The Guest Book (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Killer Party - full transcript
Bodhi looks for Eddie, who has gone missing. A guest named Tim returns to Barefeet Retreat to reminisce about his memorable last visit, which included a raging party crashed by his Uncle Bill from West.
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
♪
[SNIFFS]
♪
Whatcha doing?
Just putting up some more flyers.
The ones I put up the
other day disappeared.
So, you gonna hang around
for a while, or...?
I would, but I got to put up
all these flyers around town.
Hey, could somebody shut the door?
I think we got a draft in here.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi. I'm here to pick up the
key to Bare Feet Retreat.
I don't know if you remember me, but...
Oh, I remember you.
- Shit.
- Boy, do I remember you.
Yeah, last time you rented the house,
I had to re-hang all the pictures.
I'm still getting sand
out of the knickknacks,
and half the spoons were gone.
It's not easy finding
matching spoons, okay?
And in fact, they won't truly match
until the new ones lose their
shine and muster up a patina.
No parties this time, I hope.
No parties. I promise.
All right, well, I'll see you later.
There was a-a bug.
♪
TIM: I want to assure you that
I won't be having any parties,
but I do owe you an
explanation about something.
It's a long story, and it all
started last year on my birthday.
Hey, there's my Walt.
Tell me those are my new shoes.
♪
Hi.
Uh, we're here to pick up
the keys to Bare Feet Retreat.
Oh, yeah. Uh, you're gonna have
to look for my boyfriend. He's...
You're diarrhea.
Ha! See? I told you that
commercial would get you chicks.
We're both actors. I mainly
do corporate training videos,
but if you worked for Kaiser Permanente,
you would be losing your shit right now.
- She doesn't care about...
- She does.
We just need the keys.
Okay, well, um, he's just in the back,
cleaning spaghetti off the marlin.
[CHUCKLES] We had a
2-year-old in here earlier
that was acting like a real prick.
I'm here about the beach house.
Yeah, can you give me a sec?
I just have to get these noodles
off before they crust up.
[CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS]
- Hello?
- Uh, sorry to bother you, Mr. Davis,
but I have a DJ Maureen here
looking to set up some party or whatnot.
And between you and me,
she's got a half a tattoo,
and I wouldn't mind
seeing the other half.
Shit.
Look, I told her the
party was at the beach.
The address is 246 Sandyland
Way in Mabel Beach.
And it's a surprise, so tell
her not to show up until 9:00.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- You guys having a party?
Uh, just a little one.
- Is... is that a problem?
- Not for me,
but you probably don't want
my boyfriend to find out.
It's his mom's house.
Uh, you know, you can come
if you want, actually.
It's... It's diarrhea's birthday.
Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to sneak out.
But I did just get these new shoes.
No, you know what?
It's Friday, and Tommy
was looking forward
to pot roast pajama night.
[SIGHS]
Are you sure?
Those shoes look like they
deserve to stay up past 8:30.
[LAUGHING] 8:30?
We're not that lame.
We don't go to bed till
after "Blue Bloods."
So, I don't know what you guys have
up your sleeve as far as activities,
but there's a whole shelf full of games.
For two players, may I recommend Farkle?
It's like Yahtzee on steroids.
Thanks. See you later.
You know, I was thinking
about spicing things up tonight,
throwing a square of dark
chocolate into the pot roast.
Think I saw it on "The Chew."
Oh.
♪
This actually looks kind of fun.
Maybe after we order dinner, we can...
Eat this birthday cookie.
- What kind of coo...
- Nom, nom, nom.
- There's weed in this, isn't there?
- Quite a bit.
Thanks. I think.
You know I haven't gotten
high since the breakup?
It reminds me of Jennifer...
Yeah, I know, all right?
But you can't not ever get high again
just because drugs remind
you of your ex-girlfriend.
- It's not healthy, man.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who's that?
I think it's my Uncle Bill.
Looks like the old man from "Up."
In order for you to understand
why seeing my Uncle Bill outside
your beach house was so strange,
you need to know a few things about him.
Bill grew up in West
Virginia, and at 15,
he started working in the
coal mines with his dad.
He met his wife, Lorraine,
when he was 22.
They couldn't have children,
so for the next 50 years,
they spent their time going to church,
laying in the backyard
looking at clouds,
playing cards with friends,
and just being in love.
It was a simple life.
♪
A few years ago, I got the news
that Lorraine died of a heart attack.
