The Green Man (1990): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
(Birdsong)
- (Humming) Good afternoon.
- Mm. That looks nice, Mr Allington.
- Yes, doesn't it?
- We thought we'd walk round the village.
- Far too nice to be indoors.
- It is indeed, it is indeed.
(# Come Up And See Me Sometime)
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
# I believe that everyone in life
should have a mission
# Making people happy
is the height of my ambition
# When I get them happy,
well, they stay in that condition
# I have a system all my own
# I've got a lot, a lot of what I've got
# And what I've got's all mine
(Car horn beeps)
# And I assure you
I can cure you if you're feeling blue
# Come up and see me sometime
# I got a flat where you can hang your hat
# And I've got a brand-new line
# And maybe you would like me
to explain it all to you
# Come up and see me sometime
# If you can take it
# Come up and see me sometime
# Will you, toots? #
(Knock on door)
Well, he's a very old tom cat
with a very mangy tail.
- Hello, ladies.
- Oh, Maurice. How lovely to see you.
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Yes.
- This is nice. You've been terribly busy.
- I just thought I'd set the scene.
Do you know, my aunt had a bed
exactly like that. Just the same colours.
- I chose those colours.
- Did you? Very well chosen.
- Ooh, champagne! How lovely.
- Yes, I thought we could have some later.
Sounds good.
Right.
I think it would be really rather nice
if we had some champagne now.
Champagne now.
Which way did you come?
I came the way I usually come.
Down the high street.
Not down that street with the White Horse pub?
- I don't know that way.
- It's a short cut. I'll show you sometime.
Will you? Thank you.
I got here as fast I could, of course.
- Love your earrings.
- Do you? Jack gave them to me. (Giggles)
- Oh!
- Ooh!
(Snorting and giggling)
(Diana) Do you know, I was wondering
the other day if I should get a pair of glasses.
(Joyce) Do you get headaches?
I don't get headaches, but do you
get more short-sighted as you get older?
- Long-sighted. I'm long-sighted.
- I might be all right, then.
- Champagne.
- (Both) Thank you.
To us.
- To us.
- Cheers.
(Joyce) Mmm...
Well, what do you want us to do now?
Well, I thought that for a start,
we could, er...we could all take our clothes off.
Mmm. What a good idea.
(Diana) That's right.
Hurry up, Maurice, for God's sake.
- Isn't he slow?
- We're waiting.
Here we are. Here we are.
Here we are.
- Diana?
- What's the matter, Maurice?
Oh, that's lovely.
Hey, could, er... Could you just...
Listen, if you just move a little bit, then I can...
I'd like to... I'd like to get in the middle.
Can I get in the middle?
- Maurice wants to get in the middle.
- We don't want him in the middle, do we?
There's nothing for me to do.
Maurice hasn't got anything to do.
Well, he could bring the champagne over here.
Maurice? Get the champagne.
Shh.
(Laughter continues)
- (Door opens)
- Whoops!
The champagne is just there,
should you require it.
(Joyce) Bye-bye, Maurice.
(# Sonia:: Counting Every Single Minute
playing faintly)
(Joyce and Diana laughing)
- Too hot for anything, really.
- Yeah.
# Cos I'll soon be by your side
# Counting every single minute
# Every second, every hour too
# Counting every single minute
(Dogs bark and music slows down)
(Shouts)
If you'd like to sit down,
we could have a bit of a talk.
We're outside ordinary time in here
so that we won't be interrupted.
I thought things would look better
if I arranged them like this.
Are you a messenger?
Oh, no. I decided to come in person.
Please get up.
May I, er...offer you a drink?
Why not? I am fully corporeal.
I was going to warn you against making the
mistake of supposing I came from your mind.
But you've saved me the trouble.
I'll join you in a small Scotch, if I may.
Is this, er...some kind of test?
- Water?
- No, thanks.
No. Why should it be?
You must know I don't work that way.
Cheers.
But this isn't just a social call.
- What is it, then?
- I like to make these trips every so often.
You're being mean, Maurice.
Don't forget I know what everybody thinks.
