The Guest Book (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Story Five - full transcript

Hopeful medical researcher Laurie (Jenna Fischer) visits the cabin with her Alzheimer's patient Edgar (Orson Bean) in an attempt to recreate his past life to help him recapture some of his memories.


tonight is the night, man.

Mm, "The Guest Book" is on. Whoo!

Hey, it's not too late to catch up,
especially since, basically

it's a new story each episode.
But the people in the town...

They have some stuff going on, too.

The doctor that lives
next door to the cabin

is preparing for his wife to come visit.

But the little lady cop is bummed out,

'cause I think she has
a mad crush on him.

And remember how I told you

the stripper's blackmailing
the guy who rents the cabins?

Well, she found someone
to rent Froggy Cottage,

so I think this week, that's
who's gonna stay there.

Damn. Do you have a
dollar I could borrow?

- Thanks.
- You gonna watch the show?

You gonna watch the show?

You gonna watch the show?

So, what brings you to México?

Let me guess...

- A beautiful woman.
- No,

beautiful women are too much
work. I prefer slightly older,

slightly damaged women
with big bank accounts.


This one bought me a car.

This one paid for my calf implants.

And this one here is the
reason I'm in Mexico.

No one is 100% honest in
their online dating profile.

Mine doesn't disclose
that I have webbed toes,

and Marta's failed to mention

that she made her
fortune selling cocaine.

But who am I to judge people
on how they pay my bills?

Hey, baby.

Since you like poems so
much, I wrote one for you.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

"Time to dry off and put your wiener

"inside Mommy."

- Mierda.
- I can't go to jail.

I'm too pretty, and I know too much
about thread count. I'll testify.

She told me she gets her drugs
from the Colombian cartel.

Puta rata!

Ohh, man!

Not ladylike, Marta!
Not ladylike in the least!

They want me to take your statement here

rather than risk you
being seen at the station.

The Colombian cartel
have people everywhere.


If you want a little free advice,

if you just keep your mouth
shut, you'll be out in a year.

If you testify, there'll be a price

on your head for the rest of your life.

Aw, don't worry about me, buddy.

I got enough cash hidden away to
make sure they'll never find me.

Oh, shit,

shit, shit!!

I warned you! They have
people everywhere!

Realizing they would stop at nothing

to keep me from testifying,

after a few weeks, the
cops decided to move me

to a safe house in the mountains.

When you get there, do a
sweep for potential weapons.

I will, Dad. I've been
doing this for 20 years.

Besides, I don't think

I have much to worry
about with this guy.

Call me tonight. I'm off to a potluck.

Love you.

We're out of the city.
You can sit up now.

How do you know Marta's people
don't know where you're taking me?

I promise you're safe, trust me.
My father's the head

of the department, and as you can
tell, he's a little overprotective...

Won't assign me to anything the
least bit dangerous or exciting.

I'm six years away from retirement,

and I haven't even been shot at yet.

You know what might be exciting?
If I didn't have to testify.

You could just drop me
off at my apartment,

let me grab a few things,
let me disappear.

Yeah, right.

If you like, we could

get to know each other
a little while we're there.

Keep dreaming.

If this woman was heavier, older,

or uglier, I might have had a shot.

But my powers don't tend to
work on anything above a five.

I think they're here.

If you don't mind, could you at least

go over the Froggy Cottage
house rules with them?

We're the ones doing
the blackmailing, dipshit.

We make the rules, not you.

Holy shit.

That guy looks like a
weatherman or something.

I-I got to go find my eyelashes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- We're here to pick up some keys.
- Um, yeah.

Come on in.

"The downstairs toilet needs to be

"handled with care, a frown symbol.

"The bolts are loose, a smile symbol."

- Those are parenthesis.
- "No pets.

"No smoking."

A famous poet once said
that in order to create,

one must first observe.

And I was observing
that I might have found

the perfect woman to
help me create my escape.

"Do not feed the wildlife.

"Please shower prior
to using the hot tub.

"And lastly, no jumping on the bed.

"No jumping on the couch.

- "No jumping on..."
- We're not gonna be doing any jumping.

Let's go.

Aw, man, I got to go to the bathroom.

What's with all the secrecy?

- Are you scared of your chauffeur?
- She's a cop,

and I'm her prisoner.

Oh, my God, that is so hot.

Normally, I enjoy a little

cat-and-mousing when I romance a woman.

But I needed this stripper
to fall in love with me fast.

From the second I saw you,

I knew there was something between us.

I felt it, too.

It was like a thunderbolt.

I wish we could be together.

I mean, we could if you...

No, I should go.

If... If I what?

If you help me escape.

