The Great North (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Avocado Barter Adventure - full transcript

Wolf tries to find Honeybee the perfect gift for their six-month anniversary, while Judy interviews her for the school newspaper and learns about her early years in Fresno.

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

BEEF: In honor
of the six-month anniversary

of Wolf and Honeybee's meeting,
everyone gets

six eggs, six pancakes,

six glasses of orange juice,

- and six cups of coffee.
- Looks great, Dad. Very normal.

Since Wolf and Honeybee meeting
was a dream come true for them,

maybe we should go around the
table and all share our dreams.

Well, I'm living my dreams.

My sleep is purely
for recuperating.

I had a dream I was Eleanor
Roosevelt's personal assistant

and I just kept saying,
"You go, girl!"

I dreamt that I was being chased
by a bear.

But then I was the bear, and
the bear had to poop, so I did.

And then I woke up...

and I had.

I dreamt that I was
in a giant pool,

but instead of water,
it was filled with guacamole.

And I was floating
on a big chip.

Baby, that's the third
guacamole dream this week.

Ooh! This is great stuff.

Recurring guacamole dreams are
exactly the kind of human color

I need for
my Moose Droppings profile.

Whenever a new resident arrives
in Lone Moose,

I write an article about them
for the school newspaper.

Honeybee, should we retire
to my office for our interview?

We're on record starting... now.

Okay. But I don't want
some puff piece.

I don't want to sue you,
but I want to want to sue you.

Oh, no, no, no!

I really milked the elk
on this one, guys.

What's the problem, son?

I wanted me and Honeybee's
six-month anniversary

to be extra special.

Tonight, as you know,
I've decided on

a romantic dinner party
where we can celebrate our cool,

sexy relationship...
Just me, my fiancée

and my entire family.

And the party will be based
around the movie Shrek,

which we both love and which
played a big part in us meeting.

- So what's the problem?
- The problem is that

the gift I got her is just
a ding-dang certificate

for a couples massage.

Son, I want to feel upset
and anxious for you,

but give me something
to work with here.

A gift certificate is
so obvious.

You guys heard her talking
about her guacamole dreams.

She's friggin' obsessed.

Oh, if I could get my hands
on some avocados...

Now, that would be
a good anniversary present.

Avocados are not gonna be easy
to find in Lone Moose

at this time of year,
or in Lone Moose, period.

We don't have avocados,
is my point.

Well, I got to get 'em.

I-I don't want her to break up
with me like Lara Silverblatt.

And everybody else
I've ever dated.

Who is Lara Silverblatt?

Wolf's most recent

She used to babysit you.

She was your karate teacher,
Sensei Silverblatt.

Not ringing a bell,
but I have face blindness, so...

Moon, we've been over this.

You do not have face blindness.

And even if you did,
these are facts about her.

You don't have fact blindness.

Honeybee is the one.
I-I can't lose her.

And that's why everything today
has to be perfect.

But I can't track down avocados
if I also have to make

these goshdang Shrek decorations

for the party tonight.

What do you think
the Tobin Party Posse is for?

Your brother Ham,
your sister Judy and I

have been known to throw quite
a soiree on a moment's notice.

But, Dad, Judy's gonna be
interviewing Honeybee all day.

Son, just because your sister
has all the ideas,

buys all the materials, and
then hand-makes each decoration

before telling us
where to put 'em

doesn't mean we can't do this
without her.

-We shall make
the Shrok decorations

while you try to find avocados.

Thank you, Father.
Did you say Shrok?

- I'm coming with you.
- Great!

If anybody can track an avocado

through the Alaskan wilderness,
it's you.

I just hope your face blindness
doesn't slow us down.

Avocados don't have faces.

Great! Let's guac and roll.

It's not every day
I get to interview

a sophisticated, big-city woman.

I guess my first question is...

tell me everything.

Well, Judypie, I'm
a Fresno native, as you know,

and everything was blazin'
in the Big Raisin.