If my parents were still alive,
I might've gone to the funeral,
but without somebody
pressuring me to go, I didn't.
It was selfish, especially because
even though I hadn't
seen Bill since I was 5,
he never forgot my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What are you doing here?
Well, I went to your apartment,
and the man in charge of the
lobby said you was here.
Hi. I'm Bill.
Joe.
I reckoned this year I'd
deliver your card by hand.
Could I use your washroom?
I tried to use the one on the bus,
but I couldn't hold my breath that long.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
Well, you better hurry up.
Pop into your PJs.
Yeah, actually, my sister just texted.
I have to babysit now.
That's a little last-minute.
Yeah, she matched with
someone on Tinder.
Okay. Well, um,
I could put the roast back
in the pot, let it simmer,
keep my hunger at bay
with a handful of raisins.
No, you know, it's fine.
Um, she sounds like
she's in a slutty mood,
so I could be stuck there all night.
Well, I guess I could
tape "Blue Bloods."
Although it's a new one tonight,
and I got a Shriners
meeting in the morning.
There's no way Glen doesn't
let a spoiler slip out.
Maybe I could watch it
and then you and I could
watch it together later?
Sounds great. [CHUCKLES]
You seem to enjoy watching the repeats
more than the originals anyways.
Yeah, well, I'm a lot less stressed
the second go-around, that's for sure.
You got to get rid of him.
I'm throwing you a party.
DJ Maureen is coming.
Seriously?
We haven't hung out with her
since the last time we took...
That's a lot of ecstasy.
[COUGHING]
You know, I was thinking, uh,
maybe us two could go fishing again.
You remember the last
time we went fishing?
You couldn't have been more than 5.
A big, old catfish got
ahold of your line
and yanked you right out of the boat.
Yeah, I started crying, and
if I remember correctly,
you started laughing.
[CHUCKLES] I had to.
Oh, you was terrified.
I needed to let you know that
everything's gonna be okay,
and it worked.
You caught the sillies from me,
and then you started laughing yourself.
That's true. I did.
[ECSTASY RATTLES]
You must be tired.
How about I help you
find a hotel nearby?
I'm dying.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- Okay.
- I've got pneumoconiosis.
It's commonly known as Black Lung.
My lungs are black.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Police! We're here to
take all your drugs!
[LAUGHS]
- Happy birthday!
- [CHEERING]
Oh, shit, you brought the
doorman, you crazy bitch.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You'uns fixing to have a party?
Yeah, but it's not the
kind of party you would...
My friend, he, uh...
I don't do drugs, but some of
the people who are coming, uh...
If there's gonna be drugs at your party,
- I'd like to stay.
- Excuse me?
I would be willing to
try some of them drugs.
I don't... What?
Tim, I lived the way I thought I
was supposed to for 90 years,
and there were a whole lot of
rewards along the way for doing so.
Met a great woman.
And since I was faithful to her,
she never left my side.
I ain't never touched alcohol.
And because of that,
I ain't never done nothing
that I've regretted.
But lately, I've been asking myself
if I lived too safe a life.
What I'm saying is that I
want to see what life is like
when I don't play by the rules.
My only fear is that, if I like it,
I'm gonna kick myself for
waiting 90 years to start.
[CHEERING]
All right, everybody.
Here we go.
On you mark...
Get set...
Go!
♪
[CHEERING]
I don't feel nothing yet.
Yeah, it's gonna take about
45 minutes to kick in.
Okay, but if I fall asleep before then,
be sure to wake me.
Ecstasy can affect people
in different ways.
Some people get creative
and start to look at the
world in a different way.
♪
Some people dance.
♪
Some people like to
touch and be touched.
♪
Me? I tend to get introspective.
I'm thinking about quitting acting.
Why? You're so famous.
- For being the face of diarrhea.
- Ah.
I just don't want to end
up like our doorman.
He used to be an actor, and the rumor is
that he ended up doing porn.
No.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I feel real good.
You guys feel real good?
[CHUCKLES] Amazing.
We feel great.
[SIGHS]
[FUZZ SCRATCHING]
[SIGHS] I can't believe I
was gonna eat pot roast
and watch "Blue Bloods"
with my boyfriend tonight.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Where'd you guys meet?
Mm. We dropped out
of law school together.
He's really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really nice.
He sounds nice.
Yeah.
This is the first time
I've done euphoria.
