The Green Man (1990): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(Bird shrieks)
(Twig snaps)
(Ghostly voice whispering)
- (Snap)
- (Screaming)
(Gasps)
Mm...
Huh...
(# Louis Armstrong:
Top Hat, White Tie And Tails)
(Birdsong)
# Yes, boy
# Puttin' on my top hat
# Playin' with that tie and tails
# A new man, swingin'
# Swingin' in that top hat
# And my white tie and my tails
# I'm steppin' out, my dear
# To breathe the atmosphere
that simply reeks with class
# Yes, I trust that you'll excuse my dust
when I step on the gas
# Top hat
# And my tails
# Dig that white tie, boy...
Showtime.
(# Louis scats, song ends)
(Esther Rantzen on television)
..way to meet people.
Anyway, another thing you may remember is we
have a special award for unfriendly neighbours.
We awarded it to some of the people who live
near Colin Davey, a milkman in High Wycombe
whose neighbours wouldn't let him
park his own milk float in his own drive.
- So Wycombe council actually placed...
- Why are you watching this, Amy?
- It's all that's on.
- It isn't all that's on.
This year's
United Kingdom dance championships...
And the dog's across at the top...
Puts Tommy Murphy...
What are they complaining about?
You could try reading a book occasionally.
- What's wrong with it?
- Turn it down, Amy.
- Does that mean you want to talk to me?
- Our dinner guests will be here in a minute.
- Jack and Diana Abery.
- I know.
You want to get dressed and come
and have a chat to them before we sit down?
- No, thanks, Dad.
- I thought you liked them.
Oh, come on, Amy.
It'll please Grandpa and me. For my birthday.
OK, OK.
Did you see what he did
all over the council enforcement notice?
(Man) Come in.
It's me, Father.
Oh. Maurice.
- Bad lad.
- You want a drink, Father?
Well, very weak.
Like yours.
Where's, er...er...Joyce?
Oh, downstairs, I should think.
The Aberys will be here any minute.
- Who?
- Jack and Diana Abery.
Oh.
Yeah. I don't think I like him.
Wish I did. He's been a good doctor to me.
- But as a man...
- Here's your drink.
- Oh... Oh.
- (Footsteps)
(Gramps) Maurice?
- (Gramps) Maurice? Maurice?
- What?
Ask Amy to come in and talk to me.
I did, Father.
(Groans)
(Phone rings)
(Woman) The Green Man. Can I help you?
(# String quartet playing
Mozart: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik)
No, no. No trouble at all. I quite understand.
Do think of us again, though, won't you? Bye.
- Or better still, forget us totally.
- Who was that?
That party of six computer people
from the Cambridge science park cancelled.
Good. I can't stand those jumped-up whizz kids.
With plenty of jumped-up money
which we need.
- How are you this evening?
- I'm very hot, Maurice.
- Ah.
- You have looked in on Amy?
- Yes, I have.
- Did you persuade her to join us?
- Amy will join us this evening.
- Good. OK, then, I'll go and do the kitchen.
- I'll do the kitchen. You get changed.
- All right.
I want you to look wonderful.
(Man) Do you think I'd be phoning
if it wasn't urgent?
Yes, as soon as possible, please.
Thank you. Good night.
- Bonsoir, tout le monde!
- (All) Bonsoir.
- Party of six have just cancelled, David.
- The ice-maker's packed up again.
- Well, get it fixed.
- I phoned the electrician.
- Your Scotch.
- Thank you.
Mr Allington, why not let me do the dining room
since you have guests coming for your birthday?
People don't just come here for the food, David.
They come to see mein famous host.
They say that creme brulée is really the test of
a restaurant. I can assure you it passes here.
- Absolutely.
- Oh. I like that.
Why does your chauffeur wear a cloak?
- Welcome, Mr Levin. Wonderful to see you.
- Maurice. Nice to see you.
- You know Sir Clement Freud?
- By repute. Welcome to The Green Man.
- How are you?
- Fine. Very well indeed.
- Did Jonathan Meades harm you?
- That review? Not even mild indigestion.
- Straight into the dining room or the bar?
- What do you think? The bar? The bar.
Château Patris Ł340? Er, Mr Allington?
Your oenophilic advice, if I may.
It's an interesting wine list, if a little expensive.
The white burgundies are rubbish. They taste
like a mixture of soup and children's wee-wee.
The claret and the red burgundies,
on the other hand, are excellent,
and, as on many good wine lists,
the best aren't necessarily the most pricey.
So what about the Latour?
Ah. Mmm...
Well, I'd go for number 17.
That way you get a better wine for your money
and you save Ł5.
Then perhaps you could put the saving towards
a nice bottle of Château d'Yquem with a dessert.
I'm sure madam would appreciate that.
- We'd love to hear about the ghost.
- Oh, yes, please.
This way. The Klingers from Baltimore.
They want you to tell them about the ghost.
Good evening.
This way, please, Mr and Mrs Klinger.
- David, a bottle of 17 for table six, please.
- Yes, Mr Allington.
Congratulations on a wonderful hotel.
- Will this table be all right for you?
- It's perfect. Thank you very much.
Allow me.
My wife and I are touring this way,
looking for things historical.
- We're on our way to Cambridge.
- There's no better place for things historical.
We understand you're pretty historical yourself.
- I am. Oh, you mean our ghosts?
- Ghosts?
Aaaahhh! It was at this very window.
Moooaaahh!
Well, sit down, Mr Allington. Do tell us.
- Have a drink, please.
- Thank you. I never drink when I'm working.
But I'll get you some menus and a wine list
while you drink in the atmosphere.
(Mr Klinger) Thank you very much.
He said ghosts! Oh, wonderful!
Excuse me.
- How are you, Jack?
- Still chasing his patients.
- Jack.
- Hello, Maurice. Happy birthday.
- A little something for the big day.
- Diana.
Mm! You smell delicious. A little fruity,
but a wonderfully elegant bouquet.
- You're sweating.
- You raise my temperature.
- Excuse me.
- You are sweating.
- We'll go up.
- I want to talk to Maurice.
I've had a hard day.
The state you're in...
- You're ten years younger.
- Alcoholic sweating, Maurice.
- How many this evening?
- A couple.
A couple of trebles, plus that one,
and a couple more after dinner.
Almost a whole bottle. Then there's the wine.
- I'm used to it. I can take it.
- You may be used to it.
You've got a first-class constitution,
but you can't take it the way you did.
What are you, 52, 53? One of those stretches
where the road goes sharp downhill for a bit.
- Mm? How do you really feel?
- Bloody awful.
- Sorry, I'm halfway through the ghost routine.
- You've felt bloody awful for months.
The only time I don't feel bloody awful is when
I'm drunk. You like the ladies, I like to drink.
- How are the jactitations?
- The what?
- The jerking.
- Oh, fine, yes. Definitely.
- Hallucinations?
- About the same.
But that's got nothing to do with drink.
Last time, you said it was epilepsy.
Technically related. The drink's more than
technical, though. Knock it off a bit, will you?