- I know you don't entirely believe.
- Why have you chosen me?
Because you're a good security risk.
Ah. Drunk. Seeing ghosts, half off my head.
And not what anyone would take for a saint
or a mystic or anything. I do have to be careful.
You make up all the rules, don't you?
It's because I make the rules
that I can't do just anything I like.
Now. I want to talk to you about Underhill.
I want you to be very careful.
- Steer clear of him?
- Certainly not.
He's dangerous
but I want you to stand up to him.
Er... I'm not sure that I'll do what you want.
I can be very hard on those
who don't behave as I feel they should.
So it's all just a game.
Yes.
It took me some time to discover what I was
and what I could do.
Some of it's exciting.
How about making life less hard for people
for a start?
No prospect of that, I'm afraid.
I must be off.
I've been self-indulgent already.
But one bit of advice.
Use the church where appropriate.
Your priest
has certain techniques at his disposal.
Well, thanks for the whisky.
In return, is there any brief question
I can answer for you?
- Is there an afterlife?
- Hmm...
You might call it that,
though it's not what you think it is.
But you'll never be free of me.
Now, do you want to remember all this or...
- Yes, I do.
- All right.
But keep it to yourself, Maurice.
We'll meet again.
Oh...
A little keepsake.
Beware of imitations.
Au revoir.
(Dogs bark, pop music plays)
Amy, what time is it?
- 20 past four.
- By your watch.
As I said before, 21 minutes past four.
20 to five. It was 19 minutes.
- Do you think I'd lie about the time now?
- No, no. I wanted it just right.
- Give me a hand, would you?
- What have you lost?
Well, it's kind of a...silver thing.
You know. It's under here somewhere.
Little thingumajig.
Do...
I've got it.
- Is that it?
- That's it.
That's it.
Lucy? Lucy?
Tonight,
try and get everybody in bed by midnight.
I know you can't force them, but do your best.
I'm gonna ask David to try and get
all the clients off the premises by then.
- You're going to meet him.
- Yes, I am.
Are you sure? Wouldn't you like a witness?
He won't come if there's anyone else.
- You will tell me everything that happens?
- Absolutely.
Take good care.
(Joyce laughs)
- We're just off for a drink in the village.
- And then we might go out to dinner.
- When will you back?
- Not sure. Does it matter?
Don't wait up.
- Are there customers left in the dining room?
- It's still quite busy, Mr Allington.
- An early night after my father's funeral.
- Yes, of course. I understand.
- Try and get it locked up by 11:30.
- Yes, I'll manage that.
Shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(Man wheezing)
(Chimes)
Your brandies, gentlemen.
And may I present you with the bill?
Not yet. I think we may want several of these,
don't you?
- Since you're paying.
- Oi. We've just been looking you up
in The Good Food Guide.
''In an area which is surprisingly sparse
in good, country restaurants,
''here is a genuine delight.''
- No, it isn't. Not ten miles from Cambridge.
- Feels more like 50.
There's been an inn on this site
since the Middle Ages
from which parts of the present building dates.
Early Disneyland.
''There is or was at least one ghost.
''Mr Allington
will tell its story to the interested...''
- Oh, goody, goody!
- ''..and be your candid guide to the menu.''
- So...
- So what?
- We're interested.
- In your story.
I think that must be a mistake.
- It can't be a mistake. It's in the guide.
- It's far too late to tell any stories now.
Listen, it says here
that you're a genial and accomplished host.
- Is that a mistake too?
- Maybe the bill's a mistake as well.
You're right, sir. The bill is a mistake.
An absolute and utter mistake.
Allow me to pay
for your entire meal this evening.
- What are you doing?
- There you are. Thank you and good night.
(Church bell tolling)
I am come as I said I would.
You have our silver friend about you.
Be so good as to place it on the table.
Now...
I propose to entertain you.
May I ask a question?
Why have you chosen me to assist you,
or whatever it is you want me to do?
How have I chosen you? Well, it is you
that have each time come in search of me.
Now I have done.
Follow me.
There are marvels in store.
