The Great North (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - My Fart Will Go On Adventure - full transcript

‐ ‐♪ What do you see?

‐ ‐♪ And a tree

Alanis, it's official.

In t‐minus three days,

I'm catching the bouquet. For fun.

It's a wait and see on
marriage right now.

Oh, that's right, the big wedding.

The biggest wedding.

Wolf and Honeybee? Everyone's excited.

Dad even invited Dell as
a "platonic friend‐date"

and I saw him a‐with ChapStick.



Isn't it "platonic"? Get it?
'Cause it won't be.

Oh, yeah. It seems like he
might be thinking about

doing a close‐proximity smile or some‐‐

mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah‐‐ smooching.

You know, my big romance
with you know who‐lier

started with a close‐proximity smile.

I was eating tiny meatballs
at craft services on set

when this weirdo tapped
me on the shoulder

with a Woodchuck puppet.

Alanis, I would love to
talk about him again,

but I'm kind of needed at
the boat for wedding prep.

So, let's, uh, let's put a pin in it.

I used to put a pin in
his Full House doll,

and then he crashed his car.



Okay, final checklist
list‐check for Honeybee Shaw's

Titanic ‐themed wedding,
setting sail this Saturday.

I love Titanic because it features

the sexiest actress alive: Kathy Bates.

Ooh, her performance in Misery?

She hobbled her way
right into my heart.

Okay. Ready to check, Beef?

Aye, aye, Captain Bee. Moon?

Is the Brain Billy
Zane axe booth ready?

Does that answer your question?

Check, but don't use
up all of our Zanes.

Ham, how's the cake‐planning coming?

Well, it's getting deliciously
dangerous over here.

There's three layers but only
one fondant rescue boat.

Hope nothing goes horribly wrong.

Cake, check. Judy‐bee?
What's your status?

May I present the largest and
most elegant chip and dip

in the world,

James Cameron's Snack‐tanic.

Meant to hold ten varieties
of salty savories,

with four different hummuses
in her smoke stacks.

Loose lips sink chips.

Ah! I can't wait for my family

to see all of this when they get here.

Just asking again,
everybody's sure about

having a wedding themed
around a major disaster?

We could base it on a
more cheerful boat movie

like Captain Ron, or Hope Floats?

I'm not worried at all.

This isn't a transatlantic
voyage, it's a wedding.

And it's gonna be perfect.

Oh, excuse me a moment.
Yes, this is Ms. Shaw.

So you're saying James Cameron
politely declines my invitation?

Oh, not politely? Understandable.

I'm just trying to find
someone from the movie

to show up as a surprise for my fiancé.

Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's
cell by cha‐‐ Oh, she's gone.

Psst. Judy.

Oh, hey. It's W...

...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah.

Uh, I have to leave now because
I have those woman issues

that I was just talking
about and, frankly,

it's totally natural
and I love it, so...

I love when Judy gets real with us.

- Did they suspect anything?
- Nope.

I exited very smoothly with a
perfect lie about my vagina.

Smart. I do the same thing,
only lying about my butt.

It's why everyone thinks
I have chronic diarrhea.

Joke's on them. I only
have frequent diarrhea.

Good to know. Now what's going on?

This is what's going on.

Oh, a late RSVP to the
wedding and it's a maybe.

So someone isn't sure if they're
coming to the wedding‐‐

no big deal‐‐ and it's
from Kathleen Tobin?

Oh, my God! Mom? What?

- What?!
- "What" is right.

A‐And also, no frickin' way.

- A‐And what?
- Oh, and she checked

that she wants the steak,
fish and vegan entrees?

Is that even allowed?

No, it is very much not allowed.

Oh, I mean, I guess in a
weird way, in my mind,

I've always pictured Mom at
my wedding, but in reality,

- I think it would be very, very bad.
- Ugh, it is.

Mom's a wrecking ball.
Especially at big events.

She can't stand it if
it's not about her.

Remember at my ice‐skating competition

when Mom farted into the microphone

because they wouldn't
give her a trophy?

Oh, this is all my fault.

I must've accidentally
included her address

on the invite spreadsheet.

I thought I was amazing
at mail merge macros,

but it turns out, I am not
amazing at mail merge macros.

