The Great North (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Wanted: Delmer Alive Adventure - full transcript
The Tobins tell their favorite stories about Delmer to keep him alive when he gets a concussion while eating soup.
- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
(cheering)
HONEYBEE:
So no one in this family
has ever bought shorts before?
Absolutely not.
If you want shorts,
buy pants, wear 'em
till the knees give out,
and cut 'em off
like a normal person.
Honestly, the entire shorts
industry should be shut down.
- Bunch of crooks.
- (phone rings)
You've reached
the cellular device of Beef,
owner of device speaking.
Mm-hmm.
Got it. Be right there.
Now, don't freak out,
but that was the hospital.
Delmer bonked his head
eating soup too fast.
He just slipped
right out of his chair.
- Oh, no.
- Papa D.
Chairs are tricky.
I want that soup brought
to justice.
They're releasing him,
but he can't drive himself.
I'm gonna go pick him up.
Aw, it's so nice/weird
that your dad is best friends
with a sweet 80-year-old man.
Their personalities are
the same age.
Oh, yeah, Dad and Delmer
have always been super close.
Delmer's kids were grown
and moved away,
and Dad's parents were fun
but absolutely bonkers.
And not always around.
So whenever he needed help...
- Or advice.
- Or someone to help him
with his homework
who knew the entire alphabet.
Grandpa was pretty good
up to "Q,"
but after that
he'd just circle back to "A."
Dad would just go
over to Uncle Delmer's.
He was his rock.
Everyone needs a rock.
Personally, my rock is The Rock.
Have you guys seen Skyscraper?
He humiliates
that dumbass building.
BEEF:
Ding-dong.
Delmer's here.
And he might have a concussion.
You can't have this angel yet.
- You hear me?
- Who are these people?
Those hippies from the news?
(gasps) He's got jimjam amnesia!
Ha-ha! Gotcha!
My brain works fine.
- Oh! (laughs) - Good one, D.
- I was got.
But if I ever lose
my wits like that,
flip me into the wood
chipper, will you?
You have my word.
The doctor recommended
we keep him up
for the next four hours in
case he has a concussion.
Four hours? Oh, that's
way past my bedtime.
I'm usually tucked
in by 9:00 p.m.
Now, who has a good idea
of how to keep Delmer awake
- for 240 minutes?
- I could just bust out my pan flute and...
OTHERS: No, no,
no, no! No, no, no, no!
- Okay.
- I know.
We could tell some Delmer
stories to keep Delmer awake.
You know, like the ones
Dad used to tell us at bedtime.
Beef used to tell
you stories about me?
Oh, yeah. Dad would
tell us bedtime stories
about the adventures
you two had together.
They were very exciting.
Sometimes Dad would even have
to swaddle me after
to calm me down.
Personally, my favorite
was always the one
about the thing
that fell from the sky.
Sure was. Ham and Moon's, too.
It's got everything kids
love: aliens, pee, buffets...
Yep. It all started
30-some years ago.
When a young Dad and Uncle Brian
were outside of this very house.
Being kissed by
the cool night air.
- Beef! A shooting star!
- Hmm.
Wait a second. Our
Farmers' Almanac
didn't predict any
meteor showers tonight.
But I guess nature
can surprise you.
MOON: The next morning,
Delmer was at Maude's.
Everyone was
bebop'ing to the jukebox,
the waitresses were
all on roller skates,
and poodle skirts were poodlin'.
BEEF: How old
- do you think I am?
- I'm describing the '80s.
That's the '50s.
You know what? Never
mind. Just keep going.
HAM: Delmer was waiting
patiently to order his usual breakfast...
Black coffee and a hard-boiled
egg he brought from home...
When, to his surprise...
How surprising. You're
not my regular waitress.
Yeah, hon. Moira's
mysteriously gone missing.
My husband is also missing.
I emptied his bank account. He
would have wanted it that way.
HAM: Meanwhile,
unable to find their parents
when they woke that morning,
Dad and Uncle Brian
set off to find Delmer.
Delmer, we can't
find Mom and Dad.
We've checked all
their usual places...
The dumpster behind
the pretzel factory, jail...
- But nothing.
- So, what can I get you?
The check, please.
Time to go
fishing... for the truth.
I thought he was
gonna say for fish.
I don't suppose you think
Mom and Dad's disappearance
has anything to do with that
incredibly mysterious meteor
we saw last night that
crashed into the woods?
I do suppose.
Come on, boys, kita.
HAM: So the three of them headed
to the secret
government headquarters
in Delmer's dinosaur race car.
Dad added that part during
Moon's heavy dinosaur phase.
MOON: Which is ongoing.
HAM: And they raced
off to the building.
(snores)
Wakey-wakey,
don't die today-key.
Yep, I'm here.
JUDY: Once inside, they
headed to the one place
all government
secrets are kept...
HAM: The administrative office.
DELMER: Hello. I'd like the form
that's used to figure out
where all the adults in town
- have gone, please.
- Mm-kay.
JUDY: But just then, the
administrator got an itchy nose.
But not on her human
nose... On her nonhuman nose.
So she took her
head off, revealing...
MOON: ♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪
- That she was an alien!
- (gasping)
Ah, crud. Did I just
take my head off
and reveal that I'm an alien?
Hold on. I can't see
through this thing.
Yep, you took it off.
So, listen, we're going to
put our human heads back on,
and then we can all just pretend
that none of this ever happened.
Okay? Everyone agree?
Let's pinkie promise.
(Beef screaming)
Let go of my brother!
(screams)
JUDY: And now that
they officially knew
that aliens had
taken over the town,
they officially had to
check out that meteor.
So Dad led Delmer
and Uncle Brian
to the spot where he saw
the glowing object land.