Is it not wondrous?
And does it not please you?
Do you see what I can do?
And there's more.
Mmm...
(Water splashes)
Underhill!
(Maurice) Amy.
Amy.
Amy.
(Maurice's voice) Amy.
(Maurice's voice) Amy.
(Amy, echoing) Daddy?
- Daddy?
- (Window banging)
Daddy?
(Amy) Daddy, where are you?
Amy!
Amy!
Amy!
Amy!
Amy, run!
Amy!
(Screaming)
(Screaming)
(Women screaming)
(Maurice) What could she have been doing
in the middle of the night?
Pretending to sleepwalk, probably.
A lot of kids do it.
Trying to get a bit of attention from someone,
I should imagine.
Funny injury, though.
So, how are you?
Oh, not so bad.
Any more little birds?
Well, I'll be off, then.
Listen, you bastard. I don't mind people enjoying
themselves any way they like within reason,
but screwing up other people's lives
is a different matter, Maurice.
As your doctor and as your friend,
I treat you with respect.
And, in return, you exaggerate
your drink problem and make it with my wife.
And if there's two things I cannot stand,
it's hypocrites and actors.
You understand me? Yes, you do.
Dad?
How are you?
- Was I sleepwalking?
- Perhaps.
People do.
Was there a man chasing me?
No.
You were dreaming.
I don't think I was, was I?
No.
Amy, it was real.
Thanks, Dad.
You bastard.
(# Gospel music)
- Hello.
- Hello. Is the rector at home?
- Who are you?
- I'm one of his parishioners.
- His what?
- Parishioners.
One of the people who live in his parish.
I'm one of his flock.
(Sonnenschein) Gary, who is it?
Good morning, Reverend. May I come in?
Maurice Allington.
- Ah, Mr Allington. Come on in.
- Thank you.
- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.
Take a pew.
- Now, what's the trouble?
- You sound like a real rector.
Well, there are two things really.
Firstly, the seventh centenary
of the foundation of my house The Green Man
falls next month.
- Perhaps you're familiar with parish records.
- A little.
I thought I'd like to throw a big party
to celebrate the event.
- A party?
- Ask anybody you like. Gary?
Could I invite my bishop? He's an old sweetie.
You can invite the moderator
of the Free Church of Scotland if you like.
- I'll send you a formal invitation.
- Terrific.
Secondly, I'd like you to do an exorcism for me.
- I'm sorry?
- An exorcism.
- It's a religious ritual to get rid of ghosts.
- You're joking.
I'm serious.
- Not still going on about ghosts? Really?
- Really. Otherwise I wouldn't bother you.
You don't honestly think some religious
mumbo jumbo's gonna have any effect?
I'd like to give it a try. I'd be very grateful
if you'd just run through the service for me.
Well, I could find out
who the diocesan exorcist is.
- What, each diocese has its own exorcist?
- Yes.
I'll go and look up his number for you.
There's no time. It has to be done now.
I want it done now, so you'll have to do it.
It's upsetting to find an educated man
carrying on like this.
It is, yes.
Do you need any special paraphernalia?
- For goodness' sake!
- This is an emergency.
I suppose if one's going to do it,
one might as well do it properly.
I'll go and get the goodies.
Right.
Right, then I've got to bless the mixture.
Erm... Almighty Father, look with mercy
on this, your creature of salt and water,
and of your loving kindness sanctified.
Wherever it shall be sprinkled
with the invocation of your holy name,
may the attacks of evil spirits be repelled
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen. Right. Now I can start the exorcism.
Start. Come on. Soon as you're ready.
(Underhill) What are you about?
Would you destroy me?
I offer you the way of great riches.
- Go on, Vicar. Start it, start it.
- (Vicar) Right.
I exorcise all influence and seeds of evil
in the name of the Father and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost.
I lay upon them the power of God's holy church
that they may be bound first with chains
and cast into outer darkness
until the day of repentance and judgment.
(Underhill) I shall be nothing?
I am denied repentance?
Can one man do this to another?
I offer you the power of self-perpetuation.