I'd just gotten
my business degree

from Fresno City College,

and Fresno had everything
a hungry,

young entrepreneur could want...
Valet parking

at many of our mid-range
restaurants and hotels,

multiple loosely-Italian-
inspired coffee shops,

and a beautiful
office supply store.

The only problem was my parent.

(Judy gasps)

- Were they cursed?
- What? No.

They're people,
not ancient artifacts.

Right. So not... cursed.

WOLF: Hey, Old Jody Jr.

How's it hangin', my main man?

I got a few things
hanging currently,

so you'll have to be more...
(hawks, clears throat) specific.

Wonderful. Look, I'm wondering
if you can get something for...

- Yup.
- Y-You didn't even hear
what it was.

If it exists, I can get it.
Name something.

- Name something?
- Name something that exists,

I'll tell you if I can get it.
- Uh, the master tapes

- from Def Leppard's Pyromania.
- Yup, I can get 'em.

Might take a few days.

You could really get
the master tapes

from Def Leppard's Pyromania
in a few days?

- Yup.
- Okay. Well, today I just need

some avocados
for someone special.

(whistles) Green gold?

That's gonna cost you.

Oh, of course. How much?

Uh, now, bear in mind,
I don't have any money.

- Uh, got anything to trade?
- Got a gift certificate

- for a couples massage.
- Meet me back here in an hour.

- Well, that was easy.
- MOON: If you say so.

Old Jody Jr.'s
always ripping everybody off,

because he thinks
he's the only game in town,

and that's just because
he's the only game in town.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, you want to go
to Maude's All Day,

get an ice cream sundae
while we wait?

Don't patronize me.

And yes, I do.

Wow, that was
a very thorough description

of your parents' faces
and bodies.

Now, uh, take me
to personality town.

What are they like? I mean,
amazing, like you, obviously,

of course,
but what else, what else?

- What else can you tell me?
- Louis and Ruth Shaw

are the Curtain King and Queen
of Fresno.

The problem was, they wanted me
to sell all that stuff, too,

but hawking curtains wasn't
my calling.

We got some
beautiful denim curtains

from the Brian Williams "Off
the Record" collection today.

Honeybee, maybe you'd like
to handle the launch.

It's good practice for when
you take over the store.

I've told you, I don't want
to take over the store.

- Can't Jerry do it?
- Leave him out of it.

Guys, please don't make me
take sides.

Except a side of these
delicious mashed potatoes. Mmm.

Honeybee, you're the oldest.

Besides, Jerrybee
doesn't have a business degree.

And he doesn't need one
to sell blinds.

Wow. So that's all you think
your mother and I do,

"sell blinds"?

Dad, how many times
have you told us the story

about how you moved to Fresno
with $30 in your pocket

and a bolt
of "uncut velvet drapery"?

You followed your dreams.
All I want is to follow mine.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Let me guess:
It's Calvin Prescott,

the Linoleum Prince of Fresno,
pretending like he just happened

to be in the neighborhood again,
isn't it?

It's Calvin Prescott!

The Linoleum Prince of Fresno.

He just happened to be
in the neighborhood.

Hello, Mr. Shaw. Jerry.
Hey, Honeybee.

Honeybee, maybe you two
should go for a drive

so you can get to know
each other better.

We've known each other
since we were 12!

Fine. Come on, Calvin,

let's get this sham setup
over with.

This isn't a "sham setup,"
young lady.

It's a normal, regular,
very real setup.

Now, go fall in love
with Calvin.

- As promised.
- Uh, uh, wai...

These are frigging pears.

Hot damn!
Big Jeff must've ripped me off.

Well, you just can't trust
Big Jeff.

But don't you worry,
I'm going over there

to give him a what for.

Good, but at the very least,

I'm gonna need
that gift certificate back.

Would if I could,
but that sucker is long gone.

I-It's been an hour.

You already went
and got a couples massage?

I traded it for seven cartons
of printer toner.

Old Jody Jr. has still got it.

Well, what am I supposed to do
with these stupid pears?!

Hey, when life gives you pears,
make pear milk!

- MOON: I...
- Don't.

- Told...
- Moon.

- You...
- Stop.

