The Guest Book (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Story One - full transcript

_

TIM: I'm in the middle of a crisis,

but I wanted to leave
some kind of record

in case things go sideways
and my plan doesn't work.

It all started about a week ago.

- [BABY CRYING]
- TIM: I'm looking! I promise!

Honey, I'm sorry, but her
stuffed lamb isn't in my car!

Besides, I have a class to
teach. I don't know what you

- expect me to do if I find it.
- Oh, I expect you to drive back here

and give it to your screeching
shit factory of a daughter

so she'll shut the hell up!



♪

[TOY SQUEAKS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY]

I'm sorry, honey. It's not here.

[CELLPHONE RINGING AND VIBRATING]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[RINGING AND VIBRATING CONTINUES]

All right, Newton's cradle,
named after Sir Isaac Newton,

demonstrates conservation
of momentum and energy

using a series of swinging spheres.

[POUNDING ON WINDOW]

You're a liar, Tim, and an asshole!

Kids, your teacher is
a liar and an asshole!



[BABY CRYING]

You guys might have a
substitute for the next few days.

♪ Wherever we go ♪

♪ That's fine by me ♪

♪ We'll settle our bones ♪

♪ Eventually ♪

♪ Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute ♪

♪ Just give me one day ♪

♪ Let's get, get, get away ♪

Realizing Sandy needed some
time away from the baby,

I found your cabin online and
left our daughter with my parents

so Sandy could get
some much-needed rest.

♪

I'm not promising to have
sex with you up here.

No one said anything about sex promises.

I just want you to get some sleep.

Oh, here you are. Tim Davidson.

Froggy Cottage. 3 bedrooms.
Feel free to use them all.

That's not why we're here.

- We're just here to get some rest.
- Oh, okay.

Well, it's... it's very quiet

and clean.

Emma just gave it the once-over.

That toilet downstairs
runs like a canyon,

so after you flush, you
gotta take the top off

and monkey around with the
chain and that bobber thing.

As long as you brought it up,

after you rest, I wouldn't
mind having sex

considering we haven't
done that in almost a year.

Ever since I gave birth, things
aren't the same down there.

Well, luckily for you, it's been
so long since I've seen it,

- I don't think I'll notice.
- Oh, you'll notice.

It looks like someone punched a lasagna.

Oh, if you like Italian food,
there's a place on Maple.

We prefer Chinese.

Wang's Tastey Delightful
is the best on the mountain.

Our nephew does the deliveries.

Don't tip him, though.
He'll just use it for drugs.

Claims he's clean, but
you tell me what man

misplaces his car
'less he's on the ganja.

Here you go.

[CROAKING SOUND]

Froggy Cottage.

Personally, I thought your place
had a lovely mountain charm,

but Sandy is a little tougher to please.

- Okay.
- [SNIFFS]

Smells dusty, musty,

or rusty in here.

Something "usty," for sure.
Maybe we should just go home.

It'll be fine. I'll open a window.

[SIGHS]

[BOY SHOUTING PLAYFULLY]

SANDY: What the hell?!
Are you shitting me?!

- Tim!
- Shh! Shh! Hey.

There's a little kid over there

having a Cat Stevens
moment with his dad.

Tell me you packed my humidifier.

Is it news to you that
I have a sinus condition,

that I can't sleep
without my humidifier?

No, it's not news to me.

I knew this weekend wasn't about sleep.

I bet you didn't forget
condoms, did you?

I bet you didn't forget

that edible lube you like,
makes your balls taste

like strawberries grown
in Chernobyl, did you?

Did you, Tim? Huh?!

The flavor's actually mixed berry.

Okay, go long, buddy.

We got a dehumidifier.

Want me to see if it
has a reverse button?

It needs to be a Boneco 7135.

They sell them at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Is there a Bed, Bath & Beyond nearby?

You ever heard of something

called a Bed, Bath and... What was it?

- Beyond.
- Beyond?

EMMA: There's one in Winksville.

Oh. There's one in Winksville.

- It's about an hour drive.
- An hour.

- Honey, maybe you could, like...
- [KEYS CLATTER]

Now, I had every intention
to get the humidifier

safely back up to the cabin
as fast as I possibly could.

- _
- [BRAKES SCREECH]

♪

But then something came up.

♪

I'm not normally a
strip club kind of guy,

but maybe it was the
picture of the girl on the sign

or maybe I just wanted to
stand in front of a woman

who wasn't going to yell at me.

Whatever it was, it
was calling the shots.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON LOUDSPEAKER]

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪

[PINBALL MACHINE CLANKS]

♪

[WHISPERS] Bucha! Come on.

Gentlemen,

recently back from maternity leave,

put your hands

together for Kombucha!

Let her earn it!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪

[PINBALL MACHINE DINGING AND CLACKING]

♪ Shake it up, shake it up ♪ Sing it.