I'll teach you peace of mind.
(Screaming)
(Screaming)
(Exorcism prayer continues, indistinct)
Deliver this house from all evil spirits,
all vain imaginations and phantasms...
(Maurice) He's going, he's going!
- (Vicar) Sorry, did you say something?
- Go on, go on!
- No, are you all right?
- Yes. Is there much more?
Just a couple of sentences.
Er... Visit, O Lord, we beseech thee,
this room.
Let the holy angels dwell herein
to preserve us in peace,
and may thy blessing be on us for evermore.
Through Jesus Christ Our Lord...
amen.
Right. That's it.
Are you feeling any better?
Yes.
- Did you feel anything?
- Er... No, nothing.
Maurice?
If you have a minute, I need to talk to you.
Well, I was going...going...
- Well, I'll... Just give me a second.
- Fine.
What is it?
I'm quitting, Maurice.
Er... Any particular reason?
Yes, I...I can't keep trying.
- Trying what? Trying to do what?
- To love you, Maurice. You won't let me.
You have your ideas about things
and they'll always be the same.
It's no use trying to love someone
when they're doing something else.
- This week...
- Has been no different from any other
as far as I'm concerned!
I don't know what you think about people.
You don't say but you go on as if
they're all in the way.
Except for sex, and that's just
to get them out of the way for a bit.
How the hell could you ask me
to come to bed with you and Diana?
- I thought you enjoyed it.
- I did. It was wonderful.
But you lied to both of us.
That's so disrespectful.
Diana's my friend.
We're...
We're... We're going to London,
and to hell with you and Jack.
- So that's what Jack was talking about.
- Don't smirk. It's not sex.
Of course that's how it strikes you.
It's about being with someone.
Well... What about Amy?
She won't miss me that much.
If we'd ever felt like a family,
if we'd ever had a child of our own,
perhaps that would have made us last.
Look, darling...
suppose...
suppose that I made a real effort.
Mm?
Mm?
Mm?
No, an effort's no good, Maurice.
You'd soon forget to make it.
I'm really sorry, Joyce.
Would you please go now?
The vicar's waiting for you.
Please.
(Sonnenschein) Just a minute.
Where are we going?
(Maurice) Another call to make.
Exorcism again. In the wood up there.
You want me to do a wood?
What an extraordinary place.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Holy water.
Right. Do you want me to do it over this?
Yes, please.
In the name of the Father and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost,
I command you, unclean spirits,
depart from this place.
Remember, thou accursed spirit,
your sentence and your judgment.
(Thunder rumbles)
Remember the day to be at hand
wherein you shall burn in fire everlasting.
I command thee in the authority of Christ
to go now to thy appointed place.
Look out!
- Help!
- Hold on.
Help!
Help!
(Gasping)
- You all right?
- I think so.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
My God.
I've never been so terrified in all my life.
Oh... Come on. Let's get out of here quickly.
Oh, God. What the hell do you think it was?
What was it?
You've not had much luck with your wives,
have you, Dad?
Maybe that's because
you don't give them enough treats.
I've worked out what we'll do.
I'm 14. I'm quite good at cooking already.
I can learn more by watching in the kitchen.
(Maurice) Things have sorted themselves out
after a fashion, or some things have.
I can still feel my heart beating, moving to the
point where it starts to flutter and stumble.
- We can start to do things like the accounts.
- Oh, I'm not much good.
I'm sentimental, I'm insincere.
I keep promising to behave better
and I never do.
And tomorrow is another week,
and I've got to phone about the car insurance
and talk to the solicitor about Gramps' will.
And I've got to fetch the meat
and bank the takings.
And there's selling the place
and looking for another.
And, of course,
there's finding somebody to go to bed with.
I'm beginning to think
that death might offer something after all.
It'll be my means of getting away,
getting away for good from this body,
from this rather ruthless,
ineffective person that's me.
Much sooner than I could have expected,
I've come to believe
that there is something beyond death after all.
And, whatever it is,
I know I'll never be free of it.
But at least I'll be free of Maurice Allington.