I'm headed to the supermarket.
You cuties need anything?

Not now, Londra!

- Okay.
- This is not your fault, Wolf.

You're right. It's
Mom's fault for being

the frong‐dong frog dong's worst.

Just when things were
getting back to normal

and we're about to add a
beautiful cup of honey

to our Tobin tea, Mom has to come back

and fart up the room again?

Frickin' nards. Nards so hard.

And Honeybee's family is coming.

They're probably perfect like her.

- What are we gonna do?
- Honeybee can't find out.

Uh, the last thing I want
is her worrying about this

on our wedding day. We can't tell Dad.

He's come so far since Mom left.

Also, Ham and Moon might
not be able to take

the emotional turmoil of
seeing our crap‐tastic mom

after all this time.

It's official: we cannot tell anyone

Mom is maybe coming to the wedding!

- What?
- Mom's coming to the wedding?

One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest.

We are so bad at secrets.

Okay, gang,

thanks for meeting me in the panic room

so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy?

Okay, we need to figure out
if Mom's actually coming

because all of our careful
wedding planning is at risk.

All right, pull up Mom's blog.

That's a picture of
Mom's wedding dress.

- Why does it say "MBA" on it?
- "Male Body Admirer."

It's in pretty good shape
considering it's edible.

Oh, man. And she laid it out on a bed.

That's what women in
movies do with outfits

they're gonna wear for big events.

Oh, look, a "contact us" number.

And it's disconnected.

Okay, so she must have
a new burner phone.

Oh, my God, and there's no
way to get ahold of her.

Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Oh,
she's gonna ruin my wedding.

I'm not gonna get married.

Wolf, this doesn't mean
she'll show up, okay?

You know what she's like.
She's a flake.

She would've missed my birth
if it was medically possible.

Let's just sign your phone
up to get blog updates

so we can track her movements, eh?

You're right, yeah, you're right.

The next blog update will
probably be her at Hersheypark

pretending to take a dump
in the chocolate fountain.

Uh‐huh. And in the meantime,

let me just add, we do
not talk about this.

Because if Dad finds out,

he'll explode and melt
down at the same time.

And it's gonna be like...

And his eye will start doing
that tight twitchy thing.

‐ ‐Hey!

Oh, there you kids are.

Hey, uh, Dad. Uh, y‐yeah.

We were just, uh, reading
the whole Internet

in the panic room as a family,
but, uh, we're all finished.

Wow, that is impressive.

It seems like every day
there's a new AltaVista page.

Anyways, I'm working
on my wedding outfit.

I sewed a collar onto this
novelty tuxedo T‐shirt.

Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo?

I can't. Oh, if I wasn't already
marrying Honeybee, I'd propose.

Okay, so your name is Victor Garber,

but you are not the actor Victor Garber

from the movie Titanic.

Oh, you're in second grade? Okay.

No, I agree, math is hard.

Yeah, I like trains. Okay,
I'm gonna go now, Victor.

Mm‐hmm, I love you, too.

You know, Billy Zane

gave me mouth‐to‐mouth once

when I choked on a dried
apricot at a jazz festival.

- Uh... - Judy, that story

at least deserved a "Wow."

What's bugging you?

I think my mom is coming to town,

which is terrible, for so many reasons.

Most especially that she'll
ruin Wolf's wedding.

What I really wish is
that there was a way

we could just move the whole town.

But it's like, I don't
know, do you think

people would be up for that?

Or you could just have
a shadow wedding.

Is that where two shadows get married?

I love it, it's gorgeous.

Ugh, and then I'm thinking about it,

I'm just not sure how it would help.

Oh, Judy. So much to learn from me.

A shadow wedding, or
really any shadow event,

takes place at the same
time as the actual event,

but, key difference,
it's for all the people

you don't want at the actual event.

Hmm. Go on.

I will. I myself have been shadowed

on multiple occasions,
and it's very effective.

I honestly don't know if I've
ever met the real version

of my ten‐year‐old nephew Jandon.

Well, if it would
protect Wolf's wedding,

it's definitely worth considering.

Oh, Judy, everything's
worth considering.

Even that grown man
with bare feet riding

the children's carousel.