- So.
- Dang it!

Welp, great news. The second
round of ice cream sundaes

in an hour has given me
a pretty good idea.

What if we just make guacamole
out of these pears?

And then we say,
"Yum! This guac is good."

Hopefully, she won't notice.

I think she'll notice.

Yeah, she notices everything.

And that's what I love
about her.

Just the other day she noticed I
had spaghetti all over my shirt.

I mean, just everywhere.

Dang it!
Well, now I don't have avocados

or a gift certificate
for a couples massage!

- I think I can help you.
- Oh, thank you, Moon,

but it would be weird,
not to mention inappropriate,

for you to give me
and my fiancée massages.

No, Wolf, I'm in fifth grade.

Yeah, that's kind of my point.

our grade's entire economy

is a lawless barter operation.

We need to go see
my friend Henry.

If we're making
Shrek decorations,

the Party Posse's
first order of business

is to watch some Shrek.

- We can stream it.
- Hmm, good idea.

I'll get my waders. (chuckles)

- Because of the stream.
- Very good one, Dad.

- Uh-oh. Is the Wi-Fi down?
- Ah. Yes.

The falcons are using the dish
as a nest again.

In 30 days, the circle of life
will be complete,

and we'll have the Wi-Fi back.

Okay. No big deal.

I saw ten minutes of Shrek
at a slumber party

eight years ago
before I fell asleep,

- so I think I got the gist.
- Great. Where do we begin?

So, the first thing
you need to know

is that Shrek is dark gray
and he loves the beach.

JUDY: Wow! The view of Fresno

at night sounds so romantic.

Being there with Calvin
was not romantic.

We're more like
brother and sister.

A brother and sister whose
parents desperately wanted them

to marry each other.

Don't get me wrong...
Calvin was a good guy.

He just wasn't for me.
For example,

I love watching movies,
and Calvin loves...


- Isn't it Fres-taking?
- Mm.

Uh, sorry I came over tonight...
Pretending to take you out

is just easier than telling
my parents how we really feel.

Why can't they understand
that we want to build

our own businesses one day,
and travel.

- Nobody puts baby in a corner.
- What?

- Dirty Dancing?
- Not tonight. I'm pretty beat.

I mean, Fresno's great...
The Island Water Park,

Little Sweden... but what
if I want to see big Sweden?

What do you want
out of life, Calvin?

I'll probably just sell linoleum
and get old and die

and be buried
at Fresno Memorial Gardens.

My parents actually picked out
a gravesite for me.

It's already paid for,
which is really nice.

They bought the headstone, too.

Pretty much
all I have left to do is die.

You make it sound great,
but I feel the need,

- the need for speed!
- Okay.

I mean, it's a Prius,
but let's see what she can do.

HONEYBEE: So, that night,

like most nights, I
cheered myself up by logging on

to the Famous Movie Quotes
Online Message Board

and that's when I met him.

- (gasps) Who?
- Wolf.

Honk. Of course! I honestly
forgot he was in this story.

WOLF: Ogres are like onions.

They have layers.

- And this ogre is named Wolf.
- You had me at onions.

MOON: And the party's tonight.

So you can see the problem.

I told him you could help.

Avocados are going to be tough
to find in Lone Moose

at this time of year.

But I can take that box of pears

and turn it into, like,
300 baseball cards.

- Does Honeybee like
baseball cards?
- I don't know, but...

Now, each pack of baseball cards
has a stick of gum in it,

so you'd also be giving her
a lot of gum.

- That is nice, but...
- MRS. TUNTLEY: I thought

you boys might be hungry
for some pizza Lunchables.

- Thank you, Mrs. Tuntley.
- Thank you, Henry's mom.

I put them together myself.
I could not resist.

Mom! That's half the fun!

Don't I know it!

I couldn't help but overhear you
talking about avocados.

Have you tried calling your
Uncle Mike in Anchorage?

He works at the Kleiman's
Quality Center up there.

You want me to give him a call?

- Would you, Mrs. T?
- I'm on it.