I've got a suitcase full of
cash stashed in my apartment.

If you can bring it back here

and follow a few simple instructions,

you and I could be making
love on a Mexican beach.

I'm in.

This is unbelievable. Unbelievable!

I don't know why you're being a dick.

Maybe because I invited you up here
for the weekend, so we can work on

our marriage, and you brought
a date and you brought a date.

Well, if you didn't want me
to bring a guest, you should

have been more specific in your text.
Stop using so many emojis.

- It makes you look like a pussy.
- I was trying to...

You're trying to make me yell, look
like a monster in front of Bryce.

- I'm not gonna play your game.
- No, you'll play your own game

and try to look cooler than me
by getting our son a crossbow.

By the way, that's about to backfire.


Dad, he hit the bull's-eye!

You can't even hit the target.

Where'd you meet this guy again?

At the archery range.


Oh, no!

Chubbys. We won't tell if you don't.

Yeah, we got a serious
problem with the toilet.

- It fell over.
- Oh, my.

Well, I'm so sorry to hear that.

These wrenches are expensive.
This is the biggest one

- I could fit down my pant.
- Shh!

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Hey, Kombucha, powder your clam.

You're working a double shift tonight.

My new boyfriend needs me.

I like this story.

You have a really good way with words.

Thanks! I majored in poetry.

Look at you... A poet gigolo.

Poet gigolo.

Yeah. I like that.

If they ever make my story into a movie,

- I'm gonna pitch that as a title.
- I have a cousin

who works at Disney.

In the park, but I bet he knows someone.

Anyway, where were we?

Sorry about this.

Hopefully we can get your
potty back up on its feet.

Hey, Dad.

Yes, everything is fine,

except plumbing issues.

No, I didn't drink milk. I'm
talking about the house.

No, the owner's here,

and she's trying to fix it.

Some stripper.

No, you're right.

You're right. I...

I-I'll get rid of her.

You know what?

We'll just use the bathroom
upstairs. You can go.

Oh, okay.

Well, if you have any more problems,
feel free to give me a call.

I'll be at Chubbys...

All night.

You can watch TV for a
while if you want...

Anything but "American Horror Story."

That shit is dumb as hell.

Um, I think I might brush my teeth.

Sink still works, right?

I assume so, yep.

Hey, Dad. It's me.

Yeah, I know it's been a while.

No, no, don't have Mom jump on.
I need to ask you a question.

No, I can't talk louder. I'm...

At a library.

Hey, you remember the time you
accidentally knocked me out

with a softball bat when I was 7?

Yeah, do you remember
how hard you hit me,

do you know,

knock me out but not kill me?

Was it...

Hi, Mom.

No, I hadn't heard about Aunt Rose.

'Cause I'm at a library!

Is that a sonnet?

No. Maybe. Why?

You just don't see a lot
of people writing sonnets,

- that's all.
- I... I-It's not really...

Sometimes I... I like to
write down my feelings.

I minored in poetry, so...

How'd you know it was a sonnet?

I majored in poetry. Let's hear it.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

"As darkness falls upon my story,

"is all my triumph in the past?

"When I look back on all the glory,

"did I answer what my heart asked?

"A journey started with a shout,

"slowly turned into a whisper.

"Regrets are had without a doubt,

"wishing the end could be crisper.

"Are the hopes and dreams of fools

"just windmills in the distance?

"Silly dreams for stubborn mules,

"on the path of least resistance?

"If so, I hope the end comes quick

"and no one asks me why

"I didn't chase my windmills,

"'cause I fear I might just cry."

You don't understand it, so...

Of course I do.

"As darkness falls upon my story"...

It's about getting older. And
then it goes into how your job

has become more routine, less exciting.

"A journey started with a shout,
slowly turned into a whisper."

But then you ask the question,

"Am I wrong to expect more out of life?"

Or "Are the hopes and
dreams of fools just

windmills in the distance?"

It's good.

I don't like the end, though.

It's too sad.

You have two lines left in your sonnet

to choose any ending you
like, and you went so dark.

I don't see darkness
in you. I see light.

And there - my first seven.

Okay, so, I just had sex
with the cop, right?

Scratch that... We made love.

I might have to see if
we can delay the trial

so we can stay up here
a couple of extra days.

I'm sorry. Uh...

- What are you doing?
- Escaping. Again,

- so sorry.
- You used me?

No, I didn't. I promise.

Look, I'm really sorry about this.

It's not everyday I meet
someone who shares

my passion for poetry.
I actually like you.

That never happens with the
women I take advantage of,

that I stole but right now
there's a suitcase full of cash

from my drug-dealing
ex-girlfriend being guarded by

a stripper named Tickles,
so I've got to go.