HAM: And that's when they found
the town's adults being force-fed
- from a massive buffet.
- JUDY: Because the aliens
had a plan that was
truly heinous from Uranus.
Bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork-bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork. Bork-bork. Bork.
Bork...
Oh, poop bomb. That's scary.
I hope it doesn't go off.
Yeah, it used to be
just a regular bomb,
but Dad added the poop because
poop really makes Judy laugh.
(laughs): It totally does.
Wait, Delmer, what's the
Yupik word for "poop" again?
- Anaq.
- (laughing)
See? It's funny in any language.
Oh, man. (chuckles)
Judy, may I go on?
Luckily, Delmer, the
smartest person we know,
happened to be fluent in Bork,
so he was able to decipher
what they were saying.
DELMER: Oh, no! Countdown clock!
All the numbers are in Bork,
but trust me, it's counting down.
We've got Bork minutes to go.
Hey, buddy.
Just three hours to
go till you can sleep.
That's right, but the
residents of Lone Moose
- didn't even have three hours.
- Because the aliens were planning
to bomb the poop out
of Lone Moose, Delmer,
Dad and Uncle Brian ran back
to Delmer's house to regroup.
MOON: That's when Delmer
decided to take a think-and-pee,
because he does all his
best thinking while peeing.
HAM: But then a cold breeze
blew in from the window
and gave him the wiener
shivers, causing him to jump.
And the alien tentacle he
had pocketed earlier fell out!
Pee hit the tentacle, and it
shriveled up and disappeared!
MOON: And that's
when Delmer realized
that the aliens might
have loved poop,
but pee would
kill them instantly!
JUDY: It was time
to show those aliens
why pee has always
been number one.
HAM: Thus began
Operation Golden Powers.
MOON: They drank all
the liquids in the fridge
and filled the
balloons with pee.
JUDY: The aliens thought
they had it all wrapped up
as they celebrated.
- But...
- Pee-pee-ki-yay, mother-Borkers!
Say hello to my yellow friend!
Pee you in hell!
HAM: They were really a
bunch of catchphrase kings.
(screams)
(groans)
JUDY: And then Delmer figured
out how to disarm the bomb.
Well, obviously it's the
brown one. For poop.
(laughs)
Poop. Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
HAM: Then he freed
all the adults, who all still
really had to poop.
So they started pooping
absolutely everywhere...
But with freedom and a deep
sense of gratitude to Delmer.
MOON: And Dad and Uncle
Brian found their parents
and took them home
to poop in peace.
The end.
Or was it?
- It was.
- Fun story, kids.
I enjoyed the poop out of it.
- (yawns)
- Uh-oh.
(singsongy): Someone's
looking sleepy.
But don't worry, D,
I'm gonna tell you
my favorite Delmer story,
and it's gonna knock
your friggin' socks off!
Okay, but fair warning,
several of my toes are dead.
The story's about the
time that Dad worked
at that summer camp you
owned, Camp Heck Yeah!
Oh, Heck Yeah!
Those were good times.
Sure, those seemed
like good times,
but underneath the
surface, a terror lurked.
Ooh, are we doing a horror
film set at summer camp?
I'm very familiar
with the genre.
I've seen them all.
Friday the 13th.
Cabin in the Woods.
Camp Scamps 2:
Arnold's at It Again.
So I'll be able to
jump in on the story.
Fade in... Exterior.
Camp Heck Yeah! Day.
The camp was a classic teen camp
right out of the actual '80s.
BEEF: It wasn't the '80s
when I worked there, guys.
- I'm not that old.
- Agree to disagree.
WOLF: But like all
summer sleepaway camps,
there was a pack of counselors
who only cared about being cool.
And the two dudes
who cared the most
were Deppy and Lawler.
They were both out to impress
the hot girl counselor Kinberly.
And Duke was there, too.
Yeah, we hid the keg
Lawler got in the woods.
We're totally
gonna party tonight.
Gonna get so twisted.
I'm gonna get
twisted and scrambled.
How about you, Beef,
You gonna get warped?
No. I am not.
I plan to spend my free
time honing my survival skills.
Whatever, Beef.
Have fun surviving.
(laughter)
WOLF: Then Delmer
walked over to Dad
for what's called the "tickling
the baby" moment in the movie.
It's when the hero does
something cool early on
- to make you like them.
- Hey, Beef,
you got that friction
fire going nice and quick.
So why the frown?
It's just that I thought all
the other counselors here
would be serious,
outdoor-minded people,
not a bunch of
darn Silly Billies.
Okay, Beef, first, let's
watch our language.
Sorry, Delmer. Just because
I don't like to get warped
or fizzled or
zip-zapped, I'm not cool?
(groans) It's frustrating.
I know a lot of counselors
here are real Party Patricks,
and you're more of a
fellow friend of nature.
But I'm always happy to work
on survival skills with you, Beef.
- Ah, that'd be great.
- Well, first thing is my favorite knot.
Watch me. That's
a quick release knot.
Now, how about some
advanced pocketknife skills?
One thing I like to do is open
all the little doodads on mine
- and use it as a throwing star.
- WOLF: Oh, and that's
one of those pieces of dialogue
you should pay attention to,
because it'll probably
come back around later.
Oop! Look what time it is.
I think it's Rice Krispie Treat
o'clock down at the mess hall.
HONEYBEE: Then there
was one of those shots
where you see them
walking away together all nice,
but then some weird ominous
music starts to play like this:
(wavering tones): ♪
Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. ♪
And it's clear that the nice
part of the movie is over
and it's about to get creepy.
WOLF: That night the cool
counselors were partying in the woods.
(loud spitting)
Gross!