He's a pass for me right now,
but who knows about the future?

And that's a shadow wedding.
Any questions?

Sounds insane. I'm in.

Hey, we're gonna have to
work overtime to protect Dad

and my queen‐bee‐to‐be from Mom.

Luckily, Honeybee's been so
busy with wedding stuff,

she hasn't suspected
anything weird yet.

And that's how we'll keep it.
But under no circumstances

can Dad find out that Mom
is probably on her way here

to ruin the wedding and
stomp all over his heart.

- What?
- Not again.

- Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds.
- Kathleen.

It's the silence between the
moans that's most distressing.

Hello, children.

I was just taking a
nap, but I am fine now.

I've pushed all the other
naps I want to take deep down

so they won't ruin
Wolf's upcoming wedding.

Great, because the wedding
train is leaving in 48 hours,

and I need my dad on my caboose.

Choo choo, son.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Oh, no. What?

There's a new post to Mom's blog.

Oh, God. Mom's on a flight.

And she's already three
plane‐aritas deep.

Do you feel that, children?

The way the wind has
stilled in the pines,

and the caribou no longer
utters its lonely howl?

She is set upon us.

Okay. I was wondering what was up

with the wind stilling in the pines.

I was looking for the
actress Kathy Bates.

But you're a drag queen insult
comic named Kathy Berates?

Hmm. I mean, it's not a no.

Hold on, I got to take this.

Hello? Oh, my gosh.

You sound exactly how you
sounded in the movie.

And you can actually come?

Oh, I feel so powerful.

This must be how the iceberg felt.

Okay, shadow wedding.

We need three things: location,
actors and decorations.

And guess what? I know
where we can go for each.

Dad, your involvement is
not to be involved at all.

The last thing we need
is you seeing Mom

at the shadow wedding and
falling under her spell.

But there is a task that's
perfect for you to take on.

You can give Honeybee's family a
tour of Lone Moose's hot spots

and keep them distracted
while we do this.

Be our man on the outside.

Honeybee is picking them up
at the airport as we speak.

I'm on it. I could take
them to the bowling alley

and show them your
great‐grandmother's trophies.

Then I could take them to our backyard,

and show them her grave.

And we could stop for a
nice lunch in between.

Okay, hands in the middle, everyone.

On three, everyone say,

"Do a shadow wedding, trick Mom,

"save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage,

and everyone lives happily ever after."

- One, two, three.
- Do a shadow wedding.

- Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and
Wolf's marriage. Kathleen.

- And everyone lives
happily ever after.

- ...happily ever after.
- Perfect.

Tobins, this is the Shaws.

- A hug for you.
- Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go spend some me time

finishing up the wedding prep.

- Have fun, guys.
- Enjoy your she time.

And the four of us have to
go do something very normal

and nobody should be
concerned about it.

Why would they? That's boring.

Okay, bye‐bye.

Welp, that just leaves us, then.

Today I'm gonna take
you on a guided tour

of Lone Moose's finest attractions.

The van is all warmed
up and I made you each

a personal thermos of hot chocolate.

- Thank you, Keith.
- Uh, it's, uh, Beef.

No, that's not a name.

You know, Beef, as owners of
a curtain shop ourselves,

I'd love to see an Alaskan
window covering store.

- If you have one. - Oh, sure, we

could stop by Count Drape‐ula.

Now everyone buckle up.

I always drive safely, but
if I see any gorgeous

natural scenery, I may
gently tap the brakes

so that we can partake.

Welp, the Shaws were
riveted by the tour.

And I learned that the
inventor of the curtain rod

was coincidentally named Rod.

- He was also a murderer.
- Aw, what fun.

Now let's go over the shadow
wedding plan one last time.

We'll park the Mighty Kathleen

and the newly decorated shadow
wedding boat on opposite ends

of the dock, where they
aren't visible to each other.

- When Mom arrives...
- My true love

and the most handsome teen
in Lone Moose, Crispin‐‐

love you, Big C‐‐ will
be there to head her off

with three complimentary
glasses of champagne.

Which will instantly

send her to the "party zone,"

where she is, you know, less
apt to question anything.

Crispin will then golf‐cart her
to the shadow wedding boat.