♪ Shake it up, shake it up ♪ Sing.

Am I on?

♪ Shake it up, shake it up ♪ Sing.

♪ Shake it up, shake it up ♪ Sing.

♪ Shake it up, shake it up ♪

♪

Hi. I'm Tickles.

Hello, Tickles.

♪

Um, the girl on the
billboard working today?

Sweetheart, the girl on the billboard

is a model from NYC City.

We're mountain dancers.

Come on. Why don't you treat yourself

to a private dance in the VIP room

with a mountain dancer?

[WHISPERS] Full bush.

♪ Shake it up. Shake it up, shake it up ♪

[DOOR CREAKS]

Sit down, Tiger.

She gave me a nickname
right away... "Tiger."

Up until that point,
the closest a woman has

- ever come to calling me Tiger,
- [DOOR CLOSES]

was when my wife called me
a pussy at my uncle's funeral.

I had never had a lap dance before,

so I was basically following her
lead so I didn't look like an idiot.

[MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED]

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Yeah.

[CHAIR CREAKS]

[WHISPERS] Do you like feet, Tiger?

I love feet. I have no
idea why I said that.

Not that I have anything against feet

- [HEELS CLATTER]
- but I certainly don't love them.

Hopefully, it was just an
innocent conversation starter.

It wasn't.

♪

[DOOR CREAKS, SWITCH CLICKS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[RUSTLING]

[CLANKING]

I don't want to get into too much detail

- [SWITCH CLICKS]
- about what happened

during the next seven or eight minutes,

but I can tell you this...

It involved feet, and
I'm not proud of it.

♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

I can see her! I can
see our mom in there!

- I want to sell you something, bro.
- No, thank you.

I-I think you're gonna want to buy this.

It's a one-of-a-kind video, Tiger.

- What's on the tape?
- Not much.

Just everything you did in the VIP room.

Shit.

You don't look so good.
You need to sit down, Tiger?

- Okay, stop calling me Tiger.
- Oh, you prefer

I call you something else?

Foot-sniffer? Foot-licker?

- Athlete's dick.
- Okay,

I don't even like feet. I was
just being polite to Tickles.

Yeah, and I appreciate you
being nice to my stepmother.

Look, man, I'm not trying
to make trouble for you.

I just want to sell you the
tape. I'll be on my way.

- How much?
- 700 bucks.

- Seven hund...
- [KNOCK ON WINDOW]

Look. I think I have 30
bucks on me. It's all yours.

- Just please take it and leave. Please.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Mmm! Fried chicken?

Color me jealous! My cholesterol's
sky-high. Can't do it.

Enjoy it, though! Good for you.

Please take it. Take it.
Please, please, please?

- Come on, man.
- What's going on?

Oh, hi!

Look at you, all clean...
Clean as a whistle.

[WHISTLES]

Who's this?

[STOPS WHISTLING, SNIFFS]

Maintenance guy...
He just wanted to stop by,

make sure that everything's working.

Oh, you got, like right...

[LOWERED VOICE]
Go in the house, and take

- anything you want. Anything.
- Yeah.

He's nice.

The shower pressure's for shit.

Yeah, I think he's more of like
an appliance/electronics guy.

He's just gonna... [INHALES DEEPLY]

you know, make sure
everything's up to snuff.

And if not, he's gonna take it with him

and then bring back better stuff later.

Whatever.

I want to open another bottle of wine.

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES, BOX THUDS]

- Okay, why didn't you take anything?
- Like what...

The world's first microwave,

that old as hell combination TV-VCR,

one of the myriad of
ceramic frog statuettes?

- Did you just use the word "myriad"?
- Yeah.

Why? Did I use it wrong?

- No, you used it right.
- Sweet.

Look, I don't know
what else to tell you.

I have no cash.

Well then, it looks like
me and your wife

are gonna find out if that
combination TV-VCR works.

♪

Tiger, what did you do that for?

You know exactly why I did that.

Now you can't blackmail me!
No tape, no blackmail!

[SIGHS]

- Yeah!
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[UNDER BREATH] That was some
Jason Statham shit right there!

I'm-a be back later tonight
with another copy of the tape.

That should give you
time to run to the bank.

And I want $2,000 this time.

[VEHICLE DEPARTS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Forgot the doughnuts.

My ex-wife won't let our son have them,

so it's our little secret
on my weekends.

I'd give anything for
a doughnut right now!

[UNDER BREATH] And an ex-wife.

My only choice was to figure out

how to convince Sandy to leave

before the guy with the tape came back.

♪

SANDY: Hey, Timmy.
[SINGSONGY] Lasagna's ready!

Did you see the way that
guy looked at me, Tim?

He didn't look at me like a mother.

He looked at me like a piece of ass.

You're still married
to a piece of ass, Tim.

Why don't you come over here
and cut yourself off a slice?

Now, I knew the clock was ticking,

but who knows when she was
going to be in the mood again?