This beer tastes
like spicy beans!
Oh, my God! What the
hell is all this chunky stuff
- on the side of the keg?
- I don't know.
I found the keg
sitting in the sun
behind that abandoned
chili restaurant
near the toxic waste dump
that's owned by that cult.
Oh, Chaz's Killer
Chili. Love that place.
Well, I'm definitely never
making out with you now.
Unless I'm super bored.
(scoffs) Let's get
out of here, Kinberly.
I've got some Swatch watches
in my cabin I want to show you.
Tubular. And I want to
talk about how much I love
the Berlin Wall.
Way to go, Lawler, you dingus.
- You blew it!
- WOLF: But that wasn't the end
of the skunky chili
beer keg. Oh, no.
Because one inquisitive little
ground squirrel came along
and decided to
take a spicy bite.
And then... oh, no!
The squirrel was trapped
in the toxic chili keg.
And that chili
wasn't the only thing
that was about to be killer.
HONEYBEE: This is when
everyone in the theater
who has popcorn
in their lap jumps,
and a little
popcorn goes flying.
And they say, "Ah,
dang, my popcorn!"
And that's what it's like
to get a drive-on on the lot,
according to the book
by the guys who wrote
Night at the Museum. Anyway...
the monster squirrel,
fueled by chili beer,
set its sights on the camp.
Hello? Anyone there?
Deppy?
After all that chili
talk, I got a hankering.
Aah!
(chuckles nervously): Okay.
You got me. Very funny.
HONEYBEE: As Lawler walks
to check the creaking door,
we switch to the killer's POV,
and we hear its
heavy murderer breath.
- Like this...
- (deep, heavy breathing)
My chili!
- (screams)
- (screeches)
- No!
- WOLF: He plunged his giant squirrel teeth
- right into Lawler's neck!
- Aah!
Ripped his head off and
shook it around a little bit.
(babbles) Blood goes everywhere.
Splat, splip, sploop.
And now the monster
killer squirrel has a taste
for skunky beer, killer chili,
and the blood of hunky teens.
HONEYBEE: But
then it's a little later.
Enter Beef. And
he's all like, "Uh-oh,"
'cause there's no Lawler,
only his signature fanny
pack laying there all spooky.
- What the...?
- Let's get some eggs, throw 'em at birds.
They'll be like, "Whoa! Eggs!
Usually these come
out of my butt! No way!"
Guys, don't throw
eggs. It's wasteful.
Says the guy who threw
strawberry jelly everywhere.
- It's not jelly. It's blood.
- Gross!
Ugh! Ever heard
of a Band-Aid, bro?
Ugh. Listen, Lawler is
missing, which I've deduced
because his fanny pack
is lying here without him.
Let's wake Delmer.
He'll know what to do.
No way. Delmer's
old, and that sucks.
Let's go out on our
own with no adults at all.
HONEYBEE: So they
headed out into the woods.
Lawler, where are you?
We have your fanny pack, bro!
Lawler! You left all
your blood in the kitchen!
Quiet. We don't
know what's out here.
Oh, quiet like
this? (imitates fart)
(screams)
Oh, great. Where
did Kinberly go?
We were supposed
to make out later.
BEEF: Paw prints.
We're being hunted.
Let's all go back-to-back
and stick together.
Or, better idea, let's split up.
Mm, definitely not.
And... split!
HONEYBEE: And they split up,
just like dummies
always do in scary movies.
WOLF: Yeah. So obviously
the squirrel gets Duke,
because he wasn't
a main character
and we need a death now to
keep the audience interested.
No! I was going to
open an ice cream shop!
It was going to be called
Duke's Scoops... aah!
WOLF: Then the
squirrel stalks Deppy.
Lawler? Where are you, bro?
Oh, no. This isn't good.
- (screeches)
- (screams)
- (grunts)
- (snarls)
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sorry, I know that
sounded sarcastic,
but that's just how I talk.
I'm genuinely grateful, old man.
- Beef!
- There's a monster out here.
- What should we do?
- Well, hmm.
How did a ground squirrel
mutate into a giant monster?
Could it have encountered
a toxic substance?
Uh, well, we did leave
a skunky killer chili
beer keg in the woods.
It's not a huge whoop.
It actually is a huge whoop.
Littering hurts everyone.
If it's chili that's made him,
it's only chili that
can destroy him.
WOLF: Delmer's plan was simple.
HONEYBEE: They would
make their own skunky chili beer
and use it as bait.
Hmm. What am I missing?
This squirrel doesn't just
want to eat chili, it wants...
Pringles? Frosting?
Blood.
The bait was ready.
WOLF: Dad and Delmer
used their outdoor skills
to construct the perfect trap.
Now all they had to do was wait.
- Can I hold the rope?
- Are you just gonna pull on it
- and then make a big fart sound?
- (chuckles): Yeah.
Shh!
(screechy chittering)
DELMER: Now, Beef!
Release the knot!
HONEYBEE: But the squirrel
didn't fall, and then he used
his super squirrel
strength to slap a tree over.
Oh, no! There's a tree on me!
Boys, pull out your official
Camp Heck Yeah! pocketknives.
Oh, whoops, I put
a candy bar in there.
WOLF: So Dad was on his own!
- Things were about to get nuts!
- (screeches)
Ooh, babe, that could be the
tagline for your movie poster.
Oh, I'll just type it in the
notes app in my phone.
Things...
- were...
- (Delmer snoring)
- Guys, the story.
- Right!
Beef! Throwing star.
Time to hurl this squirrel.
(screeches)
You just got Deppy'd!
- Deppy, you didn't do anything.
- See, Beef?
Everyone thought
you weren't cool,
but you did the
coolest thing of all...