(# Swing music)
(Chatter)
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
- (Humming) Good afternoon.
- Mm. That looks nice, Mr Allington.
- Yes, doesn't it?
- We thought we'd walk round the village.
- Far too nice to be indoors.
- It is indeed, it is indeed.
(# Come Up And See Me Sometime)
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
# I believe that everyone in life
should have a mission
# Making people happy
is the height of my ambition
# When I get them happy,
well, they stay in that condition
# I have a system all my own
# I've got a lot, a lot of what I've got
# And what I've got's all mine
(Car horn beeps)
# And I assure you
I can cure you if you're feeling blue
# Come up and see me sometime
# I got a flat where you can hang your hat
# And I've got a brand-new line
# And maybe you would like me
to explain it all to you
# Come up and see me sometime
# If you can take it
# Come up and see me sometime
# Will you, toots? #
(Knock on door)
Well, he's a very old tom cat
with a very mangy tail.
- Hello, ladies.
- Oh, Maurice. How lovely to see you.
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Yes.
- This is nice. You've been terribly busy.
- I just thought I'd set the scene.
Do you know, my aunt had a bed
exactly like that. Just the same colours.
- I chose those colours.
- Did you? Very well chosen.
- Ooh, champagne! How lovely.
- Yes, I thought we could have some later.
Sounds good.
Right.
I think it would be really rather nice
if we had some champagne now.
Champagne now.
Which way did you come?
I came the way I usually come.
Down the high street.
Not down that street with the White Horse pub?
- I don't know that way.
- It's a short cut. I'll show you sometime.
Will you? Thank you.
I got here as fast I could, of course.
- Love your earrings.
- Do you? Jack gave them to me. (Giggles)
- Oh!
- Ooh!
(Snorting and giggling)
(Diana) Do you know, I was wondering
the other day if I should get a pair of glasses.
(Joyce) Do you get headaches?
I don't get headaches, but do you
get more short-sighted as you get older?
- Long-sighted. I'm long-sighted.
- I might be all right, then.
- Champagne.
- (Both) Thank you.
To us.
- To us.
- Cheers.
(Joyce) Mmm...
Well, what do you want us to do now?
Well, I thought that for a start,
we could, er...we could all take our clothes off.
Mmm. What a good idea.
(Diana) That's right.
Hurry up, Maurice, for God's sake.
- Isn't he slow?
- We're waiting.
Here we are. Here we are.
Here we are.
- Diana?
- What's the matter, Maurice?
Oh, that's lovely.
Hey, could, er... Could you just...
Listen, if you just move a little bit, then I can...
I'd like to... I'd like to get in the middle.
Can I get in the middle?
- Maurice wants to get in the middle.
- We don't want him in the middle, do we?
There's nothing for me to do.
Maurice hasn't got anything to do.
Well, he could bring the champagne over here.
Maurice? Get the champagne.
Shh.
(Laughter continues)
- (Door opens)
- Whoops!
The champagne is just there,
should you require it.
(Joyce) Bye-bye, Maurice.
(# Sonia:: Counting Every Single Minute
playing faintly)
(Joyce and Diana laughing)
- Too hot for anything, really.
- Yeah.
# Cos I'll soon be by your side
# Counting every single minute
# Every second, every hour too
# Counting every single minute
(Dogs bark and music slows down)
(Shouts)
If you'd like to sit down,
we could have a bit of a talk.
We're outside ordinary time in here
so that we won't be interrupted.
I thought things would look better
if I arranged them like this.
Are you a messenger?
Oh, no. I decided to come in person.
Please get up.
May I, er...offer you a drink?
Why not? I am fully corporeal.
I was going to warn you against making the
mistake of supposing I came from your mind.
But you've saved me the trouble.
I'll join you in a small Scotch, if I may.
Is this, er...some kind of test?
- Water?
- No, thanks.
No. Why should it be?
You must know I don't work that way.
Cheers.
But this isn't just a social call.
- What is it, then?
- I like to make these trips every so often.
You're being mean, Maurice.
Don't forget I know what everybody thinks.