Hi, Mike. Henry's adult friend

needs to get his hands
on some avocados.

Yeah, today. You have any money?

Nope. I think we're looking at
a barter here, Mike.

Okay, so he's got a few,
and he's willing to trade

for a Suzuki motorcycle seat.

- Great.
- He's in.

So, did you get the video I sent

of that rat singing
the national anthem?

Well, then,
why didn't you call me back?

Ugh, now we have avocados,

but we don't have
a Suzuki motorcycle seat.

But you've got a box of pears,
don't you?

- You can do a barter chain.
- Barter chain?

See that hilarious lampshade
that looks like a hula skirt?

I traded my way
up to that lampshade

starting with
a single dead AAA battery.

Oh, oh, yeah, wow.

Now, who do we know
that might like pears?

♪ ♪

♪ Wigs ♪

♪ Bait ♪

♪ Fish ♪

♪ Sign ♪

♪ Magazines ♪

♪ Chair ♪

♪ Defibrillator ♪

♪ Seat, high five. ♪

Ooh, I can feel
those ocean breezes.

It's like Shrek always says,
get my ass to Kokomo.

Mm. Bang-up job
on that sign, son.

And the way you arranged
those chairs? Aloha.

At the risk of sounding
incredibly arrogant,

I feel like
we're doing a decent job.

Oh, super dece.
So, let's talk menu.

From what I recall,
Shrek loves two things:

savory desserts and tapas.

WOLF: We did it. Barter chain.

Who knew?

- I knew.
- Thank you, Moon.

All I ask is that next time you
listen to me from the beginning.

Well, you're still ten, so we'll
take it on a case-by-case basis.

Okay, now we have
to get to Anchorage.

If we take the ferry to Chiku,
we can hop a bus to Talkeetna,

and then we just
hitchhike to, like...

Can we do all that
in three hours?

According to the website,
the next ferry comes at...

tomorrow morning... Crap!

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Maybe someone on that plane
has avocados.

Or we could see
if they'll take us to Anchorage.

Oh, sure, sure.

But if they happen
to have avocados, also good.

Ahoy, captain.
My brother and I need to take

a quick round trip to Anchorage.

Wolf Tobin?

- Lara Silverblatt.
- Do we know you?

Hello, Moon. Still pretending
to have face blindness, I see.

What are you doing here?

I-I thought
you were in Moose Pass

getting your bush pilot's

- I was.
- What happened?

Oh, wow. You got it?


Well, I know this was awkward
for both of us,

but, uh, we just wanted
to come say congrats.

So, congrats and bye-bye.

We need to get
to Anchorage ASAP to trade

this Suzuki motorcycle seat
for a box of avocados.

Okay, I'll take you,
but no backseat flying.

Unless I die mid-flight.

Then you can just reach over me
and take the controls.

So your brother and I
got serious pretty quickly.

As serious as two people

who had only communicated
via an online message board

dedicated to famous movie quotes
can get.

Hey, sorry, I got your message
pretty late last night,

but I agree, Multiplicity
is Michael Keaton's best work.

Those extra Keatons
only sweetens.

I got that Swimfan DVD
you sent me.

If we press play
at the same time,

we could watch it
together tonight.

WOLF: See you online at 11:00?

HONEYBEE: Okay, so in this
imaginary scenario

where we're business partners
on Shark Tank,

let's pitch our five best
business ideas

off the top of our heads.

WOLF: Oh, okay. Clock Box.

Each month we send you
six clocks,

-you pick your favorite clocks
and send the rest back.
-(Honeybee laughs)

Okay, banana-flavored saltines.

- Or Saltnanas.
- (Wolf laughs)

I love you.

(stammers) I mean, I love it.

(laughs) Dang autocorrect.

A million kiss emojis isn't
cool. You know what's cool?

A billion kisses in real life.

Do you ever think
about coming to Alaska?

♪ Here I am in the snow
with Shrek ♪

♪ Shrek, Shrek, Shrek,
Shrek, Shrek. ♪

LOUIS: Honeybee,

get off the phone,
we have customers.