I'm sorry.


"The top of the bedpost in

"the downstairs bedroom is loose.

"If it falls off, just put it back."


Oh, my God. Okay.


Jessica, wait!

Please, don't go.

I promise I won't talk about
you bringing a date anymore.

And, look, I bought us dinner.

We'll take ours to go.

That bag's just chopsticks and napkins.

Please, you're being crazy.

I only see my son every two weeks.

And who's fault is that? Asshole!

I think this is the slippery
shrimp and orange chicken.

You can be a real bitch
sometimes, you know that?

Sometimes I wish I never met you!

Hey, Daddy didn't mean
to yell. That's not who I am.

Uh... I'll see you in a
couple weeks, okay, buddy?

Hey, I'm gonna practice that crossbow!


come on inside.

Checkbook's in the house.

How's the methadone?

It's not as good as heroin.

What the hell happened?

He attacked me with a wrench.

You were right. I never should
have let the owner of the house in.

I think he's headed to a bikini bar.

I'm sending backup. Don't
go there until they arrive.

Dad, I can do this alone.

What do you mean you're
"Giving me the club?"

I'm leaving the country.

Rent's due on the first of the month.

Oh, and the beer distributor's
been giving me a discount

'cause I blew him in a parking lot,

but you'll probably have
to start paying full price.

Unless he swings both ways.

It's possible. He did cry afterwards.

Yeah, I'm gonna pay full price.

But do I have to keep it a bikini bar?

'Cause I always thought we
could do better as a sports bar.

Do whatever you want. I'll
be making love on a beach.

Aw, nuts.

This'll be a lot easier if you
just tell me where he is.

I told you. I don't know where he is.

He couldn't have gotten far.

I'll be back.

The next time you see your boyfriend,

you'll be handcuffed to each
other on your way to jail.

Wait, wait!

Did he really tell you
he was my boyfriend?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell just happened?

You're surprised, right?

See, as soon as you got me
thinking this could be a movie,

I left out some stuff to make
the ending more unexpected.

Ah, a twist!

I love a good twist.

Of course you do.
Everyone loves a twist.

Are you going to tell
me what you left out?

Yeah, in a sec.

Everyone loves suspense, too.


Here's what I left out.


Oh, my God. Okay.


Jessica, wait!

Fine. If you got to shoot
me, then shoot me.

At least it'll be quicker than
whatever the cartel does to me.

Take me with you.


You said the ending of
my poem was too sad.

Help me write a new one.

"Riding into the sunset
with my brand-new honey

"and a suitcase full of
some drug dealer's money"

is a much better rhyme than

"Sitting all alone eating Lean Cuisine,

"watching 'Magic Mike'
while I diddle my bean."

My head and my heart,

they battle within, if
I don't find love now,

I have to ask when

will I ever find someone
as perfect as you?

But that stripper has my
money, so what can we do?

Please! I'm a cop with a badge,
she sells peeks at her vag.

I can get all your cash,
we'll be gone in a flash.

But in case we get caught,
I can't go to jail.

Of course.

So, the story must be

that you took me by force.

Now, that's a great ending.

Thanks. We didn't actually do

all that rhyming at the end, but
with the success of "Hamilton,"

I think I'm gonna put that in the movie.

Oh, I wouldn't. That shit is
starting to get really played out.

- Where's your girl?
- Oh,

we drove about 3 miles down the road,

and I ditched her at a truck stop.

Once I was free and had all my money,

I realized her poem kind of sucked.

How did you get down here?

Mm. I drove her car. Why?


You don't think they have a
way to track those, do you?

Another twist.

Another twist.

♪ When I see my baby ♪

... with that foolishness.

♪ What do I see? ♪

♪ Poetry ♪

♪ Poetry in motion ♪

♪ Poetry in motion ♪

♪ Walkin' by my side ♪

♪ Her lovely locomotion ♪

♪ Keeps my eyes open wide ♪

♪ Poetry in motion ♪

♪ See her gentle sway ♪

♪ A wave out on the ocean ♪

♪ Could never move that way ♪

♪ I love every movement ♪

♪ There's nothing I would change ♪

♪ She doesn't need improvement ♪

♪ She's much too nice to rearrange ♪

♪ Poetry in motion ♪

♪ Dancing close to me ♪

♪ A flower of devotion ♪

♪ A-swaying gracefully ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ♪

♪ whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh ♪

Hi. My name is Adam.

I'm here to get the
keys to Froggy Cottage.

I planned a surprise date.

Ooh. Mints.

Hmm. May I?

- Knock yourself out.
- Yeah?