Me, too.
Remember we talked about
that in the kitchen?
It's called ecstasy, Bill.
What is?
- Ah.
- The drug. It's called ecstasy.
What did I say?
[LAUGHING] I don't know. Something else.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS] I just wish
Tommy wouldn't act like
we're already an old married couple.
Last weekend, we put together
a puzzle I bought at a yard sale.
I like puzzles.
[CHUCKLES] Me, too.
That's why I bought one at a yard sale.
[SIGHS]
Your feet are beautiful.
I know. [GIGGLES]
You want to touch them?
- It'd be okay?
- I think so.
Yeah, it's okay.
Maybe I should be a puzzle
maker instead of an actor.
♪
You'd be good at that.
You know what? I like the corner pieces.
You should make more corner pieces.
I feel great.
Do you guys feel great?
[CHUCKLES] Amazing.
This is the first time
I've tried euphoria.
The rest of the night
is a bit of a blur,
but I do remember bits and pieces.
♪
Some girl tripped and put her
head through one of your walls,
which she thought was hysterical.
[LAUGHS]
That led us to finding the
coolest handyman on Craigslist,
who fixed it up like new.
So Joe gave him a nice tip.
♪
What was that?
I vaguely remember a robot
that played records.
I also remember my
commercial coming on TV.
- Hey.
- Look, look, look.
Look at the TV. Look at the TV.
That's him.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
At one point, DJ Maureen
decided she was a pirate
and thought she should bury
a bunch of treasure on the beach.
♪
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
And our doorman showed us
a trick he can do with spoons.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
[CHEERING]
♪ On top of the world ♪
All in all, it was a hell of a night,
but eventually the sun came
up and the party had to end.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
_
[FARTS]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING, SKIPPING]
[SNORES]
Ugh! [STRAINED] Uh, you
stepped on my dick and balls.
I'm sorry. I can't...
I can't find my shoes.
[GROANS]
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
TIM: Hey, Bill, you haven't seen
a pair of blue shoes out here, have ya?
I think that tattooed lady who
was hogging the record player
might've buried them.
Oh, sh... She does that.
Good luck.
That was a pretty crazy night, huh?
It was. It was something.
[CHUCKLES]
I threw them spoons in the ocean.
After what they've been through,
I didn't like the idea that some young'n
would be slurping up his
Frosted Flakes with them.
That's good thinking.
How do you feel?
Not as good as I did last
night, that's for sure.
Yeah, it kind of uses up
all your happy for a while.
Can't have ecstasy
without a little agony.
Uh, it depends on what
you consider ecstasy.
Sitting in an easy chair
after a long day's work,
taking a walk in the
woods on a sunny day,
being in love...
To me, that's what ecstasy is.
Of course, it don't pack the
punch that your ecstasy did,
but mine lasted 90 years and,
uh, didn't make me feel like
a hollowed-out old tree
trunk in the morning.
So, do you finally have
your regret, then?
I do, but it's not so
much about the drugs
as about touching that young lady's feet
for as long as I done.
I don't think my wife would've approved.
Sorry I made you feel bad.
There were a lot of things I
did last night that I regret.
It's okay, sweetie.
I don't mind a little guilt.
It's just your brain reminding you
that you're a good person.
If you wasn't a good person,
you wouldn't feel guilty.
TIM: Well, I must be
a really good person,
because I've had a lot of crazy nights
where I felt really guilty.
[LAUGHS, COUGHS]
Look, Tim, I'm not gonna tell you
how to live your life,
but when it comes to drugs
and sex, try to make decisions
on how you're gonna feel about
it afterward, not during,
because the after lasts a whole
lot longer than the during.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
And I sure hope you weren't
serious about quitting acting.
There's a whole mess of
people in West Virginia
would be fit to be tied if you did.
What are you talking about?
Everybody at church
knows you're my nephew,
and all I talk about
is seeing you on TV.
I mean, you got a lot of fans.
Oh, great. I'm the Tom
Hanks of liquefied crap.
Nobody ever said nothing about
that tummy-ache commercial.
The most I hear is when
you was that DMV clerk
on that terrible show about the redneck
with the mustache and the grocery list.
- "My Name is Earl"?
- That sounds right.
And, uh, the one where
you was that crying guy
in the court show.
"Judge Judy"? No, that was real.
My roommate stole my ferret.
Well, you sure took
your loss like a champ.
You are a good actor.