Save everybody's lives.
WOLF: Then it freeze-frames
on them high-fiving
in the air, and
that was the end.
HONEYBEE: Uh-oh.
Speaking of movies,
we might need
to Weekend at
Bernie's this bad boy.
- Ah.
- Oh, did I save the town again with pee?
Better. With your
brain pee: knowledge.
Hey, bud. Just 30 minutes to go,
and then you can
go to Sleep City.
Dad, do a story.
Okay, um...
Ooh, how about Delmer
and the Sea Monster?
- Eh...
- Sure, if you want him to fall asleep and die.
Yeah, that one is boring,
and if I remember correctly,
half that story is lists of
outdated maritime laws.
Uh, I think everyone
loves my maritime law talk.
Dad, I mean this
with love and respect:
I absolutely hate
your maritime law talk.
Maybe For Delmer's life's sake
you could at least let the
sea monster have a fun voice.
Maybe it...
(high-pitched) sounds like this.
I will consider it.
It all started at The
Russian Restaurant.
I had just learned
that my dear Kathleen
was pregnant
with our first child.
I was terrified, so Delmer
and I decided to have
what we called a "rager."
Some lunch and a quiet day
of fishing and contemplations.
We were finishing up
our sandwiches when...
Whoops. (chuckles)
Spilled some
mustard on my shirt.
Look at me,
Mr. Mustard over here.
I'll go to the bathroom
and clean this stain
with some cool water
because, as we all know,
- if you use warm water, it actually sets it.
- JUDY: Dad!
You've been talking about
mustard for five minutes.
- Be exciting.
- Okay. Got it.
- So the mustard stain came out.
- Dad, no.
But more importantly, there
was a salty old sea captain
holding court in the pub.
And there she was, clear
as me hand before me now,
the Sea Monster of Lone Moose.
She was ten stories
tall if she were an inch,
with a long, spiky tail so
sharp it'd surely cut through you
like a hot knife
through blubber!
MOON: Okay,
this sounds like the 1880s.
Oh, please. I allowed you
your historical inaccuracies,
you can allow me mine.
So, putting no stock in
the sea monster yarn,
and with Delmer by
my side, I journeyed out
into uncharted waters.
Ship wreckage.
- Aah!
- Aah! Monster!
This is an active
shipwreck site!
Your interference
violates the following
- eight maritime laws. First...
- Dad! - No!
(screaming)
I'll ready the harpoon gun!
Say your prayers, water demon!
Beef, stop. It's not
trying to hurt us.
It's trying to get to its
child. Look over there.
It's just being protective,
like I was of my kids,
and like you will be
when you're a parent.
Gooblah. Gerblaw.
MOON: No, like this.
(high-pitched):
Gooblah. Gerblaw.
Oh. The mom is upset because
it's separated from its baby.
That's not its mom.
That's its dad. Look below deck.
Oh, yeah. Wow,
that's a weird penis.
Beef, we don't need
to kill the sea monster.
We just need to get it
back together with its baby.
This sea monster is all this
baby has, just like you'll be
all your baby has.
Me? What about Kathleen?
Eh. Don't get me wrong, Beef,
she made for a great Wine
Cooler Queen of Ketchikan,
but she's just not a
Reliable Ricky like you.
I've known you your whole life.
You're going to be a great dad.
(gasping)
This is a great talk, Delmer,
- but I should probably steer the boat out of the way.
- Yup.
- (cheering) - BEEF: And the dad
and the baby sea monster
were reunited, and...
Dad, this is very touching,
but look at Delmer.
Uh, three more minutes.
Then there was lightning!
And thunder! And thunder sounds!
Thunder sounds!
Oh, my! Thunder sounds?
-(thunder crashing) -The
engine cut out! We're stuck!
(both scream)
DELMER: The boat's on fire!
Shall we prepare to die?
Couldn't hurt.
BEEF: But suddenly the boat
started to move out of the storm
and towards the shore.
- Gerblaw! - And in the end,
because we had helped
the dad, he helped us.
Just a couple of
dads helping dads.
Isn't that right, Delmer?
(snoring)
- Delms!
- Don't worry,
we're past the four-hour mark.
- We did it.
- Look at him all peaceful, catching some Zs.
Or should I say
catching some Ds?
- 'Cause he's Delmer.
- Wolf, no...
Don't say "catching some Ds."
DELMER:
Hey, Beef, thanks for telling me
those nice stories
to keep me up last night.
Yeah, it was interesting
to revisit the memories
of what those stories
were based on.
Like when me and Brian came
to live with you for a while
because our parents joined
that space cult.
What a couple of knuckleheads.
And when I worked
at your summer camp
because my parents
were "unavailable"
due to their involvement
in the conspiracy
to poison the mayor.
And when Kathleen got pregnant,
you did take me out fishing.
You were pretty nervous.
But you calmed me down.
Delmer, you were my parent
when I needed one.
And for that,
I will always be thankful.
Well, Beef, my boy,
I love...
(snoring)
(clicking)
(continues snoring)
- (farts)
- Dear Lord, Delmer.
(chuckles)
Gotcha again.
♪ Bork is the word,
it's a noun, it's a verb ♪
♪ It means every single thing ♪
♪ Tulips, turnips and turds ♪
♪ Bork is the word,
sister, have you heard? ♪
♪ There's nothing
that it doesn't mean ♪
♪ Now Bork me as I swerve ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork,
Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork,
Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Bork ♪
♪ A Bork is a cork,
a fork is a Bork ♪
♪ When you have
a little Borkie ♪
♪ It's brought by the stork ♪
♪ Bork is the word ♪
♪ A noun and a verb ♪
♪ It means every single thing,
now Bork me ♪
♪ While I swerve! Bork! ♪
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
(cheering)
HONEYBEE:
So no one in this family
has ever bought shorts before?