- I know you don't entirely believe.
- Why have you chosen me?
Because you're a good security risk.
Ah. Drunk. Seeing ghosts, half off my head.
And not what anyone would take for a saint
or a mystic or anything. I do have to be careful.
You make up all the rules, don't you?
It's because I make the rules
that I can't do just anything I like.
Now. I want to talk to you about Underhill.
I want you to be very careful.
- Steer clear of him?
- Certainly not.
He's dangerous
but I want you to stand up to him.
Er... I'm not sure that I'll do what you want.
I can be very hard on those
who don't behave as I feel they should.
So it's all just a game.
Yes.
It took me some time to discover what I was
and what I could do.
Some of it's exciting.
How about making life less hard for people
for a start?
No prospect of that, I'm afraid.
I must be off.
I've been self-indulgent already.
But one bit of advice.
Use the church where appropriate.
Your priest
has certain techniques at his disposal.
Well, thanks for the whisky.
In return, is there any brief question
I can answer for you?
- Is there an afterlife?
- Hmm...
You might call it that,
though it's not what you think it is.
But you'll never be free of me.
Now, do you want to remember all this or...
- Yes, I do.
- All right.
But keep it to yourself, Maurice.
We'll meet again.
Oh...
A little keepsake.
Beware of imitations.
Au revoir.
(Dogs bark, pop music plays)
Amy, what time is it?
- 20 past four.
- By your watch.
As I said before, 21 minutes past four.
20 to five. It was 19 minutes.
- Do you think I'd lie about the time now?
- No, no. I wanted it just right.
- Give me a hand, would you?
- What have you lost?
Well, it's kind of a...silver thing.
You know. It's under here somewhere.
Little thingumajig.
Do...
I've got it.
- Is that it?
- That's it.
That's it.
Lucy? Lucy?
Tonight,
try and get everybody in bed by midnight.
I know you can't force them, but do your best.
I'm gonna ask David to try and get
all the clients off the premises by then.
- You're going to meet him.
- Yes, I am.
Are you sure? Wouldn't you like a witness?
He won't come if there's anyone else.
- You will tell me everything that happens?
- Absolutely.
Take good care.
(Joyce laughs)
- We're just off for a drink in the village.
- And then we might go out to dinner.
- When will you back?
- Not sure. Does it matter?
Don't wait up.
- Are there customers left in the dining room?
- It's still quite busy, Mr Allington.
- An early night after my father's funeral.
- Yes, of course. I understand.
- Try and get it locked up by 11:30.
- Yes, I'll manage that.
Shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(Man wheezing)
(Chimes)
Your brandies, gentlemen.
And may I present you with the bill?
Not yet. I think we may want several of these,
don't you?
- Since you're paying.
- Oi. We've just been looking you up
in The Good Food Guide.
''In an area which is surprisingly sparse
in good, country restaurants,
''here is a genuine delight.''
- No, it isn't. Not ten miles from Cambridge.
- Feels more like 50.
There's been an inn on this site
since the Middle Ages
from which parts of the present building dates.
Early Disneyland.
''There is or was at least one ghost.
''Mr Allington
will tell its story to the interested...''
- Oh, goody, goody!
- ''..and be your candid guide to the menu.''
- So...
- So what?
- We're interested.
- In your story.
I think that must be a mistake.
- It can't be a mistake. It's in the guide.
- It's far too late to tell any stories now.
Listen, it says here
that you're a genial and accomplished host.
- Is that a mistake too?
- Maybe the bill's a mistake as well.
You're right, sir. The bill is a mistake.
An absolute and utter mistake.
Allow me to pay
for your entire meal this evening.
- What are you doing?
- There you are. Thank you and good night.
(Church bell tolling)
I am come as I said I would.
You have our silver friend about you.
Be so good as to place it on the table.
Now...
I propose to entertain you.
May I ask a question?
Why have you chosen me to assist you,
or whatever it is you want me to do?
How have I chosen you? Well, it is you
that have each time come in search of me.
Now I have done.
Follow me.
There are marvels in store.
Is it not wondrous?