I don't see you yelling
at Jerry, and he's on his phone.

Wrong. I'm just pretending
to look at my phone

because I hate it when you guys
all fight with each other,

and I don't want
to get involved.

RUTH: Look who stopped by,

in a tuxedo.

(gasps) Oh, my God.
Was he there to...

Propose? Yes.

(gasps) Dun, dun, dun!

What did you say?

Calvin, we don't like
each other like that.

No, I know.
But I thought, I don't know,

I mean, maybe we should
just spend

the rest of our lives together.

- What's the worst
that could happen?
- Thank you, Calvin.

You're very welcome. For what?

For making me realize
I have to go.

Don't be ridiculous.
This is your family's store.

I-I should go. I only rented
the tux for an hour anyway.

I mean I'm going to Alaska.

(gasps) Alaska? Louis,
what is she talking about?

She's in love
with a guy from there.

- What?!
- You pick up on a lot

when you're pretending to look
at your phone all the time.

WOLF: Thanks for doing this

- on such short notice.
- No problem.

So, did your fiancée ask you
to get her avocados?

Well, not in so many words.

I mean, not in any words,
but, wait-wait-wait, why?

Nothing. I-It's just,
remember how you spent

my entire birthday
in line at Sam Goody

waiting to buy us
Michael Bublé tickets?

Yeah, and goody thing I did.

- He's your favorite singer.
- No.

Seal is my favorite singer.

I put "Haven't Met You Yet"
on one workout mix,

and all of a sudden
you had me drowning in the Bube.

I just think sometimes
you like to do these grandiose

romantic gestures that are more
about you proving something

to yourself than what
your partner actually wants.

Oh, man, am I messing this up?

What if Honeybee keeps
dreaming about guacamole

because she hates it
and I just didn't ask

enough follow-up questions?

Do you think
I'm making a mistake?

I don't know. I'm ten.

BEEF: Son, that cake looks

just like Shrek's best friend
Captain Cow,

as you've described him to me.

-Thank you, Father.
-And I'm not saying
that we don't need

your sister in the Party Posse,

I'm just saying that the proof
is in the pudding:

Shrek's favorite,
savory Cool Ranch pudding,

- which is almost ready.
- Mmm.

It really transports me
to Shrek's cabana.

- You guys made it.
- WOLF (whispers): We've got

the Suzuki motorcycle seat.

- You got the good stuff?
- The avocados?

Yeah. Why are you whispering?

It's just a trade,
of normal stuff.

We're not... it's not a drug deal
or something bad.

I'm gonna make my fiancée some
sweet, sweet guac with these.

Oh, what the heck? Oh, no,
no, no, no, these are all bad.

Oh. Oh, well, that's all we had.

If you're upset,
we can trade back.

You, uh, you can give her
a motorcycle seat.

I'm not giving my fiancée

a detached motorcycle seat,
Uncle Mike.

She's a friggin' queen,

not some frang dang
motocross dork.

Okay, suit yourself.
Hey, maybe if you just say,

"Yum, this guac is good,"

-she won't notice.
-She'll definitely notice.
-She's gonna notice.

Great. So, I'll just barely
make it to my anniversary party

in time to disappoint
the love of my life.

Hey, when we land,

you want to get
one more ice cream sundae?

- Always cheers me up.
- Thanks, Moon,

but I don't think
I can have any more dairy.

I kind of had diarrhea
at the grocery store. (sighs)

I wish I had some Bananaltines
right now.

Or some Saltnanas.

So, just like that,

you marched out of the store,
got in your car

- and drove straight to Alaska
to meet Wolf?
- Yes.

Well, sort of.
I still had to go home,

pack up everything I owned
and load it into my car,

but then, yeah.

Jerrybee, what are you doing?

Ma, Honeybee is right. She
needs to follow her own dreams.

Also, nobody needs to take over
the store anytime soon.

You guys are in your early 50s
and in amazing shape.

of course we don't want

to stand in the way
of your dreams.

I guess we just always thought
your dreams

would be here with us.
Please be careful.