Absolutely not.
If you want shorts,
buy pants, wear 'em
till the knees give out,
and cut 'em off
like a normal person.
Honestly, the entire shorts
industry should be shut down.
- Bunch of crooks.
- (phone rings)
You've reached
the cellular device of Beef,
owner of device speaking.
Mm-hmm.
Got it. Be right there.
Now, don't freak out,
but that was the hospital.
Delmer bonked his head
eating soup too fast.
He just slipped
right out of his chair.
- Oh, no.
- Papa D.
Chairs are tricky.
I want that soup brought
to justice.
They're releasing him,
but he can't drive himself.
I'm gonna go pick him up.
Aw, it's so nice/weird
that your dad is best friends
with a sweet 80-year-old man.
Their personalities are
the same age.
Oh, yeah, Dad and Delmer
have always been super close.
Delmer's kids were grown
and moved away,
and Dad's parents were fun
but absolutely bonkers.
And not always around.
So whenever he needed help...
- Or advice.
- Or someone to help him
with his homework
who knew the entire alphabet.
Grandpa was pretty good
up to "Q,"
but after that
he'd just circle back to "A."
Dad would just go
over to Uncle Delmer's.
He was his rock.
Everyone needs a rock.
Personally, my rock is The Rock.
Have you guys seen Skyscraper?
He humiliates
that dumbass building.
BEEF:
Ding-dong.
Delmer's here.
And he might have a concussion.
You can't have this angel yet.
- You hear me?
- Who are these people?
Those hippies from the news?
(gasps) He's got jimjam amnesia!
Ha-ha! Gotcha!
My brain works fine.
- Oh! (laughs) - Good one, D.
- I was got.
But if I ever lose
my wits like that,
flip me into the wood
chipper, will you?
You have my word.
The doctor recommended
we keep him up
for the next four hours in
case he has a concussion.
Four hours? Oh, that's
way past my bedtime.
I'm usually tucked
in by 9:00 p.m.
Now, who has a good idea
of how to keep Delmer awake
- for 240 minutes?
- I could just bust out my pan flute and...
OTHERS: No, no,
no, no! No, no, no, no!
- Okay.
- I know.
We could tell some Delmer
stories to keep Delmer awake.
You know, like the ones
Dad used to tell us at bedtime.
Beef used to tell
you stories about me?
Oh, yeah. Dad would
tell us bedtime stories
about the adventures
you two had together.
They were very exciting.
Sometimes Dad would even have
to swaddle me after
to calm me down.
Personally, my favorite
was always the one
about the thing
that fell from the sky.
Sure was. Ham and Moon's, too.
It's got everything kids
love: aliens, pee, buffets...
Yep. It all started
30-some years ago.
When a young Dad and Uncle Brian
were outside of this very house.
Being kissed by
the cool night air.
- Beef! A shooting star!
- Hmm.
Wait a second. Our
Farmers' Almanac
didn't predict any
meteor showers tonight.
But I guess nature
can surprise you.
MOON: The next morning,
Delmer was at Maude's.
Everyone was
bebop'ing to the jukebox,
the waitresses were
all on roller skates,
and poodle skirts were poodlin'.
BEEF: How old
- do you think I am?
- I'm describing the '80s.
That's the '50s.
You know what? Never
mind. Just keep going.
HAM: Delmer was waiting
patiently to order his usual breakfast...
Black coffee and a hard-boiled
egg he brought from home...
When, to his surprise...
How surprising. You're
not my regular waitress.
Yeah, hon. Moira's
mysteriously gone missing.
My husband is also missing.
I emptied his bank account. He
would have wanted it that way.
HAM: Meanwhile,
unable to find their parents
when they woke that morning,
Dad and Uncle Brian
set off to find Delmer.
Delmer, we can't
find Mom and Dad.
We've checked all
their usual places...
The dumpster behind
the pretzel factory, jail...
- But nothing.
- So, what can I get you?
The check, please.
Time to go
fishing... for the truth.
I thought he was
gonna say for fish.
I don't suppose you think
Mom and Dad's disappearance
has anything to do with that
incredibly mysterious meteor
we saw last night that
crashed into the woods?
I do suppose.
Come on, boys, kita.
HAM: So the three of them headed
to the secret
government headquarters
in Delmer's dinosaur race car.
Dad added that part during
Moon's heavy dinosaur phase.
MOON: Which is ongoing.
HAM: And they raced
off to the building.
(snores)
Wakey-wakey,
don't die today-key.
Yep, I'm here.
JUDY: Once inside, they
headed to the one place
all government
secrets are kept...
HAM: The administrative office.
DELMER: Hello. I'd like the form
that's used to figure out
where all the adults in town
- have gone, please.
- Mm-kay.
JUDY: But just then, the
administrator got an itchy nose.
But not on her human
nose... On her nonhuman nose.
So she took her
head off, revealing...
MOON: ♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪
- That she was an alien!
- (gasping)
Ah, crud. Did I just
take my head off
and reveal that I'm an alien?
Hold on. I can't see
through this thing.
Yep, you took it off.
So, listen, we're going to
put our human heads back on,
and then we can all just pretend
that none of this ever happened.
Okay? Everyone agree?
Let's pinkie promise.
(Beef screaming)
Let go of my brother!
(screams)
JUDY: And now that
they officially knew
that aliens had
taken over the town,
they officially had to
check out that meteor.
So Dad led Delmer
and Uncle Brian
to the spot where he saw
the glowing object land.
HAM: And that's when they found
the town's adults being force-fed
- from a massive buffet.