Not completely, that's not a good idea.
But stay off the hard till the evenings.
Why don't you service the ladies?
(All chatting)
Now, where were we?
You said ghosts in the plural.
Yes, there's also the unseen ghost.
Unseen?
- How do people know he's there?
- Well, there's reports of something
moving around the house at night,
as if it was trying to get in
through the doors and windows.
- Oh.
- And nobody got a look?
Well, no one dared because of the sound.
- Sound?
- People can be haunted by sound.
And, apparently,
there's this sort of strange, er, crackle. Er...
As it moves around. Sort of...
(Throaty crunching sounds)
Ooh...
Now, have you thought about food?
(Crunching and crackling)
# Big nothing
# Woo-ooh #
(Crunching)
I'm too old for social occasions.
No, you're not, Grandpa.
You'll get lonely if you don't meet people.
- Do you get lonely, Amy?
- Yeah.
- You're looking very smart, Father.
- Maurice, why am I doing this?
- Who's coming?
- I told you. Jack and Diana Abery.
- Oh...
- And 50-something years ago today...
That wife of his.
Always going on about how marvellous I am
considering I have no arms and legs.
You have got arms and legs.
- Well, now, I want my stick. It's outside.
- OK.
I'm seeing the way
you've been looking at that woman.
You're a bad lad.
Nothing wrong with looking at her.
In your case, there is, cos you're a bad lad.
Don't touch it. It's more trouble than it's worth.
Besides, you know that Joyce isn't happy.
She's not miserable, but she's not happy.
I know you've got lots to do
and you work hard about this place,
but don't hide behind it.
Joyce said only this...morning. Tell you later.
Well. You're both gonna give me a hand?
On a plane. It's true. No, I had a patient...
(Diana) Really? That's strange.
(Maurice) Here we are.
Ah, Mr Allington. How are we?
Mr Allington, you're looking marvellous.
- Considering.
- Shall I get you your beer, Gramps?
I'll get it. I asked for the wine to be opened.
- You're looking grown-up these days, Amy.
- I'm 14.
(Amy) Can I have some champagne?
(Maurice) A little.
After you've taken this to Gramps.
Joyce and I were wondering
whether you've put on weight.
- Have I?
- (Jack) Eating the profits?
- You think we have profits?
- I think you're a little big around the tum.
Not getting enough exercise, I'd say.
- Cheers, Gramps.
- Cheers, Amy.
I've been starving myself. What are we having?
- Quail.
- Lobster and asparagus to start with.
Des pointes d'asperges
aux couilles de langouste.
Yummy.
A sensual coupling of lobster,
with slender long points of asparagus,
served in a champagne and truffle sauce.
Now that sounds madly fattening.
I went to this ludicrous place in Cambridge
the other day.
They gave me three celery sticks,
two blobs of kiwi fruit
and charged me L9.95.
I had to have a hamburger afterwards.
Firm but succulent breasts of quail
stuffed with pigeon and grape mousse,
caressed in a penetrable warmth until tender,
then laid on a bed of scented vegetables
and fungi,
- served with a wild berry sauce.
- (Cork squeaking)
Wow.
Nothing's the way it used to be.
(Jack) Too true, Mr Allington.
All kinds of roosters up here.
What are you talking about?
When are you gonna let me make love to you?
God, Maurice, you're a persistent sod.
Having trouble?
Can't pull the corks any more? Is that it?
You'd have thought that a bottle of
Bâtard-Montrachet '84, the best part of 50...
- Bugger!
- (Joyce) What on earth...
The bottle exploded, it's nothing serious.
- You've got, er...
- Yes, I have.
You're soaked.
Not really. Thank God it was white.
You've cut yourself. I'll get a bandage.
Bathroom cabinet, Joyce?
- Yes.
- Upstairs. Just isn't the same any more.
- Incredibly clumsy.
- I know. My beautiful carpet.
- Are you still wet?
- I've been wetter.
- Isn't that so, Maurice?
- What's that, Dad?
All sorts of strange things
occurring up here lately.
(Quiet chatter, indistinct)
(Ghostly voice whispering)
(Gramps clears his throat)
(Joyce) So why won't you tell me
how old you are?
- It's my secret.
- Everything in working order, I take it?
That's my secret.
Need any help in that department,
you know where my surgery is.
- What can you do for him?
- It's not what I do for him.
I was thinking
what I might be able to do for you.
Please don't be revolting, Jack.
- Has everyone had enough?
- Oh, yes.
(Ghostly voice whispering)
(Joyce) Hello, Gabriella? Il dolce, per favore.
(Diana) They're unspeakably fat.
(Maurice) I like my women full-bodied.
(Joyce) It's lucky you do.
Come on, Gramps, try it.
Do you want some help?
No, I'm all right.
- You look after him very well, Amy.
- We're good friends.
All sorts of strangers wandering about up here.
They've no business to be.
(Jack) Is that so, Mr Allington?
(Diana) What are we having for pudding?
Chocolate whirl.
Le petit parfait blanc et noir.
Tell me about it.
Well, um... It's a mixture.
A frenzy, you might say.
There was some rooster clumping up and down
here this afternoon as if it owned the place.
Thin sheets of almond wafer.
I was just on the point of getting up...
I was going to ask him what he thought
he was doing and he buggered off.
Freshly plucked strawberries
on plump pillows of cream.
(Maurice)
In English, it's called Chocolate Surrender.
(Diana) Ooh, I do, I do!
Maurice, is your father all right?
Father?
(Whimpers)
- Gramps!
- Va bene, Gabriella, lo prendo io.
(Amy) Will he be all right?
- Diana, would you look after Amy?
- (Amy) But will he be all right?
- What is it?
- Cerebral haemorrhage, I should imagine.
- He's gonna die?
- Possibly.
- Can you do something?
- Nothing will stop him dying if he's going to.
- Father? What did you see?
- He can't hear you.
Father, try to tell me what you saw.
You saw something.
Father? You saw something.
Over by the door.
It frightened him.
(Joyce) He saw Gabriela, Maurice.
It could have happened any day.
That's how it is with old people.
Gramps liked to walk with me.
He told me stuff.
I'm sorry your father's dead.
I'll get the district nurse to come in the morning
and lay him out.
I'll come over with the death certificate.
Then someone will need to nip into Cambridge
to register the death.
- Organise the undertaker.
- I'll do that.
I suggest three of the blockbusters tonight,
Maurice.
- And Joyce, you'd better take one as well.
- All right, Jack.
I suppose it was lucky Jack was here, really.
Sorry he's gone, Maurice.
He was a decent old boy. You'll miss him.
Yup.
- Good night, Joyce.
- Good night.
Good night. Happy birthday, again.
- Good night, Mr Allington.
- Thank you. Good night.
- Come to bed now, darling.
- I've got to telephone Nick.
Don't sit up drinking all night.
Bring it to the bedroom.
All right, David?
I'm really very sorry about your father,
Mr Allington.
