you say the letters.

Like, "F" is for fox.

That way, I can understand your accent.

Y... A-Are you kidding me?

I... I think you said,
"Are you kidding me?"

Uh, if that is what you said, sir,

then, uh, no, I am not kidding with you.

"F" as in fox.

"V" as in...

"V" as in...

Damn it. I can't think of an animal

that starts with the letter "V."

- No problem. I can wait, sir.
- Ugh.

What the hell are you doing?

Ugh, sweating my tits off
trying to eat this sausage.

Seriously, Suzy, it's like
the devil farted on this thing.

You asked for spicy, you get spicy.

Bodhi told me about the baby and you

trying to get him to
leave town with you.

- What are you up to?
- I miss him, okay?

It's all your fault.

If you hadn't given him that
stupid-ass van to live in,

we'd still be roommates.

I thought you were
turning over a new leaf.

Telling people's secrets,
meddling in people's lives...

This feels more like
Tickles than Vivian.

"Feels more like Tickles than Vivian."

- Shut up.
- Just stay away from Bodhi

before I tell him the truth about you.

Hey! You say anything to Bodhi...

...and I will stuff
your balls in your butt!

Hey, get this... Your
stepmother just threatened

- to put my balls in my butt.
- Last digit is 3,

as in, uh, three turtle doves.

Let me read that back to you.

I have "F" as in fox, "V" as in vulture.

Shit. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Uh, the phone I'm on is about
to run out of battery.

Can you plug it in, sir?

No, I don't have a charger
for it! It's not my phone!

Oh, if you lose your place
in line, you'll have...

Start all over again. I know. I know!

Put me on hold!

Is your brother here?

- He's in with her.
- Oh, all right.

Well, this will more than do the trick.

Make sure you inject all of it.

What are you talking about?
I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it.

She is asking for this.

It's the humane thing to do.

Which is why

I am accidentally leaving this here

for her family to do the humane thing.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Who was that?

The nurse.

Okay, where did she go?


She says we have to do it.

I think this has already been decided.

We are not choosing who k-k...

Gives Grandma her medicine

by whoever touches their nose first.

I d... I didn't even
know that was a thing!

Why don't you want to
give her her medicine?

We are just a little afraid
of needles, that's all.

Listen, if you're not going
to honor the nose thing,

then we need to figure
something else out.

Rock, paper, scissors?

A-And tell me how rock, paper,
scissors is not stupid?

The nose thing doesn't even
have a name. That's how stupid it is.

In what world is a sheet
of paper stronger...

- Hello?
- Uh, yeah... yeah, hello.

W-Who is this?


Are you American? Please
tell me you're from America.

- New Jersey.
- I'm sorry,

just having a little
trouble hearing you.

Be quiet!

I'm on the phone.

Becky? Hello?

- Hey!
- Wh...

Hello, sir. Uh, are you still there?

Yes, I'm here. Put Becky back on.

- I want to talk to Becky.
- Oh, unfortunately,

Becky is currently assisting
another customer,

but I want you to know that
I'm concentrating on your case.

- Just hold a few more minutes.
- No, no, no.

- Don't put me back on hold.
- Thank you.

Another Blue Moon?


Hey, Vivian, how would you like

the entire weekend off with pay?

Excuse me?

Nikki's been pretty, uh,
stressed out lately,

so I, uh, wanted to surprise her
with a romantic weekend,

and I was wondering
if you would take Clark.

You want to give me your baby?

Yeah, if you're cool with it.
I mean, he's super easy.

You just have to feed him and change him

and keep him entertained all day.

I would love to take
your bab... to babysit.

I would love to babysit.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, well, I will give you the little

guy tomorrow after your lunch shift.

Can't wait.

Not on my watch, Barbara.



Oh, man. I missed it.

- Whoever knocks it over does the deed.
- Let's do it.


Becky, what did you do?

I gave your grandma her medicine.