♪
Yeah, I'm not gonna quit.
I-I think I just said that
'cause I wanted someone
to talk me out of it.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks.
You're welcome.
And if you don't want
people recognize you
from that commercial, grow a beard.
Diarrhea ain't got no beard.
[BLOWS]
The next few months, we helped
Bill try a lot of new things,
including raw fish and roller coasters.
But as the end grew near, he wanted
to be back in West Virginia
doing old things...
Five of a kind.
- Five?
- That's impossible...
- That's impossible.
- ... but I have it.
I just have a straight flush.
You got me.
... until it was time
for the fun to end,
and, not knowing what was
coming next, Bill was scared.
But this time, it was up to me
to let him know he was going to be okay.
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
And it worked. He caught the sillies
from me and started laughing.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SNIFFLES]
[LAUGHS]
Bill wanted his ashes spread
alongside Lorraine's
in the backyard, where they
used to look at clouds.
Well, most of his ashes.
He asked me to dump a small part of him
in the ocean with your spoons.
He didn't like the idea
of Lorraine's ashes
next to the part of him that
rubbed another woman's feet.
The problem is, on my way
into your living room,
Uncle Bill and I took a little tumble.
So when you see that I
had to replace your rug,
you'll know why.
That's the explanation
I thought I owed you.
Your pal, Tim.
♪ If I stood in that tunnel ♪
♪ a white light at the end ♪
♪ Heard a blonde was asking
♪ "Honey, would you do it all
the same way again?" ♪
♪ If you had the chance,
would you switch? ♪
♪ Tighten every seam up,
stitch by stitch? ♪
♪ Yeah, I'd change a couple
things, that'd be my wish ♪
♪ Make love more, drink a little less ♪
♪ Only do the good drugs
♪ Take it as it comes
like a door wide open ♪
♪ Never sweep it underneath the rug ♪
♪ Wouldn't have swung at every pitch ♪
♪ Wouldn't have been
so sad when I missed ♪
♪ Yeah, I'd change a couple things... ♪
Guys, you got to pay attention.
You're... You're dropping everything.
How come Aunt Debbie gets
to stay on the beach?
Because Aunt Debbie married well.
LISA: Shh!
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Let me change a couple
thing, let me get my wish ♪
♪ Can I change a couple
things, will I get my wish? ♪
♪
♪
[SNIFFS]
♪
Whatcha doing?
Just putting up some more flyers.
The ones I put up the
other day disappeared.
So, you gonna hang around
for a while, or...?
I would, but I got to put up
all these flyers around town.
Hey, could somebody shut the door?
I think we got a draft in here.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi. I'm here to pick up the
key to Bare Feet Retreat.
I don't know if you remember me, but...
Oh, I remember you.
- Shit.
- Boy, do I remember you.
Yeah, last time you rented the house,
I had to re-hang all the pictures.
I'm still getting sand
out of the knickknacks,
and half the spoons were gone.
It's not easy finding
matching spoons, okay?
And in fact, they won't truly match
until the new ones lose their
shine and muster up a patina.
No parties this time, I hope.
No parties. I promise.
All right, well, I'll see you later.
There was a-a bug.
♪
TIM: I want to assure you that
I won't be having any parties,
but I do owe you an
explanation about something.
It's a long story, and it all
started last year on my birthday.
Hey, there's my Walt.
Tell me those are my new shoes.
♪
Hi.
Uh, we're here to pick up
the keys to Bare Feet Retreat.
Oh, yeah. Uh, you're gonna have
to look for my boyfriend. He's...
You're diarrhea.
Ha! See? I told you that
commercial would get you chicks.
We're both actors. I mainly
do corporate training videos,
but if you worked for Kaiser Permanente,
you would be losing your shit right now.
- She doesn't care about...
- She does.
We just need the keys.
Okay, well, um, he's just in the back,
cleaning spaghetti off the marlin.
[CHUCKLES] We had a
2-year-old in here earlier
that was acting like a real prick.
I'm here about the beach house.
Yeah, can you give me a sec?
I just have to get these noodles
off before they crust up.
[CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS]
- Hello?
- Uh, sorry to bother you, Mr. Davis,
but I have a DJ Maureen here
looking to set up some party or whatnot.
And between you and me,
she's got a half a tattoo,
and I wouldn't mind
seeing the other half.
Shit.
Look, I told her the
party was at the beach.