Perhaps you'll be wanting
to take a few days off now.
Why should I want to do that, David?
Well, I was just thinking that if you did,
I could take over for a while.
He was an old man.
Nick? It's your father.
I'm, er, sorry to wake you up like this.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
Your grandfather just died.
Mm...
Well, one minute he was in full flow
and then the next...
Yeah.
Well, no, that'd be good if you could.
And Lucy too?
All right.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night.
(Maurice grunting)
(Amy) I'm sorry your father's dead.
Father?
You're a bad lad.
Don't touch her... touch her... touch her...
(Amy) Gramps told me stuff...
(Jack) How are the jactitations?
When are you gonna let me make love to you?
(Diana) Everything's still in working order,
I take it.
(Maurice) Father?
She's not happy.
(Jack) Hallucinations?
(Screaming)
No! (Shouts)
(Shrieking)
1,000... 2,000...
3,000... 4,000...
5,000... 6,000... 7,000...
8,000...
9,000...
10,000, 11,000, 12,000!
(Yelling)
Calm down, sweetheart. It's all right.
It's all right. Everything's gonna be all right.
(Car horn beeps)
- Morning, Maurice.
- Morning.
- What's that?
- Death certificate.
- Ah.
- When's the funeral?
Saturday, I thought. Get it over with.
Is Diana at work today?
- Yes. Why?
- I need, er... I need some more pills.
- All right, but don't overdo.
- Mm.
(Engine starts)
(Amy) Dad?
- Dad? Dad, where are you going?
- Cambridge.
- Can I come?
- No.
When somebody dies, you have nasty things
to do. Arrange the funeral, register the death.
Gramps wouldn't have minded.
He wanted us to do more things together.
Not today, Amy. I'll take you tomorrow.
Drive carefully now, Maurice.
(# Bach:: Air On A G String)
I don't know. Yeah. I think, er...
- That one.
- I think that's a very wise choice, sir.
Definitely a better wood.
- And these handles?
- Yes, if you say so, yes.
I would definitely select these handles.
And you notice the superb quilted interior.
And now, sir. The corpse.
Do you wish it to remain in the house?
Or would you like to avail our chapel?
Through here. I can show you.
No, could you take it to the chapel?
You don't wish to see? It's very restful.
Er... No, no. I don't wish to see.
- Er... Could you pick him up today?
- Of course.
Morning, ladies. Mrs Abery,
I've come for a repeat prescription, please.
- I want you.
- You're drunk. Honestly, Maurice!
- You said last night...
- I didn't say last night. Besides...
(Phone rings)
Oh, Mrs Phillips, will you go in, please?
Now, let's see.
What makes you such a tremendous womaniser?
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are. A tremendous womaniser.
Everyone knows no attractive female
who comes into The Green Man is safe.
And how many unattached ones of those
do you think come in?
They don't have to be unattached, do they?
How about the wife of that Dutch tulip grower
in the spring?
He was a soil expert.
But why, Maurice? What's it all for?
Mmm... Sex, I should think.
When, when, Diana?
I get off in an hour. Where?
The road up to the church
just outside the village.
Keep on taking the tablets, Mr Allington.
(Chuckles) Pills, pills! Always pills!
(Horn beeps)
All right, Mr Allington?
Am I all right? Course I'm all right.
Why all right?
Nothing, Mr Allington.
- I'm going upstairs, yes?
- Your son and his wife have arrived.
Mr Allington, I must speak to you about the bill
we've had for the repair of the ice maker.
(Loud thudding)
- Madam, can you watch where you're going?
- What is it?
- Didn't you see that?
- See what, Mr Allington?
(Man) Hello, Dad.
- Did you see a woman in a long coat?
- Where?
- Coming down the bloody stairs!
- No, I don't think so.
- David, you must have seen her.
- I wasn't really noticing. I'm sorry.
Never mind. Never mind.
It's just one of the clients rushing out.
Sorry about that. How are you?
- What's the matter, Dad?
- Nothing. It's been a hellish day,
what with the registrar and the undertaker.
- Have I cut myself?
- It's just a little cut.
Come on. We'll put a plaster on it.
Ow. Steady, steady.
- Did Lucy come with you?
- Yeah, she's out by the pool.
How are you getting on, you two? All right?
Very well, thank you.
What have you done to your hand?
Oh, a bottle exploded on me.
Is she still a vegetarian?
(Music playing on personal stereo)
- Hello, Lucy.
- Hi.
- He's just had a scare on the stairs.
- Oh, Maurice, darling. What scared you?
- (Nick) He thought he saw someone.
- I didn't think it. I did.
- (Joyce) Don't be silly, Maurice.
- So sorry about Gramps.
- Gramps saw someone too just before he died.
- (Joyce) Oh, Maurice...
He was always complaining
about strangers running about upstairs.
Just now, on the stairs,
someone pushed into me. A woman.
(Lucy) What did she look like?
(Nick) There was no one there.
(Lucy) I wonder who she was.
This house is supposed to be haunted, isn't it?
Nobody's seen anything for years
and nobody's ever mentioned a woman.
And I suppose if they had, you'd believe me.
You don't believe in ghosts. You've always
said so or you wouldn't have come here.
I believe in them.
Or at least I believe that people see them.
- You mean they think they do?
- Not quite.
They imagine it.
You wouldn't say that St Bernadette
thought she saw the Virgin Mary, would you?
- You mean hallucinations.
- No.
Because different people
see the same ghost at different times.
- Exactly. Like me and Gramps.
- Balls.
She's floating.
Listen, if she appears again, chase her.
Make her speak to you.
Find out if other people can see her.
Oh, God.
I don't think I can go through with this.
Get in the car.
Frankly, I find it amazing you'd want to make
love to me 18 hours after your father died.
Most men
wouldn't contemplate that kind of thing.
- Get in, darling.
- Where are you taking me?
How about the great outdoors?
It hasn't rained for a couple of weeks.
I know a great spot
round the back of the village.
Why do I get the feeling
you've been there before?
- All right?
- Whoo!
Et voila.
I need to understand what's happening.
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
You wouldn't take the line
that we're just animals?
Of course I wouldn't.
You wouldn't put your pleasure
before others' happiness.
That depends.
Don't you think it goes wrong when people
get possessive about other people?
- I mean, we're all independent, aren't we?
- Yes, I should hope so.
And, I mean, I have the right to discover
my own needs and to fulfil them, don't I?
Absolutely.
I'd be a coward to deny that I feel
a powerful sexual attraction towards you.
- I hope you don't deny it.
- I need to know you really want me.
I really want you.
(# Kylie Minogue:: I Should Be So Lucky)
# In my imagination
# There is no complication
# I dream about you all the time
# In mind, a cele...
The death of his father, his 53rd birthday.
No wonder he's feeling a bit fragile.
Two life passages in one day, huh?
Death isn't a passage. You don't go anywhere,
you just stop. Dad's always believed that.
(Grunting)
Maybe he's encountering
a spiritual dimension at last.
- He gets those spirits out of a bottle.