I'm not afraid of needles.

My brother is a diabetic.

I bet you God will make
her better real soon.

She was praying really fast
before she went to sleep.

Did the coroner come and get her?

They did.

I didn't know whether or not to tip,

so I did, and then it felt weird.

How's the little girl?


Back with her family.

Has no idea she murdered someone.


Grandma was really something, huh?

Like no other.

Oh, my God. Remember her old neighbor?

He would scream at me if my
ball even touched his grass,

and then Grandma would make me go

over and mow his lawn for free.

"Be kind to unkind people..."

"... because they need it the most."


- You still there, man?
- Yeah, still here.


Okay, press the power button

and the two volume buttons

at the same time for 20 seconds.

Then what? Put it in
a bucket of chicken?

Then it'll come back on.

Real... Really? That's... That's it?

That's it.

Oh, my God.

You saved me. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

And I'm sorry it took me so long

to realize the right thing to do.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Albert Anderson! Yeah!

And I was really struggling

with the right words to say today,

but then I remembered that a picture

is worth a thousand words,

and thanks to Facebook,

Instagram, and Snapchat,

I've realized I had
everything I needed...

Well, almost everything.

I had a bit of a glitch with
my phone earlier today,

and I freaked out on some
people in India for a while.

But, um...

Even though, uh,

I was being a jerk, they helped me.

And thanks to one very nice gentleman,

I give you...

My grandmother.

She was like no other.

♪ My grandmother was like no other ♪

♪ Too bad you didn't meet her ♪

♪ Every day at 3:00,
she'd have G and T ♪

♪ At bridge you could not beat her ♪

♪ Christmastime she'd end up crying ♪

♪ Listening to Chevalier ♪

♪ And I got 10 bucks
and a card each year ♪

♪ In September for my birthday ♪

♪ My grandmother didn't much bother ♪

♪ Too much about being a granny ♪

♪ She didn't bake or knit,
she didn't give a shit ♪

♪ Us kids called her nanny ♪

♪ In the summertime, we'd visit her ♪

♪ Take the train to Rhode Island ♪

♪ Westerly all east taxi ♪

♪ Would pick us up and
we'd all pile in ♪

♪ My grandmother, my
sister, and my brother ♪

♪ And me all went to the ocean ♪

♪ In her cabana there
in a big beach chair ♪

♪ She'd survey our commotion ♪

♪ At the yacht club, we'd get our grub ♪

♪ We had grinders and grape sodas ♪

♪ What a dream... Popcorn, ice cream ♪

♪ Two weeks, no junk-food quotas ♪

♪ My grandmother would
light up another ♪

♪ You know that cough
of hers was chronic ♪

♪ She didn't drink wine,
but she was just fine ♪

♪ With a nice tall gin and tonic ♪

- _
- ♪ Nanny had opinions ♪

♪ Nanny wasn't prissy ♪

♪ She took us in despite our sins ♪

♪ Gave us cover when things got tricky ♪

♪ My grandmother was like no other ♪

♪ Too bad you didn't meet her ♪

♪ Every day at 3:00,
she'd have G and T ♪

♪ At bridge you could not beat her ♪

♪ Christmastime she'd end up crying ♪

♪ Listening to Maurice Chevalier ♪

♪ And I got 10 bucks
and a card each year ♪

♪ In September for my birthday ♪

- Nikki wants you to have the baby.
- What?

Yeah, she told Tommy
you were the father.

They had a huge fight.

Oh, no. Is Tommy pissed?
He's pissed, isn't he?

Furious! You gotta leave town.

With the baby?

I don't know anything about babies.

Don't worry. I'm gonna help you.

Look, God doesn't give
out breasts like these

without some natural
mothering instincts.

We... We have to leave right now?

Can I at least say goodbye to Eddie?

No. We don't have time.

Besides, I think I heard him say

something about leaving town himself.

He didn't say goodbye to you. So rude.