The address is 246 Sandyland
Way in Mabel Beach.
And it's a surprise, so tell
her not to show up until 9:00.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- You guys having a party?
Uh, just a little one.
- Is... is that a problem?
- Not for me,
but you probably don't want
my boyfriend to find out.
It's his mom's house.
Uh, you know, you can come
if you want, actually.
It's... It's diarrhea's birthday.
Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to sneak out.
But I did just get these new shoes.
No, you know what?
It's Friday, and Tommy
was looking forward
to pot roast pajama night.
[SIGHS]
Are you sure?
Those shoes look like they
deserve to stay up past 8:30.
[LAUGHING] 8:30?
We're not that lame.
We don't go to bed till
after "Blue Bloods."
So, I don't know what you guys have
up your sleeve as far as activities,
but there's a whole shelf full of games.
For two players, may I recommend Farkle?
It's like Yahtzee on steroids.
Thanks. See you later.
You know, I was thinking
about spicing things up tonight,
throwing a square of dark
chocolate into the pot roast.
Think I saw it on "The Chew."
Oh.
♪
This actually looks kind of fun.
Maybe after we order dinner, we can...
Eat this birthday cookie.
- What kind of coo...
- Nom, nom, nom.
- There's weed in this, isn't there?
- Quite a bit.
Thanks. I think.
You know I haven't gotten
high since the breakup?
It reminds me of Jennifer...
Yeah, I know, all right?
But you can't not ever get high again
just because drugs remind
you of your ex-girlfriend.
- It's not healthy, man.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who's that?
I think it's my Uncle Bill.
Looks like the old man from "Up."
In order for you to understand
why seeing my Uncle Bill outside
your beach house was so strange,
you need to know a few things about him.
Bill grew up in West
Virginia, and at 15,
he started working in the
coal mines with his dad.
He met his wife, Lorraine,
when he was 22.
They couldn't have children,
so for the next 50 years,
they spent their time going to church,
laying in the backyard
looking at clouds,
playing cards with friends,
and just being in love.
It was a simple life.
♪
A few years ago, I got the news
that Lorraine died of a heart attack.
If my parents were still alive,
I might've gone to the funeral,
but without somebody
pressuring me to go, I didn't.
It was selfish, especially because
even though I hadn't
seen Bill since I was 5,
he never forgot my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What are you doing here?
Well, I went to your apartment,
and the man in charge of the
lobby said you was here.
Hi. I'm Bill.
Joe.
I reckoned this year I'd
deliver your card by hand.
Could I use your washroom?
I tried to use the one on the bus,
but I couldn't hold my breath that long.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
Well, you better hurry up.
Pop into your PJs.
Yeah, actually, my sister just texted.
I have to babysit now.
That's a little last-minute.
Yeah, she matched with
someone on Tinder.
Okay. Well, um,
I could put the roast back
in the pot, let it simmer,
keep my hunger at bay
with a handful of raisins.
No, you know, it's fine.
Um, she sounds like
she's in a slutty mood,
so I could be stuck there all night.
Well, I guess I could
tape "Blue Bloods."
Although it's a new one tonight,
and I got a Shriners
meeting in the morning.
There's no way Glen doesn't
let a spoiler slip out.
Maybe I could watch it
and then you and I could
watch it together later?
Sounds great. [CHUCKLES]
You seem to enjoy watching the repeats
more than the originals anyways.
Yeah, well, I'm a lot less stressed
the second go-around, that's for sure.
You got to get rid of him.
I'm throwing you a party.
DJ Maureen is coming.
Seriously?
We haven't hung out with her
since the last time we took...
That's a lot of ecstasy.
[COUGHING]
You know, I was thinking, uh,
maybe us two could go fishing again.
You remember the last
time we went fishing?
You couldn't have been more than 5.
A big, old catfish got
ahold of your line
and yanked you right out of the boat.
Yeah, I started crying, and
if I remember correctly,
you started laughing.
[CHUCKLES] I had to.
Oh, you was terrified.
I needed to let you know that
everything's gonna be okay,
and it worked.
You caught the sillies from me,
and then you started laughing yourself.
That's true. I did.
[ECSTASY RATTLES]
You must be tired.
How about I help you
find a hotel nearby?
I'm dying.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- Okay.
- I've got pneumoconiosis.
It's commonly known as Black Lung.
My lungs are black.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Police! We're here to
take all your drugs!