- You and him are all right?
He's impossible. I'm sorry, but he is.
The problem is he's so impossibly attractive.
Tell me about these ghosts, Joyce.
Our ghosts? Well, there was a Dr Underhill,
a cleric who came to the village
to do scientific experiments.
He's buried in the churchyard.
But he was so wicked, local priests
refused to officiate at his funeral.
They had to get people from Cambridge to do it.
- What kind of wickedness?
- He murdered his wife.
They blamed him for it
but they couldn't pin it on him.
She was found torn to bits,
apparently out here somewhere.
- He was in the house when it happened.
- Anything else?
(Joyce) Mm, things with young girls too.
# To give you all my loving
# If one day you would notice me #
Well, you can't say
we haven't been lucky with the weather.
Diana? Can I ask you something?
- Ask away.
- I mean, you're an adventurous woman
and an extremely...an extremely passionate one.
Have you ever been to bed
with more than one person?
- You mean at the same time?
- Mm.
Once. Before I met Jack.
What, er...two men?
Jesus, really. Yes. Two men.
The only trouble was
they were more interested in each other.
I left them to it in the end.
But, er, say it was, er...
Say it was a man and a woman.
You're talking about you and Joyce.
Now, what makes you think up a thing like that?
I thought you said
we all had to explore our own needs.
Look, how often do you and Joyce make love?
Can I ask that?
Not much.
So what does Joyce have to say about this?
Well, she says
you're the sexiest woman she knows.
- You've asked her?
- No. No.
That's just what she said.
Well, don't.
What else does she say about me?
Aha...
(# Scats like Louis Armstrong)
# And I say to myself
# It's a wonderful world
(# Louis Armstrong:: Wonderful World)
# I see skies of blue
# And clouds of white... #
Why aren't you letting David
do the dining room?
Professor Burgess
has condescended to revisit us.
- I don't think David can handle it.
- The fallen soufflé...
- Exactly, after last time.
- That means I won't see you till tomorrow.
Why don't you close the drawers?
You'll stay up drinking all night.
- Darling, it is a busy time of year.
- It always is. It's a wonder I ever see you.
- Sorry it's like this.
- Do something about it.
I'm just your business partner,
housekeeper and Amy's stepmother.
We make love sometimes, don't we?
It was me last night, you know. It wasn't...
Maurice, a lot of men
make love to their housekeepers.
If you can't talk to me the day after
your father dies, what does make you talk?
It's hardly the time to start all this.
It's show time. Come on, we must sparkle.
All right. Let's go down to your restaurant.
- You look very cute.
- Thank you.
- Give my love to Professor Burgess.
- (Chuckles)
Good evening, Professor Burgess.
- Good evening.
- You're looking very well.
No thanks to you.
- Can I show you to your table?
- Please.
Walk this way.
It hardly bears thinking about, does it, Anton?
I mean, not being...anything any more.
Not being anywhere.
- The world going on...
- (David) Mr Allington?
Professor Burgess and his party have arrived.
I've seated them.
Oh, goodie.
It'd just mean the last of everything.
The last birthday, the last dinner party.
The last going to bed.
Good evening, Professor Burgess.
A pleasure to see you again.
We thought we'd give you another try,
Allington.
I think you'll find everything to your satisfaction.
We always try to make a special effort
for senior members of the university.
- Good evening, madam.
- Good evening.
Are we perhaps ready to order?
I think so. We're all rather excited
by the thought of the venison.
I see it's commended in The Good Food Guide.
Very recommended, yes.
A staggering piece of meat.
Then may I suggest we all partake?
- That's a venison for...
- There are five of us, Mr Allington.
Absolutely correct.
And if we all start with the rabbit terrine,
that should make it even easier for you.
- An excellent choice.
- Now, then...
as for the wine, I particularly remember
an admirable Lafite '75.
- Is that still available?
- I keep it specially under the counter,
that is to say, in the cellar, just for you.
Good man. He's a good man, you see.
At The Green Man.
(Laughter)
I shall go and tell the warm waiter
to wine it up for you.
And, as for dessert, we'll discuss
that contentious subject a little later.
Dr Underhill?
- Aaahhh!
- Aaahhh!
It was Dr Underhill standing by the window.
- Maurice, it's the DTs.
- If it is the DTs, fine. We can handle it.
He's really milking that ghost story.
(Laughter)
It wasn't an extrasensory experience!
Go and ask that pompous Burgess if he didn't
see a tall dark man standing by the window.
Dad, you're pissed! You've been pissed all day.
- I'm not pissed now. In fact, I need a Scotch.
- Please. Calm down.
Not pissed now
because you're scared out of your wits!
Exactly, because I saw him!
17th-century clothes, dark hair, long nose,
twisted mouth. Not a nice man.
That's the description
you give the guests every night.
He recognised me! He smiled at me!
Very unusual.
Ghosts don't normally recognise people.
They live in their own time, not yours.
This entity seems to be interested in you.
You imagined it, Dad.
(Joyce talking, indistinct)
Your unconscious
has been attuned to death all day
and that heightens sensitivities.
And you're very sensitive to begin with, Maurice.
He reeks of whisky.
It's just no good. They all know.
- You could easily prove you'd seen something.
- How?
If you discovered something from Underhill
you couldn't know otherwise.
Say he walked through a wall and you
discovered a door there you hadn't known about.
Or if a book or record
confirmed something you'd seen.
There is a book. Upstairs. We have a book.
- (Phone rings)
- What about dinner?
- I don't want any dinner.
- The Green Man. Can I help you?
Thornton's Superstitions...
Ghostly Tales Of British Folk...
Now, it lives here.
It's here...
That's it. Now look at the pages
marked with the tabs. I need a Scotch.
(Cork pops gently, liquid pouring)
You know all this already.
This is interesting, though.
''A small part was buried at his request
with his person.''
His grave's in the local churchyard.
''And a fragment of his journal still survives
in St Matthew's College, Cambridge.
''Of this relic, it should be said,
it is not worth the pain of perusal.''
Why say that? Makes you want to peruse it.
- What's this?
- Last reported sighting
from a Victorian newspaper.
''I, Grace Hedges, chambermaid,
''being a Christian, do solemnly swear,
3rd March, 1850,
''I did enter the little parlour,
and a gentleman by the window.
''Complexion pale but scarred with red.
''His nose long, mouth turned on the side...''
You see?
''When I asked his pleasure,
he was there no longer.''
That's how I described him.
- You've read it before.
- I'd forgotten all that.
Your unconscious hadn't.
That's what Nick would say.
I'm sad for that little chambermaid.
What do you think, Lou?
I still say
one thing lifts this ghost out of the ordinary.
He recognised you.
That means he still exists.
- You should try and make contact with him.
- How?
Well, um... Think about him.
And wait for him.
(Clock chimes)
Dr Underhill?
Dr Underhill?
Dr Underhill...
Dr Underhill?
1,000...
2,000...
What... What do you want?
Can you speak?
Please?