And does it not please you?
Do you see what I can do?
And there's more.
Mmm...
(Water splashes)
Underhill!
(Maurice) Amy.
Amy.
Amy.
(Maurice's voice) Amy.
(Maurice's voice) Amy.
(Amy, echoing) Daddy?
- Daddy?
- (Window banging)
Daddy?
(Amy) Daddy, where are you?
Amy!
Amy!
Amy!
Amy!
Amy, run!
Amy!
(Screaming)
(Screaming)
(Women screaming)
(Maurice) What could she have been doing
in the middle of the night?
Pretending to sleepwalk, probably.
A lot of kids do it.
Trying to get a bit of attention from someone,
I should imagine.
Funny injury, though.
So, how are you?
Oh, not so bad.
Any more little birds?
Well, I'll be off, then.
Listen, you bastard. I don't mind people enjoying
themselves any way they like within reason,
but screwing up other people's lives
is a different matter, Maurice.
As your doctor and as your friend,
I treat you with respect.
And, in return, you exaggerate
your drink problem and make it with my wife.
And if there's two things I cannot stand,
it's hypocrites and actors.
You understand me? Yes, you do.
Dad?
How are you?
- Was I sleepwalking?
- Perhaps.
People do.
Was there a man chasing me?
No.
You were dreaming.
I don't think I was, was I?
No.
Amy, it was real.
Thanks, Dad.
You bastard.
(# Gospel music)
- Hello.
- Hello. Is the rector at home?
- Who are you?
- I'm one of his parishioners.
- His what?
- Parishioners.
One of the people who live in his parish.
I'm one of his flock.
(Sonnenschein) Gary, who is it?
Good morning, Reverend. May I come in?
Maurice Allington.
- Ah, Mr Allington. Come on in.
- Thank you.
- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.
Take a pew.
- Now, what's the trouble?
- You sound like a real rector.
Well, there are two things really.
Firstly, the seventh centenary
of the foundation of my house The Green Man
falls next month.
- Perhaps you're familiar with parish records.
- A little.
I thought I'd like to throw a big party
to celebrate the event.
- A party?
- Ask anybody you like. Gary?
Could I invite my bishop? He's an old sweetie.
You can invite the moderator
of the Free Church of Scotland if you like.
- I'll send you a formal invitation.
- Terrific.
Secondly, I'd like you to do an exorcism for me.
- I'm sorry?
- An exorcism.
- It's a religious ritual to get rid of ghosts.
- You're joking.
I'm serious.
- Not still going on about ghosts? Really?
- Really. Otherwise I wouldn't bother you.
You don't honestly think some religious
mumbo jumbo's gonna have any effect?
I'd like to give it a try. I'd be very grateful
if you'd just run through the service for me.
Well, I could find out
who the diocesan exorcist is.
- What, each diocese has its own exorcist?
- Yes.
I'll go and look up his number for you.
There's no time. It has to be done now.
I want it done now, so you'll have to do it.
It's upsetting to find an educated man
carrying on like this.
It is, yes.
Do you need any special paraphernalia?
- For goodness' sake!
- This is an emergency.
I suppose if one's going to do it,
one might as well do it properly.
I'll go and get the goodies.
Right.
Right, then I've got to bless the mixture.
Erm... Almighty Father, look with mercy
on this, your creature of salt and water,
and of your loving kindness sanctified.
Wherever it shall be sprinkled
with the invocation of your holy name,
may the attacks of evil spirits be repelled
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen. Right. Now I can start the exorcism.
Start. Come on. Soon as you're ready.
(Underhill) What are you about?
Would you destroy me?
I offer you the way of great riches.
- Go on, Vicar. Start it, start it.
- (Vicar) Right.
I exorcise all influence and seeds of evil
in the name of the Father and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost.
I lay upon them the power of God's holy church
that they may be bound first with chains
and cast into outer darkness
until the day of repentance and judgment.
(Underhill) I shall be nothing?
I am denied repentance?
Can one man do this to another?
I offer you the power of self-perpetuation.
I'll teach you peace of mind.