[LAUGHS]
- Happy birthday!
- [CHEERING]
Oh, shit, you brought the
doorman, you crazy bitch.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You'uns fixing to have a party?
Yeah, but it's not the
kind of party you would...
My friend, he, uh...
I don't do drugs, but some of
the people who are coming, uh...
If there's gonna be drugs at your party,
- I'd like to stay.
- Excuse me?
I would be willing to
try some of them drugs.
I don't... What?
Tim, I lived the way I thought I
was supposed to for 90 years,
and there were a whole lot of
rewards along the way for doing so.
Met a great woman.
And since I was faithful to her,
she never left my side.
I ain't never touched alcohol.
And because of that,
I ain't never done nothing
that I've regretted.
But lately, I've been asking myself
if I lived too safe a life.
What I'm saying is that I
want to see what life is like
when I don't play by the rules.
My only fear is that, if I like it,
I'm gonna kick myself for
waiting 90 years to start.
[CHEERING]
All right, everybody.
Here we go.
On you mark...
Get set...
Go!
♪
[CHEERING]
I don't feel nothing yet.
Yeah, it's gonna take about
45 minutes to kick in.
Okay, but if I fall asleep before then,
be sure to wake me.
Ecstasy can affect people
in different ways.
Some people get creative
and start to look at the
world in a different way.
♪
Some people dance.
♪
Some people like to
touch and be touched.
♪
Me? I tend to get introspective.
I'm thinking about quitting acting.
Why? You're so famous.
- For being the face of diarrhea.
- Ah.
I just don't want to end
up like our doorman.
He used to be an actor, and the rumor is
that he ended up doing porn.
No.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I feel real good.
You guys feel real good?
[CHUCKLES] Amazing.
We feel great.
[SIGHS]
[FUZZ SCRATCHING]
[SIGHS] I can't believe I
was gonna eat pot roast
and watch "Blue Bloods"
with my boyfriend tonight.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Where'd you guys meet?
Mm. We dropped out
of law school together.
He's really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really nice.
He sounds nice.
Yeah.
This is the first time
I've done euphoria.
Me, too.
Remember we talked about
that in the kitchen?
It's called ecstasy, Bill.
What is?
- Ah.
- The drug. It's called ecstasy.
What did I say?
[LAUGHING] I don't know. Something else.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS] I just wish
Tommy wouldn't act like
we're already an old married couple.
Last weekend, we put together
a puzzle I bought at a yard sale.
I like puzzles.
[CHUCKLES] Me, too.
That's why I bought one at a yard sale.
[SIGHS]
Your feet are beautiful.
I know. [GIGGLES]
You want to touch them?
- It'd be okay?
- I think so.
Yeah, it's okay.
Maybe I should be a puzzle
maker instead of an actor.
♪
You'd be good at that.
You know what? I like the corner pieces.
You should make more corner pieces.
I feel great.
Do you guys feel great?
[CHUCKLES] Amazing.
This is the first time
I've tried euphoria.
The rest of the night
is a bit of a blur,
but I do remember bits and pieces.
♪
Some girl tripped and put her
head through one of your walls,
which she thought was hysterical.
[LAUGHS]
That led us to finding the
coolest handyman on Craigslist,
who fixed it up like new.
So Joe gave him a nice tip.
♪
What was that?
I vaguely remember a robot
that played records.
I also remember my
commercial coming on TV.
- Hey.
- Look, look, look.
Look at the TV. Look at the TV.
That's him.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
At one point, DJ Maureen
decided she was a pirate
and thought she should bury
a bunch of treasure on the beach.
♪
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
And our doorman showed us
a trick he can do with spoons.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
[CHEERING]
♪ On top of the world ♪
All in all, it was a hell of a night,
but eventually the sun came
up and the party had to end.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
_
[FARTS]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING, SKIPPING]
[SNORES]
Ugh! [STRAINED] Uh, you
stepped on my dick and balls.
I'm sorry. I can't...
I can't find my shoes.
[GROANS]
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
TIM: Hey, Bill, you haven't seen
a pair of blue shoes out here, have ya?
I think that tattooed lady who
was hogging the record player
might've buried them.
Oh, sh... She does that.
Good luck.
That was a pretty crazy night, huh?
It was. It was something.
[CHUCKLES]
I threw them spoons in the ocean.
After what they've been through,
I didn't like the idea that some young'n
would be slurping up his
Frosted Flakes with them.