Where we'll be waiting along
with the shadow guests

and wedding party played
by Judy's improv troupe.

I'll escort Mom to her seat

in the front row and await my bride,

who is being played by Zoya.

Hello. We make wedding now?

From there, the wedding begins.

And it goes perfectly.

Then we all make our exit to head

to the real wedding as the
boat sets sail with Mom,

Zoya and all the shadow guests aboard

for the quote, unquote "reception."

Bon voyage, B words!

And once the shadow wedding
boat is on the water,

if Mom asks anyone
where her family went,

they know to say, "They went‐a
thatta way," while gesturing

- with their thumbs like in the Three
Stoog‐ies. At the end of the night,

when we've pulled it all off,
we'll have a happy Honeybee,

a bamboozled Mom and
two perfect weddings.

Any questions? No? Okay, great.

I grabbed this wedding dress
from the drama wardrobe closet

at school from when we did M.
Butterfly. Wolf?

Could you snow‐machine
this over to Zoya's house?

Oh, man.

What are we doing?

Looking at this perfect
costume wedding dress

that isn't for my actual bride

makes me realize that even though

Mom's not here, she's still
got us running around

like a bunch of chickens
with our butts cut off.

I don't want to start my marriage off

with a bunch of bing‐bong
lies to my wife.

I need to tell her that Mom said yes

and we're doing the shadow wedding.

We got to come clean to
the Shaws that I'm going

to be marrying two women in one day

because we're basically a
band of no‐good grifters

with a terrible family secret!

- What?!
- Oh, no.

- Oh, boy.
- Keith!

Oh, good, now they already know.

And then Mom pantsed the
sheriff when she couldn't

calm down at my science fair.

And then she took his gun.

I had to give my ribbon back.

Oh, no! Not your ribbon!

God herself couldn't take my ribbon.

So, in summation, Mom's
the frickin' worst

and will ruin our wedding if she shows

and, so, yeah, that's why we planned

this whole shadow wedding thing.

Okay, I agree‐‐ your mom is bad.

But, Wolf, honey, you
can't throw a big,

elaborate shadow wedding

- just because she might show up.
- It's just that,

I'm not saying we were a
disaster before you showed up,

but we kind of had, I don't know,

low family self‐esteem.

So you coming into our lives,
you make everything great,

and I guess we all just got
a little scared of, well,

losing you. I just wanted‐‐

I mean, we all just wanted to make sure

it was the perfect night for
you and your perfect family.

You think we're a perfect family?

Of course. I mean, look at you guys.

Look at your slacks‐‐ you
all have nice slacks.

Oh, we are far from perfect.
Isn't that right?

Louis, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I farted on the couch one
time about 17 years ago.

And these two never let me forget it.

We had eaten some egg salad.

I called the fire department.

I thought there was an
electrical fire in the walls.

We tried to reupholster the couch,

but it had gotten into the bones.

Oh, Wolf, just because we
own an amazing business

and dress well, we're
still not perfect.

No one is. We've got
some truly unique people

in our family, too.

My cousin Brenda, for instance.

She swears wholeheartedly
that she's the Zodiac Killer.

The timeline doesn't
work, but she insists.

And sometimes I'll use a breath
mint instead of deodorant.

I just suck on it for a second,
then stick it to my pit.

- Jerry!
- I know!

- Jerry.
- I know.

See, babe, no one's
judging you but you.

Actually, now that I think about it,

this thing with your mom is great.

I mean, we're havinga
Titanic ‐themed wedding,

and your mom is our iceberg.
And if she tries to ruin

our wedding and we get married
and we stay married anyway,

then we're the Unsinkable Molly Brown.

It's proof that we can
survive anything together.

We'll be even stronger
than Jack and Rose,

because Jack voluntarily
drowned near a door.

All right, I'll tell everyone
that the shadow wedding's off.

Let the storm come.

Blow, winds, blow!

Crack your cheeks.

Sorry, I just played
King Lear recently,

and the character hasn't left me.

Huh, kind of thought Mom
would be here by now.

I'm sure she's just waiting
in her car so she can

make a late entrance and
draw attention to herself.

She's no doubt tucking her
own skirt into her underwear

for a classic Kathleen cheek peek.