Don't worry, Mom.
I'm meeting him halfway

at the Coffee Beanery
in Vancouver

where Terry dies
in Final Destination.

And if he's not my Shrek,
I'll come home,

and I'll sell blackout curtains
to Draculas

and venetian blinds to
nosy neighbors with binoculars

- if that's what you want.
- That is what I want.

- Mom.
- Sorry.

Oh, my God. This is so romanti,

I'm going to scream. Get ready.


(clears throat)
And then what happened?

I drove for 17 hours straight,

Fresno to Vancouver.

Did I ever tell you
about the first time

I saw Honeybee? I took the bus

down to Vancouver to meet her
at the Coffee Beanery

where Terry dies
in Final Destination.

I pulled up
to the Coffee Beanery

where Terry dies
in Final Destination.

I bought a scone for confidence
and waited.

And then there she was.
Oh, it was like...

What was it like
when you finally saw him?

WOLF and HONEYBEE: Fireworks.

It was perfect.

I'm crying. I'm shaking.
This story is alive,

and it is alive inside of me
right now through journalism.

(knock on door)

Ugh! Who is it?

We're doing journalism in here.

Can I speak with Honeybee
for a moment? In private?

Here. No one will bother us
in the panic room.

- This is a panic room?
- Yeah, it's a work in progress.

So, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

(chuckles): For what, baby?

I wanted to prove to you
how much

- I love...
- Hey. What's up, gang?

Just need some Sterno canisters.

Let me get through there.
Thank you.

- You guys going to the party?
- Uh, yes, Ham.

We will see you
at our anniversary party.

Cool, cool. Yeah,
I think you're gonna lo...

Uh, okay, yeah.
See you down there.

Uh, we really need to get a lock
for the panic room door. Look,

you've been dreaming
about guacamole so much,

I wanted to make you some.
So I spent

all day
on this crazy barter chain

to Anchorage and back
to get you these avocados

for our anniversary,
and they suck.

And you didn't even ask
for them.

My ex-girlfriend
Lara Silverblatt was right.

I'm always doing
these grand romantic gestures

- that no one wants.
- Wolf, babe, you need to chill.

Well, it's very hard to chill
in the panic room.

- I-It's right there in the name.
- I love you.

You're not gonna drive me away
with a box of mushy avocados.

Things didn't work out with Lara

because she wasn't your Fiona.
I am.

I love grand romantic gestures.

The grander and romantic-er
the better.

I can't believe you went
to so much trouble for my gift.

Some gift. All I got you
was a box of rotten garbage.

No. Inside these avocados
are avocado pits.

And do you know what happens
to avocado pits

- when you plant them?
- They explode?

They grow into avocado trees,

which means avocados
all the time.

-You know,
Lara didn't even recognize

any famous quotes
from There Will Be Blood.

BOTH: "I drink your milkshake.

I drink it up."

Welcome to Shrek's Miami.

(both giggle)

Good God.

We decorated it just like
Shrek's beachside bungalow.

And I'm Shrek's nemesis,
the Babadook.

(laughs, clears throat)
It's beautiful.

I would like to propose a toast.

Webster's dictionary defines
"wolf" as a carnivorous...

You put the lotion
in my heart basket.

"That'll do, pig. That'll do."

♪ Billy lost his head,
Terry got hit by a bus ♪

♪ But our final destination
turned out to be us ♪

♪ I wasn't crushed
by landing gear ♪

♪ But I'll always crush on you,
my dear ♪

♪ Dance as we fall
through ceilings ♪

♪ A flagpole
through your heart ♪

♪ Those unlucky teens all died,
but we will never part ♪

♪ Dying in a NASCAR smash
would sure be such a bummer ♪

♪ But when I'm with you,
my dear ♪

♪ I know what we did
last summer ♪

- ♪ Wrong movie, babe ♪
- ♪ Whoops ♪

♪ My organs weren't sucked out
by a pool ♪

♪ But I'll always be your fool ♪

♪ 'Cause I am your Terry,
and I am your bus ♪

♪ And our final destination
was us. ♪