I will show you the true shape...
of your desires.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(Bird shrieks)
(Twig snaps)
(Ghostly voice whispering)
- (Snap)
- (Screaming)
(Gasps)
Mm...
Huh...
(# Louis Armstrong:
Top Hat, White Tie And Tails)
(Birdsong)
# Yes, boy
# Puttin' on my top hat
# Playin' with that tie and tails
# A new man, swingin'
# Swingin' in that top hat
# And my white tie and my tails
# I'm steppin' out, my dear
# To breathe the atmosphere
that simply reeks with class
# Yes, I trust that you'll excuse my dust
when I step on the gas
# Top hat
# And my tails
# Dig that white tie, boy...
Showtime.
(# Louis scats, song ends)
(Esther Rantzen on television)
..way to meet people.
Anyway, another thing you may remember is we
have a special award for unfriendly neighbours.
We awarded it to some of the people who live
near Colin Davey, a milkman in High Wycombe
whose neighbours wouldn't let him
park his own milk float in his own drive.
- So Wycombe council actually placed...
- Why are you watching this, Amy?
- It's all that's on.
- It isn't all that's on.
This year's
United Kingdom dance championships...
And the dog's across at the top...
Puts Tommy Murphy...
What are they complaining about?
You could try reading a book occasionally.
- What's wrong with it?
- Turn it down, Amy.
- Does that mean you want to talk to me?
- Our dinner guests will be here in a minute.
- Jack and Diana Abery.
- I know.
You want to get dressed and come
and have a chat to them before we sit down?
- No, thanks, Dad.
- I thought you liked them.
Oh, come on, Amy.
It'll please Grandpa and me. For my birthday.
OK, OK.
Did you see what he did
all over the council enforcement notice?
(Man) Come in.
It's me, Father.
Oh. Maurice.
- Bad lad.
- You want a drink, Father?
Well, very weak.
Like yours.
Where's, er...er...Joyce?
Oh, downstairs, I should think.
The Aberys will be here any minute.
- Who?
- Jack and Diana Abery.
Oh.
Yeah. I don't think I like him.
Wish I did. He's been a good doctor to me.
- But as a man...
- Here's your drink.
- Oh... Oh.
- (Footsteps)
(Gramps) Maurice?
- (Gramps) Maurice? Maurice?
- What?
Ask Amy to come in and talk to me.
I did, Father.
(Groans)
(Phone rings)
(Woman) The Green Man. Can I help you?
(# String quartet playing
Mozart: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik)
No, no. No trouble at all. I quite understand.
Do think of us again, though, won't you? Bye.
- Or better still, forget us totally.
- Who was that?
That party of six computer people
from the Cambridge science park cancelled.
Good. I can't stand those jumped-up whizz kids.
With plenty of jumped-up money
which we need.
- How are you this evening?
- I'm very hot, Maurice.
- Ah.
- You have looked in on Amy?
- Yes, I have.
- Did you persuade her to join us?
- Amy will join us this evening.
- Good. OK, then, I'll go and do the kitchen.
- I'll do the kitchen. You get changed.
- All right.
I want you to look wonderful.
(Man) Do you think I'd be phoning
if it wasn't urgent?
Yes, as soon as possible, please.
Thank you. Good night.
- Bonsoir, tout le monde!
- (All) Bonsoir.
- Party of six have just cancelled, David.
- The ice-maker's packed up again.
- Well, get it fixed.
- I phoned the electrician.
- Your Scotch.
- Thank you.
Mr Allington, why not let me do the dining room
since you have guests coming for your birthday?
People don't just come here for the food, David.
They come to see mein famous host.
They say that creme brulée is really the test of
a restaurant. I can assure you it passes here.
- Absolutely.
- Oh. I like that.
Why does your chauffeur wear a cloak?
- Welcome, Mr Levin. Wonderful to see you.
- Maurice. Nice to see you.
- You know Sir Clement Freud?
- By repute. Welcome to The Green Man.
- How are you?
- Fine. Very well indeed.
- Did Jonathan Meades harm you?
- That review? Not even mild indigestion.
- Straight into the dining room or the bar?
- What do you think? The bar? The bar.
Château Patris Ł340? Er, Mr Allington?
Your oenophilic advice, if I may.
It's an interesting wine list, if a little expensive.
The white burgundies are rubbish. They taste
like a mixture of soup and children's wee-wee.
The claret and the red burgundies,
on the other hand, are excellent,
and, as on many good wine lists,
the best aren't necessarily the most pricey.
So what about the Latour?
Ah. Mmm...
Well, I'd go for number 17.
That way you get a better wine for your money
and you save Ł5.
Then perhaps you could put the saving towards
a nice bottle of Château d'Yquem with a dessert.
I'm sure madam would appreciate that.
- We'd love to hear about the ghost.
- Oh, yes, please.
This way. The Klingers from Baltimore.
They want you to tell them about the ghost.
Good evening.
This way, please, Mr and Mrs Klinger.
- David, a bottle of 17 for table six, please.
- Yes, Mr Allington.
Congratulations on a wonderful hotel.
- Will this table be all right for you?
- It's perfect. Thank you very much.
Allow me.
My wife and I are touring this way,
looking for things historical.
- We're on our way to Cambridge.
- There's no better place for things historical.
We understand you're pretty historical yourself.
- I am. Oh, you mean our ghosts?
- Ghosts?
Aaaahhh! It was at this very window.
Moooaaahh!
Well, sit down, Mr Allington. Do tell us.
- Have a drink, please.
- Thank you. I never drink when I'm working.
But I'll get you some menus and a wine list
while you drink in the atmosphere.
(Mr Klinger) Thank you very much.
He said ghosts! Oh, wonderful!
Excuse me.
- How are you, Jack?
- Still chasing his patients.
- Jack.
- Hello, Maurice. Happy birthday.
- A little something for the big day.
- Diana.
Mm! You smell delicious. A little fruity,
but a wonderfully elegant bouquet.
- You're sweating.
- You raise my temperature.
- Excuse me.
- You are sweating.
- We'll go up.
- I want to talk to Maurice.
I've had a hard day.
The state you're in...
- You're ten years younger.
- Alcoholic sweating, Maurice.
- How many this evening?
- A couple.
A couple of trebles, plus that one,
and a couple more after dinner.
Almost a whole bottle. Then there's the wine.
- I'm used to it. I can take it.
- You may be used to it.
You've got a first-class constitution,
but you can't take it the way you did.
What are you, 52, 53? One of those stretches
where the road goes sharp downhill for a bit.
- Mm? How do you really feel?
- Bloody awful.
- Sorry, I'm halfway through the ghost routine.
- You've felt bloody awful for months.
The only time I don't feel bloody awful is when
I'm drunk. You like the ladies, I like to drink.
- How are the jactitations?
- The what?
- The jerking.
- Oh, fine, yes. Definitely.
- Hallucinations?
- About the same.
But that's got nothing to do with drink.
Last time, you said it was epilepsy.
Technically related. The drink's more than
technical, though. Knock it off a bit, will you?