- JUDY: Because the aliens
had a plan that was
truly heinous from Uranus.
Bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork-bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork-bork. Bork-bork. Bork.
Bork...
Oh, poop bomb. That's scary.
I hope it doesn't go off.
Yeah, it used to be
just a regular bomb,
but Dad added the poop because
poop really makes Judy laugh.
(laughs): It totally does.
Wait, Delmer, what's the
Yupik word for "poop" again?
- Anaq.
- (laughing)
See? It's funny in any language.
Oh, man. (chuckles)
Judy, may I go on?
Luckily, Delmer, the
smartest person we know,
happened to be fluent in Bork,
so he was able to decipher
what they were saying.
DELMER: Oh, no! Countdown clock!
All the numbers are in Bork,
but trust me, it's counting down.
We've got Bork minutes to go.
Hey, buddy.
Just three hours to
go till you can sleep.
That's right, but the
residents of Lone Moose
- didn't even have three hours.
- Because the aliens were planning
to bomb the poop out
of Lone Moose, Delmer,
Dad and Uncle Brian ran back
to Delmer's house to regroup.
MOON: That's when Delmer
decided to take a think-and-pee,
because he does all his
best thinking while peeing.
HAM: But then a cold breeze
blew in from the window
and gave him the wiener
shivers, causing him to jump.
And the alien tentacle he
had pocketed earlier fell out!
Pee hit the tentacle, and it
shriveled up and disappeared!
MOON: And that's
when Delmer realized
that the aliens might
have loved poop,
but pee would
kill them instantly!
JUDY: It was time
to show those aliens
why pee has always
been number one.
HAM: Thus began
Operation Golden Powers.
MOON: They drank all
the liquids in the fridge
and filled the
balloons with pee.
JUDY: The aliens thought
they had it all wrapped up
as they celebrated.
- But...
- Pee-pee-ki-yay, mother-Borkers!
Say hello to my yellow friend!
Pee you in hell!
HAM: They were really a
bunch of catchphrase kings.
(screams)
(groans)
JUDY: And then Delmer figured
out how to disarm the bomb.
Well, obviously it's the
brown one. For poop.
(laughs)
Poop. Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
HAM: Then he freed
all the adults, who all still
really had to poop.
So they started pooping
absolutely everywhere...
But with freedom and a deep
sense of gratitude to Delmer.
MOON: And Dad and Uncle
Brian found their parents
and took them home
to poop in peace.
The end.
Or was it?
- It was.
- Fun story, kids.
I enjoyed the poop out of it.
- (yawns)
- Uh-oh.
(singsongy): Someone's
looking sleepy.
But don't worry, D,
I'm gonna tell you
my favorite Delmer story,
and it's gonna knock
your friggin' socks off!
Okay, but fair warning,
several of my toes are dead.
The story's about the
time that Dad worked
at that summer camp you
owned, Camp Heck Yeah!
Oh, Heck Yeah!
Those were good times.
Sure, those seemed
like good times,
but underneath the
surface, a terror lurked.
Ooh, are we doing a horror
film set at summer camp?
I'm very familiar
with the genre.
I've seen them all.
Friday the 13th.
Cabin in the Woods.
Camp Scamps 2:
Arnold's at It Again.
So I'll be able to
jump in on the story.
Fade in... Exterior.
Camp Heck Yeah! Day.
The camp was a classic teen camp
right out of the actual '80s.
BEEF: It wasn't the '80s
when I worked there, guys.
- I'm not that old.
- Agree to disagree.
WOLF: But like all
summer sleepaway camps,
there was a pack of counselors
who only cared about being cool.
And the two dudes
who cared the most
were Deppy and Lawler.
They were both out to impress
the hot girl counselor Kinberly.
And Duke was there, too.
Yeah, we hid the keg
Lawler got in the woods.
We're totally
gonna party tonight.
Gonna get so twisted.
I'm gonna get
twisted and scrambled.
How about you, Beef,
You gonna get warped?
No. I am not.
I plan to spend my free
time honing my survival skills.
Whatever, Beef.
Have fun surviving.
(laughter)
WOLF: Then Delmer
walked over to Dad
for what's called the "tickling
the baby" moment in the movie.
It's when the hero does
something cool early on
- to make you like them.
- Hey, Beef,
you got that friction
fire going nice and quick.
So why the frown?
It's just that I thought all
the other counselors here
would be serious,
outdoor-minded people,
not a bunch of
darn Silly Billies.
Okay, Beef, first, let's
watch our language.
Sorry, Delmer. Just because
I don't like to get warped
or fizzled or
zip-zapped, I'm not cool?
(groans) It's frustrating.
I know a lot of counselors
here are real Party Patricks,
and you're more of a
fellow friend of nature.
But I'm always happy to work
on survival skills with you, Beef.
- Ah, that'd be great.
- Well, first thing is my favorite knot.
Watch me. That's
a quick release knot.
Now, how about some
advanced pocketknife skills?
One thing I like to do is open
all the little doodads on mine
- and use it as a throwing star.
- WOLF: Oh, and that's
one of those pieces of dialogue
you should pay attention to,
because it'll probably
come back around later.
Oop! Look what time it is.
I think it's Rice Krispie Treat
o'clock down at the mess hall.
HONEYBEE: Then there
was one of those shots
where you see them
walking away together all nice,
but then some weird ominous
music starts to play like this:
(wavering tones): ♪
Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. ♪
And it's clear that the nice
part of the movie is over
and it's about to get creepy.
WOLF: That night the cool
counselors were partying in the woods.
(loud spitting)
Gross!
This beer tastes
like spicy beans!
Oh, my God! What the
hell is all this chunky stuff
- on the side of the keg?