And we hadn't had sex in over a year,

which we more than made up for.

♪ Mr. Frog went a-courtin' and
he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Mr. Frog went
a-courtin' and he did ride ♪

♪ A sword and a pistol
by his side, uh-huh ♪

[SANDY MOANING]

♪ Rode up to Miss Mousey's door ♪

♪ Where he had often been before ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
- [CLATTER]

And just for the heck of it,
I even tried some feet stuff.

Ow. Okay, I think I'm done.

She didn't like it.

[BOTH SIGH]

- That was fun, right?
- It was great.

And now I can sleep. Oh!

I'm gonna put my night guard in.

Mmm.

[WINE GLASS THUDS]

Will you fill up the humidifier for me?

Sure.

And that's when I realized
that while my erection

might be going away, the
guy with the tape wasn't.

♪

And then it hit me...

The perfect plan.

[LISPING] What the hell do you mean,

- you drank all the bottled water?
- I'm sorry.

- The sex made me thirsty.
- [SCOFFS]

I filled it up in the
bathtub. Is that okay?

No, it's not!

You know I refuse to breathe tap water!

I know. I'm sorry.

- Maybe we should go home.
- How are we supposed to do that, Tim?

- We've both been drinking.
- Well, you've been drinking.

- I haven't been drinking.
- You had a glass of wine.

- I had one glass. I don't think...
- You're a lightweight, Tim!

I can't let you get
behind the wheel of a car

and hit someone, go to jail,
and get to sleep all day

while I raise that screaming
banshee you planted in my twat!

Would it kill you to
simply say "vagina"?

I mean, you're college-educated.

Honey, no no no, no. No, no.

Do... Don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't open...

Finally! I ordered Chinese.

You don't happen to have any
bottled water with you, do you?

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, honey, you have your night guard in,

- so it's kind of hard to understand...
- [NIGHT GUARD CLACKS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Bottled water.
Do you have any bottled water?

- Not unless you ordered it.
- [SIGHS]

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to walk forwards

until I find a store
that sells bottled water!

Breathing tap water.
What is this, Haiti?

I'll get your money.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[FLAME CRACKLES]

[EXHALES]

[CRASH]

[SANDY YELLS]

[ANIMALS HOWLING AND HOOTING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

So here I am,

getting ready to execute my latest plan.

If I could just buy myself a few hours,

I could convince Sandy I was
sober enough to drive home.

But the guy would be
back with the tape soon,

and this time, he would be ready
for me to try and smash it again,

so I searched all over
your cabin for a weapon.

♪

The only way I was going
to overpower this guy

was to use the element of surprise.

So, taking a page out of
Sir Isaac Newton's book,

I made my own cradle.

When this ball hits his
balls, he'll drop the tape.

Then I'll scurry down
and smash it again.

That should buy me some more time.

Anyway, I'm writing all this
down in your guest book

so you can give it to the
police in case he kills me.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hello?

♪

Oh, shit.

[WHISPERS] Hey.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[LIPS FLAPPING]

Okay.

[BIRD CONTINUES CALLING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[SIGHS]

♪

Oh, boy. Okay.

All right.

[SLURRING] Timmy! There's my Timmy!

Oh, my God, the guy at the
store was totally hitting on me!

He said my tits were leaking,

but how would he know
my tits were leaking

if he wasn't looking
right at 'em, right?

- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
- I am on fire!

- [LAUGHS]
- Mm.

All right. Whoa!

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Mmm! [SMOOCHING]

So, in the end, things turned out okay.

I was able to put your bowling-ball
lamp back the way it was.

The owl was a little trickier.

This turned out to be exactly the
weekend my wife and I needed.

Thanks for sharing your home with us.

- Your pal, John.
- [SEATBELT CLICKS]

- P.S.: That's not my real name.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

["I NEED NEVER GET OLD" PLAYS]

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

FRANK: Shit! [POUNDING ON TRUNK]

♪ Can we be there ♪

♪ Oh, just think of the time ♪

♪ Thought of love so strange ♪

♪ Said you never knew ♪

♪ While I try my best ♪

♪ To cover our eyes ♪

♪ It's a common way to
blame and hide the truth ♪

♪ I know that some will say ♪

♪ It matters but little, babe ♪

♪ Aw, but come on and mean it to me ♪

♪ I need it so bad ♪

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

- _
- ♪ I needed to try ♪

♪ I needed it so ♪

♪ I needed your love, I'm burning away ♪

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- ♪ I need never get old ♪

Hello.

Oh, hi.

We're here to pick up the
keys for Froggy Cottage.

- Oh. Of course.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKS]

Let me, uh...

Let me find your reservations.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

JEFF: Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

- We could go to jail, you know.
- Don't get soft on me now, Jeff.

We've got some heavy
lifting for the Lord to do.

Our son is not marrying an atheist.

- Okey doke.
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]