That's good thinking.
How do you feel?
Not as good as I did last
night, that's for sure.
Yeah, it kind of uses up
all your happy for a while.
Can't have ecstasy
without a little agony.
Uh, it depends on what
you consider ecstasy.
Sitting in an easy chair
after a long day's work,
taking a walk in the
woods on a sunny day,
being in love...
To me, that's what ecstasy is.
Of course, it don't pack the
punch that your ecstasy did,
but mine lasted 90 years and,
uh, didn't make me feel like
a hollowed-out old tree
trunk in the morning.
So, do you finally have
your regret, then?
I do, but it's not so
much about the drugs
as about touching that young lady's feet
for as long as I done.
I don't think my wife would've approved.
Sorry I made you feel bad.
There were a lot of things I
did last night that I regret.
It's okay, sweetie.
I don't mind a little guilt.
It's just your brain reminding you
that you're a good person.
If you wasn't a good person,
you wouldn't feel guilty.
TIM: Well, I must be
a really good person,
because I've had a lot of crazy nights
where I felt really guilty.
[LAUGHS, COUGHS]
Look, Tim, I'm not gonna tell you
how to live your life,
but when it comes to drugs
and sex, try to make decisions
on how you're gonna feel about
it afterward, not during,
because the after lasts a whole
lot longer than the during.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
And I sure hope you weren't
serious about quitting acting.
There's a whole mess of
people in West Virginia
would be fit to be tied if you did.
What are you talking about?
Everybody at church
knows you're my nephew,
and all I talk about
is seeing you on TV.
I mean, you got a lot of fans.
Oh, great. I'm the Tom
Hanks of liquefied crap.
Nobody ever said nothing about
that tummy-ache commercial.
The most I hear is when
you was that DMV clerk
on that terrible show about the redneck
with the mustache and the grocery list.
- "My Name is Earl"?
- That sounds right.
And, uh, the one where
you was that crying guy
in the court show.
"Judge Judy"? No, that was real.
My roommate stole my ferret.
Well, you sure took
your loss like a champ.
You are a good actor.
♪
Yeah, I'm not gonna quit.
I-I think I just said that
'cause I wanted someone
to talk me out of it.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks.
You're welcome.
And if you don't want
people recognize you
from that commercial, grow a beard.
Diarrhea ain't got no beard.
[BLOWS]
The next few months, we helped
Bill try a lot of new things,
including raw fish and roller coasters.
But as the end grew near, he wanted
to be back in West Virginia
doing old things...
Five of a kind.
- Five?
- That's impossible...
- That's impossible.
- ... but I have it.
I just have a straight flush.
You got me.
... until it was time
for the fun to end,
and, not knowing what was
coming next, Bill was scared.
But this time, it was up to me
to let him know he was going to be okay.
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
And it worked. He caught the sillies
from me and started laughing.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SNIFFLES]
[LAUGHS]
Bill wanted his ashes spread
alongside Lorraine's
in the backyard, where they
used to look at clouds.
Well, most of his ashes.
He asked me to dump a small part of him
in the ocean with your spoons.
He didn't like the idea
of Lorraine's ashes
next to the part of him that
rubbed another woman's feet.
The problem is, on my way
into your living room,
Uncle Bill and I took a little tumble.
So when you see that I
had to replace your rug,
you'll know why.
That's the explanation
I thought I owed you.
Your pal, Tim.
♪ If I stood in that tunnel ♪
♪ a white light at the end ♪
♪ Heard a blonde was asking
♪ "Honey, would you do it all
the same way again?" ♪
♪ If you had the chance,
would you switch? ♪
♪ Tighten every seam up,
stitch by stitch? ♪
♪ Yeah, I'd change a couple
things, that'd be my wish ♪
♪ Make love more, drink a little less ♪
♪ Only do the good drugs
♪ Take it as it comes
like a door wide open ♪
♪ Never sweep it underneath the rug ♪
♪ Wouldn't have swung at every pitch ♪
♪ Wouldn't have been
so sad when I missed ♪
♪ Yeah, I'd change a couple things... ♪
Guys, you got to pay attention.
You're... You're dropping everything.
How come Aunt Debbie gets
to stay on the beach?
Because Aunt Debbie married well.
LISA: Shh!
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Let me change a couple
thing, let me get my wish ♪
♪ Can I change a couple
things, will I get my wish? ♪
♪