- I don't know.
I found the keg
sitting in the sun
behind that abandoned
chili restaurant
near the toxic waste dump
that's owned by that cult.
Oh, Chaz's Killer
Chili. Love that place.
Well, I'm definitely never
making out with you now.
Unless I'm super bored.
(scoffs) Let's get
out of here, Kinberly.
I've got some Swatch watches
in my cabin I want to show you.
Tubular. And I want to
talk about how much I love
the Berlin Wall.
Way to go, Lawler, you dingus.
- You blew it!
- WOLF: But that wasn't the end
of the skunky chili
beer keg. Oh, no.
Because one inquisitive little
ground squirrel came along
and decided to
take a spicy bite.
And then... oh, no!
The squirrel was trapped
in the toxic chili keg.
And that chili
wasn't the only thing
that was about to be killer.
HONEYBEE: This is when
everyone in the theater
who has popcorn
in their lap jumps,
and a little
popcorn goes flying.
And they say, "Ah,
dang, my popcorn!"
And that's what it's like
to get a drive-on on the lot,
according to the book
by the guys who wrote
Night at the Museum. Anyway...
the monster squirrel,
fueled by chili beer,
set its sights on the camp.
Hello? Anyone there?
Deppy?
After all that chili
talk, I got a hankering.
Aah!
(chuckles nervously): Okay.
You got me. Very funny.
HONEYBEE: As Lawler walks
to check the creaking door,
we switch to the killer's POV,
and we hear its
heavy murderer breath.
- Like this...
- (deep, heavy breathing)
My chili!
- (screams)
- (screeches)
- No!
- WOLF: He plunged his giant squirrel teeth
- right into Lawler's neck!
- Aah!
Ripped his head off and
shook it around a little bit.
(babbles) Blood goes everywhere.
Splat, splip, sploop.
And now the monster
killer squirrel has a taste
for skunky beer, killer chili,
and the blood of hunky teens.
HONEYBEE: But
then it's a little later.
Enter Beef. And
he's all like, "Uh-oh,"
'cause there's no Lawler,
only his signature fanny
pack laying there all spooky.
- What the...?
- Let's get some eggs, throw 'em at birds.
They'll be like, "Whoa! Eggs!
Usually these come
out of my butt! No way!"
Guys, don't throw
eggs. It's wasteful.
Says the guy who threw
strawberry jelly everywhere.
- It's not jelly. It's blood.
- Gross!
Ugh! Ever heard
of a Band-Aid, bro?
Ugh. Listen, Lawler is
missing, which I've deduced
because his fanny pack
is lying here without him.
Let's wake Delmer.
He'll know what to do.
No way. Delmer's
old, and that sucks.
Let's go out on our
own with no adults at all.
HONEYBEE: So they
headed out into the woods.
Lawler, where are you?
We have your fanny pack, bro!
Lawler! You left all
your blood in the kitchen!
Quiet. We don't
know what's out here.
Oh, quiet like
this? (imitates fart)
(screams)
Oh, great. Where
did Kinberly go?
We were supposed
to make out later.
BEEF: Paw prints.
We're being hunted.
Let's all go back-to-back
and stick together.
Or, better idea, let's split up.
Mm, definitely not.
And... split!
HONEYBEE: And they split up,
just like dummies
always do in scary movies.
WOLF: Yeah. So obviously
the squirrel gets Duke,
because he wasn't
a main character
and we need a death now to
keep the audience interested.
No! I was going to
open an ice cream shop!
It was going to be called
Duke's Scoops... aah!
WOLF: Then the
squirrel stalks Deppy.
Lawler? Where are you, bro?
Oh, no. This isn't good.
- (screeches)
- (screams)
- (grunts)
- (snarls)
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sorry, I know that
sounded sarcastic,
but that's just how I talk.
I'm genuinely grateful, old man.
- Beef!
- There's a monster out here.
- What should we do?
- Well, hmm.
How did a ground squirrel
mutate into a giant monster?
Could it have encountered
a toxic substance?
Uh, well, we did leave
a skunky killer chili
beer keg in the woods.
It's not a huge whoop.
It actually is a huge whoop.
Littering hurts everyone.
If it's chili that's made him,
it's only chili that
can destroy him.
WOLF: Delmer's plan was simple.
HONEYBEE: They would
make their own skunky chili beer
and use it as bait.
Hmm. What am I missing?
This squirrel doesn't just
want to eat chili, it wants...
Pringles? Frosting?
Blood.
The bait was ready.
WOLF: Dad and Delmer
used their outdoor skills
to construct the perfect trap.
Now all they had to do was wait.
- Can I hold the rope?
- Are you just gonna pull on it
- and then make a big fart sound?
- (chuckles): Yeah.
Shh!
(screechy chittering)
DELMER: Now, Beef!
Release the knot!
HONEYBEE: But the squirrel
didn't fall, and then he used
his super squirrel
strength to slap a tree over.
Oh, no! There's a tree on me!
Boys, pull out your official
Camp Heck Yeah! pocketknives.
Oh, whoops, I put
a candy bar in there.
WOLF: So Dad was on his own!
- Things were about to get nuts!
- (screeches)
Ooh, babe, that could be the
tagline for your movie poster.
Oh, I'll just type it in the
notes app in my phone.
Things...
- were...
- (Delmer snoring)
- Guys, the story.
- Right!
Beef! Throwing star.
Time to hurl this squirrel.
(screeches)
You just got Deppy'd!
- Deppy, you didn't do anything.
- See, Beef?
Everyone thought
you weren't cool,
but you did the
coolest thing of all...
Save everybody's lives.