Not completely, that's not a good idea.
But stay off the hard till the evenings.
Why don't you service the ladies?
(All chatting)
Now, where were we?
You said ghosts in the plural.
Yes, there's also the unseen ghost.
Unseen?
- How do people know he's there?
- Well, there's reports of something
moving around the house at night,
as if it was trying to get in
through the doors and windows.
- Oh.
- And nobody got a look?
Well, no one dared because of the sound.
- Sound?
- People can be haunted by sound.
And, apparently,
there's this sort of strange, er, crackle. Er...
As it moves around. Sort of...
(Throaty crunching sounds)
Ooh...
Now, have you thought about food?
(Crunching and crackling)
# Big nothing
# Woo-ooh #
(Crunching)
I'm too old for social occasions.
No, you're not, Grandpa.
You'll get lonely if you don't meet people.
- Do you get lonely, Amy?
- Yeah.
- You're looking very smart, Father.
- Maurice, why am I doing this?
- Who's coming?
- I told you. Jack and Diana Abery.
- Oh...
- And 50-something years ago today...
That wife of his.
Always going on about how marvellous I am
considering I have no arms and legs.
You have got arms and legs.
- Well, now, I want my stick. It's outside.
- OK.
I'm seeing the way
you've been looking at that woman.
You're a bad lad.
Nothing wrong with looking at her.
In your case, there is, cos you're a bad lad.
Don't touch it. It's more trouble than it's worth.
Besides, you know that Joyce isn't happy.
She's not miserable, but she's not happy.
I know you've got lots to do
and you work hard about this place,
but don't hide behind it.
Joyce said only this...morning. Tell you later.
Well. You're both gonna give me a hand?
On a plane. It's true. No, I had a patient...
(Diana) Really? That's strange.
(Maurice) Here we are.
Ah, Mr Allington. How are we?
Mr Allington, you're looking marvellous.
- Considering.
- Shall I get you your beer, Gramps?
I'll get it. I asked for the wine to be opened.
- You're looking grown-up these days, Amy.
- I'm 14.
(Amy) Can I have some champagne?
(Maurice) A little.
After you've taken this to Gramps.
Joyce and I were wondering
whether you've put on weight.
- Have I?
- (Jack) Eating the profits?
- You think we have profits?
- I think you're a little big around the tum.
Not getting enough exercise, I'd say.
- Cheers, Gramps.
- Cheers, Amy.
I've been starving myself. What are we having?
- Quail.
- Lobster and asparagus to start with.
Des pointes d'asperges
aux couilles de langouste.
Yummy.
A sensual coupling of lobster,
with slender long points of asparagus,
served in a champagne and truffle sauce.
Now that sounds madly fattening.
I went to this ludicrous place in Cambridge
the other day.
They gave me three celery sticks,
two blobs of kiwi fruit
and charged me L9.95.
I had to have a hamburger afterwards.
Firm but succulent breasts of quail
stuffed with pigeon and grape mousse,
caressed in a penetrable warmth until tender,
then laid on a bed of scented vegetables
and fungi,
- served with a wild berry sauce.
- (Cork squeaking)
Wow.
Nothing's the way it used to be.
(Jack) Too true, Mr Allington.
All kinds of roosters up here.
What are you talking about?
When are you gonna let me make love to you?
God, Maurice, you're a persistent sod.
Having trouble?
Can't pull the corks any more? Is that it?
You'd have thought that a bottle of
Bâtard-Montrachet '84, the best part of 50...
- Bugger!
- (Joyce) What on earth...
The bottle exploded, it's nothing serious.
- You've got, er...
- Yes, I have.
You're soaked.
Not really. Thank God it was white.
You've cut yourself. I'll get a bandage.
Bathroom cabinet, Joyce?
- Yes.
- Upstairs. Just isn't the same any more.
- Incredibly clumsy.
- I know. My beautiful carpet.
- Are you still wet?
- I've been wetter.
- Isn't that so, Maurice?
- What's that, Dad?
All sorts of strange things
occurring up here lately.
(Quiet chatter, indistinct)
(Ghostly voice whispering)
(Gramps clears his throat)
(Joyce) So why won't you tell me
how old you are?
- It's my secret.
- Everything in working order, I take it?
That's my secret.
Need any help in that department,
you know where my surgery is.
- What can you do for him?
- It's not what I do for him.
I was thinking
what I might be able to do for you.
Please don't be revolting, Jack.
- Has everyone had enough?
- Oh, yes.
(Ghostly voice whispering)
(Joyce) Hello, Gabriella? Il dolce, per favore.
(Diana) They're unspeakably fat.
(Maurice) I like my women full-bodied.
(Joyce) It's lucky you do.
Come on, Gramps, try it.
Do you want some help?
No, I'm all right.
- You look after him very well, Amy.
- We're good friends.
All sorts of strangers wandering about up here.
They've no business to be.
(Jack) Is that so, Mr Allington?
(Diana) What are we having for pudding?
Chocolate whirl.
Le petit parfait blanc et noir.
Tell me about it.
Well, um... It's a mixture.
A frenzy, you might say.
There was some rooster clumping up and down
here this afternoon as if it owned the place.
Thin sheets of almond wafer.
I was just on the point of getting up...
I was going to ask him what he thought
he was doing and he buggered off.
Freshly plucked strawberries
on plump pillows of cream.
(Maurice)
In English, it's called Chocolate Surrender.
(Diana) Ooh, I do, I do!
Maurice, is your father all right?
Father?
(Whimpers)
- Gramps!
- Va bene, Gabriella, lo prendo io.
(Amy) Will he be all right?
- Diana, would you look after Amy?
- (Amy) But will he be all right?
- What is it?
- Cerebral haemorrhage, I should imagine.
- He's gonna die?
- Possibly.
- Can you do something?
- Nothing will stop him dying if he's going to.
- Father? What did you see?
- He can't hear you.
Father, try to tell me what you saw.
You saw something.
Father? You saw something.
Over by the door.
It frightened him.
(Joyce) He saw Gabriela, Maurice.
It could have happened any day.
That's how it is with old people.
Gramps liked to walk with me.
He told me stuff.
I'm sorry your father's dead.
I'll get the district nurse to come in the morning
and lay him out.
I'll come over with the death certificate.
Then someone will need to nip into Cambridge
to register the death.
- Organise the undertaker.
- I'll do that.
I suggest three of the blockbusters tonight,
Maurice.
- And Joyce, you'd better take one as well.
- All right, Jack.
I suppose it was lucky Jack was here, really.
Sorry he's gone, Maurice.
He was a decent old boy. You'll miss him.
Yup.
- Good night, Joyce.
- Good night.
Good night. Happy birthday, again.
- Good night, Mr Allington.
- Thank you. Good night.
- Come to bed now, darling.
- I've got to telephone Nick.
Don't sit up drinking all night.
Bring it to the bedroom.
All right, David?
I'm really very sorry about your father,
Mr Allington.
Perhaps you'll be wanting
to take a few days off now.