(Screaming)
(Screaming)
(Exorcism prayer continues, indistinct)
Deliver this house from all evil spirits,
all vain imaginations and phantasms...
(Maurice) He's going, he's going!
- (Vicar) Sorry, did you say something?
- Go on, go on!
- No, are you all right?
- Yes. Is there much more?
Just a couple of sentences.
Er... Visit, O Lord, we beseech thee,
this room.
Let the holy angels dwell herein
to preserve us in peace,
and may thy blessing be on us for evermore.
Through Jesus Christ Our Lord...
amen.
Right. That's it.
Are you feeling any better?
Yes.
- Did you feel anything?
- Er... No, nothing.
Maurice?
If you have a minute, I need to talk to you.
Well, I was going...going...
- Well, I'll... Just give me a second.
- Fine.
What is it?
I'm quitting, Maurice.
Er... Any particular reason?
Yes, I...I can't keep trying.
- Trying what? Trying to do what?
- To love you, Maurice. You won't let me.
You have your ideas about things
and they'll always be the same.
It's no use trying to love someone
when they're doing something else.
- This week...
- Has been no different from any other
as far as I'm concerned!
I don't know what you think about people.
You don't say but you go on as if
they're all in the way.
Except for sex, and that's just
to get them out of the way for a bit.
How the hell could you ask me
to come to bed with you and Diana?
- I thought you enjoyed it.
- I did. It was wonderful.
But you lied to both of us.
That's so disrespectful.
Diana's my friend.
We're...
We're... We're going to London,
and to hell with you and Jack.
- So that's what Jack was talking about.
- Don't smirk. It's not sex.
Of course that's how it strikes you.
It's about being with someone.
Well... What about Amy?
She won't miss me that much.
If we'd ever felt like a family,
if we'd ever had a child of our own,
perhaps that would have made us last.
Look, darling...
suppose...
suppose that I made a real effort.
Mm?
Mm?
Mm?
No, an effort's no good, Maurice.
You'd soon forget to make it.
I'm really sorry, Joyce.
Would you please go now?
The vicar's waiting for you.
Please.
(Sonnenschein) Just a minute.
Where are we going?
(Maurice) Another call to make.
Exorcism again. In the wood up there.
You want me to do a wood?
What an extraordinary place.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Holy water.
Right. Do you want me to do it over this?
Yes, please.
In the name of the Father and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost,
I command you, unclean spirits,
depart from this place.
Remember, thou accursed spirit,
your sentence and your judgment.
(Thunder rumbles)
Remember the day to be at hand
wherein you shall burn in fire everlasting.
I command thee in the authority of Christ
to go now to thy appointed place.
Look out!
- Help!
- Hold on.
Help!
Help!
(Gasping)
- You all right?
- I think so.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
My God.
I've never been so terrified in all my life.
Oh... Come on. Let's get out of here quickly.
Oh, God. What the hell do you think it was?
What was it?
You've not had much luck with your wives,
have you, Dad?
Maybe that's because
you don't give them enough treats.
I've worked out what we'll do.
I'm 14. I'm quite good at cooking already.
I can learn more by watching in the kitchen.
(Maurice) Things have sorted themselves out
after a fashion, or some things have.
I can still feel my heart beating, moving to the
point where it starts to flutter and stumble.
- We can start to do things like the accounts.
- Oh, I'm not much good.
I'm sentimental, I'm insincere.
I keep promising to behave better
and I never do.
And tomorrow is another week,
and I've got to phone about the car insurance
and talk to the solicitor about Gramps' will.
And I've got to fetch the meat
and bank the takings.
And there's selling the place
and looking for another.
And, of course,
there's finding somebody to go to bed with.
I'm beginning to think
that death might offer something after all.
It'll be my means of getting away,
getting away for good from this body,
from this rather ruthless,
ineffective person that's me.
Much sooner than I could have expected,
I've come to believe
that there is something beyond death after all.
And, whatever it is,
I know I'll never be free of it.
But at least I'll be free of Maurice Allington.
(# Swing music)
(Chatter)
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.