Okay, welp, let's go
get our Wolf married.

Frickin' beautiful Honeybee!

Frickin' beautiful door!

Friends and family, we
are gathered here today

in the year 1912 on this,

the unsinkable ship,
to celebrate the love

of Wolf "King of the World" Tobin

and Honeybee "Spit Like a Man" Shaw.

Just like the constrictor
knot, which can be impossible

to untie once it is
tightened, and only grows

tighter when pulled, so shall
your love grow tighter.

Oh. Now that man can tie a knot.

Ay, chihuahua.

And that is exactly why

blind brackets come in packs of two,

to support each other, because
it takes two to make it work.

Just like in marriage.

If I would've known she was
gonna talk about brackets,

I would've brought extra tissues.

True love straight ahead!

And now Wolf and Honeybee
will exchange their vows...

in the form of some of their
favorite movie quotes.

Honeybee, commenting in that
online famous movie quotes

message board was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Because it brought me to
you, and now we both found

something we love more than
quotes from movies‐‐ each other.

We're gonna need a bigger boat...
for our love

and someday our kids.

Because life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and get
married once in a while,

you might miss the love of your life.

And I will always show you the money!

And by "money," I mean "understanding."

Standing in front of a Bee,
asking her to love him.

That's not a ring.

This is a ring.

Tacky.

At this time,

we ask that anyone that
should object to this union

speak now or forever hold your...

Ah, dang, am I late?

Did I miss the cocktail hour?

- Here we go.
- Dear God. Kathleen ahoy.

Oh, that's not Kathleen.

Who the hell is that?

Maybe this'll ring a bell.

Oh. My. God.

- Honeybee, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.

I'd know that cry anywhere!

It's the actress who played the baby

Billy Zane grabbed to try to get
on the rescue boats in Titanic!

Oh, remember he ran all
over the deck saying,

"I have a child. I have a child."

Oh, man, you're my second favorite

background character after Irish Mommy.

Okay, would you like a plaintive
wail or some quiet sobbing?

Oh, quiet sobbing, please.

Wow!

Houston, we have a marriage.

You may now kiss each other.

Luke...

I am your husband.

Luke...

I am your wife.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my great honor

to present to you for
the very first time,

Mr. and Mrs. Wolf and
Honeybee Shaw‐Tobin!

Come on, you two, the window's
not gonna fog itself up.

Don't make me come in there.

Okay, I'm coming in.

I for one am glad Mom didn't bother

to show up for my
once‐in‐a‐lifetime wedding.

It's, you know, it's good.

Definitely, uh... for‐for the best.

Is it weird that maybe
I feel kind of sad?

Oh, I'm not sad.

I just have this hollow, lonely feeling

in the pit of my stomach.

Luckily, I was so young

when Mom left that I don't feel‐‐

Yeah, I'm bummed.

Yeah, me, too. Why do
we feel like this?

Because, sure, she's messed up,

but she's still your mom.

Being filled with dread
that Kathleen will appear

and then disappointment
when she doesn't is normal.

And terrible. And normal.

I know what you're going
through, but look around.

Everyone that's supposed to be here is.

This is a good day.

It is Kathleen who is missing out.

You know, Dad, you're right.

It's better that Mom didn't show up.

She would have definitely ruined today.

She probably would have.

But your mother wasn't all bad.

She did give me the four things
I love most in this world.

Oh, do you mean our set
of limited edition

Betty Boop ceramic plates?

- Nah, she took those with her.
- Damn it.

I mean the four of you kids.

Do you trust me, Honeybee?

I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Wolf?
- I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Ham?
- I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Dad?
- I trust you.

Do you trust us, Shaws?

We trust you!

Okay, I'm following the rule of thirds.

Didn't forget to capture the depth.

And I've got everyone's good sides.

Okay, this is looking good. And
timer's set! Everyone hold!

Huh, would you look at that.

Mom's blog just updated.

She's drinking at a
Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa.

Bad news for Tulsa.

Move your booty, here comes Judy.

Okay. On three, everyone say,

"Today turned out perfectly,
and we didn't even have to

"do the shadow wedding, which
was a good move because

Mom didn't even end
up showing up and..."

‐ ‐

Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson.
This song is for you.

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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