Why should I want to do that, David?
Well, I was just thinking that if you did,
I could take over for a while.
He was an old man.
Nick? It's your father.
I'm, er, sorry to wake you up like this.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
Your grandfather just died.
Mm...
Well, one minute he was in full flow
and then the next...
Yeah.
Well, no, that'd be good if you could.
And Lucy too?
All right.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night.
(Maurice grunting)
(Amy) I'm sorry your father's dead.
Father?
You're a bad lad.
Don't touch her... touch her... touch her...
(Amy) Gramps told me stuff...
(Jack) How are the jactitations?
When are you gonna let me make love to you?
(Diana) Everything's still in working order,
I take it.
(Maurice) Father?
She's not happy.
(Jack) Hallucinations?
(Screaming)
No! (Shouts)
(Shrieking)
1,000... 2,000...
3,000... 4,000...
5,000... 6,000... 7,000...
8,000...
9,000...
10,000, 11,000, 12,000!
(Yelling)
Calm down, sweetheart. It's all right.
It's all right. Everything's gonna be all right.
(Car horn beeps)
- Morning, Maurice.
- Morning.
- What's that?
- Death certificate.
- Ah.
- When's the funeral?
Saturday, I thought. Get it over with.
Is Diana at work today?
- Yes. Why?
- I need, er... I need some more pills.
- All right, but don't overdo.
- Mm.
(Engine starts)
(Amy) Dad?
- Dad? Dad, where are you going?
- Cambridge.
- Can I come?
- No.
When somebody dies, you have nasty things
to do. Arrange the funeral, register the death.
Gramps wouldn't have minded.
He wanted us to do more things together.
Not today, Amy. I'll take you tomorrow.
Drive carefully now, Maurice.
(# Bach:: Air On A G String)
I don't know. Yeah. I think, er...
- That one.
- I think that's a very wise choice, sir.
Definitely a better wood.
- And these handles?
- Yes, if you say so, yes.
I would definitely select these handles.
And you notice the superb quilted interior.
And now, sir. The corpse.
Do you wish it to remain in the house?
Or would you like to avail our chapel?
Through here. I can show you.
No, could you take it to the chapel?
You don't wish to see? It's very restful.
Er... No, no. I don't wish to see.
- Er... Could you pick him up today?
- Of course.
Morning, ladies. Mrs Abery,
I've come for a repeat prescription, please.
- I want you.
- You're drunk. Honestly, Maurice!
- You said last night...
- I didn't say last night. Besides...
(Phone rings)
Oh, Mrs Phillips, will you go in, please?
Now, let's see.
What makes you such a tremendous womaniser?
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are. A tremendous womaniser.
Everyone knows no attractive female
who comes into The Green Man is safe.
And how many unattached ones of those
do you think come in?
They don't have to be unattached, do they?
How about the wife of that Dutch tulip grower
in the spring?
He was a soil expert.
But why, Maurice? What's it all for?
Mmm... Sex, I should think.
When, when, Diana?
I get off in an hour. Where?
The road up to the church
just outside the village.
Keep on taking the tablets, Mr Allington.
(Chuckles) Pills, pills! Always pills!
(Horn beeps)
All right, Mr Allington?
Am I all right? Course I'm all right.
Why all right?
Nothing, Mr Allington.
- I'm going upstairs, yes?
- Your son and his wife have arrived.
Mr Allington, I must speak to you about the bill
we've had for the repair of the ice maker.
(Loud thudding)
- Madam, can you watch where you're going?
- What is it?
- Didn't you see that?
- See what, Mr Allington?
(Man) Hello, Dad.
- Did you see a woman in a long coat?
- Where?
- Coming down the bloody stairs!
- No, I don't think so.
- David, you must have seen her.
- I wasn't really noticing. I'm sorry.
Never mind. Never mind.
It's just one of the clients rushing out.
Sorry about that. How are you?
- What's the matter, Dad?
- Nothing. It's been a hellish day,
what with the registrar and the undertaker.
- Have I cut myself?
- It's just a little cut.
Come on. We'll put a plaster on it.
Ow. Steady, steady.
- Did Lucy come with you?
- Yeah, she's out by the pool.
How are you getting on, you two? All right?
Very well, thank you.
What have you done to your hand?
Oh, a bottle exploded on me.
Is she still a vegetarian?
(Music playing on personal stereo)
- Hello, Lucy.
- Hi.
- He's just had a scare on the stairs.
- Oh, Maurice, darling. What scared you?
- (Nick) He thought he saw someone.
- I didn't think it. I did.
- (Joyce) Don't be silly, Maurice.
- So sorry about Gramps.
- Gramps saw someone too just before he died.
- (Joyce) Oh, Maurice...
He was always complaining
about strangers running about upstairs.
Just now, on the stairs,
someone pushed into me. A woman.
(Lucy) What did she look like?
(Nick) There was no one there.
(Lucy) I wonder who she was.
This house is supposed to be haunted, isn't it?
Nobody's seen anything for years
and nobody's ever mentioned a woman.
And I suppose if they had, you'd believe me.
You don't believe in ghosts. You've always
said so or you wouldn't have come here.
I believe in them.
Or at least I believe that people see them.
- You mean they think they do?
- Not quite.
They imagine it.
You wouldn't say that St Bernadette
thought she saw the Virgin Mary, would you?
- You mean hallucinations.
- No.
Because different people
see the same ghost at different times.
- Exactly. Like me and Gramps.
- Balls.
She's floating.
Listen, if she appears again, chase her.
Make her speak to you.
Find out if other people can see her.
Oh, God.
I don't think I can go through with this.
Get in the car.
Frankly, I find it amazing you'd want to make
love to me 18 hours after your father died.
Most men
wouldn't contemplate that kind of thing.
- Get in, darling.
- Where are you taking me?
How about the great outdoors?
It hasn't rained for a couple of weeks.
I know a great spot
round the back of the village.
Why do I get the feeling
you've been there before?
- All right?
- Whoo!
Et voila.
I need to understand what's happening.
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
You wouldn't take the line
that we're just animals?
Of course I wouldn't.
You wouldn't put your pleasure
before others' happiness.
That depends.
Don't you think it goes wrong when people
get possessive about other people?
- I mean, we're all independent, aren't we?
- Yes, I should hope so.
And, I mean, I have the right to discover
my own needs and to fulfil them, don't I?
Absolutely.
I'd be a coward to deny that I feel
a powerful sexual attraction towards you.
- I hope you don't deny it.
- I need to know you really want me.
I really want you.
(# Kylie Minogue:: I Should Be So Lucky)
# In my imagination
# There is no complication
# I dream about you all the time
# In mind, a cele...
The death of his father, his 53rd birthday.
No wonder he's feeling a bit fragile.
Two life passages in one day, huh?
Death isn't a passage. You don't go anywhere,
you just stop. Dad's always believed that.
(Grunting)
Maybe he's encountering
a spiritual dimension at last.
- He gets those spirits out of a bottle.