WOLF: Then it freeze-frames
on them high-fiving
in the air, and
that was the end.
HONEYBEE: Uh-oh.
Speaking of movies,
we might need
to Weekend at
Bernie's this bad boy.
- Ah.
- Oh, did I save the town again with pee?
Better. With your
brain pee: knowledge.
Hey, bud. Just 30 minutes to go,
and then you can
go to Sleep City.
Dad, do a story.
Okay, um...
Ooh, how about Delmer
and the Sea Monster?
- Eh...
- Sure, if you want him to fall asleep and die.
Yeah, that one is boring,
and if I remember correctly,
half that story is lists of
outdated maritime laws.
Uh, I think everyone
loves my maritime law talk.
Dad, I mean this
with love and respect:
I absolutely hate
your maritime law talk.
Maybe For Delmer's life's sake
you could at least let the
sea monster have a fun voice.
Maybe it...
(high-pitched) sounds like this.
I will consider it.
It all started at The
Russian Restaurant.
I had just learned
that my dear Kathleen
was pregnant
with our first child.
I was terrified, so Delmer
and I decided to have
what we called a "rager."
Some lunch and a quiet day
of fishing and contemplations.
We were finishing up
our sandwiches when...
Whoops. (chuckles)
Spilled some
mustard on my shirt.
Look at me,
Mr. Mustard over here.
I'll go to the bathroom
and clean this stain
with some cool water
because, as we all know,
- if you use warm water, it actually sets it.
- JUDY: Dad!
You've been talking about
mustard for five minutes.
- Be exciting.
- Okay. Got it.
- So the mustard stain came out.
- Dad, no.
But more importantly, there
was a salty old sea captain
holding court in the pub.
And there she was, clear
as me hand before me now,
the Sea Monster of Lone Moose.
She was ten stories
tall if she were an inch,
with a long, spiky tail so
sharp it'd surely cut through you
like a hot knife
through blubber!
MOON: Okay,
this sounds like the 1880s.
Oh, please. I allowed you
your historical inaccuracies,
you can allow me mine.
So, putting no stock in
the sea monster yarn,
and with Delmer by
my side, I journeyed out
into uncharted waters.
Ship wreckage.
- Aah!
- Aah! Monster!
This is an active
shipwreck site!
Your interference
violates the following
- eight maritime laws. First...
- Dad! - No!
(screaming)
I'll ready the harpoon gun!
Say your prayers, water demon!
Beef, stop. It's not
trying to hurt us.
It's trying to get to its
child. Look over there.
It's just being protective,
like I was of my kids,
and like you will be
when you're a parent.
Gooblah. Gerblaw.
MOON: No, like this.
(high-pitched):
Gooblah. Gerblaw.
Oh. The mom is upset because
it's separated from its baby.
That's not its mom.
That's its dad. Look below deck.
Oh, yeah. Wow,
that's a weird penis.
Beef, we don't need
to kill the sea monster.
We just need to get it
back together with its baby.
This sea monster is all this
baby has, just like you'll be
all your baby has.
Me? What about Kathleen?
Eh. Don't get me wrong, Beef,
she made for a great Wine
Cooler Queen of Ketchikan,
but she's just not a
Reliable Ricky like you.
I've known you your whole life.
You're going to be a great dad.
(gasping)
This is a great talk, Delmer,
- but I should probably steer the boat out of the way.
- Yup.
- (cheering) - BEEF: And the dad
and the baby sea monster
were reunited, and...
Dad, this is very touching,
but look at Delmer.
Uh, three more minutes.
Then there was lightning!
And thunder! And thunder sounds!
Thunder sounds!
Oh, my! Thunder sounds?
-(thunder crashing) -The
engine cut out! We're stuck!
(both scream)
DELMER: The boat's on fire!
Shall we prepare to die?
Couldn't hurt.
BEEF: But suddenly the boat
started to move out of the storm
and towards the shore.
- Gerblaw! - And in the end,
because we had helped
the dad, he helped us.
Just a couple of
dads helping dads.
Isn't that right, Delmer?
(snoring)
- Delms!
- Don't worry,
we're past the four-hour mark.
- We did it.
- Look at him all peaceful, catching some Zs.
Or should I say
catching some Ds?
- 'Cause he's Delmer.
- Wolf, no...
Don't say "catching some Ds."
DELMER:
Hey, Beef, thanks for telling me
those nice stories
to keep me up last night.
Yeah, it was interesting
to revisit the memories
of what those stories
were based on.
Like when me and Brian came
to live with you for a while
because our parents joined
that space cult.
What a couple of knuckleheads.
And when I worked
at your summer camp
because my parents
were "unavailable"
due to their involvement
in the conspiracy
to poison the mayor.
And when Kathleen got pregnant,
you did take me out fishing.
You were pretty nervous.
But you calmed me down.
Delmer, you were my parent
when I needed one.
And for that,
I will always be thankful.
Well, Beef, my boy,
I love...
(snoring)
(clicking)
(continues snoring)
- (farts)
- Dear Lord, Delmer.
(chuckles)
Gotcha again.
♪ Bork is the word,
it's a noun, it's a verb ♪
♪ It means every single thing ♪
♪ Tulips, turnips and turds ♪
♪ Bork is the word,
sister, have you heard? ♪
♪ There's nothing
that it doesn't mean ♪
♪ Now Bork me as I swerve ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork,
Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork,
Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪
♪ Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Bork ♪
♪ A Bork is a cork,
a fork is a Bork ♪
♪ When you have
a little Borkie ♪
♪ It's brought by the stork ♪
♪ Bork is the word ♪
♪ A noun and a verb ♪
♪ It means every single thing,
now Bork me ♪
♪ While I swerve! Bork! ♪
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