- You and him are all right?
He's impossible. I'm sorry, but he is.
The problem is he's so impossibly attractive.
Tell me about these ghosts, Joyce.
Our ghosts? Well, there was a Dr Underhill,
a cleric who came to the village
to do scientific experiments.
He's buried in the churchyard.
But he was so wicked, local priests
refused to officiate at his funeral.
They had to get people from Cambridge to do it.
- What kind of wickedness?
- He murdered his wife.
They blamed him for it
but they couldn't pin it on him.
She was found torn to bits,
apparently out here somewhere.
- He was in the house when it happened.
- Anything else?
(Joyce) Mm, things with young girls too.
# To give you all my loving
# If one day you would notice me #
Well, you can't say
we haven't been lucky with the weather.
Diana? Can I ask you something?
- Ask away.
- I mean, you're an adventurous woman
and an extremely...an extremely passionate one.
Have you ever been to bed
with more than one person?
- You mean at the same time?
- Mm.
Once. Before I met Jack.
What, er...two men?
Jesus, really. Yes. Two men.
The only trouble was
they were more interested in each other.
I left them to it in the end.
But, er, say it was, er...
Say it was a man and a woman.
You're talking about you and Joyce.
Now, what makes you think up a thing like that?
I thought you said
we all had to explore our own needs.
Look, how often do you and Joyce make love?
Can I ask that?
Not much.
So what does Joyce have to say about this?
Well, she says
you're the sexiest woman she knows.
- You've asked her?
- No. No.
That's just what she said.
Well, don't.
What else does she say about me?
Aha...
(# Scats like Louis Armstrong)
# And I say to myself
# It's a wonderful world
(# Louis Armstrong:: Wonderful World)
# I see skies of blue
# And clouds of white... #
Why aren't you letting David
do the dining room?
Professor Burgess
has condescended to revisit us.
- I don't think David can handle it.
- The fallen soufflé...
- Exactly, after last time.
- That means I won't see you till tomorrow.
Why don't you close the drawers?
You'll stay up drinking all night.
- Darling, it is a busy time of year.
- It always is. It's a wonder I ever see you.
- Sorry it's like this.
- Do something about it.
I'm just your business partner,
housekeeper and Amy's stepmother.
We make love sometimes, don't we?
It was me last night, you know. It wasn't...
Maurice, a lot of men
make love to their housekeepers.
If you can't talk to me the day after
your father dies, what does make you talk?
It's hardly the time to start all this.
It's show time. Come on, we must sparkle.
All right. Let's go down to your restaurant.
- You look very cute.
- Thank you.
- Give my love to Professor Burgess.
- (Chuckles)
Good evening, Professor Burgess.
- Good evening.
- You're looking very well.
No thanks to you.
- Can I show you to your table?
- Please.
Walk this way.
It hardly bears thinking about, does it, Anton?
I mean, not being...anything any more.
Not being anywhere.
- The world going on...
- (David) Mr Allington?
Professor Burgess and his party have arrived.
I've seated them.
Oh, goodie.
It'd just mean the last of everything.
The last birthday, the last dinner party.
The last going to bed.
Good evening, Professor Burgess.
A pleasure to see you again.
We thought we'd give you another try,
Allington.
I think you'll find everything to your satisfaction.
We always try to make a special effort
for senior members of the university.
- Good evening, madam.
- Good evening.
Are we perhaps ready to order?
I think so. We're all rather excited
by the thought of the venison.
I see it's commended in The Good Food Guide.
Very recommended, yes.
A staggering piece of meat.
Then may I suggest we all partake?
- That's a venison for...
- There are five of us, Mr Allington.
Absolutely correct.
And if we all start with the rabbit terrine,
that should make it even easier for you.
- An excellent choice.
- Now, then...
as for the wine, I particularly remember
an admirable Lafite '75.
- Is that still available?
- I keep it specially under the counter,
that is to say, in the cellar, just for you.
Good man. He's a good man, you see.
At The Green Man.
(Laughter)
I shall go and tell the warm waiter
to wine it up for you.
And, as for dessert, we'll discuss
that contentious subject a little later.
Dr Underhill?
- Aaahhh!
- Aaahhh!
It was Dr Underhill standing by the window.
- Maurice, it's the DTs.
- If it is the DTs, fine. We can handle it.
He's really milking that ghost story.
(Laughter)
It wasn't an extrasensory experience!
Go and ask that pompous Burgess if he didn't
see a tall dark man standing by the window.
Dad, you're pissed! You've been pissed all day.
- I'm not pissed now. In fact, I need a Scotch.
- Please. Calm down.
Not pissed now
because you're scared out of your wits!
Exactly, because I saw him!
17th-century clothes, dark hair, long nose,
twisted mouth. Not a nice man.
That's the description
you give the guests every night.
He recognised me! He smiled at me!
Very unusual.
Ghosts don't normally recognise people.
They live in their own time, not yours.
This entity seems to be interested in you.
You imagined it, Dad.
(Joyce talking, indistinct)
Your unconscious
has been attuned to death all day
and that heightens sensitivities.
And you're very sensitive to begin with, Maurice.
He reeks of whisky.
It's just no good. They all know.
- You could easily prove you'd seen something.
- How?
If you discovered something from Underhill
you couldn't know otherwise.
Say he walked through a wall and you
discovered a door there you hadn't known about.
Or if a book or record
confirmed something you'd seen.
There is a book. Upstairs. We have a book.
- (Phone rings)
- What about dinner?
- I don't want any dinner.
- The Green Man. Can I help you?
Thornton's Superstitions...
Ghostly Tales Of British Folk...
Now, it lives here.
It's here...
That's it. Now look at the pages
marked with the tabs. I need a Scotch.
(Cork pops gently, liquid pouring)
You know all this already.
This is interesting, though.
''A small part was buried at his request
with his person.''
His grave's in the local churchyard.
''And a fragment of his journal still survives
in St Matthew's College, Cambridge.
''Of this relic, it should be said,
it is not worth the pain of perusal.''
Why say that? Makes you want to peruse it.
- What's this?
- Last reported sighting
from a Victorian newspaper.
''I, Grace Hedges, chambermaid,
''being a Christian, do solemnly swear,
3rd March, 1850,
''I did enter the little parlour,
and a gentleman by the window.
''Complexion pale but scarred with red.
''His nose long, mouth turned on the side...''
You see?
''When I asked his pleasure,
he was there no longer.''
That's how I described him.
- You've read it before.
- I'd forgotten all that.
Your unconscious hadn't.
That's what Nick would say.
I'm sad for that little chambermaid.
What do you think, Lou?
I still say
one thing lifts this ghost out of the ordinary.
He recognised you.
That means he still exists.
- You should try and make contact with him.
- How?
Well, um... Think about him.
And wait for him.
(Clock chimes)
Dr Underhill?
Dr Underhill?
Dr Underhill...
Dr Underhill?
1,000...
2,000...
What... What do you want?
Can you speak?
Please?
I will show you the true shape...
of your desires.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.